Girlfriend told me I'm not the best sex she's had
March 4, 2017 3:16 AM   Subscribe

My girlfriend has said that, although she really enjoys sex with me and doesn't want me to change anything, the best sex she has ever had was with a few men (separately) of one nationality. She's basically told me that I have to live with the fact that I won't ever be the best sex she's ever had. Am I right to be annoyed at this even 5 months after she told me? Does anyone have advice on how to get over this? Thanks.

I've been with my current girlfriend for 8 months. Things in general have been going well, but there are a couple of things I can't seem to get past.

When we had been dating for about 3 months, we were talking about some of our past relationships/sexual experiences. This wasn't a big conversation, just a light hearted chat that wasn't planned. She mentioned that she had been with a few guys of a certain nationality, and that they were all the best sex she had ever had.

Now, I'm not arrogant enough to believe I'm the best anyone could ever have, but for my girlfriend to outright tell me that I'm not the best she's ever had has bothered me off and on since then. We have talked about it a couple of times and she says she really regrets saying it, and has asked herself why she said it, but the bottomline is she did say it.

She has made it clear to me that there's no one she'd rather have sex with than me and there's nothing she wants me to do differently in the bedroom. Basically, there's nothing I can do to be as good as those guys, so I just have to live with it.

This has really bothered me a few times since she told me. I was hoping that as time went on it wouldn't bother me much, but it's about 5 months since she said it, and I feel no better about it.

In addition to this she has told me that (before we met)she slept with a married man because he "kept asking", that she has slept with people she wasn't physically or emotionally attracted to because "why not?", and that, because she finds my eyes attractive and my brother has similar eyes, she "obviously finds him attractive too".

Why does she say these things!?!? What I don't know won't hurt me!!!

So, am I just being too sensitive, or would most people agree that I ought to be feeling pretty bad about this stuff? If anyone has any advice for how to get over it it would be much appreciated as I really do love this girl and I love being with her.

Thanks for reading!
posted by Coolcatjc to Human Relations (37 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
If the person you're dating makes you feel bad, you should stop dating them. Full stop. That's something to consider.

If your girlfriend is an open and low-filter person who just says things like this, which it appears she is, you have to accept that she will never change. She will never stop saying things that make you feel bad. That's something else to consider.

Your girlfriend deserves, just as much as you do, to be in a relationship where she's loved and respected. Judging her for her history of casual sex isn't very nice. She's being honest with you (though maybe she could be more tactful about it , sure), and you seem to have some value judgements about that. Loving your girlfriend means accepting all that, too. Yet another thing to consider.

There's no advice to get over it, and there's no standard in terms of what's normal to feel bad about. This level of candor from a dude I was dating wouldn't make me feel bad (my self esteem is independent of other people's opinions) but I probably wouldn't take him very seriously and I'd keep things pretty casual. But that's me. You need to decide what's right for you.

In summary: the only thing you can control in this situation is your own reaction. People rarely change--assume your girlfriend will never stop saying things like this. If you will always be hurt by those words, she will never stop hurting you. If you want to stay in the relationship, you need to figure out a way to work on your own self esteem so these things don't bother you, and you need to accept your girlfriend and love her for all that she is.

You should continue to talk to her about this, by the way. Honesty and communication is important, and if you're going to stay in this relationship, you both need to be open with each other about how her words make you feel so you both stand a chance of growing.
posted by phunniemee at 3:37 AM on March 4, 2017 [36 favorites]


Ouch. Not cool, girlfriend. That sort of statement is super-high up on the list of "things you might think, but never say out loud." Once that's been said, it can never be unsaid or unheard. There's no "No, you must have heard me wrong, what I meant was..." that could fix this, IMO.

If I had been the recipient of any such comment, about sex, or cooking, or basketweaving, or anything... it would overshadow the relationship for the duration, unless some pretty damn serious repair work was done. I know some people let fly with such things, and they simply don't realize their impact. They're "keeoing it real" or whatever. Personally, I cannot fathom, in any universe, how someone could be that insensitive. That alone would sour me toward that person. What future bombs may drop? Insensitivity like this would be a dealbreaker for me. That, more than the words themselves, are the marker for NOPE that would be my cue to exit.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 4:14 AM on March 4, 2017 [20 favorites]


The issue here isn't that you haven't provided the best sex she has ever had, or that she thinks your brother is fit, it's the fact that she keeps coming out with these statements without any provocation, and I can't help wonder if it is a sneaky way to make you feel insecure. Either that or she has absolutely no sense of where being honest and open ends and spilling unwanted information starts. Either way this would drive me nuts! If you want to stay with her I would have a chat with her about how perhaps from now on some thoughts could just stay in her head and not leave her mouth!
posted by intensitymultiply at 4:14 AM on March 4, 2017 [12 favorites]


I think you should consider very briefly whether there's some pattern of her saying things that make you feel a little less special, e.g. to raise her own self-esteem, but otherwise recognize that a lot of things people say about themselves are dependent on momentary circumstances and on how they remember thinking about themselves in the past. It's very easy for me to imagine that she'd had conversations before she met you about how guys from whatever country had been great--a thought that may have been heavily colored even then by rosy retrospection and self-perception effects--and in the moment she conveyed that to you she was mostly recounting that earlier thought, not establishing an objective truth for all time. I mean, imagine walking out of a movie theater having just seen a fantastic movie--if you said it was the best ever, I'd doubt that as hyperbole or as a recency effect, and if you said it wasn't as great as your favorite film, I'd doubt that too, because our "favorites" are covered in nostalgia and personal symbolism. What matters more is what people say consistently over time and incorporate into who they are.
posted by Wobbuffet at 4:16 AM on March 4, 2017 [5 favorites]


We don't know why she's saying these things and I think we could all analyze the heck out of why she's doing this, but the truth is that really doesn't matter.*

What matters is you're with someone who makes comments that upset you. You should most definitely own this feeling and ALL your feelings. As soon as you start second guessing -- is what she's saying okay? Am I being too sensitive, etc., then you're discounting your own truth. Don't do that. You are allowed to feel the way you feel.

So, use your words and tell her that when she makes these types of comments to indicate she finds others attractive or in some way indicates she's had better (fill in the blank) experiences with others, it really hurts your feelings and you'd like her to stop saying things like that.

If she continues to do this random spouting of hurtful, filterless truths, then you have an answer.

*But jeez, she's saying some damned hurtful stuff. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, FWIW.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:35 AM on March 4, 2017 [10 favorites]


No, I don't think you are too sensitive for being hurt by this. It would hurt me a lot if someone I loved said this to me. Also, someone said up above that you are judging her for casual sex, but I didn't get that sense from you. I do think you may have different values around sex, but I don't think that makes you incompatible. I have been with people before who have told me about sexual encounters that made me uncomfortable; I wasn't judging them, but I did wish they had exercised a little more discretion.

As far as getting over it, if you decide you want to do that, I do think you should take into account what she said to you--that there's no one she'd rather have sex with, etc. and believe her. I, too, would rather have sex with someone I love than the best sex ever with someone I didn't. She's with you because she wants to be with you.

However, she does really need to stop blurting out things like this to you because it's hurtful. She shouldn't need a better reason than that.

Five months is not a very long time. I do think that if you stay together, as you build up a shared history, this will eventually recede in importance to you if that's any consolation.
posted by tiger tiger at 4:51 AM on March 4, 2017 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thanks for the comments eveyone, I'm glad the majority of people seem to think similarly. I should make it clear that she doesn't just come out with these comments out of the blue, we'll be talking and the conversation somehow leads to her saying these things. She tends to regret telling me (although doesn't see a problem with what she said about my brother), but it's true, these things can't be unsaid.

I'm really sad about this as I really do love her and hate the idea of not being with her, but I also don't like the idea of these things (and potentially more things like it) bringing me down for the rest of my life.
posted by Coolcatjc at 5:15 AM on March 4, 2017 [3 favorites]


It's important to me to be 100% open with my serious partners. So if these things came up in conversation, yeah, I'd say them, because they're part of who I am, and I want to share everything about myself with my partners. (And I'd want them to do the same for me... if they withheld things because they thought they would hurt me, that would make me 100 times more anxious than if they shared them with me.)

So you and I would not be compatible.

That doesn't necessarily mean that you and your girlfriend are not. For me, sharing is fundamentally important; for her it may not be. Or you might be able to reframe how you experience it.

If you're interested in reframing your experience, be aware that a lot of what makes amazing sex amazing can be random things involving chemistry and context. I would never be in relationships with the people I happened to have the best sex with; they were pretty terrible people, but something about our pheromones, our youth, the thunderstorm outside, their novelty, being in a free liminal stage between college and job, whatever, made it amazing. The same way someone may feel that the best croissant they ever had was in Paris, even if it may not have won in a side-by-side taste test. They were excited about being in a cafe in Paris, and they were super hungry! There's no way to compete with that, no matter how many croissants you bake.
posted by metasarah at 5:56 AM on March 4, 2017 [11 favorites]


FWIW, my husband has a pretty thin filter and has made statement that I find pretty insensitive. Especially along the lines of sexual preference and body type. I've had varying degrees of negative response to his off-hand comments and he has generally immediately apologized but also insisted that I am taking the comment the wrong way. I had a choice to make, to leave or to expect to hear this stuff in the future. I chose the latter and here is why: his good qualities far outweigh his random insensitive comments. He is an extraordinarily kind person, loving, willing to learn (mostly), and very willing to improve himself and eventually take advice. I also know that how he views me is generally very positive and supportive. I have faults too and our faults together are of a similar consequence--one of us isn't horrible, we are both pretty equally fucked up but willing to grow. We have both changed a lot over the years. Your gf sounds like she wants to be honest but if you get the feeling she isn't willing to listen to your concern and painful response to her comments, she may not be a good fit. It may feel confusing, or it may feel too stressful to continue, I think the decision will be more apparent in a short time.
posted by waving at 5:59 AM on March 4, 2017 [8 favorites]


This person sounds like someone who really isn't a very nice person. After 8 months, I wouldn't invest any more time in someone whose verbal diarrhea consists of hurtful comparative statements about your sexual performance or looks. If they're already doing this at the honeymoon stage, where people are allegedly showing the best aspect of themselves, then what happens after another year or two, when you've actually got real shit on the table? Do they start using those things as emotional bullets too, and keep claiming that the gun just went off by itself?

I also think that someone who doesn't exactly have a strong stance on maintaining ethical boundaries (sleeping with a married man because "he asked"...really?)...All of this points to behavior where this person does what she feels like and if others are hurt, oh well. Yeah....no. I would not stay with someone who showed that little regard for others and others' relationships.
posted by Autumnheart at 5:59 AM on March 4, 2017 [9 favorites]


On a related note, I'd also recommend trying to let go of the idea that you need to be "the best sex they've ever had". It's a pointless measurement, it's completely subjective, and has no bearing on anyone's worth as a person. I can think of the best sex I've ever had, and I wouldn't go back to that partner for a million dollars. I can think of the best meal I've ever had, but my homemade spaghetti didn't stop being delicious just because I ate an amazing gourmet meal. Know what I mean?

And if someone is crass enough to complain that one is *not* the best sex they've ever had, as if one is failing as a partner based on that metric, then one should definitely consign that relationship to the garbage.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:09 AM on March 4, 2017 [18 favorites]


Keep a really close eye in the future on how these kinds of topics "somehow" come about. Do they come up because you end up fishing for or asking for comparisons or details about her sexual past, or does she just bring them up herself? If it turns out you're prompting it, you might need to focus on stopping that. We all have things that might make our partners feel insecure if they're pried out of us.
But on the other hand, if your girlfriend is coming up with these statements and blurting them out unprompted, you might need to both agree to not bring up certain topics at the very least (talk of past sexual partners, current feelings of attraction to other people). If the problem continues even when you're expressing that these statements hurt you, that'd be be time to seriously reconsider the relationship.
posted by sacchan at 6:09 AM on March 4, 2017 [10 favorites]


This sounds like, at best, someone without much filter or well-developed empathy. She could still be an awesome person, and then you have to take responsibility for not opening up topics that will result in pain for you.

It's possible she's mean and she's negging you.

It's also possible you're playing a bigger role in the dynamic than you realize. Maybe she's being 'accidentally-on-purpose' hurtful because she feels like you don't make her feel like the sexiest, most appealing, best sex you've ever had, and she wants to goad you or give you a taste of your own medicine. Honestly, even if that's the case, I still think it's a big sign of incompatibility (you don't really think each other is the bee's knees) or immaturity (a mature way to handle this would be to discuss it with you and/or leave the relationship, not get into a mean game), or both.

I guess that you should do some soul-searching about your feelings and perceptions of her, and in the relationship, and proceed from there.

(I think this is delicate territory that most mature adults with a decent 'EQ' who really care about their partner's feelings would tread more carefully around than your girlfriend is doing).
posted by Salamandrous at 6:18 AM on March 4, 2017 [2 favorites]


I'm with sacchan. I think you two need a six month moratorium on talking about sex, attractiveness, and whatever other topics lead to these kinds of statements.
Then see how you feel.
posted by SyraCarol at 6:54 AM on March 4, 2017 [3 favorites]


I really do love her and hate the idea of not being with her, but I also don't like the idea of these things (and potentially more things like it) bringing me down for the rest of my life.

You already got yourself to a place where her facial hair didn't cause you grief. Use the same techniques to get to a place where hearing honest reportage instead of ego-boosting reassurance doesn't cause you grief. Want your ego boosted? Make that your own job. Not by telling yourself how wonderful you are; do it by teaching yourself to think and behave in ways you can be genuinely proud of.

So, you can't provide the best sex she's ever had. So what? I bet you also can't play the best music she's ever heard, or write the best novel she's ever read, or cook the most delicious meal she's ever eaten. That doesn't change the fact that your package deal is her favorite package deal and she doesn't need or want the sex aspect of you "fixed".

Want to be the best lover she's ever had? Spend the next seventy years on practise.

She has made it clear to me that there's no one she'd rather have sex with than me and there's nothing she wants me to do differently in the bedroom.

Eighty percent of success is just showing up.

Keep showing up.
posted by flabdablet at 7:43 AM on March 4, 2017 [8 favorites]


Wow, it really sounds like this person has some growing up to do,and needs to learn that not every thought that pops into her head needs to come out her mouth. Is she like this on other topics,with other people? If so, that probably makes it less likely that she's trying to manipulate by covertly putting you down. On the other hand, it makes it more likely that any life you build with this person is going to be characterized by hurt and drama caused by her lack of empathy and poor judgement.

Either way, unless the positives outweigh the negatives by a huge order of magnitude, I'd suggest asking yourself why you're putting up with this. De-sensitizing yourself to poor treatment in a relationship is never a good thing, and can have all kinds of knock-on effects for your psyche and your life. You deserve to feel good about your relationship.
posted by rpfields at 8:11 AM on March 4, 2017 [2 favorites]


Just as an additional data point: I said up above that this would bother me, and I'm someone who not just has no problem with but enjoys conversations about previous sexual partners. I also enjoy talking with my partner about people he might find attractive, but it would weird me out if it were a family member. In the "best sex," it's the comparative nature of it that would hurt my feelings. It's just tactful to not quantify people in that way. Some thoughts looms disproportionately when voiced to other people, and these are those types of thoughts.
posted by tiger tiger at 8:28 AM on March 4, 2017 [1 favorite]


Wow, how awful for you. I would definitely end the relationship and find someone who conducts herself better. The nationality thing is especially creepy sounding. Also the parts about random encounters sound worrying, I would get yourself tested.
posted by long haired child at 8:30 AM on March 4, 2017 [6 favorites]


If this were a man, I think most people would much more easily see how awful and creepy this behavior sounds.
posted by long haired child at 8:32 AM on March 4, 2017 [22 favorites]


Partly it may be incompatibility. I'm guilty of being super direct, too. I often will say things I think without thinking about the impact. I also don't have qualms talking about the past with my fiance. But I think there's a big difference between 'My ex was a good lover,' or, 'x time was the best sex I ever had,' --- and 'x nationality are the best lovers, and it was the best sex I ever had, and you'll never measure up to that, sorry.'

Especially when the people in question are all of one nationality. Yeah, everyone has their preferences, but if a boyfriend said this to me about his past? I'd be so freaking squicked out and be rightfully worried they were fetishizing and/or sexualizing a nationality. It would be an instant dealbreaker for me.

Not to mention it'd be super hurtful to know that in their eyes you'll basically never compare to the feeling they had with them; there's no point even trying-- or changing anything up, they have a mojo you don't. I don't think that's fair-- yeah, in the past, I've had partners that I clicked with sexually, and partners which I didn't quite click with in the same way. It happens. But when the chemistry wasn't instant, It didn't mean I just chalked it up to the other people being better in the sack, and oh well, get over it -- there was always a reason it wasn't better. A reason we worked on as a couple, so we could be mutually satisfied as we did in the past, because our relationship was important to us, and it was important to feel fulfilled in that way.

As for slut shaming, I don't feel that's your problem with her statements. I don't feel its the number, or the casualness of it. I think it's more that you notice there's a callousness to her behavior-- it's not about sleeping with these people, it's about the moral implications of sleeping with a married man for no reason other than he kept asking, or what it means to have casual sex with someone you have neither a physical or emotional attraction to at all. I think if she'd said she was really super attracted them, or had a connection to them, or even if she really wanted to get laid -- you'd understand and not be quite so worried about it. It's that she seems to do things with no real motivation. That's her prerogative, and she doesn't need to really explain those motivations to you, but then, she did tell you about it. Again, if a boyfriend had told me that he slept with a married woman he was uninterested in only because she 'kept asking', I'd feel instant squick about it and wonder about his impulse control.

I don't think you're over-reacting at all, honestly. I talk about my past with my fiance and he knows about mine, and we are not threatened by it at all. I know he loves me and even when I feel a twinge of jealousy, it's never there long. Comparatively, I had an ex who dropped comments like these about his past; and I was a mess. I constantly felt like I wasn't 'good enough' for him. I worked out later that while he didn't do it intentionally-- I don't think-- I felt like he knew subconsciously it would erode at my self esteem. Whenever we got serious about us-- about how wonderful I was? He'd always drop a comment about another girl wanting him, or a story from his past about the best sex ever or whatever. It's like he didn't want me to feel too loved nor secure in his love. I would never truly 'get' him him like she used to, or make him feel like she had sexually-- those roles were taken already, and oh well. I was always at his whims, always worried he would leave me; if he had the chance to be with his best lover, would he take it? He'd assure me he wouldn't but I never truly felt loved by him. It felt like a way for him to control me, to constantly yank the rug from under me, just when I felt stable. In hindsight I felt very manipulated. The line 'You're so super cute, but hmm your brother is cute too,' hits so close to home, dude. Ugh. Why couldn't you just stop at 'you're super cute?' -- it felt like each comment was a double edged sword he was intentionally hurting me with. People who say that being direct in this way is just being real is somewhat true. But it is also damaging to a relationship-- it really messed up my sense of security, self worth and self esteem. These are things that still kind of haunt me today, even though I'm out of that relationship and in one where I feel much more secure and stable. Sometimes that little voice rears up, still, and it sounds just like him. And while I'm not sure if she's really like my ex-- I mean, this was two years of constant comments like the above-- this post does bring back those memories.

As I said before, there's a way to talk about your past-- and also tell it like it is, without it being hurtful and threatening. She does deserve forgiveness, I think, but she needs to learn how to do this for the survivability of this relationship. I think you need to talk to her and explain that it's hurtful to you to hear these things; she can feel whatever she wants inside, but to actively tell you things like she's attracted to your brother is pretty callous. You don't need to know that, ever. If she actively makes an effort to stop? Then try and let go of what she said and start anew. I know that's easier said than done (what's said cannot be unsaid and all), and I think CBT will help with ruminating over the statements, but if she does stop, it proves she truly loves and cares about your feelings, and she doesn't want to hurt you. I feel that's worth saving. And I think if you can't sort it out, if she can't put a lid on saying things that are actively hurting your feelings, then perhaps its time to get out, and find a relationship that you feel more secure in and that suits you both better.

Best of luck.
posted by Dimes at 9:30 AM on March 4, 2017 [4 favorites]


It sounds like she's focusing exclusively on physical attributes and technique when she thinks about sex, without any consideration for depth of feeling or emotional connection. It's possible that her communication skills are terrible or that she doesn't know the words to make the distinction, or maybe she really has never considered sex outside of the physical context. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with her but I'm probably a lot older than you guys so I tend not to suffer fools gladly.

If you decide that you're motivated to unpack this with her, the physical vs. emotional might be a good place to start. But eight months isn't very long in the big picture and if you don't think this is something she can grow out of, I think you might want to really examine what you mean when you say you love her.
posted by janey47 at 9:51 AM on March 4, 2017 [2 favorites]


Does she have ADHD or ADD by any chance? Those of us who have it tend to be oversharers or think because something fascinates us our friends will be interested as well. Turns out not everyone likes to hear about the crematorium tour I took and the bone-crushing machine. Who knew? Not me until a friend interrupted me during dinner. That said, I would never tell a lover about the best sex I had had with someone else or comment on the size of a guy's penis (which happened to an ex of mine). I mean, WTF? Even I wouldn't say such things. Some of us have to practice holding our tongues and learn that every thought we have doesn't have to be shared. I'm far from perfect but at least I know I have that problem. Does she? Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:49 AM on March 4, 2017 [2 favorites]


Do you mean men of a certain ethnicity? Anyway, who cares. She's with you because she wants to be with you. Being with a man is about way more than how he pleases you in the bedroom. Maybe they were great in bed but they were terrible partners. Maybe she had no interest in being in relationships with them but having sex with them was really fun. This is your problem, not hers. Needing to be the best of absolutely everything she's ever had- best partner, best sex, best this, best that, is just your ego setting you up for disappointment. I'll never be the hottest, smartest, funniest, most desirable woman in the world to any man, and I don't expect to be. Even if I'm gorgeous, there will be someone younger than me who has more baby fat in her face and she'll look better. Even if I'm incredibly witty, there will be another woman who's sharper and quicker tongued. Frankly I don't agonize over being the best of everything to anyone. If someone wants to be with me, it's because I'm appealing to him and he loves me. That should be enough for anybody. If she was belittling you on purpose to make you feel insecure as some kind of control mechanism, then I would say this is her problem; but that's not happening- you're the one who's obsessing over this one thing and turning it into something so much bigger than it is. You will never be the best at anything in life, someone will always be better, and that's how it is for everyone.
posted by Avosunspin at 2:22 PM on March 4, 2017


I'd be really put off by this. It's one thing for something to be true, and quite another thing for your girlfriend to be fixated on the truth of it enough to bring it up in conversation.

And the way she did it strikes me as unfair and the opposite of constructive: instead of having a conversation about what she likes sexually and how to better please her, she didn't give you specifics on how to make things better and instead made it into a competition and let you know you had no chance of "winning."

This isn't about whether or not the best sex she ever had was with you, it's about the fact that she seems to be placing a lot of importance on that question, while not thinking about how her words affect you in the process.
posted by alphanerd at 4:01 PM on March 4, 2017 [2 favorites]


It sounds like she's focusing exclusively on physical attributes and technique when she thinks about sex, without any consideration for depth of feeling or emotional connection.

Well I got the opposite out of that comment, and that's what I find so gross about it. The premises she has to believe to say something like that. It wouldn't bother me that my GF has had mind-blowing sex with someone else in the past, and not quite there yet with me. But the "yet" allowance is kind of important, to me anyway.

I mean, what could she be saying there? Not that those men were better at something than you - she could easily tell you what she likes and you could practice. It's got to be that these men were fundamentally something you're not, and then she's generalized "these men" to "men of [certain nationality]" What, do they have big dicks? Something mental, like [certain nationality] accents turn her on? It might be worth asking why she's so sure you won't be as good.

I remember seeing a tweet that summed up the situation pretty well. Something like, we all have our incredible greasy cheeseburger moments even if we wouldn't eat that all the time. There's not a damn thing wrong with that. I'd just be disappointed that she thinks being with me means giving up greasy cheeseburgers forever. And worry what happens when she gets a craving for greasy cheeseburger.
posted by ctmf at 4:06 PM on March 4, 2017 [1 favorite]


My response to this comment would be, "well, I've had nicer partners, but I'll settle for you because you have other positive attributes." This comment would just fly out of my mouth, same as your partner's apparently came out of hers. I can not imagine being comfortable with someone speaking to me the way your girlfriend has spoken to you. I think you are right to be upset and don't really know what to suggest doing about it.
posted by benadryl at 4:23 PM on March 4, 2017 [1 favorite]


On second thought, do you think maybe you and your girlfriend would be better off as close friends? If it seems the sexual dimension is something she is going to call you out on (and it's hard to pin down exactly how this is a callout, but it somehow is...). I feel like something is just off here, like in the guise of intimacy she is putting you down. Not with the sharing about past sexual experiences, but the comparison, ouch. To me, it's akin to saying something like "I've had better looking or smarter partners" in the past, just very uncomfortable.
posted by benadryl at 5:10 PM on March 4, 2017


I can be very honest in relationships, and one long-term ex was even more forthcoming than me. The difference was that we were both empathetic, and both madly in love with each other, so the honesty never actually hurt- we were secure enough in the relationship and made each other feel good enough about ourselves that it wasn't painful. It seems as if your girlfriend's honesty isn't just a few badly spoken phases, but an indication of bigger incompatibilities. I don't think you're being overly sensitive.

Weirdly detailed examples below as contrast!

There's ways of phrasing things when you genuinely love and consider the other person's feelings so even if they are blunt they are phrased in a way that doesn't hurt at all/as much. As an example, I said to Mr Honest "I had some fantastic sex with my ex O. But he wouldn't look into my eyes during it like you do, or hold me afterwards." Mr.H knew that some of the best sex of my life was with O (best? I don't know. Which academy is publishing this top 10 list?) but he also knew I was loyal and principled and in love with him and that we were having fantastic sex together too and with so much more meaning and love and that O was irrelevant to what we had. As another example, Mr H had 5 male cousins (all brothers) all of whom were very plain looking apart from one who was incredibly good looking- we had an in joke about me being in love with the good looking one (it was comical to go to family get togethers and be like "so who's that model dude hanging out with your family?"!) . Mr H was never jealous of his cousin for a second- yeah he was objectively good looking, but I was in love Mr H and found Mr H attractive for so many reasons specific to him and he knew that. Mr H would do the same in return to me- I remember he once told me that I'm not his type and he never used to watch porn with women in it that looked like me, but he'd started to because he's so into me and then he named all the things he found physically attractive about me. I actually found that weirdly sweet rather than launching me into a self confidence crisis as it would have if he'd just said "I'm not usually sexually attracted to people who look like you".

All I mean from those rambly intimate anecdotes was there's honesty, but there's also a feeling of intent behind the honest statement. It sounds like your girlfriend doesn't really care about padding the honesty (and padding doesn't make honesty any less honest- not wanting to hurt my ex and therefor including positive honest statements with the negative one was just as honest a sentiment). Either her bluntness and you are incompatible, or there just isn't the depth of love and respect there that you perhaps hope there is. Definitely worth having a talk to her about it and see if she takes your feelings on board.
posted by hotcoroner at 5:41 PM on March 4, 2017 [2 favorites]


My partner has said similarly disturbing things to me. They aren't overtly hurtful as much as they are simply too much information about topics I don't particularly want to know about. My theory is that people can lack a theory of mind that helps them empathize with another person. It's not like they don't understand another person's pain or difficulty, it's that they don't bother to map out how their words can be innocent yet wounding all in the same delivery. It's sort of the nature of relationship in a way. You will affect your partner in similarly annoying or painful ways, ones you are not conscious of when they occur.
Sometimes when my partner is simply not understanding how I feel I map it out for them by framing an example of the same type of information conveyed at them instead of at me. For you that might be saying to your girl friend, "how would you feel if I told you about the woman who gave me the best oral sex of my life bar none. I still love you and like everything you do but she was the best....a blonde by the way."
Maybe that seems absurd but it sure does drive the point home quickly when they get to try that hat on for a bit. You can also try the Shamu theory...ignore things you don't want and focus on the things you do want. When she talks about things like this, leave or ignore the comment.
posted by diode at 6:57 PM on March 4, 2017 [1 favorite]


From a woman...seriously who would say something like that? After we get to a certain age, well yes we have most likely slept with some other people but from where I sit those comments are nothing more than hurtful, attention-seeking behavior. This is not about you, it is about her.
posted by tkd1 at 7:33 PM on March 4, 2017 [2 favorites]


Are you asking her these things or is she blurting them out?

There are lots of questions you shouldn't ask if you don't want to hear the answer. (Eg my sisters look a lot like me, but with way better, younger figures. You better believe I wouldn't ask my husband if he's attracted to them, because nothing good lies down that road.) So if you asked her if she thinks your brother is hot or if she's had better sex with other guys, then STOP ASKING.

If she randomly interjects these things without you asking, you may have some chance of resetting her verbal filter if you tell her clearly that you need her to think harder before she compares you unfavorably to other dudes, out loud, to your face. That's a totally fair request.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:35 PM on March 4, 2017 [3 favorites]


Response by poster: Thanks again for all of the helpful comments everyone.

I don't ask her these questions, no, but it's not like she just randomly tells me these pieces of information either. Where I would be tactful about how I'd say such a thing (eg "I've had some great sex in the past, but none of it compares to the sex we have as there is so much more feeling and an excellent connection between us") she'll say these things without any tact.

To those who are telling me not to focus on being the best sex she's ever had - I'm not saying I need to be the best sex someone I'm dating has ever had. If I know they are really enjoying themselves and that there's nothing I could be doing differently to make them happier, that's great for me. However, what I'm finding it difficult to accept is knowing for 100% certain that she has enjoyed sex with others more and that there's absolutely nothing I can do to equal/better that.

For those wondering, it's not an ethnicity, it's a particular country. These men apparently do it in such a way that is better than men from other countries. Good for them, but it's information I never needed to know!

To those asking if we could just be close friends, or asking why I'm with her when she says such things - I love her. I really do. I definitely couldn't be close friends and nothing more with someone I love. And that's the reason I'm still seeing her after she has said these hurtful things- I love her. I hate the thought of not being with her, but at the same time I hate that she has said these things and I don't know if I can get over it.
posted by Coolcatjc at 1:39 AM on March 5, 2017


You can't stay with her and not get over it. That way lies misery for both of you.

I have a husband whose natural filter is not calibrated as tightly as I'd like, so my experience might be useful to you. When we first got together he'd occasionally say things that were WAY out of line, almost always because he thought they were clever/funny. I had to say VERY CLEARLY (once with tears, once screaming, once right in front of his friend) that those were not ok thing to say to me. And he apologized and - key - I forgave him and - also key - he has done progressively better at thinking before he speaks, to the point where it's not really an issue anymore.

What I'm saying is that both pieces are key: you need to tell her to knock it off, so she can make her best effort to do so; AND you need to let thoughtless comments go if you're going to stay together.

off topic: what country?
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:32 AM on March 5, 2017 [2 favorites]


Honestly, I will be devil's advocate and say that it's fine to stay with this person and just always resent them a little bit for this. I always worry a little bit when people have to shift their own personal wants and boundaries for the sake of staying with an incompatible partner. I think the takeaway is this situation sucks a tiny bit, but you love each other enough to deal with it. Love, yes, but respect yourself (and your need to be praised and validated sexually, that is an important aspect of relationships!) and you'll be fine.
posted by benadryl at 12:51 PM on March 5, 2017


Best answer: Once again, I find myself at odds with the vast majority of comments - which probably means I'm wrong and should be ignored - but this sounds to me like it's entirely your problem. Finding a lover who will talk honestly about sex is a fantastic and rare thing, and blaming them for saying things that slightly damage your ego is childish.

If each person has the best sexual experience of their life with one partner, then we've each got (on average) a one in tens chance of being the best for any particular mate. Given the wide range of human experience, it's hard not to conclude preferences really are more or less random. Love, friendship, and sex are nearly orthogonal interests, and being good enough at some of them and really great at the others is the best we can realistically hope for.

Part of being a grown up adult person is realizing that your partner has her own life and desires and experiences. There are clearly things she thinks you do better than anyone else - otherwise she wouldn't be your girlfriend. But, expecting to be the best at everything is nonsense. You can be the best person to snuggle up on the couch with, and the best person to go ice fishing with, and also pretty good in bed; and that's a great way to build a long term relationship. Trying to be all things to one person is fairy-tale nonsense that is sure to leave everyone bitter and disappointed.

You can ask her to stop being honest with you. Or you can dump her and find someone who will naturally lie to you without you having to ask. Or, you can suck it up and accept that life isn't fair and few people wind up with a mate who is perfect in every possible way. But, it would be naive to expect that your next girlfriend will actually feel that your sexual encounters are the best in her life. The chances are extremely low. And when she tells you otherwise, you'll know that she's probably lying. That's the implicit contract most people make with their mates, and if you ask me, it's part of why so many relationships are soul-crushing and awful.

If I were you, I'd say, "thanks so much for being entirely honest about our sex life, even though I didn't want to hear it at the time. Let's try something new and fun that might open up new categories of excitement. . . "
posted by eotvos at 3:58 PM on March 5, 2017 [6 favorites]


Response by poster: Thank you very much eotvos - that comment made me look at it totally differently!
posted by Coolcatjc at 11:09 AM on March 6, 2017


blaming them for saying things that slightly damage your ego is childish

Couldn't agree more strongly with this.

Protecting and nurturing your own ego's fragility does you no favours. Knock that thing about a bit and cut it back to a more realistic size.

If you can get it to the point where it confines its workings to the legitimate function of stopping you from committing ill-considered acts of impulsive destruction, and it's no longer whining at you to defend it against every perceived slight, you'll need to do far less work to remain happily in love.
posted by flabdablet at 1:18 AM on March 9, 2017 [1 favorite]


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