Person close to me has joined what appears to be a cult.
February 15, 2017 4:30 AM Subscribe
A person close to me joined Real Love a few years ago and I would like any advice on dealing with cults and if possible this particular organisation. This is happening in the UK, for context. More info below.
I have been unable to get any detailed information on Real Love so far but it appears very much as though they are a cult.
He joined a few years ago and has become progressively more involved and for lack of a better word, strange. It began as him attending a few seminars, then it was spending two grand on weekends away. Then it was weekly meetings. Now it is multiple times a week plus calls/emailing back and forth daily regarding how he should deal with things that he is presented with in his life. He appears to get coached on how to deal with other people not in the organisation.
Essentially - he pays for the 'real love' he felt he was not receiving in his own family. Within RL, he has a new family, to whom he refers to as Dad, Mum etc and upon their advice has recently been baptised into the Mormon church and committed a percentage of his monthly salary to them.
He now behaves abusively towards his wife, who is not currently involved in RL. He controls the finances, refuses to allow her access to them. He does not consult her on money spent/earned (she is a stay at home mum). He has told her that if she leaves him, he will file for full custody of their children. He consults his 'Dad' on how to deal with her even as discussions are in progress. He belittles her, dominates her and generally uses his superior communication skills to win conversations and minimise her thoughts, feelings, sadness. He has negated on the agreement to leave the children out of RL and has now told her the children will be attending the RL/Mormon church twice a month. On everything that happens, she is given the choice to go along with what he wants or leave, the consequence of which is that he refuses to leave the house and has threatened to take her children from her. Add to this, he will only engage with marriage counselling if the counsellor is the 'Dad' from RL and he constantly pressures her to join the organisation.
She loves him but is also deeply unhappy - she attempted to leave him recently and returned the next day. I realise I cannot force her to go, but this is a very unhealthy environment for her and the children.
TL;DR: Coercive control and mental/emotional abuse.
He has isolated himself from all of his biological family and is unreceptive to discourse around RL. He has adopted unrelatable (in my opinion unhealthy) stances with regards to relationships and in general is virtually impossible to have meaningful dialogue with.
I would like to know the following; how does one deal with people in cults? What support is available to his wife and children? What can I do if anything about the fact that the children are being put into this environment (the church) against their mother's will? Is it worth calling social services? If he decides to leave the group at some point in the future, what help is available for him in terms of recovery?
Essentially - give me any advice, any information, any help you can.
I have been unable to get any detailed information on Real Love so far but it appears very much as though they are a cult.
He joined a few years ago and has become progressively more involved and for lack of a better word, strange. It began as him attending a few seminars, then it was spending two grand on weekends away. Then it was weekly meetings. Now it is multiple times a week plus calls/emailing back and forth daily regarding how he should deal with things that he is presented with in his life. He appears to get coached on how to deal with other people not in the organisation.
Essentially - he pays for the 'real love' he felt he was not receiving in his own family. Within RL, he has a new family, to whom he refers to as Dad, Mum etc and upon their advice has recently been baptised into the Mormon church and committed a percentage of his monthly salary to them.
He now behaves abusively towards his wife, who is not currently involved in RL. He controls the finances, refuses to allow her access to them. He does not consult her on money spent/earned (she is a stay at home mum). He has told her that if she leaves him, he will file for full custody of their children. He consults his 'Dad' on how to deal with her even as discussions are in progress. He belittles her, dominates her and generally uses his superior communication skills to win conversations and minimise her thoughts, feelings, sadness. He has negated on the agreement to leave the children out of RL and has now told her the children will be attending the RL/Mormon church twice a month. On everything that happens, she is given the choice to go along with what he wants or leave, the consequence of which is that he refuses to leave the house and has threatened to take her children from her. Add to this, he will only engage with marriage counselling if the counsellor is the 'Dad' from RL and he constantly pressures her to join the organisation.
She loves him but is also deeply unhappy - she attempted to leave him recently and returned the next day. I realise I cannot force her to go, but this is a very unhealthy environment for her and the children.
TL;DR: Coercive control and mental/emotional abuse.
He has isolated himself from all of his biological family and is unreceptive to discourse around RL. He has adopted unrelatable (in my opinion unhealthy) stances with regards to relationships and in general is virtually impossible to have meaningful dialogue with.
I would like to know the following; how does one deal with people in cults? What support is available to his wife and children? What can I do if anything about the fact that the children are being put into this environment (the church) against their mother's will? Is it worth calling social services? If he decides to leave the group at some point in the future, what help is available for him in terms of recovery?
Essentially - give me any advice, any information, any help you can.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's request -- restless_nomad
There's a UK-based Cult Information Centre - more details via https://sendirect.org.uk/providers/sendirect-services-durham/my-services/cult-information-centre/ - although I don't have any personal or professional experience of them.
posted by almostwitty at 5:34 AM on February 15, 2017
posted by almostwitty at 5:34 AM on February 15, 2017
FYI/FWIW I would not confound this group with the Mormon church. The "Real Love" group started in Rome Georgia (USA), and is the brainchild of a Greg Baer. Both the Mormon church and Greg Baer's organization, at a quick read, do each separately have some reputation as being somewhat coercive, but what you're describing sounds a bit more extreme than that.
Maybe I'm wrong and someone will hypnotize me into one of these organizations one of these days, but I always tend to feel that someone who falls into one of these traps (which is apparently all too many of us) is highly suggestible and/or angry in the first place and if it weren't this group, it would be something else - anything from a fundamentalist church to the biker gang at the corner bar - that "convinces" them to treat their loved ones terribly.
I don't know the "business model" behind Real Love, but I wonder if someone (who happens to be Mormon) in the UK "bought into" this and is running the workshops/franchise there.
Moving on to the advice - I think if you are in a position to advise his wife, she and their kids are the victims here, and all you can do is try to empower and support them. In the US (and I'm sure the UK) there are family support services agencies in most areas, and that might be the first place she should go and get advice. If I were in her shoes I'd be thinking: first separate and take the kids with her. Get out from under the roof. Then try to talk with him about getting some help/therapy (that ISN'T this group). Then focus on divorce/custody issues on a permanent basis if he's not responsive to that or it doesn't help.
If you're friendly enough with this man to be the one to make the suggestion, there are lots of "emerging from cults" resources out there, but if he's been in this for years, it's going to be difficult to break through from the outside. My uneducated guess based on limited anecdotal experience is he's going to have to experience some kind of break from within - consequences, or losing faith with the organization - to be willing to listen to anyone.
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:40 AM on February 15, 2017
Maybe I'm wrong and someone will hypnotize me into one of these organizations one of these days, but I always tend to feel that someone who falls into one of these traps (which is apparently all too many of us) is highly suggestible and/or angry in the first place and if it weren't this group, it would be something else - anything from a fundamentalist church to the biker gang at the corner bar - that "convinces" them to treat their loved ones terribly.
I don't know the "business model" behind Real Love, but I wonder if someone (who happens to be Mormon) in the UK "bought into" this and is running the workshops/franchise there.
Moving on to the advice - I think if you are in a position to advise his wife, she and their kids are the victims here, and all you can do is try to empower and support them. In the US (and I'm sure the UK) there are family support services agencies in most areas, and that might be the first place she should go and get advice. If I were in her shoes I'd be thinking: first separate and take the kids with her. Get out from under the roof. Then try to talk with him about getting some help/therapy (that ISN'T this group). Then focus on divorce/custody issues on a permanent basis if he's not responsive to that or it doesn't help.
If you're friendly enough with this man to be the one to make the suggestion, there are lots of "emerging from cults" resources out there, but if he's been in this for years, it's going to be difficult to break through from the outside. My uneducated guess based on limited anecdotal experience is he's going to have to experience some kind of break from within - consequences, or losing faith with the organization - to be willing to listen to anyone.
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:40 AM on February 15, 2017
Pool resources and hire a lawyer for this woman. Among other things, a forensic accountant might be helpful, a skilled divorce attorney will lay out a plan.
It's possible your friend could walk out the door with the kids, go to court immediately, and win some sort of temporary ruling to keep finances and housing stable while custody and divorce are wrangled over. Or maybe concerned friends and family support her and the children for a month or two until temporary support is ordered by court. In short, the husband/father is being a dictatorial maniac and she does not have to simply put up with it.
DV services could help! But if everyone who loves her researched and helped her pay the retainer on an excellent lawyer, man, she would then have options. This is serious, not a game. Get the best professional possible.
Is she in physical danger? She might be even if he's never hit her before. This is about control and I can't think of anything more dangerous. If she left for a day, things may only escalate as he realizes his control is failing and he will fail in his "Dad's" eyes. Maybe DV shelter immediately, then a lawyer?
No. There is no talking to the father, he's deep into the control of his new spiritual "Dad" and "Mom." She needs to talk to professionals that can offer her options to obtain stability and protection, her husband is "gone." This was not the marriage she agreed to. She and the children do not have to stay while the father gets worse.
posted by jbenben at 6:23 AM on February 15, 2017 [8 favorites]
It's possible your friend could walk out the door with the kids, go to court immediately, and win some sort of temporary ruling to keep finances and housing stable while custody and divorce are wrangled over. Or maybe concerned friends and family support her and the children for a month or two until temporary support is ordered by court. In short, the husband/father is being a dictatorial maniac and she does not have to simply put up with it.
DV services could help! But if everyone who loves her researched and helped her pay the retainer on an excellent lawyer, man, she would then have options. This is serious, not a game. Get the best professional possible.
Is she in physical danger? She might be even if he's never hit her before. This is about control and I can't think of anything more dangerous. If she left for a day, things may only escalate as he realizes his control is failing and he will fail in his "Dad's" eyes. Maybe DV shelter immediately, then a lawyer?
No. There is no talking to the father, he's deep into the control of his new spiritual "Dad" and "Mom." She needs to talk to professionals that can offer her options to obtain stability and protection, her husband is "gone." This was not the marriage she agreed to. She and the children do not have to stay while the father gets worse.
posted by jbenben at 6:23 AM on February 15, 2017 [8 favorites]
So the wife has no income of her own and is responsible for two children? Be careful that she doesn't end up homeless as a result of walking out. Here's what Shelter has to say, with a long list of sources for seeking advice.
posted by tel3path at 6:32 AM on February 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by tel3path at 6:32 AM on February 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
You cannot and should not do anything about the guy. He's made his choice. Focus every single available resource on her.
Legal assistance comes first. Don't make a single move without advice from someone who knows the ropes and is looking out for your friend's best interests.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:52 AM on February 15, 2017 [7 favorites]
Legal assistance comes first. Don't make a single move without advice from someone who knows the ropes and is looking out for your friend's best interests.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:52 AM on February 15, 2017 [7 favorites]
I think this situation is complicated and that the thoughts of anyone not familiar with the UK legal system will be of less use.
Your friend needs to consult a divorce solicitor who offers a free 30 minute consult. It is possible that the solicitor will tell her that if she files first, the husband is more likely to have to pay the full costs of the divorce. She needs to know if that is the case to feel she has more options.
She may also be able to get an emergency maintenance order. She needs to know this.
If she has even a single household bill in her name, she should open her own bank account. RBS, TSP and NatWest have 0 fee accounts. She can get the childrens' child benefit sent to this account so she isn't peniless. She should NOT due this until after she consults a solicitor.
Suggestions to access DV and emergency housing services are less likely to bear fruit. These systems do not have enough resources or places. If she is unwilling to remove the children from school, she has almost 0 chance of finding a very local service that can accommodate her. Her council's housing list is likely to be miles long.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:11 AM on February 15, 2017 [25 favorites]
Your friend needs to consult a divorce solicitor who offers a free 30 minute consult. It is possible that the solicitor will tell her that if she files first, the husband is more likely to have to pay the full costs of the divorce. She needs to know if that is the case to feel she has more options.
She may also be able to get an emergency maintenance order. She needs to know this.
If she has even a single household bill in her name, she should open her own bank account. RBS, TSP and NatWest have 0 fee accounts. She can get the childrens' child benefit sent to this account so she isn't peniless. She should NOT due this until after she consults a solicitor.
Suggestions to access DV and emergency housing services are less likely to bear fruit. These systems do not have enough resources or places. If she is unwilling to remove the children from school, she has almost 0 chance of finding a very local service that can accommodate her. Her council's housing list is likely to be miles long.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:11 AM on February 15, 2017 [25 favorites]
If she's not yet ready to take concrete legal steps but would like to talk to someone in confidence about her situation, she can still call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 or email them on helpline@womensaid.org.uk. They have a lot of experience in supporting women in very bad relationship situations, they will be able to talk her through her options, and they will not pressure her to take steps she's not ready for.
posted by Catseye at 7:30 AM on February 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by Catseye at 7:30 AM on February 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
He is emotionally, verbally, and financially abusing his family. This was happening to me, but without the cult. My ex was just an asshole. This is domestic violence. DV isn't always hitting.
She needs to go to a women's shelter and take her kids. She fears for their lives because she doesn't know how he'll react once she tries to leave. She needs to keep repeating that. She's afraid of him.
Then once at the shelter she needs to contact the police in the town she lived in with her husband and tell them that she fled to a DV shelter with her children and that her husband may try to report them missing. They aren't. Then she needs to get to whatever welfare office the UK uses, I'm from the US and I'm not sure how it works there and get her and the kids into the system and child support.
Even if he files for custody, it is now on record that she fled the home because of DV issues and went directly to a women's shelter.
It has to be a DV shelter. If she goes to family or friends and doesn't immediately report this, then she can be considered abandoning the marriage and it all becomes much more difficult.
She's going to be scared and confused, and she's already in a very vulnerable headspace. Everyone is going to be very curt and blunt at the start of the processes and what she'll need most is a friend that says, "It's okay. I know you're scared. But you can do this. It will get better. I won't abandon you during this time." Then that friend needs to stick to that promise.
Got it?
Good luck and memail me if you ever need someone to unload on. It's hard being the mom in this, but it's also hard being the support the system. Remember that.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 7:32 AM on February 15, 2017 [7 favorites]
She needs to go to a women's shelter and take her kids. She fears for their lives because she doesn't know how he'll react once she tries to leave. She needs to keep repeating that. She's afraid of him.
Then once at the shelter she needs to contact the police in the town she lived in with her husband and tell them that she fled to a DV shelter with her children and that her husband may try to report them missing. They aren't. Then she needs to get to whatever welfare office the UK uses, I'm from the US and I'm not sure how it works there and get her and the kids into the system and child support.
Even if he files for custody, it is now on record that she fled the home because of DV issues and went directly to a women's shelter.
It has to be a DV shelter. If she goes to family or friends and doesn't immediately report this, then she can be considered abandoning the marriage and it all becomes much more difficult.
She's going to be scared and confused, and she's already in a very vulnerable headspace. Everyone is going to be very curt and blunt at the start of the processes and what she'll need most is a friend that says, "It's okay. I know you're scared. But you can do this. It will get better. I won't abandon you during this time." Then that friend needs to stick to that promise.
Got it?
Good luck and memail me if you ever need someone to unload on. It's hard being the mom in this, but it's also hard being the support the system. Remember that.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 7:32 AM on February 15, 2017 [7 favorites]
If she insists in staying in the marriage encourage her to get a job. She'll have more options in a year if she does decide to leave and some money. If she's unwilling to work and unwilling to leave the marriage and unwilling to pull the kids from school I think you need to take a big step back for your good and hers. She has to do something or nothing will change. Getting friends worked up on your behalf feels like doing something but it's not.
My experience is that you cannot convince someone to leave a marriage they aren't ready to leave no matter how crappy it is. But you can shake them out of their rut a bit.
posted by fshgrl at 7:37 AM on February 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
My experience is that you cannot convince someone to leave a marriage they aren't ready to leave no matter how crappy it is. But you can shake them out of their rut a bit.
posted by fshgrl at 7:37 AM on February 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
Also, "I'll file for full custody" is a) a very common abuser threat and b) bullshit - that isn't how the UK family system works, even without the cult and abuse parts of this. But she very well may not know that, especially if he's been arguing her down over everything else.
She might be more willing to speak to a solicitor or an informed support organisation if it's presented to her as "I think your husband is lying/misinformed, why not find out more about what your options really are?" rather than "this is the first step in leaving."
posted by Catseye at 7:46 AM on February 15, 2017 [14 favorites]
She might be more willing to speak to a solicitor or an informed support organisation if it's presented to her as "I think your husband is lying/misinformed, why not find out more about what your options really are?" rather than "this is the first step in leaving."
posted by Catseye at 7:46 AM on February 15, 2017 [14 favorites]
She is not obligated to leave him just because she speaks to a lawyer, but the second anybody in the whole damn world threatens to take your children away from you, the thing you do next is talk to a lawyer and get facts about what someone can and can't do to your children without your consent and what you do to protect them. This threat isn't just from her bad relationship choices, it's from the entire cult now. Cults love kids.
And once he takes the kids and hides them is a bad time to not already have spoken to a lawyer. Especially if this cult indoctrinates children via physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse. Scare the fuck out of her if you must, to get her to think of someone besides herself.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:55 AM on February 15, 2017 [20 favorites]
And once he takes the kids and hides them is a bad time to not already have spoken to a lawyer. Especially if this cult indoctrinates children via physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse. Scare the fuck out of her if you must, to get her to think of someone besides herself.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:55 AM on February 15, 2017 [20 favorites]
I think everyone covered what she could/should do to be proactive about her situation. Which is really what everyone is advocating...that she advocate for herself and her children, understand her options, and find independent footing.
I'm unsure if you are closer to him than her? If closer to him, what about going to one of these meetings with him, figure out who the "Dad" is and see what kind of stuff is going down? This guy is, at best, an unreliable narrator. Whenever someone starts talking about being in therapy and saying things like, "My therapist said you were a horrible person!" I suspect they are unreliable. This guy sounds like he has lost his way on multiple fronts and I wouldn't trust that he is getting this exact kind of directive from his group but...who knows?
And if the wife is unwilling to be proactive or protective in any way, she should probably go to one of these meetings, too, especially if the kids are going. However, no matter how much she decides to play passive or even to get involved in the group, I suspect the dynamic won't change.
Has he been medically examined? Does he have a brain tumor?
posted by amanda at 9:42 AM on February 15, 2017
I'm unsure if you are closer to him than her? If closer to him, what about going to one of these meetings with him, figure out who the "Dad" is and see what kind of stuff is going down? This guy is, at best, an unreliable narrator. Whenever someone starts talking about being in therapy and saying things like, "My therapist said you were a horrible person!" I suspect they are unreliable. This guy sounds like he has lost his way on multiple fronts and I wouldn't trust that he is getting this exact kind of directive from his group but...who knows?
And if the wife is unwilling to be proactive or protective in any way, she should probably go to one of these meetings, too, especially if the kids are going. However, no matter how much she decides to play passive or even to get involved in the group, I suspect the dynamic won't change.
Has he been medically examined? Does he have a brain tumor?
posted by amanda at 9:42 AM on February 15, 2017
Even if she is not ready right now to leave him for good, you can gently connect her with information about her rights. Was she the one who told you that he threatened to fight her for custody of the kids? Then you can tell her why he's unlikely to get custody, and connect her with the sources on that. You may not be able to kidnap her and sit her down with a family lawyer, but you can make sure she is well-informed so that it's harder for him to gaslight her. You can also tell her in plain terms that if there's ever any help she needs, you will help her, no questions asked.
posted by Pearl928 at 10:21 AM on February 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by Pearl928 at 10:21 AM on February 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
Echoing Lyn Never. The critical part of your post is that he threatened to take the kids from her. That's enough and that's final. Stop worrying about him, and stop worrying about her. You can't change someone's mind in this situation if she says she "loves him" and stays there.
What you need to do is to scare the hell out of her with respect to what he's doing to her kids. That's likely to be the only way you will shock her into doing something that will be very hard for her, for the sake of her kids.
Agree that going directly to DV services or even a police station on the way is the right way, and then straight to the lawyer's in the morning. Forget about things like where the kids go to school -- it's likely to be untenable that they stay there anyway as he knows where that is. Also forget about the money -- if she does end up with half the house (assuming it's not already been given away) that should be considered a bonus. She will need cash, from every family member or friend you know, and she'll need it now.
posted by tillsbury at 11:15 AM on February 15, 2017
What you need to do is to scare the hell out of her with respect to what he's doing to her kids. That's likely to be the only way you will shock her into doing something that will be very hard for her, for the sake of her kids.
Agree that going directly to DV services or even a police station on the way is the right way, and then straight to the lawyer's in the morning. Forget about things like where the kids go to school -- it's likely to be untenable that they stay there anyway as he knows where that is. Also forget about the money -- if she does end up with half the house (assuming it's not already been given away) that should be considered a bonus. She will need cash, from every family member or friend you know, and she'll need it now.
posted by tillsbury at 11:15 AM on February 15, 2017
She just needs a legal consultation to get a primer on her rights. Currently, all of her information is coming from her husband and the cult. Convince her she has enough agency to gather information on her own. No other action is required at this stage.
The first step is not leaving. The first step is clarifying the legal situation as it currently exists.
posted by jbenben at 11:40 AM on February 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
The first step is not leaving. The first step is clarifying the legal situation as it currently exists.
posted by jbenben at 11:40 AM on February 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
So there are a few issues here.
1) Financial control: It doesn't matter if the cult is behind this or the husband, it’s not a good situation for her. The essay and discussion in this Meta post might be good for her to read. I agree that encouraging her to make money - child minding, dog walking, or moving ahead in her career - would be an important step.
2) Custody: I can’t comment but I think she could access professional resources pretty swiftly here.
3) Her relationship: yes, her husband is under the influence of a cult but it is her husband saying this to her. I have been involved in a cult via my family of origin, and the thing is…the cult can go away but the people who are willing to treat each other like that in the name of the cult remain. It might be worth quietly reinforcing to her that this isn’t a Real Love problem. This is a her marriage/her husband problem. Her husband does not give her a voice in their marriage that is equal to his. And threatens to take the kids! That's horrific. But you can't make her leave until...she's ready.
4) The cult: you can help by being a reality check for her AND if you have access, him. I would say things like “wow, that’s not okay.” “That’s not cool.” “I wouldn’t be able to function like that” and so on as appropriate. Statements that are hard to argue with but which might echo after the fact. But that said, from my experience being in one, your ability to influence is just that - you can only try to influence him.
5) The kids and the cult: what the kids probably need most is alternative viewpoints — really great stories and literature and talk about the wide diversity of life, age-appropriately. This helped me enormously eventually — I sometimes say philosophy saved my life and I’m not actually kidding; the high school class I had in it helped me to have words and concepts and arguments to apply to systems that had really harmed me as a child. It’s not very likely, assuming the cult is not doing anything illegal, that even with a divorce she would be able to prevent him from taking the kids there from time to time, so my approach would be to offer them way better ‘stuff’ to fill their hearts and minds with while their schedule is still up to their parents.
6) The only person in this equation who can really change things is the mum. There’s lots of advice on that part of it here. I think your role is as a resource and support.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:17 PM on February 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
1) Financial control: It doesn't matter if the cult is behind this or the husband, it’s not a good situation for her. The essay and discussion in this Meta post might be good for her to read. I agree that encouraging her to make money - child minding, dog walking, or moving ahead in her career - would be an important step.
2) Custody: I can’t comment but I think she could access professional resources pretty swiftly here.
3) Her relationship: yes, her husband is under the influence of a cult but it is her husband saying this to her. I have been involved in a cult via my family of origin, and the thing is…the cult can go away but the people who are willing to treat each other like that in the name of the cult remain. It might be worth quietly reinforcing to her that this isn’t a Real Love problem. This is a her marriage/her husband problem. Her husband does not give her a voice in their marriage that is equal to his. And threatens to take the kids! That's horrific. But you can't make her leave until...she's ready.
4) The cult: you can help by being a reality check for her AND if you have access, him. I would say things like “wow, that’s not okay.” “That’s not cool.” “I wouldn’t be able to function like that” and so on as appropriate. Statements that are hard to argue with but which might echo after the fact. But that said, from my experience being in one, your ability to influence is just that - you can only try to influence him.
5) The kids and the cult: what the kids probably need most is alternative viewpoints — really great stories and literature and talk about the wide diversity of life, age-appropriately. This helped me enormously eventually — I sometimes say philosophy saved my life and I’m not actually kidding; the high school class I had in it helped me to have words and concepts and arguments to apply to systems that had really harmed me as a child. It’s not very likely, assuming the cult is not doing anything illegal, that even with a divorce she would be able to prevent him from taking the kids there from time to time, so my approach would be to offer them way better ‘stuff’ to fill their hearts and minds with while their schedule is still up to their parents.
6) The only person in this equation who can really change things is the mum. There’s lots of advice on that part of it here. I think your role is as a resource and support.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:17 PM on February 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
So I would strongly counsel your friend's wife to go talk to a divorce lawyer. Even if she isn't ready to completely leave yet, I think it would help her to get some real information from a professional. She should also assume that any information she is getting from her spouse is not reliable.
posted by colfax at 4:52 AM on February 15, 2017 [31 favorites]