Partner hit rock bottom and I can't deal - what to do?
January 1, 2017 5:25 AM Subscribe
My partner recently told me that they spent a small fortune on drugs while I was away in order to cope with severe depression. I broke up with them because I couldn't deal and I need clarity on what to do next.
My (ex)partner of 9 years has been battling severe clinical depression for a few years, but hit an unbelievable low in the past 12 months. I was kept in the dark about most of the lows and am now just hearing about it all. It has been difficult in general holding together this partnership throughout everything but I was willing to do so; however, just yesterday they told me that for a few months while I was away abroad they spent nearly $30,000 on oxycontin and cocaine to dull their pain and suffering (we keep our finances separate so I had absolutely no clue). They say that they haven't touched any drugs since, except for a 'couple slips' with cocaine. I always knew that they had some issues with substance abuse but didn't realize it would get nearly this bad.
They've been in therapy for 8 months or so now and have made great progress it seems, but I still broke up with them (gently) after hearing this news. I feel terribly leaving them based on their darkest days, but I know in my heart that I will never be able to fully trust them and will always be suspicious of their actions. I was already having difficulty with their drinking, but this is a whole new level. This whole situation has broken my heart into a million pieces - we have such a wonderful, wonderful relationship and I truly thought that I would be with them for the rest of my life. They are such a caring, sweet, empathetic person otherwise and I will miss them so very much. Thinking about coming home and them not being there is keeping me from going to bed right now.
I'm not really sure what to do with myself. Where we live has one of the worst housing markets and it will be a real struggle to find a place to live, first of all. Moving cities right now is not possible and this is stressing me out. Secondly, I am worried about their well-being… I truly do not want them to go down that path again and am terrified that the breakup will make things far worse for them. This is so fresh and I am completely out of sorts.
I guess my questions are:
1) This is a pretty extreme situation, but have any of you dealt with anything similar? How did you cope?
2) I am so scared about their well-being even though they have been making significant progress in therapy. They have not been doing drugs and their drinking has been fairly limited. However, I wonder whether I should tell their parents. Their parents know about therapy and depression (though not the severity) but not the drugs. Do you think I should tell them? Would it be the responsible thing to do or should I just avoid more involvement? I'm worried that somehow telling their parents will make the situation worse, like they'll totally cut ties with their entire support system.
3) How do I get over the fact that I have to walk away from someone who is still my most beloved, and who I still feel is one of the kindest and most wonderful people? There is still a small part of me that wants to stay and help them, and to forgive them for this horrible moment in their lives. How likely do you think it is that they will relapse? What would you do in my situation? I need some clarity.
Some details: not married, no children, I don't live in the same city as my parents but they do.
Throwaway email: wherediditallgothrowaway@gmail.com
Thank you all so much in advance.
My (ex)partner of 9 years has been battling severe clinical depression for a few years, but hit an unbelievable low in the past 12 months. I was kept in the dark about most of the lows and am now just hearing about it all. It has been difficult in general holding together this partnership throughout everything but I was willing to do so; however, just yesterday they told me that for a few months while I was away abroad they spent nearly $30,000 on oxycontin and cocaine to dull their pain and suffering (we keep our finances separate so I had absolutely no clue). They say that they haven't touched any drugs since, except for a 'couple slips' with cocaine. I always knew that they had some issues with substance abuse but didn't realize it would get nearly this bad.
They've been in therapy for 8 months or so now and have made great progress it seems, but I still broke up with them (gently) after hearing this news. I feel terribly leaving them based on their darkest days, but I know in my heart that I will never be able to fully trust them and will always be suspicious of their actions. I was already having difficulty with their drinking, but this is a whole new level. This whole situation has broken my heart into a million pieces - we have such a wonderful, wonderful relationship and I truly thought that I would be with them for the rest of my life. They are such a caring, sweet, empathetic person otherwise and I will miss them so very much. Thinking about coming home and them not being there is keeping me from going to bed right now.
I'm not really sure what to do with myself. Where we live has one of the worst housing markets and it will be a real struggle to find a place to live, first of all. Moving cities right now is not possible and this is stressing me out. Secondly, I am worried about their well-being… I truly do not want them to go down that path again and am terrified that the breakup will make things far worse for them. This is so fresh and I am completely out of sorts.
I guess my questions are:
1) This is a pretty extreme situation, but have any of you dealt with anything similar? How did you cope?
2) I am so scared about their well-being even though they have been making significant progress in therapy. They have not been doing drugs and their drinking has been fairly limited. However, I wonder whether I should tell their parents. Their parents know about therapy and depression (though not the severity) but not the drugs. Do you think I should tell them? Would it be the responsible thing to do or should I just avoid more involvement? I'm worried that somehow telling their parents will make the situation worse, like they'll totally cut ties with their entire support system.
3) How do I get over the fact that I have to walk away from someone who is still my most beloved, and who I still feel is one of the kindest and most wonderful people? There is still a small part of me that wants to stay and help them, and to forgive them for this horrible moment in their lives. How likely do you think it is that they will relapse? What would you do in my situation? I need some clarity.
Some details: not married, no children, I don't live in the same city as my parents but they do.
Throwaway email: wherediditallgothrowaway@gmail.com
Thank you all so much in advance.
Do not kid yourself; there is no gentle break-up for a 9 year relationship.
If it is over, mourn the loss of the relationship and commit to it being over so you aren't Yo-Yoing each other back and forth in a quasi-care-pain-shame-loop. You had a line - even if hazy - and it was crossed. You can recommend therapists. You can meet to address nine years of financial entanglements. But if it is over, it needs to be over and you need to make that clear to yourself and your former partner at the same time.
It is appropriate to hand-off information as to what is going on to their support system. Whether they want to deal with their parents or not - someone who cares about them needs to be tagged in. If they cut ties, it is on the onus of their parents or themselves to break through whatever barrier is preventing them from accepting help. Even if you were still involved with them - would your now ex-partner expect you to sit with your hands tied and do nothing? Would your expectation be that they could destroy themselves and your word would not be allowed to affect it? Parents are a next logical support system - period.
posted by Nanukthedog at 6:26 AM on January 1, 2017 [7 favorites]
If it is over, mourn the loss of the relationship and commit to it being over so you aren't Yo-Yoing each other back and forth in a quasi-care-pain-shame-loop. You had a line - even if hazy - and it was crossed. You can recommend therapists. You can meet to address nine years of financial entanglements. But if it is over, it needs to be over and you need to make that clear to yourself and your former partner at the same time.
It is appropriate to hand-off information as to what is going on to their support system. Whether they want to deal with their parents or not - someone who cares about them needs to be tagged in. If they cut ties, it is on the onus of their parents or themselves to break through whatever barrier is preventing them from accepting help. Even if you were still involved with them - would your now ex-partner expect you to sit with your hands tied and do nothing? Would your expectation be that they could destroy themselves and your word would not be allowed to affect it? Parents are a next logical support system - period.
posted by Nanukthedog at 6:26 AM on January 1, 2017 [7 favorites]
You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. Repeat these words over and over.
You can either save your live or die with him. Save your life first, only then can you be of any help.
I'm so sorry you are going through this- it's very tough. Please ask for help from everyone you know. Ask.
posted by SyraCarol at 6:32 AM on January 1, 2017 [15 favorites]
You can either save your live or die with him. Save your life first, only then can you be of any help.
I'm so sorry you are going through this- it's very tough. Please ask for help from everyone you know. Ask.
posted by SyraCarol at 6:32 AM on January 1, 2017 [15 favorites]
You are doing the right thing and I am so so sorry. In order to relapse, a person has to stop doing drugs and drinking, and it doesn't at all sound like your partner has done that. You can assume that even as horrifying as the things they've told you are, there is probably still a lot you don't know.
Regarding their parents, I would think long and hard about WHY you would tell them before you do it. Are you hoping they will intervene and save your partner? (This will probably not happen.) In these sorts of situations I try always to remember that anything you say can't be unsaid. If you aren't sure if you should do something, it's okay not to do it.
My husband is a recovering addict who has been clean and sober for over a decade. He struggled for about a year with trying to quit before he finally managed it. During that year there were many times I thought I would have to leave, despite the fact that I loved him and that he had never done anything to hurt me. But I consoled myself by thinking, "whatever is happening right now won't be forever." You left, but maybe in a year or two your partner will have some serious clean time and will get their life together and then you can be together again. None of us know what will happen tomorrow. The important thing to do is protect yourself and don't get drug under with them, and you've done that. I know how hard it is and you should feel so proud of yourself for doing it. Hang in there.
posted by something something at 7:29 AM on January 1, 2017 [12 favorites]
Regarding their parents, I would think long and hard about WHY you would tell them before you do it. Are you hoping they will intervene and save your partner? (This will probably not happen.) In these sorts of situations I try always to remember that anything you say can't be unsaid. If you aren't sure if you should do something, it's okay not to do it.
My husband is a recovering addict who has been clean and sober for over a decade. He struggled for about a year with trying to quit before he finally managed it. During that year there were many times I thought I would have to leave, despite the fact that I loved him and that he had never done anything to hurt me. But I consoled myself by thinking, "whatever is happening right now won't be forever." You left, but maybe in a year or two your partner will have some serious clean time and will get their life together and then you can be together again. None of us know what will happen tomorrow. The important thing to do is protect yourself and don't get drug under with them, and you've done that. I know how hard it is and you should feel so proud of yourself for doing it. Hang in there.
posted by something something at 7:29 AM on January 1, 2017 [12 favorites]
Find an Al-Anon group and go to a couple meetings. They're designed for people who have a loved one who is an addict. There's no commitment or cost and you can share or just listen.
They use the Serenity Prayer and a general idea of a higher power.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
I'd consider telling their family or another support person, or asking if you can, if you think they're at risk. Now that you're separated, though, I'd be cautious of caretaking long term in this way. You could encourage them to do it and leave it at that.
Sorry you're going through this. Take care of yourself and good luck.
posted by ramenopres at 8:22 AM on January 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
They use the Serenity Prayer and a general idea of a higher power.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
I'd consider telling their family or another support person, or asking if you can, if you think they're at risk. Now that you're separated, though, I'd be cautious of caretaking long term in this way. You could encourage them to do it and leave it at that.
Sorry you're going through this. Take care of yourself and good luck.
posted by ramenopres at 8:22 AM on January 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
Thank goodness your finances were separate.
You are not responsible for their well-being, and they certainly aren't worried about yours, seeing as how they used your absence as an opportunity to blow thirty grand on drugs rather than, say, tell you they were struggling, or tell a friend, or reach out to a professional, or any of the other choices they had available to them that didn't involve spending the equivalent of a house down-payment getting high and then hiding it from you.
I'm sure they are a caring and empathetic person, because nobody has only one facet to their personality, but they are also extremely destructive--they hide their problems and solve them through spectacularly irresponsible behavior. This could have easily bankrupted you. You could have seen your retirement evaporate, you could have lost everything you own to this person's drug binge. You might anyway, if you give them another chance.
You can forgive someone, wish them the best, and think well of them without exposing your own security and well-being to their obviously distorted/non-existent judgment. Don't take them back. And yes, absolutely tell their parents. This person is on a destructive path, and when their money is gone, they will start tapping the money of other people they know--you, their parents, their friends, the people who want to see them do well are the first targets. Tell their parents, so the parents can act with all the information they need. Please.
posted by Autumnheart at 9:25 AM on January 1, 2017 [19 favorites]
You are not responsible for their well-being, and they certainly aren't worried about yours, seeing as how they used your absence as an opportunity to blow thirty grand on drugs rather than, say, tell you they were struggling, or tell a friend, or reach out to a professional, or any of the other choices they had available to them that didn't involve spending the equivalent of a house down-payment getting high and then hiding it from you.
I'm sure they are a caring and empathetic person, because nobody has only one facet to their personality, but they are also extremely destructive--they hide their problems and solve them through spectacularly irresponsible behavior. This could have easily bankrupted you. You could have seen your retirement evaporate, you could have lost everything you own to this person's drug binge. You might anyway, if you give them another chance.
You can forgive someone, wish them the best, and think well of them without exposing your own security and well-being to their obviously distorted/non-existent judgment. Don't take them back. And yes, absolutely tell their parents. This person is on a destructive path, and when their money is gone, they will start tapping the money of other people they know--you, their parents, their friends, the people who want to see them do well are the first targets. Tell their parents, so the parents can act with all the information they need. Please.
posted by Autumnheart at 9:25 AM on January 1, 2017 [19 favorites]
When someone has such severe problems, the parents are typically part of the problem and not part of the solution. For this reason, I would not tell the parents. Also, if you really leave, it isn't really your business anymore. Trying to interfere with their life by deciding who to tell is an expression of poor boundaries. Poor boundaries are part of the problem, not part of the solution.
You have not indicated if $30,000 is financially devastating for your partner or not. I knew someone who did about $10k of cocaine in one year in the 1980s. That was a helluva lot of money back then, but they had a good income. They had debts and no savings, but this was not a situation where they were feeling compelled to, say, rob people at gun point.
You might read "The truth about addiction and recovery."
I have a medical condition where people can spend way more than $30k/year on prescription medication. If the drugs helped them cope and they make enough money to afford it, I think I would not be too judgey about this. Modern medicine does not have some slam dunk, guaranteed solution for depression.
There are no children, you keep your finances separate and your concern about housing costs plus your lack of commentary on what $30k means to the two of you makes me think your partner has a lot more money than you. And you miss them terribly. Other than knee jerk societal judginess, I am failing to see the problem with them spending their own money on self medicating in your absence. You have not indicated how and why this is a problem, beyond you feeling lied to. So you might want to spend some time clarifying for yourself why you feel this is such a dealbreaker.
My dad drank heavily while he was in the army. He fought in two wars and he quit drinking after he left the army and was no longer in danger of being sent back to a war zone. He was never a mean drunk and there was always enough money to take care of the family, so my mother did not care that he drank.
Anyway, if you do really leave, you need to get your priorities straight. This question has too much content about your concern for your partner and too little concern for your own financial survival. This is part of why I am framing my reply like the break up is not actually a done deal: Because the framing of the question does not really sound like it is a done deal. If you really want to leave, you need to figure out how to take care of you, emotionally and practically. When you leave, their problems are their own.
I suggest you start a journal and start the hunt for affordable housing for yourself.
posted by Michele in California at 9:36 AM on January 1, 2017 [10 favorites]
You have not indicated if $30,000 is financially devastating for your partner or not. I knew someone who did about $10k of cocaine in one year in the 1980s. That was a helluva lot of money back then, but they had a good income. They had debts and no savings, but this was not a situation where they were feeling compelled to, say, rob people at gun point.
You might read "The truth about addiction and recovery."
I have a medical condition where people can spend way more than $30k/year on prescription medication. If the drugs helped them cope and they make enough money to afford it, I think I would not be too judgey about this. Modern medicine does not have some slam dunk, guaranteed solution for depression.
There are no children, you keep your finances separate and your concern about housing costs plus your lack of commentary on what $30k means to the two of you makes me think your partner has a lot more money than you. And you miss them terribly. Other than knee jerk societal judginess, I am failing to see the problem with them spending their own money on self medicating in your absence. You have not indicated how and why this is a problem, beyond you feeling lied to. So you might want to spend some time clarifying for yourself why you feel this is such a dealbreaker.
My dad drank heavily while he was in the army. He fought in two wars and he quit drinking after he left the army and was no longer in danger of being sent back to a war zone. He was never a mean drunk and there was always enough money to take care of the family, so my mother did not care that he drank.
Anyway, if you do really leave, you need to get your priorities straight. This question has too much content about your concern for your partner and too little concern for your own financial survival. This is part of why I am framing my reply like the break up is not actually a done deal: Because the framing of the question does not really sound like it is a done deal. If you really want to leave, you need to figure out how to take care of you, emotionally and practically. When you leave, their problems are their own.
I suggest you start a journal and start the hunt for affordable housing for yourself.
posted by Michele in California at 9:36 AM on January 1, 2017 [10 favorites]
Concentrate on getting yourself into stable housing and transitioning your life. This is a huge upheaval. Don't tell your ex's parents. It's both not your place and your ex is also in an established therapeutic relationship, so it's not a dire situation.
If therapy for you isn't financially possible, do get to some Al Anon meetings to help you process this and get a better idea of how to think about the situation.
Your partner has resources and is in therapy. Don't get into savior mode. This isn't yours to fix. Take care of yourself first. Good luck.
posted by quince at 12:42 PM on January 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
If therapy for you isn't financially possible, do get to some Al Anon meetings to help you process this and get a better idea of how to think about the situation.
Your partner has resources and is in therapy. Don't get into savior mode. This isn't yours to fix. Take care of yourself first. Good luck.
posted by quince at 12:42 PM on January 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
I am so sorry this has happened in your life. It's not your fault; you didn't cause it. And you hold no culpability for it getting as bad as it has, you don't control it and your actions have not and cannot make the situation better or worse through your action or inaction. Drug addiction and alcoholism are terrible diseases and you are right to work on saving yourself from falling down this hole with your ex-partner. As a former wife of an alcoholic, I can tell you that:
1) If your partner is still functioning, they have not hit their bottom yet. Don't expect your departure or withdrawal of daily support to be the thing that makes them give up their vice(s). There is nothing you can do or not do to hasten or cushion the inevitable bottoming out of addiction.
2) Telling your ex-partner's parents about the drug abuse is not going to end the drug abuse and is likely only going to cut off a support source that your ex-partner is going to need.
3) That being said, it's okay to be honest with people when they ask why you broke up, you don't have to keep it a secret. Saying simply, "[Partner] had a drug problem that I couldn't handle" is a complete sentence and doesn't require editorializing.
4) Finding a Nar-Anon (for loved ones of addicts) or Al-Anon (for loved ones or alcoholics) meeting might give you the support system you need from people who have been there. Changed my life, might change yours, YMMV.
5) For over a year I coped by getting busy getting my life back together and forging an identity as a person who was not tied to my ex. I hadn't realized that our identities were so tied up together, and it took real effort to find myself fresh. I journaled, went to meetings, indulged in things that my ex didn't enjoy, and started waking up not wanting to die in ten or so months. Again, YMMV.
As above posters have said, getting your housing secured is an important first step. If you're able to take things one day at a time and set small goals for yourself daily, you can do this. Today, look at apartment ads, make a list of five. Wednesday when things are open again, call those five and set appointments. Wash, rinse, repeat. Small-scale goals, focus on one thing at a time. We learn some weird coping skills for living life with addicts, and those coping skills don't serve us in the long run when the addict is no longer in our lives. You can dismantle those patterns one day at a time with practice.
posted by juniperesque at 2:44 PM on January 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
1) If your partner is still functioning, they have not hit their bottom yet. Don't expect your departure or withdrawal of daily support to be the thing that makes them give up their vice(s). There is nothing you can do or not do to hasten or cushion the inevitable bottoming out of addiction.
2) Telling your ex-partner's parents about the drug abuse is not going to end the drug abuse and is likely only going to cut off a support source that your ex-partner is going to need.
3) That being said, it's okay to be honest with people when they ask why you broke up, you don't have to keep it a secret. Saying simply, "[Partner] had a drug problem that I couldn't handle" is a complete sentence and doesn't require editorializing.
4) Finding a Nar-Anon (for loved ones of addicts) or Al-Anon (for loved ones or alcoholics) meeting might give you the support system you need from people who have been there. Changed my life, might change yours, YMMV.
5) For over a year I coped by getting busy getting my life back together and forging an identity as a person who was not tied to my ex. I hadn't realized that our identities were so tied up together, and it took real effort to find myself fresh. I journaled, went to meetings, indulged in things that my ex didn't enjoy, and started waking up not wanting to die in ten or so months. Again, YMMV.
As above posters have said, getting your housing secured is an important first step. If you're able to take things one day at a time and set small goals for yourself daily, you can do this. Today, look at apartment ads, make a list of five. Wednesday when things are open again, call those five and set appointments. Wash, rinse, repeat. Small-scale goals, focus on one thing at a time. We learn some weird coping skills for living life with addicts, and those coping skills don't serve us in the long run when the addict is no longer in our lives. You can dismantle those patterns one day at a time with practice.
posted by juniperesque at 2:44 PM on January 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
This could have easily bankrupted you. You could have seen your retirement evaporate, you could have lost everything you own to this person's drug binge. You might anyway, if you give them another chance.
No, they said their finances are separate, so none of this could have happened.
OP, please do not go to the parents of an adult of (apparently) considerable financial means who is in therapy, who is aware of their own problems, and who is able to be honest although not in what you might call a timely fashion. They are no longer your partner. You might have the moral right to tell their parents if you were still entangled with them, but not anymore. You may mean it as the most loving gesture in the world, but it will not appear that way to them. There's no question but that you should do what is best for you in terms of getting out, but you loved them and you're leaving anyway because you found out -- what do you think their parents, who may also love them, will do with the same information?
Do you want the parents to follow your lead, to teach the ex a lesson about losing everything? or do you trust that they can't possibly do that and will blindly support them no matter what? or do you want to do this so that the ex will be furious and will not take you back if you're afraid of forgiving them in a moment of weakness and going back? or do you feel guilty about leaving and you want the parents to take your place as guilty caretaker? None of these are good reasons.
they need help and the person with the best possible chance at providing it is their therapist. If you think they're lying to the therapist, I suppose you could leave a message there. but not the parents. Everything you do with your own best interest in mind is the right thing to do right now; the only way you could do something wrong is to do it out of panic and worry for the ex partner. They can and will handle their problem, with professional help and their own resources.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:00 PM on January 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
No, they said their finances are separate, so none of this could have happened.
OP, please do not go to the parents of an adult of (apparently) considerable financial means who is in therapy, who is aware of their own problems, and who is able to be honest although not in what you might call a timely fashion. They are no longer your partner. You might have the moral right to tell their parents if you were still entangled with them, but not anymore. You may mean it as the most loving gesture in the world, but it will not appear that way to them. There's no question but that you should do what is best for you in terms of getting out, but you loved them and you're leaving anyway because you found out -- what do you think their parents, who may also love them, will do with the same information?
Do you want the parents to follow your lead, to teach the ex a lesson about losing everything? or do you trust that they can't possibly do that and will blindly support them no matter what? or do you want to do this so that the ex will be furious and will not take you back if you're afraid of forgiving them in a moment of weakness and going back? or do you feel guilty about leaving and you want the parents to take your place as guilty caretaker? None of these are good reasons.
they need help and the person with the best possible chance at providing it is their therapist. If you think they're lying to the therapist, I suppose you could leave a message there. but not the parents. Everything you do with your own best interest in mind is the right thing to do right now; the only way you could do something wrong is to do it out of panic and worry for the ex partner. They can and will handle their problem, with professional help and their own resources.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:00 PM on January 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
No, they said their finances are separate, so none of this could have happened.
I don't think you're being realistic about what a person with this magnitude of drug use could do financially to someone they are living with. I doubt OP keeps his/her credit cards locked up, for instance.
None of these are good reasons.
How about the parents not giving the partner money under the impression that it's for "a big furnace repair" or something?
A person who is lying to his partner about spending $30K on drugs is a person in a position where he will not have compunction about lying to his parents when his own funds run low. Really. This is not a situation of "my partner does a little more weed than I am comfortable with." This is "my partner is losing control of his life to hard drugs." There is very little you can be confident a person in that situation won't do.
posted by praemunire at 5:37 PM on January 1, 2017 [8 favorites]
I don't think you're being realistic about what a person with this magnitude of drug use could do financially to someone they are living with. I doubt OP keeps his/her credit cards locked up, for instance.
None of these are good reasons.
How about the parents not giving the partner money under the impression that it's for "a big furnace repair" or something?
A person who is lying to his partner about spending $30K on drugs is a person in a position where he will not have compunction about lying to his parents when his own funds run low. Really. This is not a situation of "my partner does a little more weed than I am comfortable with." This is "my partner is losing control of his life to hard drugs." There is very little you can be confident a person in that situation won't do.
posted by praemunire at 5:37 PM on January 1, 2017 [8 favorites]
You might have the moral right to tell their parents if you were still entangled with them, but not anymore
I strongly disagree with this. The OPs partner did something illegal and stupid and it's out there in the world. People can talk about it if they feel like it. If that happened to me I'd tell whoever I felt like telling and my ex could suck it if he didn't like it.
I would tell the parents. For starters, it's a miracle he didn't kill himself with that kind of use and they'd feel bad if they lent him money in the future and he did end up dead (that is a metric shit ton of drugs for one human to do in 2 months). And imho, no one just starts at that level on a whim, I think the OP's ex has a much more extensive drug history than they let on, which hiding things like this doesn't help with. Then they also almost certainly have party buddies and god alone knows what those people are like. His parents deserve fair warning.
OP, there is 100% certainty they will relapse. He already has, from his own words. Plus he's obviously way too good of a liar so you can't trust that you know what he's really been up to. You need to go and get an extensive STD panel done stat. And if you start to waver on taking this guy back think back to how you feel getting that test done. When I was volunteering at a women's clinic that seemed to really put things in perspective for a lot of women who's inclination and training was to always put the man's needs first. The reality of contracting something incurable from your partners drug buddies is pretty sobering.
posted by fshgrl at 7:00 PM on January 1, 2017 [5 favorites]
I strongly disagree with this. The OPs partner did something illegal and stupid and it's out there in the world. People can talk about it if they feel like it. If that happened to me I'd tell whoever I felt like telling and my ex could suck it if he didn't like it.
I would tell the parents. For starters, it's a miracle he didn't kill himself with that kind of use and they'd feel bad if they lent him money in the future and he did end up dead (that is a metric shit ton of drugs for one human to do in 2 months). And imho, no one just starts at that level on a whim, I think the OP's ex has a much more extensive drug history than they let on, which hiding things like this doesn't help with. Then they also almost certainly have party buddies and god alone knows what those people are like. His parents deserve fair warning.
OP, there is 100% certainty they will relapse. He already has, from his own words. Plus he's obviously way too good of a liar so you can't trust that you know what he's really been up to. You need to go and get an extensive STD panel done stat. And if you start to waver on taking this guy back think back to how you feel getting that test done. When I was volunteering at a women's clinic that seemed to really put things in perspective for a lot of women who's inclination and training was to always put the man's needs first. The reality of contracting something incurable from your partners drug buddies is pretty sobering.
posted by fshgrl at 7:00 PM on January 1, 2017 [5 favorites]
On the one hand, deep down inside you know this person has a serious problem that has taken control of their life to the point that you know that you can not trust them the way you would want to be able to trust you life partners. At the same time, you are minimizing what you know when you say things like, "They have not been doing drugs and their drinking has been fairly limited." Truth is that even on their days they are still drinking and still using cocaine (several "slips" recently).
I truly do not want them to go down that path again If wishing could make it so, this person would already be clean and sober. It is heartbreaking to wish so much that the ones you love could avoid suffering but you don't have that power. The breakup might be tough in the short term. Or it might be a wake up call. Or it might not make any difference in the trajectory of his illness. It all depends not on what you do but on how the other person reacts. Staying is not the way to prevent pain. Furthermore, you know that this relationship is not healthy for you (in a healthy relationship you can trust your partner). If not is not healthy for you, then by definition it is not a healthy relationship) and you are doing him no favor by keeping him in an unhealthy relationship to avoid feeling responsible for his actions if you leave.
Both parts can be true - you love him AND you need to end it. Tell yourself that you will always have love for him in your heart and you will always care about what happens to him but it is the right thing (right for you and, by extension right for him) that you and they can not and should not stay together.
Finally, check out Al-anon (or Nar-anon). If you don't like the first meeting you go to, try a few others. Each meeting has its own personality but if you find one that fits, you will find so much support for what you are going through and powerful, empowering new ways to think about what is happening. Good Luck!!
posted by metahawk at 7:11 PM on January 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
I truly do not want them to go down that path again If wishing could make it so, this person would already be clean and sober. It is heartbreaking to wish so much that the ones you love could avoid suffering but you don't have that power. The breakup might be tough in the short term. Or it might be a wake up call. Or it might not make any difference in the trajectory of his illness. It all depends not on what you do but on how the other person reacts. Staying is not the way to prevent pain. Furthermore, you know that this relationship is not healthy for you (in a healthy relationship you can trust your partner). If not is not healthy for you, then by definition it is not a healthy relationship) and you are doing him no favor by keeping him in an unhealthy relationship to avoid feeling responsible for his actions if you leave.
Both parts can be true - you love him AND you need to end it. Tell yourself that you will always have love for him in your heart and you will always care about what happens to him but it is the right thing (right for you and, by extension right for him) that you and they can not and should not stay together.
Finally, check out Al-anon (or Nar-anon). If you don't like the first meeting you go to, try a few others. Each meeting has its own personality but if you find one that fits, you will find so much support for what you are going through and powerful, empowering new ways to think about what is happening. Good Luck!!
posted by metahawk at 7:11 PM on January 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
This is going against the grain a bit, but, after nine years, I would seriously consider staying IF THE OTHER PARTY WAS WILLING TO COMMIT TO SOBRIETY AND SEEK TREATMENT FOR THAT and I had not been wronged, apart from the 'lie by omission,' by the other party. If there had been ANY violence or notable verbal abuse, just forget it.
I know a person with depression and a mix of other mental health issues, and alcoholism, who took half a year of 'stress leave' to blow through $90k on crack and booze -- and the associated expenses, which rack up pretty quickly -- heavy drug use lands you in skeevy situations and if you are not from Planet Skeeve cash is the one way to get you out of bad situations -- you do dumb shit like staying at hotels so you can hole up alone with you and the days' worth of drugs you've just bought -- you eat out/takeout when you eat -- you lose shit on benders and it needs replacing -- I would bet a not insubstantial amount of the $ went to: don't beat me up even though I'm an easy street-naive target, my coat got stolen at that dealer's place so now I need to go buy a new one, etc. Not to make any sort of excuse; I just watched this shit from a distance and got some idea of how that sort of thing goes down.
He could not refrain from regular drinking and occasional drug benders. He's unemployed (after a long white-collar career), he's lost pretty much everything, he hurt a lot of people very badly. I should be very angry with him given the multiple direct injuries -- physical, financial, emotional -- to me that came along with this idiot's wild ride here, but as he is totally immune to positive change and actively worked to hurt me/my kid (where he could have done nothing, and left us better off) and is still on that path -- he's just too pathetic a mammal for me to care about. I just can't bring myself to be angry or otherwise have any interest at all.
Which I mention because you still care about this person. Loads. You're wounded. "My beloved." Et cetera.
I don't know if this is the sad fall-out that any reasonable person would feel over the end of a relationship where the other party simply went off the rails without injuring them, or if it means you do not actually want to DTMFA.
You sure as hell sound like you deserve a break. Is there any way you can get away? Even briefly? On the cheap? Once, I realised I needed a vacation after the above-mentioned nonsense, and simply asked on Facebook "Do you have a cottage? If I can use it for a week I will leave it cleaner than it was and I will stock the freezer with first-rate goodies." So, off we were to a nice four-season chalet, much relieved. Get away, feel sorry for yourself, take care of yourself, and try to hammer out if what you really want to do is separate, and hope he can pull back together, or if the damage is too great and you have to leave. Depressed people can do terrible things; if this was a lovely stable partner with few meaningful flaws prior to the depression and stupid attempts to cope, I think I would be able to trust again, once things had recovered.
(Bias: I lost several years to a somewhat inexplicable, all-consuming, suicidal depression. I did figure out about booze, but somehow I did not really twig on to drugs, at least not anything hard, and pot wasn't of interest. Had somebody introduced me to heroin at that point in my life, I kinda think I would have been at very high risk for "There's this drug I can take that will, here and there, alleviate my depression? OMG, can I at least feel numb? Please, I need to devote my life to smack now, and thank you.")
I would not stay "and help" -- I would provide limited and distant emotional support; it is totally up to the other party to do the heavy lifting here. And unwillingness to sober up would just be a big "Yeah, sorry, still far too mired in my problems for this -- us -- to continue" message. Tread with GREAT caution, but for some reason your story makes me think there might be a way through this for both of you.
Don't tell his parents. The only reasons I would do that: you discovered him lying/stealing to them to get money for drugs. Or: after a period of contemplation, and forward motion on his part, he gives you permission to tell them, ideally as part of a process where you are telling everyone you damn well please so you can shore up your support system. Obviously you can and should tell every single friend/relative of yours that you please. You will probably be surprised by how common some variation on this saga is. The support and lifting of the sense of isolation will be a relief.
(I looked at Al-Anon discussion groups on-line; I had no way to get to a meeting at the time. I was totally horrified; it was a big steaming pile of "Accept what you can't change!" to people going through all manner of abuse and crazy. "Joan, you're stuck without diapers, again, because your DH totalled the car, again? Still in jail and you're scared of what'll go down when he gets out. That's really awful," and then, where you would expect to see "DTMFA," was "Serenity prayer!" and a whole lot of mutual hand-holding for making crazy a routine part of your life. I was told "all groups are different" and "IRL groups are different from on-line," but, while counselling would be good if you can swing it, I'm really dubious about Al-Anon.)
posted by kmennie at 11:33 PM on January 1, 2017 [4 favorites]
I know a person with depression and a mix of other mental health issues, and alcoholism, who took half a year of 'stress leave' to blow through $90k on crack and booze -- and the associated expenses, which rack up pretty quickly -- heavy drug use lands you in skeevy situations and if you are not from Planet Skeeve cash is the one way to get you out of bad situations -- you do dumb shit like staying at hotels so you can hole up alone with you and the days' worth of drugs you've just bought -- you eat out/takeout when you eat -- you lose shit on benders and it needs replacing -- I would bet a not insubstantial amount of the $ went to: don't beat me up even though I'm an easy street-naive target, my coat got stolen at that dealer's place so now I need to go buy a new one, etc. Not to make any sort of excuse; I just watched this shit from a distance and got some idea of how that sort of thing goes down.
He could not refrain from regular drinking and occasional drug benders. He's unemployed (after a long white-collar career), he's lost pretty much everything, he hurt a lot of people very badly. I should be very angry with him given the multiple direct injuries -- physical, financial, emotional -- to me that came along with this idiot's wild ride here, but as he is totally immune to positive change and actively worked to hurt me/my kid (where he could have done nothing, and left us better off) and is still on that path -- he's just too pathetic a mammal for me to care about. I just can't bring myself to be angry or otherwise have any interest at all.
Which I mention because you still care about this person. Loads. You're wounded. "My beloved." Et cetera.
I don't know if this is the sad fall-out that any reasonable person would feel over the end of a relationship where the other party simply went off the rails without injuring them, or if it means you do not actually want to DTMFA.
You sure as hell sound like you deserve a break. Is there any way you can get away? Even briefly? On the cheap? Once, I realised I needed a vacation after the above-mentioned nonsense, and simply asked on Facebook "Do you have a cottage? If I can use it for a week I will leave it cleaner than it was and I will stock the freezer with first-rate goodies." So, off we were to a nice four-season chalet, much relieved. Get away, feel sorry for yourself, take care of yourself, and try to hammer out if what you really want to do is separate, and hope he can pull back together, or if the damage is too great and you have to leave. Depressed people can do terrible things; if this was a lovely stable partner with few meaningful flaws prior to the depression and stupid attempts to cope, I think I would be able to trust again, once things had recovered.
(Bias: I lost several years to a somewhat inexplicable, all-consuming, suicidal depression. I did figure out about booze, but somehow I did not really twig on to drugs, at least not anything hard, and pot wasn't of interest. Had somebody introduced me to heroin at that point in my life, I kinda think I would have been at very high risk for "There's this drug I can take that will, here and there, alleviate my depression? OMG, can I at least feel numb? Please, I need to devote my life to smack now, and thank you.")
I would not stay "and help" -- I would provide limited and distant emotional support; it is totally up to the other party to do the heavy lifting here. And unwillingness to sober up would just be a big "Yeah, sorry, still far too mired in my problems for this -- us -- to continue" message. Tread with GREAT caution, but for some reason your story makes me think there might be a way through this for both of you.
Don't tell his parents. The only reasons I would do that: you discovered him lying/stealing to them to get money for drugs. Or: after a period of contemplation, and forward motion on his part, he gives you permission to tell them, ideally as part of a process where you are telling everyone you damn well please so you can shore up your support system. Obviously you can and should tell every single friend/relative of yours that you please. You will probably be surprised by how common some variation on this saga is. The support and lifting of the sense of isolation will be a relief.
(I looked at Al-Anon discussion groups on-line; I had no way to get to a meeting at the time. I was totally horrified; it was a big steaming pile of "Accept what you can't change!" to people going through all manner of abuse and crazy. "Joan, you're stuck without diapers, again, because your DH totalled the car, again? Still in jail and you're scared of what'll go down when he gets out. That's really awful," and then, where you would expect to see "DTMFA," was "Serenity prayer!" and a whole lot of mutual hand-holding for making crazy a routine part of your life. I was told "all groups are different" and "IRL groups are different from on-line," but, while counselling would be good if you can swing it, I'm really dubious about Al-Anon.)
posted by kmennie at 11:33 PM on January 1, 2017 [4 favorites]
The thing about telling parents is: what if they don't give a shit? Or, what if they give a shit but are too concerned with keeping up appearances to actually do anything? What if they don't respond in the way OP wants them to?
When I lived with an addict (my parent) and I tried to reach out to their parents (my grandparents) absolutely nothing happened — and as I was still a minor MY OWN WELL-BEING WAS AT RISK AND STILL THEY DID NOTHING. As someone else mentioned, a $30K drug habit does not manifest suddenly, so it's also likely the parents already know something about this and have already decided to ignore it/pretend like it doesn't exist/sweep it under the rung.
At any rate, no one can help this person except for themselves — not OP, not the addict's parents, no one.
posted by Brittanie at 9:38 AM on January 2, 2017
When I lived with an addict (my parent) and I tried to reach out to their parents (my grandparents) absolutely nothing happened — and as I was still a minor MY OWN WELL-BEING WAS AT RISK AND STILL THEY DID NOTHING. As someone else mentioned, a $30K drug habit does not manifest suddenly, so it's also likely the parents already know something about this and have already decided to ignore it/pretend like it doesn't exist/sweep it under the rung.
At any rate, no one can help this person except for themselves — not OP, not the addict's parents, no one.
posted by Brittanie at 9:38 AM on January 2, 2017
I would advocate telling the parents to protect and aid the parents. Not the drug-user.
posted by fshgrl at 12:23 PM on January 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by fshgrl at 12:23 PM on January 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
Having thought about this a bit, I think my takeaway would be "Do not leave partner alone for months a time. They don't deal well with being alone."
I don't deal well with being alone. I got custody of the kids in the divorce and they choose to still live with me as adults because it benefits them. But I would likely be engaging in lots of questionable behavior if I were alone. I just don't cope well with that.
I think you can potentially work this out if you can get past your initial strong reaction to the information. I don't feel your partner hid anything from you. Your finances are separate and you were abroad. It would have taken concerted effort to keep you in the loop. It took nothing but happenstance for you to not know.
I think you are overreacting, possibly to simply the size of the number. If your partner has substantially more money than you, this overreaction may be due in part to it looking like a bigger number to you than it does to them.
I have had foreign friends express shock at how spacious and luxurious my cramped SF Bay Area apartment was because the norms in their country were just different from American norms. Context matters. It may be a heart stopping amount of money for you, but if it isn't for them, then I see no reason to frame this in dire terms.
Best.
posted by Michele in California at 2:34 PM on January 2, 2017
I don't deal well with being alone. I got custody of the kids in the divorce and they choose to still live with me as adults because it benefits them. But I would likely be engaging in lots of questionable behavior if I were alone. I just don't cope well with that.
I think you can potentially work this out if you can get past your initial strong reaction to the information. I don't feel your partner hid anything from you. Your finances are separate and you were abroad. It would have taken concerted effort to keep you in the loop. It took nothing but happenstance for you to not know.
I think you are overreacting, possibly to simply the size of the number. If your partner has substantially more money than you, this overreaction may be due in part to it looking like a bigger number to you than it does to them.
I have had foreign friends express shock at how spacious and luxurious my cramped SF Bay Area apartment was because the norms in their country were just different from American norms. Context matters. It may be a heart stopping amount of money for you, but if it isn't for them, then I see no reason to frame this in dire terms.
Best.
posted by Michele in California at 2:34 PM on January 2, 2017
Mod note: From the OP:
I just want to thank everyone for all of their wonderful and thoughtful responses. I read through all of them multiple times. Here's an update for those who are wondering:posted by taz (staff) at 1:10 AM on January 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
I talked to my expartner and we both agreed that it's best we break up, but we are still going to remain good friends once the feelings settle. I absolutely do not want to abandon them when they clearly need an extended support system and, quite obviously, I care about them deeply. A relationship simply won't work at this moment because I don't think I can live with the fear of more drug use, and I don't think that they can focus on themselves and their treatment fully under an environment of suspicion and distrust on my part. Some distance, in the form of friendship, is for the best in this case.
For those who were thinking that my partner was of much greater means than I: nope. We are both poor grad students and $30k was a truly shocking number. My partner took out some loans somehow to get that money, which means they bankrupted themselves and then some. I have no means to support us both even if we were to continue in the relationship. The reason I am concerned about housing is because we live in a city built for couples - 1 bedroom apartments are manageable split between two, but it is incredibly hard to find even studios or places with roommates that aren't substantially more.
@Michele in California - yes, while it would have been difficult to keep me in the loop while I was away, they also lied me to consistently for 8 months afterward about everything. Not just by omission, but clear lies about where they were going during slips or blaming their crazy sinus issues on all sorts of reasons that I should have seen through. I completely understand why they would lie - who would want to tell their partner of 9 years that they've blown all of their cash on a drug binge in two months - but it's also difficult to handle and I don't think that I can overcome my distrust in the near future. I completely understand the inclination to self-medicate in moments of desperation, which is why I will still remain a friend and support for them without anger, but it's just not sustainable nor healthy for us to remain in the same situation as before. Now my concern is helping both them and I with long-term health in mind.
They actually told their parents right after confessing to me, so at least that is resolved. They are staying with their parents until they get back on their feet. I hope that the parents can be the support that is needed and not enable but at this point there's nothing much more I can do but be a good and supportive friend to them.
Thank you all so much again. I am still incredibly sad but I do see light somewhere in the distance for both of us.
I'm glad to read your follow-up. I would recommend that you do the following:
- get a complete STD panel screening. Drug use alone would prompt me for HIV screening, and the lying would have me go for the rest.
- do a credit check on yourself and monitor it closely. After 9 years, he has had enough access to you (credit cards, social security number) to make me worried. I believe there is some way to notify yourself if new activity occurs.
- what is your housing situation? Are you both on a lease? Is it month-to-month? I assume you are living together in an apartment that is too expensive for just yourself, which is why you are looking for a new place. Has he moved all of his stuff out? Does he still have keys? Do you pay rent separately? Figure out what you will be on the hook for and what he may owe you (or vice versa)
- If he does still have keys to your place or if your locks haven't been changed yet, remove all of your valuables (credit cards, passport, jewelry, electronics) and store them elsewhere. Remember, he could have made copies of his keys even if he has returned the originals.
This is not to say that he is going to steal from you or that he's been sleeping around - it's that you need to deal with the worst case scenario or else you may be seriously affected.
posted by amicamentis at 9:34 AM on January 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
- get a complete STD panel screening. Drug use alone would prompt me for HIV screening, and the lying would have me go for the rest.
- do a credit check on yourself and monitor it closely. After 9 years, he has had enough access to you (credit cards, social security number) to make me worried. I believe there is some way to notify yourself if new activity occurs.
- what is your housing situation? Are you both on a lease? Is it month-to-month? I assume you are living together in an apartment that is too expensive for just yourself, which is why you are looking for a new place. Has he moved all of his stuff out? Does he still have keys? Do you pay rent separately? Figure out what you will be on the hook for and what he may owe you (or vice versa)
- If he does still have keys to your place or if your locks haven't been changed yet, remove all of your valuables (credit cards, passport, jewelry, electronics) and store them elsewhere. Remember, he could have made copies of his keys even if he has returned the originals.
This is not to say that he is going to steal from you or that he's been sleeping around - it's that you need to deal with the worst case scenario or else you may be seriously affected.
posted by amicamentis at 9:34 AM on January 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
Don't just get a credit check, freeze your credit. That phrase "loans he got somehow" makes the hair on my neck stand up. And definitely get that STD screening. It's nice that you still care about this guy but it's time to start thinking about yourself.
posted by fshgrl at 8:47 AM on January 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by fshgrl at 8:47 AM on January 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You breaking up with them is to protect you, first and foremost, so you need to find new housing, despite the poor choices in the area.
posted by TheAdamist at 6:23 AM on January 1, 2017 [28 favorites]