Help me date in 2017
December 31, 2016 3:06 AM Subscribe
I've been single for almost 18 months now and I'd really like to work towards finding a decent relationship sometime in the near future. Offer me some advice that will help me get there?
I am a straight woman in her late 20s. I've had a couple of relationships which lasted for around 18 months each, but neither was very successful. One of my exes was emotionally abusive, the other was a good person but we were not a good match.
I've tried dating a few people since my most recent relationship ended, but it's been a series of disappointments. Things that seemed promising fizzled out, guys who seemed great wanted to keep it casual, guys who wanted to date me were in complicated situations (and I just didn't feel an attraction there, anyway).
I met my previous partners on OKCupid, but that was several years ago now and I feel like maybe it's not a good fit for me anymore. I tried Tinder briefly but didn't manage to even get a date out of that. I suppose I could be open to Bumble or another dating app.
The rest of my life is falling into place for the most part - I got myself a better job and am steadily working towards my financial goals, I have a couple of close friends, I took up dance classes which keep me sane. My life is definitely a lot better than it was 18 months ago.
But I would like to be in a position where I can find a companion. How do I continue to work on myself? How am I going to meet someone when online dating wasn't really working anymore?
I am a straight woman in her late 20s. I've had a couple of relationships which lasted for around 18 months each, but neither was very successful. One of my exes was emotionally abusive, the other was a good person but we were not a good match.
I've tried dating a few people since my most recent relationship ended, but it's been a series of disappointments. Things that seemed promising fizzled out, guys who seemed great wanted to keep it casual, guys who wanted to date me were in complicated situations (and I just didn't feel an attraction there, anyway).
I met my previous partners on OKCupid, but that was several years ago now and I feel like maybe it's not a good fit for me anymore. I tried Tinder briefly but didn't manage to even get a date out of that. I suppose I could be open to Bumble or another dating app.
The rest of my life is falling into place for the most part - I got myself a better job and am steadily working towards my financial goals, I have a couple of close friends, I took up dance classes which keep me sane. My life is definitely a lot better than it was 18 months ago.
But I would like to be in a position where I can find a companion. How do I continue to work on myself? How am I going to meet someone when online dating wasn't really working anymore?
Best answer: You might also be interested in Amy Webb's TED Talk
posted by bunderful at 4:35 AM on December 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by bunderful at 4:35 AM on December 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
Best answer: For me it's been helpful to remember that I don't actually control whether or not I meet someone on my schedule. All I can do is continue to work on myself and my life, as I would anyway, and continue to meet people and be...open to meeting people. At some point there's some relief in just putting your head down and not worrying about the part you can't control.
So I keep going on first dates, and I try not to think much beyond that, because no good comes of it. If it's a numbers game, it's a numbers game--you just have to keep meeting people.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:22 AM on December 31, 2016 [12 favorites]
So I keep going on first dates, and I try not to think much beyond that, because no good comes of it. If it's a numbers game, it's a numbers game--you just have to keep meeting people.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:22 AM on December 31, 2016 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Oh, and also that like...I mean, I know it's an infuriating cliche, but I have found that accepting the idea that I maybe won't find someone has helped me actually be more open to people. I don't need them to be someone they're maybe not (right for me in the ways I'm already aware of), so it's easier to accept them and see them for who they really are. So a first date that doesn't lead to a second date is still an opportunity to meet and see another human, and that is also pretty cool.
I date women, though, so I'm able to be a bit more relaxed about it than if I was still dating dudes. Ymmv.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:27 AM on December 31, 2016 [7 favorites]
I date women, though, so I'm able to be a bit more relaxed about it than if I was still dating dudes. Ymmv.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:27 AM on December 31, 2016 [7 favorites]
Best answer: But I would like to be in a position where I can find a companion.
You are! It sounds like you are getting out there in the world. You're not hiding out and complaining - you're out there doing stuff. Which is exactly how you meet someone offline.
How do I continue to work on myself?
Just keep doing what you're doing. Dating and self-care aren't mutually exclusive. The more you keep yourself out there in the world, the more you're putting out good energy, the more likely you are to meet someone because you're happy, bright, fulfilled, positive - all the traits that make you attractive as a partner. Don't stop what you're doing because you want to date. For me what helped is thinking of finding a partner not in terms of meeting a goal, but as the result of creating and maintaining the kind of life that attracts someone to want to be in my life. Loneliness is always there on some level, but it's harder to be lonely when you're fulfilling your life in all the ways you can.
How am I going to meet someone when online dating wasn't really working anymore?
Well, I think of it this way - what did people do before online dating? They went to bars and clubs to meet someone, and they still had a hard time meeting people. Bars and clubs aren't different from online dating in the sense that 1.) you don't really know who you're talking to and 2.) you'll probably end up disappointed more often than not. So, anywhere you go (whether online or offline), if everyone's objective is simply to meet someone to date, it's not a good place to start because you're throwing yourself in a pool with a million other people, with no filter in terms of personal interests - as you've found, it's purely a numbers game. Sites like OKCupid and eHarmony or Match may try to match by interests and personality traits, but still - your mind fills in the blanks while you're emailing this person back and forth, and the person you meet is usually not the same person you had in your head. This is why online dating is so disappointing - it's because you have to do so much mental work to separate who you want the person to be versus who they really are. The more communication you have going back and forth before you meet in person, the harder it is to separate.
Compare that with, say, volunteering, for example - where you may meet less people than in a bar or online, but you're both starting off with meeting in person, at least one common interest and a greater likelihood of common personality traits. I think the second approach would be more fulfilling from a personal standpoint because you're doing something good for the world, with the added benefit of possibly meeting someone to date. If you volunteer and never meet someone, at least you've spent your time doing something good rather than online or in a bar with the sole objective of looking for someone to date, and night after night ending up disappointed.
I have nothing against bars or online dating - I'm just making the point that when dating is your sole objective, you'll end up disappointed. Because the bar/online dating scene is completely disappointing and a waste of time.... until you've met someone and it isn't.
After years of struggling with exactly what you're talking about, I just quit dating and only kept up doing stuff that I wanted to do, for me, without the added pressure on myself of meeting someone. I met my husband very soon after that, volunteering for a local environmental organization. If our paths had never crossed, if nothing else we would have spent our time doing something that we both enjoyed and left happy and fulfilled rather than expecting X and feeling like we came up short.
Good luck!
posted by onecircleaday at 8:10 AM on December 31, 2016 [7 favorites]
You are! It sounds like you are getting out there in the world. You're not hiding out and complaining - you're out there doing stuff. Which is exactly how you meet someone offline.
How do I continue to work on myself?
Just keep doing what you're doing. Dating and self-care aren't mutually exclusive. The more you keep yourself out there in the world, the more you're putting out good energy, the more likely you are to meet someone because you're happy, bright, fulfilled, positive - all the traits that make you attractive as a partner. Don't stop what you're doing because you want to date. For me what helped is thinking of finding a partner not in terms of meeting a goal, but as the result of creating and maintaining the kind of life that attracts someone to want to be in my life. Loneliness is always there on some level, but it's harder to be lonely when you're fulfilling your life in all the ways you can.
How am I going to meet someone when online dating wasn't really working anymore?
Well, I think of it this way - what did people do before online dating? They went to bars and clubs to meet someone, and they still had a hard time meeting people. Bars and clubs aren't different from online dating in the sense that 1.) you don't really know who you're talking to and 2.) you'll probably end up disappointed more often than not. So, anywhere you go (whether online or offline), if everyone's objective is simply to meet someone to date, it's not a good place to start because you're throwing yourself in a pool with a million other people, with no filter in terms of personal interests - as you've found, it's purely a numbers game. Sites like OKCupid and eHarmony or Match may try to match by interests and personality traits, but still - your mind fills in the blanks while you're emailing this person back and forth, and the person you meet is usually not the same person you had in your head. This is why online dating is so disappointing - it's because you have to do so much mental work to separate who you want the person to be versus who they really are. The more communication you have going back and forth before you meet in person, the harder it is to separate.
Compare that with, say, volunteering, for example - where you may meet less people than in a bar or online, but you're both starting off with meeting in person, at least one common interest and a greater likelihood of common personality traits. I think the second approach would be more fulfilling from a personal standpoint because you're doing something good for the world, with the added benefit of possibly meeting someone to date. If you volunteer and never meet someone, at least you've spent your time doing something good rather than online or in a bar with the sole objective of looking for someone to date, and night after night ending up disappointed.
I have nothing against bars or online dating - I'm just making the point that when dating is your sole objective, you'll end up disappointed. Because the bar/online dating scene is completely disappointing and a waste of time.... until you've met someone and it isn't.
After years of struggling with exactly what you're talking about, I just quit dating and only kept up doing stuff that I wanted to do, for me, without the added pressure on myself of meeting someone. I met my husband very soon after that, volunteering for a local environmental organization. If our paths had never crossed, if nothing else we would have spent our time doing something that we both enjoyed and left happy and fulfilled rather than expecting X and feeling like we came up short.
Good luck!
posted by onecircleaday at 8:10 AM on December 31, 2016 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Seems like you are a focused person and nothing here suggests the need to work on yourself. You're doing great! I would encourage you to keep using online dating. Try multiple sites, okcupid cupid, tinder, match, plenty of fish, etc. It's a numbers game. Finding "the one" is hard no matter where you're trying to meet someone. Online dating at least puts you with a pool of people all looking.
posted by ljs30 at 8:19 AM on December 31, 2016
posted by ljs30 at 8:19 AM on December 31, 2016
Best answer: I have been online dating on and off for two years, I am an early 30's woman. I have experienced swings in terms of who I connect with/who I am interested in on these sites/apps that have nothing to do with who I really am. And definitely go on whatever the most popular app is, try bumble, there will be more people in your demographic on there for sure.
I agree if you have time to join a club or organization that is good to do as well, but where I live it seems like most single people are online as well as living their life so it's not a bad idea to stick with even when it's disappointing, just put your best photos up, be honest about what you're looking for, if you're doing cool stuff in real life definitely mention it, and try not to judge the whole thing so much.
posted by lafemma at 9:00 AM on December 31, 2016
I agree if you have time to join a club or organization that is good to do as well, but where I live it seems like most single people are online as well as living their life so it's not a bad idea to stick with even when it's disappointing, just put your best photos up, be honest about what you're looking for, if you're doing cool stuff in real life definitely mention it, and try not to judge the whole thing so much.
posted by lafemma at 9:00 AM on December 31, 2016
Best answer: For me, the two most important things to keep in mind are:
First, dating isn't a way to prove you're right for each other, rather, it is a way to find out whether you're right for each other. It's a fact finding mission. If you find yourself thinking you've found your soulmate but you've only known the person a few weeks, remind yourself that you still don't know them well enough to know one way or the other. Cultivate "don't know" mind and try to refrain from the mindset that you have to make a relationship work merely because it seemed really great at the beginning.
Second, and most important: everything ends. Every relationship you have will end until the one that doesn't, and then that one will end too, perhaps decades later, perhaps with death, but it too will end. So, bearing that in mind, take each moment for what it is, without trying to impose any agenda on it or any name to it. This lifts a great burden and alleviates anxiety, and accordingly creates an environment in which live can flourish.
posted by janey47 at 9:18 AM on December 31, 2016 [13 favorites]
First, dating isn't a way to prove you're right for each other, rather, it is a way to find out whether you're right for each other. It's a fact finding mission. If you find yourself thinking you've found your soulmate but you've only known the person a few weeks, remind yourself that you still don't know them well enough to know one way or the other. Cultivate "don't know" mind and try to refrain from the mindset that you have to make a relationship work merely because it seemed really great at the beginning.
Second, and most important: everything ends. Every relationship you have will end until the one that doesn't, and then that one will end too, perhaps decades later, perhaps with death, but it too will end. So, bearing that in mind, take each moment for what it is, without trying to impose any agenda on it or any name to it. This lifts a great burden and alleviates anxiety, and accordingly creates an environment in which live can flourish.
posted by janey47 at 9:18 AM on December 31, 2016 [13 favorites]
*love.
Goddammit I should just stop posting from my phone.
posted by janey47 at 10:38 AM on December 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
Goddammit I should just stop posting from my phone.
posted by janey47 at 10:38 AM on December 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
idk that advice helps for living too
posted by schadenfrau at 11:52 AM on December 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by schadenfrau at 11:52 AM on December 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for the input. I marked everything as "best answer" because all of these comments have been helpful. I feel a bit more prepared to keep my chin up and put myself out there again.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:46 AM on January 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:46 AM on January 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
There have been periods of time where online dating just didn't seem to be working for me, and others where the exact same site got me in touch with several people I was interested in. Even when online dating works well for me, it's full of disappointments and I have to pick myself up and keep trying.
Some people do very well with meeting people through their social circles, so that's something to consider.
As far as working on yourself, I think it depends on what you want to work on. There's therapy, volunteering, tons of books on relationships and self-improvement, spiritual practices such as meditation, and hobbies - if you think of building skills and developing interests as self-work.
posted by bunderful at 4:32 AM on December 31, 2016 [2 favorites]