Finding a partner - Seattle or the Bay Area?

January 10, 2006 3:46 PM

City of Love Filter: I'm tired of being alone. Will this be easier to fix in Seattle or the Bay Area?

I'm male, 44, heterosexual. I've worked in software for 20 years. For the past several years I've been alone - no relationships, no serious dating. And I'm tired of it.

I'm currently between jobs, so before I take my next one, I'm thinking of leaving the Seattle area to move down to the Bay Area. I'm hoping that in the Bay Area, I'll have a better chance of finding somebody.

This is predicated on the idea that the Bay Area will have a larger number of women 30-45, and that the Bay Area will have better support systems for helping me find a partner (I'm ready to use networking groups, dating services, etc).

Is it likely the Bay Area will give me a better chance at finding somebody, or is this just a fantasy?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total)

Your problems will follow you wherever you go. If you're not taking advantage of opporitunities in Seattle, you won't in SF either. Maybe you'll get lucky and use it as inspiration to start using your social network but you could have done it in Seattle anyway. There are no magic fairies here that sneak in while you sleep and deposit friends on your couch for easy social cartoon viewing in the morning.
posted by kcm at 3:56 PM on January 10, 2006

Seconding the notion of staying in Seattle and focusing on what really ails ya', whatever that may be. I think qualitatively, Seattle would be better for you, but that's not really the point here.
posted by frogan at 3:59 PM on January 10, 2006

I'm with the rest of them. My sister's problems followed her from Portland to San Fran, so yours should too.

I, on the other hand, have a great social life and network in Portland ... and am dating someone who lives in Austin, TX.
posted by SpecialK at 4:07 PM on January 10, 2006

Having lived in both places I can honestly tell you that Seattle was the loneliest place I've ever been. The people are cold as the constant rain. In San Francisco, I found the warmest most friendly people on the planet. If you go, stick with the city. There's nothing worse than being stuck in San Leandro or some other sleepy burb. The city is where it's at (if you can afford it). You'll be amazed at the circle of friends you'll have after the first year.


(kcm has a point...no matter where you go, there you are)

Good luck!
posted by Bighappyfunhouse at 4:14 PM on January 10, 2006

I'll be the contrarian.

Move.

Get out of Seattle, be the person that you always wanted to be - without the confines of the momentum that you are currently in.

You are in a rut, you probably 'know' what you need to do, but doing this in Seattle is likely unappetizing. If you lived there for the last 20 years and you have been unhappy for the last several, then it's time for a change.

Move to SF, and start looking around - for a new job, new friends, new things to do, and new people to do these activities with. And, before you know it, you might be in a relationship (or few).

You can safely shed the skin that binds you in a new locale. It won't be easy, it won't be all wine and roses - but certainly better than the rut that you are currently in.

Go for it!
posted by seawallrunner at 4:15 PM on January 10, 2006

For what it's worth (I was in Berkeley yesterday), the job market for IS folks is definitely heating up in the SF Bay area again. (It's taken five years for the the "overhang" of all the laid-off folks to dissipate.)

Of course there are other things in life to consider: weather (plus: SF), affordable housing (plus: Seattle), culture (plus: SF). In any case, if you have little to lose, why not move? At worse, you'll move back, and appreciate Seattle more. In any case, if you move, you won't have regrets or wonder what would have happened.
posted by WestCoaster at 4:23 PM on January 10, 2006

I agree with seawallrunner: there's nothing wrong with leaving a city for a fresh start -- if you feel kind of "done" with Seattle (not just because of lack of dating but for other reasons, too), then why not try a new city? As long as you're clear -- which you definitely seem to be -- that it's not the new city itself that will just magically "provide" you with a relationship; you have to approach a new setting with new strategies (like online dating, activity groups, etc.) to meet people.

If you're not absolutely set on the Bay Area, though (and can cope with damn cold winters and damn hot & humid summers), I'd recommend considering Chicago -- people-wise, it's hands-down the friendliest big city I've ever been in. It also boasts a terrific local music and art scene, insanely great (and numerous) restaurants and bars, and is miles more affordable than the Bay.

damn I really miss Chi-town sometimes... *sniff*
posted by scody at 4:25 PM on January 10, 2006 [1 favorite]

One of my friends recently got back from NYE in Chicago, spent at some high-end club. His first comment on his trip was how much approachable girls were in Chicago over here in Seattle. There are differences between cities, in terms of social scenes.
posted by nomisxid at 4:35 PM on January 10, 2006

/me throws a grenade and runs away

I've never, ever understood the fascination with and the implied cultural superiority of San Francisco. You'd think it was heaven on earth. I found it to be visually ugly, cramped, impossibly expensive and culturally elitist, as if everyone there was absolutely convinced of their own intelligence at having found the greatest city on earth, and woe to all others who are not so lucky.

If San Francisco truly is better culturally, great. Different strokes, I suppose. YMMV.

As for Seattle being lonely, I'm sorry, I just don't see it. I found Seattle to be incredibly friendly. Again, different strokes...
posted by frogan at 4:36 PM on January 10, 2006

Guys, dolls - I don't think he's looking for a "yay my city" thing.

He appears to be asking if SF has a better infrastructure for getting what he wants (although, he also appears to be asking if he's just running away from his problems).

Is he right? Does SF have more single women in the range he's specified? Are there a lot of dating services or assistance? Admittedly, I'm interested too.
posted by Dunwitty at 4:55 PM on January 10, 2006

I think at your (our) age, you might consider that moving to a smaller town would give you more social exposure, making it easier to meet people. I live in Seattle and have found it impossible outside of work to find any meaningful way of relating to so many people, none of whom are in anyway motivated to make sense of me.
posted by macinchik at 5:25 PM on January 10, 2006

Here are some Census 2000 stats on both cities:
San Francisco and Seattle. When I lived in the bay area, the complaint of some men was that tech jobs had lured so many other males to the area that there was an imbalance between the sexes. But if that's still true, I think it would apply more to the peninsula (Silicon Valley) than to San Francisco itself--and the difference should be miniscule.

I'm all for making changes and fresh starts. You only live once, so why not have an adventure if you're not tied down? I will echo other people's advice, however, and say that a move anywhere will not be a cure-all for your dating life. All of these places are what you make of them. You will have to make a concerted effort to get involved and meet people. Maybe that will be easier in a new place where you feel rejuvenated. And San Francisco is damned beautiful.

scody, I must agree with you--Chicago is the best.
posted by lilybeane at 5:30 PM on January 10, 2006

Census numbers may not tell the whole story -- there are so many gay men in SF that it significantly cuts down the ratios of available men (assuming you're looking for a heterosexual relationship).

I don't know Seattle, but one of the main reasons I moved to SF was that I looked around Washington DC and thought "If my boyfriend and I ever break up, I can't imagine even making FRIENDS with any of these people, let alone DATING them." There were great social networks there, I just wasn't interested in any of them.

In SF, I feel like I finally have a real community. And I do think people are pretty open to others. Again, I can't compare it with Seattle, though.
posted by occhiblu at 6:45 PM on January 10, 2006

Psst, occhiblu, Anonymous is a straight man.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:49 PM on January 10, 2006 [1 favorite]

(Yeah, sorry, I know that, I just got tangled halfway into that sentence and couldn't find a graceful way out. Just meant that the census numbers don't reflect the ratio of STRAIGHT men to STRAIGHT women.)
posted by occhiblu at 7:20 PM on January 10, 2006

Speaking as a lifelong Seattleite...we're awful. Or at least, so I hear. It's hard to make friends here, and dating is even harder. Almost everyone I know is single and can't find a date (and they don't "match up" in their male/female/straight/gay interests or I'd be matchmaking like mad). They all can't seem to meet people, or have given up. I'm married, and if I were single, I'd move. Sorry. :)
posted by TochterAusElysium at 8:22 PM on January 10, 2006

I've lived in many cities and Seattle was absolutely the worst for straight dating. I still don't understand it.

If I were you I would move to San Francisco but consider Los Angeles part of your circle. It's not too far to go to meet someone and the pool is tremendous.
posted by 9000.68 at 9:51 PM on January 10, 2006

I think that you should seperate "San Francisco" from "Bay Area" in many instances. I've found San Francisco to be like frogan mentioned. For example, San Jose is "Bay Area" as well, but has a reputation of being unfriendly for single men. This may have changed since the end of the Dot Com Boom, but I remember it as being "Not that many available single women, so they have their pick of the litter." (ain't that always the case?)

I lived in Seattle for a couple years and had *MUCH* better luck with women up *there* rather in here in the Bay Area.

Your mileage may vary. Since you're a software geek, it might be just as hard down here. I hate to say it, but the vast majority of women just don't find software geeks attractive. (Sure, some do, but the overwhelming majority don't. At least that's been my experience.)

Maybe it's not *where* you're looking for women, but *what kind* of women you're looking for. I'd start there first.

And sign up at okcupid.com - I met my wonder geek-friendly girlfriend there. :-)
posted by drstein at 9:56 PM on January 10, 2006

Yes...by all means, move. As a native (and one with lots of friends) I keep hearing this complaint over and over...yet there are tons of women in the 40+ range on Craigslist and all the other dating sites. I know, I've met some cool women on them.

I don't know what kind of guy you are, but there is almost always something cool going on around here. But you gotta make an effort and take some chances.

However, if you think you'd be happier somewhere else, then go. At least you'll have the distractions of finding a new place to live, work...where to eat, etc.

Either way, I wish you the best of luck!
posted by black8 at 10:09 PM on January 10, 2006

grass is always greener, but FWIW, i spent the most lonely, single years of my life in SF.

however, that MAY have been because I was "too young" there. Most people who can afford to live in san francisco are established career-wise, so we're looking at 30+ (right in your range).

All i know is i went through a two or three year relationship/dating dry spell when I was in sf, and ended up dating much more prolifically when i moved to sacramento (admittedly a city where there are more mid-twenties single people).

thinking that moving somewhere will fix the problem indicates to me that you're getting to the point of desperation, which isn't particularly attractive (i only bring this up because I feel like I've been there -- and I, again, think you're suffering from "the grass is greener" syndrome). You might want to focus on why you're having trouble meeting satisfactory folks where you live before you up and move (although I won't discourage you from moving to the bay aera, which is fuckin' awesome).
posted by fishfucker at 10:56 PM on January 10, 2006

Moving to a new town always gives me a huge charge of energy and enthusiasm to forge new friendships. Moving is a perfect opportunity to redefine what sort of social circle you want to have, which is next to impossible to do when you've built a ton of inertia with your existing friends/hangouts/habits. It sounds like you'd have a blast getting to know San Fran and the people there. Move for that reason, not for the sole purpose of finding a mate. That will follow in due course.

Having lived a few different places, I've found it easier than average to make surface friends in Seattle and harder than average to make deep, lasting friendships. In a lot of mid-30's-ish crowds, there's this wall where you're either a part of the scene or you're not, and you can have fun with people if you're not part of the scene but you won't really end up close to them. Several of my guy friends in your age range have found this to be a huge hurdle in dating, especially if they're looking for companionship and not just a revolving door of hot flings. So, you're not alone and you might enjoy a change of venue.
posted by rhiannon at 11:46 PM on January 10, 2006

Well, I was going to move to Seattle to find love, but now I've definitely changed my mind.
posted by footnote at 5:59 AM on January 11, 2006

A comment from my wife: You're 44, but your age range for potential partners is 30–45? When you were 30, were you going out with 44-year-olds?

Perhaps you should relocate that range to something more centered on your own age. As black8 says, there are plenty of women your age looking for dates in your area.
posted by mbrubeck at 10:41 AM on January 11, 2006 [1 favorite]

Mooooove!!! Seattle has to be the worst place to be in a rut.

San Francisco is great and so friendly, but Chicago is the easiest place to meet people...just get a dog, move along the lake ride the el, and you're set. It will take less than a week to get a date. Also the winters are getting milder and milder.
posted by _zed_ at 12:07 PM on January 11, 2006

Well, I was going to move to Seattle to find love, but now I've definitely changed my mind.

Both myself and my best friend moved to Seattle from California in the late-90s, and we met and married our wives there. We met many other people that moved to Seattle during that timeframe who essentially did the same. Has it totally changed in the last few years? Doubtful. YMMV.
posted by frogan at 12:18 PM on January 11, 2006

Late entry to this thread, but I just have to chime in. As a Seattle native (lived abroad, traveled like mad, but always come home), the biggest turn off in the world is to get this: "You're really nice. Really friendly. You're not like most Seattle women. Most Seattle women are total bitches." Instantly launching in to how horrible the local women are, is not the way to hit it off with the local women. Usually, if you're getting a negative response from folks repeatedly, it's not the locale, it's something you're doing. Perhaps ask a female friend for a completely honest opinion on how you're presenting yourself to the world.
posted by onegreeneye at 10:21 PM on February 18, 2006