I just can't take this anymore, but
December 16, 2016 10:50 AM
... am I just too sensitive? If I get out, how do I do it? Work edition
After my question here last week, I talked to my boss, who is the head of our six-people department, and my second boss, who is a young woman the same age as me, and told them I wouldn't renew my contract. They were really surprised, although I had complained about my co-worker being nasty to me, withholding information and sabotating me (not to mention being lazy and incompetent) multiple times, but every time was basically told some variation of "you just need to work on your communication" until I felt I was going insane.
Since they waited so long if I wanted to renew my contract, there were only four more weeks for me to wrap up, and since I will have my apartment (and rent) for another two weeks and still a month's buffer before grad school starts in April, I told them I would stay a month longer until the middle of February, but they needed to guarantee I was being treated properly.
The only way to accomplish this according to my boss was to sign the new contract and immediately give notice. Our notice period is two months, which worked out to just the middle of February. So far, so good.
Unfortunately, things are not good. While I am trying to wrap up things while staying on top of the daily routine work, my co-worker continues to read the newspaper and sleep (!) about half the time we spend at the office. We are non-exempt and not flexible about times, so it's not like she stays longer to make up for this - she is the last one to come and the first one out and routinely prolongs her lunch break to the detriment of colleagues waiting for her to take over. Frankly, most people hate her because she is nasty and rude, especially to me. She refuses to call me by my name and just yells "hey" or "you" or "moshimoshi" and then gets mad when I don't react because I'm concentrating and tuning her out thinking she's on the phone. Unfortunately, she is really good at kissing up to our department head boss, and he defends her against any accusations.
My second boss is having problems with her as well, because she doesn't follow orders of someone younger, but cannot get department head to do anything about it. (The man is conflict-averse and spineless, but loves to offload onto the youngest employees with the least standing to resist because it's easy. Unfortunately, he also seems reasonable to the other department heads and bigger boss...) He completely refuses to take us seriously and seems to think of my colleague not giving me information I need, me flailing and complaining to him as a catfight or "women being women". It really, really sucks. I thought my quitting had opened his eyes a little because he seemed a bit friendlier with me this week - he's never unfriendly to me, but he doesn't show much interest in his (female) employees, and seems to see me as a bit of a pain in the ass. (One time I told him if I was yelled at a third time by one of the unhinged drivers, I wouldn't come to work anymore, he told me that the guy was old and couldn't help it, and that I was young and could just drink my stress away. Seriously.)
Anyhow, I told young and nice female boss that if she needed me to finish all my projects with her, I needed her to push some of the routine work back onto my colleague, seeing as she has the time and none of the routine work was necessarily mine anyway, she just simply pushed it onto me. Female boss said okay, went to talk to her, and awful co-worker nodded and said sure, only to later send an email to female boss saying she had changed her mind and if I wanted her to take over some of my (it's not mine!) work, I needed to ask her for the "favour" directly. I asked my female boss into a private meeting and told her that I would do no such thing because these weren't personal favours, they were work, and how dare ask colleague for such a thing, and how could she as the boss be okay with that? Female boss listened to me and then confided that while she was having problems getting work out of colleague as well, she didn't know she was being so nasty to me (something I had mentioned over and over in the past...) and that she would not require me to grovel to her and she'd speak with department head. Unfortunately, department head said colleague was doing work for him for a conference at the end of January (sleeping is work now?) and I needed to do all the routine stuff that I repeat is not even necessarily all mine to take care of alone. I thanked female boss for trying and told her that I didn't want to cause her any problems because she is genuinely nice, although pretty clueless, but I needed to prioritize my health (in our meeting I confided in her I couldn't sleep properly anymore) and would let them know on Monday what I decided over the weekend.
Now I have four options (as far as I see them):
1. Continue to work until the middle of February and be completely wiped out by the time I'm done (not really an option)
2. Continue to work until the middle of February and just do my projects and refuse to do the rest. What are they going to do, fire me??
3. Refuse to stay longer if my conditions of proper treatment aren't met and leave in mid-January. That would leave my nice boss in the lurch, but I need to think of me as well.
4. Stay until mid-February, but have a doctor put me on sick leave. I am sure I could find someone here to prescribe me four weeks of stress-related leave, and frankly I think at this point they deserve that, but I'm probably not ruthless enough to go through with this.
I tend towards option two, but my co-worker will be nasty if she feels like I am "lazing around" at "her expense", and my boss might be pretty angry about the whole thing as well. I can try to talk to someone higher up, but the last time I tried that this summer, I was just told that it didn't seem too bad my co-worker didn't give me information I needed and put the TV on loud while I was trying to work. (O-tone higher-up: "I like to watch TV during work as well!" Sure, but he's exempt and has his own office and presumably doesn't push all the work he doesn't like on a younger colleague.)
I have spent the past three days completely drained because this whole drama is causing me insomnia, and it's killing my emotional resilience reserves. Weirdly enough, I seem to have a reputation of being unflappable at work, and sometimes I wonder if simply breaking down in tears in front of the right person might help my cause (one woman got help with her job this way), but at this point people might just think I have gone bonkers instead of acknowleding that maybe I was under a lot of pressure. (Previous higher-ups have mentioned my difficult position in this office, but never to me, only to my fiancé when I took him to social functions... At least I could use them as good references.) I also think that once I'm gone, they'll see how much I was doing, and when a possible replacement is not as good as I was (I am generally considered the best non-native speaker of Japanese people have ever met) and that poor person might quit after spending some time with my co-worker as well, they'll see things differently, but that doesn't help me NOW.
I am sorry this got so long, but people of MetaFilter, what would you do in my shoes?
After my question here last week, I talked to my boss, who is the head of our six-people department, and my second boss, who is a young woman the same age as me, and told them I wouldn't renew my contract. They were really surprised, although I had complained about my co-worker being nasty to me, withholding information and sabotating me (not to mention being lazy and incompetent) multiple times, but every time was basically told some variation of "you just need to work on your communication" until I felt I was going insane.
Since they waited so long if I wanted to renew my contract, there were only four more weeks for me to wrap up, and since I will have my apartment (and rent) for another two weeks and still a month's buffer before grad school starts in April, I told them I would stay a month longer until the middle of February, but they needed to guarantee I was being treated properly.
The only way to accomplish this according to my boss was to sign the new contract and immediately give notice. Our notice period is two months, which worked out to just the middle of February. So far, so good.
Unfortunately, things are not good. While I am trying to wrap up things while staying on top of the daily routine work, my co-worker continues to read the newspaper and sleep (!) about half the time we spend at the office. We are non-exempt and not flexible about times, so it's not like she stays longer to make up for this - she is the last one to come and the first one out and routinely prolongs her lunch break to the detriment of colleagues waiting for her to take over. Frankly, most people hate her because she is nasty and rude, especially to me. She refuses to call me by my name and just yells "hey" or "you" or "moshimoshi" and then gets mad when I don't react because I'm concentrating and tuning her out thinking she's on the phone. Unfortunately, she is really good at kissing up to our department head boss, and he defends her against any accusations.
My second boss is having problems with her as well, because she doesn't follow orders of someone younger, but cannot get department head to do anything about it. (The man is conflict-averse and spineless, but loves to offload onto the youngest employees with the least standing to resist because it's easy. Unfortunately, he also seems reasonable to the other department heads and bigger boss...) He completely refuses to take us seriously and seems to think of my colleague not giving me information I need, me flailing and complaining to him as a catfight or "women being women". It really, really sucks. I thought my quitting had opened his eyes a little because he seemed a bit friendlier with me this week - he's never unfriendly to me, but he doesn't show much interest in his (female) employees, and seems to see me as a bit of a pain in the ass. (One time I told him if I was yelled at a third time by one of the unhinged drivers, I wouldn't come to work anymore, he told me that the guy was old and couldn't help it, and that I was young and could just drink my stress away. Seriously.)
Anyhow, I told young and nice female boss that if she needed me to finish all my projects with her, I needed her to push some of the routine work back onto my colleague, seeing as she has the time and none of the routine work was necessarily mine anyway, she just simply pushed it onto me. Female boss said okay, went to talk to her, and awful co-worker nodded and said sure, only to later send an email to female boss saying she had changed her mind and if I wanted her to take over some of my (it's not mine!) work, I needed to ask her for the "favour" directly. I asked my female boss into a private meeting and told her that I would do no such thing because these weren't personal favours, they were work, and how dare ask colleague for such a thing, and how could she as the boss be okay with that? Female boss listened to me and then confided that while she was having problems getting work out of colleague as well, she didn't know she was being so nasty to me (something I had mentioned over and over in the past...) and that she would not require me to grovel to her and she'd speak with department head. Unfortunately, department head said colleague was doing work for him for a conference at the end of January (sleeping is work now?) and I needed to do all the routine stuff that I repeat is not even necessarily all mine to take care of alone. I thanked female boss for trying and told her that I didn't want to cause her any problems because she is genuinely nice, although pretty clueless, but I needed to prioritize my health (in our meeting I confided in her I couldn't sleep properly anymore) and would let them know on Monday what I decided over the weekend.
Now I have four options (as far as I see them):
1. Continue to work until the middle of February and be completely wiped out by the time I'm done (not really an option)
2. Continue to work until the middle of February and just do my projects and refuse to do the rest. What are they going to do, fire me??
3. Refuse to stay longer if my conditions of proper treatment aren't met and leave in mid-January. That would leave my nice boss in the lurch, but I need to think of me as well.
4. Stay until mid-February, but have a doctor put me on sick leave. I am sure I could find someone here to prescribe me four weeks of stress-related leave, and frankly I think at this point they deserve that, but I'm probably not ruthless enough to go through with this.
I tend towards option two, but my co-worker will be nasty if she feels like I am "lazing around" at "her expense", and my boss might be pretty angry about the whole thing as well. I can try to talk to someone higher up, but the last time I tried that this summer, I was just told that it didn't seem too bad my co-worker didn't give me information I needed and put the TV on loud while I was trying to work. (O-tone higher-up: "I like to watch TV during work as well!" Sure, but he's exempt and has his own office and presumably doesn't push all the work he doesn't like on a younger colleague.)
I have spent the past three days completely drained because this whole drama is causing me insomnia, and it's killing my emotional resilience reserves. Weirdly enough, I seem to have a reputation of being unflappable at work, and sometimes I wonder if simply breaking down in tears in front of the right person might help my cause (one woman got help with her job this way), but at this point people might just think I have gone bonkers instead of acknowleding that maybe I was under a lot of pressure. (Previous higher-ups have mentioned my difficult position in this office, but never to me, only to my fiancé when I took him to social functions... At least I could use them as good references.) I also think that once I'm gone, they'll see how much I was doing, and when a possible replacement is not as good as I was (I am generally considered the best non-native speaker of Japanese people have ever met) and that poor person might quit after spending some time with my co-worker as well, they'll see things differently, but that doesn't help me NOW.
I am sorry this got so long, but people of MetaFilter, what would you do in my shoes?
2. Continue to work until the middle of February and just do my projects and refuse to do the rest. What are they going to do, fire me??
I'd do this. Not only because it's fair, but because you might as well get some practice with establishing boundaries at work, and this seems like the perfect opportunity to do that. And if they start to really give you shit for it, then leave.
This place is MASSIVELY dysfunctional and you really don't need to take it as personally as you're taking it. They all suck, you don't. Good for you for quitting. I know you weren't sure about it, but you stuck to your guns about doing the best thing for you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:59 AM on December 16, 2016
I'd do this. Not only because it's fair, but because you might as well get some practice with establishing boundaries at work, and this seems like the perfect opportunity to do that. And if they start to really give you shit for it, then leave.
This place is MASSIVELY dysfunctional and you really don't need to take it as personally as you're taking it. They all suck, you don't. Good for you for quitting. I know you weren't sure about it, but you stuck to your guns about doing the best thing for you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:59 AM on December 16, 2016
One thing you may find, which is common in many situations, is that now that you have an end date, the crazy-making won't affect you as deeply. Don't invest any emotional energy in "just" doing your projects. Just do them. Don't "refuse" to do anything not squarely within your purview, simply don't do them.
posted by janey47 at 11:09 AM on December 16, 2016
posted by janey47 at 11:09 AM on December 16, 2016
The man is conflict-averse and spineless, but loves to offload onto the youngest employees with the least standing to resist because it's easy. ... He completely refuses to take us seriously and seems to think of my colleague not giving me information I need, me flailing and complaining to him as a catfight or "women being women"
Let me first assure you that this is not you being too sensitive. This is you not being supported by people who should have your back. That line above is much more than reason enough in my view to walk. You don't owe this bunch anything. That includes your "nice" boss, who doesn't have her eye on the ball.
This isn't about you. Your coworker and and your male boss off-loading this onto you is a displacement and shaming technique meant to snowball you. You are not responsible for this mess, nor should you feel it is necessary to fix their (immediate) problems. They will continue to have problems long after you leave, if that's any consolation.
When the fire is this all consuming, you just need to get out of the house. Don't let them hold you back. What's your absolute minimum legal requirement here? I'd do that.
posted by bonehead at 11:12 AM on December 16, 2016
Let me first assure you that this is not you being too sensitive. This is you not being supported by people who should have your back. That line above is much more than reason enough in my view to walk. You don't owe this bunch anything. That includes your "nice" boss, who doesn't have her eye on the ball.
This isn't about you. Your coworker and and your male boss off-loading this onto you is a displacement and shaming technique meant to snowball you. You are not responsible for this mess, nor should you feel it is necessary to fix their (immediate) problems. They will continue to have problems long after you leave, if that's any consolation.
When the fire is this all consuming, you just need to get out of the house. Don't let them hold you back. What's your absolute minimum legal requirement here? I'd do that.
posted by bonehead at 11:12 AM on December 16, 2016
Thank you! It's soooooooooooo good to hear people acknowledging how bad this is, I think people at work are too used to it and outsiders just don't believe it. I am crying a little right now, but that's good, this needed out.
I definitely have enough money to just take off. I'd hate to share an office with that woman for another two months even though she mostly stopped talking to me, but she still managed to be nasty somehow.
My nice boss is pretty powerless, unfortunately, but you're right, she's not even 100% on my side. Just this summer, she cried (actual tears!) to me that she just liked co-worker and me so much and wanted us to get along... Telling that to ME didn't accomplish anything, of course.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:16 AM on December 16, 2016
I definitely have enough money to just take off. I'd hate to share an office with that woman for another two months even though she mostly stopped talking to me, but she still managed to be nasty somehow.
My nice boss is pretty powerless, unfortunately, but you're right, she's not even 100% on my side. Just this summer, she cried (actual tears!) to me that she just liked co-worker and me so much and wanted us to get along... Telling that to ME didn't accomplish anything, of course.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:16 AM on December 16, 2016
The thing about bullies like your colleague is that their tactics only work while people are scared of them. If you do your job for 42 hrs/wk, are professional and keep your boss informed about progress etc that's you done. You will never be able to finish everything when leaving a job. Just model yourself on a duck and let whatever she does or doesn't say, think, do roll off your back like water. All of a sudden she loses all power. It's great fun to watch the reaction when they realise they've lost power over you. They get scared and then some of them even start to suck up to you.
Don't feel bad about your boss being left in the lurch. Your nice boss needs to find herself a job where she is not being undermined. This scenario may motivate her to do so.
And your boss boss needs to have this blow up in his face because stuff doesn't get done and it reaches crisis point.
Just finish whatever you can in a normal working day and if you can't finish something because you can't get the missing information move on to the next task. If you want to be extra helpful and make a point keep a tracker of such things with a note where you got to, embed the email where you requested the information and move on to next task. On your last day send that tracker to your bosses.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:17 AM on December 16, 2016
Don't feel bad about your boss being left in the lurch. Your nice boss needs to find herself a job where she is not being undermined. This scenario may motivate her to do so.
And your boss boss needs to have this blow up in his face because stuff doesn't get done and it reaches crisis point.
Just finish whatever you can in a normal working day and if you can't finish something because you can't get the missing information move on to the next task. If you want to be extra helpful and make a point keep a tracker of such things with a note where you got to, embed the email where you requested the information and move on to next task. On your last day send that tracker to your bosses.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:17 AM on December 16, 2016
When your lazy and rude co-worker calls you "moshimoshi", is this a racial or ethnic slur? If you are of Japanese or Asian descent, and she is using this instead of your name, it sounds pretty bad to me. It sounds like possible grounds for a bias or harassment complaint. Maybe making a formal complaint, going over the heads of the bosses who have ignored your issues, will do something.
(If I misunderstood the situation, my apologies.)
Understanding that just quitting and having no income isn't possible, I'd look for something else. I would do the minimum to get through the days at this job, and actively look for other possible short-term paycheck providers starting now. Even a low-paying or part-time job, provided you could earn enough to keep things together until February. It sounds like anything short of homelessness or starvation would be a big improvement for you right now.
posted by Cranialtorque at 11:19 AM on December 16, 2016
(If I misunderstood the situation, my apologies.)
Understanding that just quitting and having no income isn't possible, I'd look for something else. I would do the minimum to get through the days at this job, and actively look for other possible short-term paycheck providers starting now. Even a low-paying or part-time job, provided you could earn enough to keep things together until February. It sounds like anything short of homelessness or starvation would be a big improvement for you right now.
posted by Cranialtorque at 11:19 AM on December 16, 2016
I definitely have enough money to just take off.DO IT! Go! I've worked in a toxic environment like this before, it is bad for your health. If you don't have to be there, then don't be there.
posted by Cranialtorque at 11:21 AM on December 16, 2016
Have you read the perennial MeFi favorite Sick Systems: How To Keep Someone With You Forever? It helped me realize that a job (which I had just been thinking of as stressful and understaffed) was actually being straight-up abusive, even though I'm positive nobody in the organization meant it to be. Summary of the article:
So you want to keep your lover or your employee close. Bound to you, even. How do you pin her to your side, irrevocably, permanently, and perfectly legally? You create a sick system.
Keep them too busy to think.
Keep them tired.
Keep them emotionally involved.
Reward intermittently.
Keep the crises rolling.
Things will be better when...
Keep real rewards distant.
Establish one small semi-occasional success.
Chop up their time.
Enmesh your success with theirs.
Keep everything on the edge.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:22 AM on December 16, 2016
So you want to keep your lover or your employee close. Bound to you, even. How do you pin her to your side, irrevocably, permanently, and perfectly legally? You create a sick system.
Keep them too busy to think.
Keep them tired.
Keep them emotionally involved.
Reward intermittently.
Keep the crises rolling.
Things will be better when...
Keep real rewards distant.
Establish one small semi-occasional success.
Chop up their time.
Enmesh your success with theirs.
Keep everything on the edge.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:22 AM on December 16, 2016
Sorry, I don't want to threadsit, but I need to clarify this: Everyone in the department but me is Japanese, and "moshimoshi" is just what you say to someone who you've lost in the conversation, like "you there??", but since she never actually said, "Loony, I need bla bla", it's pretty rude because it implies I'm not listening. (And not calling people by name is rude anyhow.)
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:22 AM on December 16, 2016
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:22 AM on December 16, 2016
I'd figure out the last day I need to be there LEGALLY, and have that be the day I leave. It does't matter what needs finishing; these people are toxic to a comedic degree (and that includes nice boss) and you don't owe them anything.
My understanding is that your old contract expires in mid-January, right? Well, that's your last working day (and now, you don't need to stay beyond your contruct for a 2-month notice, that's ridiculuos)
You have a new, exciting life waiting for you; this job and these people are entirely trivial in the grand scheme of your life beyong the fact that they really distress you right now. Make it so that you cut the period you spent there as short as possible, and for the remainder of your time there ignore, ignore, ignore. What are they gonna do, fire you?!
posted by miorita at 11:23 AM on December 16, 2016
My understanding is that your old contract expires in mid-January, right? Well, that's your last working day (and now, you don't need to stay beyond your contruct for a 2-month notice, that's ridiculuos)
You have a new, exciting life waiting for you; this job and these people are entirely trivial in the grand scheme of your life beyong the fact that they really distress you right now. Make it so that you cut the period you spent there as short as possible, and for the remainder of your time there ignore, ignore, ignore. What are they gonna do, fire you?!
posted by miorita at 11:23 AM on December 16, 2016
This place sounds like a complete shit-show. Get out as soon as you can. Don't worry about leaving your bosses in the lurch, it's part of their job to find good people who can work well together and keep the team in shape. It's not working and they aren't fixing it.
In the meantime, use any vacation time you have. If you can work from home at least some of the time, do it.
As far as your awful coworker - don't let her steamroll you, but it might help to just divest yourself of any interest in anything she does. For example, if you get more pushback on the tasks you wanted her to take over, just tell your boss "Sorry, I'm not able to do these tasks and also prioritize the work you need done from me." Don't make the solution about giving it to anyone specific. That is your boss's problem, let her deal with it. Save your energy for yourself.
Terrible jobs suck. Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 11:29 AM on December 16, 2016
In the meantime, use any vacation time you have. If you can work from home at least some of the time, do it.
As far as your awful coworker - don't let her steamroll you, but it might help to just divest yourself of any interest in anything she does. For example, if you get more pushback on the tasks you wanted her to take over, just tell your boss "Sorry, I'm not able to do these tasks and also prioritize the work you need done from me." Don't make the solution about giving it to anyone specific. That is your boss's problem, let her deal with it. Save your energy for yourself.
Terrible jobs suck. Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 11:29 AM on December 16, 2016
Thanks for the clarification regarding "Moshi moshi". So that doesn't sound racist, just rude.
posted by Cranialtorque at 11:30 AM on December 16, 2016
posted by Cranialtorque at 11:30 AM on December 16, 2016
You may have stumbled unawares into a private turfdom disguised as a workplace.
It sounds like you might be experiencing serious cognitive dissonance here, from having a very different concept of "work" than the people you work with.
Let's say you think that work is about completing tasks and doing a good job. Perhaps you were raised with a very strong work ethic, and this approach has always served you well in your education and advancement.
If so, it can be downright bewildering if people around you don't have the same mindset!
The thing is, there are lots of dysfunctional workplaces filled with people who just want to get through the day with minimum effort. Often they form cliques to protect each other. They are resentful and hostile at people like you who actually do work, because you make them look bad.
If they've invested a lot of effort in convincing higher-ups that task X takes 10 days, and you show up and do task X in 3 days, that poses a serious existential threat to them! Can you see how they would be all teeth and fangs?
In situations like this, it gets worse if you complain directly. Now you're also threatening their self-image as good people doing good work. The usual response is deny, delay, and counterattack.
Take another look at the situation and see if this applies. If so, you will know how to recognize it next time.
I agree with everyone else here that you should probably make a graceful exit and move on for the sake of your health. You already have an exit plan - use it.
TL;DR: some workplaces are not at all about "work"
posted by metaseeker at 11:31 AM on December 16, 2016
It sounds like you might be experiencing serious cognitive dissonance here, from having a very different concept of "work" than the people you work with.
Let's say you think that work is about completing tasks and doing a good job. Perhaps you were raised with a very strong work ethic, and this approach has always served you well in your education and advancement.
If so, it can be downright bewildering if people around you don't have the same mindset!
The thing is, there are lots of dysfunctional workplaces filled with people who just want to get through the day with minimum effort. Often they form cliques to protect each other. They are resentful and hostile at people like you who actually do work, because you make them look bad.
If they've invested a lot of effort in convincing higher-ups that task X takes 10 days, and you show up and do task X in 3 days, that poses a serious existential threat to them! Can you see how they would be all teeth and fangs?
In situations like this, it gets worse if you complain directly. Now you're also threatening their self-image as good people doing good work. The usual response is deny, delay, and counterattack.
Take another look at the situation and see if this applies. If so, you will know how to recognize it next time.
I agree with everyone else here that you should probably make a graceful exit and move on for the sake of your health. You already have an exit plan - use it.
TL;DR: some workplaces are not at all about "work"
posted by metaseeker at 11:31 AM on December 16, 2016
Crying and telling your employee you like them is not the same as being a good boss. Seeing as you have enough money to do so, I think you should leave mid-January regardless of whether conditions improve or not. I don't think they will, but I just want to say these people don't deserve any more of your time even if they make things slightly better in the next month.
One more month working for these people will not be enough time to wrap up all the loose ends on any projects you're working on. There are always loose ends. And your terrible colleague is going to blame everything on you when you're gone. This is what happens in environments like this. There's nothing you can do except know that you did a good job.
posted by queensissy at 11:33 AM on December 16, 2016
One more month working for these people will not be enough time to wrap up all the loose ends on any projects you're working on. There are always loose ends. And your terrible colleague is going to blame everything on you when you're gone. This is what happens in environments like this. There's nothing you can do except know that you did a good job.
posted by queensissy at 11:33 AM on December 16, 2016
I definitely have enough money to just take off.
Just don't go back, then. There aren't any good reasons to stay there.
posted by something something at 11:45 AM on December 16, 2016
Just don't go back, then. There aren't any good reasons to stay there.
posted by something something at 11:45 AM on December 16, 2016
Sorry, to elaborate: I was in a really dysfunctional job situation for a few months and it took me a long time to realize I could just quit and never worry about it again. Once I had that realization, though, I could hardly stand it for one more second. I started applying for jobs immediately and was out of there in two weeks flat. So I think sometimes once we admit to ourselves we aren't happy and go so far as to develop an exit strategy, everything else about the situation becomes much worse in our minds. Once we realize we have an escape, we are able to more clearly see how the negatives are affecting our lives. It sounds like that's where you are. So I would just leave. Let it be over now.
posted by something something at 11:48 AM on December 16, 2016
posted by something something at 11:48 AM on December 16, 2016
You're not too sensitive! Icky! Nobody deserves this kind of treatment. You should not have to tolerate sexism and all this other ugh.
This is business. You spoke up about the problems and they didn't resolve them. Don't think about your nice boss; she'll take care of herself.
Refuse politely to do work you can't handle; and put the work of figuring out resources and decisions and how to get things done back on the bosses. It's what they're paid to do. Decide what your boundary is and imagine it as a wall, a fixed limit, beyond which it's just not possible to go. It's not personal. This is just a limit. I would either do this (your #2) or leave.
Your conscientious approach and willingness and comeradship would be appreciated somewhere else but here it's being wasted. It's hard for good people to stop putting in a full effort, so if you stay, maybe think of it as putting in a full effort to your life overall rather than the job only--just enough to stay and do your work, and then spending your other energy on next steps and self care.
They aren't thinking about your best interests (they're not obligated to) so you need to do that.
posted by ramenopres at 12:21 PM on December 16, 2016
This is business. You spoke up about the problems and they didn't resolve them. Don't think about your nice boss; she'll take care of herself.
Refuse politely to do work you can't handle; and put the work of figuring out resources and decisions and how to get things done back on the bosses. It's what they're paid to do. Decide what your boundary is and imagine it as a wall, a fixed limit, beyond which it's just not possible to go. It's not personal. This is just a limit. I would either do this (your #2) or leave.
Your conscientious approach and willingness and comeradship would be appreciated somewhere else but here it's being wasted. It's hard for good people to stop putting in a full effort, so if you stay, maybe think of it as putting in a full effort to your life overall rather than the job only--just enough to stay and do your work, and then spending your other energy on next steps and self care.
They aren't thinking about your best interests (they're not obligated to) so you need to do that.
posted by ramenopres at 12:21 PM on December 16, 2016
Walk away. If you're already done for the week, don't go back. If you're there today, gather up your personal items and then walk away.
Send an email to your boss saying your circumstances have changed and that today was your last day. Say, "Thank you for the opportunity" or something like that, and then send it.
Don't spend another second on this -- you have the money to get by, you have your future plans coming up in April. You can't fix this dysfunctional situation, and you shouldn't be subject to its pain any longer.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:41 PM on December 16, 2016
Send an email to your boss saying your circumstances have changed and that today was your last day. Say, "Thank you for the opportunity" or something like that, and then send it.
Don't spend another second on this -- you have the money to get by, you have your future plans coming up in April. You can't fix this dysfunctional situation, and you shouldn't be subject to its pain any longer.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:41 PM on December 16, 2016
Honestly, is there a book or something you could read if you decide to stay? Who cares if their organizational mission gets forwarded in that time? They owe you hundreds of hours of back pay, if you are doing that other bitch's job and never sleeping. I would just go in and play Nintendo, no joke. From now on, don't ask people politely to do their own work! Just let them know that you can't do such and such thing and the other person will have to do it. She didn't ask you whether you'd be willing to do it, did she? She just didn't do it, so you stepped in. I guess maybe you can stop doing extra extra extra work given that you're already as of now doing extra extra work as a favor, on top of the extra work that is your norm in this job. They'll figure something out, it'll be good practice for when you're gone. I guarantee if you do (what you see as) the bare minimum they will still give you a goodbye party and everyone will still genuinely miss you, because your absolute worst is probably still better than the other lady's best (and you seem so nice! What is wrong with them). But that's just a personal take on it.
posted by benadryl at 2:11 PM on December 16, 2016
posted by benadryl at 2:11 PM on December 16, 2016
Will you ever need/want these people for references?
If not, be sure to arrange an exit interview with HR, and be very detailed. Especially that comment about drinking your stress away, are you fucking kidding me?
posted by chonus at 2:52 PM on December 16, 2016
If not, be sure to arrange an exit interview with HR, and be very detailed. Especially that comment about drinking your stress away, are you fucking kidding me?
posted by chonus at 2:52 PM on December 16, 2016
I think you need an honest-to-god exit strategy. As in, you pick one task a day to stop doing. You can make it sound like a professional courtesy, even! I would send an email to both your bosses, something like this:
"In order to make your transition much smoother at the end of my employment, I have given much thought to creating a schedule for tasks that need to be re-assigned. The list for this week includes the following..... Obviously, my expectation is that the two of you will manage the transition of my duties to others."
And then when the work comes up, dump it on your boss's desk and say "I'm no longer handling this." And walk away. Brace yourself for pushback, and just calmly keep repeating that you are not doing it. "We need to stick to this schedule." If they fire you or move up your departure date, all the better (because that works for you, too!)
Ultimately, your personal goal is to disassociate from this environment, create space between you and your awful coworker, force your bosses to actually do their job and manage their department, and take charge of your own departure.
posted by raisingsand at 6:14 PM on December 16, 2016
"In order to make your transition much smoother at the end of my employment, I have given much thought to creating a schedule for tasks that need to be re-assigned. The list for this week includes the following..... Obviously, my expectation is that the two of you will manage the transition of my duties to others."
And then when the work comes up, dump it on your boss's desk and say "I'm no longer handling this." And walk away. Brace yourself for pushback, and just calmly keep repeating that you are not doing it. "We need to stick to this schedule." If they fire you or move up your departure date, all the better (because that works for you, too!)
Ultimately, your personal goal is to disassociate from this environment, create space between you and your awful coworker, force your bosses to actually do their job and manage their department, and take charge of your own departure.
posted by raisingsand at 6:14 PM on December 16, 2016
Are you staying for any reason other than to "help" your "nice boss" out? If you can benefit fro the extra money and time on the job, then stay and do option 2, with no fanfare or announcements. Just do the parts that you said you'd do, and if anyone confronts you about it say something along the lines of "I said I'd stay until February so I can complete my projects. I won't be doing any other tasks. If you have a problem with that, talk to the bosses." If your bosses try to talk to you about it, say "do you want me to stay and finish these or not? If not, I can leave right now." If that becomes untenable, go on sick leave (option 4).
But really, if you're not benefiting personally from staying, just walk away. Life is short and this is stressing you out way too much. Take some downtime and enjoy yourself before you start grad school. You've worked hard and you deserve it.
Your bosses will sort themselves out, or not. That's their problem, not yours.
posted by rpfields at 6:15 PM on December 16, 2016
But really, if you're not benefiting personally from staying, just walk away. Life is short and this is stressing you out way too much. Take some downtime and enjoy yourself before you start grad school. You've worked hard and you deserve it.
Your bosses will sort themselves out, or not. That's their problem, not yours.
posted by rpfields at 6:15 PM on December 16, 2016
Figure out the last day you need to be there legally. In the interim, call in sick, come in late, take long lunches, and leave early. Your bosses are putting up with this and worse from your coworker and getting less work out of her, there's no reason you shouldn't play the same game. Wanting to support bosses who aren't supporting you is not a good use of your time and it's not a good reason to sacrifice your health.
Let them scramble. Look out for yourself. Like you said above, what are they going to do, fire you?
posted by bile and syntax at 6:55 PM on December 16, 2016
Let them scramble. Look out for yourself. Like you said above, what are they going to do, fire you?
posted by bile and syntax at 6:55 PM on December 16, 2016
It sounds awful. And of course, you're within your rights to quit or to set conditions for staying. That said, I think the following approach would be more professional and give you good practice at managing your time, setting limits, and communicating (both work progress and your limits) with a supervisor.
"Hi boss, I'm realizing that if I do all the daily work, I may not finish the projects. Let me know how you want me to prioritize my time."
"Okay, I'm happy to make daily work my top priority if you want, but then I can't guarantee the projects will be finished. I'll do my best and keep you up to date." Then, figure out a way to communicate your progress on projects and give them a weekly update so that they get lots of warning that the projects won't be finished.
OR
"Okay, I'm happy to make the projects my top priority. So will co-worker be the lead on the daily work? Okay. Once I've met my daily / weekly goal, then I'll support co-worker in assisting with the daily work to the extent I have time with it. Will you communicate this to them or should I? Okay."
OR
"Okay, I'm happy to have a 60/40 split as you suggest. I'll spend 60% of my hours on the daily work and the other 40% on the projects. I'll keep you up to date on how much of the project that will allow me to complete. And who is the lead on the daily work after I hit that limit? Co-worker? Okay. And will you communicate this to them, or should I? Okay."
OR whatever...
Stop paying attention to your co-worker's sleeping and lunches; jealousy / resentment isn't good for anyone's health. Pretend she has some health situation that requires periodic breaks (for all you know, she does), or that she used to pull 70-hour weeks for years on end before you got there, or just use any fiction to make it possible to ignore the situation there.
Glad you're getting out of there. Good luck!
posted by salvia at 7:00 PM on December 16, 2016
"Hi boss, I'm realizing that if I do all the daily work, I may not finish the projects. Let me know how you want me to prioritize my time."
"Okay, I'm happy to make daily work my top priority if you want, but then I can't guarantee the projects will be finished. I'll do my best and keep you up to date." Then, figure out a way to communicate your progress on projects and give them a weekly update so that they get lots of warning that the projects won't be finished.
OR
"Okay, I'm happy to make the projects my top priority. So will co-worker be the lead on the daily work? Okay. Once I've met my daily / weekly goal, then I'll support co-worker in assisting with the daily work to the extent I have time with it. Will you communicate this to them or should I? Okay."
OR
"Okay, I'm happy to have a 60/40 split as you suggest. I'll spend 60% of my hours on the daily work and the other 40% on the projects. I'll keep you up to date on how much of the project that will allow me to complete. And who is the lead on the daily work after I hit that limit? Co-worker? Okay. And will you communicate this to them, or should I? Okay."
OR whatever...
Stop paying attention to your co-worker's sleeping and lunches; jealousy / resentment isn't good for anyone's health. Pretend she has some health situation that requires periodic breaks (for all you know, she does), or that she used to pull 70-hour weeks for years on end before you got there, or just use any fiction to make it possible to ignore the situation there.
Glad you're getting out of there. Good luck!
posted by salvia at 7:00 PM on December 16, 2016
Management is not on your side and in this case, "you just need to work on your communication" is a coded way of telling you to stop complaining. If I were you, I'd leave in mid-January. The people in your office, including 'nice' boss, have learned to swim in their toxic sea and will be fine.
posted by betweenthebars at 9:09 PM on December 16, 2016
posted by betweenthebars at 9:09 PM on December 16, 2016
Thank you, everyone! You're great!
I seriously doubt my co-worker ever worked more than the bare mininum (we are all non-exempt and rarely do overtime), apparently I am person 2 who's quitting because of her. I also doubt the same approach will work for me, because everyone has totally different expectations from me. It's like bad behaviour gets rewarded (laziness, tantrums etc.) and professionalism gets punished with more work so the bad people can be even lazier.
I'll talk to my therapist as well, but I think option 2 with maybe 4 if things become worse sounds like the best approach for now.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 10:37 PM on December 16, 2016
I seriously doubt my co-worker ever worked more than the bare mininum (we are all non-exempt and rarely do overtime), apparently I am person 2 who's quitting because of her. I also doubt the same approach will work for me, because everyone has totally different expectations from me. It's like bad behaviour gets rewarded (laziness, tantrums etc.) and professionalism gets punished with more work so the bad people can be even lazier.
I'll talk to my therapist as well, but I think option 2 with maybe 4 if things become worse sounds like the best approach for now.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 10:37 PM on December 16, 2016
Also, we don't have an HR department...
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:10 PM on December 16, 2016
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:10 PM on December 16, 2016
Oh dude, I'd leave NOW. No job is worth this. If you can swing this, I suggest sending an email giving your notice and never returning to this office.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:22 AM on December 17, 2016
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:22 AM on December 17, 2016
I also doubt the same approach will work for me, because everyone has totally different expectations from me.
Wow, do you have another appointment today? Did you lose track of the time? Was your train late? Oversleep because of stress? Fighting off some winter virus? Family emergency? Forget something vital at home? Dealing with a migraine? Friend or partner who needed help with something important? Just need to step out for a minute? No big deal, you just needed a little time today and it's definitely not going to be a problem because you're so responsible!
posted by bile and syntax at 7:47 AM on December 17, 2016
Wow, do you have another appointment today? Did you lose track of the time? Was your train late? Oversleep because of stress? Fighting off some winter virus? Family emergency? Forget something vital at home? Dealing with a migraine? Friend or partner who needed help with something important? Just need to step out for a minute? No big deal, you just needed a little time today and it's definitely not going to be a problem because you're so responsible!
posted by bile and syntax at 7:47 AM on December 17, 2016
Several years ago, I was an assistant manager at a franchised pizza place. My General Manager thought the whole purpose of going to work was to have fun. My District Manager spent most of his time working on his various cars. So while the other 6 people who were "working" had light saber duels with their phones in the lobby, I'd be doing the job of four people, answering the phone, slapping out dough balls into pizza crusts, topping the pizzas, and pulling them out of the ovens. And I was damned good at it. But it stressed me out to no end, and I wound up just getting madder and madder the whole time I was at work. I was eventually "asked to leave" because nobody wanted to work with me.
On my way out the door, I called my "other mother" to cry and vent and rant. Her immediate reaction was laughter and congratulating me. She was thrilled that I wouldn't be working somewhere that made me miserable any more. Absolutely overjoyed. Then I called one of my closest friends to cry and vent and rant. Her immediate reaction was laughter and congratulating me. She was also thrilled that I wouldn't be working somewhere that made me miserable any more.
You're miserable at work. Why would you stay somewhere that makes you miserable?
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 9:48 AM on December 17, 2016
On my way out the door, I called my "other mother" to cry and vent and rant. Her immediate reaction was laughter and congratulating me. She was thrilled that I wouldn't be working somewhere that made me miserable any more. Absolutely overjoyed. Then I called one of my closest friends to cry and vent and rant. Her immediate reaction was laughter and congratulating me. She was also thrilled that I wouldn't be working somewhere that made me miserable any more.
You're miserable at work. Why would you stay somewhere that makes you miserable?
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 9:48 AM on December 17, 2016
Whatever you do, I would make sure it's not a gradual change. Big noticeable step change is what you want. One more conversation just prior, "this is what I need, are you going to do anything or not?" Then when you get the brush off, snap the light switch. Call in sick, show up late, fuck around on the internet instead of working, get up and leave at or before quitting time with stuff still on your desk unfinished. Instead of refusing to do stuff, go ahead and agree. And then just don't do it. Miss the deadline. Sorry!
But the important thing is a clear cause and effect. You didn't help me, this is what you got. No mystery.
posted by ctmf at 2:08 PM on December 17, 2016
But the important thing is a clear cause and effect. You didn't help me, this is what you got. No mystery.
posted by ctmf at 2:08 PM on December 17, 2016
Thank you, everyone! I talked to my bosses today and told them that while I would have loved to stayed on a bit longer, I just couldn't anymore. I still gave them two more weeks, but not more than that because someone new is moving into my apartment in late January and at this point, I don't feel like going to the trouble of moving for them.
They reacted well, told me not to worry, no one expected me to finish anything, and my boss even acknowledged some problems with my co-worker, although I still think he doesn't grasp the full extent. ("We need a new system because team work is not possible with her" - how is that not a reason to fire the woman?) But I'm out of there soon, so I'll just have to take her huffing and puffing and constant banging and slamming for another few weeks. I also told them one comment from her about my leaving causing her more work, and they should be prepared to see my back.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:03 AM on December 19, 2016
They reacted well, told me not to worry, no one expected me to finish anything, and my boss even acknowledged some problems with my co-worker, although I still think he doesn't grasp the full extent. ("We need a new system because team work is not possible with her" - how is that not a reason to fire the woman?) But I'm out of there soon, so I'll just have to take her huffing and puffing and constant banging and slamming for another few weeks. I also told them one comment from her about my leaving causing her more work, and they should be prepared to see my back.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:03 AM on December 19, 2016
« Older Setting referrer in a .htaccess redirect with... | Practical details of moving to the Bay Area Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by AFABulous at 10:55 AM on December 16, 2016