Make my toddler entertain me

December 15, 2016 8:32 PM

My older daughter taught my 2 year old to say " Rock and rolll baaaaby". It Is very amusing. What other phrases can we teach her that are fun?
posted by MadMadam to Grab Bag (67 answers total)

You could do what Anne Lamott taught her toddler to say.

You: "What do we want?"
Kid: "Peace!"
You: "When do we want it?"
Kid: "Now!"

If I recall, her son got older, and began answering: "Lunch!"
posted by Atrahasis at 8:38 PM on December 15, 2016 [9 favorites]

When my kids were 1 and 3, we taught them to shake hands with adults and say "nice to meet you". Then they started shaking hands with each other and...Oh, man. Tiny kids playing at being grown-ups.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 8:43 PM on December 15, 2016 [17 favorites]

When visiting family one Christmas I took some crap from my brother for teaching my nephew to exclaim "I'm a meat-shield!"

No matter how timely and correct it was at the time.
posted by mce at 8:44 PM on December 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

Kids love opposites, and also being contrarian. So teach them that when someone says "fast" they can say "slow" or that when someone says "dry" they can pop up with "wet." The funniest one is if you teach a kid that when someone says "quiet," they should yell "LOUD" as loudly as they can. (Note, that last one may only be fun if you are not the child's parents. It was pretty fun for me, though.)
posted by decathecting at 8:45 PM on December 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Oh also? His older sister? Yeah she used to plop down in a peculiar way when she was 2-3. I taught her to say "Oooof, mondays." When doing so.
posted by mce at 8:46 PM on December 15, 2016 [27 favorites]

We taught our son to recognize (blatantly obvious) sarcasm pretty early on.

There's pretty much nothing funnier than watching other adults nailing your kid with a sarcastic answer to their questions or whining, and having said three-year-old answer back "Sarcasm!"
posted by Mchelly at 8:52 PM on December 15, 2016 [22 favorites]

Situational, but step things respond to friend Bobby entering the home with "dang it, Bobby!" in unison. Also the phrase "I need attention" when they need it. They also spell "d-u-n done" upon completion of things like yard work.
posted by teslacoilswoah at 8:58 PM on December 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

When she was a little bit older than your kid, my friend's daughter could recite the opening spiel from Star Trek. Still cracks me up just thinking about it. Maybe just, "Space: the final frontier!"
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:03 PM on December 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

When I was about that age, my mom taught me that when she asked what the square root of nine was, I should reply "Three!" She also "taught" me the square root of twenty-five and that when she asked me what H2O was, I should say "Water!" I'm told it was adorable.
posted by Weeping_angel at 9:21 PM on December 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Aw maaan!
Yikes!
Whoopsy daisy
How was your day?
Ahhh refreshing! (After drinking)
Bon appétit!
Geshundheit!
Whooooa (like when they are moving fast.... I think it's so cute how kids say this kind of expressionlessly)
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:32 PM on December 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

Peace! Land! Bread!
Think of it as evolution in action.
Boredom is way underrated.
Terminological inexactitude.
The killer awoke before dawn. He put his boots on.
posted by Bruce H. at 9:34 PM on December 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

"Touchdoooowwwwn!" is a useful trick at superbowl parties.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:34 PM on December 15, 2016

For adults who love it when kids can name body parts:
Parent; Where's your ears
(Toddler points to ears)
Parent; Where's your mouth?
(Toddler points to mouth)
Parent; Where's your pituitary gland?
(Toddler points to between eyes)
The party trick of a doctor I knew and his baby.
posted by Jubey at 9:45 PM on December 15, 2016 [29 favorites]

I just taught my nephew this (which I had previously taught my younger brother.)

Me: [placing palm on child's head] what's this?
Child: a brain sucker!
Me: what's it doing?
Child: STARVING!

It's just always funny.
posted by punchtothehead at 9:46 PM on December 15, 2016 [8 favorites]

I was glad to pass on the most annoying game ever to my two children. They're a bit older though so you may need to wait a year or two.

Child 1: That's life.
Child 2: What's life?
Child 1: A magazine.
Child 2: How much does it cost?
Child 1: 50 cents.
Child 2: 50 cents! That's a lot!
Child 1: That's life.
Child 2: What's life?

(repeat ad nauseum)
posted by rouftop at 10:02 PM on December 15, 2016 [9 favorites]

We know multiple lawyers who have taught their toddlers, when they see someone trip and fall, instead of saying "oops!" to say, "Liability?"

When you do "cow says moo, sheep says baa" make sure to add something along the lines of "What does a zombie say?" "Bwains!" ("What does a computer say?" "Beep boop!" "What does Admiral Akbar say?" "It's a twap!")

I don't remember exactly how this happened but my littler boy, at 2 1/2 or 3, learned the phrase "bodily autonomy" as the reason his older brother wasn't allowed to tackle him for no reason and he used to shout, "BODIWY AUTONOMY! BODIWY AUTONOMY!" in alarm and indignation when being brother-wrestled.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:42 PM on December 15, 2016 [51 favorites]

My little brother taught us but "let's go, big dudes!" cracked me up every time we left the house.
posted by kitten magic at 10:49 PM on December 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Adult: If someone says "Work", you say...
Child: Why!!!
posted by Toddles at 10:59 PM on December 15, 2016

Also...
Adult: Guess what?
Kid: Chicken butt!

and so on, down the chicken genre...
posted by Toddles at 11:01 PM on December 15, 2016

All the kids in my daughter's preschool class call each other "dude" and it is CONSTANTLY funny
posted by potrzebie at 11:10 PM on December 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Having already instructed a child I have access to on the danger of zombies I thought it o let fair to train them in situational awareness of hipsters. We were in an especially hipster-dense area of town during the height of the epidemic. That she pronounced it "lipsters" only made it more wonderful when she asked, wide eyed and horrified, if they were more dangerous than zombies.
posted by Iteki at 11:26 PM on December 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

We accidentally taught my 2-year-old to shout "INCOMING!" every time she runs into the kitchen. It's pretty handy.
posted by Catseye at 12:07 AM on December 16, 2016 [20 favorites]

Release the Kraken!
posted by cecic at 12:09 AM on December 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: I want to mark these all as best answer because they are all pretty fun. Metafilter to the rescue again!
posted by MadMadam at 12:30 AM on December 16, 2016

I started a fire.
posted by sexyrobot at 12:50 AM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

For some reason I convinced one of my sons that you're supposed to shout 'Jolly good!' every time you jump off something. He did it for years.
posted by pipeski at 1:43 AM on December 16, 2016 [8 favorites]

'Have mercy on me!'
posted by h00py at 2:37 AM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

A friends little brother once surprised us all by rolling his eyes and drawling "How vulgar!" when someone farted, belched etc etc. We have no idea where he picked it up from (this was very much pre-Downton Abbey) but it killed me then, and it kills me now.
posted by ninazer0 at 3:05 AM on December 16, 2016 [11 favorites]

Fist shake along with a "why I oughta!..." is good if you enjoy being menaced by toddlers.
posted by Gratishades at 3:08 AM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

Reminds me of this...
posted by low_horrible_immoral at 3:13 AM on December 16, 2016

Adult: Thank you
Toddler: You're so welcome.
posted by Kalmya at 3:43 AM on December 16, 2016 [10 favorites]

Our daughter picked up, "Listen, Buster!" from my husband when she was about 3. It was hysterical.
posted by zizzle at 3:57 AM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

My wife taught our daughter "motherfucker" when she was about 3 years old, but not really on purpose. Funny as hell, though.
posted by briank at 5:42 AM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

When my kid was two, we taught her:

Anytime a phone rings, you say "Phones ringin', dude." When you answer, you respond "Thank you, Donny."

Anytime you see a cop, you say "Cop! Be cool." This backfired on us in the rotunda of the state capitol, when she went right up to a DPS officer, pointed at him, and shouted "COP! BE COOL!" Amazing acoustics in there, if you get a chance.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 5:42 AM on December 16, 2016 [12 favorites]

I taught mine to say "I take the Fifth Amendment. I want to call my lawyer."
posted by corb at 5:47 AM on December 16, 2016 [6 favorites]

Also taught her "This aggression will not stand, man."
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 5:48 AM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

I taught my friends' kid to "raise the roof" while saying "raise the roof" - it was pretty great.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:07 AM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

When my four-year-old was getting over a cold and was still hoarse, I taught him to scrunch up his index finger while saying "Redrum! Redrum!" My wife nearly busted her gut laughing. (It also helped that he's an off-blond moppet named Daniel.)
posted by cgs06 at 6:19 AM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

I taught a toddler I babysat in high school a few Randy Macho Man Savage phrases and hearing a Randy Macho Man Savage-type voice come out of something two and a half feet tall is HILARIOUS.
posted by phunniemee at 6:30 AM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

My 3-year-old says "That's a matter of opinion!" and "Mozzerella" in a weird voice while clapping her hands together slowly.

Also calls people either "Madame" or "my man" interchangeably. I find all of these amusing and don't know where they came from.
posted by mgogol at 7:01 AM on December 16, 2016 [6 favorites]

For a while, telling my then-2-year old to "stop" would result in the response "hammertime!"
posted by neilbert at 7:58 AM on December 16, 2016 [8 favorites]

I taught a friend's 4-year-old to refer to his mouth as his "food hole."

This was very funny, and then kind of funny, and then moderately tiresome, and then irritating, and then all the way back to funny again.
posted by uberchet at 8:27 AM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

We don't know who taught my cousin's toddler to refer to "my time in East Germany," but it's hella funny and creepy when he does it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:55 AM on December 16, 2016 [19 favorites]

My 3yo son recently started looking at his baby sister's dirty diaper while I'm changing her and saying, "That's horrifying."
posted by gatorae at 8:59 AM on December 16, 2016 [6 favorites]

We taught our friend's daughter to say "Solid" while throwing the Black Power salute. Usually it came out "Salad." Yeah, Power to the Greens, Maddie.

Also we taught her little sister "Hulk SMASH!" She did the bodybuilder muscle-flex pose and everything. Hilarious.
posted by mon-ma-tron at 9:14 AM on December 16, 2016

The comment above about being menaced by toddlers reminded me of Funny or Die's The Landlord.
posted by merejane at 9:17 AM on December 16, 2016

I taught a friend's kid to do the John Travolta disco point whenever I said "Disco."

My nickname among NOT JUST THIS FRIEND but also other friends' kids is now Disco Sarah, because there are too many Sarahs not to differentiate.
posted by athenasbanquet at 9:29 AM on December 16, 2016

When my son was very little, my brothers took him aside and taught him to call me "Mother," which he initially pronounced as "muvver." That stuck. I didn't become "Mom" until he was probably in middle school.

Also, I was in college when he was little, so every now and again, I'd creatively combine studying with bedtime stories, and you know how little kids glom onto something and want to hear it over and over? Well, he glommed onto Milton's sonnet "On His Blindness." He eventually learned the whole thing and would do dramatic recitations for family, friends, and his daycare class. The best part was when he would boom out, with great umbrage, "Doth God exact day labor, light denied?" He wasn't two at the time, but he couldn't have been five yet either.
posted by ernielundquist at 9:29 AM on December 16, 2016 [9 favorites]

Some phrases from my friends' toddler:

What does mummy say?
"No, no, no, no, no " - with finger wagging

What's the sound of the police?
"whoop whoop"

with a shake of a fist - "beatings!" ( mummy is trying to discourage that one before he does it in front of the wrong person!)
posted by missmagenta at 9:40 AM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Yeah, toddlers cussing is always hilarious, but then you can't get them to stop and it happens at the wrong time and suddenly it's not so funny anymore.
posted by rikschell at 9:51 AM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

and beer is "Daddy juice" and wine is "Mummy juice"
posted by missmagenta at 9:59 AM on December 16, 2016

I just remembered a couple more:

"Right on" and "good call" for stuff she agreed with.

I made mac 'n' cheese instead of broccoli. "Good call."

We're going to the park after we pick mom up. "Right on."
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 10:09 AM on December 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

What do we say to the god of death?
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:10 AM on December 16, 2016 [6 favorites]

We accidentally (and then on purpose) taught our toddlers to hang their fists on the wall and say "Whyyyyyyy?" which is a cute break in their tantrums usually
posted by rmless at 10:28 AM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Whenever I see a plane flying overhead I will say "Boss the plane!" in the hopes my kids will start doing it but it hasn't happened yet.

One thing my 2.5 year-old does now is shrug when he doesn't know the answer to something , which I'm guessing he got from me.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 11:28 AM on December 16, 2016

Someone I know taught their toddler to say, "Wow, you look great, have you lost weight?"
posted by *s at 12:55 PM on December 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

My mom's party trick with me was having me tell people "there are only two things you can't be when you grow up: a daddy or a republican."
posted by ActionPopulated at 2:15 PM on December 16, 2016

Taught my son to point a someone's shirt, then say Made you look!
Taught a friend's daughter to do the gymnastics pose - arms held high - and say Tada!

and pretty much any Monty Python routine, but Holy Grail has some lovely bits - Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
posted by theora55 at 2:30 PM on December 16, 2016

Squint and point, "you dirty rat!"
posted by bendy at 3:06 PM on December 16, 2016

We taught my daughter to say "Anarchy!" complete with raised fist when asked "what's your political statement?" and it was extremely cute as well as mildly unsettling. That was the 80s though.
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:01 AM on December 17, 2016

One of my friends taught her 3 year old to say "you'll pay for your insolence!" and it never fails to crack me up.
posted by a hat out of hell at 6:21 AM on December 17, 2016 [4 favorites]

Maybe some MetaFilter-themed ones?

Surely This!

$20, same as in town! Whenever someone asks a "whats..." question.
posted by ctmf at 2:27 PM on December 17, 2016

I taught my daughter the magic words that the Witch Doctor will give you to cause someone to fall in love with you--Oo ee oo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang. Also an Alvin & the Chipmunks hit https://youtu.be/mZIk7EAD6HI. Weirdly hilarious from a 2-year-old.
posted by Nosey Mrs. Rat at 8:15 PM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

Yeah, toddlers cussing is always hilarious, but then you can't get them to stop and it happens at the wrong time and suddenly it's not so funny anymore.

Yes, before teaching your toddler any phrase, be absolutely sure it's one you won't mind hearing screamed at the top of their lungs on an endless loop in places like church, the bank, your elderly relative's hospital room, in the car in heavy traffic, on an airplane, et cetera.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:37 PM on December 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

Yeah, toddlers cussing is always hilarious, but then you can't get them to stop and it happens at the wrong time and suddenly it's not so funny anymore.

Acquaintances of ours tried "taking the power away" from cursing. So rather than telling them they can't say something, they just acted nonchalantly whenever the kid cursed, so as not to empower their speech.

This is how the kid ended up calling anyone who bummed them out "you fucker". Good job!
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 8:12 AM on December 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

My niece's preschool teacher taught the 3 year olds to say "peace out" when leaving a room. Always made me laugh.
posted by orchidarea at 1:19 PM on December 20, 2016

My friend teaches her nieces and nephews to say "britches" because they usually can't say the R sound.
posted by IndigoRain at 10:38 PM on December 20, 2016