Ketchup One-liners (or 3 liners)

December 13, 2016 6:59 AM

Anyone know any short jokes featuring ketchup? 1 to 3 lines is best.

I'm building an app that has ketchup in the name and want to show a random short joke on the initial screen. I have a few, but I'd like more and the green seems like a good place to ask =c)

Let's keep it PG-13 as well.

posted by pyro979 to Writing & Language (22 answers total)

A tomato and a lettuce had a race. The lettuce was a head, and the tomato had to ketchup.
posted by misteraitch at 7:01 AM on December 13, 2016 [4 favorites]

I'm not sure if this will meet your criteria, but the headline could perhaps serve as a one-liner: http://www.clickhole.com/article/great-news-ketchup-political-scientists-say-outcom-5042
posted by TurkishGolds at 7:10 AM on December 13, 2016

There's the Mia Wallace Fox Force 5 joke from Pulp Fiction:

Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Catch up.

posted by Celsius1414 at 7:11 AM on December 13, 2016 [12 favorites]

A friend rubbed tomato ketchup on his eyes. In Heinz sight, it wasn’t a good idea.
posted by pipeski at 7:11 AM on December 13, 2016 [13 favorites]

If you want to branch out a bit, you can also include some tomato jokes.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:29 AM on December 13, 2016

Why was the ketchup red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
posted by Slinga at 7:59 AM on December 13, 2016 [9 favorites]

Not a joke, but a fine couplet:

Shake and shake the ketchup bottle;
None will come, and then a lot'll.
posted by bgrebs at 8:36 AM on December 13, 2016 [16 favorites]

(Ok, these are gonna be rooooough, but let's give this a whirl)

How did the artist design the sauce bottle. He started with a sketchup.

Some sailors went on a secret mission to get some sauce, but all their boats had a larger mainmast and a smaller missenmast. It was a ketch op.

Why did the Yiddish tomato farmer jump around and complain.
He was doing a kvetch-hop.

What is ketchup's favourite dance?
Salsa!




Not jokes, but nice one liner facts.
The scientific name for the tomato translates as wolf-peach

Tomatoes are known as apples of gold in italian

Tomoatoes are known as paradise apples in german

In Iran tomatoes are called Foreign Plums
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 8:49 AM on December 13, 2016 [2 favorites]

I have heard another version: Shake, shake the ketchup bottle. First a little; then an axolotl. (Doesn't make sense, but good surrealist imagery.)
posted by blnkfrnk at 9:23 AM on December 13, 2016

Mama tomato to baby tomato:
Don't get saucy with me.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:26 AM on December 13, 2016

If you want to branch out a bit, you can also include some tomato jokes.

Q: What's red and invisible?
A: No tomatoes.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:10 AM on December 13, 2016 [3 favorites]

Did you hear about the condiment race?
Relish is currently in the lead, but mustard mayo ketchup soon.
posted by belladonna at 11:35 AM on December 13, 2016

It's not widely known that the word "ketchup" comes from the sound a tomato makes when it sneezes.
posted by flabdablet at 11:44 AM on December 13, 2016 [3 favorites]

Some kind of play on words with "catsup" and "dogsdown"?
posted by jillithd at 11:52 AM on December 13, 2016

Previously
Mama Tomato, Papa Tomato, Little Tomato and Baby Tomato were walking down the street. Little Tomato was lagging behind. Papa Tomato went to Little Tomato, stomped his foot and said "Catch Up!"
posted by space_cookie at 12:04 PM on December 13, 2016

It's not a joke exactly but my favorite line from Mad Men is,

"It's Heinz ketchup, Don! It's the Coca-Cola of condiments!"
posted by Crystalinne at 2:16 PM on December 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

Two bottles of ketchup were in the refrigerator.

The first says to the second, "Boy, it's cold in here."

The second bottle says, "Holy cow, a talking ketchup bottle."

This is a shameless variation of the muffin joke.
posted by SpacemanStix at 3:12 PM on December 13, 2016

How do you fix a broken tomato?
With tomato paste
posted by ainsley at 5:07 PM on December 13, 2016 [3 favorites]

I was going to say, "Look up Garrison Keillor's ketchup jokes, I'm pretty sure he told one every week" but then I remembered that he told the same one every week. Anyway,

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A badger playing with a ketchup bottle.
posted by aws17576 at 7:14 PM on December 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

“Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee Hot Dog, please, with no cream Ketchup." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream ketchup.
He replies, "Okay, I'll have it with no milk Mustard instead.”
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 3:41 AM on December 14, 2016

Not a joke, but someone asked me recently 'if tomatoes are fruit, isn't ketchup a smoothie?'.
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 4:28 AM on December 14, 2016 [3 favorites]

Not a joke, but I've always found humor in this distinction:

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:39 AM on December 14, 2016 [3 favorites]