looking for a new love language
December 9, 2016 8:16 AM Subscribe
My 'love language' has always been gift-giving. There is nothing I enjoy more than paying for friends' and acquaintances' drinks and food, giving presents, doing favors, and toiling over elaborate meals and cocktails to serve to others -- summarily, I guess I find incredible comfort and joy in being fortunate enough to provide for folks in a material way. Unfortunately, I am no longer quite so fortunate. What are some cheap-to-free forms of service and giving I can engage in instead?
One of my friends is like, "You don't have to keep buying me stuff for me to hang out with you!" but I am honestly at a loss as to how to express fondness for someone without giving them an actual object. I do like to tell people flat-out that I adore, admire, and/or love them, but it tends to make things awkward, much more so than simply springing for a trio of rum and Cokes at happy hour or a fancy dinner for no reason. How can I continue to give, without having money to buy stuff for people? Or do I need a new 'love language' altogether?
One of my friends is like, "You don't have to keep buying me stuff for me to hang out with you!" but I am honestly at a loss as to how to express fondness for someone without giving them an actual object. I do like to tell people flat-out that I adore, admire, and/or love them, but it tends to make things awkward, much more so than simply springing for a trio of rum and Cokes at happy hour or a fancy dinner for no reason. How can I continue to give, without having money to buy stuff for people? Or do I need a new 'love language' altogether?
Your love language is supposed to be how you prefer to *receive* love. The "new" love language you need to learn is how your friends want to be appreciated, not how you prefer to appreciate.
posted by kelseyq at 8:26 AM on December 9, 2016 [50 favorites]
posted by kelseyq at 8:26 AM on December 9, 2016 [50 favorites]
I'm also a gift-giver. When I can't do that for people because of money (or distance) I like to send random text messages that say how awesome they are, or better yet a home made card of some kind. Cooking for friends can also be a cheap; so can arranging a pot luck meal (which is cheaper and easier on me but still wildly appreciated in my world).
posted by dpx.mfx at 8:27 AM on December 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by dpx.mfx at 8:27 AM on December 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
Heartfelt, truthful words can go a long way, you'd be surprised! (Even when they're a bit jumbled up. Lucky for me, because I am crap at buying gifts on time.) Nobody's going to be mad at getting a well-timed expression of appreciation. Or "quality time", 2nd that for sure.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:37 AM on December 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:37 AM on December 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you read an article that pertains to their interests (not yours) or relates to a conversation you have had with them, you can send it to them. It shows you are both thinking of them and pay attention to what is important to them.
posted by TORunner at 8:38 AM on December 9, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by TORunner at 8:38 AM on December 9, 2016 [11 favorites]
Remembering that not everyone likes gifts or others paying for them may help break the habit. Personally I really dislike it. Be a good friend by being generous with your time, attention, listening, compassion, and help.
posted by cecic at 8:39 AM on December 9, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by cecic at 8:39 AM on December 9, 2016 [5 favorites]
I do like to tell people flat-out that I adore, admire, and/or love them, but it tends to make things awkward, much more so than simply springing for a trio of rum and Cokes at happy hour or a fancy dinner for no reason.
Ah, yeah, I can see this happening. It probably can be a bit too meta or awkward if it's out of the blue or over-the-top (esp if the person is on the reserved side). I think everyone having a couple of drinks (absent a reason not to) probably helps.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:45 AM on December 9, 2016
Ah, yeah, I can see this happening. It probably can be a bit too meta or awkward if it's out of the blue or over-the-top (esp if the person is on the reserved side). I think everyone having a couple of drinks (absent a reason not to) probably helps.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:45 AM on December 9, 2016
You can still cook for people even if the ingredients are inexpensive or if it's not a full meal. You can host a potluck and make a lovely dessert or batch of cocktails. Or host a party centered around a special but not expensive dish, such as a dumpling or crepe party. Hosting is in itself a very generous gesture, even without an elaborate meal.
Lending books or movies that you think ppl might like. Sending articles that tie into their interests.
posted by bunderful at 8:47 AM on December 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
Lending books or movies that you think ppl might like. Sending articles that tie into their interests.
posted by bunderful at 8:47 AM on December 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
It sounds like one of your friends is already trying to reassure you that you needn't buy her anything to show her how much you value your friendship, and that is a good thing to keep in mind.
If actually physically being there to see their reaction isn't as important to you as the act of giving itself is, writing and sending a cute letter or card to friends at random can be a fun way to show your friends that you're thinking about them. It costs only a stamp, some stationery, and some time, and people LOVE getting fun letters in the mail. Plus, you can tell them how awesome they are without any kind of awkward face-to-face conversation. Win-win!
Otherwise, the gift of your time, undivided attention, and appreciation for them as a friend is a much more powerful thing than pretty much any physical gift. Maybe you can keep an eye out for free or low cost events in your area they might be interested in and then offer to take them there if they want? Or set up a fun movie or game night or something based around something they enjoy?
posted by helloimjennsco at 8:52 AM on December 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
If actually physically being there to see their reaction isn't as important to you as the act of giving itself is, writing and sending a cute letter or card to friends at random can be a fun way to show your friends that you're thinking about them. It costs only a stamp, some stationery, and some time, and people LOVE getting fun letters in the mail. Plus, you can tell them how awesome they are without any kind of awkward face-to-face conversation. Win-win!
Otherwise, the gift of your time, undivided attention, and appreciation for them as a friend is a much more powerful thing than pretty much any physical gift. Maybe you can keep an eye out for free or low cost events in your area they might be interested in and then offer to take them there if they want? Or set up a fun movie or game night or something based around something they enjoy?
posted by helloimjennsco at 8:52 AM on December 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
People love it when you cook or bake for them! I have recently taken up baking, and my coworkers are starting to put in requests!
posted by radioamy at 8:59 AM on December 9, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by radioamy at 8:59 AM on December 9, 2016 [6 favorites]
Pick people up at the airport. Be the first to offer someone help moving. Drop off cookies.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:18 AM on December 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:18 AM on December 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
Yeah, this is a reason I cook for people and ask out-of-town friends to stay with me when they're traveling.
Also, "Oh hey, I saw this cool thing happen, and I knew you'd find the story really amusing/heartwarming/fascinating/whatever, so I remembered it to tell you" is basically giving a present, but the present is a second-hand experience and not a first-hand one. You're still sending the message "I pay attention to what you like, I care about giving you what you like, and I think about you when you're not around."
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:24 AM on December 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also, "Oh hey, I saw this cool thing happen, and I knew you'd find the story really amusing/heartwarming/fascinating/whatever, so I remembered it to tell you" is basically giving a present, but the present is a second-hand experience and not a first-hand one. You're still sending the message "I pay attention to what you like, I care about giving you what you like, and I think about you when you're not around."
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:24 AM on December 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Consider gifts of service which require time and attention more than financial resources. Hold doors, carry boxes, volunteer with them at a charity of their choosing. Remember important dates and call people. Stuff is only stuff. It's shared experiences that make friendships valuable.
You have more to offer than money.
posted by 26.2 at 9:26 AM on December 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
You have more to offer than money.
posted by 26.2 at 9:26 AM on December 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
I get uncomfortable when people give me more than I can give in return, whether it's presents, buying drinks, or even these new ideas about sending lots of postcards, hosting potlucks, or giving rides. If your friend is the same way, try to let them reciprocate in some way for most of your gestures. This way they won't feel like they owe you so much. You're feeling loving; they may be feeling guilty.
Inviting them to do things that are free and low effort may also be good, as then you have some neutral ground. Let them invite you to do things too. If you don't give so much, they can make the relationship more balanced.
posted by Margalo Epps at 9:33 AM on December 9, 2016 [6 favorites]
Inviting them to do things that are free and low effort may also be good, as then you have some neutral ground. Let them invite you to do things too. If you don't give so much, they can make the relationship more balanced.
posted by Margalo Epps at 9:33 AM on December 9, 2016 [6 favorites]
Think of love languages like they're interests. You're interested in gift-giving. Your friends, maybe not so much. What are they interested in? That's what you need to relate to.
My brother, my dad, and I all love football and giving each other a hard time. (Everybody swears that Daddy's love language is harassment.) My sister doesn't like football at all, and hates being teased. If I want to bond with my brother, I catch up on what our favorite teams are doing, and I rib him about his sons doing whatever adorable thing they did this week. Doesn't work with my sister; she's into shopping, Gilmore Girls, church, and mommying. So I ask about her kids, the dog, Bible study, while being upbeat and caring.
It's like the psychological behavior of mirroring. You want to imitate and reflect the other person's wants and needs to build rapport with them. You may have to ask them flat out what their love language is. Or get them to take one of the many love language quizzes online. That way, you won't have to guess, and can more easily fulfill their needs.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 9:47 AM on December 9, 2016 [5 favorites]
My brother, my dad, and I all love football and giving each other a hard time. (Everybody swears that Daddy's love language is harassment.) My sister doesn't like football at all, and hates being teased. If I want to bond with my brother, I catch up on what our favorite teams are doing, and I rib him about his sons doing whatever adorable thing they did this week. Doesn't work with my sister; she's into shopping, Gilmore Girls, church, and mommying. So I ask about her kids, the dog, Bible study, while being upbeat and caring.
It's like the psychological behavior of mirroring. You want to imitate and reflect the other person's wants and needs to build rapport with them. You may have to ask them flat out what their love language is. Or get them to take one of the many love language quizzes online. That way, you won't have to guess, and can more easily fulfill their needs.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 9:47 AM on December 9, 2016 [5 favorites]
Listening.
Few people do it well, and really, it's a gift.
posted by Toddles at 10:04 AM on December 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
Few people do it well, and really, it's a gift.
posted by Toddles at 10:04 AM on December 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yes, seconding the comment above that this isn't necessarily your love language, unless the thing that makes you attached to people is receiving gifts from them. This is you guessing that their love language is receiving gifts, or possibly you having a need to give them for some past reason. My partner does this all the time, and to be honest it's a bit weird. But very difficult to refuse. Your friend who has all but told you to stop is a very good friend, and I think you should listen to them. Many others are probably thinking the same but dare not tell you.
Read the five love languages if you like and try some of them out, but you're talking about friends not lovers, so take it with a pinch of salt.
Friends want support above all else. A shoulder to cry on, someone to trust, someone to talk to. Just being there for them, being reliable, listening and helping. Doing these will make you stand out as a good friend.
posted by tillsbury at 10:14 AM on December 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Read the five love languages if you like and try some of them out, but you're talking about friends not lovers, so take it with a pinch of salt.
Friends want support above all else. A shoulder to cry on, someone to trust, someone to talk to. Just being there for them, being reliable, listening and helping. Doing these will make you stand out as a good friend.
posted by tillsbury at 10:14 AM on December 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you like making people food, make them cheap food. This is great because cheap food is often the best food.
I love making people food and the requests I get are almost always for some of the least expensive stuff I make. I recommend the following.
1) Learn to make fresh pasta. It's is pretty much the easiest thing you can do. I've learned that when I'm having people over for pasta the two things that really make people feel they're getting something special (and they are, because despite how easy and cheap it is, most people will never get fresh pasta outside some expensive restaurant) is to:
(a) Hang up the pasta to dry before they get there. This totally sells the pasta. People like seeing pasta hang. I'm not sure why and I like seeing pasta hang!
(b) Mix some herb in the pasta while you're making it. I stay away from lemon zest and rind not because it's not great, but because if someone has had a flavored pasta it's going to have been lemon. I like to use either dried thyme or poppyseeds. About two teaspoons per cup of flour works great.
Make whatever pasta sauce you like. I think the NYtimes has one that's basically a can of tomatoes plus some butter that's fantastic.
Great, you've fed people a meal they won't forget for less than $5.
2) Some bread, I like challaha, but really any bread will do. And learn to shape it like a bunny rabbit, but a sorta abstract one. Use a raisin or currant for the eye. If you learn to do this and can make it not look like a kid's art project you'll have people asking for bunny bread for years. For years and years. To the point you're tired of making bunny bread. Sigh. Holiday time...Bunny bread... Now I want to crawl under a blanket.
Again, less than $5.
3) Chicken thighs and curry. A bit of practice with this and man, people love it. I recommend you half make this yourself. The vacuum packed curry pastes are so good and cheap that I would just use them. Read some reviews, find a good one, practice a few times. With thighs being less that $2. Veggies and rice being cheap. Again, so good. Again, you want to have people showing up with this halfway done so they can smell it cooking.
If you want to cook, cook cheap.
posted by bswinburn at 10:19 AM on December 9, 2016 [12 favorites]
I love making people food and the requests I get are almost always for some of the least expensive stuff I make. I recommend the following.
1) Learn to make fresh pasta. It's is pretty much the easiest thing you can do. I've learned that when I'm having people over for pasta the two things that really make people feel they're getting something special (and they are, because despite how easy and cheap it is, most people will never get fresh pasta outside some expensive restaurant) is to:
(a) Hang up the pasta to dry before they get there. This totally sells the pasta. People like seeing pasta hang. I'm not sure why and I like seeing pasta hang!
(b) Mix some herb in the pasta while you're making it. I stay away from lemon zest and rind not because it's not great, but because if someone has had a flavored pasta it's going to have been lemon. I like to use either dried thyme or poppyseeds. About two teaspoons per cup of flour works great.
Make whatever pasta sauce you like. I think the NYtimes has one that's basically a can of tomatoes plus some butter that's fantastic.
Great, you've fed people a meal they won't forget for less than $5.
2) Some bread, I like challaha, but really any bread will do. And learn to shape it like a bunny rabbit, but a sorta abstract one. Use a raisin or currant for the eye. If you learn to do this and can make it not look like a kid's art project you'll have people asking for bunny bread for years. For years and years. To the point you're tired of making bunny bread. Sigh. Holiday time...Bunny bread... Now I want to crawl under a blanket.
Again, less than $5.
3) Chicken thighs and curry. A bit of practice with this and man, people love it. I recommend you half make this yourself. The vacuum packed curry pastes are so good and cheap that I would just use them. Read some reviews, find a good one, practice a few times. With thighs being less that $2. Veggies and rice being cheap. Again, so good. Again, you want to have people showing up with this halfway done so they can smell it cooking.
If you want to cook, cook cheap.
posted by bswinburn at 10:19 AM on December 9, 2016 [12 favorites]
Send cards, preferably cards that have some link to something they like in terms of the aesthetic or specific picture. Write a random snapshot of your life or day or whatever, and include content that demonstrates you know what's going on in their lives right now. Stickers and doodles often seem to be appreciated by the people I post to. The trick is not to make it overly pressurised - you've sent a card, or send one now and then, but there's no creepy mail flurry coming from you that might necessitate they write back if they're just not card writers themselves. Save up things from hardcopy magazines and newspapers you think they'd like to read, and include in mailing.
posted by thetarium at 10:26 AM on December 9, 2016
posted by thetarium at 10:26 AM on December 9, 2016
Oh man, I can relate. I'm very much a gift giver as I feel like physical objects/food are a tangible sentiment, but I have also close to bankrupted myself by spending on my friends.
In my opinion, it's way too tall an ask of yourself to just change that inner need to give things. But there's plenty of things to be given that don't cost money.
For me, I started giving the gift of being an organizer, the person who gets people together or reaches out first. I also share recipes and articles and music with my friends as a way of "gifting" them information I think they'd like. It's just as personal as picking out or making a physical gift for them.
Cooking is another good one, but your mileage may very friend to friend if you have any picky eaters in your social circle.
Having said that, please also be aware when friends are taking advantage, being caring generally opens you up as a target for codependance. People are also far more willing to take and take when it's stuff like cooking/emotional labour gifts. Keep giving because it fulfils you, just don't drain yourself to do it.
You sound so kind and my thoughts go out to you in this less fortunate season of life. Good luck.
posted by InkDrinker at 11:03 AM on December 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
In my opinion, it's way too tall an ask of yourself to just change that inner need to give things. But there's plenty of things to be given that don't cost money.
For me, I started giving the gift of being an organizer, the person who gets people together or reaches out first. I also share recipes and articles and music with my friends as a way of "gifting" them information I think they'd like. It's just as personal as picking out or making a physical gift for them.
Cooking is another good one, but your mileage may very friend to friend if you have any picky eaters in your social circle.
Having said that, please also be aware when friends are taking advantage, being caring generally opens you up as a target for codependance. People are also far more willing to take and take when it's stuff like cooking/emotional labour gifts. Keep giving because it fulfils you, just don't drain yourself to do it.
You sound so kind and my thoughts go out to you in this less fortunate season of life. Good luck.
posted by InkDrinker at 11:03 AM on December 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
Tell them true things about themselves that most people don't realize. Things about them that they can be a little proud of, secretly.
posted by amtho at 11:09 AM on December 9, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by amtho at 11:09 AM on December 9, 2016 [7 favorites]
I have a friend with whom I swap puzzles/encrypted stuff. He really like puzzles, so I spent a day making a maze for him which spelled out 'merry christmas' if you got it right. maybe making something for your friends/family? (not necessarily mazes...)
But also have very much appreciated things as simple as a newspaper clipping in the mail "hey, saw this, thought of you" type thing.
posted by owlrigh at 5:24 PM on December 15, 2016
But also have very much appreciated things as simple as a newspaper clipping in the mail "hey, saw this, thought of you" type thing.
posted by owlrigh at 5:24 PM on December 15, 2016
« Older Renting a car. Which insurance do I want? | eBay Cell Phone purchase - What do I need to do to... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by alchemist at 8:21 AM on December 9, 2016 [10 favorites]