Ideas for how to practice receiving criticism

December 6, 2016 6:37 PM

The best way to get better at something is to practice. I'd like to get better at handling criticism and rejection. What are some good ways to practice that?

Obviously, one way would be to just try getting better at handling all the day-to-day interactions that involve various forms of criticism (real or perceived). I'm looking for suggestions for more structured activities that could ideally be done online and in more measured doses, as a sort of exposure therapy.

Just posting this question might be a good example! What if no one responds? That means no one liked it! Deal with that, sucker!

My first idea was to do write terrible poems and find some online poetry criticism group. Unfortunately, apparently no one wants to read bad poetry for free, even if you volunteer to read some yourself. However, there seem to be a number of online short fiction criticism web sites, so that might be a viable option.

In real life, Toastmasters seems like it would be another structured way to hit the same buttons.

Any other ideas?

posted by nthing to Human Relations (27 answers total)

Best answer: Edit Wikipedia? Phone-bank for a cause you care about? Anything involving foreign languages?
posted by yarntheory at 6:42 PM on December 6, 2016 [2 favorites]

I think the writer's group idea is a good one, although my guess is that it'd be more helpful for your project to do that in real life rather than online.
posted by Sublimity at 7:02 PM on December 6, 2016

Learn to program. The compiler will continually tell you that you're doing it wrong, and once you have some experience you can join an open source project where people are known to be bad at providing constructive criticism.
posted by asphericalcow at 7:17 PM on December 6, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I don't know if the solution to this is necessarily about putting yourself through experiences of receiving criticism as much as it might be about working towards a world view that puts less of a premium on others' opinions and validation. I say this because the example you provide in your post ("no one responds? ...") isn't even a situation in which criticism is asked for or provided-- and yet you categorize it as such because what you are really saying, I think, is that you care about others' opinions and find it difficult to take them in stride when they aren't positive. This isn't entirely about practice.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 7:19 PM on December 6, 2016 [8 favorites]

For the criticism part you could learn to play an instrument, take up ballet, or learn photography, drawing, sculpture etc. in a structured environment i.e. a class you pay for.

To experience rejection, you can start auditioning for orchestras, performances, and sending your work to juried art shows. If writing (poetry) is more your thing, you could begin applying to artist in residence programs and send your work to literary magazines. They are pretty selective so you are unlikely to be chosen, but you might just experience rejection without an explanation or critique. OTOH maybe you are more talented than you think, and you will be accepted, and then you will be on your way to notoriety, how great would that be?

If you really want a master's class in graciously accepting criticism, enroll for an architecture degree.
posted by the offing at 7:21 PM on December 6, 2016 [3 favorites]

Make a youtube channel and upload videos of yourself regularly. One of two things will happen:

- Nobody will notice or ever watch your videos. Constant rejection every time you look at your number of views!

or

- People will watch your videos and find something mean to say about them. Trust me, unless you're a kitten or Betty White, this will happen.

None of the above will supply you with *useful* criticism, however.

I'd agree with the writer's group, but I'm a writer who is part of such a group, and we're honestly really gentle to each other about criticism. Usually the critique phase of bringing something new to a meeting is called "notes", not criticism, and all but the nastiest people will try to at least use the hamburger method of framing criticism between some nice things. Also, this form of criticism is much more about useful things you could work on or change in the piece, and less "let me tell you why this isn't good". Most of the time I come away from my writers' group pretty happy with what I was told. Recently I came away feeling really down about something and it was much more like "OK so this piece needs a page one rewrite" and less like "Everyone hates my writing."

Also writers' groups REALLY don't like it when people can't take such gentle critique, which means that if this is an area where you need a lot of help, you might burn bridges faster than you build a thicker skin.
posted by Sara C. at 7:23 PM on December 6, 2016

An alternative to writing is to take art classes. You can start with hobby groups (even online hobby groups or classes!) where there's tons of encouragement and work your way into more serious classes. I went to art school and it really toughened me up (in a good way!). Some disciplines will have a fair amount of technical feedback built in e.g. ceramics breaking in the kiln if you make something too thin. Me mail me for specific recommendations.
posted by jrobin276 at 7:40 PM on December 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

Pick an instrument and take lessons. Music lessons are 5% praise and 95% constructive criticism.
posted by fox problems at 8:16 PM on December 6, 2016

Take an art class at a nearby uni or college. Something like Painting 101. The class critques will definitely acclimate you to criticism, and also teach you to defend yourself intelligently.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:23 PM on December 6, 2016

Here to second your mention of Toastmasters, which really helped me. Sure, you receive feedback and criticism, but what really helped me put receiving criticism in a better perspective was practicing giving feedback. The more I learned about and practiced giving other toastmasters verbal feedback to their face, the more I realized getting criticized isn't as big of a deal as I thought it was. I realized my feedback was very much my perspective to offer this person. When I give an evaluation I want to offer the person information to improve when they are ready. And I want to provide it in a way that's as helpful and positive as possible. This helped me see that when people are jerks when criticizing others, it's more about them than the person receiving the criticism. I admire anyone who is out in the world doing their best and taking risks.

Good luck with whatever you decide to try!
posted by river99 at 8:35 PM on December 6, 2016 [8 favorites]

Take an improv or acting class! Performance disciplines are full of feedback, so not only will you get feedback but you can watch others' work and see how the feedback they get relates to what they did (which can help depersonalize it for you), and you can see how they take feedback too, which is also instructive. Performing arts instructors tend to be very keen-eyed and articulate - yet supportive - when giving feedback.

You can even take it a step further by pulling the teacher aside after the first day, and letting them know that learning to take feedback well is part of your aim for the class, and let them know that not only are you interested in feedback on your improv, but along the way if they have any feedback on how you take feedback, you'd welcome that too. I teach acting and improv, and would be more than happy to give clear, supportive feedback along these lines. And MOST - not all - acting teachers love acting and want to help you. A few are megalomaniacs who teach from a place of ego- but they're not that common, and word of mouth should help you avoid them.

"Taking a note" is a big part of conservatory-style acting classes or professional rehearsals. The general etiquette when notes are being communicated is to sit up straight, make eye contact, listen attentively and receptively, take physical notes, ask clarifying questions if needed, but sparingly, definitely refrain from justifying your own choices or arguing with the director, say "thank you", and then, at the earliest opportunity, try the new suggestion with enthusiasm, precision, and in good faith. After trying it out as best you can, if something still feels off, it's then ok to ask more questions or perhaps to diplomatically counter the suggestion, although preferably not during group time.

Taking notes in acting class can feel very personal - because the acting is YOU, even more so than a painting or story would be - so I think it's a great way for you to tackle this (brave, awesome) objective. Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:35 PM on December 6, 2016 [9 favorites]

Job hunting.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:49 PM on December 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'd like to get better at handling criticism and rejection. What are some good ways to practice that?

Things I have learned from going from someone who suffered enormously from feedback anxiety, to someone who comfortably and confidently accepts and provides criticism, feedback and assessment.

Don't practice on yourself. What I mean is, don't continuously judge and criticise yourself. That won't help at all.
Do put yourself in a situation where something you produce: a creative/intelectual or performative production, can be assessed by someone whose judgement you respect.

When this person or group of people critique your production, keep this in mind: The is about my work, not me. These people appreciate me enough that they are willing to spend their time to help me learn. Then as they are responding, open up your heart to their kindness.

I'm currently undertaking a six-week professional practicum where it's my supervisor's job to find faults in my practice and identify gaps in skills and knowledge. It's been a mutually satisfying engagement because I am open to and grateful for their feedback. I show my gratitude through active listening, and enacting their suggestions. I have encountered previous supervisors who made their feedback about me (or them), not my work. Trying to 'handle rejection and criticism' in that situation was soul crushing.

Oh, and don't write terrible poems just so you can get used to people telling you they are terrible. Write the best poems you can, cook the best meal you can, be the best you that you can, and then have high standards about whose criticism you deem worthy of listening to. Become discerning and don't be afraid to critique your critics.
posted by Thella at 11:54 PM on December 6, 2016 [5 favorites]

Another vote for Toastmasters! A huge part of each meeting is dedicated to giving and receiving feedback.
posted by potrzebie at 12:09 AM on December 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: what you are really saying, I think, is that you care about others' opinions and find it difficult to take them in stride when they aren't positive. This isn't entirely about practice.

This. If you are hard-wired to feel personally wounded (disproportionately?) when criticism/rejection occurs, then looking for more and more rejection experiences in order to get better at managing your feelings may not be the optimal solution.

We hurt when we're criticized/rejected because it makes us feel devalued. Like we aren't good enough. Like we aren't worthy of love or appreciation. Lots of factors produce the reaction we call "feeling rejection." Many of those factors are person-specific, with very deep, often obscure roots. Simply applying the "I'll engineer more rejection experiences in hopes I build up a resistance" tactic may be more harmful than beneficial. There is self-discovery involved. Part of the "learning to handle rejection" process is to figure out why it hits you so hard, and why it hurts so much sometimes, and not others. Progress toward self-awareness in this area may require the assistance of a therapist.

Also, "practicing rejection" may defeat the purpose. By definition, "practicing" implies low stakes. There is a detachment in the artifice of "practicing" that seems to indicate that no matter how much you practice rejection, as soon as real rejection hits the next time, you'll be just as unprepared as ever. That's why the truer solution is to deal with the problem, not the symptom. And that may not be something you can do effectively alone.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 2:11 AM on December 7, 2016 [6 favorites]

That's not to say, don't try Toastmasters or improv or any of the great suggestions posted here. But along with that, find resources to help you understand and manage the experiences, and navigate the deeper feelings and insights. Just like any training or conditioning process, this type of 'practice' needs a good coach to guide you along and help keep you on track, prevent injury and help you progress toward your goals.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 2:16 AM on December 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

On the performance route I think clowning is the best type of workshop for this particular skill. You can do beginners clown workshops.

I say this because a clown performs very directly for the audience (there's no fourth wall) and has to acknowledge their failures directly and joyfully. Even in improv, although you fail all the time, you try to fix the problem rather than acknowledge you're "in the shit."

The caveat here is that clowning has the potential to be really crushing, on the other hand it's about having loads of fun.
posted by Erberus at 3:20 AM on December 7, 2016

Lol if you want nonstop negative feedback get a Ph.D. and watch your ego be blown to smithereens.

But seriously, while this isn't along the lines of improv, I find the way Julia Cameron talks about criticism in the Artists Way to be really healthy. Not all criticism is good, or coming from a place of love, and I think getting right with yourself about that FIRST while help you get more out of whatever crits you find yourself a part of.
posted by athirstforsalt at 3:34 AM on December 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Please read "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown - she has great concepts around how to be discerning in what criticism you take on board and what you dismiss.
posted by Chrysalis at 4:11 AM on December 7, 2016 [4 favorites]

Learn to play the guitar.
posted by John Cohen at 11:01 AM on December 7, 2016

Best answer: Become a rejection ambassador!
posted by eau79 at 12:25 PM on December 7, 2016

What kind of issues do you have around rejection and criticism? Do you get defensive and lash out, or do you tend to take it to heart and think it means there's no use in trying ... ? How does your current response to rejection and criticism hold you back from your goals?

I got better at this (I'm still not great) mostly through (paid) work. I learned to stifle my initial reaction of defensiveness, say something like "thanks for your feedback, you've given me a lot to think about" and then cope with my feelings in private, and implement whatever changes made sense based on the feedback.

It helped to admit to myself that it was okay for me to make mistakes and to not be perfect. And it helped to know that acknowledging mistakes makes me look more like (and be) the mature professional I want to be.

I haven't found that it's carried over to every other area of my life, though. Hence all my questions above - if this is causing problems for you in a specific area of your life, you might need to work on it there. (My experience is not your experience, YMMV).
posted by bunderful at 2:11 PM on December 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

I've written ~100k words of flash fiction for a critique thread on the somethingawful forums and the one ironclad rule is that you don't respond to the (routinely brutal) crits with anything except 'thanks'. It's actually still really hard, tbh, but it's the best way to do it because it doesn't matter what people should have felt (which is what you're desperately tempted to explain) it matters what people did feel.
posted by Sebmojo at 7:00 PM on December 7, 2016

You know, it's gonna depend on person and situation. Some people are reasonable at giving criticism and some are not and some will GamerGate on you. I find it easier to accept reasonable criticism, especially if it's constructive and explains what it is and how you can fix it as opposed to, "I just don't like it, fix it." You can deal with that. What sucks is unrelenting nitpicking criticism that makes you feel like you can do nothing right, or the vague unhelpful-yet-makes-you-feel-bad shit, or yelling.

There's plenty of places to get criticism as long as you put your work out so at least one other person sees it, though.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:50 PM on December 7, 2016

One of the ways I've come to take criticism less personally/as offence has actually been in getting promoted to a position of leadership and seeing how much people complain, all the time, about things that are sometimes ridiculous, sometimes partially valid, and pretty rarely, totally sound.

This has helped me see that this kind of feedback is pretty normal and not very noteworthy, and I've also gotten pretty good at defusing it/dealing with it.

I realise this is probably not a solution as such, but it is an example of kind of seeing more of it and then feeling less of it. I think seeing it applied to people I know are totally competent has just normalised it and I see it as an understandable anxiety and sometimes just a lack of understanding, the dealing with which is just part of my job.

So I guess I'm saying- some version of this can work I think, by maybe a less masochistic version!
posted by jojobobo at 10:31 PM on December 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

Take a class at Art Center. The legendary Roland Young is gone, but there's plenty of folks carrying his mantle.
posted by culfinglin at 1:56 PM on December 8, 2016

Response by poster: Thanks for all the great responses. I actually attended a Toastmaster session today and will be signing up for that. (I love how everyone clapped for everything!) Volunteering for a phone bank seems like it could be both socially useful and a source of a lot of immediate feedback, which could be good or bad, but worth a try.

And thanks especially for the comments about investing too much of my self-worth in other people's opinions. That's very perceptive and I'm working on that also. The key primary skill, I think, is developing the ability to have more emotional self-awareness; starting with that and a strong sense of what I value, I believe that I can develop all the other skills that are essential for connectedness, empathy, and dealing with the world in an adult frame of mind.

You all are awesome.
posted by nthing at 7:21 PM on December 8, 2016