Like mosquito bites, but with memories.
December 4, 2016 12:05 AM   Subscribe

I can't seem to stop my mind from briefly, randomly replaying uncomfortable or unhappy moments. It's as if my mind is continually searching through the archives of my life and finding little moments when I've let someone down or didn't quite do the right thing. This isn't a negative chain of thought, like CBT might address, nor is it obsessive, as the memories are almost never the same ones, nor is it constant - these randomly negative memories often "appear" out of nowhere and then disappear almost immediately, even when everything else is fine. These thoughts are all about me very slightly wronging others, but not the other way around, and aren't really deeply traumatic memories like with PTSD. They're happening more and more. Have you experienced this? What worked for you?

I understand and agree that a general lessening of stress, a good diet and exercise will generally help will this sort of thing, but it seems like it's gotten past that point, and this has been an ongoing issue even after several positive life changes over the past few years. I'm particularly interested if you've experienced this, sought psychiatric help, and found a particular treatment or medication that was effective.
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (13 answers total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
 
If this isn't fairly normal, I wouldn't know, because it's certainly familiar and routine inside my head. I sometimes feel like it's just a matter of getting older and developing my own Vygotskyan inner speech based on a lifetime of mild social awkwardness and internal post-mortems of minor social errors. I guess I can recommend Brené Brown's talks/books on shame as good descriptions of how to talk yourself out of feelings of shame, and I think it helps to spend less time with acquaintances and more time with really good friends you trust to forgive you and to validate you. Other than that, I think getting older, seeing others make mistakes that are so easy to ignore, and learning to view my post-mortems of my own errors as a sort of comedy I can lol at, however uneasily, does help.
posted by Wobbuffet at 1:07 AM on December 4, 2016 [8 favorites]


Yeah, as a data point this happens to me all the time. I do try CBT style to just remind myself that the past is the past and whoever else was involved has probably long forgotten it; or alternatively redirecting my attention somewhere else. Being human is weird.
posted by AV at 5:26 AM on December 4, 2016 [8 favorites]


This is an opportunity for you to do some emotional self-regulation (see recent post on the blue). You regret your past actions and need to tolerate your feelings about it. And you might want to ask those you've let down to forgive you and learn to accept your feelings about this as well (including gratitude if they forgive you.)
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:06 AM on December 4, 2016


As a therapist, if a client came to me with something like this, I'd want to work on separating out healthy guilt (that is, a recognition that they did something that went against their values and should work on atoning for it in ways that make sense) from unhealthy shame (that is, patterns of thought/feeling that might be keeping the client trapped in old scripts from the past about their own worthiness that are getting re-triggered for whatever reason now). I would also note (without making assumptions about your own situation) that it's very common for such old scripts to be triggered when people with abuse in their past make positive changes in their lives, because such changes can trigger old insecurities.

You could maybe work on unraveling that yourself, but this would also be totally appropriate to talk to a therapist about.
posted by lazuli at 8:08 AM on December 4, 2016 [3 favorites]


well, i have this too. i've taken to muttering a particular swear word under my breath as i dismiss whatever / whoever involved, and move on. maybe that sounds trivial, but having an actual process, a thing to do, even one as trivial as that, seems to help.
posted by andrewcooke at 9:02 AM on December 4, 2016 [3 favorites]


My guess is that these memories recur precisely because they are negative and stressful, so one way of stopping them from recurring is to change the story you tell yourself about them.

Instead of thinking, "Oh dear, that time I borrowed my mom's car without permission and then dented it, that was so shameful!" you might tell yourself something like, "Oh yes, the time I dented mom's car... I shouldn't have borrowed it without permission, but I was young and foolish, and I did apologise afterwards. The dent was just an accident and I didn't mean to do it, because I know that I am a kind and decent person, and I learnt from my mistake and haven't borrowed her car without asking since. What is important isn't that I made a mistake, but that I learnt from it."

Be kind to yourself. Everyone has done things wrong in the past, but remember that you are just as deserving of kindness as the people you've hurt. If you have unresolved guilt, try making amends now, even if it's years later. You'll probably find that the people you've wronged think a lot less about what you've don't wrong than you do.

These intrusive thoughts have a lot of energy, but their energy comes from the negative way you view them. If you can refigure them as positive events - opportunities to learn and grow, understandable mistakes, the kind of inevitable difficulties that all people must go through - then you cut off their energy supply, and they will wither and die accordingly.

Good luck!
posted by matthew.alexander at 9:34 AM on December 4, 2016 [5 favorites]


i've been thinking about this some more (you have me worried now :) and i am pretty sure it started when i had a particularly stressful time some 4 years ago. i also think it's been getting less bad recently (something i have just realised, on recalling how things were back then). so perhaps that's a rough timescale for whatever it is, if you can identify some similar trigger event.

also, as you describe, these are all minor/trivial. i've certainly dealt with more major issues as described up thread (by thinking them over and understanding what happened). these, however, seem too small and numerous to be dealt with in the same way.

sometimes it helps to recite the incantation with some gusto: "thingy faced things from thingistan." dismiss them with zest and move on.
posted by andrewcooke at 12:04 PM on December 4, 2016


You are definitely not alone in this. It happens to me and pretty much everyone I know. The best is that it happens for me every goddamn night as I am trying to fall asleep - bam! Memory of something that happened 20 years ago that was cringe-worthy embarrassing or where I did something truly terrible. Uggggh.

In any case, I have been through years of therapy and medications and the #1 thing that works for me is to immediately yell inside my own brain STOP IT. I don't know why this works for me but it does. ymmv.
posted by joan_holloway at 12:41 PM on December 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


Do you have other types of anxiety? For me this is definitely a manifestation of my anxiety. I'd call them intrusive thoughts. I also find it helps to yell at myself to stop it. And honestly, knowing that it's just my anxiety acting up and not an indication that I'm a terrible, awful person really helps.
posted by radioamy at 12:51 PM on December 4, 2016 [1 favorite]


A friend of mine has decided to name the part of her consciousness that bugs her with worries and shitty memories. She has named it Sheena and whenever she gets those thoughts, she derisively/humourously tells that part of her brain to SHUT UP, SHEENA.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:04 PM on December 4, 2016


"All my life I've been visited by unexpected flashes of memory unrelated to anything taking place at the moment."
    -- Roger Ebert

posted by Rash at 8:36 PM on December 5, 2016


I hate those thoughts that give me adrenaline shots. I also to speak to my part of the brain that brings up those memories and say "Ahh shut it you twit" :-). Then I think about Pumbaa from the Lion King, when he's talking to Simba who is wracked with guild about causing the death of his father. Pumbaa says earnestly "you got to put your behind in your past". Silly, but always brightens my mood.
posted by guy72277 at 1:27 AM on December 6, 2016


I've experienced this for years. The only thing I've found that works is putting a rubber band on my wrist. When one of these interludes occurs, I snap the rubber band to force myself back into the present moment. For something so simple, it's been astonishingly effective.
posted by scrump at 5:03 PM on December 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


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