How do I politely decline going to a wedding?
October 29, 2016 1:36 AM Subscribe
I don’t want to go to the wedding of a formerly close friend. What’s an acceptable way to decline (and am I overthinking this)?
Details, details...we were very close friend for 6 years (we've known each other for about 12 years but it was only slightly more recently we were BBFs; close as in we talked constantly, consulted each other on any type of life issue - relationships, family, work; spent 1 or 2 nights a week out together), then 2 years ago he went off the radar when he met his gf/now fiancé. Since that time, we’ve barely talked (the last text conversation was back in July) and rarely seen each other (we’ve gone out for a drink 3 times in 2 years). Now I wasn't surprised that we started spending less time together when he met her but to be so thoroughly iced out was hurtful...I mentioned how I felt once and he didn't acknowledge it so I stopped trying to make much of an effort long ago.
So now I’ve been invited to the wedding, which is out of state (and I don’t own a car), and is 2 weeks after the holidays, in January. There are a zillion other little lame reasons I don’t feel like going (includ. no “plus 1 invite” – which is the worst reason, I know! I’ve gone to plenty of other weddings without but we don’t have any good mutual friends that would be there). I feel like going to the wedding would amount to little more than “showing my face”; to do so at such expense and effort, I’m not sure I owe him that at this point. I would like to send this RSVP back with a no, as soon as possible (the invite came today).
Would following up the RSVP with my own card (expressing regret that I won’t be able to make it, but would like to celebrate with them some time after (would I really? Eh. But I will offer at some point, it’s not entirely a hollow promise)), as well as a gift be totally reasonable? I’d rather not have to make up an excuse (and would leave the card vague enough) but I’m worried I might get called out on why I can’t make it. I don’t really know if there’s much more friendship to be had here, considering how little we’ve had to do with each other for about 2 years now, so maybe I'm making this out to be a bigger deal than I think? I guess I'm looking for reassurance that this isn't in any way offensive to decline the invite and that I'm somewhat in the right for not wanting to go, is all. Snowflake problems.
Details, details...we were very close friend for 6 years (we've known each other for about 12 years but it was only slightly more recently we were BBFs; close as in we talked constantly, consulted each other on any type of life issue - relationships, family, work; spent 1 or 2 nights a week out together), then 2 years ago he went off the radar when he met his gf/now fiancé. Since that time, we’ve barely talked (the last text conversation was back in July) and rarely seen each other (we’ve gone out for a drink 3 times in 2 years). Now I wasn't surprised that we started spending less time together when he met her but to be so thoroughly iced out was hurtful...I mentioned how I felt once and he didn't acknowledge it so I stopped trying to make much of an effort long ago.
So now I’ve been invited to the wedding, which is out of state (and I don’t own a car), and is 2 weeks after the holidays, in January. There are a zillion other little lame reasons I don’t feel like going (includ. no “plus 1 invite” – which is the worst reason, I know! I’ve gone to plenty of other weddings without but we don’t have any good mutual friends that would be there). I feel like going to the wedding would amount to little more than “showing my face”; to do so at such expense and effort, I’m not sure I owe him that at this point. I would like to send this RSVP back with a no, as soon as possible (the invite came today).
Would following up the RSVP with my own card (expressing regret that I won’t be able to make it, but would like to celebrate with them some time after (would I really? Eh. But I will offer at some point, it’s not entirely a hollow promise)), as well as a gift be totally reasonable? I’d rather not have to make up an excuse (and would leave the card vague enough) but I’m worried I might get called out on why I can’t make it. I don’t really know if there’s much more friendship to be had here, considering how little we’ve had to do with each other for about 2 years now, so maybe I'm making this out to be a bigger deal than I think? I guess I'm looking for reassurance that this isn't in any way offensive to decline the invite and that I'm somewhat in the right for not wanting to go, is all. Snowflake problems.
You are overthinking. It's fine to decline, just do it as soon as you can so they can invite someone else. A card and a gift would be lovely but not necessary.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 1:59 AM on October 29, 2016 [21 favorites]
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 1:59 AM on October 29, 2016 [21 favorites]
then 2 years ago he went off the radar when he met his gf/now fiancé. Since that time, we’ve barely talked (the last text conversation was back in July) and rarely seen each other (we’ve gone out for a drink 3 times in 2 years) [...] So now I’ve been invited to the wedding, which is out of state (and I don’t own a car), and is 2 weeks after the holidays, in January.
I wouldn't go.
Something a friend once said: "You can only really keep two real friendships going at any one time. Everybody else is either family, a neighbor, a friend-of-a-friend, or something to do with work." We lost touch. Nothing personal.
posted by philip-random at 2:17 AM on October 29, 2016 [6 favorites]
I wouldn't go.
Something a friend once said: "You can only really keep two real friendships going at any one time. Everybody else is either family, a neighbor, a friend-of-a-friend, or something to do with work." We lost touch. Nothing personal.
posted by philip-random at 2:17 AM on October 29, 2016 [6 favorites]
It is an invitation, not an obligation. Just RSVP no and send a present.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:28 AM on October 29, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 2:28 AM on October 29, 2016 [9 favorites]
Just RSVP "no"
posted by esto-again at 2:34 AM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by esto-again at 2:34 AM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
It being out of state is a perfect excuse. People decline to go to weddings for less all the time. A card and a nice sentiment is a very fine thing to do. Especially given that if they weren't getting married right now you wouldn't be hearing from him at all.
posted by bleep at 3:00 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by bleep at 3:00 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
You didn't even have to include your explanation. You are under no obligation to attend his wedding. At this point, after being iced for two years, you are just a warm body and a gift to him. Sorry to be blunt but since has no desire to continue your friendship, there is no reason why you should go, out of state or not, car or not, +1 or not.
posted by the webmistress at 4:13 AM on October 29, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by the webmistress at 4:13 AM on October 29, 2016 [11 favorites]
Overthinking. Decline, RSVP = no, gift is up to you. Life goes on.
posted by fixedgear at 4:51 AM on October 29, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by fixedgear at 4:51 AM on October 29, 2016 [14 favorites]
It's totally fine to say no.
That said, you're complaining that they don't do things with you, and they've now just invited you to perhaps the biggest event of their life... and you're passing on the chance to go. Don't overlook the irony in that.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:15 AM on October 29, 2016 [8 favorites]
That said, you're complaining that they don't do things with you, and they've now just invited you to perhaps the biggest event of their life... and you're passing on the chance to go. Don't overlook the irony in that.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:15 AM on October 29, 2016 [8 favorites]
What? It's not like they are going to spend any time at all with the OP at the wedding. Wedding invitations are not sent because the betrothed want to spend quality time with the guest.
RSVP with your regrets. No gift is necessary.
posted by sockermom at 5:46 AM on October 29, 2016 [16 favorites]
RSVP with your regrets. No gift is necessary.
posted by sockermom at 5:46 AM on October 29, 2016 [16 favorites]
It's fine to say no. However, you may want to consider whether the invitation arises out of regret you've lost touch and a wish to resume social relations rather than being merely perfunctory. Obviously, you are not going to be spending quality time together at the wedding, but it could be a gesture towards the future. But you are the person best placed to judge the possibility of that, and also to weigh how hurt you'd be if you attended and then afterwards were iced out again against that possibility.
posted by praemunire at 6:20 AM on October 29, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 6:20 AM on October 29, 2016 [6 favorites]
I'm just going to jump in here and also say it's perfectelly fine to say no. You don't need an excuse, but you can make one up if it makes you feel better.
That said, I hate going to weddings, especially if it's only acquaintances who are getting hitched.
posted by james33 at 6:28 AM on October 29, 2016
That said, I hate going to weddings, especially if it's only acquaintances who are getting hitched.
posted by james33 at 6:28 AM on October 29, 2016
I'd think of going to honor the friendship that was, which sounds like it was a really good one. Remember too that the flush of a new romance, and a wedding, doesn't last forever and what was once a great connection could become one again (I've sort of gone through this in similar circumstances - who knows where you'll be, or want to be, in five or ten years?)
The various oversights might just be that (ie., the plus one part), it's easy to take the worst interpretation in a text message especially in a frayed relationship.
Rare friendships are rare, this might not be a bridge you want to burn, you know? I'm not saying go, per se, but that you might want to make it clear that you remember the friends you once were. Heck, maybe this is a reaching out, and your doing something like that might make a connection.
posted by emmet at 7:25 AM on October 29, 2016 [5 favorites]
The various oversights might just be that (ie., the plus one part), it's easy to take the worst interpretation in a text message especially in a frayed relationship.
Rare friendships are rare, this might not be a bridge you want to burn, you know? I'm not saying go, per se, but that you might want to make it clear that you remember the friends you once were. Heck, maybe this is a reaching out, and your doing something like that might make a connection.
posted by emmet at 7:25 AM on October 29, 2016 [5 favorites]
Honestly, a wedding where he's going to have a million people to talk to and a million balls to juggle is not the place to reconnect anyway. (We explicitly told our out-of-state friends that, while we'd love to have them, if they wanted actual hangout time they should come visit separately.) Just say you can't make it, send a gift and a card, and it'll be totally fine.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:27 AM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 7:27 AM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
It's out of state - bride and groom are perfectly aware that many people won't be able to make it for that reason alone. They might have even done it on purpose, less people attend = cheaper.
Reconnect some other time (IF you want). You're fine.
posted by Neekee at 8:48 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Reconnect some other time (IF you want). You're fine.
posted by Neekee at 8:48 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
It's okay to say no, but if it were me I would be mortally offended and it would permanently affect my view of you unless there were mitigating circumstances. In my book, you look at the entire twelve years, not just the last two where the person is in a new relationship and kind of consumed by it.
For many people in many cultures, getting invited to the wedding is a way of saying "I consider you a very important friend and expect to continue the friendship." The only acceptable reasons not to attend are poverty or inability to get off work. If either of those apply, I would play those up.
posted by corb at 8:56 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
For many people in many cultures, getting invited to the wedding is a way of saying "I consider you a very important friend and expect to continue the friendship." The only acceptable reasons not to attend are poverty or inability to get off work. If either of those apply, I would play those up.
posted by corb at 8:56 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also, I think it's more common these days to only offer a plus-1 to people in committed, serious relationships.
posted by corb at 8:58 AM on October 29, 2016
posted by corb at 8:58 AM on October 29, 2016
So, RSVP no, and preview a couple of reasons so you will be prepared to answer as to why. Don't offfer them now, just keep them in reserve. It will help if your reasons are close to truthful....
I just couldn't get time off to travel.
I have some family responsibilities that kept me at home.
I've already made travel plans for that weekend that I can't change.
That's my busiest time at work and I can't get away.
Whatever works for you.
posted by raisingsand at 9:16 AM on October 29, 2016
I just couldn't get time off to travel.
I have some family responsibilities that kept me at home.
I've already made travel plans for that weekend that I can't change.
That's my busiest time at work and I can't get away.
Whatever works for you.
posted by raisingsand at 9:16 AM on October 29, 2016
I’m worried I might get called out on why I can’t make it.
This might happen if you were the groom's sibling, parent, or child. Otherwise, no. An invitation is an invitation and creates no obligation. The card you suggest is totally nice, and will make him think you want to resume the friendship. If that actually is what you want, send the card. If not, just decline the invitation, handwrite on the RSVP card "so sorry I can't make it," done.
posted by escabeche at 9:25 AM on October 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
This might happen if you were the groom's sibling, parent, or child. Otherwise, no. An invitation is an invitation and creates no obligation. The card you suggest is totally nice, and will make him think you want to resume the friendship. If that actually is what you want, send the card. If not, just decline the invitation, handwrite on the RSVP card "so sorry I can't make it," done.
posted by escabeche at 9:25 AM on October 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
It would be kind to send a gift along with your "can't make it" RSVP note. Not necessary, but kind, and keeps door open to friendship later on. A decline with no gift feels like a rebuff to me.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:55 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:55 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yes, I should have made clear that you still send a gift, and that sending a gift doesn't in any way commit you to reopening the friendship.
The points corb and Rock 'em Sock 'em make are good ones. I have no acquaintance with that way of viewing a wedding, but it exists, and if you think your formerly close friend's cultural situation is such that he would be badly hurt by your not being at his wedding, then my advice not to sweat it might not have been so great.
posted by escabeche at 10:12 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
The points corb and Rock 'em Sock 'em make are good ones. I have no acquaintance with that way of viewing a wedding, but it exists, and if you think your formerly close friend's cultural situation is such that he would be badly hurt by your not being at his wedding, then my advice not to sweat it might not have been so great.
posted by escabeche at 10:12 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Simply decline, with no reason given, since a reason is not needed.
I swear, the last taboo is not cannibalism but admitting that most weddings are a blistering drag.
posted by BostonTerrier at 10:13 AM on October 29, 2016 [7 favorites]
I swear, the last taboo is not cannibalism but admitting that most weddings are a blistering drag.
posted by BostonTerrier at 10:13 AM on October 29, 2016 [7 favorites]
If you want to be friends with him in the future, consider going. If you are pretty sure the friendship has run its course, no matter what he might do in the future, decline. It could be a situation like corb describes where he still considers you a close friend despite barely talking to you, or it could be an obligatory "we're not NOT friends" invite. So decide based on how YOU want the friendship to continue.
posted by MsMolly at 10:16 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by MsMolly at 10:16 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Decline, don't give an excuse, send a card if you want to leave the door to friendship open.
There is one person I invited to my wedding who declined and to whom I no longer speak. (Other people declined and it was fine.) This person gave a really terrible excuse and made it all about how his life was so exciting and then never even sent a card. We had seen one another often when we lived in the same city and stayed touch after, so it wasn't someone I hadn't seen in years. (All the people I hadn't seen in years came and it was great.) Anyways, if he had just declined, I would have been curious but I wouldn't have been in the position to judge his (to me very insulting) priorities and we might still be friends. So ... no reasons!
posted by dame at 10:45 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
There is one person I invited to my wedding who declined and to whom I no longer speak. (Other people declined and it was fine.) This person gave a really terrible excuse and made it all about how his life was so exciting and then never even sent a card. We had seen one another often when we lived in the same city and stayed touch after, so it wasn't someone I hadn't seen in years. (All the people I hadn't seen in years came and it was great.) Anyways, if he had just declined, I would have been curious but I wouldn't have been in the position to judge his (to me very insulting) priorities and we might still be friends. So ... no reasons!
posted by dame at 10:45 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
I’m worried I might get called out on why I can’t make it.
And if that happens just say you had other plans. Or skip the whole thing since the friendship seems on the decline anyhow. Apologies for making guesses, but this sounds a little like the typical "Close M/F friendship among cishet people goes sideways when M finds true love" trope. And if so, extra good idea not to go. Send best wishes and don't think twice about not going!
posted by jessamyn at 12:27 PM on October 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
And if that happens just say you had other plans. Or skip the whole thing since the friendship seems on the decline anyhow. Apologies for making guesses, but this sounds a little like the typical "Close M/F friendship among cishet people goes sideways when M finds true love" trope. And if so, extra good idea not to go. Send best wishes and don't think twice about not going!
posted by jessamyn at 12:27 PM on October 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
I agree with all the great advice above: just RSVP with regrets as soon as possible, and, if you want to keep the door open to a positive relationship in the future, send them a gift of some kind. It doesn't have to be huge. If you're asked about why you couldn't go, just say you already had other plans for that weekend. (Not a lie, since you might have had plans to stay home.)
posted by rpfields at 3:39 PM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by rpfields at 3:39 PM on October 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
RSVP with regrets as soon as possible
My sister is a wedding planner and, as such, an excellent source of protocol-related tips. She says: Declining (with our without an excuse) is absolutely no big deal, but the fastest way to ruin a friendship is to wait until the last minute to decline, and leave the bride and groom on the fence about whether they need to add you to their bar/catering headcount. RSVP immediately. You are not required to give an excuse. That said, the gift, should you decide to send it, can be sent any time over the next 12-18 months.
posted by thivaia at 7:23 AM on October 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
My sister is a wedding planner and, as such, an excellent source of protocol-related tips. She says: Declining (with our without an excuse) is absolutely no big deal, but the fastest way to ruin a friendship is to wait until the last minute to decline, and leave the bride and groom on the fence about whether they need to add you to their bar/catering headcount. RSVP immediately. You are not required to give an excuse. That said, the gift, should you decide to send it, can be sent any time over the next 12-18 months.
posted by thivaia at 7:23 AM on October 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
Everyone planning a wedding expects about 50-80% turnout because of travel, schedules, any number of reasons.
In Seinfeld lingo, it's the "unvitation."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:24 PM on October 30, 2016
In Seinfeld lingo, it's the "unvitation."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:24 PM on October 30, 2016
Just RSVP no. Dont give an excuse. A gift would be nice but not necessary. The gift would kind of keep the door open of you ever want to see him again in the future, but if you feel the friendship has run its course, I wouldn't send one.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:44 PM on October 30, 2016
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:44 PM on October 30, 2016
Given the context of the friendship, I think they sent you the invite out of obligation as well and will probably be ok with you declining (if not relieved to be honest).
posted by like_neon at 4:10 AM on October 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by like_neon at 4:10 AM on October 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
RSVP no. People who are saying that this will somehow be the nail in the coffin of your friendship have it backwards.
It's on the person getting married to invite their used-to-be-close-now-grown/growing-apart friends. It really is a snub to not being invited to the wedding of an old friend.
But, wedding dates are planned for the convenience of the married couple, not for the guests. There's lots of perfectly good reasons why any invitee, no matter how close the friendship/family relationship, might not be able to make it to a wedding.
How do I politely decline going to a wedding?
RSVP "No" in whatever manner the couple has indicated (postcard? website?)
Would following up the RSVP with my own card (expressing regret that I won’t be able to make it, but would like to celebrate with them some time after (would I really? Eh. But I will offer at some point, it’s not entirely a hollow promise)), as well as a gift be totally reasonable?
These are perfectly good instincts. I'd RSVP no now, and follow up with a card (do you send holiday/new year cards? the timing would be right) in late December/Early Jan wishing them a happy new year and luck for their new lives together. Gift is not necessary, but you know it will be appreciated so that's up to you.
If you want to be the bigger person here and try to rekindle the friendship: In late Feb/Early March, invite the wedded couple to your house for dinner (or, maybe take them out for dinner if you don't want to host/don't live near each other). Basically, make an affirmative effort to show that you want to be a friend to the couple. After that -- I'd say the ball is in your friend's court, if he ices you out again, I'd say he isn't worth your time.
posted by sparklemotion at 7:55 AM on October 31, 2016
It's on the person getting married to invite their used-to-be-close-now-grown/growing-apart friends. It really is a snub to not being invited to the wedding of an old friend.
But, wedding dates are planned for the convenience of the married couple, not for the guests. There's lots of perfectly good reasons why any invitee, no matter how close the friendship/family relationship, might not be able to make it to a wedding.
How do I politely decline going to a wedding?
RSVP "No" in whatever manner the couple has indicated (postcard? website?)
Would following up the RSVP with my own card (expressing regret that I won’t be able to make it, but would like to celebrate with them some time after (would I really? Eh. But I will offer at some point, it’s not entirely a hollow promise)), as well as a gift be totally reasonable?
These are perfectly good instincts. I'd RSVP no now, and follow up with a card (do you send holiday/new year cards? the timing would be right) in late December/Early Jan wishing them a happy new year and luck for their new lives together. Gift is not necessary, but you know it will be appreciated so that's up to you.
If you want to be the bigger person here and try to rekindle the friendship: In late Feb/Early March, invite the wedded couple to your house for dinner (or, maybe take them out for dinner if you don't want to host/don't live near each other). Basically, make an affirmative effort to show that you want to be a friend to the couple. After that -- I'd say the ball is in your friend's court, if he ices you out again, I'd say he isn't worth your time.
posted by sparklemotion at 7:55 AM on October 31, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
If this is a person you have seen 3 times in 2 years and who you barely talk to, then this person is not a close friend and you don't have to treat him as such.
posted by colfax at 1:47 AM on October 29, 2016 [69 favorites]