I accidentally named myself after an acquaintance. Help?

October 26, 2016 11:19 AM

I'm a recently-out trans woman. Early in my period of self-discovery I fell in love with the name "Heather," completely forgetting that I have an acquaintance with that name. She and I haven't talked in the past few months, but we live in the same apartment complex, so we run into each other every now and then. We're friends on facebook, so she's definitely seen my coming-out post by now. Is this even an issue? Do I bring it up, or just ignore it? If I say something, what should I say?
posted by brecc to Human Relations (35 answers total)

Best answer: As a Jennifer in a sea of Jennifers, I can guarantee you that you are not the only other Heather your Heather knows. They only had, like, 5 names for girls between 1970 and 1990, as far as I can tell.

It's really, really ok. Embrace your Heatherdom worry free!
posted by phunniemee at 11:23 AM on October 26, 2016 [95 favorites]

Agree with phunniemee -- I doubt she'll think twice about it.
posted by radioamy at 11:28 AM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

Unless you pick something bizarre and unusual, you are extraordinarily likely to know or encounter someone with that name. Heather is a totally normal name such that it is not unexpected to encounter other people with that name. This is absolutely no big deal, ignore it.
posted by brainmouse at 11:30 AM on October 26, 2016

She probably won't think twice about it, but on the off chance she does mention it, maybe be prepared with some OTHER heather who inspired you that you pulled the name from? That is what I would do, just in case.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:31 AM on October 26, 2016 [5 favorites]

Off the top of my head, I know three Heathers. (And there are probably more than I'm not thinking of.) It's not an issue. Remember they made a movie called Heathers - they wouldn't have done that with an uncommon name.
posted by madcaptenor at 11:36 AM on October 26, 2016 [19 favorites]

Because I am a child of the 80s with a dark sense of humor, if I were a mutual friend of yours, I'd probably tag you both in a post asking how you felt about classic Winona Ryder movies. So, maybe you could find a way to make a joke about that? (tread carefully, the potential to come off as deeply creepy with that kind of joke is high in these circumstances).

Otherwise, I'd ignore it. You're allowed to name yourself whatever you like. If she says anything to you besides "hey... nice choice in names" (or the like) she's being the horrible one.

Congrats on coming out!
posted by sparklemotion at 11:37 AM on October 26, 2016

If I say something, what should I say?

"Early in my period of self-discovery I fell in love with the name 'Heather,' completely forgetting that I have an acquaintance (you) with that name."
posted by ejs at 11:37 AM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

> "Early in my period of self-discovery I fell in love with the name 'Heather,' completely forgetting that I have an acquaintance (you) with that name."

This is cute but really not a good idea, since it basically says "You are so unimportant to me I forgot all about you." (Not saying that's the truth about the poster, but that's how she'd hear it.)
posted by languagehat at 11:39 AM on October 26, 2016 [17 favorites]

Our child has the same first and middle names as an acquaintance does for first and last names. I explained, half-jokingly, that although we (obviously) didn't name the child after him, he should at least take some pride in knowing that he didn't ruin the name for us.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 11:41 AM on October 26, 2016 [24 favorites]

"Obviously, it's the prettiest name a girl could have, right?"
posted by rokusan at 11:53 AM on October 26, 2016 [15 favorites]

This is cute but really not a good idea, since it basically says "You are so unimportant to me I forgot all about you."

Yeah, I was just trying to cutely say that Heather should just tell Heather what she told us, though of course more politely.
posted by ejs at 11:57 AM on October 26, 2016

Have you ever noticed that you can have two friends with the same name and not even realize it, and like, when you're talking about your weekend plans with your friend Howard to all of your coworkers at lunch one day they are all giving you weird looks because the first person who comes to mind for them when they hear the name Howard is the guy who takes care of all of the document services in the office? And you're like, whoa, it never really registered that he and my friend have the same name?

As you might guess, I have. I love rokusan's idea. But the importance will fade dramatically the longer you live the name.
posted by janey47 at 11:59 AM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

Heather is an absurdly common name. Unless you share the same surname, I highly doubt she'd even know that you named yourself "after" her. Just don't ever say anything. She's surely encountered people with the same name as her before.
posted by Sara C. at 12:06 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

Every time I meet a trans person who shares my first name, I am like !!!!yay!! I like the name, too!! So happy to share! :)

You don't need to explain your decision to anyone. But if it does come up and you want to, I think, "I've always loved the name" or similar should be just fine.
posted by bibliotropic at 12:17 PM on October 26, 2016 [3 favorites]

If she was named Silje or Jocasta or something equally uncommon, maybe you'd have an issue to consider discussing, but don't worry about picking Heather. It is a common name and there is a big difference between picking a name and then realizing you know someone with that name and naming yourself after a friend or acquaintance. Don't worry about this.
posted by Alluring Mouthbreather at 12:25 PM on October 26, 2016

The only concern I'd have is that she might think I named myself after her, or I'm attracted to her or something. But that's probably not an issue since this isn't Single White Female.
posted by AFABulous at 12:26 PM on October 26, 2016 [3 favorites]

As a parent who has named three children with relatively common names, nobody's feelings are ever hurt when you say, "Well it's just the most beautiful name, I fell in love with it." People are mostly pleased or even flattered that you liked their same name enough to use it.

You can also tell her, "Your parents had excellent taste!" with a laugh.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:36 PM on October 26, 2016

As someone with one of the other "only five girl names for girls born in the 1970s and 1980s", I think you're fine.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:36 PM on October 26, 2016 [6 favorites]

Hello. I'm Kimberly, possibly yet another one of the 5 names for girls at that time. I have a middle name that's one of three middle names for girls of that time. It's completely not a big deal. We are legion.
posted by kimberussell at 12:46 PM on October 26, 2016 [8 favorites]

My sister is named Heather and she's said many times how many Heathers she knows. To me it would only be awkward if the name were rather unique and your acquaintance could reasonably think they were the inspiration for your name.
posted by toomanycurls at 12:47 PM on October 26, 2016

What I do when I meet someone with my name. Tell her all the best people are called Heather.
posted by Jubey at 1:10 PM on October 26, 2016 [2 favorites]

I doubt it's ever going to come up. What's even weirder than you picking a common name that an acquaintance happens to have, is if that acquaintance assumed anyone in contact with her picked that common name specifically because of her.

It's a lovely name, I've met a few. I don't think you should worry.
posted by FirstMateKate at 1:23 PM on October 26, 2016 [2 favorites]

My name is so common it doesn't even register when I meet someone who shares my name.
posted by mchorn at 1:38 PM on October 26, 2016 [2 favorites]

You have a name in common, so at least you know each other if the mail goes astray. You both are personally attached to the name, so there is more name-love going on. It's all good, and not about her. My middlest has the same first name as my boss. Their parents and I like the name and it's meaning.
posted by childofTethys at 1:53 PM on October 26, 2016

Agreeing with the others that you won't be the first Heather she has met and that it is, indeed, a lovely name.

(However, if she weirds about this or you have second thoughts for other reasons, you are welcome to go with Bridget. Unless you hang out with a lot of Irish people, you aren't likely to run into many Bridgets.)
posted by she's not there at 2:07 PM on October 26, 2016

As other folks have said, it's really no big deal. Heather's a perfectly common (but lovely!) name, and I'm sure your neighbour won't think twice about you choosing it. If she's anywhere near my age, she was probably always Heather [Last Initial] through school anyhow. No need to address it. If she happens to bring it up, saying that you fell in love with the name early on and finally made the change would suffice.
posted by northernish at 2:36 PM on October 26, 2016

Hey, I'm the person on the other end of a similar situation.

I'm a woman with a very common first name. I have a distant acquaintance who is gender non-conforming, and has a traditionally male name, who I haven't talked to in about a year.

Recently I noticed that they had changed their name on Facebook to my first name. I was briefly amused/flattered... then I realized that it probably had absolutely nothing to do with me, and haven't really given it any thought since. Doesn't bother me or weird me out at all. So there you go.
posted by mekily at 2:47 PM on October 26, 2016 [16 favorites]

Years ago the people down the road named their dog my dog's name and I found out because their dog was not a good dog who came when called and my dog wouldn't either because she could hear all that across the acres and through the woods and I'd have to go out there and march her in for dinner and couldn't figure out what was so interesting until I heard it too and marveled at what might be going on in that pointy poodle skull. No dog I'd ever owned had suffered having their very identity questioned like that. I took her over there and explained the problem. My dog is emitting a growl so low you'd have to put a hand on her to know why their smaller, younger dog is in fear posture and WTF? they just thought it was a cool name and got the idea from us, never thinking it through. Umm, we kind of had that name first. It doesn't answer anyway. Could you, would you, please?

Good news is you are not a dog. I know a trans somebody who changed her name to Caitlyn days before Bruce Jenner did. There's name change trauma for you. All up and out and finding out just how many people watch a show you have no interest in and just having to tell your friends to roll it back to the old name. I think you'll be ok.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 3:37 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm trans and I accidentally named myself after a classmate in my (small and very close-knit) PhD program who I'd known for years. Same situation -- I fell in love with the name first and realized it was hers second. It was fine and absolutely nobody found it weird. (Congratulations.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:50 PM on October 26, 2016 [5 favorites]

An acquaintance changed their name to an uncommon nickname I go by in certain circles. The friend regularly calls me the nickname rather than my actual name. When they changed their name I thought, "Whew, at least I didn't cause any negative associations with that name." Basically, I agree with everyone else that if they think anything of it, it will be positive.
posted by shesbookish at 5:20 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

"I just love the name and it's one of the top X names from 197X. It was so important to me to have a name I love and associate with lovely people and that would fit with when I was born. Have you ever used Baby Name Voyageur? I love that app. You can go in and see when your name peaked. Apparently Lisa was the top name in 1972, so I guess that is why the Simpsons used it and I'm told that is why they called Heathers Heathers! Everybody knows one! OMG, have you seen Stranger Things!?! Winona is awesome. ...."
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 5:45 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

You will now get to have the classic 80s girl experience of being "Heather LastInitial" when in the presence of other Heathers. Congratulations on this rite of passage!

(Basically it would be weird if her name was Clementine, or Dorinda, or Zooey, but with Heather this is completely unremarkable and she'll probably rightly assume it had nothing to do with her.)
posted by MsMolly at 10:45 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

Haha, this actually (partially) happened to me! An acquaintance changed her name from her fairly common given name to a very distinctive portmanteau of my somewhat unusual name and her given name. She literally just didn't like her given name and liked mine (well, ours!) better. She told me that and that I was her "name inspiration."

It never even occurred to me to find it weird or be offended, even with a name several orders of magnitude less common than Heather. I thought it was cute and it was really neat to see how happy it made her. It was sort of like...giving away a sweater you wear once in a while to someone who wears it everyday. When you see them, you don't think, "That's my fucking sweater!" You think, "Oh my god, I am so glad that sweater went to a good home and that Heather is getting so much use out of it, what a perfect match."
posted by Snarl Furillo at 11:25 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

I have the Australian equivalent of the "one of the top 5 most popular names in the year I was born" (my parents were, and are, spectacularly uncreative). It's my name, but shared by thousands. But I'm still me. So you're still you. Your name is your name, even if it's shared by others. Don't stress about it. Be you. Own your name.

(If you had decided to go out of your way to choose a name that was not a name that anyone you knew had, or a name that anyone famous had, you'd have to resort to made up names or weird-ass spellings and that wouldn't be a good thing. You chose a name you loved and that felt like you. Don't second guess that.)
posted by finding.perdita at 1:23 AM on October 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

As one of millions of Sarahs, I wouldn't even blink if somebody took it as a name, let alone assume I was the inspiration. Just say "yeah, it's a really beautiful name".
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:42 AM on October 27, 2016 [2 favorites]