Parenting a toddler - when he cries, I cry
October 24, 2016 11:40 AM Subscribe
My son is a happy, loving, smart and funny almost-three-year-old and I love him tremendously. But sometimes he's crabby, or tired, or just generally unhappy, and when that happens I feel like it's my fault, like I'm a bad parent or maybe a failure as a human being. How do I stop feeling so terrible every time he cries?
It's perfectly normal for a kid to cry sometimes, right? There will be times when he's not feeling good and I just need to be a loving, supportive parent without falling apart. I know intellectually that it's unfair of me to make my feelings of self-worth depend on my toddler's mood. I know this. And yet, when he's sad, I'm sad. I can't seem to find the emotional distance to not feel completely shredded every time he has a tantrum. I want to be a good parent, a good partner to my husband, and a solid human adult, even when my kid is having a hard time.
Yesterday he didn't nap, despite my best efforts to get him to nap. By bedtime he was a screaming mess. I sat in the living room and cried while my husband put him to bed. It was the worst. Is this normal? How do I get past this?
I think this has led to me being over-attentive, maybe? How much attention is it normal to give a toddler? When my husband is in charge, he'll leave the kid to play on his own in the living room and head into the kitchen to do chores, etc. When I'm "on duty" I feel like I must be in the same room at all times, giving him all my attention.
I've dealt with depression and anxiety for all my adult life. I feel like it's been pretty well-controlled for the last couple of years, with a low dose of sertraline and consistent self-care. I can deal with so much other stuff! But when that kid cries, somehow it all goes out the window. I am so, so fortunate to have a wonderful husband and supportive parents living nearby. Everyone is safe and loved.
It's perfectly normal for a kid to cry sometimes, right? There will be times when he's not feeling good and I just need to be a loving, supportive parent without falling apart. I know intellectually that it's unfair of me to make my feelings of self-worth depend on my toddler's mood. I know this. And yet, when he's sad, I'm sad. I can't seem to find the emotional distance to not feel completely shredded every time he has a tantrum. I want to be a good parent, a good partner to my husband, and a solid human adult, even when my kid is having a hard time.
Yesterday he didn't nap, despite my best efforts to get him to nap. By bedtime he was a screaming mess. I sat in the living room and cried while my husband put him to bed. It was the worst. Is this normal? How do I get past this?
I think this has led to me being over-attentive, maybe? How much attention is it normal to give a toddler? When my husband is in charge, he'll leave the kid to play on his own in the living room and head into the kitchen to do chores, etc. When I'm "on duty" I feel like I must be in the same room at all times, giving him all my attention.
I've dealt with depression and anxiety for all my adult life. I feel like it's been pretty well-controlled for the last couple of years, with a low dose of sertraline and consistent self-care. I can deal with so much other stuff! But when that kid cries, somehow it all goes out the window. I am so, so fortunate to have a wonderful husband and supportive parents living nearby. Everyone is safe and loved.
Babysit other children and you will soon discover that toddlers cry constantly and it's not about you at all.
If you don't often have the opportunity to care for other people's kids, what about spending some time on any of the huge number of "why my kid is crying" blogs or facebook groups?
Kids this age have wild, irrational mood swings that have nothing to do with you. It's just how it is.
posted by Sara C. at 11:55 AM on October 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
If you don't often have the opportunity to care for other people's kids, what about spending some time on any of the huge number of "why my kid is crying" blogs or facebook groups?
Kids this age have wild, irrational mood swings that have nothing to do with you. It's just how it is.
posted by Sara C. at 11:55 AM on October 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
I wonder if it'd be possible to reframe how you're thinking about him being upset. It's totally understandable that you, as his caretaker and protector, feel upset when he feels upset- you want him to be happy and content. But negative emotions are just as useful as positive ones. We wouldn't know joy without pain. We need to really know what upsets us to meet our own needs. Being able to sit with and express negative emotions without trying to push them away is one of the biggest skills we learn as part of becoming emotionally healthy adults. When he gets upset, it isn't a sign that you've failed in your job to keep him happy all the time- because that isn't your job. It's your job to help him be comfortable with a wide range of emotions and learn how to tolerate/express them in appropriate, healthy ways. He's a toddler, so his ability to cope with extreme emotions is pretty limited. When he feels negative emotions, it's an opportunity to help him learn age-appropriate coping strategies- starting to name feelings, express needs, etc.
It's understandable that, after a long day of trying to get a kid to do what you want unsuccessfully, your emotional reserves are gone and you end up crying. No one can keep it all together all the time, particularly when you're parenting a little one, and you're actually modeling expressing negative emotions in a healthy way (through crying) rather than through pushing your emotions away. So if you can, try to be kind to yourself when this happens.
posted by quiet coyote at 11:57 AM on October 24, 2016 [18 favorites]
It's understandable that, after a long day of trying to get a kid to do what you want unsuccessfully, your emotional reserves are gone and you end up crying. No one can keep it all together all the time, particularly when you're parenting a little one, and you're actually modeling expressing negative emotions in a healthy way (through crying) rather than through pushing your emotions away. So if you can, try to be kind to yourself when this happens.
posted by quiet coyote at 11:57 AM on October 24, 2016 [18 favorites]
I do think it is normal -- I just recently thought about asking the question HOW DO I COPE WITH A TODDLER! (mine is 16 months, but very much approaching full blown toddler behavior and while it's easier in some ways than having an infant, it is it's own exhausting animal).
For me the things that work are: normalizing my feelings/getting my feelings normalized in therapy (having a baby toddler just IS overwhelming some days/all days and it WILL get better. It is normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes), taking space (via my husband, daycare, grandparents, or if no one else is around, going for a drive, popping on Old School Sesame Streets that seems to distract her, going for walks or changing scenery), talking to my friends, mom/friends, etc. And yeah, working on my own self care, which is a must for me or I also spiral into anxiety/depression.
Also, yes you can ignore him sometimes. Not like neglect him, but staying neutral while validating his feelings and showing empathy, and then just sort of letting it play out. "I know you're tired/sad/angry, and I love you." but not like rescuing him. Just stay cool/neutral/distract. I also with my 1 year old, already talk to her about how mama has feelings/gets tired/gets sad, and she does seem to understand on some primal level (as long as I'm staying calm- it's when I am super triggered that it doesn't work.) It's OK to let kids experience hard moments, as long as there is a secure, loving environment most of the time.
Also, sometimes just getting really present with her helps. Like, sweet, cuddly, silly, helps remind me of why I'm doing this anyway-- maybe that's not possible with a 3 year old, still works with my baby toddler.
I know it is super hard, I felt VERY triggered this weekend, and then only thing that helped was taking space and focusing on myself/work/other things today.
Long story short, so normal! It's all stages and phases, and I hear 4 can be very lovely.
posted by Rocket26 at 11:58 AM on October 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
For me the things that work are: normalizing my feelings/getting my feelings normalized in therapy (having a baby toddler just IS overwhelming some days/all days and it WILL get better. It is normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes), taking space (via my husband, daycare, grandparents, or if no one else is around, going for a drive, popping on Old School Sesame Streets that seems to distract her, going for walks or changing scenery), talking to my friends, mom/friends, etc. And yeah, working on my own self care, which is a must for me or I also spiral into anxiety/depression.
Also, yes you can ignore him sometimes. Not like neglect him, but staying neutral while validating his feelings and showing empathy, and then just sort of letting it play out. "I know you're tired/sad/angry, and I love you." but not like rescuing him. Just stay cool/neutral/distract. I also with my 1 year old, already talk to her about how mama has feelings/gets tired/gets sad, and she does seem to understand on some primal level (as long as I'm staying calm- it's when I am super triggered that it doesn't work.) It's OK to let kids experience hard moments, as long as there is a secure, loving environment most of the time.
Also, sometimes just getting really present with her helps. Like, sweet, cuddly, silly, helps remind me of why I'm doing this anyway-- maybe that's not possible with a 3 year old, still works with my baby toddler.
I know it is super hard, I felt VERY triggered this weekend, and then only thing that helped was taking space and focusing on myself/work/other things today.
Long story short, so normal! It's all stages and phases, and I hear 4 can be very lovely.
posted by Rocket26 at 11:58 AM on October 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think "normal" versus "not normal" is not the best lens to view this through. Just like kids, some people are more sensitive (or less sensitive) to other people's emotions, and/or have lower (or higher) tolerance for experiencing negative emotions. Maybe you're on the more-sensitive, lower-tolerance-for-distress side; that in and of itself isn't a bad thing.
The more helpful way to think about this is, does this help or hinder me in raising the sort of kid I want to raise? Does this help or hinder creating the sort of family dynamic I want me, my partner, and my kid to be living in?
One book that has been really, really helpful to me in navigating my almost-3-year-old's BIG FEELINGS is Gottman's Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. (Which I read when it was recommended by another mefite, actually.) I think it's useful to realize that experiencing and navigating big feelings is itself a thing that kids need to learn to do, and that book is helpful in laying out what sorts of reactions are helpful vs. not-helpful for your kids in that learning process.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:00 PM on October 24, 2016 [7 favorites]
The more helpful way to think about this is, does this help or hinder me in raising the sort of kid I want to raise? Does this help or hinder creating the sort of family dynamic I want me, my partner, and my kid to be living in?
One book that has been really, really helpful to me in navigating my almost-3-year-old's BIG FEELINGS is Gottman's Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. (Which I read when it was recommended by another mefite, actually.) I think it's useful to realize that experiencing and navigating big feelings is itself a thing that kids need to learn to do, and that book is helpful in laying out what sorts of reactions are helpful vs. not-helpful for your kids in that learning process.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:00 PM on October 24, 2016 [7 favorites]
I'm sorry, it's tough. We're kind of hardwired to respond to the cries of our own child. However, I'd discuss this with your doctor, since you say you're already receiving treatment for anxiety. The severity of your emotional response, in addition to your feeling that you must be engaging with him at all times seems to me a bit on the extreme end of what are totally normal impulses and feelings.
Three year olds cry a lot, due to umpteen irrational reasons, and my experience now as the parent of a four year old is that this doesn't really let up for a while. My son still cries over dumb stuff that is no one's fault a few times a day (the wrong shape of pasta? nooooooo!!!!).
I don't know if you watch Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood with your child, but the best thing about that show for me as a parent was that it gave me oodles of parenting strategies to deal with the Halp! My Big Feelings!!! stage of late toddlerhood that replaced that feeling of sort of impotent despair that comes with being unable to soothe a child who's freaking out about something that is utterly irrational because they're still learning how to cope with emotions. As an anxious over-planner and control freak, having a concrete strategy is key to me not feeling overwhelmed. Parenting books have strategies, Daniel Tiger has strategies, whatever sort of orientation you have towards getting some strategies, maybe see if making some plans "When child cries about X, I will use Y script to help him cope with emotion Z" helps you reframe the situation from you feeling really reactive to his upset to feeling more proactive about making it a learning experience.
posted by soren_lorensen at 12:07 PM on October 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
Three year olds cry a lot, due to umpteen irrational reasons, and my experience now as the parent of a four year old is that this doesn't really let up for a while. My son still cries over dumb stuff that is no one's fault a few times a day (the wrong shape of pasta? nooooooo!!!!).
I don't know if you watch Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood with your child, but the best thing about that show for me as a parent was that it gave me oodles of parenting strategies to deal with the Halp! My Big Feelings!!! stage of late toddlerhood that replaced that feeling of sort of impotent despair that comes with being unable to soothe a child who's freaking out about something that is utterly irrational because they're still learning how to cope with emotions. As an anxious over-planner and control freak, having a concrete strategy is key to me not feeling overwhelmed. Parenting books have strategies, Daniel Tiger has strategies, whatever sort of orientation you have towards getting some strategies, maybe see if making some plans "When child cries about X, I will use Y script to help him cope with emotion Z" helps you reframe the situation from you feeling really reactive to his upset to feeling more proactive about making it a learning experience.
posted by soren_lorensen at 12:07 PM on October 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
Three is the worst age. There should be bumper stickers. "I survived three!" Seriously. Three sucks. Three is the age that when my daughter turned four we said, "WE NEVER HAVE TO DO THREE AGAIN!"
It's about the age, not you. It may in part be about your kid, but mostly it's the age. At three for us, if naps didn't work, quiet time might have. Quiet time in our case totally involved screens. As in, put on tv for an hour. Kid watched tv and would some times fall asleep. Win! Kid would watch tv, not fall asleep, but we'd get to sit down or nap ourselves next to the kid watching tv.
There's no good solution to three, except four. Until four, just do the best you can, whatever that may be. And hard as this is --- don't take it personally! Right? It's your kid and you're not supposed to take it personally? You're really not supposed to. And when your husband gets home and puts the grumpy face down for bed, get yourself a mug of tea or wine or whatever drink of choice, comfortable pjs, and a good movie to watch to let it go. Self-care will get you through this, too.
posted by zizzle at 12:32 PM on October 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
It's about the age, not you. It may in part be about your kid, but mostly it's the age. At three for us, if naps didn't work, quiet time might have. Quiet time in our case totally involved screens. As in, put on tv for an hour. Kid watched tv and would some times fall asleep. Win! Kid would watch tv, not fall asleep, but we'd get to sit down or nap ourselves next to the kid watching tv.
There's no good solution to three, except four. Until four, just do the best you can, whatever that may be. And hard as this is --- don't take it personally! Right? It's your kid and you're not supposed to take it personally? You're really not supposed to. And when your husband gets home and puts the grumpy face down for bed, get yourself a mug of tea or wine or whatever drink of choice, comfortable pjs, and a good movie to watch to let it go. Self-care will get you through this, too.
posted by zizzle at 12:32 PM on October 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
If a three-year-old was happy all the time, there would be something terribly wrong.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:35 PM on October 24, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:35 PM on October 24, 2016 [8 favorites]
Toddlers (and especially three year old toddlers) are never, ever always happy. It's a hard stage, it really is.
Having said that, I think it's super important that you recognize that this reaction of yours isn't healthy for you or your kiddo, because yes, he will grow out of this stage of crying for no reason. But what happens when he goes to school and someone excludes him from something and his feelings get hurt and you fall apart with him? What happens when he's a teenager and he's in the middle of some drama that breaks his heart and he comes to you for help and your heart breaks, too (just happened to me today with my teenaged daughter)?
Of course you don't want to fall apart. You want to be strong for him! And while it's perfectly acceptable for you to fall apart for your own reasons, feeling too much empathy for your kids' feelings puts way, way too much pressure on them. My mother felt every. little. thing. that I felt and it eventually made me stop sharing my feelings with her because dammit, they were MY feelings and I just did not want to deal with her reaction to my stuff. It wasn't fair to me.
So yeah, I think talking with a therapist would be a really good step here. Getting a handle on your emotions will only help your kiddo get a handle on his because you'll be an awesome teacher that way. It's really great that you want to be the best parent you can be.
Good luck and give him lots of snuggles!
posted by cooker girl at 12:51 PM on October 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
Having said that, I think it's super important that you recognize that this reaction of yours isn't healthy for you or your kiddo, because yes, he will grow out of this stage of crying for no reason. But what happens when he goes to school and someone excludes him from something and his feelings get hurt and you fall apart with him? What happens when he's a teenager and he's in the middle of some drama that breaks his heart and he comes to you for help and your heart breaks, too (just happened to me today with my teenaged daughter)?
Of course you don't want to fall apart. You want to be strong for him! And while it's perfectly acceptable for you to fall apart for your own reasons, feeling too much empathy for your kids' feelings puts way, way too much pressure on them. My mother felt every. little. thing. that I felt and it eventually made me stop sharing my feelings with her because dammit, they were MY feelings and I just did not want to deal with her reaction to my stuff. It wasn't fair to me.
So yeah, I think talking with a therapist would be a really good step here. Getting a handle on your emotions will only help your kiddo get a handle on his because you'll be an awesome teacher that way. It's really great that you want to be the best parent you can be.
Good luck and give him lots of snuggles!
posted by cooker girl at 12:51 PM on October 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
I just came in here to recommend Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, too, and basically say exactly the same things iminurmefi said above.
posted by selfmedicating at 1:12 PM on October 24, 2016
posted by selfmedicating at 1:12 PM on October 24, 2016
It is so, so hard to be small.
Language isn’t making complete sense yet, and you never get to decide what is happening or what you are eating or where you are going or if it is time for a nap or not. Things that seemed funny fifteen minutes ago now seem scary or stupid. Your tiny body falls over and makes weird poops and people can just pick you up and move you! Wherever they want, whenever they want! The world is governed by invisible rules that make no sense most of the time, and TEETH and RUNNY NOSES and sometimes LOUD NOISES and OUCH.
This is why it makes sense to have empathy for crabby toddlers, but also why literally nothing about it is your fault. Being small is hard. Growing up and learning to talk are hard. Being sleepy and mad about mashed potatoes is hard. There is no possible way for a parent to prevent children from feeling these bad things. Even if you could, you wouldn’t want to— those bad/sad/mad feelings are teaching kids important instincts that they need.
It seems like you are equating crying with bad feelings, and blaming yourself for allowing the bad feelings to exist. But it is really really good for toddlers to feel bad feelings! Bad feelings like “I can’t believe I wasn’t allowed to eat that meat cleaver” are actually good. Bad feelings like “I wanted to lick the outlet and my mean parents wouldn’t let me” are excellent. Bad feelings like “I want to stay awake and furious forever but my forehead is being kissed and I am being tucked into a nice bed in a dark room” are the best bad feelings, and all these bad feelings are developmentally essential.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 1:16 PM on October 24, 2016 [30 favorites]
Language isn’t making complete sense yet, and you never get to decide what is happening or what you are eating or where you are going or if it is time for a nap or not. Things that seemed funny fifteen minutes ago now seem scary or stupid. Your tiny body falls over and makes weird poops and people can just pick you up and move you! Wherever they want, whenever they want! The world is governed by invisible rules that make no sense most of the time, and TEETH and RUNNY NOSES and sometimes LOUD NOISES and OUCH.
This is why it makes sense to have empathy for crabby toddlers, but also why literally nothing about it is your fault. Being small is hard. Growing up and learning to talk are hard. Being sleepy and mad about mashed potatoes is hard. There is no possible way for a parent to prevent children from feeling these bad things. Even if you could, you wouldn’t want to— those bad/sad/mad feelings are teaching kids important instincts that they need.
It seems like you are equating crying with bad feelings, and blaming yourself for allowing the bad feelings to exist. But it is really really good for toddlers to feel bad feelings! Bad feelings like “I can’t believe I wasn’t allowed to eat that meat cleaver” are actually good. Bad feelings like “I wanted to lick the outlet and my mean parents wouldn’t let me” are excellent. Bad feelings like “I want to stay awake and furious forever but my forehead is being kissed and I am being tucked into a nice bed in a dark room” are the best bad feelings, and all these bad feelings are developmentally essential.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 1:16 PM on October 24, 2016 [30 favorites]
Yes, 3 year olds are crazy emotional tornados, and they cry a lot. Now that my kid is almost 4, it's so fascinating to hear him talk matter-of-factly about why he was crying earlier in the day (or days ago, depending on how his memory latches onto an event). For example: I wheeled him home screaming and crying from the farmers market this past weekend. He wanted to eat all the raspberries at the market, and I told him he could have a few there but that we would be bringing the rest home to eat inside. He was inconsolable, but part of parenting in that case was hauling him home. It sucked, and I bitterly pointed out all the other kids who weren't crying or flopping around on the sidewalk. I wanted to cry out of embarrassment because my neighbors and other people were staring at us and judging me, and why couldn't we just have had a nice outing?! Later in the afternoon he said, "I was crying because I wanted to eat all the raspberries there," and we had a conversation about why we came home. He didn't hold any grudges against me, he just remembered that he was sad and angry. He's capable of introspection now, and it's so interesting to hear him verbalize exactly how his emotions work.
Have you read "Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy"? It's a comforting yet depressing read.
As for attention, my kid is just starting to get good at playing by himself. I definitely have done housework in adjacent rooms this year, but he was quite needy until recently. Now I can drink a cup of tea upstairs uninterrupted while he plays in the basement. It's pretty awesome, but you'll never know your kid is capable unless you try!
posted by Maarika at 1:49 PM on October 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
Have you read "Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy"? It's a comforting yet depressing read.
As for attention, my kid is just starting to get good at playing by himself. I definitely have done housework in adjacent rooms this year, but he was quite needy until recently. Now I can drink a cup of tea upstairs uninterrupted while he plays in the basement. It's pretty awesome, but you'll never know your kid is capable unless you try!
posted by Maarika at 1:49 PM on October 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
It is totally OK to let your kid play on his own, in fact I think it is healthy. They need to learn how to self-direct their curiosity.
I find myself wondering why you're over absorbed in your son. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you overwhelmed? Do you think your kid is emotionally breakable and must be "loved" at all times? Do you have control issues?
Take some time out for you. Develop yourself outside your role as parent.
I don't think it's good for you to collapse when your kid collapses. If you really can't get a handle on it then go out of the room before you break down. It's no different than losing your temper - your kid needs you to be stable during his fluctuations. Step aside and cry there.
Lean on your husband more. Notice when your tension is starting to build and take a break. Let you kid play on his own or just leave the house while dad watches. Challenge the idea that your son won't be ok unless you hover like this.
I know it's hard (when my kid whines I feel like my life force is getting sucked out of me) but I know if he's not in a serious issue (sick, hurt etc) then part of life is learning how to cope with these crappy emotions. Not change them per se but deal with them.
Maybe that's the idea here. Protecting your son from feeling bad won't help him learn how to cope with feeling bad. You're not a bad parent if your kid feels bad. It's not a sign of failure. Did you judge other whiny kids before you had kids? "My kid won't be like that!" Be kind to yourself and others. It's all just waves on the ocean. Hugs.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:05 PM on October 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
I find myself wondering why you're over absorbed in your son. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you overwhelmed? Do you think your kid is emotionally breakable and must be "loved" at all times? Do you have control issues?
Take some time out for you. Develop yourself outside your role as parent.
I don't think it's good for you to collapse when your kid collapses. If you really can't get a handle on it then go out of the room before you break down. It's no different than losing your temper - your kid needs you to be stable during his fluctuations. Step aside and cry there.
Lean on your husband more. Notice when your tension is starting to build and take a break. Let you kid play on his own or just leave the house while dad watches. Challenge the idea that your son won't be ok unless you hover like this.
I know it's hard (when my kid whines I feel like my life force is getting sucked out of me) but I know if he's not in a serious issue (sick, hurt etc) then part of life is learning how to cope with these crappy emotions. Not change them per se but deal with them.
Maybe that's the idea here. Protecting your son from feeling bad won't help him learn how to cope with feeling bad. You're not a bad parent if your kid feels bad. It's not a sign of failure. Did you judge other whiny kids before you had kids? "My kid won't be like that!" Be kind to yourself and others. It's all just waves on the ocean. Hugs.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:05 PM on October 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
I can't seem to find the emotional distance to not feel completely shredded every time he has a tantrum.
A common tactic for dealing with toddler tantrums may actually help you as well. When your toddler is falling apart because their block tower collapsed, it can be helpful to hold them with a reassuring, calming pressure and narrate to them. "You are SO MAD that your block tower fell over! You worked so hard on it! And then the tower fell over and it's TERRIBLE and you are SO MAD!" Saying this, out loud, in the kindest, gentlest smiling voice you can muster is soothing to the kid, helps them put names to their feelings, and may help remind *you* that your kid is not flipping his lid because you're a bad parent, your kid is flipping his lid because being a toddler is super hard for all the reasons you described above. Go out of your way to verbally reassure him that even though he's upset right now, it will pass and he'll feel better soon. (So will you.)
To keep my empathy stores high (because let's be honest, occasionally even though you understand that mashed potatoes are hard, sometimes you're too damn tired to really *feel* empathy that the world is ending over mashed potatoes, again) I like to re-imagine an adult version of the situation. Example: I have just told my toddler to put the book down and come to dinner now. The toddler insists on flipping each page at a snail's pace. I take book away from toddler. Epic tantrum ensues. Then I imagine that my husband was really focused on a work email. I told him to come to dinner, now. He nods absently and keeps typing. I grab his computer away. Though he might not throw a block at my head, I'm pretty sure the end result is not "husband smiles and comes cheerfully to dinner." This doesn't mean you let the toddler run the household - but it does mean that when you take the book away and he starts flipping out, you are able to see from his perspective and empathize with his frustration.
As I said above, I really think that cultivating a calm, active empathy may help you get sucked into his feelings less. Be empathetic to yourself as well - the kid is more likely to fall apart when he's hungry and tired, and so are you! Adults are human and sometimes we lose our composure when we're physically or mentally exhausted, and you're certainly not the only parent who's ever sat on the couch and sobbed as their hysterical child was carted off to bed!
posted by telepanda at 2:44 PM on October 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
A common tactic for dealing with toddler tantrums may actually help you as well. When your toddler is falling apart because their block tower collapsed, it can be helpful to hold them with a reassuring, calming pressure and narrate to them. "You are SO MAD that your block tower fell over! You worked so hard on it! And then the tower fell over and it's TERRIBLE and you are SO MAD!" Saying this, out loud, in the kindest, gentlest smiling voice you can muster is soothing to the kid, helps them put names to their feelings, and may help remind *you* that your kid is not flipping his lid because you're a bad parent, your kid is flipping his lid because being a toddler is super hard for all the reasons you described above. Go out of your way to verbally reassure him that even though he's upset right now, it will pass and he'll feel better soon. (So will you.)
To keep my empathy stores high (because let's be honest, occasionally even though you understand that mashed potatoes are hard, sometimes you're too damn tired to really *feel* empathy that the world is ending over mashed potatoes, again) I like to re-imagine an adult version of the situation. Example: I have just told my toddler to put the book down and come to dinner now. The toddler insists on flipping each page at a snail's pace. I take book away from toddler. Epic tantrum ensues. Then I imagine that my husband was really focused on a work email. I told him to come to dinner, now. He nods absently and keeps typing. I grab his computer away. Though he might not throw a block at my head, I'm pretty sure the end result is not "husband smiles and comes cheerfully to dinner." This doesn't mean you let the toddler run the household - but it does mean that when you take the book away and he starts flipping out, you are able to see from his perspective and empathize with his frustration.
As I said above, I really think that cultivating a calm, active empathy may help you get sucked into his feelings less. Be empathetic to yourself as well - the kid is more likely to fall apart when he's hungry and tired, and so are you! Adults are human and sometimes we lose our composure when we're physically or mentally exhausted, and you're certainly not the only parent who's ever sat on the couch and sobbed as their hysterical child was carted off to bed!
posted by telepanda at 2:44 PM on October 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
I once read something along the lines of "babies cry because it's the only way they know how to communicate," and remembering that and extrapolating it to toddlers and preschoolers helps me. Little kids cry for far more reasons, and far more easily, than grown-ups do. I cry when I'm at a breaking point; my kid's crying is usually much less anguished. If I cried for every reason he did - tripping, running out of cookies, not getting a turn with a cool thing, needing to leave the house on time even though I really would rather not - I would be just as tantrumy. Your toddler cries because he isn't old enough to swear or drink a beer or complain to a friend. Maybe if you think of his meltdowns as the toddler version of one of those things, it will bleed less into your own emotions.
And it's always good to take breaks; tag your husband in without guilt (and make it up to him later so he can have a break too). If you aren't doing so already, hang out for a bit while your husband handles being the lead parent so you can observe; this might reassure you about your kid's independence.
It is really hard, and I sympathize.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:45 PM on October 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
And it's always good to take breaks; tag your husband in without guilt (and make it up to him later so he can have a break too). If you aren't doing so already, hang out for a bit while your husband handles being the lead parent so you can observe; this might reassure you about your kid's independence.
It is really hard, and I sympathize.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:45 PM on October 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. I ordered the book mentioned above, picked the kiddo up early from Grandma's house and we had a nice trip to the park before heading home.
I probably exaggerated the situation in my question. It's not like I'm breaking down sobbing in front of my child - I keep it together all right until his dad shows up. Sometimes I tell him "Mommy needs a break," and we sit down for some quiet time. We get by. But it's so HARD, you guys. I guess that's OK.
I think part of the issue is that he spends weekdays with my parents while his dad and I work. My parents are amazing and generous and loving, and every time my child exhibits a negative emotion, they fuss over him and give him treats and distract him until he's happy again. At least, that's my impression. And they're always telling me how easy it is, how he's such a great kid and so happy and good for them. It feels impossible to keep up with that! I guess I need to give myself a pass for not being my mother, ugh.
Anyway thanks again. Any other recommendations for books, blogs, podcasts, whatever, will be appreciated.
posted by beandip at 3:44 PM on October 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
I probably exaggerated the situation in my question. It's not like I'm breaking down sobbing in front of my child - I keep it together all right until his dad shows up. Sometimes I tell him "Mommy needs a break," and we sit down for some quiet time. We get by. But it's so HARD, you guys. I guess that's OK.
I think part of the issue is that he spends weekdays with my parents while his dad and I work. My parents are amazing and generous and loving, and every time my child exhibits a negative emotion, they fuss over him and give him treats and distract him until he's happy again. At least, that's my impression. And they're always telling me how easy it is, how he's such a great kid and so happy and good for them. It feels impossible to keep up with that! I guess I need to give myself a pass for not being my mother, ugh.
Anyway thanks again. Any other recommendations for books, blogs, podcasts, whatever, will be appreciated.
posted by beandip at 3:44 PM on October 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
One thing I've repeated almost endlessly to parents, as a caregiver, is that your child's behavior is definitely different for caregivers than it is for parents. They use up their supply of coping skills during the day. You are their safe space to process and feel what they feel. It is normal and appropriate for your child to have more/longer/intense meltdowns with you. Your strong attachment to each other lets your child feel safe enough to let go. Caregivers typically get the "best" part of the day when child is well rested and fed. Home time is their down time, and just like we do, after work is time to unwind from our day. It is hard to see as a parent even when you KNOW this is the case.
posted by Swisstine at 5:23 PM on October 24, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by Swisstine at 5:23 PM on October 24, 2016 [10 favorites]
My kid turns four soon, but we still have a lot of "I'm going to latch onto a random pretense because I need to blow my stack" ... at least that'S my interpretation of the howling/wailing/crying over seemingly arbitrary things that are totally not an issue most of the time.
There's a lot of great advice above, but my question back to you about crying on the couch is, is it about your toddler or is it about you?
It sounds like you're getting worn down, and when your husband comes home you're running on fumes, with nothing left in the tank to help you withstand listening to your kid being upset (which is difficult).
posted by dotparker at 6:21 PM on October 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
There's a lot of great advice above, but my question back to you about crying on the couch is, is it about your toddler or is it about you?
It sounds like you're getting worn down, and when your husband comes home you're running on fumes, with nothing left in the tank to help you withstand listening to your kid being upset (which is difficult).
posted by dotparker at 6:21 PM on October 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
As a parent of a one-year-old and a four-year-old, one thing that I've found helpful for managing my response to their behaviour is reframing their sobbing and tantrums to myself.
I realised that on some level, when they'd have a meltdown, I was reacting unconsciously the way I'd react if an adult was having that reaction. Of course that made it hard to deal with: if an adult has a screaming meltdown or sobs hysterically, we know that means they are feeling absolutely horrible, like, beyond-the-pale awful. But for a kid, that kind of strong visible reaction doesn't mean that -- I mean, they feel bad, sure, but it's bad in the same way that we feel tired and bad at the end of a long day. They simply don't have the emotional control to display responses that reflect emotional nuance or different levels of sadness.
If you're like me, you know this implicitly, but it's really hard to stop thinking "omg my child is SO UPSET and SO MISERABLE" when you're faced with the screaming meltdown in the moment. Reframing it to myself as "my child is momentarily sad and this is the only way they know how to show it" really helps me to retain equanimity. I am not screwing them up; they're not deeply and horribly miserable; they are just temporarily upset and that happens to everyone. Indeed, learning to manage these feelings is a key part of growing up.
posted by forza at 7:26 PM on October 24, 2016 [5 favorites]
I realised that on some level, when they'd have a meltdown, I was reacting unconsciously the way I'd react if an adult was having that reaction. Of course that made it hard to deal with: if an adult has a screaming meltdown or sobs hysterically, we know that means they are feeling absolutely horrible, like, beyond-the-pale awful. But for a kid, that kind of strong visible reaction doesn't mean that -- I mean, they feel bad, sure, but it's bad in the same way that we feel tired and bad at the end of a long day. They simply don't have the emotional control to display responses that reflect emotional nuance or different levels of sadness.
If you're like me, you know this implicitly, but it's really hard to stop thinking "omg my child is SO UPSET and SO MISERABLE" when you're faced with the screaming meltdown in the moment. Reframing it to myself as "my child is momentarily sad and this is the only way they know how to show it" really helps me to retain equanimity. I am not screwing them up; they're not deeply and horribly miserable; they are just temporarily upset and that happens to everyone. Indeed, learning to manage these feelings is a key part of growing up.
posted by forza at 7:26 PM on October 24, 2016 [5 favorites]
Normal for a kid to cry SOMETIMES?
My first reaction to this question was "how is this possible she'd be crying ALL THE TIME??"
I agree with those suggesting you reframe things to yourself. Not only about your kid's behavior, but about your parents'.
Is giving a kid treats every time they cry until they're happy again really a good thing that you wish you were doing? Yeah, it's why we all love our grandmas, 'cause they spoiled us rotten, but... we didn't end up spoiled rotten because our moms helped us understand that the real world doesn't work that way.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 1:13 AM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
My first reaction to this question was "how is this possible she'd be crying ALL THE TIME??"
I agree with those suggesting you reframe things to yourself. Not only about your kid's behavior, but about your parents'.
Is giving a kid treats every time they cry until they're happy again really a good thing that you wish you were doing? Yeah, it's why we all love our grandmas, 'cause they spoiled us rotten, but... we didn't end up spoiled rotten because our moms helped us understand that the real world doesn't work that way.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 1:13 AM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think part of the issue is that he spends weekdays with my parents while his dad and I work. My parents are amazing and generous and loving, and every time my child exhibits a negative emotion, they fuss over him and give him treats and distract him until he's happy again. At least, that's my impression. And they're always telling me how easy it is, how he's such a great kid and so happy and good for them.
Kids melt down for their parents because they trust them utterly. My son, who is three, is super patient and well behaved at kindy, tries food he otherwise wouldn't eat at home, and is just Model Student, because he wants his teachers to like him and play with him. At home, I get into arguments about things like peeing in the toilet and using "please" and "thank you", because he trusts that I will love him completely no matter how hideous his behaviour is.
As others have said, being three is *hard*. Your kiddo has this big smart brain full of ideas and a limited capacity to express them. Sometimes that frustration turns into a meltdown. Today my son had a wailing meltdown at bathtime (he missed his nap and has a cold, which is a recipe for disaster) and wound up clinging desperately to me while telling me he wanted me to go away. Like, hanging off me like a monkey. Toddlers, especially smart ones, just have too much going on in their heads and too few outlets to be able to deal sometimes.
The best thing we've done is taught him to tell us what's making him sad - we just ask "why are you sad?" then listen to him, even if it's something ridiculous, and being empathetic while cuddles are administered. He was sad the other day because it was raining and the birds might get wet. I can't do a fucken thing about that, so I said they'd just go to their homes and that some birds like getting wet, like ducks do, which was a small comfort apparently but he was bummed until it stopped. Sometimes he gets pissed off because its dark and he can't go outside. Like, three year olds are not rational. There's nothing you can do sometimes except ride it out.
posted by Jilder at 2:22 AM on October 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
Kids melt down for their parents because they trust them utterly. My son, who is three, is super patient and well behaved at kindy, tries food he otherwise wouldn't eat at home, and is just Model Student, because he wants his teachers to like him and play with him. At home, I get into arguments about things like peeing in the toilet and using "please" and "thank you", because he trusts that I will love him completely no matter how hideous his behaviour is.
As others have said, being three is *hard*. Your kiddo has this big smart brain full of ideas and a limited capacity to express them. Sometimes that frustration turns into a meltdown. Today my son had a wailing meltdown at bathtime (he missed his nap and has a cold, which is a recipe for disaster) and wound up clinging desperately to me while telling me he wanted me to go away. Like, hanging off me like a monkey. Toddlers, especially smart ones, just have too much going on in their heads and too few outlets to be able to deal sometimes.
The best thing we've done is taught him to tell us what's making him sad - we just ask "why are you sad?" then listen to him, even if it's something ridiculous, and being empathetic while cuddles are administered. He was sad the other day because it was raining and the birds might get wet. I can't do a fucken thing about that, so I said they'd just go to their homes and that some birds like getting wet, like ducks do, which was a small comfort apparently but he was bummed until it stopped. Sometimes he gets pissed off because its dark and he can't go outside. Like, three year olds are not rational. There's nothing you can do sometimes except ride it out.
posted by Jilder at 2:22 AM on October 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
Are you getting full nights of sleep (is this a dumb question)? Just read somewhere or saw a lecture or something somewhere in which they were telling about this research that if you go over a month with only shitty sleep, you can start to display signs of depression.
I dont have kids, but do have three nieces - all under 4 - whom i've babysat a loott (also worked in a daycare for 1-3 yr olds). and that feeling of omg i cant leave the room or someone will die or get maimed is awful and draining. and yet they still manage to wedge themselves between the couch and the wall with me/us in the room. go figure.
One thing that manages a lot of the suck is cultivating a sense of (dry?) humor, and just stating the stuff that is causing this particular breakdown. Ok, the tomatoes are touching the lettuce. the day has officially been shat upon. it kind of diffuses it a lot of the tension for me. Like think Bill Murray type zen.
My mom made really mundane things (like grocery shopping) an adventure for us, but now that i look back on it, i see how it made stuff so much easier for her too. And she totally left us to our devices while she sat down with a coffee and newspaper and we learned pretty fast that that was mom time. thats one of the things that really makes me pause when i think about having a kid, is the amount of guilt&judgement moms get for every thing. Its insane. take it easy on yourself, the world wont.
posted by speakeasy at 3:03 PM on October 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
I dont have kids, but do have three nieces - all under 4 - whom i've babysat a loott (also worked in a daycare for 1-3 yr olds). and that feeling of omg i cant leave the room or someone will die or get maimed is awful and draining. and yet they still manage to wedge themselves between the couch and the wall with me/us in the room. go figure.
One thing that manages a lot of the suck is cultivating a sense of (dry?) humor, and just stating the stuff that is causing this particular breakdown. Ok, the tomatoes are touching the lettuce. the day has officially been shat upon. it kind of diffuses it a lot of the tension for me. Like think Bill Murray type zen.
My mom made really mundane things (like grocery shopping) an adventure for us, but now that i look back on it, i see how it made stuff so much easier for her too. And she totally left us to our devices while she sat down with a coffee and newspaper and we learned pretty fast that that was mom time. thats one of the things that really makes me pause when i think about having a kid, is the amount of guilt&judgement moms get for every thing. Its insane. take it easy on yourself, the world wont.
posted by speakeasy at 3:03 PM on October 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
speakeasy I wish you were my sister, this is the most intelligent thing about parenting I have read in a long time. Thank you
posted by ibakecake at 11:02 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by ibakecake at 11:02 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Ooh wow, thank you, ibakecake!
Means a lot.
posted by speakeasy at 12:48 PM on October 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
Means a lot.
posted by speakeasy at 12:48 PM on October 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: OMG you guys I'm pregnant! Suddenly it all makes sense!
posted by beandip at 6:39 PM on November 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by beandip at 6:39 PM on November 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: I have been blaming the wrong tiny human parasite for making me feel like a crazy bag of emotions. The answer was inside me all along! :D
posted by beandip at 6:45 PM on November 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by beandip at 6:45 PM on November 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!
Congratulations, beandip!
posted by jillithd at 6:13 AM on November 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
Congratulations, beandip!
posted by jillithd at 6:13 AM on November 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
Congratulations!!
And a word of warning - first-trimester pregnancy with a near-3 year old is a whole different beast from first-trimester pregnancy when you're on your own. The good news is it's maybe a bit less disorienting, the bad news is that you do have to fight through the crap feelings and keep another little human alive.
BUT! This is a fine time to start gently teaching your little one that you can't cater to his every whim and that sometimes Mommy's not available right now. The hormones in your head may conspire to make you feel that you're neglecting him, but it's not true; and anyway, it's temporary.
For low-energy games (for you) I highly recommend setting him up a play food/kitchen area that's on the far side of the living area from the couch, and teaching him to bring you "snacks." Then you can doze on the couch and say "Oh yes, this looks delicious, now I would like some fish and lemon soup." "That was great soup. Can you bring me a vegetable?" "Whoops, bacon isn't a vegetable, try again." "I am very hungry for something red." The more times you can get him to run back and forth across the room the better. ;) I got through a lot of time on bed-rest this way.
Also a toy doctor kit can come in handy, teach him to "measure" your "temperature" and "blood pressure", and give you shots. For some reason my kids like to cut my fingers off with the scalpel and tell me that that has made me all better.
Congratulations again!
posted by telepanda at 8:48 AM on November 2, 2016
And a word of warning - first-trimester pregnancy with a near-3 year old is a whole different beast from first-trimester pregnancy when you're on your own. The good news is it's maybe a bit less disorienting, the bad news is that you do have to fight through the crap feelings and keep another little human alive.
BUT! This is a fine time to start gently teaching your little one that you can't cater to his every whim and that sometimes Mommy's not available right now. The hormones in your head may conspire to make you feel that you're neglecting him, but it's not true; and anyway, it's temporary.
For low-energy games (for you) I highly recommend setting him up a play food/kitchen area that's on the far side of the living area from the couch, and teaching him to bring you "snacks." Then you can doze on the couch and say "Oh yes, this looks delicious, now I would like some fish and lemon soup." "That was great soup. Can you bring me a vegetable?" "Whoops, bacon isn't a vegetable, try again." "I am very hungry for something red." The more times you can get him to run back and forth across the room the better. ;) I got through a lot of time on bed-rest this way.
Also a toy doctor kit can come in handy, teach him to "measure" your "temperature" and "blood pressure", and give you shots. For some reason my kids like to cut my fingers off with the scalpel and tell me that that has made me all better.
Congratulations again!
posted by telepanda at 8:48 AM on November 2, 2016
Response by poster: For anyone reading this later, I just felt like I should come back and add that 3 and a half is awesome! A few months made a huge difference in maturity and self-sufficiency and ability to hold a conversation, and it's amazing how much fun he is to be around now. For any other parents of little ones going through a rough patch, don't despair, the fun times will be back, maybe sooner than you think.
posted by beandip at 6:14 PM on May 6, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by beandip at 6:14 PM on May 6, 2017 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
My advice is to take deep breaths when it happens. Hand off to your husband if you need to, as you've done. Know that those are both totally OK things to do. Give you child words for what he is feeling and give yourself words about how you are feeling, too. Say it out loud, even. "Oh honey, I'm sorry you are so sad and tired. It's been a long day! It's been a long day for mama, too, and I'm feeling tired and frustrated, too! I am sad that you are so sad. Sometimes when I get tired and sad or frustrated I really need a good hug. Can I have a hug, please?"
posted by jillithd at 11:49 AM on October 24, 2016