How do I turn my mother's house into my home?
October 21, 2016 3:54 PM   Subscribe

My mother passed away over the winter, and now I am alone (except for two cats and the squirrels in the attic) in the house we've shared for years. I'll be staying in the house for a year or two, and I'm trying to figure out ways to make the house feel like *mine*, not my mother's house that I happen to live in.

Complicating factor: I adored my Mom, we were extremely close, went through a lot of shit together, and her death was sudden and unexpected.

Now I'm trying to get the house cleaned out, something we had been planning between us, actually, while mourning her. Eighty percent of the time I just get stuck: the other night I almost left a stack of hand towels in the cupboard alone because Mom had folded them. In the end I didn't, but even simple things can be emotional. It took me two weeks to move a half filled cup of coffee she left on the kitchen counter, because I couldn't bring myself to move it from where she left it.

Complicating factor 2: I'm unemployed (I was taking care of Mom for the last several years) and I have very little money to spend. I do have elbow grease and am moderately handy.

What can I do to make the house feel like mine, instead of like a memorial?

Suggestions of physical, mental or spiritual changes/practices welcome. No idea too small.

I'd love to hear from folks who have had similar experiences, but am open to ideas from anyone.

N.B. I am in therapy, and have been discussing this issue during my sessions.
posted by Archipelago to Grab Bag (11 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
If you have the ability to take photographs (even nicely-composed cellphone pictures), you can photograph those items you come across, as they are arranged/folded. Once they are preserved in photographs, it frees you up to move them.
posted by xo at 4:06 PM on October 21, 2016 [14 favorites]


First, bring in someone to clean for you. Get a top-to-bottom housecleaning just once. Make a list of everything of you'd like boxed up and/or donated, and then give that list to trusted friends. Go see a movie and treat yourself to some special activity while this is going on. Don't come back until it's done.

If you're feeling spiritual, smudge the house with sage.

Paint.

Rearrange furniture. Any furniture you're not fond of, donate or sell, and replace it with something you choose yourself -- even changing out something as seemingly insignificant as side tables, a coffee table, or a chair for something of your own choosing can make a space feel more like your own.

Hang artwork or photos in frames you've chosen.

Get a rug. Or some new curtains. A shower curtain. A bathmat.

Breathe.
posted by erst at 4:07 PM on October 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


When you get stuck on something (like the towels or coffee cup), remind yourself that getting the house cleaned out was something your mother had planned to do with you. So, moving forward with this project is actually honoring her memory.

I'm sorry for your loss. May you find comfort in your memories.
posted by she's not there at 5:17 PM on October 21, 2016 [12 favorites]


How do you feel about selling the house?
posted by oceanjesse at 6:09 PM on October 21, 2016


I am sorry for your loss. I think this kind of stuff takes longer than we think it will. It is so hard to let go of the tiny things in someone's life. I found doing small things to be helpful. Pick one room, even the bathroom for starters. Replace the rug and towels, as an example, to colors that you like. Move to the next room. I don't know how close to an IKEA you are but they have pretty inexpensive duvet covers that can really brighten up and change a rooms feel for $30 bucks. Look for vases at Goodwill and put fresh flowers in them. Someone mentioned painting upthread and that is a great idea. Changing the paint is the cheapest way to change the look and feel of a place.

I think redecorating can be lots of fun but when it involves dealing with a loss like you are, it can still be fun, but also really hard.

Take your time, try to pick things you really like that bring peace to your home. Take care.
posted by cairnoflore at 6:23 PM on October 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


After taking pictures, xylothek's approach seems ideal: get everything out of the way and repaint. If you have a hyper-organized and gently pushy friend who can help pack, setting back up and accessing things while the house is in flux will be easier (maybe you are hyper-organized yourself, but it's a daunting task under the best of circumstances). You'll probably come up with a garage sale's worth of unproblematic items you'll be happy to unload.

Painting requires endless elbow grease and not too much money, and just having a mindless, life-consuming project can be helpful during grief (this was my partner's experience anyway—after my mom died, I just drank and went to grad school, which I don't recommend), and you can do it entirely at your own pace. If there are people in your life looking for ways to help out, take full advantage. If it appeals at all, give yourself license with colour, even if you're planning to sell in the nearish future—our small house has five rooms, which are respectively periwinkle, two-tone turquoise, chromakey green, and marigold (the bathroom and one bedroom are grey). Maybe other people think it looks insane, but we love those colours, and they make the house feel very welcoming and very ours. If there are colours your mother would have liked, maybe use those in places where you'd best like to be reminded of her?

It doesn't sound like you'll be buying much new furniture, but you'll have the chance to rearrange what's there to suit the way you use the space or would like to. Maybe a bedroom becomes a study; more of your items move into the main space. No matter what you do, there will be plenty in the house remind you of your life together, and you can leave the hand towels where they are.
posted by wreckingball at 7:59 PM on October 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm sorry for your loss- that's hard. A couple of ideas that might spark something for you-

Designer Nate Berkus redesigned a woman's home after her husband died- this video shows his process.

There's a service that turns a deceased person's clothing into a quilt (they also make teddy bears). You send the bag of clothes, with safety pins marking any details (like logos or buttons or embroidery or whatever) that you really want the quilt to have. It's not cheap (handmade quilts rarely are) but it's a really special way to create a beautiful memorable heirloom, and a special way to clear out a closet. If you or someone you know is crafty, it could be an interesting project.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:50 PM on October 21, 2016


I'm so sorry for your loss. What you're describing sounds very normal to me, and I'm glad you are getting support around it and thinking about how to move forward.

In times of stress, scents are one of the things that most viscerally calm me, so I have essential oils and scented lotions and perfumes for all different moods. Do you have scents you find relaxing? a scented candle could work both to soothe you short term and make the house smell different and more "you" over time.
posted by spindrifter at 8:55 PM on October 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


How would you feel about asking your mom for help? Maybe you could light a candle by her photo in the room where you're working, and let yourself feel like she's there helping you?
posted by HotToddy at 8:59 PM on October 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


Re "suggestions of physical, mental or spiritual changes/practices," would you consider adopting a dog? You can help each other. It could be good to put some of that attention toward caring for a dog, and at the same time take a small step in a new chapter of your life, after mom. If you do this, make sure it's a dog that you can enjoy walking every day, twice a day, and approach this as a healing, walking meditation of sorts. Could do wonders for you.

It sounds hard, and possibly lonely too. Might you consider getting a low bandwidth part-time job, or volunteering, to get out on a regular schedule?

Best of luck to you.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 11:29 PM on October 21, 2016


I've been doing this over the past few years with my father's house. He also died suddenly and unexpectedly. Unlike your situation, I don't live there but me and my sister have been working to overcome the Museum of Dad feeling. Here are a few things that helped me. It's different for everyone obviously

1. Only really deal with the things that NEED doing up front. So replace things that are broken and update things that no longer work, but there's no reason to get rid of stuff that can stay where it is a while longer. Grieving is weird and complex and there will be days you feel more up to things and days you don't.
2. Give up a space (or two) that is just for mom's things. So we left my dad's bedroom pretty much as-is and sometimes when we're straightening out another room and come upon something of dad's that we don't want to get rid of, we can relocate it to there.
3. Similarly make your room YOURS. If it was storing your mom's stuff (complicated full houses can sometimes be like this) now is the time to assert your own independence over your room. I used to stay in a guest room at my dad's which was nominally "mine" but had furniture I would not have chosen and awful decorations that I always hated. I left them on the street with a FREE sign after he died and felt much better. I can miss my dad and still think his ex-wife's taste was terrible
4. Think if there is stuff that can get recycled, Not just in the traditional way but, could you give books to the library booksale so someone else could enjoy them? Clothes to people who could use them? I feel really good knowing that my dad's Brooks Brothers suits went to people in my town who bought them for nearly nothing but the money they DID pay went to help the local hospital. That helped me get rid of them.
5. Look at it like your job, not your life. Have a set amount of time you do "mom stuff" and then consider yourself done for the day. Obviously you have your life to live in the house so that can be hard to balance but once you've made a decision about the hand towels and moved the coffee cup, maybe that's enough for a day. You have time. It's been a hard year.
6. Be kind to yourself or, if that's a challenge, maybe consider a buddy. I am the sort of friend who likes to go into someone's house and help with stuff like this, it beats sitting around watching tv. Maybe you have a friend or a friend of your mom's who could help a little?

Ultimately use the space as YOU would use it (your music, your scents, your level of clutter, your patterns) and over time try to make choices that go more your way and less the wya you and your mom used to live. You don't have to do it all at once and you don't really have to do it soon. Good luck.
posted by jessamyn at 6:50 AM on October 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


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