The gentle art of verbal defense - princess cupcake edition

October 21, 2016 5:56 AM

So my tween has decided he wants to dress up as a cupcake princess this year for Halloween for a school event and general trick or treating. Advice for responding with something other than the string of cusswords and momma bear mode once people start saying something?

I don't do confrontation well, he doesn't either ... but we do well with practice in 'how to respond'. I've been thinking on it for a few weeks since his request for help with his costume, but six words in over half are cuss words ... and he's going to need something to say, too.

NB: Not talking him out of it. He can wear what he wants when he wants how he wants. Just want to be forearmed. Our neighborhood is a buncha humans, somewhat jerky in their upper-middle class smugness and already consider us pretty strange. There are houses that park cars with confederate flags flying one neighborhood over (the further north you go, the further south you are in Florida) but we won't be Trick Or Treating there.

There are zero political signs on lawns this year.

posted by tilde to Society & Culture (23 answers total)

I always like a breezy-but-dismissive "it's 2016!"

Like, smile and laugh, but also sort of imply that anyone who has an issue with it is living in the past and soon to be consigned to the dustbin of history.
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:01 AM on October 21, 2016 [37 favorites]

"Halloween is for being someone you're not, right?"
"He's having fun, and I love the [costume detail]."
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:03 AM on October 21, 2016 [7 favorites]

Response by poster: (and something he can say as I won't be at his elbow all night ... we had a teen trick or treating last year at our house and the mom I was with was really nasty a bout him being too old to trick or treat and I was caught flatmouthed)
posted by tilde at 6:16 AM on October 21, 2016

Say with a smile, in a Trump voice, "YOU'RE the cupcake!"
posted by flourpot at 6:31 AM on October 21, 2016 [8 favorites]

I think a simple shrug and, "it's Halloween, yo," to the haters should be just fine from either of you.

Shitty people are idiots, don't let them dictate how the night will go.
posted by phunniemee at 6:31 AM on October 21, 2016 [8 favorites]

Happy Halloween!

Out at night, engaging, confronting, responding in any kind of in-depth way is only going to exacerbate any iteration that begins with someone being rude to a kid. Over preparing might make the whole thing anxious and less fun.

Also i'd be delighted to see a tween in any costume. The problem with most tweens/teens/young-adults is showing up in street clothes. Because LAME.
posted by French Fry at 6:35 AM on October 21, 2016 [5 favorites]

I would build any retorts or defenses by riffing how sweet your kid is (because both cupcakes and princesses are so sweet!)

Don't make what you say about how boorish any commentators might be. Rebuff any jerks by affirming your kid.
posted by Sublimity at 6:38 AM on October 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

I think positivity is the best response, especially as he'll be representing Cupcake Princesses everywhere. Just happily announcing "I'm a cupcake princess!" with a big smile, as if to say "duh, it's obviously the best costume ever" is more likely to get smiles than jerkiness. Any jerkiness should be met with a smile and a "Happy Halloween to you too". If he really wants to have a retort handy, maybe (again with a smile) "Okay. No cupcakes for you then."
posted by Mchelly at 6:49 AM on October 21, 2016 [24 favorites]

I recommend the US Southern "Bless your heart for saying that."
posted by warriorqueen at 6:50 AM on October 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

What are you worried people are going to say? In the 90s, Halloween was the one night that guys who wanted to dress in drag could do it and act like it was just a fun Halloween costume. Dressing up as a cupcake princess honestly probably won't get much of a rise out of anyone, and probably there won't be anything directed at your kid. I'd be more worried about people approaching you with concern, asking if you weren't a little worried that your little man wanted to dress up as a princess.

If he's confident enough to wear a cupcake princess outfit, and he's a tween, he's REALLY probably not going to be too fussed about anything someone says to him.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 7:09 AM on October 21, 2016 [6 favorites]

For something like the mom giving another teen a hard time for trick or treating, I would say something like "why do you care so much?" in a really bored tone.

I really like the "no cupcakes for you, then!" as a response for your son. Cupcake princesses FTW!
posted by topophilia at 7:10 AM on October 21, 2016 [16 favorites]

I'm not sure what a cupcake princess is or why it's expected to solicit commentary, but a blistering salvo of yo mama jokes would surely do the trick.
posted by BurntHombre at 7:39 AM on October 21, 2016

I think his biggest problem is not going to be adults, it's going to be other kids his age calling him a f*g and so on. Will you or another adult be going with him to prevent physical attacks?
posted by AFABulous at 7:41 AM on October 21, 2016 [4 favorites]

When my son was about twelve, a neighbor child taunted him with "you're so gay!" My son looked at the other child quizzically and said "is that supposed to be some sort of insult?"
posted by ubiquity at 7:51 AM on October 21, 2016 [12 favorites]

"I KNOW!" or "I KNOW IT!" (draw out the "w" sound and open eyes wide, slight nod, even put up hand like holding a waiter tray if that isn't overboard) in complete agreement with whatever they say (or ... in full agreement with their assumed sarcasm)! Hard for them to disagree with your agreement (or not) with whatever they said!

Practice this debate-style!
posted by RoadScholar at 7:58 AM on October 21, 2016

"I'm sorry to hear you think that." is a straightforward sincere response to lots of types of commentary.
posted by vunder at 8:41 AM on October 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

*shrug* "Some like it hot." *wink*

This may be lost on the recipient, but it will be the best for you to laugh to yourself about later.
posted by zizzle at 9:18 AM on October 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

So, what kinds of responses are we expecting? If I can actually write down the details of what I'm afraid of, it helps me defuse the situation better.

The off-hand, generic type? "So... princess cupcake? Really?"
Response is the delighted "I know! Isn't it great! We worked REALLY hard to get the thing to do the thing, etc, more cool stuff about designing the costume itself..." Drown them in the awesomeness of the costume, so if they push harder, then they really are being an ass.

Or, the more bold-faced gender conforming shaming of "Is your boy a [whatever terrible feminine male insult]?"
Response: "You're acting like that's a bad thing. Women wrote the code that flew us to the moon! Girls are awesome! But not as awesome as this princess cupcake costume!" Then curtsy or bow and walk away.
posted by jillithd at 9:40 AM on October 21, 2016 [4 favorites]

There's a strong tradition of boys -- especially tweens -- dressing as girls for Halloween. It's usually a straight "I am dressed approximately like a girl of my own age or perhaps as an old lady" type of parody costume, rather than as a specific Halloween costume that a girl might wear, but honestly I doubt he's really going to turn heads trick-or-treating.

It might go better for him if he doesn't try to explain a lot about how he's dressed As A Princess and not As A Girl, or talk about how this costume relates to his gender identity, but honestly, unless your trick-or-treat scene is much heavier on social interaction than most I'm familiar with, it's unlikely to even come up.

In general, brushing it off or acting like the person mentioning it is the weird one is not only the way to go in this case, but in almost every case where some jerkass is mocking you for nonconformity. Interactions like this got much easier when I found out that there's a whole world of theatre kids and goths and punks who are making deliberate choices about how to be, rather than assuming the square kids were right and I was a freak.

There's also something to be said for being the earnest gender non-conforming kid who does want to explain things to everyone and talk seriously about gender identity. It's just a more confrontational style.
posted by Sara C. at 11:02 AM on October 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: He has cupcakes on hand.

"WELL THEN NO CUPCAKES FOR YOU!"
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:21 PM on October 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Seconding Sara C. that it's not uncommon for boys to dress as girls or women for Halloween, so he may not have a problem with this at all, unless he's already being bullied by the neighbors for another reason. Another option would be acting confused and asking other people to explain their comments until their crusade is worthless.

"Really? A cupcake princess?"
"What do you mean...? He's wearing a dress and has a cupcake. I thought it was obvious...?"
"He looks more like a fairy."
*confused look* "Really? But he doesn't have wings."

If anyone makes a comment, ask questions like you're genuinely confused about what they mean and then let them back out of a bigoted line of thought gracefully once they realize they're not going to get anywhere with either of you. I would suggest not getting overly defensive and allowing anyone to see you in their minds as the "bad guy" who's trying to pick a fight or push an agenda.
posted by Penguin48 at 3:38 PM on October 21, 2016

The cops left LGBTQIs alone on Halloween long before Stonewall.
posted by brujita at 6:22 PM on October 21, 2016

Best answer: Fogging might be a good keyword to search if you want to look specifically for ways to de-escalate from shitty hateful comments. Basically it involves finding a shred of something to agree with, even if it's just in principle (or "yes, some people do think that way"), but then also still standing your ground over the core issue. For example, if someone says something kind of arch like "wow, your kid is really... sparkly, ha ha" you could reply "yes, and he really loves his costume." For something more aggressive like "I can't believe you let your kid out like that" you could say something like "yes, it's possible some people wouldn't approve (this is the kind of "agreeing in principle" part), but he's very happy with his costume and so am I."

You could also go neutral and Socratic, e.g., "why does that bother you?" If they then respond with something like "well aren't you worried you're encouraging him to [etc., bigoted stuff]" you can just honestly answer them by saying something like "I'm not worried because I love my son and that wouldn't bother me at all."

Come to think of it, "why does that bother you?" isn't a bad line for him to have, either, if someone tells him his costume looks feminine/gay. I really like "it's 2016!" for him, though.

I'd also say, don't expect to have the perfect line or to say the perfect thing. You don't need to do that to "win" against bigots; just continuing to do what you're doing and doing your best to have a good time, despite the shitty regressive views of others, is also "winning."
posted by en forme de poire at 11:39 PM on October 21, 2016