Tiny Little Company, Great Big Surgical Procedure
October 18, 2016 3:31 PM Subscribe
How do I tell my bosses about an impending surgical procedure I will be receiving? We are a tiny company, we are very busy, the procedure is pretty big, and I will be out of commission for a good while. Also: the procedure itself COULD be considered "elective" (but kinda isn't). Iodine-swabbed snowflakes inside.
I work for a tiny technical consultancy (< 25 people). I've been there for a year. I am one of three people who does the pretty-damned-specialized IT work that I do. We've been extremely busy lately. While the work is grueling, I do love everyone I work with... they're fantastic, we've all met one another's families, and while a business is NOT a family, this one is certainly family-LIKE.
I also have a BRCA1 mutation. Long story short, it is advisable that I get a prophylactic mastectomy and reconstruction sooner rather than later, on account of my sky-high cancer risk. While my doctors are very reluctant to ORDER me to get the procedure, they have indicated that it's a good idea, and it's "necessary" enough that insurance covers it 100%. I've gone through all necessary appointments and screenings and I'm pretty much "locked and loaded" at this point... I just need to schedule a surgical date. The recovery time for this procedure is at LEAST one month, more likely two.
I have not discussed my mutation or my surgical plans with my bosses, but it's about time to do so, and I'm incredibly nervous. Specific worries: 1. They'll be angry, 2. They'll question the necessity of the procedure (because it's not like I'm sick NOW, I'm just PRE-sick, and not a lot of people understand that), 3. My absence will negatively affect my team (given that we've been massively busy), 4. My absence will negatively affect the company, 5. All of this will make this teeny-tiny company's health insurance premiums go through the fucking roof.
Any advice on how to bring this up, how to frame it, what to say, what to expect? My bosses are all male, all extremely nice, all very NON-alpha-males. However, I am super-duper conflict-averse and scared to death over this.
I work for a tiny technical consultancy (< 25 people). I've been there for a year. I am one of three people who does the pretty-damned-specialized IT work that I do. We've been extremely busy lately. While the work is grueling, I do love everyone I work with... they're fantastic, we've all met one another's families, and while a business is NOT a family, this one is certainly family-LIKE.
I also have a BRCA1 mutation. Long story short, it is advisable that I get a prophylactic mastectomy and reconstruction sooner rather than later, on account of my sky-high cancer risk. While my doctors are very reluctant to ORDER me to get the procedure, they have indicated that it's a good idea, and it's "necessary" enough that insurance covers it 100%. I've gone through all necessary appointments and screenings and I'm pretty much "locked and loaded" at this point... I just need to schedule a surgical date. The recovery time for this procedure is at LEAST one month, more likely two.
I have not discussed my mutation or my surgical plans with my bosses, but it's about time to do so, and I'm incredibly nervous. Specific worries: 1. They'll be angry, 2. They'll question the necessity of the procedure (because it's not like I'm sick NOW, I'm just PRE-sick, and not a lot of people understand that), 3. My absence will negatively affect my team (given that we've been massively busy), 4. My absence will negatively affect the company, 5. All of this will make this teeny-tiny company's health insurance premiums go through the fucking roof.
Any advice on how to bring this up, how to frame it, what to say, what to expect? My bosses are all male, all extremely nice, all very NON-alpha-males. However, I am super-duper conflict-averse and scared to death over this.
You seem to be a bit tangled up in the details over whether this is necessary. If you say it's necessary, it is necessary. The details are not germane to your employer. "Boss, I have surgery coming up on X date, and then recovery. I'll be fine, of course, but I want to do everything possible to prepare for my absence while I'll be out."
And don't worry about the premiums. I'm racking up crazy medical bills on my tiny employer's insurance right now but that's what it's there for. Your health is important.
posted by mochapickle at 3:51 PM on October 18, 2016 [6 favorites]
And don't worry about the premiums. I'm racking up crazy medical bills on my tiny employer's insurance right now but that's what it's there for. Your health is important.
posted by mochapickle at 3:51 PM on October 18, 2016 [6 favorites]
You don't owe them anymore information than you are going in for surgery on x date and will be out until y date. Yes, it is inconvenient for the company but your health should be your top priority. Don't get sucked into discussions of the whys and wherefores of the surgery--that just implicitly gives them permission to judge and they really have no right to.
If you are able, you could possibly offer to work a few hours from home once you've gotten past the worst of your recovery--but you get to decide when and how much.
posted by agatha_magatha at 3:54 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you are able, you could possibly offer to work a few hours from home once you've gotten past the worst of your recovery--but you get to decide when and how much.
posted by agatha_magatha at 3:54 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
"I am going to be having a mandatory surgery that will necessitate X weeks off for procedure plus recovery. I would like to discuss the logistics of hiring a temporary replacement for my role so that my absence does not negatively affect our team given how busy we've been and will continue to be. Is now a good time to talk about that?"
If they ask what the procedure is, which is none of their business legally AFAIK, you can say, "I appreciate you asking, but it's not something I would like to talk about." And then redirect the convo back to finding a temp to fill your role.
Do NOT say it's elective. It isn't. It's necessary, you're going to do it, it's your right, and that's that. You can soften the blow by suggesting the replacement and providing documentation and/or training that will help your team deal while you are away. But other than that? It's THEIR job to deal with "inconveniences". Period. It will be okay.
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:56 PM on October 18, 2016 [16 favorites]
If they ask what the procedure is, which is none of their business legally AFAIK, you can say, "I appreciate you asking, but it's not something I would like to talk about." And then redirect the convo back to finding a temp to fill your role.
Do NOT say it's elective. It isn't. It's necessary, you're going to do it, it's your right, and that's that. You can soften the blow by suggesting the replacement and providing documentation and/or training that will help your team deal while you are away. But other than that? It's THEIR job to deal with "inconveniences". Period. It will be okay.
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:56 PM on October 18, 2016 [16 favorites]
I had to take 7 weeks off work for surgery a few years ago. I do client work that couldn't be covered in my absence and I worried about telling my manager and the clients. What happened: everyone was nice, concerned and understanding, the time passed quickly, everyone got on with things as people are wont to do, and within a few weeks of being back it was like it never happened. You're worried they'll be thinking of how they'll be inconvenienced when it's much, much more likely they'll just wish you well. Don't worry. Good luck with the surgery.
posted by billiebee at 3:57 PM on October 18, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 3:57 PM on October 18, 2016 [12 favorites]
Oh, and if you're worried about kibbutz-like discussions of concern among coworkers/husbands/wives/etc, repeat ad nauseum, "Thank you so much for your concern. I will be fine. It's not something I want to discuss."
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:58 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:58 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
You becoming unexpectedly disabled and then dying of metastatic breast cancer after months of treatment will certainly be more expensive and have more of a 'negative effect' on your company.
posted by sanderman at 4:08 PM on October 18, 2016 [25 favorites]
posted by sanderman at 4:08 PM on October 18, 2016 [25 favorites]
My experience with similar was very much like billiebee's, at a company with 3 people in which I was the only client-facing person.
posted by freezer cake at 4:26 PM on October 18, 2016
posted by freezer cake at 4:26 PM on October 18, 2016
If you want to really go above and beyond, you could give them some options about timing e.g. I have to have this done in the next four months, I could do it in three weeks when Project X is winding down, or in January during Project Y. But I only suggest this if the timing genuinely makes no difference to you in your non-work life. If there's a time that works best for you, just tell them that's when it's happening, using the excellent suggestions above.
posted by une_heure_pleine at 4:36 PM on October 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by une_heure_pleine at 4:36 PM on October 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think you are overly worried about their reaction (unless you work with real jerks). In my experience most bosses will say something along the lines of "Wow, I hope everything goes well, please let us know if we can help in any way!" Maybe "let's figure out what we need to do with HR" at a big company. They'll manage, and I'm sure they know that. They will not second guess your health decisions, nor do you need to share them in the first place.
posted by so fucking future at 4:57 PM on October 18, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by so fucking future at 4:57 PM on October 18, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'm assuming that this is the kind of environment where you would normally expect to be telling everyone what the surgery is. It's very difficult to be totally non-communicate when it's against your normal habits, so I would work on reframing it to yourself so that your description of the surgery adequately conveys 'it's serious and I need to do it'. The exact new terms you could use will depend on your own attitudes, but if I were in this situation I would have no hesitation in describing it as 'pre-emptive surgery to remove potentially cancerous tissue'.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 5:00 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by the agents of KAOS at 5:00 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
You do NOT need to tell your employer the reason for your absence other than saying it is a necessary medical procedure. If they require proof then you can request a doctor's note saying the dates that you will be absent due to medical reasons. Their anger and the team's inability to function without you is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
Good luck!!!!
posted by a strong female character at 5:02 PM on October 18, 2016
Good luck!!!!
posted by a strong female character at 5:02 PM on October 18, 2016
This is absolutely not elective. You're not doing this for fun, you're doing this to prevent the (higher than in the general population) chance of you dying of a hideous disease.
You don't need to share any details and you have the right to have this procedure and the time to recover your health.
All the best to you.
posted by kitten magic at 5:20 PM on October 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
You don't need to share any details and you have the right to have this procedure and the time to recover your health.
All the best to you.
posted by kitten magic at 5:20 PM on October 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
They might be stressed - if they are "angry," they are total dicks. If they are normal human beings, they are going to be accommodating. You don't have to share details, but even if you do, it's not going to come across as an elective surgery.
posted by vunder at 5:28 PM on October 18, 2016
posted by vunder at 5:28 PM on October 18, 2016
It's impossible to imagine bosses getting "mad" that you're having a mastectomy. Particularly a prophylactic one - that's about as brave as brace gets.
You don't need to tell anyone why, though it would probably stave off any gossiping at the water cooler.
Everyone will be concerned for your health and well being. They will not feel inconvenienced, nor as though this is elective and should be done on your time.
I worked for the biggest assholes on the planet - the kind who went to jail for investor fraud - and when I developed a major health condition, everyone was in my corner. And they were horrible human beings.
I would be in the side of being honest, but I'm blabby. It'd come out anyway because this is a big, scary deal. It also allows them to show you how important to them you are.
But you should also get your story right in your head! This is so very brave and not elective!
posted by crankyrogalsky at 5:49 PM on October 18, 2016
You don't need to tell anyone why, though it would probably stave off any gossiping at the water cooler.
Everyone will be concerned for your health and well being. They will not feel inconvenienced, nor as though this is elective and should be done on your time.
I worked for the biggest assholes on the planet - the kind who went to jail for investor fraud - and when I developed a major health condition, everyone was in my corner. And they were horrible human beings.
I would be in the side of being honest, but I'm blabby. It'd come out anyway because this is a big, scary deal. It also allows them to show you how important to them you are.
But you should also get your story right in your head! This is so very brave and not elective!
posted by crankyrogalsky at 5:49 PM on October 18, 2016
My boss had to do this -- this exact thing, an 'elective' double mastectomy because of possible future breast cancer, only she didn't do reconstruction (her choice, not because she didn't have the PTO to stay off longer). We were pretty sad to not have her in the office for several weeks, but absolutely no one was mean or resentful about it -- we were busy trying to come up with a good way to welcome her back! I also work in a very small, family-like company, and she was the only client-facing manager so we felt her absence. But we managed with a little extra help, and a year later, she's doing great.
She did (obviously) end up telling us what her surgery was for, but that's definitely your choice. I did have a suggestion that if you just don't want to get up and tell everyone in a group, you could tell one of your work friends whom you trust, and ask them to pass it around for you and explain that you don't want to field a lot of questions. Put someone between you and your curious coworkers for your own mental health. Just a thought.
posted by possibilityleft at 6:08 PM on October 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
She did (obviously) end up telling us what her surgery was for, but that's definitely your choice. I did have a suggestion that if you just don't want to get up and tell everyone in a group, you could tell one of your work friends whom you trust, and ask them to pass it around for you and explain that you don't want to field a lot of questions. Put someone between you and your curious coworkers for your own mental health. Just a thought.
posted by possibilityleft at 6:08 PM on October 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm not seeing any mention of your company's actual leave policy or short-term disability coverage. Because you aren't entitle to FMLA leave, does your state have similar leave? Will you have STD coverage? You mention you are afraid they'll be angry or question your diagnosis, so I'd just make sure your job is protected for medical leave.
posted by Pax at 6:53 PM on October 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Pax at 6:53 PM on October 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
I know someone who had this done, and she shared the details with her co-workers. Everyone understood the urgency and necessity. People were concerned about her healing. They organized food delivery for her and her family.
You might see it as elective because you're being given a choice, but that's like a choice between moving out of your house or still being in your house when the hurricane hits; it's not really a choice, and the fundamental cause is external to you. As an outsider, when you hear that someone discovered that they have "the cancer gene" and have to have major preventative surgery, you don't think "oh lah-di-dah, why are they wasting all of our time and money with this frivolous surgery?" You think "oh wow, holy shit, that sounds serious. Good luck, we're all pulling for you." I'm not trying to scare you or anything; I'm just letting you know how it sounds. Good luck, and I'm glad you're making time to do this.
posted by salvia at 7:26 PM on October 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
You might see it as elective because you're being given a choice, but that's like a choice between moving out of your house or still being in your house when the hurricane hits; it's not really a choice, and the fundamental cause is external to you. As an outsider, when you hear that someone discovered that they have "the cancer gene" and have to have major preventative surgery, you don't think "oh lah-di-dah, why are they wasting all of our time and money with this frivolous surgery?" You think "oh wow, holy shit, that sounds serious. Good luck, we're all pulling for you." I'm not trying to scare you or anything; I'm just letting you know how it sounds. Good luck, and I'm glad you're making time to do this.
posted by salvia at 7:26 PM on October 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
My wife actually has breast cancer right now, recovering from her 2nd lumpectomy yesterday, and she is the only employee of the company she works for. She is the SME for the business the owners are starting. They are dealing with it and being very supportive. Don't fuck around with breast cancer. Your health comes first, second, and third. If the company can't deal with that it's on them, and you'll want to find a new job anyway. Seriously, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about at all.
posted by COD at 7:39 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by COD at 7:39 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
I would sit down with your boss and say something like "Hi boss. I wanted to let you know that I will be having (a medically necessary procedure/surgery/etc) on X date. I (will be fine/expect to make a full recovery/etc) but will need X weeks off to recover. How can we best plan for my absence during that period? "
posted by snowysoul at 8:28 PM on October 18, 2016
posted by snowysoul at 8:28 PM on October 18, 2016
I run a small business and we've had some of these kinds of leave issues come up. We work with you as best we can and believe it or not usually survive just fine. This kind of thing is just "the cost of doing business".
A lot of what you do is going to depend on the relationships you have within the company. You can choose to tell them as much as you're comfortable with but ignore anything about this being elective. The opportunity to schedule this a bit is a nice way to soften the impact, but again most folks can survive pretty fine with enough notice.
posted by bitdamaged at 8:30 PM on October 18, 2016
A lot of what you do is going to depend on the relationships you have within the company. You can choose to tell them as much as you're comfortable with but ignore anything about this being elective. The opportunity to schedule this a bit is a nice way to soften the impact, but again most folks can survive pretty fine with enough notice.
posted by bitdamaged at 8:30 PM on October 18, 2016
Your fears are understandable...because anxiety is a nasty little demon. This is the anxiety telling you these things will happen.
Is it possible they will be mad at you? Well sure, some people are garbage, and if they get mad at you they are the people who got mad at a person for needing a double mastectomy and 1) fuck 'em straight up the nose with a stapler 2) see #1. But if they are decent people, or even interested in pretending to be decent people, none of those things are going to happen. They will be horrified on your behalf that you have to go through this, and they will figure out a way to handle the work situation. There's a reason most small companies participate in group or pool policies; your coworkers are not individually bearing the burden of your medical expenses, and any one of them could get in a car accident or have a difficult baby or slip on a banana peel at any moment.
It's up to you if you want to tell them what the surgery is. I think in most small companies (or department in a larger company) it is easiest to just say "Unfortunately, I will be having a double mastectomy very soon and that means I will be out for a while." Do not say "elective" because it's not - at best, it's slightly more schedulable that some people have. I think you should choose a date based on your own life and key support players' schedules, and go to them with the date a done deal. But I think it's just easier to say, and get asked (or really awkwardly not-asked) the least number of questions.
But you don't have to if you don't want to, and if you simply say, "I am going to need X weeks of medical leave starting [DATE]" that is not, like, tonsillectomy leave and they will be able to figure out it's a big deal from that.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:55 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Is it possible they will be mad at you? Well sure, some people are garbage, and if they get mad at you they are the people who got mad at a person for needing a double mastectomy and 1) fuck 'em straight up the nose with a stapler 2) see #1. But if they are decent people, or even interested in pretending to be decent people, none of those things are going to happen. They will be horrified on your behalf that you have to go through this, and they will figure out a way to handle the work situation. There's a reason most small companies participate in group or pool policies; your coworkers are not individually bearing the burden of your medical expenses, and any one of them could get in a car accident or have a difficult baby or slip on a banana peel at any moment.
It's up to you if you want to tell them what the surgery is. I think in most small companies (or department in a larger company) it is easiest to just say "Unfortunately, I will be having a double mastectomy very soon and that means I will be out for a while." Do not say "elective" because it's not - at best, it's slightly more schedulable that some people have. I think you should choose a date based on your own life and key support players' schedules, and go to them with the date a done deal. But I think it's just easier to say, and get asked (or really awkwardly not-asked) the least number of questions.
But you don't have to if you don't want to, and if you simply say, "I am going to need X weeks of medical leave starting [DATE]" that is not, like, tonsillectomy leave and they will be able to figure out it's a big deal from that.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:55 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
If it will help you to have confidence that this is a necessary medical procedure, remember that insurance companies aren't prone to offering to pay for unnecessary things. If they cover this 100% that means this is sure as shooting medically necessary.
posted by MsMolly at 9:20 PM on October 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 9:20 PM on October 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Update: I told them today. They were incredibly kind and understanding. Thank you all so much.
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:03 AM on October 20, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:03 AM on October 20, 2016 [10 favorites]
Wonderful!!! Sending good thoughts to you -- may both your surgery and the recovery period thereafter be as easy as possible.
posted by Hermione Granger at 5:15 PM on October 20, 2016
posted by Hermione Granger at 5:15 PM on October 20, 2016
« Older UX Design exercise for job candidates | Help us make the most of our free days in London! Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by corb at 3:35 PM on October 18, 2016 [26 favorites]