Domestic crisis = time to reasses
October 18, 2016 7:43 AM Subscribe
Should I move back to England and back in with my parents?
This is a multi-faceted question - apologies in advance for the length.
I’m a British-South Asian woman who has been living in Germany for the past nine years. I moved here with my then-boyfriend when I was 22. I was looking for adventure and freedom, and wanted the chance to live with my (white, atheist) boyfriend without the scrutiny of my (brown, religious) parents. They didn’t even find out about the relationship until it was a few years old, because I was so scared of losing them (we were very close as I grew up). My dad didn’t speak to me for several years after I told them, until the relationship eventually ended (that happened for many good reasons - the cultural divide was just one of them).
By now I’ve been single for the past two years and living alone throughout that time. I’ve dated a couple of guys, but none were interested in anything serious (this city is famous for its overabundance of free-wheeling commitmentphobes). My relationship with my parents has steadily improved - I visit a few times a year, and it really seems they no longer have any expectations of me. My mum was so shook by the whole thing that she went into therapy (as did I) and I’d say we’re closer now than we ever have been. She even knows about the random guys I’ve dated. My dad and I have an unspoken truce, and can finally joke and laugh easily like we used to. And it has been wonderful getting to know my sister, who is ten years younger than me and was just a kid when I left.
It also feels as if my life in Berlin has been getting… smaller. Nine years ago, it was parties and art openings every weekend. Nowadays, I seem to want less and less friends around me. I lost a few in the breakup, and there are only a couple whom I would truly miss if they weren’t around. I have a wonderful, creative job which I love, but when I’m not at work I spend most of my time alone. I’m an introvert at heart, quite happy reading and engaging in my hobbies, but I also smoke a lot of pot. Sometimes I wonder if I would really enjoy that alone time so much if I wasn’t self-soothing with the weed. I know it can have a dark side when you overuse, and right now it’s certainly not good for my overall health (too much munchie-driven junk food) or motivation levels.
If you’d asked me a week ago, I’d probably have said I’m quite happy with my Berlin life, thanks. I knew I was smoking too much and a bit isolated, but I also felt generally comfortable and mostly good. But. This week I have discovered a cockroach problem in my flat - the little German roaches, which I thought were just beetles at first. I’ve been in touch with pest control - it’s going to take weeks to get rid of the problem, and will cost me more than 700 Euros. My landlord refuses to cover the cost. I’m in the middle of an exhausting deep clean of my flat, doing what I can in the evenings after work. Every time I see one, I shudder and want to cry. I can’t help blaming myself for not being cleaner, for not realising sooner. I blame the weed for making me lazy. Did I mention I have anxiety and compulsive tendencies? These are flaring up right now. Everything around me feels contaminated.
I’m not smoking at the moment because my sister has been staying with me for the past couple of weeks (when I’m around family I never even feel the urge). It’s our first time ever spending a chunk of time together without our parents around. I was really nervous before she arrived - I didn’t want to give up my personal space, and I didn’t know what it would be like. But by and large, it has been so much fun. I love spending time with her, and we share some nerdy interests that no one else I know is into, and it has been really fun bonding over that. She has been so sweet and supportive about this cockroach thing, telling me it’s not that big of a deal, there are worse things in life, I shouldn’t worry, pest control will take care of it. I still feel so guilty about bringing her into my contaminated space.
The only thing that makes me feel better right now is imagining giving up my Berlin life completely. I could quit my job, leave my shitty, stuffy apartment with the bad plumbing and move back in with my parents. They would be overjoyed. I could spend a couple of months chilling out, finally learning how to drive, playing with my brother’s adorable baby boy. I could relax in their enormous, pristine house, in my beautiful airy room that’s still the same as it was when I was 17. If anything goes wrong, my dad, the take charge type, would happily take responsibility. Pot would be out of my life completely - I don’t have a clue how to find it in England, and I won’t go looking because I never want to smoke when I’m there. My sister is living at home right now, too - she just finished studying and isn’t working yet. Maybe we could get a flat together in London - I think I could find a good job there pretty easily, I have a lot of experience in the Berlin startup scene. Our parents would probably help us buy a place, which I could never afford on my own. It would also probably be way easier to meet someone, particularly someone my parents could not only approve of but connect with. When I left the UK, it felt like there were no South Asian guys like me - creative, open-minded, forward thinking. But by now I’ve actually met a few, and I see more and more of them in the (UK) media, and I’m starting to have hope. Not that I intend to seek one out just for that reason. But I can’t deny how convenient it would be to fall in love with one. And it would be nice to share that cultural connection, since I’ve started to grow to love parts of my culture, not just resent it like I did when I was younger. Here in Berlin I’m usually the only non-white person in the room, which just gets old after a while.
I’ve spoken to my sister about it a bit, and while she loves the idea of me moving back and would happily live with me, she also cautions me not to be too hasty. She knows I’m super stressed about the cockroach thing and thinks that’s colouring my perspective. I’m sure she’s right - moving back home never seemed quite so inviting before! But on the other hand, I know that after she leaves I’ll just go back to smoking pot. I’ve quit before, for periods of weeks, during which time I definitely felt lonelier but managed fine, yet always had it in mind that I’d go back to the pot eventually. And when I smoke pot, things seem calmer, more numb, it seems easier to just keep doing what I’m doing and feeling mostly fine. But is that really the life I truly want? I would miss this city, for sure. It’s beautiful, politically progressive, and there are so many interesting things to do - I just never do any of them anymore.
What do you guys think - does it seem to you like a move back is a good idea, based on what I’ve written? Do you have any moral support or words of encouragement for a stressed out contamination-phobe who feels like a failure right now? All and any advice much appreciated, and thanks if you made it this far!
This is a multi-faceted question - apologies in advance for the length.
I’m a British-South Asian woman who has been living in Germany for the past nine years. I moved here with my then-boyfriend when I was 22. I was looking for adventure and freedom, and wanted the chance to live with my (white, atheist) boyfriend without the scrutiny of my (brown, religious) parents. They didn’t even find out about the relationship until it was a few years old, because I was so scared of losing them (we were very close as I grew up). My dad didn’t speak to me for several years after I told them, until the relationship eventually ended (that happened for many good reasons - the cultural divide was just one of them).
By now I’ve been single for the past two years and living alone throughout that time. I’ve dated a couple of guys, but none were interested in anything serious (this city is famous for its overabundance of free-wheeling commitmentphobes). My relationship with my parents has steadily improved - I visit a few times a year, and it really seems they no longer have any expectations of me. My mum was so shook by the whole thing that she went into therapy (as did I) and I’d say we’re closer now than we ever have been. She even knows about the random guys I’ve dated. My dad and I have an unspoken truce, and can finally joke and laugh easily like we used to. And it has been wonderful getting to know my sister, who is ten years younger than me and was just a kid when I left.
It also feels as if my life in Berlin has been getting… smaller. Nine years ago, it was parties and art openings every weekend. Nowadays, I seem to want less and less friends around me. I lost a few in the breakup, and there are only a couple whom I would truly miss if they weren’t around. I have a wonderful, creative job which I love, but when I’m not at work I spend most of my time alone. I’m an introvert at heart, quite happy reading and engaging in my hobbies, but I also smoke a lot of pot. Sometimes I wonder if I would really enjoy that alone time so much if I wasn’t self-soothing with the weed. I know it can have a dark side when you overuse, and right now it’s certainly not good for my overall health (too much munchie-driven junk food) or motivation levels.
If you’d asked me a week ago, I’d probably have said I’m quite happy with my Berlin life, thanks. I knew I was smoking too much and a bit isolated, but I also felt generally comfortable and mostly good. But. This week I have discovered a cockroach problem in my flat - the little German roaches, which I thought were just beetles at first. I’ve been in touch with pest control - it’s going to take weeks to get rid of the problem, and will cost me more than 700 Euros. My landlord refuses to cover the cost. I’m in the middle of an exhausting deep clean of my flat, doing what I can in the evenings after work. Every time I see one, I shudder and want to cry. I can’t help blaming myself for not being cleaner, for not realising sooner. I blame the weed for making me lazy. Did I mention I have anxiety and compulsive tendencies? These are flaring up right now. Everything around me feels contaminated.
I’m not smoking at the moment because my sister has been staying with me for the past couple of weeks (when I’m around family I never even feel the urge). It’s our first time ever spending a chunk of time together without our parents around. I was really nervous before she arrived - I didn’t want to give up my personal space, and I didn’t know what it would be like. But by and large, it has been so much fun. I love spending time with her, and we share some nerdy interests that no one else I know is into, and it has been really fun bonding over that. She has been so sweet and supportive about this cockroach thing, telling me it’s not that big of a deal, there are worse things in life, I shouldn’t worry, pest control will take care of it. I still feel so guilty about bringing her into my contaminated space.
The only thing that makes me feel better right now is imagining giving up my Berlin life completely. I could quit my job, leave my shitty, stuffy apartment with the bad plumbing and move back in with my parents. They would be overjoyed. I could spend a couple of months chilling out, finally learning how to drive, playing with my brother’s adorable baby boy. I could relax in their enormous, pristine house, in my beautiful airy room that’s still the same as it was when I was 17. If anything goes wrong, my dad, the take charge type, would happily take responsibility. Pot would be out of my life completely - I don’t have a clue how to find it in England, and I won’t go looking because I never want to smoke when I’m there. My sister is living at home right now, too - she just finished studying and isn’t working yet. Maybe we could get a flat together in London - I think I could find a good job there pretty easily, I have a lot of experience in the Berlin startup scene. Our parents would probably help us buy a place, which I could never afford on my own. It would also probably be way easier to meet someone, particularly someone my parents could not only approve of but connect with. When I left the UK, it felt like there were no South Asian guys like me - creative, open-minded, forward thinking. But by now I’ve actually met a few, and I see more and more of them in the (UK) media, and I’m starting to have hope. Not that I intend to seek one out just for that reason. But I can’t deny how convenient it would be to fall in love with one. And it would be nice to share that cultural connection, since I’ve started to grow to love parts of my culture, not just resent it like I did when I was younger. Here in Berlin I’m usually the only non-white person in the room, which just gets old after a while.
I’ve spoken to my sister about it a bit, and while she loves the idea of me moving back and would happily live with me, she also cautions me not to be too hasty. She knows I’m super stressed about the cockroach thing and thinks that’s colouring my perspective. I’m sure she’s right - moving back home never seemed quite so inviting before! But on the other hand, I know that after she leaves I’ll just go back to smoking pot. I’ve quit before, for periods of weeks, during which time I definitely felt lonelier but managed fine, yet always had it in mind that I’d go back to the pot eventually. And when I smoke pot, things seem calmer, more numb, it seems easier to just keep doing what I’m doing and feeling mostly fine. But is that really the life I truly want? I would miss this city, for sure. It’s beautiful, politically progressive, and there are so many interesting things to do - I just never do any of them anymore.
What do you guys think - does it seem to you like a move back is a good idea, based on what I’ve written? Do you have any moral support or words of encouragement for a stressed out contamination-phobe who feels like a failure right now? All and any advice much appreciated, and thanks if you made it this far!
Response by poster: Thanks wwax. I won't threadsit but will add: I couldn't face moving in with my parents indefinitely. A little holiday at their place would be nice, but I have too much independence by now to go back to living like a kid. The plan would be to learn how to drive so I can get to London easily for interviews and flat viewings, work a little part time so I can pay for myself and my driving lessons, help out around the house (it would offend my parents deeply if I tried to give them money, believe me I have tried) and look for jobs in London, Manchester or Liverpool, the cities I know I would find liveable.
posted by guessthis at 8:20 AM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by guessthis at 8:20 AM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think your strong reaction to cockroaches is a sign that other issues in your life need more attention. Your feelings of guilt, nervousness, failure, inability to keep a clean home and heavy use of pot might be signs of depression. In any case, you would benefit from a support network, and it's great that your sister provides that.
Your reasons for moving to London are valid and reasonable. It sounds like you can have a good life there. It doesn't seem like you believe you have much of a future in Berlin, or are at all interested in staying there. You have probably outgrown your life in Berlin and it's time for something new.
I would, however, advise you to be cautious about living with your parents again. Your relationship might have improved precisely because you had stopped living together and saw each other less - very common. My another thought was that possibly the relationship mended because you had broken up with the boyfriend your parents did not approve of, not because your parents' attitude had changed.
You don't need your dad to take responsibility if anything goes wrong because you are an adult. You need support right now, but being parented at 30 won't solve your problems. If financially feasible, I think it's a much better idea to move to London and live with your sister or flatmates.
posted by frantumaglia at 8:22 AM on October 18, 2016 [16 favorites]
Your reasons for moving to London are valid and reasonable. It sounds like you can have a good life there. It doesn't seem like you believe you have much of a future in Berlin, or are at all interested in staying there. You have probably outgrown your life in Berlin and it's time for something new.
I would, however, advise you to be cautious about living with your parents again. Your relationship might have improved precisely because you had stopped living together and saw each other less - very common. My another thought was that possibly the relationship mended because you had broken up with the boyfriend your parents did not approve of, not because your parents' attitude had changed.
You don't need your dad to take responsibility if anything goes wrong because you are an adult. You need support right now, but being parented at 30 won't solve your problems. If financially feasible, I think it's a much better idea to move to London and live with your sister or flatmates.
posted by frantumaglia at 8:22 AM on October 18, 2016 [16 favorites]
Why not get a short term let sorted before you move back in a flat-share, and just stay with your family until the rental term starts? That way it is definitely finite, and you won't fall into the trap of staying indefinitely.
And if/when you do move back, call an IRL meetup! There are lots of friendly London mefites who will enjoy welcoming you back to this fair city :)
posted by greenish at 8:57 AM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
And if/when you do move back, call an IRL meetup! There are lots of friendly London mefites who will enjoy welcoming you back to this fair city :)
posted by greenish at 8:57 AM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: well, as I read this, it looks like your cons are:
-a feeling of lost independence (perhaps temporary)
-major life upheaval
but the pros are:
-spend some quality time reconnecting with family.
-get out of a situation that's making you feel gross and has a significant pricetag attached.
-kick a habit that you're clearly not happy with.
-possibly end up in a better/healthier/more affordable living situation.
Since you think you'd be out of your parents house within a reasonable time, and you don't see yourself having trouble finding work, then I'd say.. heck, go for it. You'll most likely meet someone and settle down in the future, and then the freedom to do a big life upheaval, something like this, will be gone, without a lot of work and compromise. And you're moving back to London, it's not like you're moving to East Hayseed where there's no opportunities. And, I don't think that smoking pot is hugely problematic for most people, but it's definitely a crutch, and you seem unhappy with your levels of usage. Addictions, even if they aren't chemical ones, are extremely hard to break. I think this might be worth doing for that alone.. give you your sober nights and life back. I myself have turned into quite a loner and a lazy bones when smoking too much pot, so I know that feeling of just being like "why am I doing this." but it's hard to kick when there's nothing to motivate you to do so.
My sister recently moved home and is living with my parents while they built her an apartment, and I am exceedingly jealous of it sometimes.
posted by euphoria066 at 9:19 AM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
-a feeling of lost independence (perhaps temporary)
-major life upheaval
but the pros are:
-spend some quality time reconnecting with family.
-get out of a situation that's making you feel gross and has a significant pricetag attached.
-kick a habit that you're clearly not happy with.
-possibly end up in a better/healthier/more affordable living situation.
Since you think you'd be out of your parents house within a reasonable time, and you don't see yourself having trouble finding work, then I'd say.. heck, go for it. You'll most likely meet someone and settle down in the future, and then the freedom to do a big life upheaval, something like this, will be gone, without a lot of work and compromise. And you're moving back to London, it's not like you're moving to East Hayseed where there's no opportunities. And, I don't think that smoking pot is hugely problematic for most people, but it's definitely a crutch, and you seem unhappy with your levels of usage. Addictions, even if they aren't chemical ones, are extremely hard to break. I think this might be worth doing for that alone.. give you your sober nights and life back. I myself have turned into quite a loner and a lazy bones when smoking too much pot, so I know that feeling of just being like "why am I doing this." but it's hard to kick when there's nothing to motivate you to do so.
My sister recently moved home and is living with my parents while they built her an apartment, and I am exceedingly jealous of it sometimes.
posted by euphoria066 at 9:19 AM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Those tiny little roaches do have a tendency to get EVERYWHERE and freak out anyone. I've fought them off more than once. The main thing to do is remove any source of food or water. Don't bring plates or drinks to other rooms, wipe up the bath and kitchen every time you use it, and follow whatever instructions the pest control folks give you.
As for moving home, I currently live with my elderly parents in a basement apartment. It has its ups and downs. I agreed to move in with them ONLY if I had my own space and a decent amount of privacy. We eat dinner together, then I go "home." If your sister has agreed to move in with you, I think it would be a great idea. You're closer geographically to your parents without living with them again. Talk to her more about that and see what you can work out. Good luck!
posted by jhope71 at 9:34 AM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
As for moving home, I currently live with my elderly parents in a basement apartment. It has its ups and downs. I agreed to move in with them ONLY if I had my own space and a decent amount of privacy. We eat dinner together, then I go "home." If your sister has agreed to move in with you, I think it would be a great idea. You're closer geographically to your parents without living with them again. Talk to her more about that and see what you can work out. Good luck!
posted by jhope71 at 9:34 AM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Just something to think about: it sounds like you're a UK citizen? You may lose the ability to remain/return to Germany or any other EU country in a couple of years, because of Brexit. So, I would make absolutely sure that you want to remain in the UK indefinitely before you move back.
posted by Automocar at 9:48 AM on October 18, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by Automocar at 9:48 AM on October 18, 2016 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Ugh, there is nothing worse than discovering bugs in the house. But, listen, roaches can live off nearly any damn thing--like (really!) a sliver of soap. You don't have to be some kind of disgusting failure of a housekeeper to have to deal with an invasion. I know these are very visceral feelings, but keep reminding yourself that the reason people associate common insect problems with filthy houses is that in the filthy houses no one addresses the problem, so they never go away.
I do think the strength of your reaction suggests that you are feeling like something is pervasively wrong with your Berlin life. The plan of moving briefly to your parents' to regroup and reconnect and then finding a new job and flat in London sounds perfectly reasonable. You should probably expect that your relationship with your parents will develop some new issues and you'll have to reach a new equilibrium once you're seeing them more often. But, if they're not actually abusive, that's not the worst thing, either. They won't be around forever.
posted by praemunire at 9:59 AM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
I do think the strength of your reaction suggests that you are feeling like something is pervasively wrong with your Berlin life. The plan of moving briefly to your parents' to regroup and reconnect and then finding a new job and flat in London sounds perfectly reasonable. You should probably expect that your relationship with your parents will develop some new issues and you'll have to reach a new equilibrium once you're seeing them more often. But, if they're not actually abusive, that's not the worst thing, either. They won't be around forever.
posted by praemunire at 9:59 AM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I experienced something similar when I decided it was time for me to leave New York after twelve years there. I felt my social life contracting, I wasn't taking advantage of the city in the way I had in my 20s, things had become expensive, it was cold and dark all the time, work was a treadmill it was impossible to escape, etc. And, then, yeah, there was an inciting incident (in my case getting thrust into a work situation with a bunch of people from Los Angeles who seemed nice and cool and like they had a good thing going out there), and I decided to leave. I ultimately decided to go to California, not back home to my parents in Louisiana, even though I suppose I could have just as easily chosen that.
So, yeah, I think this is absolutely a reasonable thing for you to consider, even if it isn't strictly reasonable to leave an entire country just because your apartment has bugs. There are moments that awaken us to how unhappy we are.
Here's the thing, though. What do you want your life to look like? I think that if what you actively want is to be closer to family and to move back to the UK to be with them (possibly even living in the same premises), then, OK. Personally, I think your fantasy of living in your childhood bedroom and having your dad take care of the hard stuff sounds like just that. But I think there are ways of tunneling through that "adulting is miserable" feeling to find what you actually want.
Could you do some traveling? Go on a vacation. Get yourself some unstructured time to just do whatever and not have any responsibilities. After that, see whether "live under my parents' roof and let them do the heavy lifting" idea sounds like what you actually want. This would also be a good way or time period to examine where you actually do want to be living after Berlin. Maybe that's your parents' house, but maybe it's a place in the same town. Maybe it's a short drive away. Maybe it's elsewhere in the UK, or elsewhere in Germany, or maybe you spend a month in Spain and realize, holy shit, I need to live in Spain. Getting yourself out of the Berlin routine that's making you miserable, but without a strong commitment to any other specific plan, should help you think more clearly about what you actually want.
You could also move back with your parents as a short term solution while you figure out a more permanent living situation/where in the world you want to be. YMMV as to whether your parents will be comfortable with that, or whether moving out again will be like pulling teeth.
I also just remembered that, while choosing a new city, I did in fact "audition" my hometown by spending about a month living with one of my siblings. So doing something like that is also definitely an option.
posted by Sara C. at 10:16 AM on October 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
So, yeah, I think this is absolutely a reasonable thing for you to consider, even if it isn't strictly reasonable to leave an entire country just because your apartment has bugs. There are moments that awaken us to how unhappy we are.
Here's the thing, though. What do you want your life to look like? I think that if what you actively want is to be closer to family and to move back to the UK to be with them (possibly even living in the same premises), then, OK. Personally, I think your fantasy of living in your childhood bedroom and having your dad take care of the hard stuff sounds like just that. But I think there are ways of tunneling through that "adulting is miserable" feeling to find what you actually want.
Could you do some traveling? Go on a vacation. Get yourself some unstructured time to just do whatever and not have any responsibilities. After that, see whether "live under my parents' roof and let them do the heavy lifting" idea sounds like what you actually want. This would also be a good way or time period to examine where you actually do want to be living after Berlin. Maybe that's your parents' house, but maybe it's a place in the same town. Maybe it's a short drive away. Maybe it's elsewhere in the UK, or elsewhere in Germany, or maybe you spend a month in Spain and realize, holy shit, I need to live in Spain. Getting yourself out of the Berlin routine that's making you miserable, but without a strong commitment to any other specific plan, should help you think more clearly about what you actually want.
You could also move back with your parents as a short term solution while you figure out a more permanent living situation/where in the world you want to be. YMMV as to whether your parents will be comfortable with that, or whether moving out again will be like pulling teeth.
I also just remembered that, while choosing a new city, I did in fact "audition" my hometown by spending about a month living with one of my siblings. So doing something like that is also definitely an option.
posted by Sara C. at 10:16 AM on October 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
Make your choices based on what you DO want to do, rather than what you're avoiding or scared of happening. Because, cliche as it is, wherever you go, there you are. I mean, after living in London for a bit, surely you'll have met SOME friends who smoke weed, so "not knowing where to buy it in London" is only going to work for so long as a strategy to quit.
But yeah, there's nothing wrong with deciding you'd rather live someplace else than your current city. Just be realisitic about what it will and won't change about your life.
posted by MsMolly at 12:41 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
But yeah, there's nothing wrong with deciding you'd rather live someplace else than your current city. Just be realisitic about what it will and won't change about your life.
posted by MsMolly at 12:41 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Wondering if you could plan to do this for next year?
London is significantly more expensive than Berlin to live in, and also opportunities are contracting right now and for the foreseeable because of Brexit. Might be worth holding on for another few months to save some money and also hopefully get access to being a European citizen.
posted by stevedawg at 2:33 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
London is significantly more expensive than Berlin to live in, and also opportunities are contracting right now and for the foreseeable because of Brexit. Might be worth holding on for another few months to save some money and also hopefully get access to being a European citizen.
posted by stevedawg at 2:33 PM on October 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
I know different people whom had moved back to places where they used to live, and for similar reasons. They didn't regret their decision per se, but they were sorely disappointed that reality did not measure up to the rosy vision they had of what their lives would be.
I'm not saying "don't go", but I am saying that you will be bringing yourself and your problems along with you. You sound depressed. You can't just move or flip a switch to change that. Regardless of what you decide, you'll have to face this problem and work hard to get better.
There also a good chance that your parents might feel more entitled to have more control of your life since you'll be under their roof again. Be prepared for that. There might be friction. Or you just might find yourself caving in for world peace purposes.
Best of luck to you!
posted by Neekee at 2:49 PM on October 18, 2016
I'm not saying "don't go", but I am saying that you will be bringing yourself and your problems along with you. You sound depressed. You can't just move or flip a switch to change that. Regardless of what you decide, you'll have to face this problem and work hard to get better.
There also a good chance that your parents might feel more entitled to have more control of your life since you'll be under their roof again. Be prepared for that. There might be friction. Or you just might find yourself caving in for world peace purposes.
Best of luck to you!
posted by Neekee at 2:49 PM on October 18, 2016
Best answer: I would have agreed to almost any move when we had a flea infestation a few years ago. There is something very horrible about feeling like you're house is dirty and invaded. And so awful when you find yet another one of those little buggers. I felt the same way again when we had an occurrence of mould in the bedrooms.
Point being, it's unpleasant when there's something wrong with your living environment and it has the tendency to make you obsessed. Also, these things happen and dealing with them is a part of living independently.
Before you make any plans to leave, I would suggest getting the roaches sorted. I suspect you'd have to do that anyway or be penalised by your landlord when you move. Then, with your environment significantly less stressful, you can reassess whether Berlin is right for you, and if not, make a logical, comfortable plan for leaving.
posted by brambory at 12:03 AM on October 19, 2016
Point being, it's unpleasant when there's something wrong with your living environment and it has the tendency to make you obsessed. Also, these things happen and dealing with them is a part of living independently.
Before you make any plans to leave, I would suggest getting the roaches sorted. I suspect you'd have to do that anyway or be penalised by your landlord when you move. Then, with your environment significantly less stressful, you can reassess whether Berlin is right for you, and if not, make a logical, comfortable plan for leaving.
posted by brambory at 12:03 AM on October 19, 2016
Response by poster: Thanks everyone! Marked a few best answers. I think this incident has become a bit of a wake up call, but I do have to get the roach problem sorted before I leave, so by necessity I have some time to think things through fully. I'm not depressed - I've been depressed in the past, and am now doing much better thanks to therapy. But weed, though I love it, definitely masks some of my dissatisfaction. Re: Brexit, this is a huge point of discussion for all my British expat friends. Personally, I feel lucky I have had almost a decade living in a European country, but I wouldn't put myself through it again - it was such a challenge the first time round, not knowing anyone and not speaking the language. I haven't spent more than a couple of weeks with my parents in ten years. I know it will be challenging in many ways, but it will be wonderful to have them more involved in my life again. They've proven they deserve another chance at that.
posted by guessthis at 8:30 AM on October 19, 2016
posted by guessthis at 8:30 AM on October 19, 2016
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The most important part to my way of thinking is you shouldn't move back if you have no plan on how to leave again. You don't have to go far but you do have to have a plan on how to get a job, move out & get your own place, hell it can be just down the street, but you will need your own space. You are not 17 anymore.
But yeah there is nothing wrong with family moving back in with supportive family to gather & regroup their forces as it were. Hell my 40 yo brother just did this after coming out of rehab & after a few months he got himself a job & has felt strong enough to move out by himself, but he still goes home to visit our mother once a week & rings her regularly. Without that safe spot to get himself together who knows what would have happened.
posted by wwax at 8:06 AM on October 18, 2016 [8 favorites]