Should I take a "lady vacation" that could be either horrible or amazing
October 17, 2016 4:57 AM Subscribe
A group of friends are going to Iceland. I said I would go: it's been a rough two years and "I'm worth it." But now it looks like the trip will cost about 800-1000 euros. I'm not sure I'm worth... that much (existential snowflakes below). Should I bail? I am losing sleep over this.
Pro:
Life is short.
Last year my husband and I re-arranged some money to take a trip to see some friends and it was so, so great. Just lovely. So glad we went.
It's been a really hard two years for me. Doing something joyous and luxurious and independent might be a good thing.
Iceland in December = Northern Lights! Ponies! Spas!
Con:
The other times I have travelled with friends, they have been really good, old friends and it's been a big group like triple-date-bring-the-kids style. It has always been great. BUT-- these are some expat friends I have met over the last few years in a new place. We see each other a lot but aren't quite...intimate in some way. Something about hanging out with them all together leaves me with the same feeling as having read a fashion magazine-- kinda shitty. I know that says more about me than them (I earn way less and weigh way more. I am also the only "creative").
The friend who is organizing the trip is trying hard to keep expenses down but already the thought of spending this much is giving me the sweats. This trip will cost what I make in a month. My husband makes more so it's not an irresponsible decision per se but it's all caught up with having a reallllly hard time transitioning to being financially dependent (we used to earn equally) and feeling like my career is less valid (is hanging out with $$ public policy people just gonna make me feel like absolute shit about my baby writing career?)
We already travel a lot (in the six weeks around this trip, have one work trip and two fun trips planned around Europe). First world problems I know. Saving for a big trip to visit family internationally, too.
(Also, this shouldn't even really matter, but my husband will be hella jealous if I see the Northern Lights without him. But has also said over and over that he wants me to go if I want to go, doesn't want to be that guy holding me back, etc. I would feel the same (ie jealous) if our situations were reversed-- neither of us has really taken a friend-vacation apart-- so I trust that this would be minor but not significant drama).
They are going to start finalizing hotels today.
Have you been on a group vacation you weren't sure about but then it was amazing? Should I trust my gut, lose face, and just bail? Would you go on this trip if you were me?
Any advice or relevant experience would make me feel so much better and less hand-wringey about this whole thing.
Pro:
Life is short.
Last year my husband and I re-arranged some money to take a trip to see some friends and it was so, so great. Just lovely. So glad we went.
It's been a really hard two years for me. Doing something joyous and luxurious and independent might be a good thing.
Iceland in December = Northern Lights! Ponies! Spas!
Con:
The other times I have travelled with friends, they have been really good, old friends and it's been a big group like triple-date-bring-the-kids style. It has always been great. BUT-- these are some expat friends I have met over the last few years in a new place. We see each other a lot but aren't quite...intimate in some way. Something about hanging out with them all together leaves me with the same feeling as having read a fashion magazine-- kinda shitty. I know that says more about me than them (I earn way less and weigh way more. I am also the only "creative").
The friend who is organizing the trip is trying hard to keep expenses down but already the thought of spending this much is giving me the sweats. This trip will cost what I make in a month. My husband makes more so it's not an irresponsible decision per se but it's all caught up with having a reallllly hard time transitioning to being financially dependent (we used to earn equally) and feeling like my career is less valid (is hanging out with $$ public policy people just gonna make me feel like absolute shit about my baby writing career?)
We already travel a lot (in the six weeks around this trip, have one work trip and two fun trips planned around Europe). First world problems I know. Saving for a big trip to visit family internationally, too.
(Also, this shouldn't even really matter, but my husband will be hella jealous if I see the Northern Lights without him. But has also said over and over that he wants me to go if I want to go, doesn't want to be that guy holding me back, etc. I would feel the same (ie jealous) if our situations were reversed-- neither of us has really taken a friend-vacation apart-- so I trust that this would be minor but not significant drama).
They are going to start finalizing hotels today.
Have you been on a group vacation you weren't sure about but then it was amazing? Should I trust my gut, lose face, and just bail? Would you go on this trip if you were me?
Any advice or relevant experience would make me feel so much better and less hand-wringey about this whole thing.
Do you want permission to bail? If so, this internet stranger gives you permission to bail. 800-1000Euro is not an immaterial amount to spend on a trip.
However, I have gone on many such trips; and quite frankly, it's usually worked out fine, with the odds being such, that the trips I went on with very close friends have gone hairy, while the ones that I went on with near strangers actually ended up amazing.
If you think there will be sufficient downtime for you to zone out, hang out in a hot spring and chill, then yes, you should go. If you like the cold, and don't mind being apart from your husband, than yes you should go. If you like ridiculous hotdogs at midnight and beautiful northern lights; then yes you should go. If you like ridiculously fluffy ponys, frozen solid amazing waterfalls and pretty decent food, then yes you should go.
HOWEVER, do consider that you'd be with these people for at least 4 days, and that if they make you feel shitty in small doses, maybe pass?
Disclaimer: I've been to Iceland in late November, and it was lovely; but I really like cold.
posted by larthegreat at 5:32 AM on October 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
However, I have gone on many such trips; and quite frankly, it's usually worked out fine, with the odds being such, that the trips I went on with very close friends have gone hairy, while the ones that I went on with near strangers actually ended up amazing.
If you think there will be sufficient downtime for you to zone out, hang out in a hot spring and chill, then yes, you should go. If you like the cold, and don't mind being apart from your husband, than yes you should go. If you like ridiculous hotdogs at midnight and beautiful northern lights; then yes you should go. If you like ridiculously fluffy ponys, frozen solid amazing waterfalls and pretty decent food, then yes you should go.
HOWEVER, do consider that you'd be with these people for at least 4 days, and that if they make you feel shitty in small doses, maybe pass?
Disclaimer: I've been to Iceland in late November, and it was lovely; but I really like cold.
posted by larthegreat at 5:32 AM on October 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
Agree with jon1270. If you feel kinda shitty after hanging out with these people for a little bit, how will you feel after an entire trip with them?
Do something else that causes you less financial worry, either alone or with someone you like better.
posted by bunderful at 5:34 AM on October 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
Do something else that causes you less financial worry, either alone or with someone you like better.
posted by bunderful at 5:34 AM on October 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
When you go with a bunch of friends, you have to do a lot of fitting in. Personally I wouldn't want to spend that much money to do stuff I didn't necessarily want to do, just because the group dynamic required it.
Going somewhere alone or with your husband would probably be more fun.
posted by Grunyon at 5:37 AM on October 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
Going somewhere alone or with your husband would probably be more fun.
posted by Grunyon at 5:37 AM on October 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
Honestly, I would bail.
Not over the money but the my husband will be hella jealous if I see the Northern Lights without him part really spoke to me. This is the sort of thing I (an inveterate crouton-petter) would agonise over for possibly the rest of my life.
Can it. Spend 1000Euro doing something else outrageously indulgent. Go to Iceland with your love next year.
posted by citands at 5:38 AM on October 17, 2016 [9 favorites]
Not over the money but the my husband will be hella jealous if I see the Northern Lights without him part really spoke to me. This is the sort of thing I (an inveterate crouton-petter) would agonise over for possibly the rest of my life.
Can it. Spend 1000Euro doing something else outrageously indulgent. Go to Iceland with your love next year.
posted by citands at 5:38 AM on October 17, 2016 [9 favorites]
You really sound like you want to go on holiday (to this place even!) but not with these people who are cool for a lunch or weekend, not a massive trip.
Spend the money - or 80% with 20% in an Iceland trip 2017 fund - on a solo trip somewhere closer and where you get a chance to be in nature and around interesting people on your own time and decision, not on someone else's schedule.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:40 AM on October 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
Spend the money - or 80% with 20% in an Iceland trip 2017 fund - on a solo trip somewhere closer and where you get a chance to be in nature and around interesting people on your own time and decision, not on someone else's schedule.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:40 AM on October 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
Doing something joyous and luxurious and independent might be a good thing.
Indeed it might, but it sounds like these are not the people around whom you will feel joyous. You are worth not just a trip to Iceland, but a trip to Iceland in positive, affirming, simpatico company. Your husband, your good old friends, even solo! But not these people.
posted by headnsouth at 5:47 AM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
Indeed it might, but it sounds like these are not the people around whom you will feel joyous. You are worth not just a trip to Iceland, but a trip to Iceland in positive, affirming, simpatico company. Your husband, your good old friends, even solo! But not these people.
posted by headnsouth at 5:47 AM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
My answer was 100 percent going to be GO, life is short, until I saw that you don't seem to actually like these people. So, no.
posted by heavenknows at 6:05 AM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by heavenknows at 6:05 AM on October 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all so much. I feel compelled to clarify: I do like these people. They are definitely my best friends in this new place. BUT! I just don't really feel at home around them on some super basic level, especially when it's not one on one. Anyway, just dreaming about lousy-fabulous ways I could spend that kinda dough on myself has turned my frown upside down. Metafilter, you are the greatest. But if other people wanna chime in, please do!
posted by athirstforsalt at 6:14 AM on October 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by athirstforsalt at 6:14 AM on October 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
My instinct when I saw the title was 'hell, yes, go' because Iceland is so stunning, so so stunning, that I can't imagine turning down an opportunity to go. But that changed immediately when I saw your dates.
There's about 4 hours of sunlight and the weather could well be brutal - this isn't a holiday where you can say 'you know what, guys, I'm going to go off and do my own thing today' and head on out independently to look at a waterfall. This is a holiday that needs scheduling to get the most in the daylight hours, will probably require pre-booked tours to get to many places, and may well end up with you all feeling more like you want to hunker down for 18 hours somewhere warm with beer.
So, if you have doubts about hunkering down and being 100% in people's company (or risk missing out on things), don't go. Save the cash, go with your husband when there's more daylight because it's lovely.
posted by AFII at 6:20 AM on October 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
There's about 4 hours of sunlight and the weather could well be brutal - this isn't a holiday where you can say 'you know what, guys, I'm going to go off and do my own thing today' and head on out independently to look at a waterfall. This is a holiday that needs scheduling to get the most in the daylight hours, will probably require pre-booked tours to get to many places, and may well end up with you all feeling more like you want to hunker down for 18 hours somewhere warm with beer.
So, if you have doubts about hunkering down and being 100% in people's company (or risk missing out on things), don't go. Save the cash, go with your husband when there's more daylight because it's lovely.
posted by AFII at 6:20 AM on October 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
This Study Got People to Make Huge Life Decisions by Flipping a Coin: "In a recent study, Steven D. Levitt (of Freakonomics fame) found that people who decided to change their lives in some huge way — quitting a job, getting engaged, getting divorced — were happier than those who took no action, and stuck with the status quo."
No guarantees, but especially because it sounds like this would be a supplemental vacation, not a substitute, permission granted, for what it's worth.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:22 AM on October 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
No guarantees, but especially because it sounds like this would be a supplemental vacation, not a substitute, permission granted, for what it's worth.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:22 AM on October 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think in your situation, I *would* go, if I felt confident that I could use this as an opportunity to get to know these friends better. It could be hard, as it would take a bit of courage to open myself up and probably feel a bit vulnerable but it could also be amazing. It could be a chance for you to build confidence in yourself up a bit.
And on that note, you sound lovely and these people would not have invited you on such a trip if they didn't want to include you. And it sounds like you probably bring in some fresh new conversation and perspective to the group.
posted by like_neon at 6:36 AM on October 17, 2016
And on that note, you sound lovely and these people would not have invited you on such a trip if they didn't want to include you. And it sounds like you probably bring in some fresh new conversation and perspective to the group.
posted by like_neon at 6:36 AM on October 17, 2016
If you had 800-1000 euros to spend entirely on yourself, guilt free, would this trip even be near the top of how you'd want to spend it? "Oh my gosh, I wish I could get so and so and her and her and everybody together and go to iceland!"? Or... are there other alternatives you'd enjoy much more?
That said, I'm a strong supporter of the coin flip above. Flip a coin. Which side do you find yourself secretly rooting for? There's your answer.
If you want to bail, there's no "losing face". "Sorry, this just wont be possible for me this time around after all. I hope you all have an amazing time tho, and I expect to see pictures!" is all thats required.
posted by cgg at 6:52 AM on October 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
That said, I'm a strong supporter of the coin flip above. Flip a coin. Which side do you find yourself secretly rooting for? There's your answer.
If you want to bail, there's no "losing face". "Sorry, this just wont be possible for me this time around after all. I hope you all have an amazing time tho, and I expect to see pictures!" is all thats required.
posted by cgg at 6:52 AM on October 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Have you been on a group vacation you weren't sure about but then it was amazing?
Pretty much this. I can't say this will apply in your specific situation, but it's perfectly possible that hanging out with these friends outside your normal milieu might offer one or two special moments that will break the ice and bring a little more depth and ease to your friendship.
And I'm coming from a U.S. perspective here, but 1000 euro for a trip to Iceland (how many nights, though?) seems quite reasonable. Still: a lot of dark and cold, if you can handle it.
posted by psoas at 7:18 AM on October 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Pretty much this. I can't say this will apply in your specific situation, but it's perfectly possible that hanging out with these friends outside your normal milieu might offer one or two special moments that will break the ice and bring a little more depth and ease to your friendship.
And I'm coming from a U.S. perspective here, but 1000 euro for a trip to Iceland (how many nights, though?) seems quite reasonable. Still: a lot of dark and cold, if you can handle it.
posted by psoas at 7:18 AM on October 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
A trip away can be the thing that turns casual friends/acquaintances into serious lifelong companions. Sharing all the days, and all the ups and downs that will occur, may be something that turns this group of friends into something much more meaningful to you.
However, the same thing that can do that (daily doses of problem solving, decision making, spontaneity, etc.) can also end friendships.
If these friends seem like genuinely good people that you get along with and want to get to know better, I think you should go. If they're nice enough but you're always glad to leave after seeing them and can get annoyed by small things they do... don't go.
posted by twirlypen at 7:37 AM on October 17, 2016
However, the same thing that can do that (daily doses of problem solving, decision making, spontaneity, etc.) can also end friendships.
If these friends seem like genuinely good people that you get along with and want to get to know better, I think you should go. If they're nice enough but you're always glad to leave after seeing them and can get annoyed by small things they do... don't go.
posted by twirlypen at 7:37 AM on October 17, 2016
Iceland is crazy expensive. I don't know how much research you've done, but I did a fair bit of research before my wife and I went and we still spent about 50 Euros a day over our budget and we didn't even do anything expensive.
So... bear that in mind?
posted by 256 at 8:07 AM on October 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
So... bear that in mind?
posted by 256 at 8:07 AM on October 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
I went to Iceland this past March and it was one of my most favorite vacations ever. I would NEVER pass up a chance to go there. Also, I went with a group of people who were very nice but... mostly wanted to stay at the hotel and did not go out at night AT ALL. Like not one single night. So even though I went with a group, I was mostly on my own. And it was still awesome!
posted by silverstatue at 9:14 AM on October 17, 2016
posted by silverstatue at 9:14 AM on October 17, 2016
yeah, I think for that much money, you should really be looking forward to this trip. And you clearly aren't. There's no judgement about any of it or your friends, it just sounds like this is not worth the money and time. I would plan something else fun to do with part of the money, though, so that you feel like you did splurge a bit on yourself!
posted by dawkins_7 at 12:21 PM on October 17, 2016
posted by dawkins_7 at 12:21 PM on October 17, 2016
I was all jazzed up to be like CARPE DIEM TAKE THAT TRIP but man, your "more inside" put the kibosh on that right quick. You already have two European vacations planned in six weeks? Plus another trip? Plus saving for a big family trip?
I would tell the ladies that you won't make it this time but that you're really looking forward to seeing pics.
posted by amicamentis at 12:55 PM on October 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
I would tell the ladies that you won't make it this time but that you're really looking forward to seeing pics.
posted by amicamentis at 12:55 PM on October 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
I had a really mixed experience with a group trip (though travel group, not friends). Parts of the trip itself, Guatemala and Belize, were amazing, and some people in the group were compatible with me (maybe 20%), but the rest of the people in our group really made parts of the trip hard for me. And I've been on trips with people I like, but oops not in the we.can.travel.together.well ways! I learned from these experiences that personal interactions and dynamics aren't things I can always just block out on a trip to enjoy where I am. I'm really sensitive to certain things and have to respect that about myself. I think if you have these interaction concerns right now, it's a sign to gently bow out of this particular trip, unless you're truly ok with taking a risk that it might be bumpy.
posted by soakimbo at 6:20 PM on October 17, 2016
posted by soakimbo at 6:20 PM on October 17, 2016
Only want to add that northern lights mostly happen around sept and march in Iceland so the chances to see them in December is pretty slim. You'll have about 5 hours of daylight and it'll probably be snowing and cloudy.
posted by monologish at 8:51 AM on October 18, 2016
posted by monologish at 8:51 AM on October 18, 2016
Response by poster: ... I cancelled and feel pretty great about it. Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I will save the money for the trips we are already taking, send myself to a way-fancy spa in the countryside I considered above my pay grade and, since you are also right that trips can turn acquaintances into lifelong friends-- have asked my closest Iceland-friend on a less expensive overnight nature getaway. She was super excited. It's crazy to think that all this will cost less.
posted by athirstforsalt at 11:57 PM on October 18, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by athirstforsalt at 11:57 PM on October 18, 2016 [5 favorites]
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Would you go on this trip if you were me?
No, but I'd start brainstorming what I could do instead that would actually seem worth doing.
posted by jon1270 at 5:23 AM on October 17, 2016 [26 favorites]