Should I not say anything?
October 10, 2016 4:02 AM Subscribe
I met a great man about a year or so ago right after getting out of an abusive relationship. I left after a few weeks to figure myself out. I never told him about the nature of the relationship I left, just that I needed time and could I get back in touch when I was in a better place but that I didnt know how long that would be.
He wrote me about 3 or 4 months out of it and I never wrote back. My ex's voice was in my head telling me I would just be feeding my ego or using him in some way. I didn't know what to do and so I just didn't respond until it seemed too late. I thought about him alot though as he had reminded me what a good relationship can and should look like. Though it was only a month or so of dating, he showed me respect and caring and understanding that was absent in my multi year relationship. He helped me heal and gave me hope in a dark time. I wrote him about a week ago. It was very short and just said sorry and I was sure he was in a relationship but I'd love to hear from him if not. I didnt get a response but truth is I'd love to be friends or catch up even if he is with someone. I also want to let him know how he helped me. I feel like too many times, people never know what their kindness meant to someone. Little things can mean alot in hard times. But I don't want to bug him or seem like I'm using it to get him to talk to me. Would you want to get an email from a girl you dated for a month a year ago explaining why she was kinda messed up and how you helped or is it best to just keep quiet?
He wrote me about 3 or 4 months out of it and I never wrote back. My ex's voice was in my head telling me I would just be feeding my ego or using him in some way. I didn't know what to do and so I just didn't respond until it seemed too late. I thought about him alot though as he had reminded me what a good relationship can and should look like. Though it was only a month or so of dating, he showed me respect and caring and understanding that was absent in my multi year relationship. He helped me heal and gave me hope in a dark time. I wrote him about a week ago. It was very short and just said sorry and I was sure he was in a relationship but I'd love to hear from him if not. I didnt get a response but truth is I'd love to be friends or catch up even if he is with someone. I also want to let him know how he helped me. I feel like too many times, people never know what their kindness meant to someone. Little things can mean alot in hard times. But I don't want to bug him or seem like I'm using it to get him to talk to me. Would you want to get an email from a girl you dated for a month a year ago explaining why she was kinda messed up and how you helped or is it best to just keep quiet?
Because you wrote him a week ago, no, I wouldn't write to him again. You put the ball in his court by doing that, and that's where I would leave it.
Wanting to thank him (in addition to wanting to date him) doesn't change things, imo.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:34 AM on October 10, 2016 [7 favorites]
Wanting to thank him (in addition to wanting to date him) doesn't change things, imo.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:34 AM on October 10, 2016 [7 favorites]
In a not too dissimilar situation, I got a reply after 3 or 4 months. He might be in a relationship and feel it's not appropriate to respond. He may just need to process it. Give it time.
posted by trotzdem_kunst at 4:59 AM on October 10, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by trotzdem_kunst at 4:59 AM on October 10, 2016 [4 favorites]
Give it time. You could consider sending a low key follow up, but only after a long time, six months or a year maybe.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:03 AM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Dip Flash at 5:03 AM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think writing to him a second time shortly after you sent him a letter asking him to get in touch if he wasn’t in a relationship is going to send the wrong kind of message. If I was on the receiving end of two such notes in succession I would feel as if I was being emotionally manipulated into rekindling a relationship that as far as I was concerned was dead - the person concerned had ghosted on me & not been in the contact since (in a perfectly reasonable way, but still).
Either he’ll reply to the first note or not, in his own time.
posted by pharm at 5:15 AM on October 10, 2016 [8 favorites]
Either he’ll reply to the first note or not, in his own time.
posted by pharm at 5:15 AM on October 10, 2016 [8 favorites]
The only reason I'd send a second message is if you think the first one was the wrong tone, and if you could be satisfied with the second one being a final message into the void with no request for contact and no expectations on him to do/say anything. It sounds like you want to date/see this guy and not just send him an apology/thank-you card. So in that situation I'd agree with the advice here to wait.
posted by Lady Li at 6:42 AM on October 10, 2016
posted by Lady Li at 6:42 AM on October 10, 2016
It was very short and just said sorry and I was sure he was in a relationship but I'd love to hear from him if not.
I agree that if you're feeling the "I want to date you" vibe you should wait.
If you want to sincerely thank him for helping you, since you said the note was short, you could always send a nice card through the mail. I've done that. With no expectation of a response. I did that as part of the 12 steps in the Al-Anon group I had joined. I was just letting someone know that I didn't mean to leave them hanging (or literally disappear in the morning) and here was the why and here was the wonderful thing they did for me and thank you so so much.
And I wished them the very best and went away and worked on myself.
posted by It'sANewDawn at 8:32 AM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
I agree that if you're feeling the "I want to date you" vibe you should wait.
If you want to sincerely thank him for helping you, since you said the note was short, you could always send a nice card through the mail. I've done that. With no expectation of a response. I did that as part of the 12 steps in the Al-Anon group I had joined. I was just letting someone know that I didn't mean to leave them hanging (or literally disappear in the morning) and here was the why and here was the wonderful thing they did for me and thank you so so much.
And I wished them the very best and went away and worked on myself.
posted by It'sANewDawn at 8:32 AM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
Seeing it from his point of view - you broke up with him when all seemed to be going well, without any explanation, then ignored his attempt to get in touch, and then just when he'd come to terms with the fact that you didn't want to know, you got in touch out of the blue with another message that didn't really explain what was going on. Personally I would be quite hurt by this kind of behaviour and if I got a message saying "thank you for helping" my reply would be along the lines of "well great but you didn't help me, actually I was really hurt by your behaviour".
So I think if you're going to contact him again, I would not say "thank you", I would say "sorry" and explain your mitigating circumstances and reassure him that he did nothing wrong. That's a big "if" because I agree with the others, sending a follow-up so soon is going to be a bit odd. At best he's feeling a bit unsettled by your message and is thinking about whether to reply and what to say, at worst he's moved on, maybe in a relationship, and thinks it best to make a clean break by not answering.
posted by intensitymultiply at 10:38 AM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
So I think if you're going to contact him again, I would not say "thank you", I would say "sorry" and explain your mitigating circumstances and reassure him that he did nothing wrong. That's a big "if" because I agree with the others, sending a follow-up so soon is going to be a bit odd. At best he's feeling a bit unsettled by your message and is thinking about whether to reply and what to say, at worst he's moved on, maybe in a relationship, and thinks it best to make a clean break by not answering.
posted by intensitymultiply at 10:38 AM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
Since you already sent an email, following up with a card would be too much, in my opinion.
posted by delight at 10:38 AM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by delight at 10:38 AM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
I would want to hear that from you. It would mean a lot to know why I'd been ghosted and that I'd helped. It would feel good if you were clear that this was meant to help him, and that you didn't expect anything from him, that you were just concerned that your behavior had sent an inappropriately cold message. I'd be very glad to hear this, even if I'd moved on and was in a new relationship. I'd especially appreciate it if it were hand written and mailed, because that makes it clear you're not expecting me to hit Reply. And because he has your email address from last week's note, if he does want to hit Reply, he can.
I never understand advice to not say something kind, appreciative, or positive. I just don't see how reaching out and telling someone good about them is a bad idea, as long as it doesn't come across as an ask.
posted by Capri at 11:48 AM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
I never understand advice to not say something kind, appreciative, or positive. I just don't see how reaching out and telling someone good about them is a bad idea, as long as it doesn't come across as an ask.
posted by Capri at 11:48 AM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
If it were me, yes I wouldn't mind hearing from you again. But you've already proven to him that you're the sort that can flake on a relationship without explanation and so I wouldn't be interested at all in starting things up again. From his end it almost certainly looks like you had a better option you played with and, when that didn't work out, you came back to him as second best.
posted by tillsbury at 12:00 PM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by tillsbury at 12:00 PM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
There's a good chance this man feels used. He was good to you, did all the right things, and you rewarded this by abandoning him without a word. I'm sure you did the best you could at the time but from his perspective, that was a shitty thing to be on the receiving end of.
So don't hold onto hope. You killed his trust.
Even if he does respond, he will always have your earlier behavior lingering in his mind, wondering when it will happen again. Not if.
Sorry. Channel your appreciation into the next good man who comes your way.
posted by trinity8-director at 12:43 PM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
So don't hold onto hope. You killed his trust.
Even if he does respond, he will always have your earlier behavior lingering in his mind, wondering when it will happen again. Not if.
Sorry. Channel your appreciation into the next good man who comes your way.
posted by trinity8-director at 12:43 PM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'd just let it go. You aren't doing him any favors by reminding him that he almost had a relationship with you. You might feel more closure but this isn't just about you. If I got this sort of email from someone I had dated I would be a little miffed that they would assume I'm still single and available and waiting patiently for them to get back to me when they're ready.
posted by deathpanels at 2:25 PM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by deathpanels at 2:25 PM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
Hi anon, my advice is you're going to have to accept it for what it is, go with the flow, and let it play out. If he never gets back in contact, so be it. Do try and envision it from his perspective that (as others have already said) if it was a good connection before and then you ghosted, he might feel really screwed with to get a cryptic message so many months after the fact. It's also possible that he was simply what you needed at that time, and not that he was neccessarily the soul-mate-type companion-for-life but maybe just for that period of your life.
On the other hand, if the connection is really there, then maybe you need to let him have the slack he needs, to get his own life in order, and trust that if/when he's ready to reach out, he will. It sounds like you're dealing with some heavy personal stuff, and chance are he felt that. Chances are just as easily it brought up heavy stuff for him too. It's impossible to know unless he chooses to reach out again, if the trust didn't become too damaged in how things ended. Keep in mind too that your behavior would have definitely sent out "I'm mega-scared of this intimacy" vibes, which can scare the *wrong* guys away. If he's a *wrong guy for you* after all, then let it be. Maybe it's more than he can handle without being the white knight of your life -- which is okay (saves you from wasting further time).
Whatever you do, if you really want to honor yourself in this situation, do not push that river. Just let flow, and trust that it can work itself out (i.e. your experience with him was one of many steps on a road of learning, or that these experiences can happen to us at anytime, and tragically sometimes when we aren't ready for them to happen yet). In the meantime you can keep confronting the demons within so that you *will* be ready next time. Be gentle with yourself, no matter the outcome. Good luck.
posted by human ecologist at 8:04 PM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
On the other hand, if the connection is really there, then maybe you need to let him have the slack he needs, to get his own life in order, and trust that if/when he's ready to reach out, he will. It sounds like you're dealing with some heavy personal stuff, and chance are he felt that. Chances are just as easily it brought up heavy stuff for him too. It's impossible to know unless he chooses to reach out again, if the trust didn't become too damaged in how things ended. Keep in mind too that your behavior would have definitely sent out "I'm mega-scared of this intimacy" vibes, which can scare the *wrong* guys away. If he's a *wrong guy for you* after all, then let it be. Maybe it's more than he can handle without being the white knight of your life -- which is okay (saves you from wasting further time).
Whatever you do, if you really want to honor yourself in this situation, do not push that river. Just let flow, and trust that it can work itself out (i.e. your experience with him was one of many steps on a road of learning, or that these experiences can happen to us at anytime, and tragically sometimes when we aren't ready for them to happen yet). In the meantime you can keep confronting the demons within so that you *will* be ready next time. Be gentle with yourself, no matter the outcome. Good luck.
posted by human ecologist at 8:04 PM on October 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
Human ecologist's advice is great. It may be that he doesn't write back, and that's that. Even so, this experience is still a good experience for you, a healing experience. He was kind and gentle to you, and that set off some land mines left from your previous abusive relationship. You had to work through those, work through those things that you couldn't foresee, and you did the best you could at the time.
Truly, if you guys dated for a few weeks--I'm sure it was a great connection, and the emotions you both felt were real, but it was super duper early days of a relationship. You didn't betray him or leave him high and dry... It was just dating, and it didn't work out, and it didn't work out for completely legitimate reasons, which is to say that you were still healing from a seriously bad situation. It's OK if you didn't step away "perfectly", whatever that is. It's OK if you weren't ready to reveal the deeply painful intimate reasons why you were stepping away, because that level of vulnerability wasn't appropriate for a dating relationship of a few weeks.
It's OK that you sent him the note that you did. Now let it go. Thankfully--*thankfully*!--there are other kind, gentle men out there. And thankfully--*thankfully*!--you are farther along in your healing, and more ready to meet them where they are. You didn't miss the boat.
posted by Sublimity at 3:59 AM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
Truly, if you guys dated for a few weeks--I'm sure it was a great connection, and the emotions you both felt were real, but it was super duper early days of a relationship. You didn't betray him or leave him high and dry... It was just dating, and it didn't work out, and it didn't work out for completely legitimate reasons, which is to say that you were still healing from a seriously bad situation. It's OK if you didn't step away "perfectly", whatever that is. It's OK if you weren't ready to reveal the deeply painful intimate reasons why you were stepping away, because that level of vulnerability wasn't appropriate for a dating relationship of a few weeks.
It's OK that you sent him the note that you did. Now let it go. Thankfully--*thankfully*!--there are other kind, gentle men out there. And thankfully--*thankfully*!--you are farther along in your healing, and more ready to meet them where they are. You didn't miss the boat.
posted by Sublimity at 3:59 AM on October 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
« Older "I know we can't talk, but c'mon, you've been... | Wanted: distracting internet stuff, NOT politics... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think you've said all you need to say.
I hope you meet someone else who is also kind and treats you with respect.
posted by NatalieWood at 4:32 AM on October 10, 2016 [11 favorites]