Should I STOP ask guys out in order to achieve better results?
October 8, 2016 4:30 PM Subscribe
I'm wondering if asking men out sets the tone of being the pursuer - one man in particular. What are your thoughts?
For the last 2 years I have not been particularly lucky in love, which is okay, because I had been lucky for about a decade before then. I have been down for about a year about things not going the way I have wanted them too. I had also felt disappointment at not having friendships in my life blossom into something more romantic. I believe this is because half of my relationships so far began as friendships first & developed later.
Anyway, in recent months I have been taking some time to think about what I really want. The more I think about it the more I don't want a man that is artsy like me, but a man that shares my values and shares the long-term goal that I share for life (I'm almost 25).
I decided to go back online 2-3 weeks ago. After a couple of weeks, a guy who I had actively 'matched' with sent me an interesting first message - it really made him stand out above the other guys. He asked me thoughtful questions and in return, so have I. He appears to share very similar values to myself in a long-term way, and is actively seeking a partner to share the same things that I am, which is somewhat promising. We've been talking for 10 emails now and I have a good feeling...but he hasn't asked me out yet!
All of my ex-boyfriends, bar one, asked me out first and actively pursued me. The last man that I pursued I always felt like the relationship was unequal - I felt I was often chasing him for dates. So now, this guy...it has been 10 messages and he hasn't asked me out! I really want to...he seems like someone I could get along with...but obviously I have to meet to see if there is chemistry. If I at want to be at least somewhat pursued, should I filter men out, by fading out from the guys that don't ask me out?
For the last 2 years I have not been particularly lucky in love, which is okay, because I had been lucky for about a decade before then. I have been down for about a year about things not going the way I have wanted them too. I had also felt disappointment at not having friendships in my life blossom into something more romantic. I believe this is because half of my relationships so far began as friendships first & developed later.
Anyway, in recent months I have been taking some time to think about what I really want. The more I think about it the more I don't want a man that is artsy like me, but a man that shares my values and shares the long-term goal that I share for life (I'm almost 25).
I decided to go back online 2-3 weeks ago. After a couple of weeks, a guy who I had actively 'matched' with sent me an interesting first message - it really made him stand out above the other guys. He asked me thoughtful questions and in return, so have I. He appears to share very similar values to myself in a long-term way, and is actively seeking a partner to share the same things that I am, which is somewhat promising. We've been talking for 10 emails now and I have a good feeling...but he hasn't asked me out yet!
All of my ex-boyfriends, bar one, asked me out first and actively pursued me. The last man that I pursued I always felt like the relationship was unequal - I felt I was often chasing him for dates. So now, this guy...it has been 10 messages and he hasn't asked me out! I really want to...he seems like someone I could get along with...but obviously I have to meet to see if there is chemistry. If I at want to be at least somewhat pursued, should I filter men out, by fading out from the guys that don't ask me out?
Invite him out. If the relationship develops where you feel you are the one sided pursuer, dump him then. Don't pre-assume (presume) what will happen.
posted by AugustWest at 5:08 PM on October 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 5:08 PM on October 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
After a couple of weeks, a guy who I had actively 'matched' with sent me an interesting first message
He sent the first message, so he's waiting for you to ask for the first date. If you'd written first, I'd say the opposite, but this is the most polite and civilized way to handle things before you know each other and know if you each have a preference for role-playing or not -- you take turns, and he's politely waiting his. You don't have to ask him out if it makes you too uncomfortable but I think you should, and don't worry unless he fails to take the initiative for the second. But a thoughtful man will expect to alternate unless requested to do otherwise.
you can still ask him to be the primary initiator of things once you start going out, if you do start going out seriously, and maybe he'll like that, but for any decent guy you will have to actively ask.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:38 PM on October 8, 2016
He sent the first message, so he's waiting for you to ask for the first date. If you'd written first, I'd say the opposite, but this is the most polite and civilized way to handle things before you know each other and know if you each have a preference for role-playing or not -- you take turns, and he's politely waiting his. You don't have to ask him out if it makes you too uncomfortable but I think you should, and don't worry unless he fails to take the initiative for the second. But a thoughtful man will expect to alternate unless requested to do otherwise.
you can still ask him to be the primary initiator of things once you start going out, if you do start going out seriously, and maybe he'll like that, but for any decent guy you will have to actively ask.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:38 PM on October 8, 2016
Ask him out. You're drastically overthinking all of this.
posted by Sara C. at 5:51 PM on October 8, 2016 [20 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 5:51 PM on October 8, 2016 [20 favorites]
Yeah, ask him out.
I think it's a good thing to make sure that relationship initiative isn't entirely one-sided, so don't let yourself get in the rut where you're doing all the asking. But in a relationship with good give-and-take, every partner initiates some part of the time. Go ahead and ask him out. If you guys hit it off and he doesn't follow up with a suggestion about the next time, then start to wonder.
posted by Sublimity at 5:53 PM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think it's a good thing to make sure that relationship initiative isn't entirely one-sided, so don't let yourself get in the rut where you're doing all the asking. But in a relationship with good give-and-take, every partner initiates some part of the time. Go ahead and ask him out. If you guys hit it off and he doesn't follow up with a suggestion about the next time, then start to wonder.
posted by Sublimity at 5:53 PM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Sounds like these 10 emails were all this week, maybe over just a few days? What occurs to me is avoiding going straight into a weekend date right away. If he likes you the way you like him, he may just be being deliberate.
This is the first time I've heard of the initiator being the one who gets asked out. I like it. Ask him out for a mid week date, and if it goes well you can make plans for Friday or Saturday.
posted by rhizome at 6:43 PM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
This is the first time I've heard of the initiator being the one who gets asked out. I like it. Ask him out for a mid week date, and if it goes well you can make plans for Friday or Saturday.
posted by rhizome at 6:43 PM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you feel like putting the ball in his court and you're comfortable giving him your phone number, i suggest saying something like, "It's been great chatting with you! If you'd like to get together for [insert thing perviously discussed in past 10 emails], let me know. Feel free to text me at 1234567 to coordinate!"
Otherwise, just ask him out yourself. :)
posted by too bad you're not me at 9:56 PM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Otherwise, just ask him out yourself. :)
posted by too bad you're not me at 9:56 PM on October 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
If I at want to be at least somewhat pursued...
Is your goal to be a prize, or is your goal to find a guy you like?
Because if it's the latter, stop overthinking it and ask guys out if you like them. It's not a game unless you start treating it like a game.
posted by rokusan at 10:40 PM on October 8, 2016 [8 favorites]
Is your goal to be a prize, or is your goal to find a guy you like?
Because if it's the latter, stop overthinking it and ask guys out if you like them. It's not a game unless you start treating it like a game.
posted by rokusan at 10:40 PM on October 8, 2016 [8 favorites]
I think you should ask him out. You don't really have enough data to say that the reason your last relationship failed was because you asked him out first.
Things to consider:
- if you exchange too many messages before meeting, you may build up inaccurate impressions of each other.
- you might really regret it if you don't meet him.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 4:42 AM on October 9, 2016
Things to consider:
- if you exchange too many messages before meeting, you may build up inaccurate impressions of each other.
- you might really regret it if you don't meet him.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 4:42 AM on October 9, 2016
If I had waited for others to ask me out, I'd be a middle aged gay virgin.
Calm down, take a deep breath and ask the guy out. It's 2016 and there is nothing wrong for a girl to ask a boy out.
posted by james33 at 6:52 AM on October 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Calm down, take a deep breath and ask the guy out. It's 2016 and there is nothing wrong for a girl to ask a boy out.
posted by james33 at 6:52 AM on October 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
You need to know more about this guy and what he's like before you construct too many expectations/hopes/fantasies about him. Ask him out for a walk or a coffee. It doesn't have to be a proper date -- you could make it be something you'd do with friends, or better, with a new friend that you wanted to get to know better.
I accidentally asked out my future husband without realizing I was "asking him out" by suggesting we go for a walk together. I wanted to get to know this intriguing person better, and what better way?
posted by heatherlogan at 7:41 AM on October 9, 2016
I accidentally asked out my future husband without realizing I was "asking him out" by suggesting we go for a walk together. I wanted to get to know this intriguing person better, and what better way?
posted by heatherlogan at 7:41 AM on October 9, 2016
Best answer: I think in this case you can suggest a coffee date meet n greet kind of thing without it being a full on date so go for it.
However I also want to let you know that I have been the instigator /pursuer more often than not over the course of my life and in fact it does often seem that this puts me in a particular position in the minds of my boyfriends. Perhaps I am unconsciously drawn to passive men, but yeah that passivity starts to feel like passive/aggressive behavior after a bit.
Online meetings are their own animal. Spend as little time as possible chatting electronically before meeting in person in a casual setting and at the end of the first meet say, "I have really enjoyed this! I'd love to get together again some time" (or "Thanks for meeting up. You seem like a very nice person but I don't think we're a good match.") and then let him take the reins. If you want to be with someone who will actively participate in date planning (and expense sharing) don't make my mistake. Give him room to ask you out and don't be too proactive. Remember that people will show you who they are pretty early on so you actually can weed out guys like my boyfriends fairly quickly.
posted by janey47 at 7:46 AM on October 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
However I also want to let you know that I have been the instigator /pursuer more often than not over the course of my life and in fact it does often seem that this puts me in a particular position in the minds of my boyfriends. Perhaps I am unconsciously drawn to passive men, but yeah that passivity starts to feel like passive/aggressive behavior after a bit.
Online meetings are their own animal. Spend as little time as possible chatting electronically before meeting in person in a casual setting and at the end of the first meet say, "I have really enjoyed this! I'd love to get together again some time" (or "Thanks for meeting up. You seem like a very nice person but I don't think we're a good match.") and then let him take the reins. If you want to be with someone who will actively participate in date planning (and expense sharing) don't make my mistake. Give him room to ask you out and don't be too proactive. Remember that people will show you who they are pretty early on so you actually can weed out guys like my boyfriends fairly quickly.
posted by janey47 at 7:46 AM on October 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
Dear God, ask the man out already!
posted by penguin pie at 7:48 AM on October 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by penguin pie at 7:48 AM on October 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Subtly drop that you really like a man who takes the initiative and plans a date, that it doesn't have to be anything huge, just coffee or a walk but that you find that really attractive. And then you see...
posted by mossy_george at 4:30 PM on October 9, 2016
posted by mossy_george at 4:30 PM on October 9, 2016
I'm not one to perpetuate gender stereotypes, but I have to be the dissenting voice here - I think you should leave it up to him to ask you out. In the meantime, put your focus elsewhere.
posted by NatalieWood at 4:36 AM on October 10, 2016
posted by NatalieWood at 4:36 AM on October 10, 2016
Ask him out and then see how things unfold.. if he doesn't actively pursue you after the first date, then take stock of things and go from there.
posted by Gray Skies at 7:14 AM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Gray Skies at 7:14 AM on October 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. I asked him out and he accepted very quickly and enthusiastically! I will keep an eye on whether he initiates more easily after this because the balance is definitely important to me (if date one is a hit that is!) - I will also be mindful of giving him more space to do this. It's good to keep flexing the dating muscle either way...
posted by Kat_Dubs at 3:39 PM on October 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Kat_Dubs at 3:39 PM on October 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
« Older Pick Your Refrigerator Lupita | Moving from the big city (NYC) to somewhere in the... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
tl;dr - Invite the guy for coffee already!
posted by Thella at 4:44 PM on October 8, 2016 [33 favorites]