Help my rational mind prevail.

October 4, 2016 8:31 AM

I (26F) have just started seeing a guy (27M). I like to think of myself as an analytical, rational person, but ever since our first date I have been basically unable to properly eat, sleep, or focus on anything. Help me avoid getting swept up by my elevated dopamine and lowered serotonin levels!

We met on an app, chatted for a couple of weeks, and had our first date last weekend. We are planning to see each other again this weekend. I have never clicked (romantically) with someone this intensely, at least not as an adult. And I have only ever clicked this quickly with someone once - my (platonic) best friend of over 7 years. As far as I can tell he feels similarly, though of course I don't know him very well yet!

We really hit it off on our date and I've been downright giddy ever since. I've been vaguely nauseous and unable to sleep. I can't concentrate on anything. I am trying to enjoy these feelings but honestly I also really enjoy going to bed at a reasonable hour and being able to read a complete page from a book without getting distracted. Plus, this is extremely new and I don't want to get carried away.

So, what can I do to stay grounded here?

posted by schroedingersgirl to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Sounds like you're experiencing limerence. Lots of great art comes out of that phase- it can be very creative if you decide to examine your feelings or the other person or something else that relates to the feeling rather than trying to get out of the feeling.

Personally I think limerence is kind of awesome and not meant to skip- it's a big goofy part of being alive and is a boost of dopey energy that's kinda fun. When people reminisce about being young, this is often what they're talking about.

My advice is actually to experiment with giving into it and see how it feels- not because you will or won't get the guy in the end- this feeling is kind of only tangentially related to the specific person anyway- but because it's a new part of YOU that you get to meet. I hope you find a way to enjoy it!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:43 AM on October 4, 2016 [10 favorites]

Sitting with the feeling, exploring it a little, and then letting your rational mind remind you that it was only one date, that you don't really know him yet, can be helpful in being able to do other things, too. Because it's mostly about potential for the future and possibilities and all you really have is right now, where nothing in that relationship is changing. So let yourself be excited for this weekend, but also try to root yourself in your own today some, too, think about yourself and your needs and your exercise, food, book - whatever it is that grounds yourself here and now in the realization that you're pretty great and deserve things like sleep (as well as exciting new people).
posted by ldthomps at 8:52 AM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for the feedback so far! Super helpful.

Just to clarify:

* I'm familiar with limerence and totally agree that this is that.

* This guy is definitely not "talking a big game against emotion or for rationality." Actually, from what I've seen so far, he is very feminist and progressive. I'm the one who's not enjoying feeling fuzzy/distracted.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 9:44 AM on October 4, 2016

I envy you!

I find that reading some romantic poetry or watching a funny romantic film (nothing long like a novel) helps take the edge off the intense chemical reactions happening inside me. It kinda helps me enjoy and work out the hormonal craziness in a safe imaginative space. YMMV.
posted by norwegianleather at 9:49 AM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

Omg enjoy it!!

Just don't make any big decisions right now.

I agree it can be uncomfortable to be unable to eat/sleep etc. But don't fight it. Hug a teddy bear and dance. Get outside on a sunny day. Allowing your body to express the light-hearted excitement can take the edge off. I think fighting it only makes it worse.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:28 AM on October 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Limerence has worked out so well for me that I have been able to use it to lose weight (much needed) and to quit smoking (after smoking a pack a day for 30 years). I said at the time I quit that I only hoped the relationship would last long enough that when it ended I wouldn't start smoking again.

Do you have any self-improvement projects you've been putting off? Use limerence to your advantage!!
posted by janey47 at 10:45 AM on October 4, 2016 [9 favorites]

I find it helpful to journal about my feelings and analyse it to death. I find that part of the on-edge thing is rooted in the fact that I want approval/acceptance/love and I lack info. Writing helps keep me grounded in reality and helps me not take fantasies of marriage etc too seriously. A la "Whatever I am feeling, it is not like I have an engagement ring yet."

That also helps free me up to view fantasies as an attempt to mentally model the problem space and do some problem solving. It makes it easier for me to recognize that my fantasies are not really evidence that I am in love. They are evidence that there are 10,000 million things I do not know about him and I am desperately trying to figure out how this will go or how I should react if he does say or do X.

It reframes it from "I desperately want him to do X (kiss me, whatever)" to "If x happens, these are the issues that concern me and I would like to be prepared for addressing those issues because I do not actually trust that he is as accepting of me as he may seem and it is important to me that this not lead to y, z or q. (STD, unexpected pregnancy, whatevs)"
posted by Michele in California at 11:44 AM on October 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: No, I totally get why you're uneasy. What's helped me in a similar situation is getting all-out silly with it (safely, in my own head -- because that's the source of the discomfort, anyway, right? these bubbly feelings are a bit trite, and undignified, and distracting, and maybe worst of all what if you're WRONG WRONG WRONG and this thing flames out, possibly in some spectacular, face-melting way? and then you'll have to double down on the embarrassment by remembering how excited and optimistic you were back in the halcyon days of yore, and oh, brain, why can't you be nicer).

Take a step back, envision yourself as the stereotypical rom-com heroine, and build an over-the-top mental film montage when you can't sleep. Make yourself laugh. Probably the best part of limerence -- well, the second-best part, after the creativity mentioned above -- is the opportunity to take yourself a little less seriously.

I recognize your username, and I know you're a smart, sensible woman. You even mention rationality in the question title, but since it's partly causing this issue, that cannot be your refuge right now. And that's really uncomfortable, too, and I'm sorry.

(This got long, and I didn't write any of it to come off, I don't know, flippant in any way, when you're having a difficult time.) (But I also think it's another type of awful when lovely, well-meaning, obviously well-intentioned people tell you to 'just enjoy the butterflies,' like that's a thing you do on the regular.)
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:51 AM on October 4, 2016 [7 favorites]

I just had this "problem" and asked my therapist about it. She said it was completely, totally normal and I should enjoy it, but keep my regular routine as much as possible. Make sure the big 3 were taken care of (food, sleep, hygiene) and the rest will work itself out. As far as being overwhelmed because it's so new and the feelings are so strong, my therapist advised me to treat it (internally) as a game. You work at leveling up, but if you "lose," you will respawn. Focusing on the knowledge that everything will be okay, no matter what happens, helped ground me.
posted by AFABulous at 11:58 AM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Hi. I'm experiencing the same thing right now.

Seconding the advice above to do cardio. When I have a bunch of nervous energy, going for a run is the best way to burn it off for me.

That, and this Indigo Girls lyric sometimes helps keep me grounded:

"You remember there's more than this, there always was and always is."

I take it to mean that however this big exciting thing ends up going, you were you before it, and you will still be you after it, and there is more in your life to appreciate than just this.
posted by mekily at 11:04 PM on October 4, 2016 [6 favorites]