Did I lose my chance to help?

October 3, 2016 3:01 AM

What can I do to help someone with past substance abuse issues that may be using again?

The people in my life have struggled with drugs in the past and I have lost a loved one recently because of it. So I might be over-sensitive to the situation at hand and thought I would AskMefi. My roommate is using kratom after going through whatever hellish nightmare rehab they did after using heroin last year. I've read up on kratom a bit and it doesn't sound like that's something to be using if you're trying to be clean and sober.


I wanted a roommate after deciding I needed to start saving money so I can move from this town, and my sister said her old high school friend was a really great friend to her and was there when she needed someone. I thought L was a decent person, down on their luck and just needed a place to crash. I went out of my way to help out and L's got a great job and I thought this would be cool and a lot of fun. It didn't help that I had a crush on L when we were in high school and I'm trying to not let my feelings get in the way of something that may be seriously going on.

I noticed my roommate L take a long time in the bathroom and would take a bag in with them sometimes. I thought they might have bathroom issues they were sensitive about, and although a little weird, didn't think anything of it. Until recently when I thought L might be using heroin again and freaked out after hearing exaggerated sniffling and the sound of foil crinkling outside the bathroom. I walked in and demanded they show me what was going on. I asked L if it was drugs and it was denied. After a weird confrontation I saw 50 or so little canisters of the stuff about 15 grams each that they were hiding. Which, if it wasn't a problem, why hide the stuff? Why take it with you everywhere you go? Why be so secretive about it if it's not a problem? I know they've picked up the stuff from a dealer at a gas station, clearly that's a red flag to me. Yet, L was forthcoming about the heroin abuse and mentioned being an alcoholic in the past. Also mentioned the reason for hiding the kratom was because a previous lover was stupid and judged L because of it.

L said they might quit one day but that it's a perfectly legal herbal/dietary supplement that they use with their own body and that it stops them from doing other stuff. L also said they think about the heroin in the back of their head and just push it away not trying to think about it, but then says wouldn't do it again because it's expensive and they don't have time to waste their day away like that.
I feel like L needs my help and doesn't want to ask. It's confusing because I told L in the beginning about the hurt my family has gone through because of drugs and I was told that they don't mess with that stuff. I feel pretty lied to and taken advantage of, but is kicking someone out the best thing I can do? I don't think I can stage an intervention. It seems like L has no one that gives a crap what happens to them and I think I'm starting to understand why. Family won't help as it seems they've had their own drug and alcohol issues.

Is suboxone a good idea? L texted it to an ex that kratom might be classified schedule something soon and that "h is laced with fentanyl" so they might need to get suboxone. Yes, I did snoop but I need to know what I'm dealing with here. I called an outpatient center, but should I make an appointment or is that out of line? I'm way out of my depth here and am struggling with what I should do, if anything. How dire is the situation? Is this like pot or a legal opioid? Did I lose my chance to help by barging in like that before and demanding answers? Thank you Mefi, throwaway email: [e-mail]

posted by Zeratul to Grab Bag (12 answers total)

I called an outpatient center, but should I make an appointment or is that out of line?

How would you feel about your roommates making medical appointments for you? Because they've decided it's their special project to save you, with their unique ability to care about your problems?
posted by thelonius at 3:22 AM on October 3, 2016 [14 favorites]

Echoing the above. Also, you snooped in their phone? Way, way out of line.
posted by teatime at 3:38 AM on October 3, 2016 [5 favorites]

You are really overstepping a lot of boundaries with this person. You snooped in their phone and called an outpatient center? That's not helping, that's weird, obsessive, and creepy.
posted by sarcasticah at 3:44 AM on October 3, 2016 [12 favorites]

-- why would you confront somebody over private goings-on that weren't affecting you? Do you get on roommates for watching too much porn or other perceived vices, too? This was none of your business and you should apologise for the 'weird confrontation'

-- why are you reading her texts? This person is not a minor and you are not their parent; you do not "need to know"

-- kratom is currently legal; this isn't like a situation where your roommate is putting you at risk by keeping crack in the apartment

-- if "h is laced with fentanyl," I don't understand what you think "h" has to do with kratom or why Suboxone would work...

-- "Did I lose my chance to help by barging in like that before and demanding answers?" You really can not help a person not ready to help themselves. But you have probably made clear you're a person who will judge and snoop and demand answers and so on and thus not be a go-to friend if L. decides she does want help

-- why on earth would you call an outpatient centre? That bit almost makes me think you're kind of thriving on the perceived drama of all this without pausing much to use your brain. Of course you don't make appointments for another adult without their permission.

-- "I feel like L needs my help and doesn't want to ask." It doesn't sound like that at all. It sounds more like you have problems with white-knighting fantasies

-- "It's confusing because I told L in the beginning about the hurt my family has gone through because of drugs and I was told that they don't mess with that stuff. I feel pretty lied to and taken advantage of, but is kicking someone out the best thing I can do?" If any substance use at all can be a dealbreaker for you, you need to make that a hard, clear line before you move in with somebody, not waffle over "Is this like pot or a legal opioid?" after the fact or try to run interventions and other amateur "help." (What would you consider to be a "legal opioid"...? Imodium?) Is it okay if somebody gets drunk on Fridays? Smokes a doobie on the porch once a month? Once a week? Once a day? It's not L's fault that you didn't set clear boundaries; it sounds like you knew she'd had a problem with harder drugs and were referring to those.

-- you need to figure out, clearly, what you can and cannot tolerate substance-use-wise in a roommate, and if this is too much for you, you should offer to bounce with plenty of time for L to find a new roommate (or let her out of whatever agreement you have early if she prefers that option). Apologise for snooping -- that was way beyond the pale -- and tell them you will not let your anxiety surrounding this get the better of you again, and mean that. If all it would take for you to reel in your crazy on this would be her being more discreet, ask, respectfully, if she can be more discreet

-- I do think you need to confess to how much snooping and nuttiness you've engaged in so L can make an informed choice over whether or not she feels safe living with you going forward from here. I don't think I would. Either way, it's not fair to her -- this is almost 'put a webcam over the toilet'-level creep stuff from a roommate.

-- quit using somebody else's life as your own personal soap opera, don't live vicariously through somebody else's drama, do not ever go through somebody's phone or other personal belongings again, do not try to make appointments for this person, do not feign understanding where you have none (you sound -- this is not a bad thing at all -- very drug-naive; keep this in mind going forward, that you don't actually know much about this stuff), and, seriously, do not try to play at white-knighting and deciding that you can and should help with something you have no experience about, do not understand, and have not been asked for help with

-- maybe the next step here is to call your sister and 'fess up about what you've been doing and ask her for help going forward? If I had you as a roommate I would be packing boxes yesterday, but if my friend-slash-your-sister was trying to explain "He's in a really weird place because of X's death, I've never seen him like this before, it's really terrible and I know that and I've explained that to him and he gets it now and feels terrible, etc" I might listen to what the sister had to say
posted by kmennie at 3:50 AM on October 3, 2016 [11 favorites]

I suggest asking your roommate to leave. You are clearly very uncomfortable with drug use, with good reason. You believe she may be using drugs, and her explanations do not put your mind at ease.

Based on her explanation, I'm wondering if she could be using a prescription for non-psychotropic THC. But it doesn't sound like she's comfortable telling you what she's using, so that possibility doesn't really seem like a path to resolution.
posted by bunderful at 4:48 AM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]

Why be so secretive about it if it's not a problem?

Because as we see from your question, the stigma for drug use is very high.

All my friends who have gotten *off* heroin in the past few years have done so by using kratom. Here's a testimony from one pal regarding the possible upcoming Schedule I classification:

"For the past three years, on and off again I'd been enslaved neurologically to heroin. Like so many others, detox, NA, therapy and court-ordered sobriety couldn’t emancipate me from this all-encompassing entanglement. Even as my skin began to peel and veins began to scar over, the ego that would pull a conscious mortal back from the edge was usurped by chemical dependence.

Six months ago, I took kratom to alleviate the pains of what was expected to be an overwhelming withdrawal from suboxone - the chemical prescribed to me at a for-profit clinic to commute me from the unbearable withdrawal of heroin. I generally describe the feeling of kratom as, 'a couple shots of espresso and half a vicodin.' With this natural herb, one less intoxicating than the drug to which I had succumb to, far less addictive and impossibly cheap, I built my life back up from the throes of addiction in a way I never could before.

Kratom saved my life. Now, a drug which has never caused a recorded death from overdose, which has given hope to so many lost to opiate addiction, will be barred from both human consumption and medical research. Kratom is already illegal in three states, but anti-kratom legislation has been defeated in four. A federal ban would eliminate the only effective means I’ve found of staying clean.

I could go back to that life, but I decide not to."

Have you considered that most well-funded addiction recovery models run COUNTER to what research tells us is effective, and that given a narrow set of mostly ineffective choices, kratom is highly preferable to a relapse?

What can I do to help someone with past substance abuse issues that may be using again?

There are plenty of reasons not to room with this person, but set aside your judgment, mark clear boundaries and Real Talk with them.
posted by fritillary at 5:01 AM on October 3, 2016 [11 favorites]

You can't stop someone who wants to get high from getting high even if you're their spouse or child or very best friend. This is not your business and you couldn't save her even if you wanted to and she really, really needed saving. You should stop all of your behavior related to her problems right now, and if you don't feel like you can do that, ask her to leave and find a new roommate.
posted by something something at 5:26 AM on October 3, 2016 [5 favorites]

You're not wrong for being concerned about secretive behavior from a known addict but doing things like calling an outpatient center is over the line. You can ask them if they want your help and you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you as a roommate (and it sounds like it may need to be).
posted by Candleman at 6:36 AM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]

Hey OP, thank you for wanting to help. I lost a dear roommate to substance abuse too and can understand where you're coming from. But I think she needs professional help as this problem is so medical, plus a normal and supportive home environment. I would try to be that positive and stable presence in her life.

I think this might be triggering for you however, and you might want to consider a different living arrangement.
posted by kinoeye at 7:57 AM on October 3, 2016 [5 favorites]

I would suggest you seek professional help for yourself. What I read suggested to me that you are a little strung out on addicts. I get wanting to fix someone you care about... but you kinda sound like you are losing your mind 0ver this other persons behavior choices. It is their right to use if they want too, whether they are addicts or not. It is your right to determine if you want to live with a using addict.

I don't what they are doing, whether they are using or not, or just self medicating in some other way but you clearly need help. A therapist the specializes in addiction (you) or alanon/ naranon if you need free help.
posted by cairnoflore at 9:10 AM on October 3, 2016

The people in my life have struggled with drugs in the past and I have lost a loved one recently because of it...It didn't help that I had a crush on L when we were in high school and I'm trying to not let my feelings get in the way of something that may be seriously going on.

You sound like a caring person who is going through a very hard time. If someone you love recently died due to drug addiction, then you may still be in a time of grieving and/or trauma reactions. In addition, it sounds like your feelings for L are complex and might be hard to handle even in the best of circumstances -- which these are not.

Just about everyone in this thread has (correctly) pointed out that your behavior towards L has been over the line and inappropriate. That is the truth. It's important that you stop this behavior now before it goes any farther. It's also important to see your behavior for what it is and practice self-compassion. It sounds like you're having trouble maintaining appropriate boundaries right now, and (as you correctly identify), your recent painful experiences are causing you to react intensely to L's situation. That's a strong indication that you need to reach out for help and support for yourself. Sometimes when we are grieving and hurt and traumatized, it's easier to focus on somebody else's problems than to take care of our own pain -- but doing so will not lead to good results for you or the other person. It's as though you can see L in the water and you're worried -- "What if L drowns? What if L can't swim? What if L gets hypothermia?" -- all the while ignoring the fact that you are in the water too. You can't rescue L if you yourself are drowning.

To directly answer your question, you did not lose your chance, because you never had a chance. L's problem (if it is a problem) is not yours to solve. The only person you can help in this situation is yourself -- and no one else can do it for you, just as no one else can do it for L.

So, here are my concrete suggestions.
1. Find yourself some support and prioritize dealing with your own feelings. You might try a therapist or look for an Al-Anon meeting (not Narc-Anon, that's something totally different and probably not useful to you). If you have friends or family you can reach out to to talk about your own feelings, do that too. If those suggestions feel too overwhelming, then you can try a solo activity like journaling, meditation (for instance, these guided self-compassion meditations) or reading books that help.
2. If you are unable to stay out of L's personal life, then L is probably not the right roommate for you right now. It is perfectly fine to ask them to leave and find a different roommate. There's actually no need to get into a deep conversation with L about it -- just ask them to leave in whatever way your lease allows. If you don't have a written lease with them, then give them at least 30 days notice. If it's easier for you to do this via email than in person, that's fine. Keep it simple -- "Hi L, Unfortunately, our rooming arrangement is not working out for me. I'm terminating your lease as of [date]; best of luck in finding a new place." If your sister can help you with this, reach out to her too.

Good luck to you.
posted by ourobouros at 9:13 AM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]

It didn't help that I had a crush on L when we were in high school and I'm trying to not let my feelings get in the way of something that may be seriously going on.

This seems a huge factor in your overstepping. Even if you WERE their romantic partner you would be overstepping. Should you really live with someone for whom you feel this intensely?
posted by kapers at 10:15 AM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]