How do I stop being harassed by phone by a male acquaintance?
October 3, 2016 12:50 AM Subscribe
Someone with whom I have only a passing acquaintance is harassing me by phone (many more details inside). What is the best way to proceed with de-escalating this situation now? What should I have done differently in this situation? How in the future can I avoid getting in a similar situation?
I, a young woman on the East Coast, am in the process of finding a house to buy. Some of my financing will come from my mother, who is more experienced in the matter; we have therefore been going through the process of looking at houses together. There is a particular area of my city that I am especially interested in buying in. About 4-6 weeks ago, my mother and I were looking at an abandoned house on that block, speculating about the possibility of buying it. A man approached us from across the street, saying it looked like we were interested in buying a house, and that he was selling his house on this block, and asked would we like to see it. He gave me the number of bedrooms and a target price he was hoping for, he said that he didn't want realtors involved because he didn't want to pay the commission, so he would prefer to sell it privately. He said that he had just returned from a trip and it wasn't tidy, so we couldn't see it immediately, but that we could correspond by phone to set up a time. We exchanged contact info.
He called a number of times, and we finally were able to touch base. Because I don't live in the city, I didn't want to make a special trip just to see his house: I wanted to tack it onto the end of one of the house-hunting outings I was already undertaking with my realtor every couple of weeks. I told him the day of the next one and the time I would be finished and free to come by his house. He said he didn't think that worked for him and suggested I rearrange my schedule that day or that maybe he could rearrange, but I suggested that we simply reschedule the viewing for the following trip after that. I needed to get off of the phone because I had another engagement, so the way we left it was that we would speak again on the phone to finalize something.
I should note that I was getting a definite aggressive and pushy vibe from at this point. For one, I had to get off of the phone to do something and I kept telling him that, and he kept ignoring that and barreling onwards with the conversation. More generally, from the beginning of when we met him, I also got an unpleasant feeling that he wanted to call all the shots, wanted me to rearrange things for him, he wanted to decide everything. It's difficult to describe, and it's not coming across well when I explain here, but I just had a weird feeling about him - I don't want to describe it as a sixth sense or anything, because I don't believe in that sort of thing, but somehow I just felt a bit afraid of him and unsafe around him. I have never really felt this around anybody before (and I have a lot of male friends).
Anyway, the upshot of all of this is that I never called him back or answered his calls after this point. Part of it was the creepy aggressive pushy vibe I was getting from him, which made me not want to have further interactions with him. Relatedly, part of it was because my mom was away and I didn't think it would be wise to go be in his house alone without her or a realtor, so I thought I'd wait until she got back. I also was beginning to think maybe I wanted a realtor involved in my house purchase, to represent my interests, and he had made clear he didn't want a realtor involved in his house sale (the seller pays both realtors). Part of it was because I was sick for a week, either allergies or a bad cold, and I was having trouble breathing let alone talking. And part of it was because, after having more experience seeing houses and their pricing in that area, I was less interested in his house - it was very overpriced for the number of bedrooms. Ordinarily I would have told him that and that I was no longer interested in the house, and given him feedback about why, but I had this feeling that he might be angry and unhinged and I was reluctant to have that encounter with him on the phone so I thought that fading out would be best, which is what I did: he called a few times over the next week to reschedule meeting up, and I just didn't pick up.
In the past week (maybe 2 weeks after all of this), I have gotten a number of angry calls from him to my family's phone, cursing me off and ranting about me not following through. He left a message with one of the calls, cursing me off. My dad answered one of the calls early this morning and the guy cursed and raged on the phone. My dad hung up and the guy called back again repeatedly (my dad ignored the rest of the calls). They're all from "private caller" (previously when he called, his name showed up in the caller ID).
I'm not sure what to do now. I've never been in a situation similar to this before. I'm assuming we should just ignore all the calls. Will he stop eventually? I understand it's frustrating for him to have me not buy his house and also for me to flake out with contact, but that's surely how house-selling goes and I don't really think I had a strong obligation in this case. This is someone I literally met once over a month ago for maybe 5 minutes. What will encourage him to stop? Is there a chance of this escalating? My dad is afraid that now that this guy has our phone number, he will look up our address and show up at our house. I'm also kind of scared to move to the new neighborhood because I'd hate for him to know that I lived by him and for him to stop by unannounced or something. I almost thought about calling the police if he keeps calling, as it's pretty scary. How can I de-escalate this? How can I avoid getting into a similar situation in the future? Should I have called him and told him honestly rather than doing the slow fade? Would that have made him less angry? Help?
I, a young woman on the East Coast, am in the process of finding a house to buy. Some of my financing will come from my mother, who is more experienced in the matter; we have therefore been going through the process of looking at houses together. There is a particular area of my city that I am especially interested in buying in. About 4-6 weeks ago, my mother and I were looking at an abandoned house on that block, speculating about the possibility of buying it. A man approached us from across the street, saying it looked like we were interested in buying a house, and that he was selling his house on this block, and asked would we like to see it. He gave me the number of bedrooms and a target price he was hoping for, he said that he didn't want realtors involved because he didn't want to pay the commission, so he would prefer to sell it privately. He said that he had just returned from a trip and it wasn't tidy, so we couldn't see it immediately, but that we could correspond by phone to set up a time. We exchanged contact info.
He called a number of times, and we finally were able to touch base. Because I don't live in the city, I didn't want to make a special trip just to see his house: I wanted to tack it onto the end of one of the house-hunting outings I was already undertaking with my realtor every couple of weeks. I told him the day of the next one and the time I would be finished and free to come by his house. He said he didn't think that worked for him and suggested I rearrange my schedule that day or that maybe he could rearrange, but I suggested that we simply reschedule the viewing for the following trip after that. I needed to get off of the phone because I had another engagement, so the way we left it was that we would speak again on the phone to finalize something.
I should note that I was getting a definite aggressive and pushy vibe from at this point. For one, I had to get off of the phone to do something and I kept telling him that, and he kept ignoring that and barreling onwards with the conversation. More generally, from the beginning of when we met him, I also got an unpleasant feeling that he wanted to call all the shots, wanted me to rearrange things for him, he wanted to decide everything. It's difficult to describe, and it's not coming across well when I explain here, but I just had a weird feeling about him - I don't want to describe it as a sixth sense or anything, because I don't believe in that sort of thing, but somehow I just felt a bit afraid of him and unsafe around him. I have never really felt this around anybody before (and I have a lot of male friends).
Anyway, the upshot of all of this is that I never called him back or answered his calls after this point. Part of it was the creepy aggressive pushy vibe I was getting from him, which made me not want to have further interactions with him. Relatedly, part of it was because my mom was away and I didn't think it would be wise to go be in his house alone without her or a realtor, so I thought I'd wait until she got back. I also was beginning to think maybe I wanted a realtor involved in my house purchase, to represent my interests, and he had made clear he didn't want a realtor involved in his house sale (the seller pays both realtors). Part of it was because I was sick for a week, either allergies or a bad cold, and I was having trouble breathing let alone talking. And part of it was because, after having more experience seeing houses and their pricing in that area, I was less interested in his house - it was very overpriced for the number of bedrooms. Ordinarily I would have told him that and that I was no longer interested in the house, and given him feedback about why, but I had this feeling that he might be angry and unhinged and I was reluctant to have that encounter with him on the phone so I thought that fading out would be best, which is what I did: he called a few times over the next week to reschedule meeting up, and I just didn't pick up.
In the past week (maybe 2 weeks after all of this), I have gotten a number of angry calls from him to my family's phone, cursing me off and ranting about me not following through. He left a message with one of the calls, cursing me off. My dad answered one of the calls early this morning and the guy cursed and raged on the phone. My dad hung up and the guy called back again repeatedly (my dad ignored the rest of the calls). They're all from "private caller" (previously when he called, his name showed up in the caller ID).
I'm not sure what to do now. I've never been in a situation similar to this before. I'm assuming we should just ignore all the calls. Will he stop eventually? I understand it's frustrating for him to have me not buy his house and also for me to flake out with contact, but that's surely how house-selling goes and I don't really think I had a strong obligation in this case. This is someone I literally met once over a month ago for maybe 5 minutes. What will encourage him to stop? Is there a chance of this escalating? My dad is afraid that now that this guy has our phone number, he will look up our address and show up at our house. I'm also kind of scared to move to the new neighborhood because I'd hate for him to know that I lived by him and for him to stop by unannounced or something. I almost thought about calling the police if he keeps calling, as it's pretty scary. How can I de-escalate this? How can I avoid getting into a similar situation in the future? Should I have called him and told him honestly rather than doing the slow fade? Would that have made him less angry? Help?
You definitely didn't do anything wrong- assholes gonna asshole.
The beginning of your story could just have easily turned out to be a great seller and a lucky sale- but your instincts were obviously spot-on right about this guy, he's awful, and thank goodness you didn't go meet him alone. Good on ya for catching that vibe and trusting it.
If you have already exchanged emails you could send one message saying "Please do not contact me again" (and pretty much not another word beyond that as it just gives him fodder to argue with).
I agree that you should report him to the police. Jot down a timeline of what happened. If he calls again, avoid answering if you can, record the messages or calls, and just keep them in case he escalates further. Maybe stay out of his neighbourhood unless it's daytime and you're accompanied.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:07 AM on October 3, 2016 [9 favorites]
The beginning of your story could just have easily turned out to be a great seller and a lucky sale- but your instincts were obviously spot-on right about this guy, he's awful, and thank goodness you didn't go meet him alone. Good on ya for catching that vibe and trusting it.
If you have already exchanged emails you could send one message saying "Please do not contact me again" (and pretty much not another word beyond that as it just gives him fodder to argue with).
I agree that you should report him to the police. Jot down a timeline of what happened. If he calls again, avoid answering if you can, record the messages or calls, and just keep them in case he escalates further. Maybe stay out of his neighbourhood unless it's daytime and you're accompanied.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:07 AM on October 3, 2016 [9 favorites]
Good for you! You trusted your feelings & they kept you out of trouble. Every reader of “The Gift of Fear” will be suitably proud of you. A rational person would not respond in this way to a house buyer fading out on them; clearly this person is not rational.
I think the only thing you can do at this point is simply not respond at all. Start keeping a log of calls & if you feel unsafe then call the police and talk to them.
posted by pharm at 1:25 AM on October 3, 2016 [20 favorites]
I think the only thing you can do at this point is simply not respond at all. Start keeping a log of calls & if you feel unsafe then call the police and talk to them.
posted by pharm at 1:25 AM on October 3, 2016 [20 favorites]
Follow your gut, stay the hell away from him. I had pretty much this exact same reaction to a guy offering this place for rent. he has such a bad vibe, i pulled my ex aside and told him not to leave me alone with this guy for any reason aand long long story short that same ol dude winds up in prison a few years later for rape and god knows what.
If he doesnt leave you alone get the cops involved. You dont need this kind of thing in your life, youre totally allowed to back out, especially after seeing his true colors.
posted by speakeasy at 2:09 AM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
If he doesnt leave you alone get the cops involved. You dont need this kind of thing in your life, youre totally allowed to back out, especially after seeing his true colors.
posted by speakeasy at 2:09 AM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
At this point, you've described his behavior as highly unpredictable. Any normal person would have stopped contacting you once you stopped communication. Therefore I don't think there is a good way to guess how he will act in the future.
Report this to the police as an item of concern for your safety. Ignore him. Recognize that mentally ill people live in all neighborhoods (mostly) equally, and although you happened to run into him here, you could have run into a similar situation in another location. Trust your gut, lock your doors, and move on.
posted by samthemander at 2:17 AM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Report this to the police as an item of concern for your safety. Ignore him. Recognize that mentally ill people live in all neighborhoods (mostly) equally, and although you happened to run into him here, you could have run into a similar situation in another location. Trust your gut, lock your doors, and move on.
posted by samthemander at 2:17 AM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
You should be able to block even private numbers through your phones software. Just block and ignore and he'll give up at some point. If you're worried about him talk to the cops.
posted by faustian slip at 2:19 AM on October 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by faustian slip at 2:19 AM on October 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
Not your fault, you did nothing wrong, follow your gut. So sorry this bullshit is happening to you.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 2:46 AM on October 3, 2016
posted by Joseph Gurl at 2:46 AM on October 3, 2016
Yeah, assholes gonna asshole but frustrated asshole gonna asshole more. (What a weird sentence.)
He has no idea why you stopped contacting him and even though you are within your rights to simply not talk with him anymore, this is not helping you if he is still calling you. I would have your realtor call him saying anonymous Has been otherwise busy and is now looking at houses with "x characteristics" (where x does not include his house), "thank you and please do not contact us anymore..."
posted by CrazyLemonade at 3:59 AM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
He has no idea why you stopped contacting him and even though you are within your rights to simply not talk with him anymore, this is not helping you if he is still calling you. I would have your realtor call him saying anonymous Has been otherwise busy and is now looking at houses with "x characteristics" (where x does not include his house), "thank you and please do not contact us anymore..."
posted by CrazyLemonade at 3:59 AM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
Seconding the above remarks that you did nothing wrong—as mentioned above, this could have resulted in a real "find". And I agree that you should file a report with the police. Good luck with this. It would be a shame if this jackass puts you off a neighborhood that you like.
Also, a comment about a minor point, i.e., "maybe I wanted a realtor involved in my house purchase, to represent my interests": "your" realtor, like every seller's realtor, is depending upon the sale of the property for their income. It follows that he/she is likely to put closing the deal ahead of whether or not this particular purchase is in what you consider your best interest. In real estate transactions, depend on your lawyer to protect your interests. Word of advice learned from hard experience: do not blindly accept the lawyer recommended by your realtor. (Caveat: all of real estate buying/selling has been in IL. I don't know if this applies to laws in all states.)
posted by she's not there at 4:30 AM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also, a comment about a minor point, i.e., "maybe I wanted a realtor involved in my house purchase, to represent my interests": "your" realtor, like every seller's realtor, is depending upon the sale of the property for their income. It follows that he/she is likely to put closing the deal ahead of whether or not this particular purchase is in what you consider your best interest. In real estate transactions, depend on your lawyer to protect your interests. Word of advice learned from hard experience: do not blindly accept the lawyer recommended by your realtor. (Caveat: all of real estate buying/selling has been in IL. I don't know if this applies to laws in all states.)
posted by she's not there at 4:30 AM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Your empathy is a wonderful thing that I hope you keep always, but I suppose there is nothing about his behavior that arises from his frustration regarding the sale or your lack of contact at this point (which is entirely justified). People who escalate conflicts in this manner will take any excuse because they revel in it, and the more people understand that with this sort it's more about bullying than it is about the matter in question, more about exploiting civilized tendencies towards kindness and the impulse to avoid conflict in order to exercise rage, the better off we will all be.
In your place, the only thing I would do in the future is gravitate towards not giving out my number to a stranger in such situations. You can say "I will get in touch with you", and if someone insists, just say you have a rule against it. Where an exchange of numbers is not involved, you can always say "I am not interested" and decline to elaborate beyond that if you pick up bad vibes. "I'm just not interested." The thing to remember with bullies of this sort is that there is no reasoning with them: they are more interested in pushing people around than their ostensible motive, so literally anything else you say merely invites more argument.
Great advice in the comments above, up to this point. Block anonymous numbers, get the police involved if he calls again. There's no reason to speak with him anymore: no sane person expects to give a tour after such behavior. Don't make the mistake of thinking that any explanation is going to satisfy him. He's looking for a fight and that's all.
posted by millions at 7:19 AM on October 3, 2016 [10 favorites]
In your place, the only thing I would do in the future is gravitate towards not giving out my number to a stranger in such situations. You can say "I will get in touch with you", and if someone insists, just say you have a rule against it. Where an exchange of numbers is not involved, you can always say "I am not interested" and decline to elaborate beyond that if you pick up bad vibes. "I'm just not interested." The thing to remember with bullies of this sort is that there is no reasoning with them: they are more interested in pushing people around than their ostensible motive, so literally anything else you say merely invites more argument.
Great advice in the comments above, up to this point. Block anonymous numbers, get the police involved if he calls again. There's no reason to speak with him anymore: no sane person expects to give a tour after such behavior. Don't make the mistake of thinking that any explanation is going to satisfy him. He's looking for a fight and that's all.
posted by millions at 7:19 AM on October 3, 2016 [10 favorites]
Are you kidding me? You did absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, you did everything right! There is clearly something wrong with this guy and your gut instincts (you don't have to believe in a "sixth sense") saved you from possibly having this escalate further. When someone makes you that uncomfortable, listen to your instincts! Always. There's a book called The Gift Of Fear that's often recommended on AskMeFi for good reason; it's an excellent reference on how and why we should listen to our gut instincts, or "sixth sense", or whatever one chooses to call the surge of feelings that occur when we sense we are in danger. That's your survival instinct kicking in; it's there to protect you. Don't second guess yourself when you have these feelings, just do what you have to do to get out of the situation and you can analyze everything later.
To answer your question, no, this is NOT how house-selling goes. A total stranger approached you while you were out looking at houses. You're under no obligation to keep dealing with him just because you expressed interest and exchanged phone numbers. If you chose to not call him back for whatever reason, a normal person would take that as a sign that you're no longer interested and move on. The fact that he cursed and raged at your dad and continued to leave cursing, abusive messages for you clearly demonstrates that there's something wrong with this man. You have zero obligation to engage with him in any manner from now on. However, to put your mind at ease and make sure he doesn't harass you further, here are some steps you could take:
1. Notify the phone company that you (and your parents) are being harassed. I'm assuming that your folks have a landline because you said that you're afraid that he could get their address by looking them up in the phone book. You can then ask the phone company to put a "tap" on your line; this way they can monitor and note who is calling you and when. You yourself also need to write down every time he calls you, no matter if the message is abusive or not; just note the day and time on your logs. After three times, call the phone company back with this information. They, in turn, will notify the police, who will then tell him to never contact you again. Sometimes the phone company will ask you to file a police report before they can begin tapping your phone. This is just so they have a case number when dealing with the police department. It's really easy to do; some police departments even let you do this online.
2. Consider telling the phone company that you do NOT want your (or your parents) name, number, and address published in the phone book. Having your information in the book is just a convenient vector for scummy people like this man and telemarketers to harass you. Sometimes you have to pay a fee to have your info removed -- ridiculous I know, but there it is. The last time I had a landline many years ago, the fee was a buck or two on my monthly bill and was itemized as "your number not published" or something like that.
3. Only give out your real number to trusted friends and family. Use a service like google voice or one of these others that allows you to have a secondary number that you give out to everyone else. I use and am very happy with Ooma Premier. I haven't received a telemarketing call in years. Years! And it's easy to block anyone who turns into an abusive jerk like this guy by tweaking your settings online.
4. Have your real estate agent call this man and tell him in no uncertain terms that you no longer want to hear from him. S/he's your agent and that's part of the job. They deal with the unpleasant sellers so you don't have to.
5. Pat yourself on the back. You did great! (And buy The Gift of Fear.)
If you do end up buying a house in this neighborhood, this man probably will never find out. You know where he lives; just avoid his street and enjoy your new home. If by some unlucky chance you run into him at the local grocery store or something, he probably won't even remember you, but if he does, tell him to leave you alone and walk away. Make a scene if you have to and file a restraining order against him if he persists. It is highly unlikely that things will come to this, so try not to worry. Good luck in your house-hunting.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 7:28 AM on October 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
To answer your question, no, this is NOT how house-selling goes. A total stranger approached you while you were out looking at houses. You're under no obligation to keep dealing with him just because you expressed interest and exchanged phone numbers. If you chose to not call him back for whatever reason, a normal person would take that as a sign that you're no longer interested and move on. The fact that he cursed and raged at your dad and continued to leave cursing, abusive messages for you clearly demonstrates that there's something wrong with this man. You have zero obligation to engage with him in any manner from now on. However, to put your mind at ease and make sure he doesn't harass you further, here are some steps you could take:
1. Notify the phone company that you (and your parents) are being harassed. I'm assuming that your folks have a landline because you said that you're afraid that he could get their address by looking them up in the phone book. You can then ask the phone company to put a "tap" on your line; this way they can monitor and note who is calling you and when. You yourself also need to write down every time he calls you, no matter if the message is abusive or not; just note the day and time on your logs. After three times, call the phone company back with this information. They, in turn, will notify the police, who will then tell him to never contact you again. Sometimes the phone company will ask you to file a police report before they can begin tapping your phone. This is just so they have a case number when dealing with the police department. It's really easy to do; some police departments even let you do this online.
2. Consider telling the phone company that you do NOT want your (or your parents) name, number, and address published in the phone book. Having your information in the book is just a convenient vector for scummy people like this man and telemarketers to harass you. Sometimes you have to pay a fee to have your info removed -- ridiculous I know, but there it is. The last time I had a landline many years ago, the fee was a buck or two on my monthly bill and was itemized as "your number not published" or something like that.
3. Only give out your real number to trusted friends and family. Use a service like google voice or one of these others that allows you to have a secondary number that you give out to everyone else. I use and am very happy with Ooma Premier. I haven't received a telemarketing call in years. Years! And it's easy to block anyone who turns into an abusive jerk like this guy by tweaking your settings online.
4. Have your real estate agent call this man and tell him in no uncertain terms that you no longer want to hear from him. S/he's your agent and that's part of the job. They deal with the unpleasant sellers so you don't have to.
5. Pat yourself on the back. You did great! (And buy The Gift of Fear.)
If you do end up buying a house in this neighborhood, this man probably will never find out. You know where he lives; just avoid his street and enjoy your new home. If by some unlucky chance you run into him at the local grocery store or something, he probably won't even remember you, but if he does, tell him to leave you alone and walk away. Make a scene if you have to and file a restraining order against him if he persists. It is highly unlikely that things will come to this, so try not to worry. Good luck in your house-hunting.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 7:28 AM on October 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
You did nothing wrong but in future be more careful with your phone number. I no longer give it to anyone that I could legitimately deal with through email. They ask for it and I just say "email's much better for me."
Agree the best thing would be for your realtor to call him and tell him you're looking for something else now. This guy is obviously unhinged and I don't know that his reaction would have been any different if you'd sent him a message saying "thanks but no thanks, I won't be buying your place" but in general I do prefer to conclude transactions rather than let them hang open ended.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:30 AM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Agree the best thing would be for your realtor to call him and tell him you're looking for something else now. This guy is obviously unhinged and I don't know that his reaction would have been any different if you'd sent him a message saying "thanks but no thanks, I won't be buying your place" but in general I do prefer to conclude transactions rather than let them hang open ended.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:30 AM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think the only thing you could have done to possibly prevent this would be to have contacted Mr. Nutty after his first message and say how sorry you are but things have changed and you're going to be moving to Someplace Else on the other side of the state for Reasons. I'd have said how disappointed I was and how much I liked his house and oh gosh I really missed a nice one and if I know anyone looking in that area I will tell them about your wonderful house. Assholes like that eat up praise even fake praise at least that's been my experience. It's way too late now as he's escalated to insanity so I'd contact the police to make some offical report in case anything else happens then I'd block his number and cross my fingers to never ever see him again. Sorry this is happening to you it must be pretty scary
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 7:35 AM on October 3, 2016
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 7:35 AM on October 3, 2016
Would that have made him less angry?
Don't think like that! You are not dealing with a nice normal person like you are and like most folks thankfully are. Think about it: you can't set off a nice normal person into a cursing rage just because you don't want to buy their house which you never said you were going to do in the first place. And you can't appease a creepy ragey person by doing any specific thing.
I too want to applaud your instincts here. It's not a "sixth sense," it's not supernatural-- you took note of some real red flags, boundary violations, and the ways he wasn't adhering to social norms and were accordingly creeped out and you correctly extrapolated that if he was willing to violate these boundaries and norms then he would likely violate more in the future. I mean, if you were selling your house, would you laser-focus on a stranger? Insist they do things your way? Call their family? Swear and rage? No. Not normal behavior.
You didn't do anything wrong. (And even if you HAD flaked on a sale you committed to or something really crappy, the proper response is to pursue it through legal channels, not by personal harassment.) It's clear why this guy didn't want a third-party professional involved, and it's not just because he wanted to save some money.
You and everyone in your family should ignore him because any further contact will prolong this conflict he has with you in his mind. If he does happen to catch anyone, a simple "do not contact me/us again" and hang up. He may escalate for a time but if he's getting no bites he'll eventually cut bait. Stay strong.
Take basic precautions-- lock doors, be aware of surroundings, don't take unknown calls, don't answer the door if you're not expecting anyone, be a little hard to find on social media, make sure trusted friends and family know where you are.
DEFINITELY read Gift of Fear. It will not make you more fearful, it will make you feel proud and safe that you honored what you were feeling and will give you tips on how to (not) deal with him.
posted by kapers at 8:06 AM on October 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
Don't think like that! You are not dealing with a nice normal person like you are and like most folks thankfully are. Think about it: you can't set off a nice normal person into a cursing rage just because you don't want to buy their house which you never said you were going to do in the first place. And you can't appease a creepy ragey person by doing any specific thing.
I too want to applaud your instincts here. It's not a "sixth sense," it's not supernatural-- you took note of some real red flags, boundary violations, and the ways he wasn't adhering to social norms and were accordingly creeped out and you correctly extrapolated that if he was willing to violate these boundaries and norms then he would likely violate more in the future. I mean, if you were selling your house, would you laser-focus on a stranger? Insist they do things your way? Call their family? Swear and rage? No. Not normal behavior.
You didn't do anything wrong. (And even if you HAD flaked on a sale you committed to or something really crappy, the proper response is to pursue it through legal channels, not by personal harassment.) It's clear why this guy didn't want a third-party professional involved, and it's not just because he wanted to save some money.
You and everyone in your family should ignore him because any further contact will prolong this conflict he has with you in his mind. If he does happen to catch anyone, a simple "do not contact me/us again" and hang up. He may escalate for a time but if he's getting no bites he'll eventually cut bait. Stay strong.
Take basic precautions-- lock doors, be aware of surroundings, don't take unknown calls, don't answer the door if you're not expecting anyone, be a little hard to find on social media, make sure trusted friends and family know where you are.
DEFINITELY read Gift of Fear. It will not make you more fearful, it will make you feel proud and safe that you honored what you were feeling and will give you tips on how to (not) deal with him.
posted by kapers at 8:06 AM on October 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
Why are you taking responsibility for his inappropriate anger and behaviors? He is choosing to act like a psycho. That's not your fault. This is classic victim blaming. You have no control, NONE whatsoever, over his choices. It's frustrating and scary, but it's the truth.
Honestly, had you viewed the house and not liked it nor wanted to buy it, he probably would have acted in the same manner.
Stop blaming yourself.
Start blocking his number(s) and contacting the police.
And congrats on the gut feeling. Kudos! :)
posted by Neekee at 9:03 AM on October 3, 2016
Honestly, had you viewed the house and not liked it nor wanted to buy it, he probably would have acted in the same manner.
Stop blaming yourself.
Start blocking his number(s) and contacting the police.
And congrats on the gut feeling. Kudos! :)
posted by Neekee at 9:03 AM on October 3, 2016
Do not enter the home of a random person who approached you on the street. His behavior comes across as potentially criminal or scammy, and honestly, my first thought was "he lied about his home being messy so she would have to come back without her mom, whereupon he would attack her. The house isn't for sale; that's why there's no realtor. This was an opportunistic set-up to lure a woman into his home."
Maybe I'm paranoid, but when dealing with strangers, it's better safe than sorry every time.
posted by delight at 9:22 AM on October 3, 2016 [26 favorites]
Maybe I'm paranoid, but when dealing with strangers, it's better safe than sorry every time.
posted by delight at 9:22 AM on October 3, 2016 [26 favorites]
Great point, delight.
He just happened to see you look at an abandoned house and was desperate to sell you his, but wouldn't even show you the exterior that day because it wasn't tidy? It's fishy and I'm glad your feelings kicked in and you didn't set a time to see it.
You owe him nothing and I doubt his story is totally true. But even if this guy is legit, he should not be engaged with because he's revealed himself a creep.
posted by kapers at 10:21 AM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
He just happened to see you look at an abandoned house and was desperate to sell you his, but wouldn't even show you the exterior that day because it wasn't tidy? It's fishy and I'm glad your feelings kicked in and you didn't set a time to see it.
You owe him nothing and I doubt his story is totally true. But even if this guy is legit, he should not be engaged with because he's revealed himself a creep.
posted by kapers at 10:21 AM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Honestly, my first thought was "he lied about his home being messy because there were possibly witnesses, or people who knew where you and your mom were then, and he needed more time to plan," 'cause I'm paranoid, too. Also he "approached you from across the street... he was selling his house on this block" -- did you even see him exit a house? Was there a 'for sale by owner' sign? A public listing anywhere, on any trulia or zillow-type compiling website?
His "no realtors" thing is also a red flag. Have your realtor call and express your disinterest. Since he didn't want to get involved with realtors, he should now have equal disinterest in wanting to do business with you. If he contacts you again, get the police involved.
(Side note -- if you're a young woman making a first home purchase, maybe an abandoned house is also a flag for the neighborhood?)
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:21 AM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
His "no realtors" thing is also a red flag. Have your realtor call and express your disinterest. Since he didn't want to get involved with realtors, he should now have equal disinterest in wanting to do business with you. If he contacts you again, get the police involved.
(Side note -- if you're a young woman making a first home purchase, maybe an abandoned house is also a flag for the neighborhood?)
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:21 AM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
So as not to abuse the edit window -- if you need to go to the police, do not describe this man as an acquaintance. Make the report in person, and bring your parents (as your mom was with you that day, and your dad fielded the phone call this morning) with you if you can.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:27 AM on October 3, 2016
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:27 AM on October 3, 2016
Yeah, I don't know why you're calling him an acquaintance - he's a total stranger: " This is someone I literally met once over a month ago for maybe 5 minutes."
posted by heyjude at 1:25 PM on October 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by heyjude at 1:25 PM on October 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
I agree with everyone above about reading the Gift of Fear. It's a great investment in your future safety.
posted by delight at 2:21 PM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by delight at 2:21 PM on October 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
You didn't do anything wrong.
You didn't "make" him angry. He sounds like a nut.
Stay as far away from him as possible. Worse case scenario, you can always change your number. Also, yes, I agree, I would document this with the police.
Congratulations on listening to your instincts and staying away from a very scary person!
posted by dancing_angel at 4:14 PM on October 3, 2016
You didn't "make" him angry. He sounds like a nut.
Stay as far away from him as possible. Worse case scenario, you can always change your number. Also, yes, I agree, I would document this with the police.
Congratulations on listening to your instincts and staying away from a very scary person!
posted by dancing_angel at 4:14 PM on October 3, 2016
With apologies to actual nuts (i.e. pecans, hazelnuts, et al) or the actually mentally ill out there. To put it more precisely, he sounds like an overreactive and potentially dangerous person whom you should avoid at all costs.
posted by dancing_angel at 4:15 PM on October 3, 2016
posted by dancing_angel at 4:15 PM on October 3, 2016
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I would call the police and make a report, honestly. It's already gone too far.
posted by frumiousb at 12:54 AM on October 3, 2016 [42 favorites]