How can I make sure to get a good assessment of a situation?
October 1, 2016 9:31 AM Subscribe
I'll be going to Japan for three weeks soon and need to use that time to figure out if I want to live there again after past traumatic (and good!) experiences. Obviously, vacation is very different from daily life. How do I make sure I can make an informed decision?
I need to make sure that the joy over seeing my fiancé again, meeting with friends who obviously make time for people only visiting more than for someone always there, and just generally not being at work (work sucks hard right now) will not overshadow any concerns I might - or might not! - have over living in Japan again.
I'm talking about this with my therapist as well, but I was hoping anyone here may have some ideas for me.
I'll be in Japan for three weeks, spend the weekends (some of them long weekends) with my fiancé either at his parents' house or on little trips, and the weeks staying with his sister and her roommate and with a friend and her husband. (I'm splitting myself up because staying with one person/family is a bit much for three weeks, and my future in-laws don't have the space for me now that my fiancé lives with them again. (I stayed with them for two weeks when I went to Japan alone last year.) They'll let me stay one weekend, the other two we'll be gone.
Next year, I want to marry my fiancé and go back to the grad school I had to leave in 2013 to finish my degree. I mostly feel good about that plan, but I'm worried that I'm just riding on the reunion and engagement high. (I just got my ring last week.) My best friend goes to the same school for her PhD in a different subject, so we made plans to meet at least once a week on campus to study together, but I don't want to completely rely on that in case something comes up for her. Obviously, my then-husband would be there every day, although he works relatively long hours (sometimes he's not home until 10 pm.) I am much more okay with being alone now (I live alone right now) and generally much happier and healthier, but still slightly anxious about the whole endeavour. Obviously, I'd meet new people at school as well, though I'm not counting on any close friendships, although I'd be open to any. (They didn't happen the last time even though I was well-liked, and this time I'd be older than a lot of my classmates. A few of my previous classmates I was friendly with went on to PhDs in the programme, so I might see them on campus.) I am much better at setting boundaries and managing my emotions and needs.
So, I'm obviously overjoyed seeing my fiancé again after almost four months of separation. I'll also see friends again I haven't seen since last year or longer. I'll obviously have a much more active social life, but also much more free time, than I'd have if I normally lived in Japan. I am planning on spending most days when everyone is at work looking around Tokyo, maybe signing up for a workshop or two and visiting real estate agents to have a look at apartments in our price class to see how realistic our expectations are. Those activities are obviously very different from what my daily life would be in grad school.
My question is: What can I do to really assess whether I'd be happy going back to school next year?
Right now, I am planning to go to campus to see how I feel, talk to my professor and administration, and meet my friend who still goes there. Obviously, if I have a panic attack stepping on campus or seeing my old apartment building, the whole thing is off. (Or is it?) But what if I feel good about it? Or mixed because I tend to second-guess decisions all the time even if I end up being very happy with what I chose?
I need to make sure that the joy over seeing my fiancé again, meeting with friends who obviously make time for people only visiting more than for someone always there, and just generally not being at work (work sucks hard right now) will not overshadow any concerns I might - or might not! - have over living in Japan again.
I'm talking about this with my therapist as well, but I was hoping anyone here may have some ideas for me.
I'll be in Japan for three weeks, spend the weekends (some of them long weekends) with my fiancé either at his parents' house or on little trips, and the weeks staying with his sister and her roommate and with a friend and her husband. (I'm splitting myself up because staying with one person/family is a bit much for three weeks, and my future in-laws don't have the space for me now that my fiancé lives with them again. (I stayed with them for two weeks when I went to Japan alone last year.) They'll let me stay one weekend, the other two we'll be gone.
Next year, I want to marry my fiancé and go back to the grad school I had to leave in 2013 to finish my degree. I mostly feel good about that plan, but I'm worried that I'm just riding on the reunion and engagement high. (I just got my ring last week.) My best friend goes to the same school for her PhD in a different subject, so we made plans to meet at least once a week on campus to study together, but I don't want to completely rely on that in case something comes up for her. Obviously, my then-husband would be there every day, although he works relatively long hours (sometimes he's not home until 10 pm.) I am much more okay with being alone now (I live alone right now) and generally much happier and healthier, but still slightly anxious about the whole endeavour. Obviously, I'd meet new people at school as well, though I'm not counting on any close friendships, although I'd be open to any. (They didn't happen the last time even though I was well-liked, and this time I'd be older than a lot of my classmates. A few of my previous classmates I was friendly with went on to PhDs in the programme, so I might see them on campus.) I am much better at setting boundaries and managing my emotions and needs.
So, I'm obviously overjoyed seeing my fiancé again after almost four months of separation. I'll also see friends again I haven't seen since last year or longer. I'll obviously have a much more active social life, but also much more free time, than I'd have if I normally lived in Japan. I am planning on spending most days when everyone is at work looking around Tokyo, maybe signing up for a workshop or two and visiting real estate agents to have a look at apartments in our price class to see how realistic our expectations are. Those activities are obviously very different from what my daily life would be in grad school.
My question is: What can I do to really assess whether I'd be happy going back to school next year?
Right now, I am planning to go to campus to see how I feel, talk to my professor and administration, and meet my friend who still goes there. Obviously, if I have a panic attack stepping on campus or seeing my old apartment building, the whole thing is off. (Or is it?) But what if I feel good about it? Or mixed because I tend to second-guess decisions all the time even if I end up being very happy with what I chose?
Obviously, if I have a panic attack stepping on campus or seeing my old apartment building, the whole thing is off. (Or is it?)
No, not put like that. A panic attack doesn't mean anything in itself, especially in this situation. Going back to school after you had to leave for health reasons is very hard and a panic attack-- I'm assuming you mean the heart racing, dizzy, etc. physical type-- is just something your body is in the habit of doing when you get in a pressured situation like that. Your previous questions mention depression, thyroid and other stuff. I don't think you should always power through every situation where your body is telling you "I don't want to do this" but this is not a time when it's going to give you the answer.
posted by BibiRose at 10:22 AM on October 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
No, not put like that. A panic attack doesn't mean anything in itself, especially in this situation. Going back to school after you had to leave for health reasons is very hard and a panic attack-- I'm assuming you mean the heart racing, dizzy, etc. physical type-- is just something your body is in the habit of doing when you get in a pressured situation like that. Your previous questions mention depression, thyroid and other stuff. I don't think you should always power through every situation where your body is telling you "I don't want to do this" but this is not a time when it's going to give you the answer.
posted by BibiRose at 10:22 AM on October 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
Set aside a few days without planned activities, where you will be on your own. Send your fiancee away for the day and spend it by yourself. Days where you already have meetings or coffee dates scheduled don't count. Try to get a sense of how being on your own there feels to you now.
posted by ewok_academy at 11:20 AM on October 1, 2016
posted by ewok_academy at 11:20 AM on October 1, 2016
Response by poster: Maybe I wasn't clear enough, but I am already going to spend most weekdays alone because everyone I know will be at work. It's not about being on my own (I will live with my husband then, otherwise I wouldn't even go back), it's about being at school again, having unstructured (alone) time and irregular class schedules maybe dispersed by a hobby or two, which I cannot simulate during a vacation.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:34 AM on October 1, 2016
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:34 AM on October 1, 2016
Have you figured out why you were so veryveryvery-soul crushing horrible awful miserable there the first time?
posted by SLC Mom at 12:07 PM on October 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by SLC Mom at 12:07 PM on October 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm not sure if you're mocking me, but I'll answer this anyway. (Is answering that question considered thread-sitting?) Anyhow, yes, it seems to have been mostly overlooked medical issues combined with my inability to deal with my emotions in a productive way, both of which are much better now. And it wasn't the first time, but my second time alone in Japan. The first time went well, which is why I always found it strange that the second time wouldn't.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 12:40 PM on October 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by LoonyLovegood at 12:40 PM on October 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If anything, it sounds like your anxiety might spike at the idea of making this big change (I mean, it's already happening), and you might talk yourself out of what sounds like a decent plan because of the stress of feeling like you MUST BASE A HUGE DECISION ON THIS TRIP. Your worry that you'll enjoy yourself too much and have too much fun? Talk about setting yourself up for a no-win situation!
My question for you would just be, do you think you can access the same level of mental health support in Japan as you are currently getting? If yes, then try to stop talking yourself out of enjoying this trip and just enjoy it!
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:54 PM on October 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
My question for you would just be, do you think you can access the same level of mental health support in Japan as you are currently getting? If yes, then try to stop talking yourself out of enjoying this trip and just enjoy it!
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:54 PM on October 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
I would use the time to figure out your relationship. Do you definitely want to marry this man and spend your life with him? Does he feel the same? Is he willing to move to your country if living in Japan really just doesn't work for you?
Were you in this relationship before when you hated your life there? If so, try to figure out if what you need to change has changed.
I don't think a three week vacation can answer this question. You might be able to work out some relationship questions. But the question of whether living there will work for you depends on why it went wrong before and whether those issues have been resolved, or at least if you're capable of tackling them. So, yeah, see how it feels -- but don't put too much emphasis on that data.
posted by J. Wilson at 2:56 PM on October 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Were you in this relationship before when you hated your life there? If so, try to figure out if what you need to change has changed.
I don't think a three week vacation can answer this question. You might be able to work out some relationship questions. But the question of whether living there will work for you depends on why it went wrong before and whether those issues have been resolved, or at least if you're capable of tackling them. So, yeah, see how it feels -- but don't put too much emphasis on that data.
posted by J. Wilson at 2:56 PM on October 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Gently, I don't think you can. There isn't really a way to really assess how things will go when/if you move back. Just focus on the logistics - what can you afford? What will you need to do to pick back up at school? Sources of income? Mental health availability? I would suggest a premarital counseling session or two with your fiance', to make sure any lingering issues are addressed. How is your Japanese now? If it needs any work at all, then intensive language classes. See if there are any expat groups you can get tied into. Church services? Volunteer possibilities?
What if school isn't a possibility? Would you still move there? If so, what would you do? Is he willing to move? Visas, etc.
Write out all of your concerns now, before you leave. Practical concerns, that have tangible answers. Things like happiness are hard to gauge, especially in the future. And then treat this trip as a fact-finding mission. Worry about happiness when you have as many answers as you can, unless if somewhere on the trip your gut starts to tell you this is absolutely a terrible idea.
posted by umwhat at 4:04 PM on October 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
What if school isn't a possibility? Would you still move there? If so, what would you do? Is he willing to move? Visas, etc.
Write out all of your concerns now, before you leave. Practical concerns, that have tangible answers. Things like happiness are hard to gauge, especially in the future. And then treat this trip as a fact-finding mission. Worry about happiness when you have as many answers as you can, unless if somewhere on the trip your gut starts to tell you this is absolutely a terrible idea.
posted by umwhat at 4:04 PM on October 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
I agree with umwhat, at least their first sentence. You can't predict the future. Your plan sounds like a good and reasonable one. So go with it. Commit to it. Part of managing your emotions better, I think, has to be overcoming the second-guessing and anxiety. Give yourself one opportunity to make a pro and con list and make that decision, and then remind yourself every day that this is the choice you made and you need to make the best of it. It's like marriage; you can't know in advance how things will turn out, but you make a decision and jump.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:10 PM on October 1, 2016
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:10 PM on October 1, 2016
Best answer: Sorry, I was absolutely not mocking. I just remember how miserable you were and I had no help to offer. I worried about you a lot. It wouldn't make sense to go back if you didn't have a really good handle on what happened. I am so glad that you are better now. It sounds like you have a good handle on things.
Others above have put in some excellent suggestions, and I second them. Especially about finding other people to talk to. I wish you everything good.
posted by SLC Mom at 6:32 PM on October 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Others above have put in some excellent suggestions, and I second them. Especially about finding other people to talk to. I wish you everything good.
posted by SLC Mom at 6:32 PM on October 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you, everyone! I feel like whenever I ask a question like this, I don't get answers that touch what I really mean, so I think we'll just stop here.
My Japanese abilities and my relationship with my fiancé (who I have no doubts about, by the way) are excellent (I don't even know where I gave the impression that it wasn't!) and this isn't about him being unwilling to move back here, it's me thinking that I want to go back there, but not sure if I really want that or just think I want to.
Since this is considered threadsitting, I'll say it's my final update and close this thread.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:11 AM on October 2, 2016
My Japanese abilities and my relationship with my fiancé (who I have no doubts about, by the way) are excellent (I don't even know where I gave the impression that it wasn't!) and this isn't about him being unwilling to move back here, it's me thinking that I want to go back there, but not sure if I really want that or just think I want to.
Since this is considered threadsitting, I'll say it's my final update and close this thread.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:11 AM on October 2, 2016
If you're sure about your relationship, and he's willing to move back to your home country if it doesn't work out in Japan for you (both of which your update suggests), then it's not as great of a risk. That's what I was trying to get at. A three week trip can't answer this question, but it's safer to give it a shot.
You can move back there more confidently if you have an exit plan.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:42 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
You can move back there more confidently if you have an exit plan.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:42 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
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