Mom's cat has cancer, Mom just had stem cell surgery + can't find out.
September 24, 2016 12:20 PM Subscribe
My brother and I are taking care of the house while our Mom's recovering from leukemia at her own Mom's house. We've been told that she needs to have as little stress as possible since she's still early in recovery. I just took her cat to the vet for issues with his stools and discovered that he most likely has cancer. My Mom is cat-crazy so this would devastate her, so we don't think we should tell her. We also can't pay for surgery on our own. What should we do?
Our cat is 8 years old, going on 9. The vet said she was 85% certain that it was cancer (she felt a lump near his anus). She said he could have surgery and that it would cost $1000 which my brother and I cannot afford to spend right now with our Mom's treatment. She also said that he would die pretty quickly without since his bowels are blocked by the tumor. She also said that the surgery might not work since the tumor might have spread which they cannot know for sure without expensive tests.
We're pretty sure that Mom would want us to go ahead with the surgery and use her money, but we can't use her money without asking her - and she would find out something serious is going on and freak out. Our Aunt recommended putting him down since we don't have the cash - but she doesn't have an emotional connection with the cat. She also suggested we lie to our Mom and tell her the cat passed suddenly (after Mom was feeling a bit better), which I am not comfortable with.
How would you proceed? Please keep in mind we are on an extremely limited income with Mom's treatment, and that Mom would probably put her cats' lives before her own. She kept one of her cats too long IMO to the point where his quality of life was suffering towards the end. Poured $1000s into him and I'm sure she would do the same for this cat - she has a very hard time letting go even when the vet has said he's suffering and it's probably time.
I'm in shock and haven't even completely processed this yet as this is my favorite cat and he helped me get through my mom's treatment. Please let me know what you might do in my situation. The only thing I'm confident about is that Mom 100% cannot know that the cat's life is in danger - she already has some graft vs host disease and cannot take any more stress. Thank you.
Our cat is 8 years old, going on 9. The vet said she was 85% certain that it was cancer (she felt a lump near his anus). She said he could have surgery and that it would cost $1000 which my brother and I cannot afford to spend right now with our Mom's treatment. She also said that he would die pretty quickly without since his bowels are blocked by the tumor. She also said that the surgery might not work since the tumor might have spread which they cannot know for sure without expensive tests.
We're pretty sure that Mom would want us to go ahead with the surgery and use her money, but we can't use her money without asking her - and she would find out something serious is going on and freak out. Our Aunt recommended putting him down since we don't have the cash - but she doesn't have an emotional connection with the cat. She also suggested we lie to our Mom and tell her the cat passed suddenly (after Mom was feeling a bit better), which I am not comfortable with.
How would you proceed? Please keep in mind we are on an extremely limited income with Mom's treatment, and that Mom would probably put her cats' lives before her own. She kept one of her cats too long IMO to the point where his quality of life was suffering towards the end. Poured $1000s into him and I'm sure she would do the same for this cat - she has a very hard time letting go even when the vet has said he's suffering and it's probably time.
I'm in shock and haven't even completely processed this yet as this is my favorite cat and he helped me get through my mom's treatment. Please let me know what you might do in my situation. The only thing I'm confident about is that Mom 100% cannot know that the cat's life is in danger - she already has some graft vs host disease and cannot take any more stress. Thank you.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Hey there, I'm sorry you're going through this, but from your deleted comment it sounds like having this open is not helping. -- LobsterMitten
Best answer: I'm so sorry you and your mom are going through this. Could you ask your mom for the money and say that the cat has a blockage and needs surgery, which is true? Without mentioning the blockage is a tumor/cancer? Or would that still be too stressful?
posted by dayintoday at 12:23 PM on September 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by dayintoday at 12:23 PM on September 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
Ooh sorry, missed the limited income part. Hopefully someone has some info on ways to reduce the cost.
posted by dayintoday at 12:25 PM on September 24, 2016
posted by dayintoday at 12:25 PM on September 24, 2016
Best answer: Can you afford a second opinion?
posted by unknowncommand at 12:25 PM on September 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by unknowncommand at 12:25 PM on September 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Is there something slightly less serious you can tell your mother that you need the money for (either cat or house related)? I think using her money to pay for her cat's vet care, something you believe she herself would do, is fine. But I'm not sure from your post if she has the money or not. If she has the money, her vet might be willing to set up a payment plan in this circumstance, so you could put down some money and have her pay the rest when she is capable.
Also, when do you think she will be up for hearing bad news? Is this a "keep things secret for a month" or "for a year"?
posted by jeather at 12:27 PM on September 24, 2016
Also, when do you think she will be up for hearing bad news? Is this a "keep things secret for a month" or "for a year"?
posted by jeather at 12:27 PM on September 24, 2016
Don't do anything. The last time I went to a vet, the first vet jerked me around regarding draining an abscess, when I came back three days later and the abcess went from ping pong ball to golf ball that vet I trust more drained it, fixed it. There are unscrupulous sorts who make a lot of money via worried, detail oriented owners. Just let this slide for a bit, and take care of what you can take care of. Never mind this surge in the middle of a mega event like recuperating from cancer. Maybe the cat will out live your Mom.
posted by Oyéah at 12:27 PM on September 24, 2016
posted by Oyéah at 12:27 PM on September 24, 2016
Please tell her. Your mom is an adult and she loves her cat. I'm a cancer survivor and I would have been pissed as hell if one of my cats had gotten terminally ill during treatment and nobody told me.
posted by something something at 12:30 PM on September 24, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by something something at 12:30 PM on September 24, 2016 [16 favorites]
First of all, I'm happy for you that your mother received treatment and I wish her a successful recovery. That's the most important thing.
Too bad you told your Aunt. Whatever you do, stop telling this story. In fact, you should lie to your Aunt and tell her the vet was wrong.
When it's time, be compassionate by having the cat put to sleep. Of course when months later when your mother is fully recovered YOU WILL TELL HER TRUTH THAT THE CAT DIED PEACEFULLY IN HIS SLEEP
You will also have a brand new kitten with similar markings to the one that passed away + a compelling story how fate brought this kitten into your home.
Your mother's wellbeing is paramount, and there is zero question here that the compassionate choice for the cat, in any event, is to keep him comfortable and let him go painlessly when the time comes.
posted by jbenben at 12:31 PM on September 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Too bad you told your Aunt. Whatever you do, stop telling this story. In fact, you should lie to your Aunt and tell her the vet was wrong.
When it's time, be compassionate by having the cat put to sleep. Of course when months later when your mother is fully recovered YOU WILL TELL HER TRUTH THAT THE CAT DIED PEACEFULLY IN HIS SLEEP
You will also have a brand new kitten with similar markings to the one that passed away + a compelling story how fate brought this kitten into your home.
Your mother's wellbeing is paramount, and there is zero question here that the compassionate choice for the cat, in any event, is to keep him comfortable and let him go painlessly when the time comes.
posted by jbenben at 12:31 PM on September 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I agree that you need a second opinion and I'm unsure how/why the surgery is worthwhile since cancer can spread so the whole thing does not make sense.
If the blockage is non-cancerous, maybe there is another way of healing the cat? Second opinion for sure. Don't tell a new vet that you have a diagnosis. Get a new exam and see what comes back.
I hope it all goes well.
posted by jbenben at 12:36 PM on September 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
If the blockage is non-cancerous, maybe there is another way of healing the cat? Second opinion for sure. Don't tell a new vet that you have a diagnosis. Get a new exam and see what comes back.
I hope it all goes well.
posted by jbenben at 12:36 PM on September 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
If no one can afford to pay for it, there's not much to try besides an online fundraiser. (Some of these do quite well.) If that doesn't work, then you may have no choice but to keep the cat comfortable for as long as you can, and then let her go. But I don't think I could ever forgive someone who put down one of my pets while I was ill because of cost if I could afford to pay for treatment, but they didn't give me the choice because they feared upsetting me. Learning your beloved pet has died while you were hoping to get back home to be with her is pretty darned upsetting, too.
A cat with similar markings??? They're not interchangeable!
posted by praemunire at 12:39 PM on September 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
A cat with similar markings??? They're not interchangeable!
posted by praemunire at 12:39 PM on September 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
Don't lie to your Mom. She is an adult. It is her cat. Tell her the truth. Let her make her own decision. She would talk to the vet herself and make her own decision. Hopefully she will let the cat pass peacefully and take care of herself first. It is her life and her cat.
So sorry you are going through all of this. Take care.
posted by cairnoflore at 12:39 PM on September 24, 2016 [9 favorites]
So sorry you are going through all of this. Take care.
posted by cairnoflore at 12:39 PM on September 24, 2016 [9 favorites]
Like something something I am also a person with cancer and would likewise be pissed as hell if people were keeping difficult things from me. This disease is infantilizing enough with all of its restrictions it imposes on your life, that I would be mad as hell at someone assuming I couldn't handle grown-up discussions about things that are my decision to make.
posted by MsMolly at 12:40 PM on September 24, 2016 [20 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 12:40 PM on September 24, 2016 [20 favorites]
Good grief, don't lie. Do not lie to people, do not lie to your mother. Trust between people is very important, and especially as people get older and less able (in some ways), it becomes very important that not only do they trust others, they continue to be honest with them.
I'd avoid telling her about this if you can. You could certainly seek funding from other sources. Leukemia treatment is probably expensive anyway.
Does she / do you have 10-20 people you can ask to contribute to cover this? I'd do that. You can ask for $50-100 each, or maybe a little more. It's a _lot_ easier to ask for funds to help another person. Use a crowdfunding web site if you have to. These tend to work sometimes, so you might do fine.
However, I'd definitely get a second opinion on the cat. Find a really good, highly-recommended, fairly busy vet who you know will do what's best for the cat.
Also do not try to substitute a "similar" kitten. That's not fair to your Mom, who loves the cat for its personality, not its appearance. And it's not fair to the kitten, who will need more energy and patience than it will get from a recovering leukemia patient.
posted by amtho at 12:41 PM on September 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'd avoid telling her about this if you can. You could certainly seek funding from other sources. Leukemia treatment is probably expensive anyway.
Does she / do you have 10-20 people you can ask to contribute to cover this? I'd do that. You can ask for $50-100 each, or maybe a little more. It's a _lot_ easier to ask for funds to help another person. Use a crowdfunding web site if you have to. These tend to work sometimes, so you might do fine.
However, I'd definitely get a second opinion on the cat. Find a really good, highly-recommended, fairly busy vet who you know will do what's best for the cat.
Also do not try to substitute a "similar" kitten. That's not fair to your Mom, who loves the cat for its personality, not its appearance. And it's not fair to the kitten, who will need more energy and patience than it will get from a recovering leukemia patient.
posted by amtho at 12:41 PM on September 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
As a data point I had to make the difficult decision to re-home my one surviving cat, WHILE I was in the hospital just five days out from cancer diagnosis and surgery last year. It was shitty, but if someone else had made the decision for me I would have been so angry.
posted by MsMolly at 12:42 PM on September 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 12:42 PM on September 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
As a data point, my mother has twice not told me when a cat I grew up with had died, one time because I was still grieving my father's death and the other time because she couldn't bring herself to. I was absolutely livid with her and still, 25 years later, it hurts, and it feels like a terrible betrayal. I strongly agree with the other commenters that this is the wrong course of action.
posted by telophase at 12:45 PM on September 24, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by telophase at 12:45 PM on September 24, 2016 [5 favorites]
What I would do: second opinion. Open a CareCredit card to pay for the surgery if it really is necessary. Pay off the card within the promo period to avoid paying interest, or go with the lower apr over the long term if I couldn't afford more than $30-$50/month on a starting balance of ~$1000. I'd be so heartbroken if my family didn't treat my cats the way I would.
posted by Baethan at 12:46 PM on September 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Baethan at 12:46 PM on September 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
Any bowel blockage needs to be removed for the cat to be pain free. Even if the cancer has spread, the cat needs the ability to relieve itself.
If you feel comfortable that your mother would want to pay for the vet herself, then tell a white lie while asking for the initial funds. There are plenty of urgent but not scary things a cat might suffer from. UTI or abscesses come to mind.
Get the cat stable and then delay major decisions. But the fact that this obstructs the bowels makes me think that this isn't a "wait and see" option.
posted by politikitty at 12:48 PM on September 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you feel comfortable that your mother would want to pay for the vet herself, then tell a white lie while asking for the initial funds. There are plenty of urgent but not scary things a cat might suffer from. UTI or abscesses come to mind.
Get the cat stable and then delay major decisions. But the fact that this obstructs the bowels makes me think that this isn't a "wait and see" option.
posted by politikitty at 12:48 PM on September 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Get a second opinion, just in case the first one was bullshit.
Then tell your mother. She can find this out and she can cope with it. She will be very sad and she will find it all very unfair and it may give her an "appropriate" channel to vent feelings about her own situation that people don't like women/mothers to have so she has to stuff them down, which will be very uncomfortable for you. But it is also likely she will have a great deal of perspective about it as well.
You will regret it if you lie to her. Do not turn the cat into a symbolic cat representing a lot of the stuff that can come up emotionally during a family crisis.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:49 PM on September 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
Then tell your mother. She can find this out and she can cope with it. She will be very sad and she will find it all very unfair and it may give her an "appropriate" channel to vent feelings about her own situation that people don't like women/mothers to have so she has to stuff them down, which will be very uncomfortable for you. But it is also likely she will have a great deal of perspective about it as well.
You will regret it if you lie to her. Do not turn the cat into a symbolic cat representing a lot of the stuff that can come up emotionally during a family crisis.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:49 PM on September 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
The Dog and Cat cancer fund may be able to help.
Nthing telling your mom the truth.
posted by brujita at 12:54 PM on September 24, 2016
Nthing telling your mom the truth.
posted by brujita at 12:54 PM on September 24, 2016
Get a second opinion, and treat your mother like the adult she is and tell her what is going on. I have a chronic illness that makes other people in my life think that they can make my own life decisions for me, and it is really not ok. I know they mean well, but also at the end of the day this boils down to a control issue. I do not like when other people try to control me "for my own good" and I am guessing your mom does not either. Tell her. It's the right thing to do.
posted by sockermom at 1:02 PM on September 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by sockermom at 1:02 PM on September 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I meant don't lie unless you've really thought through all other options and can truly say it was the only ethical choice. Really thought them through. Clearly, that's what you're trying to do here, and I don't want you to feel bad for doing the right thing.
You are in a genuinely difficult position. Whatever you decide to do, know that you are doing the best you can with the knowledge and resources you have. Other people have to feel what they feel and react as they must, but you will always know you did the best you could.
I hope you are getting comfort from people in your life, too.
posted by amtho at 1:26 PM on September 24, 2016
You are in a genuinely difficult position. Whatever you decide to do, know that you are doing the best you can with the knowledge and resources you have. Other people have to feel what they feel and react as they must, but you will always know you did the best you could.
I hope you are getting comfort from people in your life, too.
posted by amtho at 1:26 PM on September 24, 2016
Please, please don't add to the infantilization and paternalism your mom is already experiencing as a patient by lying to her about her beloved pet. She is an adult who deserves respect for her wishes and autonomy in decision-making. Accord her that respect and autonomy.
And dear God, do NOT get her another cat if her cat passes away. That will be indescribably painful to her as she grieves to loss of her beloved companion. Animals are not interchangeable puzzle pieces. Furthermore, your mother is an autonomous adult who gets to decide when and if she's ready to share her life with a new animal.
posted by jesourie at 1:58 PM on September 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
And dear God, do NOT get her another cat if her cat passes away. That will be indescribably painful to her as she grieves to loss of her beloved companion. Animals are not interchangeable puzzle pieces. Furthermore, your mother is an autonomous adult who gets to decide when and if she's ready to share her life with a new animal.
posted by jesourie at 1:58 PM on September 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Thanquol180 at 12:22 PM on September 24, 2016