What's a polite way to tell a stranger you don't want to talk?
September 19, 2016 7:57 PM Subscribe
Is there a polite and/or likely-to-lead-to-good-results way to say to a stranger in a supermarket queue who is trying to make chit-chat with you about your day while her groceries are being rung up and you're next in line:
"Look, I get that you're trying to be friendly, but I am utterly exhausted, and if I talk to you, I'll be too tired to get home safely."
I had this happen on Saturday, and... how do you finesse that situation?
Maybe I should have said I had a headache (even though I didn't)? People seem to be more sympathetic to headaches than they are to exhaustion.
Please don't tell me I should have just talked to her: I have multiple medical conditions (and medications) that cause severe mental exhaustion (and aphasia, and difficulty putting words into sentences, and difficulty talking), and steering my powerwheelchair is very mentally taxing.
I needed to not talk to her in order to be able to navigate my powerwheelchair home safely.
I had this happen on Saturday, and... how do you finesse that situation?
Maybe I should have said I had a headache (even though I didn't)? People seem to be more sympathetic to headaches than they are to exhaustion.
Please don't tell me I should have just talked to her: I have multiple medical conditions (and medications) that cause severe mental exhaustion (and aphasia, and difficulty putting words into sentences, and difficulty talking), and steering my powerwheelchair is very mentally taxing.
I needed to not talk to her in order to be able to navigate my powerwheelchair home safely.
I think it's fine to say you have a headache. I use "headache" as a shorthand for all kinds of things including cramps and anxiety. It conveys that you aren't up for conversation or whatever but doesn't put the burden of explaining on yourself or the burden of coming up with an adequate / appropriate response on your listener.
posted by bunderful at 8:04 PM on September 19, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by bunderful at 8:04 PM on September 19, 2016 [15 favorites]
I think it's perfectly reasonable to use "I have a headache" as a euphemism for "for whatever reason, I don't feel able to engage but don't want to seem rude".
(I hope you got home okay.)
posted by Lexica at 8:09 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
(I hope you got home okay.)
posted by Lexica at 8:09 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
My wife and I have an expression we say for this:
"Sorry, don't have the lemons".
(based on the children's lemon battery project)
posted by srboisvert at 8:14 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
"Sorry, don't have the lemons".
(based on the children's lemon battery project)
posted by srboisvert at 8:14 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
I would hold my hand up in the stop position, give a slight shake to my head, and say "sorry, too tired to talk."
posted by raisingsand at 8:20 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by raisingsand at 8:20 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
I sometimes claim to have a sore throat in such situations. Somehow it makes the "talking = not happening" connection when "headache" doesn't.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:35 PM on September 19, 2016 [30 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:35 PM on September 19, 2016 [30 favorites]
This is one of the reasons why I carry a handy magazine, book, or my Kindle in my bag at all time. It's easy for me to signal "don't interrupt me" when I'm caught up reading something interesting. Phones are great for this too. And thumbing through the magazines in the racks by the check-out counter will also work in a pinch.
But really as guster4lovers says, you're also not wrong to simply say, "I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude, but I just don't have the energy to carry on a conversation right now. I hope the rest of your day is lovely and please don't take it personally."
posted by brookeb at 8:45 PM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
But really as guster4lovers says, you're also not wrong to simply say, "I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude, but I just don't have the energy to carry on a conversation right now. I hope the rest of your day is lovely and please don't take it personally."
posted by brookeb at 8:45 PM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
My cure for this is to look at my phone. Another thing that can work is to just respond in monosyllables, don't make eye contact, and allow each response to their attempt to chat trail off in an obviously disengaged manner. Occasionally a very determined person will be oblivious to all of this, but it's much less likely.
posted by Sara C. at 8:50 PM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 8:50 PM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
I would go for "Long day" rather than "too tired to talk" because I think people can relate to that without being offended. The problem, of course, is that might continue try to talk as they express their sympathy so I would throw a lot of body language behind it.
Start with responding to their conversation with a slight raised hand, palm out (like a stop sign but just pivot the wrist, don't make a big gesture, shake your head slowly to the side (a mild "no"gesture), take a deep breath and say "Sorry, long day. Just not up for talking right now"
If they respond, nod your head up and down, take another deep breath (maybe even close your eyes for a second on the breath) and just a make hum of agreement and then break eye contact. That should shut them down.
posted by metahawk at 8:57 PM on September 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
Start with responding to their conversation with a slight raised hand, palm out (like a stop sign but just pivot the wrist, don't make a big gesture, shake your head slowly to the side (a mild "no"gesture), take a deep breath and say "Sorry, long day. Just not up for talking right now"
If they respond, nod your head up and down, take another deep breath (maybe even close your eyes for a second on the breath) and just a make hum of agreement and then break eye contact. That should shut them down.
posted by metahawk at 8:57 PM on September 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
I shrug, shake my head, give a grim smile or eye roll in sympathy, and look away (or at phone or rummage in my bag). It's ok. It's not your responsibility to engage and it's not rude.
posted by soakimbo at 9:00 PM on September 19, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by soakimbo at 9:00 PM on September 19, 2016 [10 favorites]
My go to is to immediately become engrossed in my phone. Pretend you're texting someone or whatever. If they continue talking, just let them ramble. If they push you for more engagement by asking a specific question that demands response, just say, "Sorry, something just came up that I have to deal with/I just remembered I have to text my friend/SO/child/whatever about."
If they keep pushing you after that, then they are clearly an asshole. At that point, feel free to either stonewall them completely or explicitly tell them, "Sorry, I'm just too tired to talk right now." And then don't respond to them at all.
Most of the time, people take the hint when you start doing something on your phone. I also tend to proactively take out my phone and do whatever in situations where someone might potentially strike up conversation and I don't want them to.
Another option is just to keep headphones in when you're out running errands. You don't even have to have anything playing, but I would also consider getting ones that are a bright color so people will easily be able to see them. Headphones are a great "don't engage with me" signal. Plus, if someone does start to talk to you, it's easier just to ignore them and pretend like you can't hear them over your music.
(I have also used this one a fair amount. I don't like to do this when I'm walking on the streets because I like to appear and be more aware of my surroundings, but in a grocery store or even on public transport, it's a great option. I also have employed this technique at work or at home to avoid interacting with roommates/family members.)
posted by litera scripta manet at 9:12 PM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
If they keep pushing you after that, then they are clearly an asshole. At that point, feel free to either stonewall them completely or explicitly tell them, "Sorry, I'm just too tired to talk right now." And then don't respond to them at all.
Most of the time, people take the hint when you start doing something on your phone. I also tend to proactively take out my phone and do whatever in situations where someone might potentially strike up conversation and I don't want them to.
Another option is just to keep headphones in when you're out running errands. You don't even have to have anything playing, but I would also consider getting ones that are a bright color so people will easily be able to see them. Headphones are a great "don't engage with me" signal. Plus, if someone does start to talk to you, it's easier just to ignore them and pretend like you can't hear them over your music.
(I have also used this one a fair amount. I don't like to do this when I'm walking on the streets because I like to appear and be more aware of my surroundings, but in a grocery store or even on public transport, it's a great option. I also have employed this technique at work or at home to avoid interacting with roommates/family members.)
posted by litera scripta manet at 9:12 PM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
I've also gone with "sorry, I'm very nauseated right now, please --*gulp*" people REALLY don't want you puking on them.
posted by The otter lady at 9:13 PM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by The otter lady at 9:13 PM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
My understand of hardcore, rules-based etiquette is limited, but I don't think there's technically a "correct" way to start a conversation with a stranger in the grocery store. (Googling tells me Miss Manners at least is hardcore about this.) Even under the relaxed norms I grew up with, you aren't supposed to impose yourself on a captive audience, like someone trapped in a checkout line. Anyone who says something that demands more than a nod in response is being rude. Most people know this.
So with that background, nthing everyone else. Whatever you want to do to shutdown a conversation a stranger is trying to impose on you is fine, including saying you have a headache or your minds on other things or not doing more than grunting. They've already broken the politeness rule, so the only goal you need to have is to avoid getting yourself stressed about it.
Headache is basically the polite lie to get out of everything, and that's what it's understood as, so it's not a bad idea. If you can be bothered a smile while you say it can help make the interaction feel less awkward, but it's not necessary.
posted by mark k at 9:30 PM on September 19, 2016 [5 favorites]
So with that background, nthing everyone else. Whatever you want to do to shutdown a conversation a stranger is trying to impose on you is fine, including saying you have a headache or your minds on other things or not doing more than grunting. They've already broken the politeness rule, so the only goal you need to have is to avoid getting yourself stressed about it.
Headache is basically the polite lie to get out of everything, and that's what it's understood as, so it's not a bad idea. If you can be bothered a smile while you say it can help make the interaction feel less awkward, but it's not necessary.
posted by mark k at 9:30 PM on September 19, 2016 [5 favorites]
It's not rude to lie if you want to. People don't do this to me though (I am a young lady otherwise considered approachable for directions and whatnot) and I think it's cause I'm always looking at my phone. You don't have to be actually doing anything on there; just look intent. I think people do this when they think the other person is in the same boring boat as them.
posted by bleep at 9:39 PM on September 19, 2016
posted by bleep at 9:39 PM on September 19, 2016
I'm almost always wearing headphones when I'm out and about, whether or not I'm actually listening to anything, so that I have hands-free phone access. This, of course, discourages random chit chat with strangers.
I use a simple bluetooth headset that is just a wire connecting 2 earpieces with the mic and controls in the wire. There are magnets built into the earpieces, so if I want to take them out, I simply connect the earpieces and wear it around my neck, i.e., don't have to fumble for it in a pocket when I want to use it again.
posted by she's not there at 9:45 PM on September 19, 2016
I use a simple bluetooth headset that is just a wire connecting 2 earpieces with the mic and controls in the wire. There are magnets built into the earpieces, so if I want to take them out, I simply connect the earpieces and wear it around my neck, i.e., don't have to fumble for it in a pocket when I want to use it again.
posted by she's not there at 9:45 PM on September 19, 2016
I put my headphones in and kinda glare at people until they go away.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 9:56 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 9:56 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
For me, any of a headache or generalized "not well" or a long day would communicate the sort of polite refusal to chat that you seem to be going for.
Please don't pointedly distract yourself with your telephone. There are definitely people who consider that deliberately offensive. I'm shocked that so many people have suggested that. I guess there are places where that's an acceptable way to excuse yourself from a conversation? In my circles, that's more like jumping to your feet and storming off halfway through dinner. And I live in New York, so I'm not exactly some fainting antebellum Southern belle here.
posted by d. z. wang at 10:03 PM on September 19, 2016
Please don't pointedly distract yourself with your telephone. There are definitely people who consider that deliberately offensive. I'm shocked that so many people have suggested that. I guess there are places where that's an acceptable way to excuse yourself from a conversation? In my circles, that's more like jumping to your feet and storming off halfway through dinner. And I live in New York, so I'm not exactly some fainting antebellum Southern belle here.
posted by d. z. wang at 10:03 PM on September 19, 2016
Re the phone thing, I assume we're talking about using your phone prior to engaging in conversation with someone, not pulling out your phone mid conversation as a way to quietly suggest "begone, peasant", or whatever is being imagined here.
I find it rude to try to engage someone in conversation who is obviously not available to talk to you right now (especially if they are a stranger in a public place).
posted by Sara C. at 10:09 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
I find it rude to try to engage someone in conversation who is obviously not available to talk to you right now (especially if they are a stranger in a public place).
posted by Sara C. at 10:09 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
My understand of hardcore, rules-based etiquette is limited, but I don't think there's technically a "correct" way to start a conversation with a stranger in the grocery store. (Googling tells me Miss Manners at least is hardcore about this.) Even under the relaxed norms I grew up with, you aren't supposed to impose yourself on a captive audience, like someone trapped in a checkout line. Anyone who says something that demands more than a nod in response is being rude. Most people know this.
This is definitely not a universal (or even close to universal) norm.
When I'm really not in the mood to engage, and don't have the bandwidth, I usually just give a wan smile like for whatever reason, I'm not able to communicate with them... rarely do they push it. If they do, I think saying/mouthing "I'm sorry" while indicating yourself in some way is likely to make them realize they don't have your attention.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:13 PM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
This is definitely not a universal (or even close to universal) norm.
When I'm really not in the mood to engage, and don't have the bandwidth, I usually just give a wan smile like for whatever reason, I'm not able to communicate with them... rarely do they push it. If they do, I think saying/mouthing "I'm sorry" while indicating yourself in some way is likely to make them realize they don't have your attention.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:13 PM on September 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
I find it very bizarre when people try and talk to strangers in public, especially on public transport or in shops. It's not something we did in Connecticut. The person who does that has committed the rudeness.
Re the phone thing, I assume we're talking about using your phone prior to engaging in conversation with someone, not pulling out your phone mid conversation as a way to quietly suggest "begone, peasant", or whatever is being imagined here.
However, pulling out your phone mid-conversation is a good subtle signal that people should end the conversation. Putting on your headphones afterward is an even better signal.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 10:55 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Re the phone thing, I assume we're talking about using your phone prior to engaging in conversation with someone, not pulling out your phone mid conversation as a way to quietly suggest "begone, peasant", or whatever is being imagined here.
However, pulling out your phone mid-conversation is a good subtle signal that people should end the conversation. Putting on your headphones afterward is an even better signal.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 10:55 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Can't you just say "I'm sorry I can't chat, I'm not feeling well and need to save my energy" or a shorter version of that?
Seems like people are taking the long way around here when you have a simple legitimate answer; the truth.
posted by bongo_x at 10:57 PM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
Seems like people are taking the long way around here when you have a simple legitimate answer; the truth.
posted by bongo_x at 10:57 PM on September 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
I end up tapping my ear and going "I can't hear well, sorry." Which is true; I do have Auditory Processing Disorder, and the noisier the environment, the less of a chance I'll be able to understand them enough to have a conversation.
Works OK, until I ran into someone who just switched to ASL, which I don't know at all.
posted by spinifex23 at 11:21 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Works OK, until I ran into someone who just switched to ASL, which I don't know at all.
posted by spinifex23 at 11:21 PM on September 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
I am one of those people who engages strangers in conversation, including in line at the grocery store. But it's only about relevant stuff like, say, "oh those peaches! Did the rest of them look ripe, should I leave the line and go get some?" kind of stuff.
Anyway, I know it's slightly boundary crossing, so if I ever get an abrupt rejection I don't take it personally. Things that get me to say never mind and leave people alone include: the person breaking any eye contact and physically turning their body away from me, "sorry, long day" followed by them rummaging in their purse or pockets for their wallet or phone, a yawn and sleepy "huh? ... I dunno", them suddenly getting a "text" (the phone fake-out), them picking up any old magazine from the rack and flipping through it, and a couple times I've gotten "sorry, can't talk right now" with no explanation. (Someone also once grabbed a candy bar and started reading the ingredients to themselves out loud, which I thought was charming as hell, but they were probably mortified.)
So basically, literally anything that isn't responding to me in a conversational manner will get me to stop. If you're being yacked at by someone obtuse enough to keep talking at you after you don't engage or reject them, don't worry about being super blunt to the point of rudeness. They were rude first, or couldn't read your cues for their own reasons and you need to be straightforward for them to get it.
Also I have witnessed this a bunch - when the cashier starts up the "how has your day been so far?" patter, some variation on "I can't wait to get home" will often shut them up and get them to ring you up asap.
posted by Mizu at 12:32 AM on September 20, 2016 [9 favorites]
Anyway, I know it's slightly boundary crossing, so if I ever get an abrupt rejection I don't take it personally. Things that get me to say never mind and leave people alone include: the person breaking any eye contact and physically turning their body away from me, "sorry, long day" followed by them rummaging in their purse or pockets for their wallet or phone, a yawn and sleepy "huh? ... I dunno", them suddenly getting a "text" (the phone fake-out), them picking up any old magazine from the rack and flipping through it, and a couple times I've gotten "sorry, can't talk right now" with no explanation. (Someone also once grabbed a candy bar and started reading the ingredients to themselves out loud, which I thought was charming as hell, but they were probably mortified.)
So basically, literally anything that isn't responding to me in a conversational manner will get me to stop. If you're being yacked at by someone obtuse enough to keep talking at you after you don't engage or reject them, don't worry about being super blunt to the point of rudeness. They were rude first, or couldn't read your cues for their own reasons and you need to be straightforward for them to get it.
Also I have witnessed this a bunch - when the cashier starts up the "how has your day been so far?" patter, some variation on "I can't wait to get home" will often shut them up and get them to ring you up asap.
posted by Mizu at 12:32 AM on September 20, 2016 [9 favorites]
I just usually give a half-hearted smile, a small nod and break eye-contact/look elsewhere, that's usually enough to convey the message.
I find it very bizarre when people try and talk to strangers in public, especially on public transport or in shops. It's not something we did in Connecticut. The person who does that has committed the rudeness.
This seems extreme and is far from universally true, even by North American standards.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 12:37 AM on September 20, 2016 [14 favorites]
I find it very bizarre when people try and talk to strangers in public, especially on public transport or in shops. It's not something we did in Connecticut. The person who does that has committed the rudeness.
This seems extreme and is far from universally true, even by North American standards.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 12:37 AM on September 20, 2016 [14 favorites]
I'd go with 'Sorry, just not in the mood to chat'.
If they push on, 'Sorry, REALLY not in the mood to chat.'
After that, ignore. You've been clear and not rude. If they keep pushing, they are the rude ones.
These replies are so vague/universal that you can give them whatever reason you have for not wanting to chat, so you don't have to think about it and can just play this .mp3, no matter what is going on with you in the moment.
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:05 AM on September 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
If they push on, 'Sorry, REALLY not in the mood to chat.'
After that, ignore. You've been clear and not rude. If they keep pushing, they are the rude ones.
These replies are so vague/universal that you can give them whatever reason you have for not wanting to chat, so you don't have to think about it and can just play this .mp3, no matter what is going on with you in the moment.
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:05 AM on September 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
"Shh. I can't hear the voices with you talking."
Works every time.
posted by DaveP at 4:21 AM on September 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
Works every time.
posted by DaveP at 4:21 AM on September 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
I don't leave home without a hat (typically a Cloche, but you do you)
A hat brim makes an excellent screen and I can "lower" it when I'm done talking and turn my head away as appropriate.
Effective against: awkwardness, the male gaze, the over-friendly neighbour, a gauntlet of youth, etc.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 5:40 AM on September 20, 2016
A hat brim makes an excellent screen and I can "lower" it when I'm done talking and turn my head away as appropriate.
Effective against: awkwardness, the male gaze, the over-friendly neighbour, a gauntlet of youth, etc.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 5:40 AM on September 20, 2016
I have faked receiving an important phone call once or twice.
Slight startle as if phone is vibrating. Grab phone from pocket and look at screen. "Sorry, it's my kid/wife/husband/doctor/mortician!.... Hello? Oh, ... hang on a second let me get to where I can talk ..." and slowly walk away.
posted by The Deej at 6:00 AM on September 20, 2016
Slight startle as if phone is vibrating. Grab phone from pocket and look at screen. "Sorry, it's my kid/wife/husband/doctor/mortician!.... Hello? Oh, ... hang on a second let me get to where I can talk ..." and slowly walk away.
posted by The Deej at 6:00 AM on September 20, 2016
I am someone who tries to be friendly by engaging in conversations from time to time, because we are all human and it feels like sharing humanity together in a small way.
Thank you for your post, OP, as I will be mindful of situations like yours in the future, and be extra alert to signals that such chats are not welcome.
I would love to see the Spoon theory more widely known, so that you can simply say, "I'm sorry, I don't have the spoons to chat right now."
Until that glorious day when we are all spoon-informed, the preventative measures listed above, esp earphones, would certainly be a blinding-flashing-light-level signal that you don't want to talk to me.
In the absence of a preventative measure, if I run into you in the grocery store and start chatting and you say, "I'm having a terrible day and can't really engage right now" I would feel bad that I imposed but would not think badly of you in anyway, and probably say, "Of course, sorry to hear that".
Pretending you don't speak English seems problematic, fwiw. First, it sounds like more work, and second, maybe your interlocutor will also switch to Spanish/French/etc. Third, I can imagine some person making bigoted remarks about immigrants who don't learn the language.
posted by girlpublisher at 6:47 AM on September 20, 2016 [3 favorites]
Thank you for your post, OP, as I will be mindful of situations like yours in the future, and be extra alert to signals that such chats are not welcome.
I would love to see the Spoon theory more widely known, so that you can simply say, "I'm sorry, I don't have the spoons to chat right now."
Until that glorious day when we are all spoon-informed, the preventative measures listed above, esp earphones, would certainly be a blinding-flashing-light-level signal that you don't want to talk to me.
In the absence of a preventative measure, if I run into you in the grocery store and start chatting and you say, "I'm having a terrible day and can't really engage right now" I would feel bad that I imposed but would not think badly of you in anyway, and probably say, "Of course, sorry to hear that".
Pretending you don't speak English seems problematic, fwiw. First, it sounds like more work, and second, maybe your interlocutor will also switch to Spanish/French/etc. Third, I can imagine some person making bigoted remarks about immigrants who don't learn the language.
posted by girlpublisher at 6:47 AM on September 20, 2016 [3 favorites]
Mod note: A few comments deleted. Sorry, but Ask Metafilter really is just for offering advice or suggestions to answer the question, not for generalized discussion or debate about the topic.
posted by taz (staff) at 6:48 AM on September 20, 2016
posted by taz (staff) at 6:48 AM on September 20, 2016
I am often happy to chit-chat in line with random strangers and even initiate it, but I am oddly very protective of my solo-time in the grocery store. So I guess I have mastered the leave-me-alone look: no eye contact, purposeful movement through the aisles, a quick and curt "no thanks" if offered help, nonverbal responses to random chitchat in line ("m-hm" or a quick nod but no more than the slightest half-smile back, so you're not outright glaring at them). It's not rude and most people pick up on it right away with no harm done.
You're in the grocery line and managing a power wheelchair; you have enough going on that you shouldn't have to fumble with your phone as well. Just avoid eye contact and keep your face neutral.
posted by headnsouth at 8:56 AM on September 20, 2016 [5 favorites]
You're in the grocery line and managing a power wheelchair; you have enough going on that you shouldn't have to fumble with your phone as well. Just avoid eye contact and keep your face neutral.
posted by headnsouth at 8:56 AM on September 20, 2016 [5 favorites]
Reading some of the advice here made me so sad!
OP, if the person is genuinely being nice and reaching out, I like smiling and stating, I'm sorry, but I'm sooooo exhausted right now." If you're at a point where it would be too taxing for you to reply, a wan smile and a nod will give him/her the non-verbal cue that you're too tired to talk.
posted by vivzan at 9:53 AM on September 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
OP, if the person is genuinely being nice and reaching out, I like smiling and stating, I'm sorry, but I'm sooooo exhausted right now." If you're at a point where it would be too taxing for you to reply, a wan smile and a nod will give him/her the non-verbal cue that you're too tired to talk.
posted by vivzan at 9:53 AM on September 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
I give a small, tight smile, break eye contact, and go "mmhmm" or whatever barely verbal response indicates that I heard them but I'm not really participating in the conversation. I'm in New England, though, where this kind of stranger social interaction isn't the norm, so my method may be more socially acceptable here than elsewhere. If I'm lucky enough to already be looking at my phone and never made eye contact, I sometimes pretend I didn't hear them or think they're talking to someone else. I also do the headphones on but not actually listening to music fake out. If you have to say something, I think "long day" with a little head shake is a neat and easy way to end the convo. Coming up with a sincere sounding apology and an excuse sounds almost as exhausting as participating in the conversation. Lest I sound like a sociopath who hates people, I have a very people-centric job that involves answering questions and thinking on my feet all day. I have a six year old at home who never stops relaying Pokemon facts to me. When I'm out running errands I just don't have anything left to give to randos who are feeling chatty.
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 9:59 AM on September 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 9:59 AM on September 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
Shoulder shrug + "No english"
posted by AFABulous at 10:25 AM on September 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by AFABulous at 10:25 AM on September 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
This isn't an exact script, more of a procedure.
Behave as if they have already started to say goodbye, and you are just completing the conversation.
"Well it was nice to chat, have a good day."
or
"See you again soon".
This does tend to work better if you have talked at least a little bit. But it is amazingly effective in that case.
posted by Cranialtorque at 11:40 AM on September 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
Behave as if they have already started to say goodbye, and you are just completing the conversation.
"Well it was nice to chat, have a good day."
or
"See you again soon".
This does tend to work better if you have talked at least a little bit. But it is amazingly effective in that case.
posted by Cranialtorque at 11:40 AM on September 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
Tight smile, nod, look away. Do not look back if they start talking again.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:43 AM on September 20, 2016
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:43 AM on September 20, 2016
Headphones work to prevent most people from talking to you. If they haven't spotted the headphones you just point at the headphones and they should take that to mean you're not available. Anybody who is oblivious to both of these clues needs to hear a blunt 'sorry, can't talk' and then you turn away and forget all about them.
Also, cultivate an unapproachable expression.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:11 PM on September 20, 2016
Also, cultivate an unapproachable expression.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:11 PM on September 20, 2016
As with all such vexing interruptions, simply turn your eyes heavenward and point up. (You are free to decide what this gesture means for you, as they are for themselves.)
posted by tenderly at 3:20 PM on September 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by tenderly at 3:20 PM on September 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
I maintain a neutral expression and just stare at them. In my experience, some people who talk to strangers don't want to have an exchange, they just want to talk *at* someone. I'm fine listening if they need to talk that badly.
I consider it social anthropology to see what they say and how long they remain talking while I've said nothing and just continue to stare at them. Eventually they leave and I've expended very little precious energy. I'm sure this comes off as rude and judgemental, but I get interrupted a lot, even with headphones, and this is my strategy.
posted by erisfree at 3:31 PM on September 20, 2016 [3 favorites]
I consider it social anthropology to see what they say and how long they remain talking while I've said nothing and just continue to stare at them. Eventually they leave and I've expended very little precious energy. I'm sure this comes off as rude and judgemental, but I get interrupted a lot, even with headphones, and this is my strategy.
posted by erisfree at 3:31 PM on September 20, 2016 [3 favorites]
A handful of times I've apologized for my "terrible earache" making it difficult to hold a conversation right then.
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:39 PM on September 20, 2016
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:39 PM on September 20, 2016
Blank, slightly sad, very confused looks tend to work for me. Basically, I stop my face from doing whatever social niceties it usually does to hide how exhausted I am.
Are you getting people who seem like they're trying to be charitable by cheering you up? Those people might respond better to really mean looks, but blank/sad/confused might confuse or scare them enough that they'll back off.
posted by lazuli at 5:30 PM on September 20, 2016
Are you getting people who seem like they're trying to be charitable by cheering you up? Those people might respond better to really mean looks, but blank/sad/confused might confuse or scare them enough that they'll back off.
posted by lazuli at 5:30 PM on September 20, 2016
Response by poster: lazuli: Yes. 99% of the time this happens, the other person is clearly thinking "Lets make chit chat with the poor disabled person, she probably doesn't get to talk to people much" and is talking to me in a patronizing/condescending/talking-down-to manner. Sometimes with bonus Ableism, and/or bonus intrusive/invasive medical questions.
and it's like, "No, not only are you NOT doing a good deed, YOU ARE ACTIVELY MAKING MY LIFE MUCH HARDER THAN IT NEEDS TO BE."
posted by Sockpuppets 'R' Us at 7:09 PM on September 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
and it's like, "No, not only are you NOT doing a good deed, YOU ARE ACTIVELY MAKING MY LIFE MUCH HARDER THAN IT NEEDS TO BE."
posted by Sockpuppets 'R' Us at 7:09 PM on September 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
Heh, in that case, maybe try playing up the stereotype? "I DON'T WANT TO TALK!" at a higher-than-usual volume?
posted by lazuli at 7:12 PM on September 20, 2016
posted by lazuli at 7:12 PM on September 20, 2016
My default reaction in situations like this is to give a flat, fake smile, raise my eyebrows and a slight shrug and then become fascinated with my phone, my handbag contents, the sky. You could rummage in your bag (if you have one) as if you're getting your money ready for checkout. It works for a variety of conversations starters (How are you, this line sure is long, what do you think about the weather) and the non-committment kind of shuts things down.
Maybe headphones? (they don't need to be playing anything)
posted by like_neon at 2:19 AM on September 21, 2016
Maybe headphones? (they don't need to be playing anything)
posted by like_neon at 2:19 AM on September 21, 2016
I'm autistic and get aphasia/dyspraxia when I'm out of spoons, and small talk takes so many spoons, so I can relate. People also tend to do this with me WAY MORE when I have my dog with me in vest (trying to train her as an emotional support/psychiatric service dog), like visibly disabled folks are some kind of conversation piece instead of someone just trying to get errands done. (I now leave the dog at home because the benefits of bringing her are outweighed by nosy people trying to interact with us - especially since she's half trained and they often try to pet her ugh.)
1. I bring earphones and I put them in with no music on. I can always take one out if I want to engage, but this tends to get rid of the people who are easily gotten rid of.
2. I am very fond of saying I have a "migraine", especially since I'm usually squinting from those awful fluorescent lights, and this tends to be taken more seriously than "headache".
3. I also rely on: breaking eye contact, rummaging around in my basket, acting like I got a text that is very long and very urgent (aka pulling out my phone and giving it 100% of my attention until they go away).
I have found that pre-emptive dodging (aka staring pointedly at the phone the entire time in line) is more effective than giving someone the chance to start up a conversation. Unfortunately there's a certain type of obnoxious ableist "good" person who just will not be deterred in their endeavor to make the disabled person (lbh usually a woman) buffer up their ego. There's not much you can do with those types.
posted by buteo at 8:56 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
1. I bring earphones and I put them in with no music on. I can always take one out if I want to engage, but this tends to get rid of the people who are easily gotten rid of.
2. I am very fond of saying I have a "migraine", especially since I'm usually squinting from those awful fluorescent lights, and this tends to be taken more seriously than "headache".
3. I also rely on: breaking eye contact, rummaging around in my basket, acting like I got a text that is very long and very urgent (aka pulling out my phone and giving it 100% of my attention until they go away).
I have found that pre-emptive dodging (aka staring pointedly at the phone the entire time in line) is more effective than giving someone the chance to start up a conversation. Unfortunately there's a certain type of obnoxious ableist "good" person who just will not be deterred in their endeavor to make the disabled person (lbh usually a woman) buffer up their ego. There's not much you can do with those types.
posted by buteo at 8:56 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
I will say "Sorry, I don't feel like chatting right now." I don't always lead with "Sorry".
I suppose some people would find that rude. But do you really care if a stranger at the grocery store thinks you are rude?
To me, all these strategies to follow about having to hold your phone, remember to look at it, remember to bring headphones, etc. sound more exhausting than saying I don't want to chat, but I'm sure that's not the case for everyone.
I find it very bizarre when people try and talk to strangers in public, especially on public transport or in shops. It's not something we did in Connecticut. The person who does that has committed the rudeness.
Someone I was traveling with was from Connecticut, and I was surprised to see how very little they were interested in talking and interacting with people around them, assuming it to be a personal quirk of theirs. I had not realized this was a social norm in Connecticut -- it's certainly not that way everywhere!
posted by yohko at 6:28 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I suppose some people would find that rude. But do you really care if a stranger at the grocery store thinks you are rude?
To me, all these strategies to follow about having to hold your phone, remember to look at it, remember to bring headphones, etc. sound more exhausting than saying I don't want to chat, but I'm sure that's not the case for everyone.
I find it very bizarre when people try and talk to strangers in public, especially on public transport or in shops. It's not something we did in Connecticut. The person who does that has committed the rudeness.
Someone I was traveling with was from Connecticut, and I was surprised to see how very little they were interested in talking and interacting with people around them, assuming it to be a personal quirk of theirs. I had not realized this was a social norm in Connecticut -- it's certainly not that way everywhere!
posted by yohko at 6:28 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I suppose some people would find that rude. But do you really care if a stranger at the grocery store thinks you are rude?
Exactly. These sort of complicated strategies seem more apt for avoiding co-workers or friends, not strangers.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 8:44 PM on September 22, 2016
Exactly. These sort of complicated strategies seem more apt for avoiding co-workers or friends, not strangers.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 8:44 PM on September 22, 2016
But do you really care if a stranger at the grocery store thinks you are rude?
I prefer not to be rude, I don't worry much about what people think.
posted by bongo_x at 9:04 PM on September 22, 2016
I prefer not to be rude, I don't worry much about what people think.
posted by bongo_x at 9:04 PM on September 22, 2016
It's not just Connecticut, I'm from suburban NY and it's definitely a weird thing to do there too. I guess this depends on local custom a lot. For me, I don't think the danger in telling someone you don't want to talk comes from being perceived as rude. I think the danger comes from once you've said something they take it as an engagement and then they really won't stop. They broke the social taboo and then you participated in that and now there's nothing protecting you. It's better to not have any engagement at all, by not putting out any signals that you're bored or whatever, and not get them started.
I guess if there is no social taboo around talking to strangers then telling them you don't want to talk isn't as risky in that way.
posted by bleep at 9:09 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I guess if there is no social taboo around talking to strangers then telling them you don't want to talk isn't as risky in that way.
posted by bleep at 9:09 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Okay - so, I'm also from Connecticut, and I think the "reserve" thing is more of a New England thing, if you had to put a region on it - but even here, some people are just talky. And maybe trying to focus on "that's so weird that that's happening, it wouldn't happen where I am" isn't helping the OP deal with how to STOP it from happening.
The "sore throat" excuse has worked on about a dozen cab drivers over the years, in my experience. It even introduced me to a new sore throat relief tactic (one cabbie insisted I have a stick of gum that he said helped him - I accepted the gum, and he left me in silence, and I have to admit that if I really had a sore throat it'd have helped).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:53 AM on September 23, 2016
The "sore throat" excuse has worked on about a dozen cab drivers over the years, in my experience. It even introduced me to a new sore throat relief tactic (one cabbie insisted I have a stick of gum that he said helped him - I accepted the gum, and he left me in silence, and I have to admit that if I really had a sore throat it'd have helped).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:53 AM on September 23, 2016
Can you wear sunglasses? They help me create my own private world. And if you don't react at all, the person will just assume your attention is elsewhere, as they can't see your direction of vision.
posted by Vaike at 6:14 PM on September 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Vaike at 6:14 PM on September 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
Are self-checkouts a thing where you are? You can go through there with your headphoneson and not talk to anyone.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 9:44 PM on September 25, 2016
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 9:44 PM on September 25, 2016
Response by poster: Vaike: I was wearing super-dark prescription sunglasses (like I do 99% of the time) when this woman insisted on trying to strike up a conversation.
Charlemagne In Sweatpants: yes there are self-checkouts, but they are not wheelchair accessible (trust me, I've tried.)
posted by Sockpuppets 'R' Us at 10:57 PM on September 25, 2016
Charlemagne In Sweatpants: yes there are self-checkouts, but they are not wheelchair accessible (trust me, I've tried.)
posted by Sockpuppets 'R' Us at 10:57 PM on September 25, 2016
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I'm all for lying and going with the headache line.
I also like the passively-disengage-and-pretend-someone-just-texted-you ruse. Mumbling "um huh" a few times should make sure the person gets the message.
I have also gotten out of line and "gone back to get something I forgot" in this situation before.
If all else fails, go with the truth. Something like "Hey, I appreciate you being so friendly! I have a lot going on and I really don't want to be rude, so please excuse me" followed by physically turning away should work too.
posted by guster4lovers at 8:02 PM on September 19, 2016 [1 favorite]