Coping with Borderline Personality Disorder in a marriage
September 9, 2016 9:46 PM   Subscribe

I'm looking for recommendations or guidance on how one can manage the mental and emotional challenges of being married to (and co-parenting with) someone who's afflicted by BPD/HPD

To be frank I am exhausted and feeling quite a bit of despair about the current situation, and for the future; and am hoping some people from the MeFi community who have been through a similar situation have some advice, suggestions, experiences to share.

My spouse and I have been together for 11 years, married for 7. Our amazing daughter is 6. We recently separated and so far are doing fairly well with the co-parenting / sharing of responsibilities for our child (that is to say: our daughter is doing well and seems to be OK with the situation (and her child psychologist seems to agree)). Our separation is not intended to be a precursor to divorce; I have sincere hope that we will be able to get back together but our situation has been untenable for quite awhile and finally last April it was clear (to both of us) that we could not live together any longer. The separation is particularly difficult for my wife, regardless of the fact that I've told her repeatedly I still love and care for her, want us to get back together, and that I live nearby, see them often, continue to attend counseling with her (we've been doing that together for many years), and frequently and repeatedly take on responsibilities from her when she's become suddenly become overwhelmed or unavailable due to over-commiting herself elsewhere. As someone with BPD/HPD she's of course convinced that I'm leaving her -- which is not something new as of our recent separation, as that fear has been a constant presence in our relationship since the very early days -- and it repeatedly side-tracks us from being able to work together as a team, either on our own challenges, or the daily logistical challenges related to caring for our daughter, or the dog, or just getting to Work, etc. Again, none of these challenges are new due to the recent separation, but the same challenges were present years ago, even before the dog or our child came along.

We're in therapy together. We have been in therapy with the same therapist on-and-off since before we were married, but since our separation in April it's been every week. We're both on board with our therapist and respect and trust him very much, and I think he knows us very well and is able to see and call us on our bullshit, as it were. Recently we've had some very good sessions (not just in my estimation, but in his as well) where my wife is finally starting to chip away at and reveal some of the things from her past that are, I think, behind a lot of the challenges she's faced. She was sexually abused repeatedly between about ages 8 and 11, which no one in her family knows about. Her mother was unaware of this and even had she been, probably would have been unwilling or unable to believe or give validity to my wife's experience or help her through it emotionally. In other ways my wife was emotionally abandoned by her mother, and has a history of self-harm and suicide attempts during her teenage years (disregarded by her family as drama / cries for attention, I'm afraid). Her sister struggled with severe anorexia and my wife has also struggled with body image issues -- to a lesser extent, I suppose. I'm not sure why I'm writing this but to say that these challenges, and the history behind them, have come up in our couples therapy, which I think is a very good thing, and most of the more recent sessions we've had have focused 70% on her challenges and 30% on our challenges. Both myself and our therapist are encouraged by the fact that this had been happening. Which isn't to say "we" (or, I) don't need more time in therapy to work on our shared challenges - we (and I) certainly do -- but, it's clear that my wife would benefit from therapy on her own, and she's given some lip service to that, but hasn't followed up. I'm optimistic she would. I'm not sure what the prospects are of her doing it to the extent that might be necessary, or sticking with it long enough. Then again I could use some more individual therapy myself but I've yet to get back into it, so, who am I to complain.

So, in the interim, I'm left as her sole confidant in many ways, the sole emotional caretaker of her deepest fears and concerns, the one she turns to (and/or lashes out at) when she's feeling attacked by the world. And it's really, really taken a toll on me. Since I moved out in April I've been better able to take better care of my basic needs, but it's still difficult, given the frequency of interaction we have due to our daughter, and the tendency for those interactions to be turned into proxies for something else. I've been trying to push back on it - e.g. last weekend when she communicated to me and some other close friends that she was thinking of taking her life, I decided not to drive up, swoop in to her rescue, and instead got some of her friends to go help her ; there was a very positive outcome. And on the advice of our therapist, and also as a result of finally realizing I need to enforce some boundaries and take better care of myself -- if for no other reason than it's the least I can do to get into a better, more capable position to continue to be there for our daughter, and my wife (I'm the main breadwinner, she depends on my income for almost all non-discretionary spending (house, car, utilities), as well as health insurance).

I don't want to leave my wife. I love her, admire her, and care deeply for her. She's truly a unique and amazing person, effervescent with enthusiasm, who brings a tremendous amount of light into the world, but whose ongoing battle with the abandonment and abuse of her past, and the empty hole that was not filled by her parents, is making it extremely hard for me to see a future that's filled with her light or any light. To be blunt, many days it's a fucking roller coaster - one moment she indicates that all is well but within an hour it's all falling to pieces. The constancy of that emotional rollercoaster leaves me feeling stuck inside a shadow from the future, growing every day, where I'm afraid I'll never have a partner but instead be having constantly to take care of her as if I were the parent and she the child. We both want something different. She has some valid concerns about me and the challenges I've brought to our relationship; there are things she wants to see differently from our marriage, and I'd like for us to be working together as partners on those and other challenges, but it's nearly impossible for us to be present with and focus on those when I'm constantly being asked instead to fill the role of the parent who's job is left undone.

I've rambled a bit. I hope this description has been useful in describing the situation. I thank you for reading it and for any advice, guidance you may have, esp if you've been in a similar situation - in an intimate relationship with or married to someone with BPD/HPD, often struggling with depression.
posted by armoir from antproof case to Human Relations (13 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds very difficult. I have not been in a similar situation but I wanted to mention a thing or two, just in the off-chance you haven't already tried:

1.
..how one can manage the mental and emotional challenges of being married to (and co-parenting with) someone who's afflicted by BPD/HPD

Have you looked into support groups? Is there anything the therapist/religious center/other can recommend to you? There have got to be resources out there that someone can point out.

2.
To be frank I am exhausted and feeling quite a bit of despair about the current situation...

I wouldn't limit to folks who have been through something similar for support with this. I'd look deeper into family and/or friends, the real ones not the fake ones. If you can't think of friends, make new ones. Not necessarily to get help but something positive that can add to your emotional tank (even if its drop-wise) over time. Hope that makes sense.
posted by xm at 10:57 PM on September 9, 2016


Have you heard of 'bird's nest custody'...? That might keep your family close and your child safe... As an interim solution.

I had a child with somebody whose mental health (and substance abuse issues) sent him into the toilet, parenting-wise. I tried for years to enable his "parenting." I spent a lot of time undoing the damage from enabling that. (Child is quite fine now, but it's been a few years.) I regret having 'enabled' the poor, sometimes more poor than I want to discuss, "parenting." On his weekend visits, supervised by me, we often went to visit my parents because I knew he would 'behave' there.

Even very young children are quite sharp when it comes to figuring out that a parent's mental health problems are causing problems. I had long said that if I simply did not want a relationship with him, well, the house was big enough that he could take over the third floor; eventually perhaps we could figure something out with getting two apartments in the same building. When he was functional, he was functional, and my child enjoyed that. When mental illness made him non-functional as a parent/co-parent, it was very harmful to our child. If life had 'do-overs,' he would have played a much smaller role, and been pushed into getting more help...

I am familiar with BPD but had to Google HPD. Those are both things that, in my view, require quite a lot of professional help. I grok that you love her. That's kind.

But the priority is the child.

The child needs all protection you can provide from mom's illnesses.

Are you in a financial position to do something like get two apartments nearby, and obtain primary custody? I am not suggesting that you cut mom off from her daughter, not by a long shot. But with that degree of illness, the kid needs...it doesn't really matter how you feel about your wife. The priority is the child. Talk to people who grew up with mental illnesses that meant periodically treating the child, and/or the child's other parent, poorly. (There was an Ask MeFi answer that did a lot to get me moving forward to protect my kid...)

You need to recognise that your care and attention needs to be focused on the dependent, the person who has no say in what happens, the person who might look at you ten, twenty years from now and say, "Why did you let that happen to me?"

You can not and should not leave a child with a person who is suicidal. You also do not have the ability to care for a suicidal person as a non-professional.

The therapist sounds like some weak fucking tea. She's threatening to off herself; you've had "good sessions"? No. Find a counsellor you see by yourself. Please.
posted by kmennie at 11:01 PM on September 9, 2016 [21 favorites]


Best answer: It's good that you're establishing boundaries for yourself. Keep doing that. I'd also recommend during this time apart to branch out and meet as many people as you can. When your life is full of beautiful people and possibilities, you can make a more honest decision about whether you want to stay married to your wife. Otherwise you sound like you're doing everything right, and the problem is that you're exhausted. Take care of yourself, and spend more time around people who give you energy rather than drain it.
posted by mammal at 11:01 PM on September 9, 2016


It might help your despair to understand that mental health is incredibly stigmatised and that's why it's harder for people supporting folks with mental illness to get help. If she had cancer there would be a whole narrative of your needing support that would be socially acceptable. With mental illness that doesn't happen. Putting that into perspective can be very helpful.

This woman was sexually abused from the ages of 8 to 11, and perhaps doesn't have a lot of choices here.

Seriously, it's like any other chronic illness except her parents gave it to her. Practice compassion, for her but particularly for yourself as a caretaker with more social disapprobation than support.

If she's abusive towards the kid that takes priority of course. If not, what would you do for a separated spouse with cancer ? Hire a nanny? Maybe do that.
posted by Mistress at 12:12 AM on September 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Best answer: "The constancy of that emotional rollercoaster leaves me feeling stuck inside a shadow from the future, growing every day, where I'm afraid I'll never have a partner but instead be having constantly to take care of her as if I were the parent and she the child."

I know this feeling so so so so so well. You have very accurately captured the feeling. I see you.

She's truly a unique and amazing person, effervescent with enthusiasm, who brings a tremendous amount of light into the world, but whose ongoing battle with the abandonment and abuse of her past, and the empty hole that was not filled by her parents, is making it extremely hard for me to see a future that's filled with her light or any light.

And this...Again, you have stated it so precisely. I spent 17 years in a marriage with someone who suffers from BPD. We have three children. We separated for a couple of years here and there in 2011 and 2013. The separations you describe here. The "not divorcing one". The "working it out" one. Those two became three when we finally, permanently separated in April 2014, finally filed for divorce in January 2015 and we finalized our divorce December 2015.

I have deep trauma from the verbal and physical abuse I endured in the relationship when her illness flared up and sent her into manic/psychotic states. I have dealt with "the suicide cry"...gosh...probably over 100 times. I am financially ruined. I pay her enough child support to not have to work and live a VERY comfortable life because...she literally can't hold down a job of any kind. My kids...well, they are amazing kids but their lives are impacted by all this in ways that are hard for me to bear.

If I can give you any useful advice it's this: You don't have to feel this way.

Divorcing someone with BPD when you are a caregiver and still love the person is HARD. REALLY REALLY hard. Because the person with BPD can STILL push all those buttons inside you, triggering that parent/child relationship, causing strife and argumentativeness and and falling apart and crossing the boundaries you are trying to establish...and it will wear you down.

Staying with someone with BPD in a situation like this is easier in the near term, but requires you to deny yourself your needs for a partnership and functioning marriage. Now, for some people, they can do that their whole lives and stay in a marriage like this and ride it out. Myself, I was able to do it for about...12 years before I started the whole "separation not really a divorce" cycle with my ex.

We went round and round a few years like that spiraling down, making an even bigger mess of both of our lives. Basically, I was sparing her the confirmation that I "never really loved her" which came at the expense of ever growing widespread emotional and financial damage. I stayed in it for so long because I didn't want to confirm to her, and perhaps even myself, that she was right. That "I never really loved her" "that I never really knew HOW to love her".

In the end, we divorced.

I am now with an amazing life partner who meets my needs in such tremendous ways, and I have come to understand more what it was that I gave up and lost in all those years I stayed in a marriage with someone who suffered so badly from a mental illness that they were unable to function as someone's life partner. I learned a lot from that 17 year relationship, I still love my ex wife deeply and dearly, I always will. I feel like, in the end, what I gave her was the chance to get better, because our relationship itself was the crutch she was using to avoid getting better. Basically, I enabled her illness. I'm not saying you are, but I did, and maybe it's something to keep an eye out for in yourself as you try to right this situation.

Your marriage is not my marriage, your wife is not my ex-wife. Maybe your wife's struggles are not as acutely damaging as my ex. So...maybe y'all will survive this together. It's hard for me to tell you that based on my own experiences. But based on my experiences and what I know from being in a very similar situation, I can with 100% absolute certainty assure you: You don't have to feel this way.
posted by Annika Cicada at 2:27 AM on September 10, 2016 [29 favorites]


My mother had BPD, and eventually killed herself. I'm going to agree with kmennie here-- look after your daughter. If you find it crushing to live through her suicide threats, think about the impact on a child. Co-Parenting is a good goal, but is she really up to it? If she's actively threatening self-harm, then I would argue that the answer is going to be "no"-- particularly if she doesn't see why she needs help and is reluctant to work on her own treatment unless it is dressed up as marriage counseling.

I loved my mother. I miss her every single day even though she has been gone for 20 years. But living with someone who is like that-- there's a Galway Kinnell poem where he says something about "living in the pretrembling of a house which falls". (I'm sure I'm not quoting that correctly, but you get the idea.) No matter how much I loved her, however, she wasn't really equipped to be a good mother up close.

You write: "It's clear that my wife would benefit from therapy on her own, and she's given some lip service to that, but hasn't followed up." I'm not sure if this is the advice you want or not, but this is the advice I have: Until she takes responsibility for her own healing, then she is not in a position to be either a good parent or partner. And you can't make her want to take care of herself. You can, however, make sure you aren't enabling her and you can look after your child. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the best I've got.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by frumiousb at 3:50 AM on September 10, 2016 [12 favorites]


Well, I have BPD, and I can tell you that any relationship with a person who has BPD needs both partners to be fully committed to the therapeutic process together and individually. In your position I would make individual therapy that deals specifically with BPD a condition of reconnecting. In the meantime, it is never healthy for the partner of a person with BPD to be the only emotional caregiver even in connected, committed relationships. The ultimate goal of most BPD treatment is to self-soothe and stop externalizing your demons in the form of unnecessary relationship drama.

And while I have a difficult time internalizing this myself, try to remember that your wife is sick, not bad. If she's ever willing to do more than make noises about individual treatment, I think it's worth giving her a chance. But you have to do your utmost to draw boundaries and protect yourself and your child from the effects of any harmful behaviors she might demonstrate. At my worst I was a complete asshole not fit for human company much less the responsibilities of parenting or partnering.
posted by xyzzy at 7:25 AM on September 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


Best answer: You are working so hard.

As someone with severe PTSD and someone who is a LCSW but IANYT. It is hard.

There are many times in my life where I was in relationships that were mainly focused on taking care of me and my many needs. Fast foward 10 years and I'm in a much much better place.

She's just now starting to work on core issues- the journey from here if she sticks with it is long and will have ups and downs based on what she is working on.

My main suggestions are economic and emergency primarily - if she's not on disability help her apply. - have a safety plan for all of you, including hospitalization. I really found it benificial to be hospitalized in hospitals that specialized in complex trauma. It has treatment focused on just conditions related to trauma, and the goals are much different than the local adjust-meds-and-send-out hospitals that primarily treat schizophrenia and bipolar. These hospitalizations saved my life and helped me get some really basic things down I needed to get.

The reassurance needs to be reality based. Of course she's going to be confused when your actions (seperation) and different than your words. She's confused generally because holding onto a relationship baseline is super hard for her in the first place when every thing is perfect, and things aren't.

It is okay to provide reassurance that is more concrete - a letter she can read, a voicemail she can listen to so she doesn't have to call you every single time the fear hits her.

Make sure you talk about your exhaustion with others NAMI most likely had support groups in your area. I don't like some of their philosophy but it may be better than nothing. Also make sure you bring your exhaustion into therapy, and how the three of you can brainstorm resources, boundries and plans together.

Take gentle care of you. It's okay (tell her before hand though) if you need to dedicate time to yourself, turn off your phone and just spend time on you. You have to do what you need or this will never work because if you can't live you will eventually leave.
posted by AlexiaSky at 7:42 AM on September 10, 2016


Sounds like your therapist plays an important role and has been helpful, but in borderline personality disorder, dialectical behavioral therapy is gold standard treatment and there are excellent studies out there showing its efficacy in treating BPD. I would start looking for these resources (and look for Marsha Linehan's books on Amazon). You can't make it with your wife until she gets better, and it sounds like current treatment is not working. Dialectical behavioral therapy addresses the problematic behaviors seen in BPD and is very skills-based. I'm not saying the psychoanalysis your wife is doing isn't important, but when she's this ill, it's much more important that she learn the skills to help her manage her emotional and behavioral dysregulation. (You probably know BPD has a very high suicide rate--it's a deadly disease.) You should also seek our your own therapy--you can't make it with your wife until she gets better, and you also shouldn't go down with her. It's very important the children have a stable, solid adult, because they will suffer tremendously in ways that may not even become apparent until they're adults themselves. I say all of this as someone who works with people with BPD and also had a loved one with BPD.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 7:43 AM on September 10, 2016


Another person with BPD here.
I'm so so sorry for what you're going through. It's a total nightmare, I know.

Your wife HAS to get individual therapy. She needs DBT. The symptoms of BPD cannot be treated in joint therapy and a lot of therapists just do not understand BPD enough to be able to help someone suffering from it. As someone said above, it must be a condition that she get individual therapy. She cannot improve without it. A therapist may be able to encourage her to see a psychiatrist to get recommendations for possible medication that may help. I was treated unsuccessfully for depression from ages 12-28 with SSRIs before I was FINALLY diagnosed with BPD and put on mood stabilizers. They changed my life. I still experience extreme emotions but I am able to recognize that before they come bursting out of me in tears or rages. I can better control how I express things now. I know others who are also on anti-depressants (it's common for those with BPD to have depression/be bi-polar also). Medication can be incredibly helpful in minimizing some symptoms.
I also have an incredible, patient partner who had to deal with a lot of shit when we first met, but life is really good now. I'm not perfect but we've spent a lot of time putting in place coping mechanisms and methods of communication that work when I'm not feeling good. He's helped me learn what emotions are valid and what are lies my brain is telling me. I haven't been able to afford DBT therapy (have you looked into this) but I've read a lot about it and I've tried to implement it best I can. This is the most healthy I've ever been, in the only healthy LTR I've ever had.

You're not doomed, this can be managed, but your wife is going to have to do a lot of hard, emotional work. She has to accept that she needs more help than just joint therapy. You cannot be the one to fix her, she can't be fixed, she has to be the one to manage her illness with the help of professionals. You can be her support but you cannot bear this load by yourself.

If she won't get individual therapy and won't consider medication, you have to make a tough decision. Her illness isn't going to go away. You cannot spend your life suffering with her. You have to provide a positive environment for your child and if that means being divorced then that's the right thing to do.

Please listen to those above who have suggested support groups. I would be very wary of talking to friends/family about a lot of this and would seek individual therapy and support groups as people have said above. No one understands like professionals and people who are going through what you're going through.

If you would like to chat, you can me-mail me. I feel like all people ever here is the bad endings with people with BPD but there are those of us out here who are happy functioning people, it can be achieved with hard work. My really goes out to you, please look after yourself and your child.
posted by shesbenevolent at 8:56 AM on September 10, 2016 [16 favorites]


Best answer: I was sexually abused as a child. I am quite open about that online, so I have spoken with many other survivors over the years. Many of us have very serious medical problems. I have concluded that being molested as a child llikely causes or worsens medical issues.

Addressing my medical issues has helped enormously with stabilizing my moods, reducing anxiety, etc.

Blood sugar is a big part of that but it is not the only part. Dealing with allergies and reducing my exposure to allergens was another biggie.

People tend to feel less accused if you try to get them to deal with medical things instead of mental health stuff. If she has any allergies, blood sugar issues, PMS or other health issues, advocating for her to get those things effectively addressed may help stabilize her moods enough to make other things more manageable.

I'm often an emotional wreck when I am under the weather due to my incurable medical condition. No amount of talk therapy helps with that. Dietary changes and other means to actually make me physically healthier has worked wonders. When I am going off the deep end, the first thing my sons do is start running down the checklist of medical stuff.

Also, just knowing the origin is physical helps enormously. Knowing that low blood sugar causes my heart to race and my adrenaline to spike helps reduce feelings of paranoia and persecution because it tells me my feelings of being very on edge are entirely real, not just in my head, and not emotional or social in origin.

When my child with anger management issues was a in puberty, one day I explained the hormone spike he was experiencing and the emotional consequences of all those hirmones and summed it up as "Your problem is called testerone, not My Bitch Mother." He laughed and was easier to deal with after that.

When we don't have an explanation for such feelings, we look for one. If we do not know it is medical, we often blame it on someone nearby having done something. If you tell someone experiencing such symptoms that no one did anything and they do not know it has a medical explanation, they feel like you are gaslighting them and it feels really crazymaking. Realizing those feelings are a normal side effect of certain medical things can help tremendously.

Best.
posted by Michele in California at 12:49 PM on September 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


I agree wholeheartedly with kmennie and frumiousb - the focus needs to be the child. I grew up with a mother who has bipolar. My parents separated when I was 6. I seemed fine then because I didn't know what was going on and she hadn't yet started using me as the surrogate parent because she was still wrapped up in my father. As I got older, I became my mom's parent because she was not capable of a lot of daily life activities beyond going to work. She was intermittently suicidal and attempted once. My father had part time custody, but this made no difference since I spent most of my time with my mother.

Anyway, this has had permanent effects on my life and relationships. I have anxiety because I was always on eggshells with her. I was terrified of her - if not physically, then emotionally. She said cruel things to me, and even though I'm 41 now and can rationally say "her illness made her do it," it doesn't take away the sting. I ended up marrying someone who was likewise temperamental, because I'd grown to see that as normal.

Your wife absolutely must get thorough psychiatric treatment in order to be a mother. You must fight for this, even at the cost of your marriage, because your child will be more severely affected the less treatment she gets.
posted by AFABulous at 4:27 PM on September 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


Response by poster: A very belated thank you to all for your kindness, thoughtful responses, and openness in sharing your experiences. It has really helped knowing there are others having these experiences, having gone through similar experiences, and made it to the other side.

We're doing OK. Not great, but better. But most importantly, my daughter is safe, happy, and flourishing.

Thanks again.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 2:46 PM on January 21, 2017 [2 favorites]


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