How to deal with paralegal in small law firm
September 4, 2016 9:50 AM Subscribe
I am an attorney at small law firm, and I am constantly on conflict with the paralegal. Recently she has shown some extreme disrespect, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Should I go directly to my boss or try to speak with the paralegal? More details below.
So here's the deal: I love my firm and boss and the work that I do. I get paid well and nice benefits, particularly for a small firm. My boss is a great mentor and encourages my professional growth. She pays for my learning opportunities, including conferences. I have learned a lot and become pretty good at what I do to the point that she allows me to do a lot of client communication with the companies (I do corporate immigration), which is what she used to control previously. And I have a great relationship with the newer clients because I've been the only person they've communicated with.
Ok so point is, I am growing professionally and enjoy my work. However, the paralegal at our office is a huge bitch to me. She's been working with my boss for about 15 years (they moved from Big Law together). She's very experienced and very good at what she does. I've always treated her respectfully and as an equal, if not as my superior because I recognize the wealth of knowledge and experience she has. I also recognize that she really will never be fired, as my boss once said to me that she considers her the most valuable person at the firm.
The paralegal has treated me disrespectfully since I started. She doesn't respect my authority, she has tried to undermine me behind my back, she has even sabotaged me (in the beginning) by letting me mess up things when I asked her questions so that I would look bad in front of my boss.
The final straw was this past week. My boss has been on vacation for three weeks and left me in charge. The paralegal also went on vacation for a week, so I was by myself. A case that the paralegal was working on became a priority, and my boss emailed me to take it. So I did and I completed the work. As a professional courtesy, I emailed the paralegal with the email chain to tell her I was taking the case, as it was now assigned to me. When the paralegal got back from vacation, she asked me about the case and I told her it was assigned to me and that I sent her the email. She said : "I don't know how it worked where you used to work, but you don't just take people's work when they're out for a few days. I don't want to come back again and find out you stole my cases." I was shocked, but calmly stated again that it had become a priority and was assigned to me, and that I emailed her about it.
We haven't spoken since, as she's been giving me the silent treatment. This was on Thursday, and she was out on Friday. So my opportunity to say anything will be Tuesday because the office is closed Monday for the holiday. I don't know if I should talk directly to to the paralegal or go to my boss, but I will not tolerate being disrespected or spoken to that way again.
And I'm even thinking about looking for a new job because my boss had a talk with me a few weeks ago about me taking over the firm in a few years, so I have to continue to learn everything she does on a day to day basis. I know I could never oversee the paralegal because she doesn't respect me. As great of a future I know I could have there, I'm concerned I will not be happy because of her. And this entire situation has made me extremely unhappy because I feel stuck. If I say something, the paralegal could get worse. Also because she doesn't respect me, I don't seem to have any authority to get her to start treating me better.
So, what would you do in this situation?
So here's the deal: I love my firm and boss and the work that I do. I get paid well and nice benefits, particularly for a small firm. My boss is a great mentor and encourages my professional growth. She pays for my learning opportunities, including conferences. I have learned a lot and become pretty good at what I do to the point that she allows me to do a lot of client communication with the companies (I do corporate immigration), which is what she used to control previously. And I have a great relationship with the newer clients because I've been the only person they've communicated with.
Ok so point is, I am growing professionally and enjoy my work. However, the paralegal at our office is a huge bitch to me. She's been working with my boss for about 15 years (they moved from Big Law together). She's very experienced and very good at what she does. I've always treated her respectfully and as an equal, if not as my superior because I recognize the wealth of knowledge and experience she has. I also recognize that she really will never be fired, as my boss once said to me that she considers her the most valuable person at the firm.
The paralegal has treated me disrespectfully since I started. She doesn't respect my authority, she has tried to undermine me behind my back, she has even sabotaged me (in the beginning) by letting me mess up things when I asked her questions so that I would look bad in front of my boss.
The final straw was this past week. My boss has been on vacation for three weeks and left me in charge. The paralegal also went on vacation for a week, so I was by myself. A case that the paralegal was working on became a priority, and my boss emailed me to take it. So I did and I completed the work. As a professional courtesy, I emailed the paralegal with the email chain to tell her I was taking the case, as it was now assigned to me. When the paralegal got back from vacation, she asked me about the case and I told her it was assigned to me and that I sent her the email. She said : "I don't know how it worked where you used to work, but you don't just take people's work when they're out for a few days. I don't want to come back again and find out you stole my cases." I was shocked, but calmly stated again that it had become a priority and was assigned to me, and that I emailed her about it.
We haven't spoken since, as she's been giving me the silent treatment. This was on Thursday, and she was out on Friday. So my opportunity to say anything will be Tuesday because the office is closed Monday for the holiday. I don't know if I should talk directly to to the paralegal or go to my boss, but I will not tolerate being disrespected or spoken to that way again.
And I'm even thinking about looking for a new job because my boss had a talk with me a few weeks ago about me taking over the firm in a few years, so I have to continue to learn everything she does on a day to day basis. I know I could never oversee the paralegal because she doesn't respect me. As great of a future I know I could have there, I'm concerned I will not be happy because of her. And this entire situation has made me extremely unhappy because I feel stuck. If I say something, the paralegal could get worse. Also because she doesn't respect me, I don't seem to have any authority to get her to start treating me better.
So, what would you do in this situation?
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
I would ask your boss what's up. He may have heard something from her; he may have had an experience like this previously... and in any case, he needs to know. I wouldn't couch it as tattling or complaining - you'll lose if you make it a "her or me" thing. But he may have insight, or at the very least he may be able to change his workflow so that she finds out things like your work assignments from him, rather than from you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:26 AM on September 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:26 AM on September 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
Good lord. Learn to cover your ass. If your boss asked you to take the case, email the paralegal to tell her you've been assigned the case, and cc your boss.
If she has a problem, she can take it up with your boss.
And then go to your boss, NOT WITH A COMPLAINT but for help. "I realise Jane is an essential part of the firm and it wouldn't function without her, and I'm distressed that I seem to be upsetting her all the time. You guys have a great relationship; can you give me some advice on making things work better with her?"
Because it doesn't matter if you are in the wrong or in the right; you are on a three-man boat, and you need to start bailing.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:26 AM on September 4, 2016 [87 favorites]
If she has a problem, she can take it up with your boss.
And then go to your boss, NOT WITH A COMPLAINT but for help. "I realise Jane is an essential part of the firm and it wouldn't function without her, and I'm distressed that I seem to be upsetting her all the time. You guys have a great relationship; can you give me some advice on making things work better with her?"
Because it doesn't matter if you are in the wrong or in the right; you are on a three-man boat, and you need to start bailing.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:26 AM on September 4, 2016 [87 favorites]
I've always treated her respectfully and as an equal, if not as my superior because I recognize the wealth of knowledge and experience she has.
This is a great thing to say, but--I don't think the rest of your post actually reflects this at all. You say right afterwards that she doesn't respect your "authority". You've implied that from the very beginning that she's been deliberately trying to get you to mess up. These things are not consistent with what you say about how you've recognized her value.
I will not tolerate being disrespected or spoken to that way again.
Your boss has made it clear that this person is a more valuable part of the organization than you are. Your boss is quite possibly right that this person is a more valuable part of the organization than you are. You can certainly say you don't want her to snap at you again, but you are talking here like you're coming from a position of her being junior to you, and in the organization you're actually in, she's not.
I'm not saying she's being lovely and charming here, or anything like that. I'm just saying that you're approaching this as though you're further up in the organization than she is, and that approach is almost certainly going to end up with you having to leave. Sometimes it's not enough to just be polite; sometimes you have to actually learn to respect the contributions of people who don't have lofty job titles or graduate degrees. You graduated a year ago. She's been doing this for 15 years. How would you resolve these conflicts if she was at the level of your boss instead of someone you were an authority over? Try that.
posted by Sequence at 10:27 AM on September 4, 2016 [38 favorites]
This is a great thing to say, but--I don't think the rest of your post actually reflects this at all. You say right afterwards that she doesn't respect your "authority". You've implied that from the very beginning that she's been deliberately trying to get you to mess up. These things are not consistent with what you say about how you've recognized her value.
I will not tolerate being disrespected or spoken to that way again.
Your boss has made it clear that this person is a more valuable part of the organization than you are. Your boss is quite possibly right that this person is a more valuable part of the organization than you are. You can certainly say you don't want her to snap at you again, but you are talking here like you're coming from a position of her being junior to you, and in the organization you're actually in, she's not.
I'm not saying she's being lovely and charming here, or anything like that. I'm just saying that you're approaching this as though you're further up in the organization than she is, and that approach is almost certainly going to end up with you having to leave. Sometimes it's not enough to just be polite; sometimes you have to actually learn to respect the contributions of people who don't have lofty job titles or graduate degrees. You graduated a year ago. She's been doing this for 15 years. How would you resolve these conflicts if she was at the level of your boss instead of someone you were an authority over? Try that.
posted by Sequence at 10:27 AM on September 4, 2016 [38 favorites]
IDK, have you considered that this paralegal may feel that she's being undermined by you? It sounds like she has a close relationship with your boss, and it's possible that this talk about you taking over the firm, could possibly have her feeling a combination of:
This most recent incident sounds very much like she wasn't clear on the fact that your boss passed it off to you (at least given the way you've phrased it). I think that one thing for you to keep in mind is that you are actually in a position of power relative to her.
posted by phack at 10:32 AM on September 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
- 1. Being replaced
- 2. Being disrespected (insofar as she has "seniority" in this relationship, and yeah I know that's not really how things work, but it doesn't necessarily make it different
- 3. Insecure, in that she may be worried about her job going forward.
This most recent incident sounds very much like she wasn't clear on the fact that your boss passed it off to you (at least given the way you've phrased it). I think that one thing for you to keep in mind is that you are actually in a position of power relative to her.
posted by phack at 10:32 AM on September 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
Best answer: "I don't know how it worked where you used to work, but you don't just take people's work when they're out for a few days. I don't want to come back again and find out you stole my cases."
My initial assumption when looking at lawyer-paralegal personal conflicts is that the problem lies primarily with the lawyer, but this is deranged. I can only conclude that she feels immensely, not disrespected, but threatened by your competence. She presumably has had a free hand running her cases for some time, and now you, the new hotness with the actual JD, come in and do well and build business. If your boss is thinking about eventually handing over the firm to you, not her, I'm sure she knows this, too. Because paralegals are usually on the short end of the prestige/background/education/power stick, I've seen situations where, when they do get some autonomy, they develop a defensive entitlement ("I'm just as good as you!") and/or have never acquired the middle-class methods to deal with ordinary conflict in what lawyers generally would recognize as a professional way, so things end up going nuclear unnecessarily.
Unfortunately, if you are thinking about leaving over this, you have to talk to your boss about it. If nothing else, you have to protect yourself against any further attempts to undermine you, which means you have to surface the problem for her in a way that makes it sound like you're concerned about workflow rather than engaged in a personal sniping fest. But I'm doubtful whether the paralegal will ever change, even if you end up running the firm entirely.
you are talking here like you're coming from a position of her being junior to you, and in the organization you're actually in, she's not
I think OP probably knows if she is superior to the paralegal in the organization or not. Just because the paralegal has more experience really doesn't mean she's in charge. It's always good to be respectful of people who have been around longer and have more experience than you do, but there are limits.
posted by praemunire at 10:35 AM on September 4, 2016 [22 favorites]
My initial assumption when looking at lawyer-paralegal personal conflicts is that the problem lies primarily with the lawyer, but this is deranged. I can only conclude that she feels immensely, not disrespected, but threatened by your competence. She presumably has had a free hand running her cases for some time, and now you, the new hotness with the actual JD, come in and do well and build business. If your boss is thinking about eventually handing over the firm to you, not her, I'm sure she knows this, too. Because paralegals are usually on the short end of the prestige/background/education/power stick, I've seen situations where, when they do get some autonomy, they develop a defensive entitlement ("I'm just as good as you!") and/or have never acquired the middle-class methods to deal with ordinary conflict in what lawyers generally would recognize as a professional way, so things end up going nuclear unnecessarily.
Unfortunately, if you are thinking about leaving over this, you have to talk to your boss about it. If nothing else, you have to protect yourself against any further attempts to undermine you, which means you have to surface the problem for her in a way that makes it sound like you're concerned about workflow rather than engaged in a personal sniping fest. But I'm doubtful whether the paralegal will ever change, even if you end up running the firm entirely.
you are talking here like you're coming from a position of her being junior to you, and in the organization you're actually in, she's not
I think OP probably knows if she is superior to the paralegal in the organization or not. Just because the paralegal has more experience really doesn't mean she's in charge. It's always good to be respectful of people who have been around longer and have more experience than you do, but there are limits.
posted by praemunire at 10:35 AM on September 4, 2016 [22 favorites]
Respect and a Metrocard get you on the subway. Continue to deal with her with utmost professional courtesy, and ignore her discourtesies. You have no upside in making it "her or me" or asking the boss to arbitrate a dispute between what will look like (to him) two high maintenance whiners.
posted by MattD at 10:43 AM on September 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by MattD at 10:43 AM on September 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
Your way of talking about this situation seems odd to me, but maybe I don't understand law office dynamics. Just when I think about the other people I work with, from our secretary to the person who cleans our building, I would never think to complain that they don't "respect my authority." We all do important things and, while I make more money than them and am in a more "prestigious" position, they do important things that keep the office space running well. And, frankly, some of the work they do is stuff I would be pretty bad at.
It doesn't sound like the paralegal that works with you is being a particularly good coworker, but from reading your question, I wonder if you don't truly value the work that your paralegal does and she's picking up on that.
posted by Betelgeuse at 10:43 AM on September 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
It doesn't sound like the paralegal that works with you is being a particularly good coworker, but from reading your question, I wonder if you don't truly value the work that your paralegal does and she's picking up on that.
posted by Betelgeuse at 10:43 AM on September 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
One, if you do take over, you can fire her. You're not stuck with her forever, and your framing of it as being that way seems like a catastrophic cognitive distortion that's not helping you see the situation clearly. (Having recently dealt with very similar workplace dynamics, I totally understand why you're doing it, but see if you can set it aside.)
Two, if I were you, I'd ask your boss for advice. "Something's really not working out with my interactions with [paralegal], and I can't figure out how to stop the tension or even figure out what's wrong. Do you have any insight or advice?"
posted by lazuli at 10:47 AM on September 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
Two, if I were you, I'd ask your boss for advice. "Something's really not working out with my interactions with [paralegal], and I can't figure out how to stop the tension or even figure out what's wrong. Do you have any insight or advice?"
posted by lazuli at 10:47 AM on September 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
"I don't know how it worked where you used to work, but you don't just take people's work when they're out for a few days. I don't want to come back again and find out you stole my cases."
You should have immediately either forwarded the original email assigning you the case (why wasn't she CCd on that email? is a question you need to have with your boss) or written a fresh email to the two of them saying, "Since there is confusion on this, I want to get confirmation from Boss that I was assigned this case by email on 8/1/2016 at 8:50am. If we need to have a meeting to get this straightened out, let me know what time you want to do that."
You *need* to be looping your boss in on this shit, and you boss needs to not be making it worse. Call her on it every time you have an opportunity to do so. Since you seem to have been keeping this a secret from your boss you are probably in for a reckoning yourself, but maybe try to pretend it's been not-great in the past and is beginning to escalate now.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:52 AM on September 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
You should have immediately either forwarded the original email assigning you the case (why wasn't she CCd on that email? is a question you need to have with your boss) or written a fresh email to the two of them saying, "Since there is confusion on this, I want to get confirmation from Boss that I was assigned this case by email on 8/1/2016 at 8:50am. If we need to have a meeting to get this straightened out, let me know what time you want to do that."
You *need* to be looping your boss in on this shit, and you boss needs to not be making it worse. Call her on it every time you have an opportunity to do so. Since you seem to have been keeping this a secret from your boss you are probably in for a reckoning yourself, but maybe try to pretend it's been not-great in the past and is beginning to escalate now.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:52 AM on September 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: But you do have authority over your secretary, and if your secretary told you flat-out, say, that she was not going to do an urgent assignment you had given her because she preferred to work on someone else's (non-urgent) assignment, you'd have this problem, no matter how much you thought her work was important and she was good at it. I think these issues are framed more starkly in law firms because people tend to be working on relatively short deadlines to do things that have to be done cooperatively in very precise ways, so there's less time to sugar things and blur over these distinctions (and because the billable hour puts a precise value on people's work--the boss can probably charge considerably more for what OP does than for what the paralegal does), but they exist in any company with a hierarchy.
If your boss came from Biglaw, OP, even if she is inclined to defend the paralegal, which she probably will be, she'll know that that kind of comment is really not appropriate. If you are careful to present the problem in as neutral and low-drama a way as possible, she'll understand. She won't fire her, but really your most important goal here is to avoid professional sabotage.
I wonder if there have been problems with previous associates with the firm, or if there have never been associates with the firm before, so this is the first time the paralegal has had to deal with this uncomfortable situation.
posted by praemunire at 10:57 AM on September 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
If your boss came from Biglaw, OP, even if she is inclined to defend the paralegal, which she probably will be, she'll know that that kind of comment is really not appropriate. If you are careful to present the problem in as neutral and low-drama a way as possible, she'll understand. She won't fire her, but really your most important goal here is to avoid professional sabotage.
I wonder if there have been problems with previous associates with the firm, or if there have never been associates with the firm before, so this is the first time the paralegal has had to deal with this uncomfortable situation.
posted by praemunire at 10:57 AM on September 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
When I say "respect my authority", I am speaking about the general understanding that I am actually am in a position of power, being that I am an attorney.
Military police have a saying about this for dealing with people who are literally of a higher rank than them: "Sir/ma'am, don't confuse your rank for my authority."
You outrank her, but she has been given an immense amount of authority in your firm. There is a difference.
posted by Etrigan at 11:03 AM on September 4, 2016 [38 favorites]
Military police have a saying about this for dealing with people who are literally of a higher rank than them: "Sir/ma'am, don't confuse your rank for my authority."
You outrank her, but she has been given an immense amount of authority in your firm. There is a difference.
posted by Etrigan at 11:03 AM on September 4, 2016 [38 favorites]
I am speaking about the general understanding that I am actually am in a position of power, being that I am an attorney
Yeahbut, and I don't mean to be rude about this, but it appears from previous questions that you're a pretty new JD. And the number of unemployed or underemployed new JDs your boss can choose from to train up in this specialty and eventually maybe sell the firm to is essentially infinite, while I expect the number of paralegals with 15 years experience in corporate immigration law is small. Unless there were a fairly large number of firms competing for you when you joined this one and so you had objective reasons to be highly confident you could move laterally at will, I would govern myself as someone who is very, very replaceable.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:05 AM on September 4, 2016 [15 favorites]
Yeahbut, and I don't mean to be rude about this, but it appears from previous questions that you're a pretty new JD. And the number of unemployed or underemployed new JDs your boss can choose from to train up in this specialty and eventually maybe sell the firm to is essentially infinite, while I expect the number of paralegals with 15 years experience in corporate immigration law is small. Unless there were a fairly large number of firms competing for you when you joined this one and so you had objective reasons to be highly confident you could move laterally at will, I would govern myself as someone who is very, very replaceable.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:05 AM on September 4, 2016 [15 favorites]
I've been afraid of her since Day 1 and have done nothing but basically kiss her ass
Maybe that's counterproductive? I may absolutely be projecting, but the situation sounds very similar to some problems I was having with our secretary/de-facto office manager, who's been there a really long time (I'm new-ish) and is hugely opinionated and likes to get her own way, and tends to bully new employees as much as they let her get away with. It generally takes a couple polite rounds of people saying, "No, really, I need you to do this this way" or "...by X date" or whatever for her to back down. (And then she's normally totally pleasant after that. It just seems to be her way of asserting some sort of dominance so she can write off people who don't stand up to her.)
posted by lazuli at 11:05 AM on September 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
Maybe that's counterproductive? I may absolutely be projecting, but the situation sounds very similar to some problems I was having with our secretary/de-facto office manager, who's been there a really long time (I'm new-ish) and is hugely opinionated and likes to get her own way, and tends to bully new employees as much as they let her get away with. It generally takes a couple polite rounds of people saying, "No, really, I need you to do this this way" or "...by X date" or whatever for her to back down. (And then she's normally totally pleasant after that. It just seems to be her way of asserting some sort of dominance so she can write off people who don't stand up to her.)
posted by lazuli at 11:05 AM on September 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
Your update makes it really clear that you expect paralegals to be subservient to lawyers, on the whole. And indeed, this is normal at many law firms. But it doesn't seem to be normal at this one - the paralegal is more experienced than you and has been at the firm for 15 years. Her job has always been to support her boss, who has never been assisted by another attorney. It sounds like, if she has some cases that are "hers", that she has been acting almost as though she were another attorney in the firm. I don't think it necessarily is in her job description to support you, and it sounds highly unlikely that your boss has had a conversation saying "hey FYI, you take orders from Attorney now."
Honestly, in military terminology (I blame Etrigan) it sounds like you're a 2LT trying to pull rank on the first sergeant. You are someone who technically outranks her, but her positional authority is higher than yours currently - in short, you may need to be the one respecting her, and it sounds like you aren't. You say you've been "kissing her ass", but it sounds like you're resentful of that fact - as though you feel treating her as though her authority is higher than yours is an unconscionable burden.
When you wrote her the email, did you write it as though you were taking a case from another attorney? "Hey, I know this is your case but Boss needed something done ASAP so had me grab it." Or did you write her a simple, curt note, with no explanations, because you didn't feel she was entitled to a better one?
posted by corb at 11:09 AM on September 4, 2016 [10 favorites]
Honestly, in military terminology (I blame Etrigan) it sounds like you're a 2LT trying to pull rank on the first sergeant. You are someone who technically outranks her, but her positional authority is higher than yours currently - in short, you may need to be the one respecting her, and it sounds like you aren't. You say you've been "kissing her ass", but it sounds like you're resentful of that fact - as though you feel treating her as though her authority is higher than yours is an unconscionable burden.
When you wrote her the email, did you write it as though you were taking a case from another attorney? "Hey, I know this is your case but Boss needed something done ASAP so had me grab it." Or did you write her a simple, curt note, with no explanations, because you didn't feel she was entitled to a better one?
posted by corb at 11:09 AM on September 4, 2016 [10 favorites]
My saying that she needs to be respectful amounts to the impossibility of this power dynamic when the person whose job is to literally support you, doesn't.
As nicely as possible, please drop the word "disrespectful" from your vocabulary, both when thinking about it and when discussing it. It is painfully, painfully Millennial. For people of the generation I suspect you are dealing with, respect is a thing you earn not a default state. You can demand politeness, you can even demand deference, but you cannot demand respect.
Instead, I would recommend focusing on the actual problem you finally articulated: she is unsupportive. That is a functional, definable workplace issue.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:20 AM on September 4, 2016 [11 favorites]
As nicely as possible, please drop the word "disrespectful" from your vocabulary, both when thinking about it and when discussing it. It is painfully, painfully Millennial. For people of the generation I suspect you are dealing with, respect is a thing you earn not a default state. You can demand politeness, you can even demand deference, but you cannot demand respect.
Instead, I would recommend focusing on the actual problem you finally articulated: she is unsupportive. That is a functional, definable workplace issue.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:20 AM on September 4, 2016 [11 favorites]
Are you a woman and your boss a man? That might have a big role here. It sounds a lot like the new female doctor or resident conflict with senior female nurses that I've seen time and time again. Some (mostly older) women will not accept other women in positions of authority (not power-the paralegal /nurse in this analogy definitely has more power).
posted by genmonster at 11:30 AM on September 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by genmonster at 11:30 AM on September 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: You may want to clarify workflow set-up and your ability to draw on paralegal for support as part of a wider development conversation with you boss. If you're being groomed as successor that topic should not be off the table.
Bring this up in the context of 'paralegal seemed to be put out by you reallocating the case to me, could you please copy her in future when she reassigns work to make sure everybody is on the same page?'. As you seem to say this is causing a workflow problem you could bring up what problems there have been. The two of them clearly had ways of updating things that worked for them. They don'w work now. As it's just the three of you and as paralegal is acting as attorney suggest having a regular 15-30 min office catch up every day or every other day. There you discuss as team where everything is at and priorities for the next day or two. This ensures you find out what you need to know, she is treated as 'equal' if that is indeed the role she plays and hopefully the three of you will begin to work more as a team.
Based on your updates it really does not sound as if the paralegal has acted like a paralegal or been treated as one (from a traditional hierarchy perspective) for many years. So you'll not win this one by coming at it from that angle.
It doesn't sound like that is the case but if your boss now wants to 'demote' her back to a more traditional paralegal role that will end very poorly (as you can already see). Your boss would need to communicate that very clearly to paralegal. Boss would also needs to come up with some kind of carrot to sweeten the deal for her.
As for the paralegal, ignore her as much as possible. Be utterly professional. If she is uncooperative and it is causing a problem escalate. If it is just unpleasant model yourself on a duck, her crap is like water and it rolls right off you back.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:40 AM on September 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
Bring this up in the context of 'paralegal seemed to be put out by you reallocating the case to me, could you please copy her in future when she reassigns work to make sure everybody is on the same page?'. As you seem to say this is causing a workflow problem you could bring up what problems there have been. The two of them clearly had ways of updating things that worked for them. They don'w work now. As it's just the three of you and as paralegal is acting as attorney suggest having a regular 15-30 min office catch up every day or every other day. There you discuss as team where everything is at and priorities for the next day or two. This ensures you find out what you need to know, she is treated as 'equal' if that is indeed the role she plays and hopefully the three of you will begin to work more as a team.
Based on your updates it really does not sound as if the paralegal has acted like a paralegal or been treated as one (from a traditional hierarchy perspective) for many years. So you'll not win this one by coming at it from that angle.
It doesn't sound like that is the case but if your boss now wants to 'demote' her back to a more traditional paralegal role that will end very poorly (as you can already see). Your boss would need to communicate that very clearly to paralegal. Boss would also needs to come up with some kind of carrot to sweeten the deal for her.
As for the paralegal, ignore her as much as possible. Be utterly professional. If she is uncooperative and it is causing a problem escalate. If it is just unpleasant model yourself on a duck, her crap is like water and it rolls right off you back.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:40 AM on September 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
I was in this kind of situation with an office administrator, by virtue of being new and younger than she was. I think your boss needs to be clearer in communicating whose duties are whose. There is definitely something off here if she thinks you are "stealing" work from her. One thing that happened in our case was, she was assigned additional and unwelcome duties, and thought it was because of me, because there had been a juggling of duties around the time I came. And it suited the higher ups to let her think what she might.
But although I walked into a situation where this was very likely to happen-- I was disrupting relationships what had been close, if somewhat dysfunctional, for years-- I made some mistakes and was not sufficiently respectful to the administrator and I repaired that by apologizing for those things, and expressing resolve to go forward in a positive manner. I told her I depended on her and asked her what she needed me to do and listened with no argument. And it worked. We were never the best of friends, but we worked together with no problems.
posted by BibiRose at 11:45 AM on September 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
But although I walked into a situation where this was very likely to happen-- I was disrupting relationships what had been close, if somewhat dysfunctional, for years-- I made some mistakes and was not sufficiently respectful to the administrator and I repaired that by apologizing for those things, and expressing resolve to go forward in a positive manner. I told her I depended on her and asked her what she needed me to do and listened with no argument. And it worked. We were never the best of friends, but we worked together with no problems.
posted by BibiRose at 11:45 AM on September 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
I was doomed from the start.
Back to say you are catastrophising. You're not doomed. But with all the empathy in the world you sound like a little girl, not a professional, when you say these things. You need to stop tiptoeing around this woman. You are there to do your job. You do your job. If her lack of professionalism is causing a business problem that needs escalating and addressing. If it's not causing a business problem and you'd just prefer she were nice and she's not, you need to put your big girl pants on and focus on the job at hand.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:46 AM on September 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
Back to say you are catastrophising. You're not doomed. But with all the empathy in the world you sound like a little girl, not a professional, when you say these things. You need to stop tiptoeing around this woman. You are there to do your job. You do your job. If her lack of professionalism is causing a business problem that needs escalating and addressing. If it's not causing a business problem and you'd just prefer she were nice and she's not, you need to put your big girl pants on and focus on the job at hand.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:46 AM on September 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
It sounds like honestly the core of the problem is that you and she have different ideas of her work responsibilities and the hierarchy of the organization.
The good news is this is eminently solveable! This is something you can take to Boss, without making it sound like you're engaged in conflict. Something like "Hey, just trying to figure out, what are Paralegal's work areas? I want to make sure I'm not tasking her with something that's inappropriate." Boss will then clarify for you. If Boss's clarification sounds more like what you believe, you can then ease into, "Hmm, would you mind clarifying with Paralegal? I'm not sure she understands she's supposed to be supporting me now." If Boss's clarification is more like Paralegal's interpretation, then you can move on with "Okay cool thanks, just wanted to make sure I knew all the lines!"
posted by corb at 11:52 AM on September 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
The good news is this is eminently solveable! This is something you can take to Boss, without making it sound like you're engaged in conflict. Something like "Hey, just trying to figure out, what are Paralegal's work areas? I want to make sure I'm not tasking her with something that's inappropriate." Boss will then clarify for you. If Boss's clarification sounds more like what you believe, you can then ease into, "Hmm, would you mind clarifying with Paralegal? I'm not sure she understands she's supposed to be supporting me now." If Boss's clarification is more like Paralegal's interpretation, then you can move on with "Okay cool thanks, just wanted to make sure I knew all the lines!"
posted by corb at 11:52 AM on September 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
I don't agree with the general sentiment here that this is probably your doing. I've been in similar situations, and basically accepted that it was my fault, somehow, and that I must have done something to make this woman hate me. As I got older, I realized that it wasn't my fault. It can be hard for certain people to like you, just because they are in a certain role, you are in a certain role, and perhaps you vaguely remind them of someone else (or an entire class of people) who treated them badly or who, for whatever reason, they expect to treat them badly.
You probably don't deserve this. However, you are probably not doomed, either.
I regret that I basically gave in to these situations and left them rather than put up with certain older ladies loathing me for no apparent reason. Later, having felt an occasional stab of jealousy, I came to understand at least one potential explanation for those terrible dynamics.
Bright young things do win over crusty resentful ladies. It takes creativity, and it takes accepting the real power you do have -- not "I have a degree" power, but "people care what I say and think even when I don't ask for or deserve it" and "I can figure this out" power. That power includes the automatic charm that comes from youth, the authority that comes from your degree, and the intelligence you posess naturally.
It's up to you to lead the situation.
You can't be disingenuous; you can't just compliment or try to charm her when you're not feeling it. Complimenting her outfit might imply to her that you don't respect her mind so you're only focusing on her appearance.
I can't help you solve this problem, really, but I can tell you three things I've learned:
1) It will take you really "womaning up" and applying your whole intelligence to basically face her, figure out some new approaches, and getting over your intimidation;
2) If you don't cross the uncrossable lines or insult her in an unforgivable way, the situation will eventually change, the awkwardness will eventually moderate, and you can and will get through this.
3) Focus on individual behaviors. Her ignoring you? That's no good. You should talk to her about that specifically. Ask her what you can do to get answers to your questions. Expect her to say things like "I was addressing Head Lawyer and your questions were inappropriate at that time" - be prepared with answers to this, or to absorb her objections and respond to them later, perhaps with "I sometimes need to ask questions in the moment to be able to work efficiently."
You may need to address each behavior individually, and it will be hard, and scary. That's OK; even if you mess up and horribly alienate this lady even further, you can use this awesome experience a _lot_ later on.
- on being nice -
One other thing you _might_ try: in watching the dynamics between older/younger women and more/less successful women, I've noticed that some young women seem to overcome this problem by basically being super awesome nice all the time. I'm not sure how appropriate that is here, but it seems to work. You _can't_ be fake nice; you have to feel it, feel happiness when you see this person (which might be possible if you genuinely feel that the firm is lucky to have her and you are lucky to be able to learn from her).
Learn actual details about her, her life, and what she likes. Wait for the right opportunity to bring that into your relationship. Her birthday? You happen to know she loves hummingbirds -- something Chief Lawyer doesn't -- and are able to convince Chief Lawyer to chip in and get the ultimate hummingbird feeder for her.
- one final thought -
I love this idea: Ask a favor, make a friend. I think this might work well here. She knows a lot of things that can help you, and she has a lot of skills that can help you. Have you tried asking her for actual help being a better lawyer? Things like, "I just don't feel I know enough about X. Can you recommend something for me to read?" If she were a man, this would never fly past the feminist radar. In any case, I'm not suggesting you feign ignorance where none exists. Just demonstrate 1) you are determined to be someone who is truly excellent and deserves this position, and 2) you truly respect and need her knowledge.
There are possibly non-law areas where she could help you, too. She probably knows good doctors, restaurants, dry cleaners, etc. in the area.
It's a way of humbling yourself. It's my only real idea here. Good luck. Be brave. I hope you have friends you can talk this through.
Oh, and please never ever use the word "bitch". You are better and more compassionate than that.
posted by amtho at 12:30 PM on September 4, 2016 [24 favorites]
You probably don't deserve this. However, you are probably not doomed, either.
I regret that I basically gave in to these situations and left them rather than put up with certain older ladies loathing me for no apparent reason. Later, having felt an occasional stab of jealousy, I came to understand at least one potential explanation for those terrible dynamics.
Bright young things do win over crusty resentful ladies. It takes creativity, and it takes accepting the real power you do have -- not "I have a degree" power, but "people care what I say and think even when I don't ask for or deserve it" and "I can figure this out" power. That power includes the automatic charm that comes from youth, the authority that comes from your degree, and the intelligence you posess naturally.
It's up to you to lead the situation.
You can't be disingenuous; you can't just compliment or try to charm her when you're not feeling it. Complimenting her outfit might imply to her that you don't respect her mind so you're only focusing on her appearance.
I can't help you solve this problem, really, but I can tell you three things I've learned:
1) It will take you really "womaning up" and applying your whole intelligence to basically face her, figure out some new approaches, and getting over your intimidation;
2) If you don't cross the uncrossable lines or insult her in an unforgivable way, the situation will eventually change, the awkwardness will eventually moderate, and you can and will get through this.
3) Focus on individual behaviors. Her ignoring you? That's no good. You should talk to her about that specifically. Ask her what you can do to get answers to your questions. Expect her to say things like "I was addressing Head Lawyer and your questions were inappropriate at that time" - be prepared with answers to this, or to absorb her objections and respond to them later, perhaps with "I sometimes need to ask questions in the moment to be able to work efficiently."
You may need to address each behavior individually, and it will be hard, and scary. That's OK; even if you mess up and horribly alienate this lady even further, you can use this awesome experience a _lot_ later on.
- on being nice -
One other thing you _might_ try: in watching the dynamics between older/younger women and more/less successful women, I've noticed that some young women seem to overcome this problem by basically being super awesome nice all the time. I'm not sure how appropriate that is here, but it seems to work. You _can't_ be fake nice; you have to feel it, feel happiness when you see this person (which might be possible if you genuinely feel that the firm is lucky to have her and you are lucky to be able to learn from her).
Learn actual details about her, her life, and what she likes. Wait for the right opportunity to bring that into your relationship. Her birthday? You happen to know she loves hummingbirds -- something Chief Lawyer doesn't -- and are able to convince Chief Lawyer to chip in and get the ultimate hummingbird feeder for her.
- one final thought -
I love this idea: Ask a favor, make a friend. I think this might work well here. She knows a lot of things that can help you, and she has a lot of skills that can help you. Have you tried asking her for actual help being a better lawyer? Things like, "I just don't feel I know enough about X. Can you recommend something for me to read?" If she were a man, this would never fly past the feminist radar. In any case, I'm not suggesting you feign ignorance where none exists. Just demonstrate 1) you are determined to be someone who is truly excellent and deserves this position, and 2) you truly respect and need her knowledge.
There are possibly non-law areas where she could help you, too. She probably knows good doctors, restaurants, dry cleaners, etc. in the area.
It's a way of humbling yourself. It's my only real idea here. Good luck. Be brave. I hope you have friends you can talk this through.
Oh, and please never ever use the word "bitch". You are better and more compassionate than that.
posted by amtho at 12:30 PM on September 4, 2016 [24 favorites]
I've been a paralegal (and other forms of support staff). I took pride in doing a really good job at my 'support' roles, but also kind of hated my job because I knew I was capable of more, and had to fight so hard to get a couple of pieces of work that were stimulating or engaging so I could manage to live with my job day-to-day. Meanwhile, I saw people who were no more capable than me (or much less capable/experienced than me.) just handed that interesting work I craved, because they had more advanced degrees.
In retrospect, I understand that this is simply how office hierarchies/society works, and it was not any individual's fault. But, at the time it really annoyed me when people I worked for would be like "Oh you are just THE BEST at photocopying!!! Nobody photocopies like you!!! I am such a fool in these photocopying matters!!!" because it felt like they were implying that photocopying was the pinnacle of my accomplishments, and no doubt a skill I was immensely proud of; when in fact it was not.
It's not that I didn't understand that photocopying was part of my job; but the bosses that I appreciated most, and got along with best, were the ones that would treat me as an essential part of a work team, while also expressing genuine interest in me as a person, and looking for ways to help me cultivate the ambitions/interests/talents I had that went beyond the official (very unskilled, very boring) scope of my job. They wouldn't ask me to photocopy something if they knew that I was in the middle of a complex, difficult task for someone else, because they recognized that because I was lower-on-the-totem-pole, it would be hard for me to say no. They understood that my job was to support a whole team/project, not just be at the beck and call of one individual.
In your situation, I wonder if this paralegal looks at you and sees some young whippersnapper coming to take all the interesting parts of her job, that she may have worked really hard to earn over the years (like this case that your boss assigned you while she was gone?) and leave her with nothing but the comparatively boring obligations of a personal assistant. I wonder if your 'respect' for her feels like condescension to her. Obviously this is not your intent. But if I were in your shoes, before throwing in the towel or going to your boss, I would make a really strong effort to connect with this woman on a personal level outside the office, and show some interest in her life, her ambitions, her story. I get that this probably feels like being way more friendly than she deserves, given her passive-aggressive behavior toward you (and, if she doesn't respond to good-faith friendliness efforts, she is probably just unhappy and resentful to an extent that you will not be able to budge). But, maybe give it a try?
posted by Owl of Athena at 12:43 PM on September 4, 2016 [10 favorites]
In retrospect, I understand that this is simply how office hierarchies/society works, and it was not any individual's fault. But, at the time it really annoyed me when people I worked for would be like "Oh you are just THE BEST at photocopying!!! Nobody photocopies like you!!! I am such a fool in these photocopying matters!!!" because it felt like they were implying that photocopying was the pinnacle of my accomplishments, and no doubt a skill I was immensely proud of; when in fact it was not.
It's not that I didn't understand that photocopying was part of my job; but the bosses that I appreciated most, and got along with best, were the ones that would treat me as an essential part of a work team, while also expressing genuine interest in me as a person, and looking for ways to help me cultivate the ambitions/interests/talents I had that went beyond the official (very unskilled, very boring) scope of my job. They wouldn't ask me to photocopy something if they knew that I was in the middle of a complex, difficult task for someone else, because they recognized that because I was lower-on-the-totem-pole, it would be hard for me to say no. They understood that my job was to support a whole team/project, not just be at the beck and call of one individual.
In your situation, I wonder if this paralegal looks at you and sees some young whippersnapper coming to take all the interesting parts of her job, that she may have worked really hard to earn over the years (like this case that your boss assigned you while she was gone?) and leave her with nothing but the comparatively boring obligations of a personal assistant. I wonder if your 'respect' for her feels like condescension to her. Obviously this is not your intent. But if I were in your shoes, before throwing in the towel or going to your boss, I would make a really strong effort to connect with this woman on a personal level outside the office, and show some interest in her life, her ambitions, her story. I get that this probably feels like being way more friendly than she deserves, given her passive-aggressive behavior toward you (and, if she doesn't respond to good-faith friendliness efforts, she is probably just unhappy and resentful to an extent that you will not be able to budge). But, maybe give it a try?
posted by Owl of Athena at 12:43 PM on September 4, 2016 [10 favorites]
FYI, A paralegal's job is literally to support an attorney. But I'm not trying to pull rank, which is why I am in this dilemma!
For what it's worth, I threw out any idea that you respect her at all when you called her a bitch. You're saying your boss thinks she's the most valuable, you're saying you treat her like an equal if not a superior, then you say the above. If you're "taking over her case" then she's working cases. She has the client relationships, she has the chemistry with your boss, she has the ability to make you look like an idiot if she answers one of your questions incorrectly. If she dies tomorrow the firm loses Longtime Paralegal. If you die tomorrow the firm loses an attorney.
Yes to addressing individual behaviors and coming at this like she's not in a support role. You do your cases, she'll do hers, you'll support her as necessary with your credentials as an attorney and she'll support you by sharing her knowledge. First: if this is the first case of hers you've taken over while she's out ask her how she wants it to go in the future. Second, yes to going to your boss to ask how paralegal is used to operating. "I feel like I'm not approaching her effectively or I'm stepping on my toes. What can I do differently?"
Bottom line, even if this is her problem you can't control her behaviors and you still have opportunities. Focus on your opportunities and hope for the best.
posted by good lorneing at 12:52 PM on September 4, 2016 [10 favorites]
For what it's worth, I threw out any idea that you respect her at all when you called her a bitch. You're saying your boss thinks she's the most valuable, you're saying you treat her like an equal if not a superior, then you say the above. If you're "taking over her case" then she's working cases. She has the client relationships, she has the chemistry with your boss, she has the ability to make you look like an idiot if she answers one of your questions incorrectly. If she dies tomorrow the firm loses Longtime Paralegal. If you die tomorrow the firm loses an attorney.
Yes to addressing individual behaviors and coming at this like she's not in a support role. You do your cases, she'll do hers, you'll support her as necessary with your credentials as an attorney and she'll support you by sharing her knowledge. First: if this is the first case of hers you've taken over while she's out ask her how she wants it to go in the future. Second, yes to going to your boss to ask how paralegal is used to operating. "I feel like I'm not approaching her effectively or I'm stepping on my toes. What can I do differently?"
Bottom line, even if this is her problem you can't control her behaviors and you still have opportunities. Focus on your opportunities and hope for the best.
posted by good lorneing at 12:52 PM on September 4, 2016 [10 favorites]
I think you're taking this very personally, which is understandable but it's really just a job. It sounds like you're both getting your egos tied up which isn't very productive. Try to reduce the amount of emotional language you use to describe the situation to yourself and others ("she has even sabotaged me," "the final straw," "extremely unhappy," "I was shocked," "I was doomed from the start," etc.). Wherever you go, there are going to be people who just don't like you. It's a bummer but if you're nice to them and they aren't nice back, that's on them, not you.
I'd increase the amount of communication you do with this person over email so it's easier to document instances when you ask her questions and she doesn't answer. And I wouldn't mention this to your boss unless it actually affects your ability to do your job. "Hey Marissa, I've asked Esther repeatedly, in person and over email for details on the Smith case and she won't get back to me. How should I proceed?" - fine. "Marissa, I'm thinking of quitting because Esther is mean and doesn't respect me" - nooooo.
posted by kat518 at 1:07 PM on September 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'd increase the amount of communication you do with this person over email so it's easier to document instances when you ask her questions and she doesn't answer. And I wouldn't mention this to your boss unless it actually affects your ability to do your job. "Hey Marissa, I've asked Esther repeatedly, in person and over email for details on the Smith case and she won't get back to me. How should I proceed?" - fine. "Marissa, I'm thinking of quitting because Esther is mean and doesn't respect me" - nooooo.
posted by kat518 at 1:07 PM on September 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
Wow, I am so sorry you are facing this situation.
I witnessed a similar dynamic between a junior doctor (very nice, super polite, and a little timid) and a senior nurse (a bit jaded and acting in a very rude manner to the doc).
My advice
- Be super polite and professional at all times. If you show your frustration even once it will just give her ammo.
- Concentrate on getting the job done. Imagine how you would work around another rude attorney to get the job done. Then do it.
- Cover your a** at all times.
- Do not engage emotionally. Imagine you are participating in a professional training, section, dealing with difficult coworkers.
- If she is outright rude to your face, don't tell her she's rude, don't engage, don't discuss your work relationship.
- Don't try to win her over. If she's on a power trip, she will just get worse.
- Work on good relationships with other people in the office, and your boss. I cannot stress this enough.
- Do not get pulled into a power struggle. You really do not have to. It's about the job.
PS. The nurse eventually got fired for unrelated reasons. The doc is now very popular with all the nurses.
posted by M. at 1:08 PM on September 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
I witnessed a similar dynamic between a junior doctor (very nice, super polite, and a little timid) and a senior nurse (a bit jaded and acting in a very rude manner to the doc).
My advice
- Be super polite and professional at all times. If you show your frustration even once it will just give her ammo.
- Concentrate on getting the job done. Imagine how you would work around another rude attorney to get the job done. Then do it.
- Cover your a** at all times.
- Do not engage emotionally. Imagine you are participating in a professional training, section, dealing with difficult coworkers.
- If she is outright rude to your face, don't tell her she's rude, don't engage, don't discuss your work relationship.
- Don't try to win her over. If she's on a power trip, she will just get worse.
- Work on good relationships with other people in the office, and your boss. I cannot stress this enough.
- Do not get pulled into a power struggle. You really do not have to. It's about the job.
PS. The nurse eventually got fired for unrelated reasons. The doc is now very popular with all the nurses.
posted by M. at 1:08 PM on September 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
I totally understand that you had to take over the case while she was away, but why couldn't it go back to her afterwards? I would be grateful and understanding if a colleague stepped up for me while I was away but I would be pissed if they kept it after I returned. I can see that breeding resentment, particularly if it was something she'd worked on a long time that just came to a head in those few days.
posted by kitten magic at 1:11 PM on September 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by kitten magic at 1:11 PM on September 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
(said by kat518)Try to reduce the amount of emotional language you use to describe the situation to yourself and others ("she has even sabotaged me," "the final straw," "extremely unhappy," "I was shocked," "I was doomed from the start," etc.).
I'd increase the amount of communication you do with this person over email so it's easier to document instances when you ask her questions and she doesn't answer.
And I wouldn't mention this to your boss unless it actually affects your ability to do your job. "Hey Marissa, I've asked Esther repeatedly, in person and over email for details on the Smith case and she won't get back to me. How should I proceed?" - fine. "Marissa, I'm thinking of quitting because Esther is mean and doesn't respect me" - nooooo.
This, times 100. Don't make it about egos, emotions, etc, at all.
Concentrate on doing a great job - this will also buy you some political capital.
I disagree with the advice to ask the paralegal "how she wants it to be handled in the future". The boss assigned the work to you, you notified the paralegal, end of story. If she's not happy, she has to bring it up with the boss, or she can say to you "next time, I'd prefer you to..."
I would bring it up with the boss saying "I'd like to clarify, when I took over Jane's case, is there something I should have done differently? I notified her by email about it but upon her return it seems that she disagreed with my taking over the case. Could you clarify with her that it was indeed your decision? I don't want her to feel like I am taking away her cases with no reason".
Also, this would be a good question to ask Alison from Ask a Manager
posted by M. at 1:19 PM on September 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'd increase the amount of communication you do with this person over email so it's easier to document instances when you ask her questions and she doesn't answer.
And I wouldn't mention this to your boss unless it actually affects your ability to do your job. "Hey Marissa, I've asked Esther repeatedly, in person and over email for details on the Smith case and she won't get back to me. How should I proceed?" - fine. "Marissa, I'm thinking of quitting because Esther is mean and doesn't respect me" - nooooo.
This, times 100. Don't make it about egos, emotions, etc, at all.
Concentrate on doing a great job - this will also buy you some political capital.
I disagree with the advice to ask the paralegal "how she wants it to be handled in the future". The boss assigned the work to you, you notified the paralegal, end of story. If she's not happy, she has to bring it up with the boss, or she can say to you "next time, I'd prefer you to..."
I would bring it up with the boss saying "I'd like to clarify, when I took over Jane's case, is there something I should have done differently? I notified her by email about it but upon her return it seems that she disagreed with my taking over the case. Could you clarify with her that it was indeed your decision? I don't want her to feel like I am taking away her cases with no reason".
Also, this would be a good question to ask Alison from Ask a Manager
posted by M. at 1:19 PM on September 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'm sorry this is happening, and I'm sorry someone upthread said you're acting like a "little girl". I try not to ask work questions here because people have such disparate experiences in their professional lives, and the advice can often be quite rude and demeaning.
That being said I've been in your exact position and ended up getting fired because the paralegal in question wanted me gone. She complained that I didn't say hi to her in the mornings (I didn't say hi to anyone, I hate mornings), and then she complained about my work.
Months later I heard from a partner that they'd been having a terrible time hiring anyone as good as me after that, and I cackled with glee.
If it sucks, change it. I've never regretted leaving a job, even when it wasn't my idea.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 1:20 PM on September 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
That being said I've been in your exact position and ended up getting fired because the paralegal in question wanted me gone. She complained that I didn't say hi to her in the mornings (I didn't say hi to anyone, I hate mornings), and then she complained about my work.
Months later I heard from a partner that they'd been having a terrible time hiring anyone as good as me after that, and I cackled with glee.
If it sucks, change it. I've never regretted leaving a job, even when it wasn't my idea.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 1:20 PM on September 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
Are you sure the boss is not pitting you against each other??
I literally can not understand how the paralegal was told via email 2x that this case was re-assigned to you, and yet she still said what she said.
I also can not understand how your boss is talking to you about taking over the firm when her closest colleague literally pretends you are not speaking when the two of you interact.
Pull WAY back. What is really going on here? I don't think we know yet.
posted by jbenben at 1:36 PM on September 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
I literally can not understand how the paralegal was told via email 2x that this case was re-assigned to you, and yet she still said what she said.
I also can not understand how your boss is talking to you about taking over the firm when her closest colleague literally pretends you are not speaking when the two of you interact.
Pull WAY back. What is really going on here? I don't think we know yet.
posted by jbenben at 1:36 PM on September 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
"She said : "I don't know how it worked where you used to work, but you don't just take people's work when they're out for a few days. I don't want to come back again and find out you stole my cases."
I cite this statement as evidence. There is a huge disconnect. Did the paralegal deny receiving the first two emails on the subject?
Just curious.
I find the fact that your job is super awesome except for this one person who is absolutely torturing you under the boss's nose highly curious. What an interesting dynamic, right?
posted by jbenben at 1:42 PM on September 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
I cite this statement as evidence. There is a huge disconnect. Did the paralegal deny receiving the first two emails on the subject?
Just curious.
I find the fact that your job is super awesome except for this one person who is absolutely torturing you under the boss's nose highly curious. What an interesting dynamic, right?
posted by jbenben at 1:42 PM on September 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
Not an attorney, but I had an ex who is, was in US BigLaw, and he did not do very well because evaluation after evaluation that he received consistently noted that he had problems with the support staff. The ex was a total dick in many ways, and one way it came shining through was his response to these evaluations. No matter how many times he was told he was causing problems by dealing poorly with the support staff, he remained steadfast in his view that but their entire job is to support me!
Completely missing the point that the firm would cease to function without the secretaries and paralegals he was being dickish to and trying to pull rank on... He was an attorney, they were beneath him, and that was the end of it. They were co-workers, not his private underlings. He could not view it that way, and did not last long at any firm.
I also know of a teacher who had a similar problem with support staff. But I'm the teacher! Yes, and they are [job titles]; you're all in it together, you don't seem to be getting that, and you are getting a bad reputation because of that...
For what that's worth, anyway.
posted by kmennie at 1:53 PM on September 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
Completely missing the point that the firm would cease to function without the secretaries and paralegals he was being dickish to and trying to pull rank on... He was an attorney, they were beneath him, and that was the end of it. They were co-workers, not his private underlings. He could not view it that way, and did not last long at any firm.
I also know of a teacher who had a similar problem with support staff. But I'm the teacher! Yes, and they are [job titles]; you're all in it together, you don't seem to be getting that, and you are getting a bad reputation because of that...
For what that's worth, anyway.
posted by kmennie at 1:53 PM on September 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Young female physician here. Yup, I and most other female physicians are intimately familiar with this dynamic. It is a toxic product of internalized sexism combined with a hierarchical working environment. Let me talk about nurses, since that's the world I know: nurses have a vital role in patient care, which is equally important to that of physicians, but it is a *different* role than that of the physician, and because of sexism, it is perceived as a less prestigious role (sometimes by both doctors and nurses, because we all have some internalized sexism). Many nurses are justly angry about the lesser prestige of their incredibly vital role -- they are trained professionals with a vital skill set, but historically have not been treated this way, though this is hopefully changing. Unfortunately, some nurses seem to express this frustration by setting out to prove that they are *better* than physicians, and that they should be able to do all the things physicians do -- for example although the physician's job is supposed to be to diagnose the patient and decide on the course of treatment, a nurse might undermine this by "misunderstanding" treatment orders that s/he does not agree with, and phoning multiple times in the middle of the night to "clarify" them. (Yes, there are times when treatment orders are legitimately incorrect or poorly written, and they do require questioning or clarification, but there are times when this is used as a bullying tactic as well, and I suspect you recognize when you are being bullied.)
The effective response to this is *not* to be deferential and gush about the dysfunctional nurse's immense experience. This just causes your bully to become more convinced that you are incompetent, and their undermining, hectoring, and bullying will just become worse.
The effective response is to fully embody the authority of your role. This doesn't mean you should be mean or angry or dismissive -- in fact the opposite is true. Imagine the absolute best lawyer you can - someone who is experienced, kind, and an absolutely brilliant legal mind. Now behave the way that person would:
- unfailingly polite -- after all, you have the authority, so why do you have to be mean? That would be petty.
- utterly assured that your authority will be respected -- so when something needs to be done, you politely *tell* the person to do it: "I'll need that file right away -- could you grab it now, please. Thanks!" "This patient will need vitals every 2 hours -- thanks! I'll decrease the frequency as soon as they are stable enough."
- in case of blatant rudeness or disregard of your instructions, do not talk about the effect of the incredible rudeness on your feelings (even though your feelings are very valid!) -- you are so utterly comfortable in your position that there is no way someone else's odd behaviour could possibly make you feel hurt or insecure or undermined.
- instead, always make your arguments based on the needs of the client "This is a major patient care issue" "This is causing unacceptable delays in treatment" "There is a potential safety issue here".
- give praise where you are genuinely able to do so, but do *not* praise someone when they are stepping into your role. Praise someone when they are doing fantastic work in their actual job, and let them know they are valued by acknowledging how important their particular role is. (In nursing: "The patient's family has been raving about how responsive you've been. Thanks for working so hard with him -- I know he's a very demanding patient." "Thanks for calling about that pt's confusion -- it was very subtle, and he's lucky you noticed it so quickly."
In other words, you are a professional. You are trained for a particular role. You don't need to apologize for this -- you bear the responsibilities of that role as well as its prestige. Part of your role includes leading a team -- it is your responsibility to do that too. Embody the authority of the role, and even if you are not always confident in your ability to do so, act the part of the competent, kind, respectful leader that you want to be -- the rest will follow.
posted by TheLittlestRobot at 1:58 PM on September 4, 2016 [88 favorites]
The effective response to this is *not* to be deferential and gush about the dysfunctional nurse's immense experience. This just causes your bully to become more convinced that you are incompetent, and their undermining, hectoring, and bullying will just become worse.
The effective response is to fully embody the authority of your role. This doesn't mean you should be mean or angry or dismissive -- in fact the opposite is true. Imagine the absolute best lawyer you can - someone who is experienced, kind, and an absolutely brilliant legal mind. Now behave the way that person would:
- unfailingly polite -- after all, you have the authority, so why do you have to be mean? That would be petty.
- utterly assured that your authority will be respected -- so when something needs to be done, you politely *tell* the person to do it: "I'll need that file right away -- could you grab it now, please. Thanks!" "This patient will need vitals every 2 hours -- thanks! I'll decrease the frequency as soon as they are stable enough."
- in case of blatant rudeness or disregard of your instructions, do not talk about the effect of the incredible rudeness on your feelings (even though your feelings are very valid!) -- you are so utterly comfortable in your position that there is no way someone else's odd behaviour could possibly make you feel hurt or insecure or undermined.
- instead, always make your arguments based on the needs of the client "This is a major patient care issue" "This is causing unacceptable delays in treatment" "There is a potential safety issue here".
- give praise where you are genuinely able to do so, but do *not* praise someone when they are stepping into your role. Praise someone when they are doing fantastic work in their actual job, and let them know they are valued by acknowledging how important their particular role is. (In nursing: "The patient's family has been raving about how responsive you've been. Thanks for working so hard with him -- I know he's a very demanding patient." "Thanks for calling about that pt's confusion -- it was very subtle, and he's lucky you noticed it so quickly."
In other words, you are a professional. You are trained for a particular role. You don't need to apologize for this -- you bear the responsibilities of that role as well as its prestige. Part of your role includes leading a team -- it is your responsibility to do that too. Embody the authority of the role, and even if you are not always confident in your ability to do so, act the part of the competent, kind, respectful leader that you want to be -- the rest will follow.
posted by TheLittlestRobot at 1:58 PM on September 4, 2016 [88 favorites]
You are trying to get her to fit into your hierarchy (of the profession/roles) when it's you who needs to fit into the existing hierarchy (of the specific job).
I think she's being protective of her boss, to be honest - you're a new attorney, you're being groomed to take the boss's job - her attitude is that she is going to test you (as I imagine your boss is as well) to see whether you really stack up and so far you've not really demonstrated leadership ability.
"My boss has been on vacation for three weeks and left me in charge. The paralegal also went on vacation for a week, so I was by myself. A case that the paralegal was working on became a priority, and my boss emailed me to take it. So I did and I completed the work. As a professional courtesy, I emailed the paralegal with the email chain to tell her I was taking the case, as it was now assigned to me. "
So you did what you were told. Yeah, okay, that's fine - it's what most people would do if they were told by their boss to do something. But most people aren't being groomed for their boss's job. Your job is not just to do what your boss tells you to do - your job is to manage your relationships with the other people who you work with, including people who you don't like very much and people who may not be very happy with some of the decisions you make.
Think about how you could've handled the above situation better - did this work really need to be completed before the paralegal came back? Could you have negotiated with your boss, CCing in the paralegal, about not taking the whole thing off her?
In doing that, you could have also made yourself look like the good guy here (if your boss said no, you had to do it all now, then it's not your fault) rather than the one following orders (which just happened to put you at an advantage and the paralegal at a disadvantage).
"so I have to continue to learn everything she does on a day to day basis"
Yep, you're going to need to start thinking more carefully about how to manage multiple things (work and dynamics) more diplomatically.
posted by heyjude at 2:49 PM on September 4, 2016
I think she's being protective of her boss, to be honest - you're a new attorney, you're being groomed to take the boss's job - her attitude is that she is going to test you (as I imagine your boss is as well) to see whether you really stack up and so far you've not really demonstrated leadership ability.
"My boss has been on vacation for three weeks and left me in charge. The paralegal also went on vacation for a week, so I was by myself. A case that the paralegal was working on became a priority, and my boss emailed me to take it. So I did and I completed the work. As a professional courtesy, I emailed the paralegal with the email chain to tell her I was taking the case, as it was now assigned to me. "
So you did what you were told. Yeah, okay, that's fine - it's what most people would do if they were told by their boss to do something. But most people aren't being groomed for their boss's job. Your job is not just to do what your boss tells you to do - your job is to manage your relationships with the other people who you work with, including people who you don't like very much and people who may not be very happy with some of the decisions you make.
Think about how you could've handled the above situation better - did this work really need to be completed before the paralegal came back? Could you have negotiated with your boss, CCing in the paralegal, about not taking the whole thing off her?
In doing that, you could have also made yourself look like the good guy here (if your boss said no, you had to do it all now, then it's not your fault) rather than the one following orders (which just happened to put you at an advantage and the paralegal at a disadvantage).
"so I have to continue to learn everything she does on a day to day basis"
Yep, you're going to need to start thinking more carefully about how to manage multiple things (work and dynamics) more diplomatically.
posted by heyjude at 2:49 PM on September 4, 2016
Best answer: Oh man. Ladies in law firms. Be happy you're at a tiny firm where there aren't enough paralegals around for factions to form. It's been the most "fun" part of learning this new career for me.
You've got an opportunity here, in that this particular interaction is both fresh, AND unambiguously unprofessional on [Paralegal]'s part. Here's what you should do:
Print the email chain. Write up a list (for your eyes only) of other "situations" where you've been on the receiving end of bad behavior from this paralegal. Think about what kind of a relationship you want to have with [Paralegal]. Prepare one or two possible solutions. Set up a private meeting with your boss. The agenda for the meeting should be 1. Overall Problem, 2.) Evidence of acute problem, 3.) Solutions that you generated, 4.) Request for backing to implement solution(s) and any other advice/feedback you can give.
"Boss, I could use your advice for how to improve my relationship with [Paralegal]. I appreciate that she's been in this business much longer than I have, so I've been trying to learn how best to work with her. There have been a number of situations where I think I've done a bad job of communicating with her, and I'm trying to adjust, but I don't know what I could have done better in this case (hand over email).
In the small scale, I'd like to work with [Paralegal] to figure out a better way of communicating work assignments, normally I'd try to do that directly without bothering you with it, but in light of our current relationship, I'm not confident that that initiative would be taken well if it seems like it's coming from me.
Overall though, I would appreciate any feedback that you can give about the way that I interact with [Paralegal], she is so important to the firm and I don't want to be the cause of friction."
Do not talk about how much of a "bitch" she's been to you -- it's true, but it's not useful information. Do not talk about how she doesn't respect your "authority." Make it clear that you understand that working effectively with [Paralegal] is an important function of your job, and that you are willing to make whatever changes are necessary to make that happen.
As far as interacting with paralegal, at least for the time being: treat her like a judge. A mean, sexist, unfair judge in a small town that everyone hates but everyone has to be respectful of because it's his courtroom. Be professional, be willing to help, don't treat any request of hers as if it's beneath you (unless it really is). Never respond in anger/annoyance, and do your best not to show your anger/annoyance.
At the same time though, don't be obvious in your ass-kissing. I'm willing to bet that what you see as "treat[ing] her respectfully and as an equal" she is reading as condescension -- that's probably unfair on her part, but if she's the shoulda-got-a-JD type, she's probably got a chip on her shoulder about you already anyways.
In private, vent to non-colleague/clients as much as you need to about her. Draw a picture of her on a pillow and hang it up in your bedroom at home and punch it for 10 minutes before you leave the house, take her picture off of linkedin and stab holes in it with a pencil. Write mean poetry about her. She sounds like a horrible person, and I'm sorry you have to deal with her. But your boss is going to be the best one to know how to manage her appropriately.
posted by sparklemotion at 2:53 PM on September 4, 2016 [9 favorites]
You've got an opportunity here, in that this particular interaction is both fresh, AND unambiguously unprofessional on [Paralegal]'s part. Here's what you should do:
Print the email chain. Write up a list (for your eyes only) of other "situations" where you've been on the receiving end of bad behavior from this paralegal. Think about what kind of a relationship you want to have with [Paralegal]. Prepare one or two possible solutions. Set up a private meeting with your boss. The agenda for the meeting should be 1. Overall Problem, 2.) Evidence of acute problem, 3.) Solutions that you generated, 4.) Request for backing to implement solution(s) and any other advice/feedback you can give.
"Boss, I could use your advice for how to improve my relationship with [Paralegal]. I appreciate that she's been in this business much longer than I have, so I've been trying to learn how best to work with her. There have been a number of situations where I think I've done a bad job of communicating with her, and I'm trying to adjust, but I don't know what I could have done better in this case (hand over email).
In the small scale, I'd like to work with [Paralegal] to figure out a better way of communicating work assignments, normally I'd try to do that directly without bothering you with it, but in light of our current relationship, I'm not confident that that initiative would be taken well if it seems like it's coming from me.
Overall though, I would appreciate any feedback that you can give about the way that I interact with [Paralegal], she is so important to the firm and I don't want to be the cause of friction."
Do not talk about how much of a "bitch" she's been to you -- it's true, but it's not useful information. Do not talk about how she doesn't respect your "authority." Make it clear that you understand that working effectively with [Paralegal] is an important function of your job, and that you are willing to make whatever changes are necessary to make that happen.
As far as interacting with paralegal, at least for the time being: treat her like a judge. A mean, sexist, unfair judge in a small town that everyone hates but everyone has to be respectful of because it's his courtroom. Be professional, be willing to help, don't treat any request of hers as if it's beneath you (unless it really is). Never respond in anger/annoyance, and do your best not to show your anger/annoyance.
At the same time though, don't be obvious in your ass-kissing. I'm willing to bet that what you see as "treat[ing] her respectfully and as an equal" she is reading as condescension -- that's probably unfair on her part, but if she's the shoulda-got-a-JD type, she's probably got a chip on her shoulder about you already anyways.
In private, vent to non-colleague/clients as much as you need to about her. Draw a picture of her on a pillow and hang it up in your bedroom at home and punch it for 10 minutes before you leave the house, take her picture off of linkedin and stab holes in it with a pencil. Write mean poetry about her. She sounds like a horrible person, and I'm sorry you have to deal with her. But your boss is going to be the best one to know how to manage her appropriately.
posted by sparklemotion at 2:53 PM on September 4, 2016 [9 favorites]
Unfortunately, some nurses seem to express this frustration by setting out to prove that they are *better* than physicians, and that they should be able to do all the things physicians do -- for example although the physician's job is supposed to be to diagnose the patient and decide on the course of treatment, a nurse might undermine this by "misunderstanding" treatment orders that s/he does not agree with, and phoning multiple times in the middle of the night to "clarify" them.
give praise where you are genuinely able to do so, but do *not* praise someone when they are stepping into your role. Praise someone when they are doing fantastic work in their actual job
Yep.
posted by stoneandstar at 3:04 PM on September 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
give praise where you are genuinely able to do so, but do *not* praise someone when they are stepping into your role. Praise someone when they are doing fantastic work in their actual job
Yep.
posted by stoneandstar at 3:04 PM on September 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
Yikes, I think some of these responses have been super harsh, op, and I pretty ignorant about law firms. Chin up.
It sounds like you're at the beginning stages of your career? Sadly, working with mean people that don't respect you is a part of professional life. Learning to deal with it both emotionally and logistically now will serve you in good stead for many years to come, though it's worth noting that saying "fuck this shit" and leaving is also not an uncommon response when it's someone in your team.
I'm gonna disagree with a few posters here with my advice...
1) you don't have to respect someone, to treat them with respect. Indeed, I'm usually more careful with the people I *don't * respect to compensate for my bias. I'm super polite, super friendly etc. This isn't so they like me, or I like them, it's so we can have a professional working relationship and if things go wrong, I have a record I can be proud of.
2) withdraw, mentally if nothing else. You sound like a high achiever, you're used to working hard and getting results, and I think in your question some frustration, despair etc is coming through that this is your failure. Drop all that. Since people are just assholes dude, and it has nothing to do with you or how you work. If you can back off a bit, and not take it so personally, it will really reduce your stress levels. Whatsherface doesn't hate you, she hates the world and you're just part of it.
posted by smoke at 3:44 PM on September 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
It sounds like you're at the beginning stages of your career? Sadly, working with mean people that don't respect you is a part of professional life. Learning to deal with it both emotionally and logistically now will serve you in good stead for many years to come, though it's worth noting that saying "fuck this shit" and leaving is also not an uncommon response when it's someone in your team.
I'm gonna disagree with a few posters here with my advice...
1) you don't have to respect someone, to treat them with respect. Indeed, I'm usually more careful with the people I *don't * respect to compensate for my bias. I'm super polite, super friendly etc. This isn't so they like me, or I like them, it's so we can have a professional working relationship and if things go wrong, I have a record I can be proud of.
2) withdraw, mentally if nothing else. You sound like a high achiever, you're used to working hard and getting results, and I think in your question some frustration, despair etc is coming through that this is your failure. Drop all that. Since people are just assholes dude, and it has nothing to do with you or how you work. If you can back off a bit, and not take it so personally, it will really reduce your stress levels. Whatsherface doesn't hate you, she hates the world and you're just part of it.
posted by smoke at 3:44 PM on September 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
Sorry hit post too soon. Think of strategies you can use to help with those two things. Cc your boss on emails, do things to the letter. And also don't be afraid to bring it out in the open. In a meeting with your boss there, call it out and say, "Liliana, I get the sense you feel I don't respect you, or you're finding working with me a bit challenging. I really want us to have a great working relationship and Im sorry if you feel I'm making it harder for you. What are some specific things I can do to help us work together better? For example I know you felt I stole that case from you: I cced and sent you an email but would you prefer me to call you in the future? I want you to know I really value what you think and I'm learning so much from you. "
Get specific actions to follow, and then follow them. People like this often wilt when called out in this way, and you get a list of actions that you either do or don't, and they lose any defence if you're doing them.
Also don't be afraid to flatter, shamelessly. People like this often have fragile egos and the flattery will go a long way to making then feel safe and valued.
You want to have a good professional relationship, and that's your challenge. Forget about making them like our understand you.
Best of luck buddy, this sounds tough.
posted by smoke at 3:56 PM on September 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
Get specific actions to follow, and then follow them. People like this often wilt when called out in this way, and you get a list of actions that you either do or don't, and they lose any defence if you're doing them.
Also don't be afraid to flatter, shamelessly. People like this often have fragile egos and the flattery will go a long way to making then feel safe and valued.
You want to have a good professional relationship, and that's your challenge. Forget about making them like our understand you.
Best of luck buddy, this sounds tough.
posted by smoke at 3:56 PM on September 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'd take things on a case by case (ha ha) basis. For the incident described, I'd just say, or email if she's away for more than a week, " Hey boss, Clarissa was bummed I finished the Paxton issue." Then just let it go.
I'd also suggest you work out a way to have private conversation with your boss, even if only 15 min each week, where you can reference bthese issues.
All businesses are rife with turf issues.
posted by SemiSalt at 4:25 PM on September 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'd also suggest you work out a way to have private conversation with your boss, even if only 15 min each week, where you can reference bthese issues.
All businesses are rife with turf issues.
posted by SemiSalt at 4:25 PM on September 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
they have never acquired the middle class methods to deal with ordinary conflict
This sounds condescending and classist and it's a mindset that's not going to help you earn this woman's trust. Which, I'm assuming, you'd like to earn as much as you'd like to earn her respect, and as much as you'd like her to trust and respect you, yes?
- Go to her office and ask when a good time would be to sit down and clear the air. Genuinely approach her, in good faith, to talk, not to make accusations or suss out why she doesn't defer to you. Maybe even suggest having lunch or a coffee. If you must send an e-mail, don't make it sound as though you're just covering your ass, and don't assume a tone of reproachfulness or condescension. All this will do is antagonize her. You don't have to be a doormat but you do need to be respectful of her experience with your boss. She's not a lower or working class person who doesn't understand conflict resolution like people of your ilk; no. You have to work with each other, and your boss is watching how you handle this, believe me.
- If she's shitty to you or refuses to talk or feigns ignorance to what conflict you're referring, then ask your boss to call a meeting where all 3 of you discuss the specific issue of the files, and then define clear goals for the coming year. Don't turn it into a big therapy session or a grump session about how she doesn't respect your authority. If you allow it to turn into that, you will end up looking callow and dumb. As DarlingBri wisely - wisely - pointed out, you will want this to be about your boss helping facilitate a better working relationship with your paralegal by making it clear what support she provides you, what you each handle independently, and how files will be assigned going forward.
I was a paralegal for 7 years. Your boss does not want to mediate conflict. Your boss wants adults to iron out their differences. If you don't attempt to handle this with her and clarify your working relationship going forward, and establish a friendly, mutually respectful tone, your boss will more likely find a new associate, because it is muuuuuuch harder to replace a quality, seasoned, experienced, trusted support person of many, many years than it is to hire an eager, whipsmart, well-educated, ambitious attorney in the current market.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:14 PM on September 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
This sounds condescending and classist and it's a mindset that's not going to help you earn this woman's trust. Which, I'm assuming, you'd like to earn as much as you'd like to earn her respect, and as much as you'd like her to trust and respect you, yes?
- Go to her office and ask when a good time would be to sit down and clear the air. Genuinely approach her, in good faith, to talk, not to make accusations or suss out why she doesn't defer to you. Maybe even suggest having lunch or a coffee. If you must send an e-mail, don't make it sound as though you're just covering your ass, and don't assume a tone of reproachfulness or condescension. All this will do is antagonize her. You don't have to be a doormat but you do need to be respectful of her experience with your boss. She's not a lower or working class person who doesn't understand conflict resolution like people of your ilk; no. You have to work with each other, and your boss is watching how you handle this, believe me.
- If she's shitty to you or refuses to talk or feigns ignorance to what conflict you're referring, then ask your boss to call a meeting where all 3 of you discuss the specific issue of the files, and then define clear goals for the coming year. Don't turn it into a big therapy session or a grump session about how she doesn't respect your authority. If you allow it to turn into that, you will end up looking callow and dumb. As DarlingBri wisely - wisely - pointed out, you will want this to be about your boss helping facilitate a better working relationship with your paralegal by making it clear what support she provides you, what you each handle independently, and how files will be assigned going forward.
I was a paralegal for 7 years. Your boss does not want to mediate conflict. Your boss wants adults to iron out their differences. If you don't attempt to handle this with her and clarify your working relationship going forward, and establish a friendly, mutually respectful tone, your boss will more likely find a new associate, because it is muuuuuuch harder to replace a quality, seasoned, experienced, trusted support person of many, many years than it is to hire an eager, whipsmart, well-educated, ambitious attorney in the current market.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:14 PM on September 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
Snickerdoodle has it.
I've thought and thought and thought and thought this one through...
The only way I see to flip the dynamic is if you spend lots of time working on yourself and your feelings and reactions. Like, if you were to become entirely compassionate yet impervious. That's a tall order in close quarters with one person relentlessly out to get you, and the other blithely floating along.
I also think you need a new job. Actively looking will help you 1000% disengage from this (awful) woman as you shift your attention back to what's in your own best interests.
Wanna know what's going to give you a feeling of imperviousness when dealing with this paralegal? Better job offers and eventually accepting one of them.
I'm sorry to tell you this, truly, but there is little chance the opportunities you are being told exist at this firm actually exist. Everything can't be awesome + you're being attacked by or pitted against (or both?) the only other person in the firm besides you and the boss. This is a shitty experience, and with only three people in the dynamic, it is unchangeable unless you change yourself into Yoda or the Buddha.
Put yourself first. Find a new awesome job and walk away. This job is the equivalent of an emotional vampire, only the career version. Professionally, you can do much better.
posted by jbenben at 12:48 AM on September 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
I've thought and thought and thought and thought this one through...
The only way I see to flip the dynamic is if you spend lots of time working on yourself and your feelings and reactions. Like, if you were to become entirely compassionate yet impervious. That's a tall order in close quarters with one person relentlessly out to get you, and the other blithely floating along.
I also think you need a new job. Actively looking will help you 1000% disengage from this (awful) woman as you shift your attention back to what's in your own best interests.
Wanna know what's going to give you a feeling of imperviousness when dealing with this paralegal? Better job offers and eventually accepting one of them.
I'm sorry to tell you this, truly, but there is little chance the opportunities you are being told exist at this firm actually exist. Everything can't be awesome + you're being attacked by or pitted against (or both?) the only other person in the firm besides you and the boss. This is a shitty experience, and with only three people in the dynamic, it is unchangeable unless you change yourself into Yoda or the Buddha.
Put yourself first. Find a new awesome job and walk away. This job is the equivalent of an emotional vampire, only the career version. Professionally, you can do much better.
posted by jbenben at 12:48 AM on September 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't think your boss is intentionally pitting you against each other. This is all speculation, obviously, but if the behaviour is as obvious as you say, my guess is she's conflicted about drawing professional boundaries with someone she trusts (you say paralegal's been instrumental in keeping things going) and feels loyalty towards (and probably some kind of friendship, if they've been working together on a daily basis for years).
Professionals like lawyers and medical people don't get training in management, they're usually winging that side of things. Sometimes things can get murky on an emotional level, for women working with women... Like I've seen how some women (heading small offices) have a hard time establishing authority over employees they become close to over time, and feel torn between wanting to keep good relationships (and having operations run smoothly) and wielding sometimes necessary authority. Especially women who are reluctant bosses, i.e. professionals who are running their own shop because they want to do things their way, but would mostly rather just do their job than worry about managing employees, etc. I have heard from reluctant women bosses that bossing can be pretty lonely, and that it can be a relief if someone takes away some of that burden of stress. This paralegal is driven and keen, she's made herself essential. It may also be that she knows stuff your boss wouldn't like to get around, whether that's related to her personal life, inside stuff about particular history, or less than perfect operations... So maybe your boss is held by both trust and fear - of losing her wingwoman's essential support - or more than that, maybe she feels hamstrung. Maybe she's just uncomfortable with the idea of confronting her, given the (probable, on some level) friendship. Maybe she hopes things will just settle themselves over time, or doesn't want to believe this paralegal is capable of being jerky. [I think it's likely your boss is getting her best side, most of the time, in conversation, etc.])
Also, want to be clear - I'm not saying women can't be effective bosses! Just that some, in certain contexts - who are only self-employed out of necessity or opportunity - sometimes struggle with these kinds of boundary issues.
And of course, it may be that none of what I'm saying pertains at all.
But, have the conversation with her, as people are suggesting, and observe how she reacts. If she drags her feet on clarifying things and addressing the issue, this problem is probably going to persist for a while.
(And 2nd snickerdoodle and people on that line - whatever the paralegal's resentments are about, whether they're justified or not, she is not handling them in a productive way, and she probably is a threat to you, or would like to be.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:34 AM on September 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
Professionals like lawyers and medical people don't get training in management, they're usually winging that side of things. Sometimes things can get murky on an emotional level, for women working with women... Like I've seen how some women (heading small offices) have a hard time establishing authority over employees they become close to over time, and feel torn between wanting to keep good relationships (and having operations run smoothly) and wielding sometimes necessary authority. Especially women who are reluctant bosses, i.e. professionals who are running their own shop because they want to do things their way, but would mostly rather just do their job than worry about managing employees, etc. I have heard from reluctant women bosses that bossing can be pretty lonely, and that it can be a relief if someone takes away some of that burden of stress. This paralegal is driven and keen, she's made herself essential. It may also be that she knows stuff your boss wouldn't like to get around, whether that's related to her personal life, inside stuff about particular history, or less than perfect operations... So maybe your boss is held by both trust and fear - of losing her wingwoman's essential support - or more than that, maybe she feels hamstrung. Maybe she's just uncomfortable with the idea of confronting her, given the (probable, on some level) friendship. Maybe she hopes things will just settle themselves over time, or doesn't want to believe this paralegal is capable of being jerky. [I think it's likely your boss is getting her best side, most of the time, in conversation, etc.])
Also, want to be clear - I'm not saying women can't be effective bosses! Just that some, in certain contexts - who are only self-employed out of necessity or opportunity - sometimes struggle with these kinds of boundary issues.
And of course, it may be that none of what I'm saying pertains at all.
But, have the conversation with her, as people are suggesting, and observe how she reacts. If she drags her feet on clarifying things and addressing the issue, this problem is probably going to persist for a while.
(And 2nd snickerdoodle and people on that line - whatever the paralegal's resentments are about, whether they're justified or not, she is not handling them in a productive way, and she probably is a threat to you, or would like to be.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:34 AM on September 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
Quitting a job that pays well, includes hands-on mentoring, and offers generous benefits in the legal profession because of office politics and garden-variety resentments that could easily be remedied through better communication and oversight seems really silly. A law degree these days is no guarantee to practice law.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 9:49 AM on September 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by TryTheTilapia at 9:49 AM on September 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
In less than ten seconds I was able to discover what firm you work for, and that the paralegal you are referring to has the middle name of Ann. Considering you called her a bitch (which is shockingly unprofessional), you might want to have this question deleted before someone else sees it and reports it to your boss. The legal world is incredibly, incredibly small. I get that you are frustrated, but a public forum that traces back to both of you is really not the place to be hashing this out.
posted by saucysault at 12:19 PM on September 5, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 12:19 PM on September 5, 2016 [4 favorites]
Surprised more people haven't pointed out what kitten magic did. Unless I'm reading it wrong, Case XYZ needed attention while Boss and Paralegal were out, so Boss asked you to handle it. (Normal; happens all the time.) You understood this to mean Case XYZ is yours now. (Not normal, and would annoy me too.)
Not saying her reaction was appropriate -- it was not -- but I wonder if there is a pattern of you making such assumptions and then bristling when she doesn't respect your "authority" that is causing her resentment.
(10-year paralegal here, for what it's worth.)
posted by leeloo minai at 12:57 PM on September 5, 2016 [4 favorites]
Not saying her reaction was appropriate -- it was not -- but I wonder if there is a pattern of you making such assumptions and then bristling when she doesn't respect your "authority" that is causing her resentment.
(10-year paralegal here, for what it's worth.)
posted by leeloo minai at 12:57 PM on September 5, 2016 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Could you sit down together with a third-party mediator to talk this through? My go-to would be your boss but that would put her in a difficult situation of potentially having to pick sides. She's be a good person to have as part of this but someone who is unrelated would surely be ideal.
Could you start by sitting down with the two of them over a light breakfast on Monday and start by saying you've noticed the work environment to be overall good but a little strained. And that you'd like to have a talk with both of them sometime to hear everyone's perspectives and find a solution together for an improved climate. If they want to discuss it immediately, you can say that you have felt a bit snubbed and can imagine she's felt that way about you, too, however unintentional.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:01 AM on September 4, 2016