To meet or not to meet? (Broken relationship edition)
August 22, 2016 5:13 AM Subscribe
I have a very ugly, troubled relationship history with "Carol." Recently she quite unexpectedly asked to meet for lunch. I do not know what to do.
The invitation (over IM) last week shocked me, because other than a few, *extremely superficial* social media interactions, I have had zero contact since the breakage occurred (nearly a year ago). This was the relationship equivalent of the Hindenburg hitting the ground. Everything broken, lost, damaged, etc. and I was quite simply, wrecked. For a long time. I'm still recovering, despite not wanting to admit it.
By nature, I struggle with "why" and want closure. That affected me strongly for a long time, and played out in multiple negative ways across all areas my my life. But eventually I came to realize there was no value in attempting any resolution, because some people are simply toxic. What I wanted would never happen. To protect myself, I shut Carol out. She hid behind social media and never once tried to reach out in any real, authentic manner.
I am still triggered occasionally (effing social media again, which I have taken even more steps to limit in the intervening timeframe). Those instances tell me that the capacity for intense pain is still there. So I cannot envision a universe in which I would ever benefit from any degree of reconnection or "friendship" with Carol. To me, what lies between us is a very wide swath of very scorched earth.
So this lunch question is seriously stressing me out. The old desire for WHY? rears its head like the well-known scene in "Alien". That intense, all-encompassing need for closure and understanding that is deeply ingrained in my psyche still longs to be sated.
On the other hand, I know who she is. In my experience, a rampant narcissist with zero consideration for others.
Some I have confided in about it say, "Don't go. Why re-open old wounds? Why set yourself up for more pain and suffering? You deserve far better."
Others say, "Maybe she's changed? There is always a chance. Be the better person. See what she has to say, and maybe there is a possibility of something positive emerging from the wreckage. Look for a greater good."
Proponents of the former share my innate preference for the emotional door-slam. Because I am so averse to the latter, I wonder whether I am ignoring what could be a better choice? It's happened before. My gut can, and has, led me away from opportunities that in hindsight I wish I had taken. But I see no greater good, and don't know what one might even be, in this situation.
It's tomorrow, and I really still have no idea what to do. I have had nightmares over this, if you can believe it.
Please advise me from your own experience. Memail is fine if that may help.
The invitation (over IM) last week shocked me, because other than a few, *extremely superficial* social media interactions, I have had zero contact since the breakage occurred (nearly a year ago). This was the relationship equivalent of the Hindenburg hitting the ground. Everything broken, lost, damaged, etc. and I was quite simply, wrecked. For a long time. I'm still recovering, despite not wanting to admit it.
By nature, I struggle with "why" and want closure. That affected me strongly for a long time, and played out in multiple negative ways across all areas my my life. But eventually I came to realize there was no value in attempting any resolution, because some people are simply toxic. What I wanted would never happen. To protect myself, I shut Carol out. She hid behind social media and never once tried to reach out in any real, authentic manner.
I am still triggered occasionally (effing social media again, which I have taken even more steps to limit in the intervening timeframe). Those instances tell me that the capacity for intense pain is still there. So I cannot envision a universe in which I would ever benefit from any degree of reconnection or "friendship" with Carol. To me, what lies between us is a very wide swath of very scorched earth.
So this lunch question is seriously stressing me out. The old desire for WHY? rears its head like the well-known scene in "Alien". That intense, all-encompassing need for closure and understanding that is deeply ingrained in my psyche still longs to be sated.
On the other hand, I know who she is. In my experience, a rampant narcissist with zero consideration for others.
Some I have confided in about it say, "Don't go. Why re-open old wounds? Why set yourself up for more pain and suffering? You deserve far better."
Others say, "Maybe she's changed? There is always a chance. Be the better person. See what she has to say, and maybe there is a possibility of something positive emerging from the wreckage. Look for a greater good."
Proponents of the former share my innate preference for the emotional door-slam. Because I am so averse to the latter, I wonder whether I am ignoring what could be a better choice? It's happened before. My gut can, and has, led me away from opportunities that in hindsight I wish I had taken. But I see no greater good, and don't know what one might even be, in this situation.
It's tomorrow, and I really still have no idea what to do. I have had nightmares over this, if you can believe it.
Please advise me from your own experience. Memail is fine if that may help.
Been there. Done that. Don't go. She hasn't changed and neither have you. You've just healed a lot. You're still you. Probably still incredibly vulnerable to her psychic injuries.
She'll hurt you and you'll dwell on it again. Just tell her you're not interested but wish her well. Then BLOCK her forever. For me that was the only way...or it was a scab I kept picking, or allowing my ex to pick.
posted by taff at 5:21 AM on August 22, 2016 [8 favorites]
She'll hurt you and you'll dwell on it again. Just tell her you're not interested but wish her well. Then BLOCK her forever. For me that was the only way...or it was a scab I kept picking, or allowing my ex to pick.
posted by taff at 5:21 AM on August 22, 2016 [8 favorites]
If you decide to meet can you arrange a "decompression" meeting with another trusted friend immediately after? First to decompress, and also to have a scheduled get away excuse.
But I agree with plep.
posted by sammyo at 5:22 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
But I agree with plep.
posted by sammyo at 5:22 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: This exact situation happened to me. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Former friend/colleague and I had a Hindenberg-level crash after she did something utterly beyond the pale, and I went no contact. Thinking she'd changed, I tried lunch a few months later with her; she still had "no idea" why I'd ended it and wanted to relitigate the whole thing. She grew increasingly blame-y and upset that I was holding firm that what she'd done was a great justification, actually, for not remaining friends. She shouted; I left cash on the table and walked out. I called the restaurant the next day to apologise.
I remained out of this person's way for a full year before they left town - tricky because we worked in the same office and had 90% of the same friend group! - and refused or ignored her further suggestions to meet and "clear the air". It was awful.
She is gone now and I am *still exhaling*. I think, routinely, "Wow, she isn't here. I can walk to that side of the office without thinking about her."
Don't go. Block, move on, and maybe consider therapy; I would absolutely go if I had the money.
posted by mdonley at 5:25 AM on August 22, 2016 [16 favorites]
Former friend/colleague and I had a Hindenberg-level crash after she did something utterly beyond the pale, and I went no contact. Thinking she'd changed, I tried lunch a few months later with her; she still had "no idea" why I'd ended it and wanted to relitigate the whole thing. She grew increasingly blame-y and upset that I was holding firm that what she'd done was a great justification, actually, for not remaining friends. She shouted; I left cash on the table and walked out. I called the restaurant the next day to apologise.
I remained out of this person's way for a full year before they left town - tricky because we worked in the same office and had 90% of the same friend group! - and refused or ignored her further suggestions to meet and "clear the air". It was awful.
She is gone now and I am *still exhaling*. I think, routinely, "Wow, she isn't here. I can walk to that side of the office without thinking about her."
Don't go. Block, move on, and maybe consider therapy; I would absolutely go if I had the money.
posted by mdonley at 5:25 AM on August 22, 2016 [16 favorites]
I promise you that there is no possibility of something positive emerging from the wreckage. Be the better person, but to yourself.
posted by frantumaglia at 5:27 AM on August 22, 2016 [38 favorites]
posted by frantumaglia at 5:27 AM on August 22, 2016 [38 favorites]
To protect myself, I shut Carol out.
You made it through the endurance course of "why" because you were wise enough to do this. You can make it through again.
posted by headnsouth at 5:30 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
You made it through the endurance course of "why" because you were wise enough to do this. You can make it through again.
posted by headnsouth at 5:30 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Your friends who are suggesting "maybe she's changed" do not have your best interest at heart. Narcissists don't change. While you won't have the possibility of receiving a "why" by ignoring her lunch request, you do gain strength by setting a boundary and essentially letting her know there is no room for her and her narcissism in your life.
posted by cecic at 5:32 AM on August 22, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by cecic at 5:32 AM on August 22, 2016 [9 favorites]
My gut can, and has, led me away from opportunities that in hindsight I wish I had taken.
Look for something to say yes to that doesn't involve having lunch with a narcissist. Bungee jumping, skydiving, going on a date with someone new, booking a trip, learning a language. Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 5:34 AM on August 22, 2016 [11 favorites]
Look for something to say yes to that doesn't involve having lunch with a narcissist. Bungee jumping, skydiving, going on a date with someone new, booking a trip, learning a language. Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 5:34 AM on August 22, 2016 [11 favorites]
you seem to be placing all or most (although I didn't read that you see any role in the big breakup event) it maybe helpful for you to just go with the intention of listening to her explanation of what happened, prompt her with non inflammatory but direct questions, and see what she says. If she's as awful and dense as you indicate, that will be made clear and you can leave with less mental energy being wasted on her. Provide no feedback or arguments, just listen. If she is 100% to blame, at least you will gain a lot of insight into the "why's" that this type of heartless person does this sort of thing. You don't have to have any feelings about her or her responses, but you may get some answers that confirm your beliefs, which will alleviate your anxiety about being around her. Your admission of anxiety is telling you something is disconnected between your thoughts and feelings, so you need to align that.. She can either dig her own grave or, on the other hand, help you to understand that you may have played a role, unbeknownst to you, you weren't your best self at that time, and that would be very therapeutic for you to gain some insight into your own behavior. Since you have such an extreme level of anxiety, I think continuing on in avoiding her but thinking about her as you have is not going to help you. To gain some resolution and work on your social and mental clarity skills, go meet her with the knowledge you make boundaries and can disconnected t from her opinion and behavior. Look at it as an opportunity to work through your own issues or responsibility with this, which has ultimately zero to do with her.
posted by waving at 5:45 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by waving at 5:45 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I cannot envision a universe in which I would ever benefit from any degree of reconnection or "friendship" with Carol.
So why would you even consider meeting with her?
I know who she is. In my experience, a rampant narcissist with zero consideration for others.
This is the "why" you are searching for. That is why your relationship with her blew up.
The answers you seek are right here in your own words. Listen to yourself. Don't go.
posted by Kangaroo at 5:46 AM on August 22, 2016 [15 favorites]
So why would you even consider meeting with her?
I know who she is. In my experience, a rampant narcissist with zero consideration for others.
This is the "why" you are searching for. That is why your relationship with her blew up.
The answers you seek are right here in your own words. Listen to yourself. Don't go.
posted by Kangaroo at 5:46 AM on August 22, 2016 [15 favorites]
MAYBE her intention with this lunch is to explain why (probably not). If so, MAYBE it will be an explanation you find credible (more probably not) and reasonable (very probably not). And even if all those increasingly unlikely things come to pass, only maybe will the explanation give you any comfort at all.
And in no case will it give you "closure," because that is mostly just a word we use to describe whether or not we are over something, and you getting over this will never come from Carol.
Don't go. Keep living your life. Closure will come from that, not from some lunch. That's this stranger on the internet's opinion, anyway.
posted by solotoro at 5:48 AM on August 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
And in no case will it give you "closure," because that is mostly just a word we use to describe whether or not we are over something, and you getting over this will never come from Carol.
Don't go. Keep living your life. Closure will come from that, not from some lunch. That's this stranger on the internet's opinion, anyway.
posted by solotoro at 5:48 AM on August 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: As I re-read my question I think one thing I didn't add was:
Even when "healthy" breaks in relationships occur, when such deep closeness, intimacy etc. is followed by... nothingness, what can ever seem real?
What level of "relationship-lite" that may follow such a situation can ever seem like anything other than the pale, weak, copy-of-a-copy that it is?
That's part of it, for me, pain and suffering aside. I'm insulted by the premise that anything that may be attempted now can ever legitimately exist in the shadow of what was. When we had that, how can you ever presume that I would accept this?
That reaction has emerged more recently and just compounds the built-up stuff that was already there. :-/
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 5:49 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Even when "healthy" breaks in relationships occur, when such deep closeness, intimacy etc. is followed by... nothingness, what can ever seem real?
What level of "relationship-lite" that may follow such a situation can ever seem like anything other than the pale, weak, copy-of-a-copy that it is?
That's part of it, for me, pain and suffering aside. I'm insulted by the premise that anything that may be attempted now can ever legitimately exist in the shadow of what was. When we had that, how can you ever presume that I would accept this?
That reaction has emerged more recently and just compounds the built-up stuff that was already there. :-/
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 5:49 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Look, you know what this person is like. She hasn't changed. If you think your ability to cope with her when she starts again is better than before, sure, consider meeting her. But the fact you have massive anxiety tells me no. So, neither of you have changed. You have done so well setting up your boundary, now you just have to maintain it. Decline the meeting.
posted by Jubey at 5:51 AM on August 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 5:51 AM on August 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
NO, DON'T GO! RUN!!
First, cancel right now. No excuse, just cancel. Then, go to a spa or the beach or a video arcade or go see a movie in a swanky movie theater in town. Go to a meditation class or attend a religious something or other, maybe go to a museum you haven't been to... Do something interesting and NEW.
The idea that you need to "be the bigger person" is entirely a load of crap. This person can only learn from their own actions and choices, not from yours. You will reopen old wounds and gain little or nothing. People hurt others because they are either clueless or damaged themselves - or both. There. I sorted it out for you. That's it. Keep moving. You can't cure either of those things in another person.
Lastly....
When you get older you realize "closure" doesn't really exist, instead, as you gain life experience your perspective on the past changes. That's closure. So if you want to do the right thing by yourself and this person tomorrow:
"I can't meet up tomorrow. I wish you well in life but I don't want to continue a connection with you. Thanks for reaching out. Be well."
Spend some time thinking nice thoughts about this person/genuinely wish them well. Henceforth try not to think meanly about them. It's OK to see where you missed red flags, but try to keep that part of your ruminations clinical and impersonal.
Wishing that person well in life IS closure. That's letting go. And you don't need to see them again to do this.
posted by jbenben at 5:57 AM on August 22, 2016 [36 favorites]
First, cancel right now. No excuse, just cancel. Then, go to a spa or the beach or a video arcade or go see a movie in a swanky movie theater in town. Go to a meditation class or attend a religious something or other, maybe go to a museum you haven't been to... Do something interesting and NEW.
The idea that you need to "be the bigger person" is entirely a load of crap. This person can only learn from their own actions and choices, not from yours. You will reopen old wounds and gain little or nothing. People hurt others because they are either clueless or damaged themselves - or both. There. I sorted it out for you. That's it. Keep moving. You can't cure either of those things in another person.
Lastly....
When you get older you realize "closure" doesn't really exist, instead, as you gain life experience your perspective on the past changes. That's closure. So if you want to do the right thing by yourself and this person tomorrow:
"I can't meet up tomorrow. I wish you well in life but I don't want to continue a connection with you. Thanks for reaching out. Be well."
Spend some time thinking nice thoughts about this person/genuinely wish them well. Henceforth try not to think meanly about them. It's OK to see where you missed red flags, but try to keep that part of your ruminations clinical and impersonal.
Wishing that person well in life IS closure. That's letting go. And you don't need to see them again to do this.
posted by jbenben at 5:57 AM on August 22, 2016 [36 favorites]
The only reason to go to something like this is if you want to. It sounds like you don't want to. So don't go.
If you feel differently in the future, you can re-establish contact then.
posted by Anonymous at 6:00 AM on August 22, 2016
If you feel differently in the future, you can re-establish contact then.
posted by Anonymous at 6:00 AM on August 22, 2016
We confuse relationships with courts of law. The legal system is required to strive for fairness, rehabilitation, justice, etc.
In relationships, the hours of your life are limited. Don't invest any more in this one.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:00 AM on August 22, 2016 [27 favorites]
In relationships, the hours of your life are limited. Don't invest any more in this one.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:00 AM on August 22, 2016 [27 favorites]
I remember that you asked a while back about resolution/closure to this relationship. You really wanted some type of wrapping it up discussion and wanted input about that; the general consensus was to leave it alone.
Leave it alone. There's a fair amount of dramatic language in your question; scorched earth, everything lost, wrecked, Hindenburg type disaster.
Step away, don't meet this person. You think they're hiding behind social media as they scorched the earth around you which strikes me as a bit extreme. Let it go. I don't want you to feel like I'm ragging on you, but I don't think this is over for you by a long shot and you want to meet this person so you can open up a can of worms and feel better. You will not feel better.
Don't do it and try to deal with needing closure.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:05 AM on August 22, 2016 [7 favorites]
Leave it alone. There's a fair amount of dramatic language in your question; scorched earth, everything lost, wrecked, Hindenburg type disaster.
Step away, don't meet this person. You think they're hiding behind social media as they scorched the earth around you which strikes me as a bit extreme. Let it go. I don't want you to feel like I'm ragging on you, but I don't think this is over for you by a long shot and you want to meet this person so you can open up a can of worms and feel better. You will not feel better.
Don't do it and try to deal with needing closure.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:05 AM on August 22, 2016 [7 favorites]
If she has changed, she'll have the insight to understand from your polite and neutral refusal to go to lunch that the relationship can't be repaired and that the kindest thing is to stop contacting you while wishing you well. But she hasn't changed, so don't worry about it, and definitely don't have lunch.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 6:07 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Snarl Furillo at 6:07 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Let's be super optimistic and assume that she has changed - the loss of your friendship was a huge wake-up call, she's started going to therapy, she's genuinely sorry, etc. You still don't need to go to lunch with her! She could do a total personality 180 - you could see her on the news in five years connecting homeless youth with housing and kittens - and you still wouldn't have to have lunch with her.
Fixing a personality failing doesn't get someone the right to all their old friendships back. If this really is New Carol, she knows that. Sometimes you've totally burned that bridge and you just have to accept the fact, painful as it may be.
I differ from most people in that I believe that people do change given the chance and the will. But I still don't think - even if this is New Carol and not just Old Carol back in town to even the score - that you need to have lunch with her.
posted by Frowner at 6:08 AM on August 22, 2016 [18 favorites]
Fixing a personality failing doesn't get someone the right to all their old friendships back. If this really is New Carol, she knows that. Sometimes you've totally burned that bridge and you just have to accept the fact, painful as it may be.
I differ from most people in that I believe that people do change given the chance and the will. But I still don't think - even if this is New Carol and not just Old Carol back in town to even the score - that you need to have lunch with her.
posted by Frowner at 6:08 AM on August 22, 2016 [18 favorites]
Don't go. Nothing stopping you from reachin out to her in the future if you decide you want to. You can say this in your message if you want. "Thanks for reaching out. I'm not open to contact with you. If that changes-- which feels unlikely-- I'll let you know. In the meantime do not contact me."
posted by ramenopres at 6:10 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by ramenopres at 6:10 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
i have an ex that has me blocked on facebook but still occasionally reaches out (like once every year or two) via email or facebook. i finally responded to an email after five years in the hopes that things could be friendly. it took at most one or two more emails for it to be clear that it couldn't.
posted by noloveforned at 6:14 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by noloveforned at 6:14 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
You want closure? We all urge you close the door without letting any further pain come through it. This person is uranium, best to keep a clear distance for a few thousand years, at the least.
posted by dbiedny at 6:17 AM on August 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by dbiedny at 6:17 AM on August 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
Carol has nothing to offer you, and certainly not closure. And you don't owe her diddly squat. Going to meet her does not in any way make you the better person.
Your nightmares are your smart inner animal, that knows what's good for it and what's not; it's saying 'Please don't make me meet Carol. I don't like Carol. She doesn't treat me well.'
I think you should listen.
I cannot envision a universe in which I would ever benefit from any degree of reconnection or "friendship" with Carol.
Well then. You already know what to do.
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:20 AM on August 22, 2016 [7 favorites]
Your nightmares are your smart inner animal, that knows what's good for it and what's not; it's saying 'Please don't make me meet Carol. I don't like Carol. She doesn't treat me well.'
I think you should listen.
I cannot envision a universe in which I would ever benefit from any degree of reconnection or "friendship" with Carol.
Well then. You already know what to do.
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:20 AM on August 22, 2016 [7 favorites]
I don't think this is over for you by a long shot and you want to meet this person so you can open up a can of worms and feel better. You will not feel better.
Yep, agree with all this. If there' a future where you are in a place where this is not a raw and open wound, then maybe consider it. For now, I'd leave it alone.
posted by jessamyn at 6:20 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yep, agree with all this. If there' a future where you are in a place where this is not a raw and open wound, then maybe consider it. For now, I'd leave it alone.
posted by jessamyn at 6:20 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
There is no possible upside to this meeting. The only reason you cite is to find out why. Then, you tell us why. I know who she is. In my experience, a rampant narcissist with zero consideration for others.
This is who you are considering meeting with? If you have to contact her back with a response, write, "Unsubscribe" and never look back.
posted by AugustWest at 6:28 AM on August 22, 2016
This is who you are considering meeting with? If you have to contact her back with a response, write, "Unsubscribe" and never look back.
posted by AugustWest at 6:28 AM on August 22, 2016
Best answer: Even when "healthy" breaks in relationships occur, when such deep closeness, intimacy etc. is followed by... nothingness, what can ever seem real?
Seeing her is not going to answer that question, or any of the others in your follow-up.
You want to see her because the person who has caused your pain seems like the person who has the power to end your pain. By apologizing and explaining that it's all been a big mistake and really they love you and want to be together and then everything would be perfect and they wouldn't do anything of the hurtful things they used to do.
That's not going to happen though.
posted by bunderful at 6:43 AM on August 22, 2016 [17 favorites]
Seeing her is not going to answer that question, or any of the others in your follow-up.
You want to see her because the person who has caused your pain seems like the person who has the power to end your pain. By apologizing and explaining that it's all been a big mistake and really they love you and want to be together and then everything would be perfect and they wouldn't do anything of the hurtful things they used to do.
That's not going to happen though.
posted by bunderful at 6:43 AM on August 22, 2016 [17 favorites]
Others say, "Maybe she's changed? There is always a chance. Be the better person. See what she has to say, and maybe there is a possibility of something positive emerging from the wreckage. Look for a greater good."
If others are so piously sure there's a greater good waiting to be found, others can fucking go and have lunch with her.
You're done and that's perfectly OK.
posted by flabdablet at 6:47 AM on August 22, 2016 [11 favorites]
If others are so piously sure there's a greater good waiting to be found, others can fucking go and have lunch with her.
You're done and that's perfectly OK.
posted by flabdablet at 6:47 AM on August 22, 2016 [11 favorites]
Seriously now, who cares what people who weren't hurt by her and won't be the ones holding the emotional bag after this lunch, think about you going to meet her?
The very fact that you're this wound up about accepting the invitation shows that you are nowhere near ready to be in touch with this person. Say "sorry, can't make it, best wishes" - in an email or text - and don't engage anymore with her or about her.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:56 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
The very fact that you're this wound up about accepting the invitation shows that you are nowhere near ready to be in touch with this person. Say "sorry, can't make it, best wishes" - in an email or text - and don't engage anymore with her or about her.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:56 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm basically friendly with my exes in general, but the reason that's possible is that they were all fairly low-key relationships that ended in a civil, reasonable way. The only person where we broke up super-dramatically is the only one that I'm not in touch with. This is not a coincidence.
Reading over your question, it seems like you really don't want to have lunch, and you know what? That's a good enough reason. It doesn't matter what Carol wants in this situation. You're not ready. Your gut is telling you something.
For further reading, if you're interested: Captain Awkward has a lot of insight into what she calls the Darth Vader Boyfriend (or in your case, girlfriend) which you might find helpful.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 7:04 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Reading over your question, it seems like you really don't want to have lunch, and you know what? That's a good enough reason. It doesn't matter what Carol wants in this situation. You're not ready. Your gut is telling you something.
For further reading, if you're interested: Captain Awkward has a lot of insight into what she calls the Darth Vader Boyfriend (or in your case, girlfriend) which you might find helpful.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 7:04 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you really want to be the bigger person, choose the option that's guaranteed not to cause either of you any more pain and don't meet her.
posted by Jubey at 7:04 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 7:04 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
The WHY is that she's a narcissist. There is nothing you can do about that. You should not be friends with someone who hurts you. She will never change.
I think you can gain some closure by reading about narcissists and how they operate, probably. Closure is not something you gain from others-- it's something you brew up yourself by accepting the situation as it is and moving on with your life.
posted by blnkfrnk at 7:36 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think you can gain some closure by reading about narcissists and how they operate, probably. Closure is not something you gain from others-- it's something you brew up yourself by accepting the situation as it is and moving on with your life.
posted by blnkfrnk at 7:36 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Whatever it is that you want to get out of this, you are not going to get it.
posted by slkinsey at 7:36 AM on August 22, 2016
posted by slkinsey at 7:36 AM on August 22, 2016
If you need to cancel after already scheduling with her: "Something came up" is true (your decision that meeting her isn't part of your healing plan came up), brief, and can't be (reasonably) contested.
Or something along the lines of, "After thinking more about this I decided I have no interest in meeting with you or having any contact with you. Don't contact me again. Your contact is unwelcome."
Re: your response: all that may be an issue for you to deal with, but it's not the main issue now. I suggest asking that as a separate question here on AskMefi! Personally, I think you can find a different kind of connection after breaking up. But not if, as in your case, even the concept is abhorrent to you. It depends on both people having grace and openness and not being awful to each other. And maybe some people just won't ever want to do it. There's no right or wrong way to feel about it. Regardless, this isn't the relationship to try to find out with. This one is gone. Listen to yourself and find your own closure.
posted by ramenopres at 7:38 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Or something along the lines of, "After thinking more about this I decided I have no interest in meeting with you or having any contact with you. Don't contact me again. Your contact is unwelcome."
Re: your response: all that may be an issue for you to deal with, but it's not the main issue now. I suggest asking that as a separate question here on AskMefi! Personally, I think you can find a different kind of connection after breaking up. But not if, as in your case, even the concept is abhorrent to you. It depends on both people having grace and openness and not being awful to each other. And maybe some people just won't ever want to do it. There's no right or wrong way to feel about it. Regardless, this isn't the relationship to try to find out with. This one is gone. Listen to yourself and find your own closure.
posted by ramenopres at 7:38 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
You don't want to go, right? Don't go. Why in the world would you go? I mean, who cares if she's changed? You don't have to be friends with all the people in the world.
posted by something something at 7:46 AM on August 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by something something at 7:46 AM on August 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
I had an elaborate response, however, having dealt with my share of narcissists, I simply have to say "nah, fuck that."
posted by Young Kullervo at 7:48 AM on August 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Young Kullervo at 7:48 AM on August 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
I don't believe in "closure." I think that things end well or badly, but we make our own sense of what it all means. Searching for closure that is almost guaranteed to make you sad and upset isn't going to help you at all, I think. Decline the invitation and block her from your life.
posted by xingcat at 7:49 AM on August 22, 2016
posted by xingcat at 7:49 AM on August 22, 2016
Best answer: Yeah, this relationship is burned out and picking over the ashes isn't going to uncover anything (not after 1 year anyway, maybe in a decade). The answer to this question is a default no, and you don't have anything that justifies a yes.
If she needed to tell you something truly dire - she's dying, she has a health issue that has implications for you, she's being targeted by assassins and your safety is compromised, she got sober and is making amends - she could have just told you or asked to call you. Lunch isn't really for those things.
All the closure you could get is obtainable from yourself without her. It doesn't matter if she's changed; good for her and all but it doesn't undo anything as far as you are concerned. She has no "why" to offer you that isn't heavily agendized.
Make your own peace, you don't need her for that.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:51 AM on August 22, 2016 [7 favorites]
If she needed to tell you something truly dire - she's dying, she has a health issue that has implications for you, she's being targeted by assassins and your safety is compromised, she got sober and is making amends - she could have just told you or asked to call you. Lunch isn't really for those things.
All the closure you could get is obtainable from yourself without her. It doesn't matter if she's changed; good for her and all but it doesn't undo anything as far as you are concerned. She has no "why" to offer you that isn't heavily agendized.
Make your own peace, you don't need her for that.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:51 AM on August 22, 2016 [7 favorites]
I'm with Frowner upthread. But I think I'll go further.
posted by adamrice at 7:54 AM on August 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
- Sometimes we make mistakes that we can't recover from. That's something we just need to accept in life. If we regard Carol's treatment of you as a mistake, maybe that's just something she'll need to live with.
- If Carol really has turned over a new leaf, she should realize that she hurt you, and that the onus is on her to do the work to regain your trust, and the right way to do this is not by popping up out of the blue to invite you for lunch. If she really wanted to do it right, she'd be talking to your mutual acquaintances so that she could get a read on whether reconnecting with you is a good idea and to show them that she's changed, to lay the groundwork for reconnecting.
posted by adamrice at 7:54 AM on August 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
Carol has been seeing a therapist lately, and has made progress on understanding the patterns in her life. She is now ready to confront you about the abuse you inflicted on her during the relationship. She needs you to apologize for the the emotional brutality, your selfishness, the many hurtful things you deliberately said to damage her self esteem. To gain closure and be able to move on she needs you to acknowledge that you are an abuser who took advantage of her, that the intimate relationship she had with you was basically non-consensual, how you chose to exploit her, knowing that she was vulnerable to your manipulation, and how you used intimidation to keep her in the relationship, because you simmering low level anger had her too frightened to leave. Carol can tell you the why that you are seeking for. It's because you are a toxic person.
Oh, and she'd also like to get back together again because you are the love of her life.
....I'm just guessing, but if she has a lot of narcissistic tendencies she wants to bend your reality to match hers, and the script is going to go much like the one I wrote for you above.
The people who are advising you to meet with her are people who have no experience with narcissists and believe that your break up was based on a few silly misunderstandings and some basic incompatablity. They figure that the answer to it all is that you are a morning person and she is a night owl, but you are both basically good people. But if you were both basically good people it would not have been so painful.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:03 AM on August 22, 2016 [19 favorites]
Oh, and she'd also like to get back together again because you are the love of her life.
....I'm just guessing, but if she has a lot of narcissistic tendencies she wants to bend your reality to match hers, and the script is going to go much like the one I wrote for you above.
The people who are advising you to meet with her are people who have no experience with narcissists and believe that your break up was based on a few silly misunderstandings and some basic incompatablity. They figure that the answer to it all is that you are a morning person and she is a night owl, but you are both basically good people. But if you were both basically good people it would not have been so painful.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:03 AM on August 22, 2016 [19 favorites]
I have had nightmares over this
Because connecting with her again is a bad idea. Listen to what you're telling yourself.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 8:04 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Because connecting with her again is a bad idea. Listen to what you're telling yourself.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 8:04 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Don't open that can of worms. Go ahead and leave that can of worms closed.
I can tell you what's in there.
Worms. It says right on the label.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 8:11 AM on August 22, 2016 [24 favorites]
I can tell you what's in there.
Worms. It says right on the label.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 8:11 AM on August 22, 2016 [24 favorites]
She wants to gloat. She suspects she still has an effect on you (which it's obvious she does, as you're not over it yet), and wants to make sure so she can feel good about it. Don't go. Better yet, stand her up. Send a text message about 20 minutes after time that says "BTW I'm not coming. Bye."
posted by MovableBookLady at 8:14 AM on August 22, 2016
posted by MovableBookLady at 8:14 AM on August 22, 2016
I_Love_Bananas, please listen to the overwhelming consensus here. You know you should cancel the lunch date. Listen to your gut. But, if you can't trust it for whatever reason, then listen to all of us and trust that we have your best interest in mind.
posted by bologna on wry at 8:16 AM on August 22, 2016
posted by bologna on wry at 8:16 AM on August 22, 2016
I would pay attention to the overwhelming consensus here.
But if you really want to test the waters -- tell Carol you are not comfortable with meeting for lunch. Tell her you are willing to meet over the phone and hear what she has to say. Tell her you have doubts about the viability of this friendship and the prospect of an in-person meeting causes you too much stress. Do not apologize for changing plans. State a time limit for the phone call. "I have 20 minutes at lunchtime." Never give a narcissist an open-ended appointment.
If Carol objects to meeting on the phone, if she tries to twist your words, if she tries to convince you that you are mistaken, over-sensitive, too dramatic, you'll know it's time to end contact with her.
If she's really changed, she will, at the very least, be willing to LISTEN to you, and accommodate some of your needs.
posted by valannc at 8:37 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
But if you really want to test the waters -- tell Carol you are not comfortable with meeting for lunch. Tell her you are willing to meet over the phone and hear what she has to say. Tell her you have doubts about the viability of this friendship and the prospect of an in-person meeting causes you too much stress. Do not apologize for changing plans. State a time limit for the phone call. "I have 20 minutes at lunchtime." Never give a narcissist an open-ended appointment.
If Carol objects to meeting on the phone, if she tries to twist your words, if she tries to convince you that you are mistaken, over-sensitive, too dramatic, you'll know it's time to end contact with her.
If she's really changed, she will, at the very least, be willing to LISTEN to you, and accommodate some of your needs.
posted by valannc at 8:37 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Don't go. If she's as you describe, then she wants to get together for some reason that will serve herself, not you.
Your friends who are encouraging you to go are meddling in your suffering for their own entertainment.
There is nothing there of value to you. Don't go.
Don't.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 8:39 AM on August 22, 2016
Your friends who are encouraging you to go are meddling in your suffering for their own entertainment.
There is nothing there of value to you. Don't go.
Don't.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 8:39 AM on August 22, 2016
Closure comes from you. I've literally had an ex call me and apologize for being such an awful partner, but it felt completely empty because I had already forgiven and moved on. That's on you. It's hard.
I don't have much experience with narcissists, but a lot of the NO CONTACT EVER advice is hard for me. When I'm avoiding someone it takes up a LOT more of my energy than it does to exchange a few words and let it go. So if you're happy not talking to her, don't. If you're kind of obsessed with the restriction of not being in contact, go. But don't expect anything to come of it. You're not good for each other, it's done. But I'm of the persuasion that exploring ideas of ending isn't the worst thing, and easier for me to do than just cutting things off.
You seem to have a really black-and-white view of this relationship. That's cool but life's too short to carefully maintain these fenced-off gardens of resentment, in my opinion. Let it go and you'll feel better.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 8:41 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
I don't have much experience with narcissists, but a lot of the NO CONTACT EVER advice is hard for me. When I'm avoiding someone it takes up a LOT more of my energy than it does to exchange a few words and let it go. So if you're happy not talking to her, don't. If you're kind of obsessed with the restriction of not being in contact, go. But don't expect anything to come of it. You're not good for each other, it's done. But I'm of the persuasion that exploring ideas of ending isn't the worst thing, and easier for me to do than just cutting things off.
You seem to have a really black-and-white view of this relationship. That's cool but life's too short to carefully maintain these fenced-off gardens of resentment, in my opinion. Let it go and you'll feel better.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 8:41 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
When we had that, how can you ever presume that I would accept this?
You are comparing "this, that, and the other," but you have not yet experienced the other.
There is something much better out there for you.
Don't go to lunch. It will only slow you down.
posted by SLC Mom at 8:49 AM on August 22, 2016
You are comparing "this, that, and the other," but you have not yet experienced the other.
There is something much better out there for you.
Don't go to lunch. It will only slow you down.
posted by SLC Mom at 8:49 AM on August 22, 2016
There might be a point where you can meet with Carol and not come away hurt or suffering from reopened wounds.. but this is not that time. By your own words, you are still having trouble with this break up. This is why this is not the time.
Years from now, when your break up with Carol no longer causes anything but the memory of sorrow - then you can have lunch with her.
posted by INFJ at 8:50 AM on August 22, 2016
Years from now, when your break up with Carol no longer causes anything but the memory of sorrow - then you can have lunch with her.
posted by INFJ at 8:50 AM on August 22, 2016
So I cannot envision a universe in which I would ever benefit from any degree of reconnection or "friendship" with Carol.
Let's say we live in a multi-verse. Let's say there was some benefit that you could gain from some degree of reconnection or friendship (some ex-lovers make great life long friends!). The chances of this universe being the one where you would get anything out of it are minuscule, for all of the reasons that you listed. And even if this were that universe, there are still the opportunity costs of time spent with/around Carol that won't be spent with other people who haven't screwed you over in the past.
Any benefit from this meeting would accrue to Carol. And she doesn't deserve it.
Cancel, and treat yourself to lunch somewhere nice with nothing but a good book for company.
posted by sparklemotion at 9:20 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Let's say we live in a multi-verse. Let's say there was some benefit that you could gain from some degree of reconnection or friendship (some ex-lovers make great life long friends!). The chances of this universe being the one where you would get anything out of it are minuscule, for all of the reasons that you listed. And even if this were that universe, there are still the opportunity costs of time spent with/around Carol that won't be spent with other people who haven't screwed you over in the past.
Any benefit from this meeting would accrue to Carol. And she doesn't deserve it.
Cancel, and treat yourself to lunch somewhere nice with nothing but a good book for company.
posted by sparklemotion at 9:20 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
You said you want closure. This is the opposite of closure.
This is not your only opportunity to see her. In a year or so, when you do not use terms like"Hindenburg" "triggered" or "suffering" when you talk about this, if you still want to connect with her, you can reach out.
posted by kapers at 9:22 AM on August 22, 2016 [6 favorites]
This is not your only opportunity to see her. In a year or so, when you do not use terms like"Hindenburg" "triggered" or "suffering" when you talk about this, if you still want to connect with her, you can reach out.
posted by kapers at 9:22 AM on August 22, 2016 [6 favorites]
Don't go. People like this usually realize they haven't been able to screw you over or make you squirm for a while. They get bored and want some entertainment and drama. Then they remember they can push your buttons.
Even if they've changed, it's easy for people to fall back into negative habits of behavior. You can think of it as either saving yourself pain, or helping both of you proceed onward because you could tempt her into bad behavior. Either way, you are doing the right thing. Don't go.
.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:48 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Even if they've changed, it's easy for people to fall back into negative habits of behavior. You can think of it as either saving yourself pain, or helping both of you proceed onward because you could tempt her into bad behavior. Either way, you are doing the right thing. Don't go.
.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:48 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: The most productive thing you can do for yourself is look at the patterns that created a painful dynamic for you, and try to understand and resolve that. Compassion can lead you forward toward not acting out the same drama. It feels fantastic to have insights that make you realize why you acted in some way and what you'd like to do going forward.
This other partner is asking you to meet in a public, structured situation without talking to you privately first. Think about how that pattern could be unbeneficial for your own growth. I'm a firm believer in not getting caught up in what's "wrong" with the other person, but delving deeper into what your own patterns are and trying to move forward.
posted by effluvia at 9:54 AM on August 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
This other partner is asking you to meet in a public, structured situation without talking to you privately first. Think about how that pattern could be unbeneficial for your own growth. I'm a firm believer in not getting caught up in what's "wrong" with the other person, but delving deeper into what your own patterns are and trying to move forward.
posted by effluvia at 9:54 AM on August 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
You're mentioned you want closure--this is not closure. This is the opposite of closure, which is "opening"--opening yourself up to rehashing the things that hurt you the first time. I don't think you really want that. If you actually want closure, don't go.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:12 AM on August 22, 2016
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:12 AM on August 22, 2016
I suggest you watch Random Hearts. There is a great scene it where one character gives a compelling argument about why the other needs to let go and stop looking for a why.
We give ourselves closure or we get it from some other relationship to someone less dreadful. It is incredibly rare for the people who wronged us to give us closure or make amends.
Protect yourself. Let the gods sort out giving her a chance in the future to make things right or whatever.
Journal or do therapy or write angry poetry or something. Exorcise this demon from your soul. You can do that for yourself. You do not need anything from her.
posted by Michele in California at 10:53 AM on August 22, 2016
We give ourselves closure or we get it from some other relationship to someone less dreadful. It is incredibly rare for the people who wronged us to give us closure or make amends.
Protect yourself. Let the gods sort out giving her a chance in the future to make things right or whatever.
Journal or do therapy or write angry poetry or something. Exorcise this demon from your soul. You can do that for yourself. You do not need anything from her.
posted by Michele in California at 10:53 AM on August 22, 2016
Lunch is tomorrow and you're having nightmares about it. I believe it. The pull is strong for whatever reason. It doesn't matter what the reason is. You have to deal with tomorrow right now. And the stress of tomorrow is affecting you now. Untangling the deeper issues can wait. I fully believe in being honest and dealing with stuff straight on but sometimes you've got to get someone off you Right Now.
Sorry, Carol, can't make it. I have norovirus. I have explosive diarrhea. I have (fill in the blank).
(IME if don't give a reason a narcissist will continue to dig. Does not apply to other people.)
Then make a therapist appointment and dig into the rest at your own pace, in your own time.
posted by It'sANewDawn at 10:53 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Sorry, Carol, can't make it. I have norovirus. I have explosive diarrhea. I have (fill in the blank).
(IME if don't give a reason a narcissist will continue to dig. Does not apply to other people.)
Then make a therapist appointment and dig into the rest at your own pace, in your own time.
posted by It'sANewDawn at 10:53 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: "That intense, all-encompassing need for closure and understanding that is deeply ingrained in my psyche still longs to be sated."
Yeah, it'll do that. It'll loudly encompass everything and squall for satiety for a very long time, could be years, and then one day you'll notice you haven't heard it in a while and you'll revisit and notice that the thought of Carol, which used to bring on a hurricane of tears and sleepless nights and writhing on the floor and howls of "why, whyyy, WHYYYYY???" now inspires a peculiarly benign flatness, no curiosity, and no particular emotion at all. You will wonder where it all went. You will wonder, if this can happen, how deeply ingrained and all-encompassing was it, actually? How profound am I, really? Are any of us? And the answer I finally was forced to accept after it happened to me three times over the last three decades is... not very. That's okay--we can still do a lot of good in the world.
You can't have closure. You can only re-open the thing and hop back into it to prolong the profound agony. If that's what you want, go to lunch. If what you want is closure, resolve to continue wanting it until you don't anymore. Have patience, trashy novels, and ice cream.
posted by Don Pepino at 11:45 AM on August 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
Yeah, it'll do that. It'll loudly encompass everything and squall for satiety for a very long time, could be years, and then one day you'll notice you haven't heard it in a while and you'll revisit and notice that the thought of Carol, which used to bring on a hurricane of tears and sleepless nights and writhing on the floor and howls of "why, whyyy, WHYYYYY???" now inspires a peculiarly benign flatness, no curiosity, and no particular emotion at all. You will wonder where it all went. You will wonder, if this can happen, how deeply ingrained and all-encompassing was it, actually? How profound am I, really? Are any of us? And the answer I finally was forced to accept after it happened to me three times over the last three decades is... not very. That's okay--we can still do a lot of good in the world.
You can't have closure. You can only re-open the thing and hop back into it to prolong the profound agony. If that's what you want, go to lunch. If what you want is closure, resolve to continue wanting it until you don't anymore. Have patience, trashy novels, and ice cream.
posted by Don Pepino at 11:45 AM on August 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
As I re-read my question I think one thing I didn't add was:All of the things you wrote after that seem to me like excellent reasons NOT to see this person.
posted by Juffo-Wup at 4:43 PM on August 22, 2016
Best answer: Please don't go. Protect yourself. For the purpose of illustrating just one of the many ways this kind of thing can go wrong...
An ex reached out to me after almost a year of minimal contact. No context, just asking if we could get together. Like you, I still wanted to know why things had ended as they had, and by that point, I was doing okay - not completely over it, but more over it than you sound. I figured I could make it through one evening, be calm, and perhaps get some closure. So we met for coffee.
He said a lot of things. We caught up a bit on each others' lives. He tried to give me back some items he had borrowed, which I had already replaced. He expressed regret. He said how much he missed me. How he had loved me (something he had never previously said). How he...could never see me again, and he couldn't do anything about that. He insisted that he cared about me, but circumstances were beyond his control (he was more specific than that; said circumstances were not persuasive). The last thing he said that night was, "Maybe someday..."
That turned out to not be quite the last time I saw him (my fault, I didn't disappear immediately like he wanted me to), but soon enough it ended for real. And it was like losing him all over again, but this time was worse. Maybe it was worse because when we'd split up I could make excuses for him - he had been in a genuinely difficult situation - but that coffee evening was just cruel. There was no reason for him to reach out to me, and he had the gall to unload his unresolved feelings on me without any consideration for how I'd feel hearing them. By telling me that he had loved me, he demonstrated that he actually hadn't. When he'd reached out, I'd been ambivalent about seeing him, but I thought, "He already left me, how much more damage can he do?" Turned out, that evening more than undid all of the getting over it that I'd done.
What level of "relationship-lite" that may follow such a situation can ever seem like anything other than the pale, weak, copy-of-a-copy that it is?
She might not want a relationship-lite. My ex didn't. He said he'd messaged me because he was watching the falling snow, and it reminded him of when things had ended the year before. Yes, the falling snow made him do it. Agency? What's that?
Your ex-friend is not my ex. But she is someone who has hurt you, who is now reaching out for unknown reasons, when you're not really okay yet...don't go. Treat yourself to your favorite lunch tomorrow, with a friend or in blissful solitude. Or go for a walk during lunchtime. Or watch this video 21 times in a row. Do anything other than meeting with this person.
posted by orangejenny at 6:39 PM on August 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
An ex reached out to me after almost a year of minimal contact. No context, just asking if we could get together. Like you, I still wanted to know why things had ended as they had, and by that point, I was doing okay - not completely over it, but more over it than you sound. I figured I could make it through one evening, be calm, and perhaps get some closure. So we met for coffee.
He said a lot of things. We caught up a bit on each others' lives. He tried to give me back some items he had borrowed, which I had already replaced. He expressed regret. He said how much he missed me. How he had loved me (something he had never previously said). How he...could never see me again, and he couldn't do anything about that. He insisted that he cared about me, but circumstances were beyond his control (he was more specific than that; said circumstances were not persuasive). The last thing he said that night was, "Maybe someday..."
That turned out to not be quite the last time I saw him (my fault, I didn't disappear immediately like he wanted me to), but soon enough it ended for real. And it was like losing him all over again, but this time was worse. Maybe it was worse because when we'd split up I could make excuses for him - he had been in a genuinely difficult situation - but that coffee evening was just cruel. There was no reason for him to reach out to me, and he had the gall to unload his unresolved feelings on me without any consideration for how I'd feel hearing them. By telling me that he had loved me, he demonstrated that he actually hadn't. When he'd reached out, I'd been ambivalent about seeing him, but I thought, "He already left me, how much more damage can he do?" Turned out, that evening more than undid all of the getting over it that I'd done.
What level of "relationship-lite" that may follow such a situation can ever seem like anything other than the pale, weak, copy-of-a-copy that it is?
She might not want a relationship-lite. My ex didn't. He said he'd messaged me because he was watching the falling snow, and it reminded him of when things had ended the year before. Yes, the falling snow made him do it. Agency? What's that?
Your ex-friend is not my ex. But she is someone who has hurt you, who is now reaching out for unknown reasons, when you're not really okay yet...don't go. Treat yourself to your favorite lunch tomorrow, with a friend or in blissful solitude. Or go for a walk during lunchtime. Or watch this video 21 times in a row. Do anything other than meeting with this person.
posted by orangejenny at 6:39 PM on August 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I was in a relationship that ended with a massive Hindenburg implosion and one thing that I realized in retrospect was that I went through a long period of time where my subconscious was telling me the situation was really bad and I needed to get out ASAP, and it was manifesting as the physical symptoms of stress along the lines of what you describe, but for whatever reason I was interpreting that as the urgent need to preserve the relationship and somehow fix things. This created a feedback loop that kept me digging a deeper hole until I finally hit a point where I realized what was going on and was eventually able to pull myself back together. Several years later, I'm occasionally curious as to what really went down although I no longer really care and have no desire to find out, but it took a lot of active effort to remind myself that all of the intense feelings about it involved what was essentially a mourning process for things which certainly no longer exist and were questionable in the first case given what had transpired.
posted by feloniousmonk at 10:19 PM on August 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by feloniousmonk at 10:19 PM on August 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
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posted by plep at 5:19 AM on August 22, 2016 [31 favorites]