Worried over a disparity of feelings or worried over nothing?
August 20, 2016 7:49 PM Subscribe
Last week I decided to enter a Long Distance Relationship with a person I’ve never met in person. I like him and he likes me… but I also feel he may like me too much for a person he’s never met? Or perhaps I’m misreading him or overthinking, which I am prone to do. How do I handle this? Details within.
Background: I am a 26 year old female and he is a 27 year old male and we are currently in an LDR. We’ve only been in a relationship for little over a week.
We’ve only been talking with each other for about a month. During that month we chatted a great amount and learned a lot about each other and last week he approached me and was very honest and forward about his feelings. I knew I had started to develop feelings for him as well, so we agreed to start seeing each other. He also doesn’t live too terribly far, only the next state over, so meeting one day is a very real possibility.
Now, before anything else, I like this person, I want to get to know them, I want to date them and see where things go.
But, the problem is that it feels like he is way more into me than I am into him and that makes me feel horrible, but I also don’t have the best internal compass for these kinds of things. While he certainly hasn’t confessed his undying love or anything, he’s told me he’s super interested in me and has never felt this way about anyone before. I like him too and I feel happy when we talk, but I don’t think it is at the same level. He’s very open, passionate and impatient… I’m very reserved, cautious and patient.
Our views on religion, politics and life match up very well. Our views on whether or not we want children also line up. We have similar senses of humor and interests. I feel relaxed with him. I’ve never had anything like this before, but I’m not completely smitten like he might be and that worries me. I feel guilty and worried that my own feelings may never truly blossom or catch up, but I also feel like it is way too soon to make that judgement.
I think one of the reasons my feelings aren’t as strong is that…well… I still feel like I barely know this person. I still feel wary. While we’ve had voice chats and seen pictures of one another, we’ve never met in person. I worry for whatever grandiose fantasy he may have of me that I won’t live up to.
When confessing to me how he felt and that he wanted some kind of relationship, he did also mention that he does tend to move fast and that he probably was moving too fast, but he simply felt he needed to get the information out there. Honestly, I do feel that he moved too fast for me sometimes, but other times I don’t.
My other reason that I might being having a confusing time is that my only other relationship experience is with people who started out as friends, so I knew a fair amount about them and I was able to interact with them in person. I’ve also never had someone be so forward with me about his feelings. In my other relationship I kept getting confusing mixed signals all that time. I never knew quite where I stood with them and never felt secure. I don’t think I’m used to the idea of someone really being interested and honest with me.
I’ve tried chatting with my best friend about this, and she says that sometimes people’s feelings don’t develop at the same rate and that’s okay. She also thinks I’m being cautious because I’ve never actually met him or spent time with him in person, and she thinks it is good for me to have my eyes open and not be drunk off limerence. She thinks things can turn out okay and that I simply haven’t given myself enough time. That, and my anxiety and worry about this is probably overpowering the feelings I do have for him. I feel like she might be right.
If I imagine him having a similar level interest, near what I have in him, then I feel completely fine about everything. I also noticed when I’m not worrying about this I really feel fine and it feels like I like him very much. It is way more than what I feel when I am anxious and worried.
Am just I inventing imaginary problems and freaking out over nothing?
Can anxiety really overpower and deaden other feelings?
Do I listen to my best friend just try relax, try to get to know him more, and see where things go?
If we did move too fast, how do we recover?
Background: I am a 26 year old female and he is a 27 year old male and we are currently in an LDR. We’ve only been in a relationship for little over a week.
We’ve only been talking with each other for about a month. During that month we chatted a great amount and learned a lot about each other and last week he approached me and was very honest and forward about his feelings. I knew I had started to develop feelings for him as well, so we agreed to start seeing each other. He also doesn’t live too terribly far, only the next state over, so meeting one day is a very real possibility.
Now, before anything else, I like this person, I want to get to know them, I want to date them and see where things go.
But, the problem is that it feels like he is way more into me than I am into him and that makes me feel horrible, but I also don’t have the best internal compass for these kinds of things. While he certainly hasn’t confessed his undying love or anything, he’s told me he’s super interested in me and has never felt this way about anyone before. I like him too and I feel happy when we talk, but I don’t think it is at the same level. He’s very open, passionate and impatient… I’m very reserved, cautious and patient.
Our views on religion, politics and life match up very well. Our views on whether or not we want children also line up. We have similar senses of humor and interests. I feel relaxed with him. I’ve never had anything like this before, but I’m not completely smitten like he might be and that worries me. I feel guilty and worried that my own feelings may never truly blossom or catch up, but I also feel like it is way too soon to make that judgement.
I think one of the reasons my feelings aren’t as strong is that…well… I still feel like I barely know this person. I still feel wary. While we’ve had voice chats and seen pictures of one another, we’ve never met in person. I worry for whatever grandiose fantasy he may have of me that I won’t live up to.
When confessing to me how he felt and that he wanted some kind of relationship, he did also mention that he does tend to move fast and that he probably was moving too fast, but he simply felt he needed to get the information out there. Honestly, I do feel that he moved too fast for me sometimes, but other times I don’t.
My other reason that I might being having a confusing time is that my only other relationship experience is with people who started out as friends, so I knew a fair amount about them and I was able to interact with them in person. I’ve also never had someone be so forward with me about his feelings. In my other relationship I kept getting confusing mixed signals all that time. I never knew quite where I stood with them and never felt secure. I don’t think I’m used to the idea of someone really being interested and honest with me.
I’ve tried chatting with my best friend about this, and she says that sometimes people’s feelings don’t develop at the same rate and that’s okay. She also thinks I’m being cautious because I’ve never actually met him or spent time with him in person, and she thinks it is good for me to have my eyes open and not be drunk off limerence. She thinks things can turn out okay and that I simply haven’t given myself enough time. That, and my anxiety and worry about this is probably overpowering the feelings I do have for him. I feel like she might be right.
If I imagine him having a similar level interest, near what I have in him, then I feel completely fine about everything. I also noticed when I’m not worrying about this I really feel fine and it feels like I like him very much. It is way more than what I feel when I am anxious and worried.
Am just I inventing imaginary problems and freaking out over nothing?
Can anxiety really overpower and deaden other feelings?
Do I listen to my best friend just try relax, try to get to know him more, and see where things go?
If we did move too fast, how do we recover?
Dating someone you've never met is going to be hard. Long distance relationships are really hard. I wouldn't date someone long distance I didn't know well because it is really hard to work this kind of thing out. Maybe he is insane. Maybe he needs extra reassurance about x or y. Maybe he's a serial killer. Maybe he's a great guy. You probably can't sort this all out from a state away. You probably can't get your needs met either. I vote you dump him and start seeing someone you can see in person everyweek no problem.
posted by Kalmya at 8:03 PM on August 20, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Kalmya at 8:03 PM on August 20, 2016 [5 favorites]
Why are you in an LDR with someone you have never met?
Yes. It's weird to think of yourself attached or committed to someone you have never met in person and not even video chatted with.
I don't even know what to say. He should come to your city to visit, but not stay with you to keep the pressure low. See if you like him or not IRL before labeling the relationship!
"Hi, guy. You know what? I can only be comfortable investing in a LDR with you if we see how we get along in person. Can we make plans for you to visit my city soon?"
He should have similar standards. If he does not, then this is not the guy for you. Also, be careful. He is, in fact, a complete stranger to you. You don't really know him.
posted by jbenben at 8:07 PM on August 20, 2016 [46 favorites]
Yes. It's weird to think of yourself attached or committed to someone you have never met in person and not even video chatted with.
I don't even know what to say. He should come to your city to visit, but not stay with you to keep the pressure low. See if you like him or not IRL before labeling the relationship!
"Hi, guy. You know what? I can only be comfortable investing in a LDR with you if we see how we get along in person. Can we make plans for you to visit my city soon?"
He should have similar standards. If he does not, then this is not the guy for you. Also, be careful. He is, in fact, a complete stranger to you. You don't really know him.
posted by jbenben at 8:07 PM on August 20, 2016 [46 favorites]
Maybe I'm misreading this, but it feels like he's put you in a position of "being in a relationship" which you don't necessarily want. Like he is seeking some sort of exclusivity from you based upon having talked online and on the phone. That's not something that he has any right to ask of you.
While sometimes real relationships do develop through prolonged long-distance contact, that doesn't seem to be what's happening here. You've been corresponding for a month, and no matter whether you say "we're in a relationship" or not, all you've really got is a fairly short interaction that cannot place any obligations on you. I think it's a bit concerning that he's pushing for something which seems aimed at giving him a degree of unearned emotional power over you.
My advice to you is to back away from any "this is a relationship" stuff. If you want to continue chatting, that's fine, but I think you need to make clear that, at this point, chatting is all it is. If he reacts badly to that, I think that's a very strong sign that you need to get away from him.
Overall, I think this is likely to be a situation you're best off out of, but you're going to have to make that decision for yourself.
posted by howfar at 8:09 PM on August 20, 2016 [27 favorites]
While sometimes real relationships do develop through prolonged long-distance contact, that doesn't seem to be what's happening here. You've been corresponding for a month, and no matter whether you say "we're in a relationship" or not, all you've really got is a fairly short interaction that cannot place any obligations on you. I think it's a bit concerning that he's pushing for something which seems aimed at giving him a degree of unearned emotional power over you.
My advice to you is to back away from any "this is a relationship" stuff. If you want to continue chatting, that's fine, but I think you need to make clear that, at this point, chatting is all it is. If he reacts badly to that, I think that's a very strong sign that you need to get away from him.
Overall, I think this is likely to be a situation you're best off out of, but you're going to have to make that decision for yourself.
posted by howfar at 8:09 PM on August 20, 2016 [27 favorites]
Moving a relationship along much to fast and getting way too intense, is one of the early warning signs of an abuser. This man may not be a bad guy, but your instincts are, very correctly, telling you to be cautious. Listen to them! If you continue to interact with this man, pay very very close attention to any hunches you may have about him and the relationship. Your sub conscious will pick up on things that your conscious mind might miss. Go slowly and cautiously. Familiarize yourself with the early warning signs of abusive relationships and what's known as "the cycle of abuse." He may be a perfectly OK guy but there's no harm in educating yourself just in case.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:32 PM on August 20, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:32 PM on August 20, 2016 [7 favorites]
Now, before anything else, I like this person, I want to get to know them, I want to date them and see where things go.
That is a reasonable and normal expression for the stage you are in. "A relationship" is not. You don't have anything like a real romantic relationship - you haven't met yet. You have an online friend with a mutual attraction, but that's it. You really don't - can't - have anything more than that until you meet.
The solution? Make plans to meet as soon as possible. And don't go calling this a "relationship," or submitting to his vision and structure for this interaction, until you do. You have met someone you like, you want to get to know them, and you might want to date them and see where things go. Your attitude is healthy and appropriate. His categorization of this as a "relationship" is rightly setting off your alarm bells. Don't accept that designation. Let him know that until you meet and start negotiating in real life as real, fully fleshed, people who truly know each other in more than one dimension, you don't - can't - have what people call a 'relationship.'
Don't doubt yourself. Sometimes good relationships begin online and sometimes they feel romantic before you meet, but meeting in person is an essential step before making any other structural declarations about what's going on. You need to listen to yourself and insist on what you know to be the truth: It's not an LDR at this moment, not a relationship at this moment - it's an online friendship with romantic possibilities. Keep it right there until you meet; you'll know a lot more then.
And just never let anyone else rush you into their definition of what things are supposed to be.
posted by Miko at 8:36 PM on August 20, 2016 [12 favorites]
That is a reasonable and normal expression for the stage you are in. "A relationship" is not. You don't have anything like a real romantic relationship - you haven't met yet. You have an online friend with a mutual attraction, but that's it. You really don't - can't - have anything more than that until you meet.
The solution? Make plans to meet as soon as possible. And don't go calling this a "relationship," or submitting to his vision and structure for this interaction, until you do. You have met someone you like, you want to get to know them, and you might want to date them and see where things go. Your attitude is healthy and appropriate. His categorization of this as a "relationship" is rightly setting off your alarm bells. Don't accept that designation. Let him know that until you meet and start negotiating in real life as real, fully fleshed, people who truly know each other in more than one dimension, you don't - can't - have what people call a 'relationship.'
Don't doubt yourself. Sometimes good relationships begin online and sometimes they feel romantic before you meet, but meeting in person is an essential step before making any other structural declarations about what's going on. You need to listen to yourself and insist on what you know to be the truth: It's not an LDR at this moment, not a relationship at this moment - it's an online friendship with romantic possibilities. Keep it right there until you meet; you'll know a lot more then.
And just never let anyone else rush you into their definition of what things are supposed to be.
posted by Miko at 8:36 PM on August 20, 2016 [12 favorites]
You are not overthinking. Your feelings are valid. Your feelings are not wrong. If you're uncomfortable, you're uncomfortable, and there is nothing wrong with that. You're allowed to feel uncomfortable and you're allowed to not want to pursue this. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID.
posted by a strong female character at 8:57 PM on August 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by a strong female character at 8:57 PM on August 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
From years of experience, I can tell you that anyone who "likes you too much" without having met you even once is, in decreasing order of likelihood: desperate, horny, lonely, a loser, a creep, a stalker, or a serial killer.
posted by Melismata at 9:08 PM on August 20, 2016 [38 favorites]
posted by Melismata at 9:08 PM on August 20, 2016 [38 favorites]
Your feelings are totally rational. What you have there isn't a relationship, it is a virtual acquaintance. You have no idea what that person is like.
It's fine to enjoy a correspondence and frankly stuff like this can fill some emotional needs while still being a lot less trouble than an actual romantic relationship, but don't mistake it for one or let him push you into pretending that's what it is. You have no idea what's on the other end there. If you want to find out, insist you meet asap.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:08 PM on August 20, 2016 [3 favorites]
It's fine to enjoy a correspondence and frankly stuff like this can fill some emotional needs while still being a lot less trouble than an actual romantic relationship, but don't mistake it for one or let him push you into pretending that's what it is. You have no idea what's on the other end there. If you want to find out, insist you meet asap.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:08 PM on August 20, 2016 [3 favorites]
What you describe is also the MO of a romance scammer.
posted by frumiousb at 10:03 PM on August 20, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by frumiousb at 10:03 PM on August 20, 2016 [7 favorites]
Absolutely trust your gut. If I talk to somebody and notice that they start using terms and gestures that signify a level of closeness and familiarity I am not comfortable with and that I do not perceive myself, I usually take that as a sign of them either being too clingy, potentially manipulative, or them desiring something other than actually getting to know me. I call them out on it, tell them that I am not comfortable, and see how they respond.. and if it isn't an acknowledgement of my stance and direct apology for overstepping bounds, that's enough to call things off in my book.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 10:25 PM on August 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by gemutlichkeit at 10:25 PM on August 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
I recommend meeting up at the first opportunity. It is very very very hard to get a real impression of someone without being around them in person, and also seeing what they're like around different people. I would be wary of anyone who is pushing for a serious commitment without having met you. You can't do those little analyses which help us judge a person, so of course you're over thinking this- the guy could be 100% genuine and sincerely in to you, but then you meet for real and find he's rude to waitresses and cruel to his mom.
Source: I went crazy fast into a LDR with someone I'd never met, pushing down anxieties about moving too fast and a disparity in levels of feelings. When we did meet it turned out I didn't like who they were in the real world as a partner, and ended it. The level of mystery and room for fantasy in LDR meant I had really not realised the reality of this person's personality and lifestyle. I'm glad we met after only a few months so I could find this out it in a timely manner, and hadn't wasted a lot of time on something that could never work out IRL. But it was a bummer anyway, that I'd let something not real and not suitable for me get too serious, and had to dump someone who was really into me and fine with the situation, and hurt their feelings.
posted by mymbleth at 11:11 PM on August 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
Source: I went crazy fast into a LDR with someone I'd never met, pushing down anxieties about moving too fast and a disparity in levels of feelings. When we did meet it turned out I didn't like who they were in the real world as a partner, and ended it. The level of mystery and room for fantasy in LDR meant I had really not realised the reality of this person's personality and lifestyle. I'm glad we met after only a few months so I could find this out it in a timely manner, and hadn't wasted a lot of time on something that could never work out IRL. But it was a bummer anyway, that I'd let something not real and not suitable for me get too serious, and had to dump someone who was really into me and fine with the situation, and hurt their feelings.
posted by mymbleth at 11:11 PM on August 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
Catfish rule #3.
I just found this and your friend already fulfills some criteria. Particularly number three (and four!). Do please be very careful. Catfishers are experts at this. They catch all sorts of clever and kind people all the time. To the point where it has a name. Take care, and be very wary.
posted by taff at 4:39 AM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
I just found this and your friend already fulfills some criteria. Particularly number three (and four!). Do please be very careful. Catfishers are experts at this. They catch all sorts of clever and kind people all the time. To the point where it has a name. Take care, and be very wary.
posted by taff at 4:39 AM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
You need to meet in person ASAP, before you call it a relationship. So much of attraction and partnership is non-verbal and also not self-reported. Lots of us, if not most of us, live a bit differently in our heads than we actually live. (I am always organizing and cleaning my house and mentioning it in chat, so it sounds neat and tidy, but that's because I'm not always good at putting things away as I use them....)
That feeling in your gut is exactly right. This is moving way too fast.
I would say if you can't find a way to meet in a month or two, end it now.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:08 AM on August 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
That feeling in your gut is exactly right. This is moving way too fast.
I would say if you can't find a way to meet in a month or two, end it now.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:08 AM on August 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
Hey there. My 11-year-old relationship started as a LDR with a guy I had never met in real life. Cute, no? Here's the thing: we had read each other's blogs for several years; we had exchanged emails and texts and postcards for years; and we had IM'd and talked on the phone for months before we finally discussed that maybe we should give each other a chance. And within a week we had made arrangements to meet in RL. Obviously, things worked out for us but in retrospect we had had a super-slomo courtship.
So, you guys going into a relationship after a month and getting really intense about things? That gives me all kinds of bad vibes. Who knows if he's a scammer or just a really intense guy - the fact remains that you feel uncomfortable and things are moving superfast ... with a guy you've only just met online a month ago.
Own that feeling of being uncomfortable and take a small break from this intensity. Look up catfishing and figure out if this guy ticks the boxes. Make firm plans with him about video calls and meeting up in person (bring a friend). You need to sort out what's going on.
posted by kariebookish at 5:10 AM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
So, you guys going into a relationship after a month and getting really intense about things? That gives me all kinds of bad vibes. Who knows if he's a scammer or just a really intense guy - the fact remains that you feel uncomfortable and things are moving superfast ... with a guy you've only just met online a month ago.
Own that feeling of being uncomfortable and take a small break from this intensity. Look up catfishing and figure out if this guy ticks the boxes. Make firm plans with him about video calls and meeting up in person (bring a friend). You need to sort out what's going on.
posted by kariebookish at 5:10 AM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
he’s told me he’s super interested in me and has never felt this way about anyone before.
At your stage in life, I'd have felt kind of uncomfortable if someone that I'd known in-person for a month and had been dating for a week told me that, let alone someone online.
I think other people have covered a lot of what I'd say already, but I'll ask why you want to be in this relationship? LDRs are hard and my anecdotal experience (both personal and observing friends) is that relationships that start as LDRs rarely do well in the long term. The LDRs that I've seen that did work is when there was an established relationship and a set end-goal.
posted by Candleman at 7:14 AM on August 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
At your stage in life, I'd have felt kind of uncomfortable if someone that I'd known in-person for a month and had been dating for a week told me that, let alone someone online.
I think other people have covered a lot of what I'd say already, but I'll ask why you want to be in this relationship? LDRs are hard and my anecdotal experience (both personal and observing friends) is that relationships that start as LDRs rarely do well in the long term. The LDRs that I've seen that did work is when there was an established relationship and a set end-goal.
posted by Candleman at 7:14 AM on August 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: First of all, lots of great answers and I thank you all.
I’ve realized that ignoring my gut about how fast things were moving was a bad thing to do, especially after trying to politely let him know that I really, really thought we needed to know each other more before trying to date or anything like that.
Why did I want to be in an LDR? Well, thinking about it I don’t/didn’t, least not right now with how little I know him. It started off as that I liked him, wanted to get to know him more and see where things went. I didn’t want to try dating or anything until I got to know him more, at very least a couple of months of talking and spending time together.
But he kept talking about his feelings for me and telling me that we will never know everything about each other, and he’s right, I guess, but I felt pressured into doing something too fast too soon. I felt pushed into something I was uncomfortable with.
I know LDRs are difficult, and I honestly do feel very hesitant and wary about it. I realized that I would really need to know him super well and meet in person to proceed with anything. We’d also need clear goals hand set end-goals for the relationship. We haven’t even talked about that, and I don’t even really know what kind of a relationship he’s interested in.
I’m working on trying to find the things to say and explain how I feel to him. Mostly, that I think things went far too fast far too soon and that I feel extremely uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone I hardly know.
I feel like we need to slow things down and take a few steps backwards, but I guess that all really depends on how he reacts to me telling him all this.
I do believe he is who he says he is at least since he's shown me his facebook and such, but what his intentions are, if he is just an intense person or wants something else of me, are still unknown.
I feel like I am not even certain if I want to pursue this anymore and I am uncertain as to how I go about figuring that out.
posted by AdriftInSpace at 7:49 AM on August 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
I’ve realized that ignoring my gut about how fast things were moving was a bad thing to do, especially after trying to politely let him know that I really, really thought we needed to know each other more before trying to date or anything like that.
Why did I want to be in an LDR? Well, thinking about it I don’t/didn’t, least not right now with how little I know him. It started off as that I liked him, wanted to get to know him more and see where things went. I didn’t want to try dating or anything until I got to know him more, at very least a couple of months of talking and spending time together.
But he kept talking about his feelings for me and telling me that we will never know everything about each other, and he’s right, I guess, but I felt pressured into doing something too fast too soon. I felt pushed into something I was uncomfortable with.
I know LDRs are difficult, and I honestly do feel very hesitant and wary about it. I realized that I would really need to know him super well and meet in person to proceed with anything. We’d also need clear goals hand set end-goals for the relationship. We haven’t even talked about that, and I don’t even really know what kind of a relationship he’s interested in.
I’m working on trying to find the things to say and explain how I feel to him. Mostly, that I think things went far too fast far too soon and that I feel extremely uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone I hardly know.
I feel like we need to slow things down and take a few steps backwards, but I guess that all really depends on how he reacts to me telling him all this.
I do believe he is who he says he is at least since he's shown me his facebook and such, but what his intentions are, if he is just an intense person or wants something else of me, are still unknown.
I feel like I am not even certain if I want to pursue this anymore and I am uncertain as to how I go about figuring that out.
posted by AdriftInSpace at 7:49 AM on August 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
Is there a big geographical distance involved? If not, have the conversation about taking a step back, and if he handles that well, make a date to meet up. Truly I think it's impossible to know if this is something you'll want to pursue without meeting him.
If there is a continent between the two of you, or he acts like an ass when you assert your boundaries and wishes, then detach yourself. Not worth your agonizing over.
posted by mymbleth at 8:27 AM on August 21, 2016
If there is a continent between the two of you, or he acts like an ass when you assert your boundaries and wishes, then detach yourself. Not worth your agonizing over.
posted by mymbleth at 8:27 AM on August 21, 2016
I've been happily married 14 years to a man from another state that I met online, so I know that online relationships CAN work. But you have a gut that's telling you "it's too fast"; "I don't even know this person"; and "he's 'way more into this than I am". Those are huge red flags to me, and it's the reason I'm recommending you take a couple of steps back.
If you don't want to end the relationship completely now, at least insist that the next step be that you meet in person - in a public place, for a limited time (like a weekend) and with him staying somewhere other than your place. If he's not willing to do that, or if he pushes to stay at your place, it's a good reason to end it. Don't have a sexual relationship at this point.
If he visits, be sure to introduce him to your trusted friends and get their feedback about him. If you have a wonderful time while he's there, give yourself a week or so afterwards to think about it. Sometimes it takes some time alone to let any lurking reservations make their way to the surface. One relational factor that has to exist for a successful relationship is mutual comfort with the pace that things between you are progressing, and right now it doesn't appear that you're on the same page in that area. If you're honest with him about your feelings and he's willing to back off and match your pace, then there's hope. If he continues to push, I'd walk away.
Above all, be honest with yourself. This could be wonderful, but it could be awful, too.
posted by summerstorm at 8:59 AM on August 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
If you don't want to end the relationship completely now, at least insist that the next step be that you meet in person - in a public place, for a limited time (like a weekend) and with him staying somewhere other than your place. If he's not willing to do that, or if he pushes to stay at your place, it's a good reason to end it. Don't have a sexual relationship at this point.
If he visits, be sure to introduce him to your trusted friends and get their feedback about him. If you have a wonderful time while he's there, give yourself a week or so afterwards to think about it. Sometimes it takes some time alone to let any lurking reservations make their way to the surface. One relational factor that has to exist for a successful relationship is mutual comfort with the pace that things between you are progressing, and right now it doesn't appear that you're on the same page in that area. If you're honest with him about your feelings and he's willing to back off and match your pace, then there's hope. If he continues to push, I'd walk away.
Above all, be honest with yourself. This could be wonderful, but it could be awful, too.
posted by summerstorm at 8:59 AM on August 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
"I feel like I am not even certain if I want to pursue this anymore and I am uncertain as to how I go about figuring that out."
Maybe break it down into steps. First, tell him you don't want to be in a relationship without meeting, seeing how you get along. Then meet and see what comes of it. If he has excuses or doesn't show, you know there is something wrong. If you like each other, you can think of the next step. And that step can absolutely be a slow one.
And a pre-meetup step of a video chat could break this down to even smaller steps. The video date could clarify if you even want to meet up in person.
I agree that if your gut says no, I'd listen. (And I'm kind of getting an odd feeling as well, honestly. I would focus on staying safe until you are sure.)
posted by Vaike at 9:26 AM on August 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
Maybe break it down into steps. First, tell him you don't want to be in a relationship without meeting, seeing how you get along. Then meet and see what comes of it. If he has excuses or doesn't show, you know there is something wrong. If you like each other, you can think of the next step. And that step can absolutely be a slow one.
And a pre-meetup step of a video chat could break this down to even smaller steps. The video date could clarify if you even want to meet up in person.
I agree that if your gut says no, I'd listen. (And I'm kind of getting an odd feeling as well, honestly. I would focus on staying safe until you are sure.)
posted by Vaike at 9:26 AM on August 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
Tell him you need to slow it WAY down until you can meet in person. And meet in person as soon as possible IF that is what YOU want to do.
It's not complicated. It might be difficult if you're shy or whatever, but it's not complicated. You need to meet before you commit to a romantic relationship. Not too much to ask.
If he reacts with anything other than 100% understanding and supportiveness of this plan, he is playing you. Maybe not intentionally, maybe it's a subconscious thing where he knows on some level that he can't be a good partner IRL so he wants to extend the fantasy a little longer, but it's still not nice to imprison you in his fantasy without offering you anything in the real world.
This is dangerous. Not because I think he's a murderer necessarily, but emotionally, he's asking way too much of you.
Trust your gut!
posted by kapers at 9:52 AM on August 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
It's not complicated. It might be difficult if you're shy or whatever, but it's not complicated. You need to meet before you commit to a romantic relationship. Not too much to ask.
If he reacts with anything other than 100% understanding and supportiveness of this plan, he is playing you. Maybe not intentionally, maybe it's a subconscious thing where he knows on some level that he can't be a good partner IRL so he wants to extend the fantasy a little longer, but it's still not nice to imprison you in his fantasy without offering you anything in the real world.
This is dangerous. Not because I think he's a murderer necessarily, but emotionally, he's asking way too much of you.
Trust your gut!
posted by kapers at 9:52 AM on August 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
telling me that we will never know everything about each other
This part sounds to me like he's countering a statement you made that you don't know each other well enough, and it's a distraction effort meant to make you question yourself. That is seriously manipulative and concerns me more than most of what you wrote in the initial post.
Your language in your follow-up comment is perfect - you could pretty much send that to him verbatim and take it from there. Your boundaries are reasonable and natural and any well-intentioned person would be able to understand them and recalibrate their expressions out of respect for you, and to take it at the pace you feel is appropriate.
posted by Miko at 10:05 AM on August 21, 2016 [10 favorites]
This part sounds to me like he's countering a statement you made that you don't know each other well enough, and it's a distraction effort meant to make you question yourself. That is seriously manipulative and concerns me more than most of what you wrote in the initial post.
Your language in your follow-up comment is perfect - you could pretty much send that to him verbatim and take it from there. Your boundaries are reasonable and natural and any well-intentioned person would be able to understand them and recalibrate their expressions out of respect for you, and to take it at the pace you feel is appropriate.
posted by Miko at 10:05 AM on August 21, 2016 [10 favorites]
I have had a lot of online relationships. My experience: Big Feels is sort of par for the course because, at this stage, you are basically whatever he wants to imagine.
A good antidote: Keep being you. Either he comes down to earth, gets real and an actual relationship begins to take root or a small dose of reality will cause it to die as suddenly as it started.
If he doesn't yet have your phone number and address and blah blah blah, he probably isn't a real threat yet. If he pressures you for info of that sort, be firm. If he ups the ante, dump him. If he agrees to let you put on the brakes, maybe this turns into something, maybe not.
But he has big huge feels right now because you are a fantasy in his head that he can actually talk to. It makes you a dream girl. It totally isn't real and if you keep being real, that delusion will die. When it dies, it may be the death of the relationship of it may be the birth of something real.
Only time will tell.
posted by Michele in California at 12:32 PM on August 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
A good antidote: Keep being you. Either he comes down to earth, gets real and an actual relationship begins to take root or a small dose of reality will cause it to die as suddenly as it started.
If he doesn't yet have your phone number and address and blah blah blah, he probably isn't a real threat yet. If he pressures you for info of that sort, be firm. If he ups the ante, dump him. If he agrees to let you put on the brakes, maybe this turns into something, maybe not.
But he has big huge feels right now because you are a fantasy in his head that he can actually talk to. It makes you a dream girl. It totally isn't real and if you keep being real, that delusion will die. When it dies, it may be the death of the relationship of it may be the birth of something real.
Only time will tell.
posted by Michele in California at 12:32 PM on August 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think you not only need to meet him and have your friends meet him, but you also need to meet other people who know him. You only know what he wants you to know; he has controlled all the information. Is he an abusive a-hole who talks a good game? How would you know?
posted by ctmf at 1:31 PM on August 21, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by ctmf at 1:31 PM on August 21, 2016 [5 favorites]
Not been catfished, but a friend was, to the point where she flipped him to me to get a second opinion. He turned out to be a very clever and unscrupulous manipulator, who got nothing out of my friend because she listened to her gut.
Be careful. Be VERY careful, of both your money and your heart.
posted by GeeEmm at 3:52 PM on August 21, 2016
Be careful. Be VERY careful, of both your money and your heart.
posted by GeeEmm at 3:52 PM on August 21, 2016
Mostly, that I think things went far too fast far too soon and that I feel extremely uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone I hardly know.
I think the words you are using are fine. Anyone who throws up a huge fuss over this is doing you a favor by demonstrating that they are a bullet meant to be dodged.
I understand that you're still trying to figure out whether you want to even get to know him in a romantic sense, but you don't have to decide this right now. In fact, despite the "relationship" label, you are still no more obligated or committed to this stranger than you were when you first started chatting. The label is throwing a sense of... I don't know how to put this, but it's a false construction of security and reciprocity.
posted by sm1tten at 6:03 PM on August 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
I think the words you are using are fine. Anyone who throws up a huge fuss over this is doing you a favor by demonstrating that they are a bullet meant to be dodged.
I understand that you're still trying to figure out whether you want to even get to know him in a romantic sense, but you don't have to decide this right now. In fact, despite the "relationship" label, you are still no more obligated or committed to this stranger than you were when you first started chatting. The label is throwing a sense of... I don't know how to put this, but it's a false construction of security and reciprocity.
posted by sm1tten at 6:03 PM on August 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
In the early 90s I met several guys online that I started "relationships" with - either me or him decided that our connection was real. In both cases I can recall, when we met in person, there was an instant decision - almost a revulsion - that this relationship was a bad idea. My advice: don't make any sort of commitment, verbally or emotionally, to someone you haven't met in person.
posted by bendy at 8:13 PM on August 21, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by bendy at 8:13 PM on August 21, 2016 [5 favorites]
I would tell him that what you have is not a relationship until you meet in person. I would not continue contact until that happens. I've met a few people in person after having a purely net-based 'friendship' when I was in my 20s and the dynamic is so, so different. There was this weird gaping atmosphere - like something was missing. Since then i've had an IRL ASAP rule but I don't have net-based friendships or romantic relations anymore anyway. You need to take control of the reins.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 5:18 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 5:18 AM on August 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
He sounds extremely manipulative and even if things do develop I feel like he'd most likely be abusive. Please protect yourself.
posted by shesbenevolent at 8:16 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by shesbenevolent at 8:16 AM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I realized that I would really need to know him super well and meet in person to proceed with anything. We’d also need clear goals hand set end-goals for the relationship. We haven’t even talked about that, and I don’t even really know what kind of a relationship he’s interested in....
I feel like we need to slow things down and take a few steps backwards, but I guess that all really depends on how he reacts to me telling him all this....
I feel like I am not even certain if I want to pursue this anymore and I am uncertain as to how I go about figuring that out.
But you are certain, and the certain things you are listing make SO MUCH SENSE that I am starting to wonder why they don't make sense to you:
1. It's absolutely normal and okay to want to meet in person and talk about these things before you enter A Relationship.
2. Yes, IMO, you do need to slow things down...except you didn't accelerate them! He did. Relationships are not something one person determines and the other accepts. He pushed, you'll say no.
3. I honestly suggest you don't pursue it but I think you know, if you are going to figure out whether to pursue it or not, how you do that...you meet him offline.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:06 PM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I feel like we need to slow things down and take a few steps backwards, but I guess that all really depends on how he reacts to me telling him all this....
I feel like I am not even certain if I want to pursue this anymore and I am uncertain as to how I go about figuring that out.
But you are certain, and the certain things you are listing make SO MUCH SENSE that I am starting to wonder why they don't make sense to you:
1. It's absolutely normal and okay to want to meet in person and talk about these things before you enter A Relationship.
2. Yes, IMO, you do need to slow things down...except you didn't accelerate them! He did. Relationships are not something one person determines and the other accepts. He pushed, you'll say no.
3. I honestly suggest you don't pursue it but I think you know, if you are going to figure out whether to pursue it or not, how you do that...you meet him offline.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:06 PM on August 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I just had an idea. Could you google image search the photos he and his friends use on Facebook and any photos you have of him? That could get more information to confirm that he is legitimately a suitor, in the absence of video.
posted by taff at 1:39 PM on August 23, 2016
posted by taff at 1:39 PM on August 23, 2016
I would love an update, basically to know that you are all right and being able to express yourself and be listened to.
posted by Miko at 9:29 AM on August 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Miko at 9:29 AM on August 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by taff at 8:02 PM on August 20, 2016 [34 favorites]