How do I tell my friends I'm depressed?

August 17, 2016 5:55 PM

Kinda out of nowhere, over the past few weeks, I've been feeling the onset of depression (extreme negative self talk, crying myself to sleep, the whole shebang). I'm single, and live by myself. I'm going to need the support of my friends while I work my way out of this. To have that support, I have to tell them what's going on, and I need to figure out what kind of support to ask them for.

I've got a therapist, and if this continues for much longer, I'll work toward medication with my physician.

The reason I'm asking this question is because I've been depressed before, and lost lots of friendships during that time because I wasn't able to do much more than get through my day. But I had a partner then, so the temporary loss of friendships wasn't catastrophic; I still had a great deal of emotional support in my daily life. Now I live alone, so I can't afford to let friendships drift away; my family doesn't live close by, so fading friendships would really isolate me.

How do I let my friends know what I'm dealing with? What could I ask them to do to help me? I don't want to let depression win, but I'm already at the point where it's telling me I'll be alone forever and no one will care. The last time I was depressed it lasted for months; I'm dreading that prospect and want to do everything I can to stop this depression in its tracks. I can't do it alone.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (9 answers total)

Whenever me and my friends go through a downswing, we tell each other that we are "turtling" for a while.

And turtles, while retreating into their shell, still need the basics of life: nutrition, good hygiene, and yes, the occasional turtle companionship.

Maybe you could use this as a metaphor, and they will likely get it. Everyone has had times when they needed to be alone, but still wanted human contact. Maybe they are working overtime a lot, or just had a baby, etc. So it's not an uncommon human experience.

Just say you are going through a rough time, and will be turtling for a while while you heal. Ask if they could bring you some chicken soup, or watch a chill-out movie at home with you, or text you once a week to check in.

You don't have to give out any more detail than you feel like, if it will cause you more depressed feelings and/or anxiety. Because you are a turtle right now, after all, and they are naturally slow and calm, and know when to retreat and when to come out of their shell.

My good friends have been there for me on the other side of fallow periods, and I do the same for them, allowing them to retreat into their cocoon and being there when they emerge as a butterfly, or a moth, or whatever it is they feel like being.

If it gets much worse, please see a physician sooner than later, and let your therapist know the extent of how this depression is affecting your daily life. I salute you, Fellow Turtle.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:11 PM on August 17, 2016 [24 favorites]

First of all, I am sorry to hear you are feeling the way you feel. I have been there - recently - and it's not good and not fun. One thing that has helped me has been operating from a default position of "Yes" when it comes to friends' offers. I do better when I'm around people, even if it seems counterintuitive - it forces me to put on real pants and brush my hair or whatever. This mostly takes the form of one on one "friend dates" over food out or at someone's house, and I'm not shy about not having much energy. "I'm not up to____, but I'd be totally down for coffee next Tuesday.", etc. Initiating hangouts... Not as great. Another thought is being comfortable to send a text like, "Hey, I have something on my mind, do you have a sec to talk?", or, "I know I haven't seen you in a while, can we set some tho up soon?" and then conversation will often just sort of naturally follow. I think it's so smart and strong of you to want to approach this proactively. You know your friends best - one or two trusted folks knowing what's going on in some detail might be helpful but YMMV. I'm glad to hear you have a therapist. I am just an internet rando but I believe in you and your ability to work hard to get through this.
posted by shortskirtlongjacket at 6:17 PM on August 17, 2016 [3 favorites]

I think you can only put so much on friends, but the things friends are best at:

-Periodically coaxing you outside into actual daylight for some sort of very low-pressure outing
-Texting you pictures of cute animals and understanding if you only reply with an emoji
-Not getting pissed/giving up when you decline invitations or bail on plans repeatedly

This is why I encourage people to talk about mental health openly with their friends when things are fine or okay, so that when the shit comes it's easier to just grunt "not doing so good right now" and have them know what that means and what feels helpful to you. If you have had this kind of conversation with some of your friends before, maybe tag them first for fastest support.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:24 PM on August 17, 2016 [7 favorites]

You could post to a small group on FB and let your close friends know you've been struggling with depression. What you ask for is up to you, but you might consider what kind of interaction seems appealing right now. Maybe a walk in the park, getting together for coffee, or getting takeout and watching a movie. Maybe checking in with you now and then via text or email.

On preview - I second the cute animal pictures.
posted by bunderful at 6:26 PM on August 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

What you're experiencing has been going on for a few weeks, and you wrote you feel "already at the point where it's telling me I'll be alone forever and no one will care".* Please speak with your physician tomorrow about possible medication avenues (or a thorough physical, or however it develops), to help you right now.

Then, if you're comfortable disclosing the information, you could ask your friends to assist you (weekly calls or other check-ins, a dinner & movie night in where they'll bring both to you, cheery emails or texts, etc.) as you're starting a new protocol to combat your depression.

Having a plan to address your medical condition helps you, and helps the people who care for you. Taking that step now may shorten the duration of this current bout of depression (which lasted months, previously, and that was with a stronger emotional support system and a live-in partner), and having that framework may also help your friends feel less pressured or worried as they seek to support you during this time.

*Not true, btw; I don't even know you, and I'm glad you've asked this question. Best wishes.
posted by Iris Gambol at 7:53 PM on August 17, 2016 [2 favorites]

Just to add to what's already been shared-- try to be as clear as you can be about what you need. You might not totally know, but if there's something you DONT need (i.e. You don't want your friends to do x y z), let them know that, too, because friends usually have the best of intentions but don't know what to do to help. So they'll help in ways that make sense to them, which may not be what resonates with you, which can bum you out more.
posted by jenbo1 at 7:55 PM on August 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I'm really happy that you're being proactive about this. I'm really bad about retreating into my cocoon with only my best friend to talk to and then when I emerge, I feel bad about all the times I dropped the ball with my friends. I love shortskirtlongjacket's tip on trying to say yes to everything you can even if your negative self-talk is telling you it won't be any fun.

As for how to bring it up, I would straight up say, "Hey, I've been feeling depressed the last couple of weeks and I'm having some trouble shaking it. I'm seeing my therapist and considering medicine so I have that covered. And I just wanted you to know that I'm feeling down and if I don't always respond or reach out, that's why - I'm not ignoring you." That's a good lead-in and all you need to do is start the conversation and let it flow from there.
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:17 PM on August 17, 2016 [2 favorites]

Hey, it's okay. (big hugs) I'm sorry you're going through this.

This month I had a depressive episode and I had to cancel a bunch of plans. I felt awful about it. One was a reunion with about 20 friends I love (and their kids) and other were just regular get-togethers, my "book club" (cocktail club), etc.

I contacted the reunion buddies on FB and said:
"I'm so sorry, but I need to cancel the reunion party for next weekend due to some personal issues. I was really looking forward to it, and hopefully if the weather holds out I will try to plan something for the fall - maybe late September.
I'm so sorry - It's just a terrible time.
I will update you all later and hopefully I'll see you soon"

For smaller groups, I didn't give a huge apology, I just said I had to cancel, I was sorry, and we would rebook and that I missed everyone.

A couple of friends reached out after I cancelled, and to them, I just told them I was struggling with a depressive episode and when the clouds clear, I'll be back up and in touch.

Everyone, EVERYONE has been overwhelmingly sweet and generous about it. I find when I'm just honest and say "yup, depressive episode: gotta re-calibrate and I'll get back to you" they don't worry so much about me, and that takes a HUGE amount of pressure ("WHAT WILL THEY THINK?!?!?!?!") off of me. Not having that pressure makes it easier for me to heal. They know I'm taking the steps I need - that's important ( and I am: when this happens, I look at meds, hormones, personal wellness, stress, and I try to address what needs addressing).

It will be okay. Your friends will be there. Most people are anxious about not knowing what to do. Just tell them what you need, and be honest. Even if you change your mind, that's okay too. Be good to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of your needs. It's going to be ok.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 6:59 AM on August 18, 2016 [1 favorite]

You might consider avoiding using words like depressed or depression. It might work better to say something like I am in a funk as a lead in to let them know it's not them, it's you. From there, you may be able to let them know you would really appreciate it if they kept in touch anyway. It would mean a lot to you if they overlooked your bad mood and touched base to ask you out for typical activities anyway.


Best.
posted by Michele in California at 9:56 AM on August 18, 2016