Does it work out to lower your standards?

August 16, 2016 8:20 PM

I'm striking out with dating. I'm an overweight gay guy, but I'm a nice combo of handsome and cute. I love chubby guys, skinny guys, muscly guys, etc. The face is the most important aspect to me. Do relationships ever work out if you date someone you are not particularly attracted to? Can they grow on you?

I've been in situations before where I got to know someone as a friend that I didn't find attractive, but as I got to know them it was like their personality made them more physically attractive. I've never tried this in a dating context, because it usually happens over time and I'm not sure if I would be about to take that time for someone who would potentially be more than friends. Plus, I don't want to string anyone along.

I'm worried I'm missing out on good potential partners. I don't think my standards are all that high, but I'm definitely feeling lonely and don't want to resign myself to going through life on my own.

Has lowering standards worked for anyone? Not worked? Thanks!

posted by blackzinfandel to Human Relations (19 answers total)

You should have a pass or fail standard for looks. Attraction is 50% personality. An ok looking person can turn out to be hot due to personality. An ugly person can be wonderful, but if you're like ew, you're probably not a match to date. Maybe consider if you value inner or outer hotness more when you consider your dates.
posted by Kalmya at 8:29 PM on August 16, 2016 [5 favorites]

Have you ever been in a long term relationship-- like, longer than 5 years? How did you feel about your partner's looks after the 5 year mark? (Or 7 year mark, which is more proverbial.) For me, looks become borderline irrelevant at that point-- though there are specific, arbitrary physical things that are actively disgusting/turn offs to me. That would be a "no," but anything else will probably come out in the wash for me.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:31 PM on August 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

I once met someone who I wouldn't find attractive at the outset (she was overweight and her face wasn't the most beautiful at first) but her personality was amazing, and over time she became very attractive. She's one of the few people I've truly loved and could see myself marrying.
posted by pando11 at 8:54 PM on August 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

If you're trying to judge people based only on photos, especially web-based photos, bear in mind that people look much different (usually better) when you see them in three dimensions, moving, talking, looking at you, talking to you, interacting with other people and their environment.
posted by amtho at 9:15 PM on August 16, 2016 [6 favorites]

I can really relate to what you're saying, and I think I'm having good luck trying out these relationships and trusting that those non-physical parts of attraction will make themselves known. I'm learning to trust that I'll be attracted at the right level at the right time. And in a few instances of trying this out, I've found that the attraction grows or fades relatively quickly as I get to know the person. I think perhaps the thing you described, where you grow attracted to someone as you get to know them, happens (or doesn't happen) faster in a dating context than when you're just interacting with someone as friends. You see the person more often and the conversations are generally deeper and more directed toward figuring out whether you'll be compatible or not.

My goal these days is to think of attraction as a holistic package and try to trust my instincts when someone turns out not to be attractive to me (emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.).

Since the slow-burn has happened with your friends it seems logical that it could happen with a romantic partner.

So my advice is to do what you call "lowering your standards," but recognize that you will actually be able to discern and make decisions according to your standards as you get to know people. Trust that you will know when someone is right for you. Maybe give yourself space to go on [x] dates without drawing a firm conclusion either way, if you think you're making snap judgments. And, keep making friends who you can perhaps grow attracted to in time.
posted by ramenopres at 9:34 PM on August 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

Just wanted to point out that the common phenomenon whereby as you get to know and like someone, they become attractive to you, is entirely unrelated to "lowering your standards".

I wasn't 100% sure if I was attracted to my partner when we started dating. It's not that he wasn't attractive to begin with our not up to my standard. But I wasn't seeing everything about him. As time passed I had a bigger picture and that picture was attractive.

Nine years later we have a house and a two year old and I find him enormously attractive, and count my lucky stars to be together.

So give it a couple of dates, at least! Otherwise you'll never know.
posted by reshet at 9:51 PM on August 16, 2016 [12 favorites]

I dated someone whom I liked, but didn't find terribly attractive. It worked for a few weeks, but I always felt like the romantic stuff was a bit of a chore, and it became really clear to me that I liked him much better as a friend, so I called it off.

It was the right decision. Sex should never feel like work.
posted by yellowcandy at 9:59 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

In my experience, attraction has to be genuine and you can't force it. Would you want someone to date you if they weren't actually attracted to you?

And yes, it's really frustrating to be in a place in your life where you're just not meeting anyone interesting. But I promise you it will pass.
posted by Pearl928 at 10:00 PM on August 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

I think "lower your standards" can be good advice if you find that you are only interested in super hot people who, if you're being honest with yourself, you know are way out of your league. Like if you're wondering "why won't the beautiful people date me?", yeah, you gotta lower your standards a little, fam.

But I think for most people, people who are attracted to people who are about as attractive as them, people who have been in relationships with other average looking people and don't constantly have unrequited crushes where it's clear that the unrequited thing is happening because they're way hotter than you? Settling is not going to work. You need to be with someone you are attracted to. That doesn't mean you need to be with the most conventionally gorgeous person, but you need to want to kiss them. You know?

If you find that people become more attractive to you once you've gotten to know each other, why not get to know people over time and then date them? That's how I met my (extremely attractive IMO) fiance, and it has worked well for us. I'm not sure I would have been as into him if we'd met online and I had to decide on the spot whether I was attracted to him or not. FWIW, it took years of dating around before I met The One. I think if I had framed it as "taking too long" or "wasting time" waiting around making friends and seeing what happened, it would have really stressed me out.

The above said, I would NOT meet someone online, understand that you're not attracted to them, and date them anyway in hopes that they become more attractive later. That just doesn't work. I would frame this more about dating offline or making friends and seeing where things go.
posted by Sara C. at 10:21 PM on August 16, 2016 [9 favorites]

Anecdata point:

IMHO physical attraction can definitely grow from emotional connection.

I was not attracted to Mr Sconbie when we first met. As we became closer and better friends he became so much more attractive to me. I had previously jumped into several relationships based on physical attraction and they didn't last!
It was refreshing to get to know him platonically, without the confusion of a physical relationship.

The physical part snuck up on me and totally surprised me, so that one day I realised that I was totally attracted to him.

I think a lot of my previous relationship pattern was tied up in low self esteem, but when I realised that it was possible (and awesome!) to have an emotional, intellectual AND physical connection everything changed for me.

On reflection I didn't lower my standards; I raised them.

We've been married 10 years.
posted by sconbie at 4:30 AM on August 17, 2016 [5 favorites]

Totally disagree that most people look better in person than online photos. People these days are savvy about putting up images that show them in the best light. If you're constantly disappointed by meeting internet dates in person, just know that this is a real phenomenon.
posted by hyperion at 5:37 AM on August 17, 2016 [5 favorites]

I find personally that its very difficult to generalise. In my experience its possible that attraction can grow, but its not to say that it will.

This isn't to patronise, but I wonder how old you are and how experienced you might be with dating?

In my earlier years I'd certainly have been a bit more driven by looks, but in the absence of having a very clear idea about the other qualities I was looking for in a partner.

These days as someone in my mid 30s (practically decrepit in "gay years") and a husband and two long term engagements later, its much more about personality, sensitivity and other metrics rather than "just" looks - though I prefer to see it as being a more discerning, rather than lower standards.
posted by Middlemarch at 8:08 AM on August 17, 2016

If you're one of those folks who is only attracted to people who are not, realistically, in your league, well then you've got to recalibrate.

But if that's not the issue, then I'd say you have to start out at least at neutral-to-positive on the physical attraction scale. It's ok if you don't start out panting over them, but you can't have the least bit of repulsion. You might be able to get over it in the near term when things are fresh and exciting and you're finding out new cool things about them every day but it never works out long term.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:27 AM on August 17, 2016 [2 favorites]

I can add a bit of science to this! First - imagine that you put your face up on "Hot or Not?” and get a rating of how others, on average, rate your objective facial attractiveness. If you’re in a situation where you’re first filtering out people based on their faces (online dating, speed dating), you’re going to wind up on dates with people whose faces have a similar numerical rating as yours. The face is the most important, but our perception of someone’s overall physical attractiveness also depends a great deal on their body; for gay men, the most important appear to be "figure muscularity and body-fat.”

Now, add in some biographical details and rate that person again: these overall ratings are known as someone’s “mate value.” We’re looking for someone who matches the way we rate ourselves, known as your ‘self-perceived mate value.’)

However, personality also influences our perception of someone’s overall physical attractiveness. If we judge someone’s personality well, their body becomes more attractive, too.

Attraction is really a process of integrating all of these variables together—are they attractive, kind, smart, interesting?— a concept known as "relational mate value” - or how good of a partner we personally think they would be for us. If takes a long time to really get to know people and whether or not they’d be a good partner, which is why the longer two people are acquaintances before they start dating, the less likely they are to ‘match’ in terms of facial attractiveness.

I was incredibly physically attracted to my ex-husband when we met, but by the end, he was so mean I couldn’t stand to look at him. People’s appearance is just a shell; the only thing you can really know about someone by their face is how they’re used to being treated. I’d think of this less as ‘lowering your standards’ and more about the idea that you’re overemphasizing the first piece of information that you happen to get about someone, but our perception of someone’s attractiveness is ultimately about integrating everything, and it takes a long time to get to know people.
posted by blazingunicorn at 9:30 AM on August 17, 2016 [5 favorites]

I think a lot of wonderful people end up not dating much because people don't want to "lower their standards." I also think TV and other media tend to give us a skewed idea of how attractive people in the real world are. If you are spending your time looking at actors and models, you probably have a unrealistic idea of attractiveness based on looking at lots of people who have to be attractive to make a living.

Another thing to think about - people change as they age. They also get in car accidents. Mr. Super Hot might not look like that in fifteen years. Are you going to dump him then because he doesn't meet your standards? (Don't forget, you'll be considered less conventionally attractive as you age.)

My experience is that I become more attracted to people when I like them. I'm going to use an actor who would probably be considered unattractive - Danny DeVito. I would actually consider him pretty attractive because he seems funny and charming. If you had a chance to date him, would you consider that lowering your standards?

One other thought, are you thinking in terms only of whether you are attracted to someone, or are you concerned that your friends won't think he's attractive? I dated someone who told me he initially didn't want to date me because of what his friends might think (I was a little overweight). I should have dumped him right then. To me, that's a matter of character. I eventually divorced him.
posted by FencingGal at 9:48 AM on August 17, 2016 [4 favorites]

Yeah, this (as others have alluded to) is a contextualization issue. Framing it as "lowering your standards" makes it sound like you're considering dating people who you aren't actually attracted to. Do not do this! It's unfair to you and unfair to them. Preferring certain kinds of faces just means you're a normal human being. Don't worry about it. Date people you like being around, and are attracted to, the rest will sort itself out.
posted by aecorwin at 10:13 AM on August 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

Some folks (like me) do not grow in attraction the longer they get to know someone. But it sounds like you do, so you have a shot!

The only thing that comes up to me as a problem is the duration of how long it takes for you to build attraction. If it takes you a year, that would be a problem in dating context.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:49 PM on August 17, 2016

I think you should make your standards realistic. If you're not attracted to the people who are attracted to you, or to those that people say "Hey, you guys look like you complement one another," make your standards realistic. Work on yourself to improve what you can attract.
posted by GiveUpNed at 7:34 PM on August 17, 2016

'Lowering my standards' (it's not a respectful term) works for me in all kinds of relationships. If I would describe it differently, it means becoming less stubborn, letting go of your pre-consumptions, letting go of control, being surprised by a different type of person.
Knowing that your attractions are rooted in positive and negative things life taught you, you might even learn something new about yourself by 'lowering your standards'.
posted by Anna1 at 2:22 AM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]