Is my OKCupid profile OK?

August 10, 2016 5:22 PM

I'm getting more serious about OKCupid and I'm not sure if my profile is good enough. I'd really appreciate your overall thoughts, and I have a few specific questions:

– I had social anxiety for a long time which means I have very little relationship experience. Should I make that clear in some way (maybe in the 'most private thing I'm willing to admit' section) or is that too much information?

– Is my favourite things section too long? It's the first thing I scroll to when I look at someone's profile, but I'm worried listing so many things makes me look overly nerdy.

– Are the one sentence answers ok or should I flesh those sections out more?

– Most of my pictures are current but a couple were taken a really long time ago. I don't think I look much different but should I get rid of them anyway?

posted by Chenko to Human Relations (23 answers total)

We're a 95% match! But in different countries, and I am probably out of your age range.

Anyway, I liked you profile. I think the favorite things section is long-ish, but I tend not to focus on that section too much- if it's important to you, you should leave it.

I like the one-sentence answers because they are well-expressed and kind of amusing. Others may feel differently...honestly when people write *too* much on their profile, I find that a bit exhausting- I'd prefer to just have a conversation. Personally, I think you give a good amount of info.

If it were me, I would not use the phrase "social anxiety", but you could say something about being a bit shy/inexperienced with dating.

The pictures are fine but some seem a bit random, like the shadowy one taken with others- any particular reason you have that up? Don't know how others feel about the photo of the books but I find a little annoying to have to crane my neck to see the titles, plus you wrote them in the profile, so...

Otherwise though, I liked your profile.
posted by bearette at 5:38 PM on August 10, 2016

Pics: I like them all, except for the selfies, in which I'm not sure what to make of your expressions - maybe replace those pics. Use the black and white one for your profile pic, it's excellent. Or the Thank you Isaak one. I like the blurbs :)

Self summary: good opener, first half is nice. After the chess film bit, could be rethought... That kind of self deprecation is actually painful to read. (Same for the "I spend time thinking about" answer.)

Other than that, seems fine to me!

On preview, agree with bearwife, the short answers are good. I like your media lists, keep those long.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:42 PM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: For starters, I think you're a handsome guy but I'd take a new photo for the first profile picture. The headphones and eyes looking down feel a little unpersonal and too "computer selfie" to me.

Personally, I would leave out the bit about not having too much relationship experience. I'm someone with a lot of dating and relationship experience but it's not something I would put out there in a online dating profile nor should you feel the need to explain your background. Mentioning it early on during the first date could come across as endearing though: "I'm so glad to meet you for this date! I'm a bit nervous but excited to be here doing XYZ with you."

You seem like an awesome and sweet person. I wish you luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 5:44 PM on August 10, 2016 [10 favorites]

Your current profile picture doesn't do justice to how attractive you are at all. I would ask a friend or a professional photographer to take a few of you in good lighting where you're smiling and don't have a headset on.

Re: I spend a lot of time thinking about section. Your current answer makes it clear to me that you have social anxiety because what you've written isn't self-deprecating -- it's a downer. What's something you think about that you'd want to discuss with someone you're dating? Pick a few of those things and put those in that section instead.
posted by Hermione Granger at 5:44 PM on August 10, 2016 [12 favorites]

I like your profile a lot! I think it's cute and funny. You do need better photos. The black and white one should be your profile pic, the one of you holding the coffee mug is cute, but the others are just too vague. Try to find (or have a friend take) some shots of you outside, or doing other things that showcase your interests. No bathroom selfies. No headphone / earbud photos.

I'm guessing you already added the part about being shy? I think that's fine.
posted by ananci at 5:45 PM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks everyone! I used to have the black and white photo as my profile pic but I changed it because I was very young when it was taken, so I thought it might misrepresent what I look like now. Do you think that's a problem or should I change it back?
posted by Chenko at 5:53 PM on August 10, 2016

One other thought: you mention that you like to spend your Friday nights watching obscure Japanese movies from the 60s. Why not put in a conversation starter there, like, "Have you ever seen 'A Bug's Life'? If so, we might have a lot of fun watching 'Seven Samurai' together sometime."

Yes, I know SS is from '54. Do you like any of Ozu's movies, maybe some of the ones from '49 to '62? Mentioning some of those might help attract a partner with more avant garde tastes if that'd be a good fit for you. Ozu's films are very popular among artsy female film buffs IME.
posted by Hermione Granger at 6:19 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]

Either you were a precocious younger you, or you're keeping very well, don't worry about misrepresentation :)
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:24 PM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: The black-and-white one is perfect because you look thoughtful and shy and daydreamy, and given all that you say that seems very true to your nature. It will also, guaranteed, make some girl, with similar personality traits, feel a pit-a-pat of the heart. Agreed that all headphone photos should go.

As for smiling, there's a thing about men smiling in photos. Unless they're outright laughing, they rarely do. In fact, I think most men don't think about it, and as a result you see lots of dour-looking, even mean-looking profile pictures on OkayCupid. Those are a turn-off because you start worrying that the person has a negative personality. The mid-way approach I'd recommend is to smile with your eyes, which means your mouth barely moves, but your eyes look more alert, because you're thinking of something nice or funny while the camera goes click.

Good luck! And I loved the picture of the bookcase, by the way!
posted by Violet Blue at 6:52 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Take out the phrase "tear my own face off". Women don't want to read anything that even hints at violence in a profile. Change "stupid" to "awkward" or "embarrassing" in the "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section. Mild self-deprecation is cute. Cruel self-doubt is not.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:08 PM on August 10, 2016 [21 favorites]

Seconding you need to smile!
posted by slateyness at 7:15 PM on August 10, 2016

Best answer: I get that you're probably only interested in other folks also really excited about cult/obscure-ish media, but if you're open to meeting people who engage with the world otherwise you need to say more about your actual self. Otherwise you come off as a possibly sweet person with a very good media collection, which, frankly, is not the thing I look for most in a mate.

This is maybe not constructive feedback, but as a woman roughly in your age range, the fact that you're interested in dating women nine years younger than you but not nine years older than you is kind of a red flag.
posted by tapir-whorf at 7:34 PM on August 10, 2016 [19 favorites]

I'll be honest. I read your entire self-summary hoping to find a single sentence that made you sound fun or interesting. The closest I got was "When I'm not watching movies I'm usually sitting in coffee shops reading and listening to music" which really just makes you sound vaguely bland and nice.

I'd ditch that entire thing and rewrite it, asking of each sentence that it justifies itself as portraying you as both interesting and confident.
posted by 256 at 7:45 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I like it overall and if you want to date women who don't think that the tear your own face off line is somehow scary or suggestive of actual violence, you can be sure there are plenty of us. we understand melodrama and awkward jokes just fine. you might edit it as suggested if you want to be safe, but if it's how you'd talk, it's how you should write, is my opinion. but I am only one woman.

and personally I think trying to edit yourself to be cute is worse than any amount of visible self-loathing, but opinions differ. definitely, though, don't add in anything extra about self-doubt or social anxiety, it's clear enough as it is.

I would second the above comment about the asymmetry in the upper/lower age ranges relative to yourself. but when I was in my twenties I was very enthusiastic about morose young men whereas now I am only fondly tolerant, so it may be you have a good eye for your target market. In any case, it's not nearly as bad as it could be in that regard.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:51 PM on August 10, 2016 [4 favorites]

Best answer: I like your profile (and we are an excellent match according to OKC, though separated by an ocean and more than a decade). But I agree with the above suggestions to take out the "tear my own face off." It's hard to hear people say mean things about themselves.

(A guy messaged me recently on the site and led with a self-deprecating joke which it was a huge turnoff. I would much rather he had asked about something he found interesting in my profile).

You might insert a sentence or two about one of the things you mention liking to add a little detail. Why do you like podcasts? A little information on your personal reaction to some of these things. There's a big difference between "I like Harry Potter" and "I like Harry Potter because good triumphs over evil" and "I like Harry Potter because I think it's an allegory on the need for tolerance in modern society." My examples are not so good but I hope you get the idea.

Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 7:59 PM on August 10, 2016 [7 favorites]

EXACTLY what Potomac avenue said.
posted by bookworm4125 at 8:12 PM on August 10, 2016

Definitely change your main pic so it's not one of you wearing a headset. It makes people think a certain thing, either that you work in telemarketing or play a lot of MMORPGs. Also the angle is a little weird, you are looking down instead of head on. You have nice eyes, make sure you are looking towards the camera so everyone can see.

Nthing the self deprecating comments thing. Yes some people can find shy people endearing but others think it's a lot of work. Help guide them into YOUR type of shy. Maybe spin it a little and explain when/how you feel shy: "I'm shy at parties but I love cooking small dinners with a few friends and one-on-one conversation." This can help people know how you are fun despite your shyness and how to approach you, and can help steer the type of dating activities that get suggested should you get to that point. For me I say I can be shy at first but warm up once I get to know you.

Good luck! One more bit of advice - don't get your hopes up super high or put all your eggs in one basket. Explore, get to know people, figure out what you want and be honest with others. And lastly, don't ghost people!
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 9:47 PM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

I would try to think really hard about what defines you other than coffee, books, movies, and podcasts. Personally, I skim past the *favorite things* section almost every time because it tends to be the longest and least interesting. I know it's probably not natural for you to talk yourself up or boast in any way, but the risk of being reserved and mild-mannered on a dating profile is that people are going to think that's *the best you have to offer*. Being shy is perfectly okay and I think you should embrace it, but try to at least hint at something meaningful-- personal opinions, aspirations, struggles, quirks, philosophies-- maybe even throw caution to the wind and mention something you *dislike*.

But I don't know, these are just my personal opinions, and if your primary means of relating to women and establishing a romantic connection is by talking about movies you both like then more power to you. What I want to know about you is: What makes you creative and open minded? What kinds of things do you draw and how often do you do it? Do you take it seriously? What is book design like and is it awesome??? Among many other things.

You could just wait to have those conversations when someone messages you or responds to one of your messages, but then that puts them in the position of having to ask all the interesting questions, and my fear would be that you might not have any interesting answers for me. I am sorry for this critique and I hope that okcupid is kinder to you <3

p.s. you have a pretty face
posted by mammal at 10:52 PM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

Seconding that when someone is very self deprecating I tend to think "that's a lot of work" and move on. Confidence is attractive. Shy people can be very confident too. I think a little self deprecation is OK but just a garnish, not the main dish.
posted by fshgrl at 11:25 PM on August 10, 2016

I used my old forgotten OKcupid account to have a look. Firstly, you're a handsome dude, but I do think you need more photos in general, with more range of expressions; Violet Blue makes a good point about the smiling with your eyes trick. Do that. You look kind of sad and pensive a lot of the time, which is fine for a few of the pictures (black and white one makes it work) but maybe not so great for all of them-- computer selfies never seem to work well at capturing a dreamy vibe, they tend to always look lonely and sad. Also I feel it does make you look way too shy and not confident to not smile at least a little. As others said, shy people can be confident too-- it's not mutually exclusive. I also think that being self-deprecating in the profile will turn off more people than it will attract. My gut reaction was, 'why would he think he's not worthy of self-praise?' when I read it. I don't think there's anything wrong with being self-deprecating, but there can be a fine line between that and self-hatred, and I feel like you are toeing that in your profile with that comment.

I don't agree with the nine-years older thing being a red flag. (And before anyone says anything, I'm speaking as someone who actually IS 9 years older than my boyfriend). It's not just a society double standard here-- You're 29, and if you want kids its probably best to have an upper limit on the age range of women you want to date, because at least in my case? Our age difference did rush things for us, did complicate things, and does make a difference in our lives and our future plans. Those are all reasonable considerations for your age limit, especially given you're 29. Honestly, I think 7 years is a good max range in either direction, really.

I also think you need a tiny bit more in terms of content. Maybe flesh it out a little more. Not much, as it's pretty good, but as others have said, you seem very defined by your hobbies and while that's fine, it does make your profile seem a little one-note. You should maybe talk about you, possibly your hopes and dreams or even elaborating on why you love what you love in your film hobby, etc. I don't think you mention too many faves, but this is someone with a crapload of interests who used to mention 3x your amount.

I don't think you should mention your lack of experience straight off the bat; these are discussions to be had when you actually start dating someone, and even then I'd wait til things got more serious to say so.

Overall it's a really good profile, you seem great and you're attractive and I wish you lots of luck.
posted by Dimes at 1:28 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: As a self deprecating shy movie nerd myself, who might be the sort of person you're looking for (other than, you know, being already partnered, on a different continent, and two years out of your range...), your profile looks mostly great. The only things that would give me pause are the skewing-young of your age range, and the pic with the headphones. I do agree that it's maybe a bit heavily focused on "what I like" vs. "what I am like", but there's enough you there to give me some sense about who you are beyond the stuff you like.

"Tear my own face off" was one of my favorite things about your profile, actually, it gave me a sense of "oh god, ME TOO," and might be a thing I would use as a hook in a response were I responding.

Which is to say that you're close to aiming right at people just like you, maybe. Is that what you *want* in a date? If so, great, you probably just need some tiny tweaks. If you're looking for someone pretty different from yourself, you may need to put a bit more work into signaling that.
posted by Stacey at 4:00 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]

Hello! I think your current profile photo really doesn't show how handsome you are. If you had to choose another photo as your profile photo, I would go with the one where you're holding the cup.

"Saying positive things about myself makes me want to tear my own face off" -- Please don't say this, it sounds self-hating and violent. Maybe you meant something like wanting to facepalm?

"Also, if you name a film I can probably tell you who directed it" -- I found this cool. And the six things made me laugh.

Really though, a good profile photo would make me read your entire profile. I read the whole thing by the way (except the section on favourite things) and you seem like a chill kinda guy. All the best.
posted by rozaine at 4:24 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks for the advice and kind words everyone!
posted by Chenko at 5:40 AM on August 11, 2016