I suck at vacation
August 8, 2016 10:10 AM Subscribe
It is a running joke that I suck at being on vacation. I'm going away this weekend and really want to not suck. Help.
Before you ask, yes I have anxiety and depression, and yes I am on medication and getting treatment for it. Well, technically I'm being treated for depression since my anxiety is a relatively new development and I haven't spoken to my doctor about it yet.
So vacation... I suck at it. The reasons are multi-leveled:
1. My anxiety is kept in check day to day through schedules and structure to my days. Vacation doesn't work that way.
2. I struggle with chaotic situations and situations that I perceive as high risk/high danger situations, and being deemed a "high risk" situation, sadly, is a pretty low bar. Exhibitions/fairs are major danger places for me that I simply cannot go to.
3. I generally get VERY uncomfortable when people are drinking alcohol around children, not just in terms of properly monitoring what they are doing but also having someone able to drive in case there is a hospital-worthy emergency. This leads me to not drink (making me a buzz kill) and spend the entire time watching all the kids to ensure safety. Once my vigilance has literally saved a damned life (someone's 2 year old almost drowned by being accidentally pinned under a floating mattress, and I was the only one who noticed and rescued her) and that has had the unfortunate effect of reaffirming my need to be on hyper alert.
4. Because I never get to imbibe when all the other adults seem to be (whether or not they are is a different matter), I get ... cranky. Or maybe a bit self-righteous. When people repeatedly offer me alcohol I eventually usually end up saying "I'm sorry but I don't feel it safe for every adult to be drinking alcohol when there are kids around.", which comes off probably pretty uppity and holier-than-thou, which isn't my intent. It is more a complaint that I had to be the one not to drink and pay attention.
5. I'm a step-mom and I am EXTRA fearful of having my step-son be injured in any way lest his bio-mom take any hurt as an excuse to flip out at us/me and try to file for full custody. I know that kids get hurt all the time, and that it is a normal part of being a kid, but his bio-mom isn't always the most rational or easy to deal with.
6. I'm a shitty sleeper, and not being well rested results in everything being SO MUCH WORSE. And I never sleep well while vacationing. Ever.
So that brings me to this weekend. The father of my kid's best friend has invited us out to his cottage on the lake for the weekend. Apparently it is awesome and wonderful and his kids always have a wonderful time. My husband is pumped and my kid is EXTREMELY excited to go. I've agreed but I am properly not looking forward to it just because I am worried about all the what-ifs, as per usual. My husband has done what he can to reassure me, but he also sincerely believes there is no problem with adults having a couple drinks while there are kids running around. He really wants me to be able to relax and for us to have a family vacation that we ALL enjoy, rather than one that just he and our kid enjoy while I stand around stressing out.
Obviously I could just not go, let the boys go on their own, but I do that too often and it isn't a good long term solution. I want to stop having to miss out on things.
So how do I let loose and just enjoy vacation? How do I become one of those parents who just trusts that their kid will be fine in (arguably) dangerous situations? Any suggestions?
Before you ask, yes I have anxiety and depression, and yes I am on medication and getting treatment for it. Well, technically I'm being treated for depression since my anxiety is a relatively new development and I haven't spoken to my doctor about it yet.
So vacation... I suck at it. The reasons are multi-leveled:
1. My anxiety is kept in check day to day through schedules and structure to my days. Vacation doesn't work that way.
2. I struggle with chaotic situations and situations that I perceive as high risk/high danger situations, and being deemed a "high risk" situation, sadly, is a pretty low bar. Exhibitions/fairs are major danger places for me that I simply cannot go to.
3. I generally get VERY uncomfortable when people are drinking alcohol around children, not just in terms of properly monitoring what they are doing but also having someone able to drive in case there is a hospital-worthy emergency. This leads me to not drink (making me a buzz kill) and spend the entire time watching all the kids to ensure safety. Once my vigilance has literally saved a damned life (someone's 2 year old almost drowned by being accidentally pinned under a floating mattress, and I was the only one who noticed and rescued her) and that has had the unfortunate effect of reaffirming my need to be on hyper alert.
4. Because I never get to imbibe when all the other adults seem to be (whether or not they are is a different matter), I get ... cranky. Or maybe a bit self-righteous. When people repeatedly offer me alcohol I eventually usually end up saying "I'm sorry but I don't feel it safe for every adult to be drinking alcohol when there are kids around.", which comes off probably pretty uppity and holier-than-thou, which isn't my intent. It is more a complaint that I had to be the one not to drink and pay attention.
5. I'm a step-mom and I am EXTRA fearful of having my step-son be injured in any way lest his bio-mom take any hurt as an excuse to flip out at us/me and try to file for full custody. I know that kids get hurt all the time, and that it is a normal part of being a kid, but his bio-mom isn't always the most rational or easy to deal with.
6. I'm a shitty sleeper, and not being well rested results in everything being SO MUCH WORSE. And I never sleep well while vacationing. Ever.
So that brings me to this weekend. The father of my kid's best friend has invited us out to his cottage on the lake for the weekend. Apparently it is awesome and wonderful and his kids always have a wonderful time. My husband is pumped and my kid is EXTREMELY excited to go. I've agreed but I am properly not looking forward to it just because I am worried about all the what-ifs, as per usual. My husband has done what he can to reassure me, but he also sincerely believes there is no problem with adults having a couple drinks while there are kids running around. He really wants me to be able to relax and for us to have a family vacation that we ALL enjoy, rather than one that just he and our kid enjoy while I stand around stressing out.
Obviously I could just not go, let the boys go on their own, but I do that too often and it isn't a good long term solution. I want to stop having to miss out on things.
So how do I let loose and just enjoy vacation? How do I become one of those parents who just trusts that their kid will be fine in (arguably) dangerous situations? Any suggestions?
Carry around a soda in a clear glass. If anyone offers you a drink, hold it up:
"I'm covered, thanks."
"Oh, what are you drinking there?"
"It's... mostly Coke." [wink]
his bio-mom isn't always the most rational or easy to deal with.
I got a lot better at dealing with my ex and my spouse's ex when I realized that they're going to be shitty to deal with no matter how perfect I am (literally, evidence of my not doing something stupid has been cited by them as proof that I would do something stupid if not for their haranguing, so they win anyway). So their reaction doesn't matter anymore.
posted by Etrigan at 10:23 AM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
"I'm covered, thanks."
"Oh, what are you drinking there?"
"It's... mostly Coke." [wink]
his bio-mom isn't always the most rational or easy to deal with.
I got a lot better at dealing with my ex and my spouse's ex when I realized that they're going to be shitty to deal with no matter how perfect I am (literally, evidence of my not doing something stupid has been cited by them as proof that I would do something stupid if not for their haranguing, so they win anyway). So their reaction doesn't matter anymore.
posted by Etrigan at 10:23 AM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
What level of intoxication are we talking about here? I could easily have a low-alcoholic drink (like a glass or wine or a beer) and be safe to take care of children, and my husband, who weighs more and has a higher alcohol tolerance all around, could have more than that. At the same time, an event where every adult was getting absoultely trashed and visibly inebriated around a group of children would indeed make me feel pretty uncomfortable and like this was not the safest situation (or the most mature group of people).
Keep in mind that one alcoholic beverage is not likely to make you a meaningfully less safe driver than, say, being really sleep deprived. Parents regularly care for newborns while very, very sleep deprived because there is no other option.
That said, I wonder if you can make a compromise with your husband, like he'll take one night off from drinking and stick to 2 beers the other evening?
I'd also suggest bringing ingredients to make a really yummy non-alcoholic drink (something like fruit-flavored ice tea or homemade soda or agua fresca or blueberry lemonade or cold brew iced coffee -- whatever you love). I have occasionally had to stop drinking because of a conflict with a medication, and I find I'm much crankier about it if I'm forced to drink water while everyone else has fancy, yummy drinks. Beverages don't need to make you drunk to be exciting and fancy and delicious, and so having a virgin mojito or whatever definitely makes me happier.
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:27 AM on August 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Keep in mind that one alcoholic beverage is not likely to make you a meaningfully less safe driver than, say, being really sleep deprived. Parents regularly care for newborns while very, very sleep deprived because there is no other option.
That said, I wonder if you can make a compromise with your husband, like he'll take one night off from drinking and stick to 2 beers the other evening?
I'd also suggest bringing ingredients to make a really yummy non-alcoholic drink (something like fruit-flavored ice tea or homemade soda or agua fresca or blueberry lemonade or cold brew iced coffee -- whatever you love). I have occasionally had to stop drinking because of a conflict with a medication, and I find I'm much crankier about it if I'm forced to drink water while everyone else has fancy, yummy drinks. Beverages don't need to make you drunk to be exciting and fancy and delicious, and so having a virgin mojito or whatever definitely makes me happier.
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:27 AM on August 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
1. Can you bring parts of your day like a meditation break or a favourite activity?
2. This sounds really hard, but maybe sit that trip out?
3. In most multi-parent groups I've been in we've had one or two people not drink overly much, but I think this is context-dependent. My husband and I have nights when we both drink enough at home that we wouldn't want to drive, but we are in an area where we could get a cab or an ambulance to the hospital easily. I think if this is the case for you, it really is okay to plan to get a cab or an ambulance. A cottage might not be that.
4. Well this is something you have to work out with your husband so you get a turn too. You do sound self-righteous. I wouldn't have any issue (and don't) with parents not drinking...I often am that parent. But I own my choice. Just say 'no thanks!'
5. This may make it really hard for your stepson, because you are putting the pressure on him when he is with you not to get hurt either. I get it; my first child died, I live in fear. But I try not to let that fear prevent my children from experiencing childhood and the blessings of a skinned knee so to speak.
6. The sleep issue is tough; can you take naps or structure other breaks into your day?
posted by warriorqueen at 10:28 AM on August 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
2. This sounds really hard, but maybe sit that trip out?
3. In most multi-parent groups I've been in we've had one or two people not drink overly much, but I think this is context-dependent. My husband and I have nights when we both drink enough at home that we wouldn't want to drive, but we are in an area where we could get a cab or an ambulance to the hospital easily. I think if this is the case for you, it really is okay to plan to get a cab or an ambulance. A cottage might not be that.
4. Well this is something you have to work out with your husband so you get a turn too. You do sound self-righteous. I wouldn't have any issue (and don't) with parents not drinking...I often am that parent. But I own my choice. Just say 'no thanks!'
5. This may make it really hard for your stepson, because you are putting the pressure on him when he is with you not to get hurt either. I get it; my first child died, I live in fear. But I try not to let that fear prevent my children from experiencing childhood and the blessings of a skinned knee so to speak.
6. The sleep issue is tough; can you take naps or structure other breaks into your day?
posted by warriorqueen at 10:28 AM on August 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Honestly, this trip does sound stressful to me. How well do you know the other family? I'd talk to your husband about drinking, and agree to spell each other off. I'd also bring a large book (not a screen! A real book) and lug it around. When you want to stop socializing, out comes the book.
As an introvert, I just got through a vacation like this with lovely people I barely know. At one point I was told I could stop watching the lake all the time, but I only did when my husband took over. So... Good luck!
posted by Valancy Rachel at 10:41 AM on August 8, 2016
As an introvert, I just got through a vacation like this with lovely people I barely know. At one point I was told I could stop watching the lake all the time, but I only did when my husband took over. So... Good luck!
posted by Valancy Rachel at 10:41 AM on August 8, 2016
I think parents needing a vacation after vacation is a joke for a reason--it's simply not as restful caring for kids as going for an adventure on your own. That being said, it sounds like a lot of your points involve wanting to drink and not being able to. Can your husband agree to take a turn at being the designated parent this weekend, and give you a chance for nap or sleeping in if either of those would help with your restfulness? Is he trying to help you have a good time or is he guilting you for staying home or not drinking (and wtf, I almost never drink, and anyone who is pushing and pushing is being incredibly rude.)
Another thing that we've had to figure out as a family is some ground rules for traveling. I imagine that the exact rules vary a lot depending on the people in the family, but ours include "anyone can nope out on anything and not feel guilty" and "the hungry or tired person gets to pick break times." Since it sounds like you feel like vacation time is out-of-control time, maybe having a few agreed-upon basics will help.
posted by tchemgrrl at 10:41 AM on August 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Another thing that we've had to figure out as a family is some ground rules for traveling. I imagine that the exact rules vary a lot depending on the people in the family, but ours include "anyone can nope out on anything and not feel guilty" and "the hungry or tired person gets to pick break times." Since it sounds like you feel like vacation time is out-of-control time, maybe having a few agreed-upon basics will help.
posted by tchemgrrl at 10:41 AM on August 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Your anxiety is a medical condition that you can't reason your way out of. You're already doing the best thing, which is to get medical treatment. It's just that mental illness is hard to treat.
It sounds to me like you might need some additional, in-the-moment coping mechanisms to help you de-escalate your anxiety when it starts to ramp up. Do you have any of these? Can you talk to your therapist about these, or other people with anxiety who have been successful in finding them?
Life is full of risks so there will always be a risk for you to fixate on. That's the really insidious thing; these are not dangers you've invented. But you're giving them too much weight, and it's causing you to miss out on the rewards (like a fun vacation).
Being self-righteous is probably not going to help; it sounds like you're also fixating on the "injustice" of being the only sober adult. But it's your anxiety, not other people, that is doing that to you. A couple of drinks is not going to compromise most people beyond being able to deal with an emergency. I wouldn't feel comfortable driving, but I could be relied on to call an ambulance or a cab. And I'm a total lightweight.
If you're at a remote location where ambulances and cabs aren't options, though, it really is a good idea to have someone who is capable of driving. Your husband should support you on this. You don't need alcohol to enjoy yourselves. You could even do something like making "dry" drinks -- even ones kids could do, like custom Italian sodas (i.e. not mock cocktails). There are lots of recipes online. That way you could lessen your anxiety around the alcohol issue without worrying about being the "killjoy."
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 10:42 AM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
It sounds to me like you might need some additional, in-the-moment coping mechanisms to help you de-escalate your anxiety when it starts to ramp up. Do you have any of these? Can you talk to your therapist about these, or other people with anxiety who have been successful in finding them?
Life is full of risks so there will always be a risk for you to fixate on. That's the really insidious thing; these are not dangers you've invented. But you're giving them too much weight, and it's causing you to miss out on the rewards (like a fun vacation).
Being self-righteous is probably not going to help; it sounds like you're also fixating on the "injustice" of being the only sober adult. But it's your anxiety, not other people, that is doing that to you. A couple of drinks is not going to compromise most people beyond being able to deal with an emergency. I wouldn't feel comfortable driving, but I could be relied on to call an ambulance or a cab. And I'm a total lightweight.
If you're at a remote location where ambulances and cabs aren't options, though, it really is a good idea to have someone who is capable of driving. Your husband should support you on this. You don't need alcohol to enjoy yourselves. You could even do something like making "dry" drinks -- even ones kids could do, like custom Italian sodas (i.e. not mock cocktails). There are lots of recipes online. That way you could lessen your anxiety around the alcohol issue without worrying about being the "killjoy."
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 10:42 AM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
Well, technically I'm being treated for depression since my anxiety is a relatively new development and I haven't spoken to my doctor about it yet.
You need to talk to your doctor about your anxiety and get treatment for it. I think all of your question needs to be read against the background that an exhibition or a fair is so stressful for you that you can't be around it. That suggests to me that your perceptions of danger are significantly different than the perceptions of the general population. It also makes me wonder about the accuracy of your other perceptions, like "Because I never get to imbibe when all the other adults seem to be (whether or not they are is a different matter)".
Others have suggested that your husband should offer to step in and be the "sober" parent -- has that happened before? Have you asked him? You describe his mentality as "he also sincerely believes there is no problem with adults having a couple drinks while there are kids running around." I totally agree with him. I have a problem with every adult being hammered when there are kids running around, but I have no problem with every adult at a BBQ having one cocktail.
posted by craven_morhead at 10:55 AM on August 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
You need to talk to your doctor about your anxiety and get treatment for it. I think all of your question needs to be read against the background that an exhibition or a fair is so stressful for you that you can't be around it. That suggests to me that your perceptions of danger are significantly different than the perceptions of the general population. It also makes me wonder about the accuracy of your other perceptions, like "Because I never get to imbibe when all the other adults seem to be (whether or not they are is a different matter)".
Others have suggested that your husband should offer to step in and be the "sober" parent -- has that happened before? Have you asked him? You describe his mentality as "he also sincerely believes there is no problem with adults having a couple drinks while there are kids running around." I totally agree with him. I have a problem with every adult being hammered when there are kids running around, but I have no problem with every adult at a BBQ having one cocktail.
posted by craven_morhead at 10:55 AM on August 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
Can you pretend your husband and kid went alone, only you also happen to be there? So you get to, say, schedule the morning for your own structure - meditate or whatever - while they do dad and kid stuff? And then get together for lunch, enjoy, maybe plan to join in for part of the afternoon, schedule a little time for yourself if need be, and then join everyone for dinner? Your husband has managed to keep this kid alive so far, and he'd have a great weekend doing so even if you weren't being vigilant.
Only in this case it could be an even better weekend for him because he also gets to spend some time with you.
Caveat: as others have noted, good cottage time is still work for the grown-ups, what with cooking and cleaning and all. So keep your expectations of Fun low, and simply aim for "less anxious".
posted by ldthomps at 11:07 AM on August 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Only in this case it could be an even better weekend for him because he also gets to spend some time with you.
Caveat: as others have noted, good cottage time is still work for the grown-ups, what with cooking and cleaning and all. So keep your expectations of Fun low, and simply aim for "less anxious".
posted by ldthomps at 11:07 AM on August 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Just to address the husband side of things...
I can't help but wonder what your husband is doing to support you here besides telling you to magically change your emotions.
He abstains when I ask him to and will remain sober, and while he doesn't pout about it I know full well that I am being a buzz kill for him when I ask him to, especially since we both know my fear and anxiety are not in line with the actual danger of the situation. I know he would prefer to have a few drinks, as would I, so I don't feel right about asking him to miss out on things just to indulge my (generally) irrational anxiety and fear. It isn't a request I make often, and it isn't a request I feel okay about making for this coming weekend.
Is he trying to help you have a good time or is he guilting you for staying home or not drinking
Definitely trying to help me have a good time. He knows that back before I was a step-mom I used to go on weekends like the one we're going on this weekend with just a group of friends and had a ton of fun every time. This weekend would have been right up my alley back in the day. The only difference is the presence of kids. He never guilts me for having to skip out on things that cause me too much anxiety. My anxiety isn't JUST around my kid's safety, I struggle on vacations that we take without our kid, but it is less during those times for sure.
Your husband has managed to keep this kid alive so far, and he'd have a great weekend doing so even if you weren't being vigilant.
This is what I need to keep reminding myself. He is a great dad (and great person in general) so I need to try to trust that he'd never allow our kid to be in a dangerous situation...
I didn't mention it, but maybe it is relevant... I was a camp counselor for 3 summers and half the staff blatantly shirked their responsibility and didn't watch the kids at all (ex. they chose to play cards at a picnic table when they were supposed to be supervising kids at a public park), leaving me and a handful of other counselors to be in charge of a huge number of kids. It was impossible and stressful.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:20 AM on August 8, 2016
I can't help but wonder what your husband is doing to support you here besides telling you to magically change your emotions.
He abstains when I ask him to and will remain sober, and while he doesn't pout about it I know full well that I am being a buzz kill for him when I ask him to, especially since we both know my fear and anxiety are not in line with the actual danger of the situation. I know he would prefer to have a few drinks, as would I, so I don't feel right about asking him to miss out on things just to indulge my (generally) irrational anxiety and fear. It isn't a request I make often, and it isn't a request I feel okay about making for this coming weekend.
Is he trying to help you have a good time or is he guilting you for staying home or not drinking
Definitely trying to help me have a good time. He knows that back before I was a step-mom I used to go on weekends like the one we're going on this weekend with just a group of friends and had a ton of fun every time. This weekend would have been right up my alley back in the day. The only difference is the presence of kids. He never guilts me for having to skip out on things that cause me too much anxiety. My anxiety isn't JUST around my kid's safety, I struggle on vacations that we take without our kid, but it is less during those times for sure.
Your husband has managed to keep this kid alive so far, and he'd have a great weekend doing so even if you weren't being vigilant.
This is what I need to keep reminding myself. He is a great dad (and great person in general) so I need to try to trust that he'd never allow our kid to be in a dangerous situation...
I didn't mention it, but maybe it is relevant... I was a camp counselor for 3 summers and half the staff blatantly shirked their responsibility and didn't watch the kids at all (ex. they chose to play cards at a picnic table when they were supposed to be supervising kids at a public park), leaving me and a handful of other counselors to be in charge of a huge number of kids. It was impossible and stressful.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:20 AM on August 8, 2016
Well, technically I'm being treated for depression since my anxiety is a relatively new development and I haven't spoken to my doctor about it yet.
Anxiety is its own thing and this sounds like textbook anxiety. And yeah sometimes when you have depression that is being well-managed anxiety can pop up as a bit of a side effect or maybe it was the issue all along.
Your hypervigilance sounds like someone who grew up in an unsafe household, possibly due to someone's drinking (this is me saying this as the person who IS THIS PERSON) and part of managing anxiety is being able to give yourself reality checks about what is normal. A drink or two is normal. People with or without a drink or two may STILL miss the kid under the floating mattress. Drunks may notice them. I think you can see how you're sort of scaffolding the "rationality" of your anxiety (and again i say this as love and as someone with anxiety) which is not helping you.
So what I hear you say is
- you resent not drinking
- you reset other adults for drinking
- you resent your kid's bio-mom
- you maybe resent your husband for not helping (and saying "feel different is not a great way to help TEAM US have a better time)
- you are hypervigilant and don't handle new situations well
- you like routines
- you have trouble with sleep
In the long run managing you anxiety will help with this. In the short term, I'd consider....
- not going, give hubs an IOU for family vacation at a later time
- going for a day and going home to sleep, hubs brings kid later
- getting sleeping pills so at least yo know you'll sleep (hey you're not drinking anyhow!)
- setting up a routine for yourself that other people do or do not need to be involved with
- being kind to yourself about your buzzkill nature and have a nice talk with your husband about how you are working on this but he is part of it and getting him to HELP not just wish it were different
Also, there's a big difference to "let's enjoy a vacation as a family" and "let's go to this beach house all together with other friends where we're sleep on a couch in the living room" or whatever. It's okay to make the goal the former and give yourself a lot of room before you want to willingly do the latter. Maybe your hubs prefers the latter, but it's not a "family vacation" per se.
Learn to be kind to yourself, wear a whistle or something and realize that the people there aren't just bad versions of you but people who have different ways of risk assessment. Maybe if you felt like PART OF IT but it was okay to be the way you were (paying attention, caring) but didn't see it in this comparative way (I care, they don't) you might be able to ease into your role at the thing better.
posted by jessamyn at 11:22 AM on August 8, 2016 [7 favorites]
Anxiety is its own thing and this sounds like textbook anxiety. And yeah sometimes when you have depression that is being well-managed anxiety can pop up as a bit of a side effect or maybe it was the issue all along.
Your hypervigilance sounds like someone who grew up in an unsafe household, possibly due to someone's drinking (this is me saying this as the person who IS THIS PERSON) and part of managing anxiety is being able to give yourself reality checks about what is normal. A drink or two is normal. People with or without a drink or two may STILL miss the kid under the floating mattress. Drunks may notice them. I think you can see how you're sort of scaffolding the "rationality" of your anxiety (and again i say this as love and as someone with anxiety) which is not helping you.
So what I hear you say is
- you resent not drinking
- you reset other adults for drinking
- you resent your kid's bio-mom
- you maybe resent your husband for not helping (and saying "feel different is not a great way to help TEAM US have a better time)
- you are hypervigilant and don't handle new situations well
- you like routines
- you have trouble with sleep
In the long run managing you anxiety will help with this. In the short term, I'd consider....
- not going, give hubs an IOU for family vacation at a later time
- going for a day and going home to sleep, hubs brings kid later
- getting sleeping pills so at least yo know you'll sleep (hey you're not drinking anyhow!)
- setting up a routine for yourself that other people do or do not need to be involved with
- being kind to yourself about your buzzkill nature and have a nice talk with your husband about how you are working on this but he is part of it and getting him to HELP not just wish it were different
Also, there's a big difference to "let's enjoy a vacation as a family" and "let's go to this beach house all together with other friends where we're sleep on a couch in the living room" or whatever. It's okay to make the goal the former and give yourself a lot of room before you want to willingly do the latter. Maybe your hubs prefers the latter, but it's not a "family vacation" per se.
Learn to be kind to yourself, wear a whistle or something and realize that the people there aren't just bad versions of you but people who have different ways of risk assessment. Maybe if you felt like PART OF IT but it was okay to be the way you were (paying attention, caring) but didn't see it in this comparative way (I care, they don't) you might be able to ease into your role at the thing better.
posted by jessamyn at 11:22 AM on August 8, 2016 [7 favorites]
It sounds like you can't relax because... you genuinely can't relax. You're still the one being responsible. (Granted, your anxiety is escalating the intensity beyond what's reasonable, but you're still feeling responsible.) Can you address that by handing responsibilities to others during vacation?
For example, can you bring an older cousin/friend (driving-age) along for the weekend to be the non-drinking kid-minder? That would free you and your husband up to relax a bit more. Maybe throw $150 toward the babysitter, but consider it spending $150 to reduce your anxiety and enjoy your vacation.
To your host, you can frame this as a mutually beneficial offer -- "Hey, I was thinking it would be great to have a babysitter along so that the adults can get a bit of a break! OK if I bring along my neighbor Charlie, who's sat for us before?"
posted by samthemander at 12:49 PM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
For example, can you bring an older cousin/friend (driving-age) along for the weekend to be the non-drinking kid-minder? That would free you and your husband up to relax a bit more. Maybe throw $150 toward the babysitter, but consider it spending $150 to reduce your anxiety and enjoy your vacation.
To your host, you can frame this as a mutually beneficial offer -- "Hey, I was thinking it would be great to have a babysitter along so that the adults can get a bit of a break! OK if I bring along my neighbor Charlie, who's sat for us before?"
posted by samthemander at 12:49 PM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
trusts that their kid will be fine in (arguably) dangerous situations?
Other than water is there something seriously dangerous about the area? (toddlers wading at night close to alligators) or regular youngsters that know how to swim having fun in a controlled environment? It is certainly not unreasonable to discuss water safety with both the family and the hosts. If they are canoeing out of sight requiring life jackets at all times just makes sense.
Also take a book and ask if they don't mind you taking a bit of reading time and perhaps positioning yourself where you can watch/hear the kids but not have to be constantly social.
Strategist without obsessing.
Sure sounds like it could be just a great weekend!
posted by sammyo at 3:09 PM on August 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Other than water is there something seriously dangerous about the area? (toddlers wading at night close to alligators) or regular youngsters that know how to swim having fun in a controlled environment? It is certainly not unreasonable to discuss water safety with both the family and the hosts. If they are canoeing out of sight requiring life jackets at all times just makes sense.
Also take a book and ask if they don't mind you taking a bit of reading time and perhaps positioning yourself where you can watch/hear the kids but not have to be constantly social.
Strategist without obsessing.
Sure sounds like it could be just a great weekend!
posted by sammyo at 3:09 PM on August 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't know, I think the drinking thing is a red herring, something you have latched onto as a logical reason for your irrational levels of anxiety. Wouldn't you be just as stressed if there wasn't any alcohol in the cottage at all?
A group of sort of secondary friends of mine have had regular lake house weekends for years, ever since college. A few years ago one of them came out as an alcoholic. Immediately the lake house weekends became dry. They all have a great time anyway, and our alcoholic friend appreciates it even though he never asked for it, and now that they've started having kids everyone feels good about there not being alcohol around for them to get into. I'm pretty sure none of them miss the beer and margaritas particularly (especially since a couple of them are great cooks who use it as a chance to experiment) and they all agreed to stay sober because they value their friend over their buzz.
But if you were to ask that this cottage weekend be dry for everyone and they agreed, would you manage to have a good time? I don't think you would. I think you would find something else for your anxiety to blossom from. Please don't read this as blaming you - I myself am diagnosed with anxiety and depression and medicated for them. I know how awful and frustrating it can be, how conniving your brain can get at finding something to ruin what should be a good time.
You might just have to step down your expectations for this trip, and focus on getting your anxiety wrangled afterwards. Plan on being anxious, plan on worrying, make a special vacation routine and stick to it, and have a good talk with your husband about how you need him to help you out because you know you're not going to do well on this trip. Maybe he can take responsibility for the kids' bedtime stuff, so you can have some extra decompression time in the evening? Maybe he can make sure everyone's got life jackets and safety gear etc and come proactively let you know?
The problems you describe are absolutely surmountable. Just not in the short term.
posted by Mizu at 8:32 PM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
A group of sort of secondary friends of mine have had regular lake house weekends for years, ever since college. A few years ago one of them came out as an alcoholic. Immediately the lake house weekends became dry. They all have a great time anyway, and our alcoholic friend appreciates it even though he never asked for it, and now that they've started having kids everyone feels good about there not being alcohol around for them to get into. I'm pretty sure none of them miss the beer and margaritas particularly (especially since a couple of them are great cooks who use it as a chance to experiment) and they all agreed to stay sober because they value their friend over their buzz.
But if you were to ask that this cottage weekend be dry for everyone and they agreed, would you manage to have a good time? I don't think you would. I think you would find something else for your anxiety to blossom from. Please don't read this as blaming you - I myself am diagnosed with anxiety and depression and medicated for them. I know how awful and frustrating it can be, how conniving your brain can get at finding something to ruin what should be a good time.
You might just have to step down your expectations for this trip, and focus on getting your anxiety wrangled afterwards. Plan on being anxious, plan on worrying, make a special vacation routine and stick to it, and have a good talk with your husband about how you need him to help you out because you know you're not going to do well on this trip. Maybe he can take responsibility for the kids' bedtime stuff, so you can have some extra decompression time in the evening? Maybe he can make sure everyone's got life jackets and safety gear etc and come proactively let you know?
The problems you describe are absolutely surmountable. Just not in the short term.
posted by Mizu at 8:32 PM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think you have to get over resenting other people for drinking while you aren't. You agree that your stance on drinking around kids is irrational, but then resent other people for drinking. They are not requiring you to stay sober, you are. If you choose to stay sober, that's on you. It's also perfectly possible to have a nice time without drinking. Tee-totallers, pregnant women and people on a restricted diet do it all the time. Do you use alcohol to reduce social anxiety? Or relax? (No judgement, I do too) Is that why you resent it so much?
I am assuming, though, that most of the people are drinking at driveable levels. If every adult is drinking at unsafe to drive levels (Australian guidelines: >1 drink per hour for women, 2 drinks for the first hour then 1 drink per hour for men), then I think that's a bad idea generally. Someone should be able to drive at all times, especially if you are somewhere isolated.
Hypervigilance with children around water is something that was trained into me as a swimming teacher. I imagine it's the same for you, and honestly, it may be hard to unlearn. Drowning can happen so fast and so quietly. Can your step son swim? If not, you should get him lessons ASAP.
posted by kjs4 at 8:40 PM on August 8, 2016
I am assuming, though, that most of the people are drinking at driveable levels. If every adult is drinking at unsafe to drive levels (Australian guidelines: >1 drink per hour for women, 2 drinks for the first hour then 1 drink per hour for men), then I think that's a bad idea generally. Someone should be able to drive at all times, especially if you are somewhere isolated.
Hypervigilance with children around water is something that was trained into me as a swimming teacher. I imagine it's the same for you, and honestly, it may be hard to unlearn. Drowning can happen so fast and so quietly. Can your step son swim? If not, you should get him lessons ASAP.
posted by kjs4 at 8:40 PM on August 8, 2016
Please talk to your doctor about your anxiety immediately. This is a treatable condition, and there is no reason for you to live with this.
I am also wondering about the treatment you are getting for your depression. Are you seeing a therapist who could help you manage your anxiety too? Are you taking an antidepressant? Some of them can cause anxiety in some people. You mentioned that the anxiety is new, which makes me think that it may be a side effect of your medication. Wellbutrin/bupropion is famous for this.
All the more reason to discuss this with your doctor.
posted by islandeady at 9:02 PM on August 8, 2016
I am also wondering about the treatment you are getting for your depression. Are you seeing a therapist who could help you manage your anxiety too? Are you taking an antidepressant? Some of them can cause anxiety in some people. You mentioned that the anxiety is new, which makes me think that it may be a side effect of your medication. Wellbutrin/bupropion is famous for this.
All the more reason to discuss this with your doctor.
posted by islandeady at 9:02 PM on August 8, 2016
Just adding to the gentle reminders that this is anxiety speaking, not reality - I grew up in a family without a car. My parents didn't drink much, but at no point at all during my childhood were they ever in a position to drive us to hospital. That's what ambulances are for. I realise it's slightly different to be out in the wilds, but people take trips to remote places all the time without being in easy reach of a car, and they sometimes do it with children (or, if they're in the states, drive through remote places where even with a car they're a long way from medical assistance).
Our brains are insanely good at rationalising anxiety and believing utterly the lies that it tells us, until we're totally exhausted by its impossible demands.
posted by penguin pie at 4:26 AM on August 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Our brains are insanely good at rationalising anxiety and believing utterly the lies that it tells us, until we're totally exhausted by its impossible demands.
posted by penguin pie at 4:26 AM on August 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: You mentioned that the anxiety is new, which makes me think that it may be a side effect of your medication. Wellbutrin/bupropion is famous for this.
Interestingly enough I AM on wellbutrin, and a very high dosage of it. However I have been on it for close to a decade, and it has only been the past year or two that my anxiety has ramped up to this now life-impacting shitty level. Not saying it isn't the meds, it very possibly is, but it does seem a bit weird for a side effect to only kick in after taking the med for 8 years. I will absolutely talk to my doctor about it, but that likely won't be possible until after the vacation since we're leaving in 2 days. However, the idea of having to switch meds (which requires weaning off my current meds) is more than a little anxiety inducing...
ANYWAY! I appreciate all the advice and suggestions. I think the "pretend they went on vacation without you but then you just happen to be there anyway" suggestion is a particularly good one, as well as trying to remind myself that my concern and worry is more about the anxiety than the actual danger. I'm sure I'm going to still worry and be anxious and have a difficult time of things, but maybe it won't be as bad as all that...
And yes, I will be making an appointment to see my doctor ASAP.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:22 AM on August 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
Interestingly enough I AM on wellbutrin, and a very high dosage of it. However I have been on it for close to a decade, and it has only been the past year or two that my anxiety has ramped up to this now life-impacting shitty level. Not saying it isn't the meds, it very possibly is, but it does seem a bit weird for a side effect to only kick in after taking the med for 8 years. I will absolutely talk to my doctor about it, but that likely won't be possible until after the vacation since we're leaving in 2 days. However, the idea of having to switch meds (which requires weaning off my current meds) is more than a little anxiety inducing...
ANYWAY! I appreciate all the advice and suggestions. I think the "pretend they went on vacation without you but then you just happen to be there anyway" suggestion is a particularly good one, as well as trying to remind myself that my concern and worry is more about the anxiety than the actual danger. I'm sure I'm going to still worry and be anxious and have a difficult time of things, but maybe it won't be as bad as all that...
And yes, I will be making an appointment to see my doctor ASAP.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:22 AM on August 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Update: The vacation sucked so hard I barely have the words. I was sincerely living in my own personal hell where every possible trigger I have was being hit, right down to repetitive noise/music and loud volumes. I muscled through as best I could and faked it well (apparently) but it was pretty miserable. Had one time when I had to actually remove myself from the environment because I was starting to feel so panicked that I was worried I was going to have a full blown panic attack. My husband did what he could for me, taking me for frequent "drives" where I could just cry or get some silence or whatever, taking me for private walks along the beach to give me a break, etc but really... it was miserable. But I survived and my kid had the absolute time of his life so it was worth it I suppose. I'll never do it again, but I'm glad he had that experience. He'll never know what I went through in order to give him that experience, he'll only ever have good memories from it and the knowledge that I was there too, so I'm calling it a win...
Have since seen my doctor, burst into tears as soon as she asked how I was doing. Anyway, she kept me on the welbutrin but has added Celexa to see if that doesn't boost me up that extra bit and dull out my anxiety. Only been on it a week and no changes yet apart from an upset stomach, except that I didn't cry yesterday which is the first day I haven't cried in a long time. Coincidence or drugs, who knows. I have to go back in a month for her to see how I'm doing.
Anyway, thanks for people's help.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:11 AM on August 24, 2016
Have since seen my doctor, burst into tears as soon as she asked how I was doing. Anyway, she kept me on the welbutrin but has added Celexa to see if that doesn't boost me up that extra bit and dull out my anxiety. Only been on it a week and no changes yet apart from an upset stomach, except that I didn't cry yesterday which is the first day I haven't cried in a long time. Coincidence or drugs, who knows. I have to go back in a month for her to see how I'm doing.
Anyway, thanks for people's help.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:11 AM on August 24, 2016
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