Feeling confused about family tension
July 28, 2016 5:07 PM Subscribe
My parents devote a lot of time and travel to seeing my younger sister's family, and very little to seeing mine. I'm feeling resentful and confused over how unbalanced everything seems. I want my parents to be actively involved in the future of my immediate family, but it feels like we're always going to get table scraps of the time and attention that they give to my sister's family. Do I even have a right to be upset about this? How can I talk about it with them?
A couple of years ago, I discovered that my parents have been doing a lot more to help my sister and her husband than I had thought. My dad would come to their house regularly to do odd jobs and maintenance. He also picked up their babysitter every morning on the way to work, and my parents regularly gave them money to pay bills. They also did the more common grandparents stuff that I already knew about, such as keeping their kids for at least one night every week. I didn't get too upset about any of this, telling myself that my parents had the right to do whatever they wanted with their own time and money.
To give everyone some background, I've been living with my girlfriend and her child for the past several years. (My parents have been very welcoming to my girlfriend and her child, treating them as full family members, so I really don't think the underlying issue here is that my sister is in a traditional family structure and I'm not.) My sister has been married for about eight years, and she has one pre-school aged child and one toddler. My parents are near retirement, and as far as I know they are in good financial shape.
My sister and I have almost no relationship in the sense that we don't make an effort to speak to each other outside of birthdays and family events. I'm not sure why this is. We grew up in a loving, stable home, and I didn't pick up on any favoritism when we were both kids. I don't have anything against my sister as a person, and I'm not sure what she could have against me. I've tried to be more in touch with her in the past by sending facebook messages and texting, but her lack of responses sent me a pretty clear message that she just wasn't interested in that kind of relationship with me. I've basically given up on things being any different. I can't really imagine my sister's family making future trips to see "Uncle Chuck" and the cousins, or vice-versa, and that makes me sad.
I started to get more affected by all the support that my parents give my sister after she moved away from our hometown about a year ago. I've since found out that my parents are making a twelve hour round trip every other week to see my sister and spend time with her kids. Our dad has had back issues for a long time, and this is pretty much the opposite of what would be good for his back. It's common for my parents to drive down to see my sister, spend the weekend with her while babysitting for her two kids, and then offer to spend an hour or so getting lunch with my family on their way back because we live in a city that's on their route back home. It makes me feel jealous to know that my parents will spend considerable time and money to see my sister, but will only fit me and my family in as a pit stop on their way back home.
The last time that I went back to my hometown to see my parents, I was surprised by how much they seemed to have aged in a short time. It really seemed like doing all this stuff for my sister was taking a physical toll on them. I told my mom that I was concerned that they might be doing too much for my sister, that I wanted them to spend their upcoming retirement having fun and focusing on themselves, and that my sister and I were both adults who could take care of ourselves. My mom replied that my sister was "not like you" and "needed a lot of help." I'm not sure why my parents would think that my sister is so incapable of handling her own financial and parenting responsibilities, given that she's a very intelligent person with an advanced degree who's never had trouble finding and keeping a well-paying job in her field. To be fair, my sister's family is facing financial difficulties because of some bad decisions my brother-in-law has made in his career.
My parents will be selling their house in a few years. They have told me that they plan to move away from our hometown when this happens. I've let them know several times that I'd like for them to move to the city where I live now so that I can see more of them and they can spend time with my family. I'm worried that this isn't going to happen, and that instead they will move to the city where my sister lives and spend all of their time and effort with her family. I miss my parents, and I don't want to go the rest of my life seeing them once every several months, which is the status quo.
I'm feeling very confused about all of this for a number of reasons. Is it wrong of me to feel resentful about how my parents choose to spend their own money and time? Is this just about my sister being in a situation where she really does need help (two young kids, spouse with an unstable employment history) while I'm not? Should I just let all this go and accept it as a crappy thing that's not going to change now that I've said my piece to mom and she's given me her justification for all the help my sister is getting? I feel as though I am being penalized for being responsible and putting off some major life goals (having my own biological child, buying a house) until I can afford them on my own.
My parents will be making one of their "pit stop" visits to see me on their way back from my sister's place in a few weeks. What (if anything) do all of you think that I should say about the situation?
A couple of years ago, I discovered that my parents have been doing a lot more to help my sister and her husband than I had thought. My dad would come to their house regularly to do odd jobs and maintenance. He also picked up their babysitter every morning on the way to work, and my parents regularly gave them money to pay bills. They also did the more common grandparents stuff that I already knew about, such as keeping their kids for at least one night every week. I didn't get too upset about any of this, telling myself that my parents had the right to do whatever they wanted with their own time and money.
To give everyone some background, I've been living with my girlfriend and her child for the past several years. (My parents have been very welcoming to my girlfriend and her child, treating them as full family members, so I really don't think the underlying issue here is that my sister is in a traditional family structure and I'm not.) My sister has been married for about eight years, and she has one pre-school aged child and one toddler. My parents are near retirement, and as far as I know they are in good financial shape.
My sister and I have almost no relationship in the sense that we don't make an effort to speak to each other outside of birthdays and family events. I'm not sure why this is. We grew up in a loving, stable home, and I didn't pick up on any favoritism when we were both kids. I don't have anything against my sister as a person, and I'm not sure what she could have against me. I've tried to be more in touch with her in the past by sending facebook messages and texting, but her lack of responses sent me a pretty clear message that she just wasn't interested in that kind of relationship with me. I've basically given up on things being any different. I can't really imagine my sister's family making future trips to see "Uncle Chuck" and the cousins, or vice-versa, and that makes me sad.
I started to get more affected by all the support that my parents give my sister after she moved away from our hometown about a year ago. I've since found out that my parents are making a twelve hour round trip every other week to see my sister and spend time with her kids. Our dad has had back issues for a long time, and this is pretty much the opposite of what would be good for his back. It's common for my parents to drive down to see my sister, spend the weekend with her while babysitting for her two kids, and then offer to spend an hour or so getting lunch with my family on their way back because we live in a city that's on their route back home. It makes me feel jealous to know that my parents will spend considerable time and money to see my sister, but will only fit me and my family in as a pit stop on their way back home.
The last time that I went back to my hometown to see my parents, I was surprised by how much they seemed to have aged in a short time. It really seemed like doing all this stuff for my sister was taking a physical toll on them. I told my mom that I was concerned that they might be doing too much for my sister, that I wanted them to spend their upcoming retirement having fun and focusing on themselves, and that my sister and I were both adults who could take care of ourselves. My mom replied that my sister was "not like you" and "needed a lot of help." I'm not sure why my parents would think that my sister is so incapable of handling her own financial and parenting responsibilities, given that she's a very intelligent person with an advanced degree who's never had trouble finding and keeping a well-paying job in her field. To be fair, my sister's family is facing financial difficulties because of some bad decisions my brother-in-law has made in his career.
My parents will be selling their house in a few years. They have told me that they plan to move away from our hometown when this happens. I've let them know several times that I'd like for them to move to the city where I live now so that I can see more of them and they can spend time with my family. I'm worried that this isn't going to happen, and that instead they will move to the city where my sister lives and spend all of their time and effort with her family. I miss my parents, and I don't want to go the rest of my life seeing them once every several months, which is the status quo.
I'm feeling very confused about all of this for a number of reasons. Is it wrong of me to feel resentful about how my parents choose to spend their own money and time? Is this just about my sister being in a situation where she really does need help (two young kids, spouse with an unstable employment history) while I'm not? Should I just let all this go and accept it as a crappy thing that's not going to change now that I've said my piece to mom and she's given me her justification for all the help my sister is getting? I feel as though I am being penalized for being responsible and putting off some major life goals (having my own biological child, buying a house) until I can afford them on my own.
My parents will be making one of their "pit stop" visits to see me on their way back from my sister's place in a few weeks. What (if anything) do all of you think that I should say about the situation?
If it were me, I would ask my parents for what I wanted (a closer relationship with them, more time with them), not complain or try to control their relationship with my sister. It's totally possible she's getting more of their time and attention because she's simply asking them for help.
posted by lazuli at 5:23 PM on July 28, 2016 [57 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 5:23 PM on July 28, 2016 [57 favorites]
My mom replied that my sister was "not like you" and "needed a lot of help."
You can try talking to them, but you should go into it understanding that There Is Something Going On that you don't know about.
Now, it might just be that they have decided you are the one who does not need help and she is the one who does. I'm going to guess, though, that your sister is not actually as well or as functional as you have decided she is. Since you have no relationship with her, you don't know what the inside of her life looks like. (And you don't seem to really have much understanding of how hard - physically, psychologically, financially - it is having small children even if you are operating at full capacity, much less if there is a physical or emotional issue in play.)
Whatever it is, it's bad enough to age your parents visibly in a short period of time.
I would strongly suggest that if you want to approach your mom, you do it with at least a little bit of an open mind, rather than deciding you are the one with the hardship. It's fine if you want to tell her, "I want to have more of a relationship with you, is that something you want? Can we work on this?" It is also fine to say, "Mom, is there something going on I need to know about?" though you are not owed information about your sister. But no, you do not get to decide how they behave.
There are very likely things you can do to improve the situation for yourself, but they will require work and understanding and some empathy.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:27 PM on July 28, 2016 [31 favorites]
You can try talking to them, but you should go into it understanding that There Is Something Going On that you don't know about.
Now, it might just be that they have decided you are the one who does not need help and she is the one who does. I'm going to guess, though, that your sister is not actually as well or as functional as you have decided she is. Since you have no relationship with her, you don't know what the inside of her life looks like. (And you don't seem to really have much understanding of how hard - physically, psychologically, financially - it is having small children even if you are operating at full capacity, much less if there is a physical or emotional issue in play.)
Whatever it is, it's bad enough to age your parents visibly in a short period of time.
I would strongly suggest that if you want to approach your mom, you do it with at least a little bit of an open mind, rather than deciding you are the one with the hardship. It's fine if you want to tell her, "I want to have more of a relationship with you, is that something you want? Can we work on this?" It is also fine to say, "Mom, is there something going on I need to know about?" though you are not owed information about your sister. But no, you do not get to decide how they behave.
There are very likely things you can do to improve the situation for yourself, but they will require work and understanding and some empathy.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:27 PM on July 28, 2016 [31 favorites]
Grandkids are a huge thing to people as they grow older. As an example, my wife went to visit her family in Japan with our kids last year (3 and 1 at the time). My mother-in-law ended up buying plane tickets and coming back with them to help out on the airplane and spend more time with them. This was a big expense and inconvenience for my in-laws but they just decided to do it. There may have been some evening out in play as their other child (my brother-in-law) lives close to them and they help out with his family all the time (which makes my wife a bit jealous). If you do end up having kids then it is very possible that your parents' trips would even out as well.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 5:28 PM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 5:28 PM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
This is probably about the grandkids.
Grandparents often feel like they have some responsibility for their grandchildren's well-being, separately from the responsibility they feel towards the adult children themselves. That is likely what's going on with your sister's family -- they might well be taking a less active role if it was just her and her husband having money trouble, but when their grandchildren are
involved, they may feel like they can't just sit back and watch. Conversely, even if they love him/her, they may feel unsure about what their relationship with your girlfriend's child should be.
You live with your girlfriend's child, but do you have a parental relationship with him/her? If so, do your parents understand that?
Are you, your girlfriend, and her child's father comfortable with your parents having a grandparental relationship with the child? If so, do your parents understand that?
It's absolutely understandable for you to feel hurt that they seem to want to have a grandparents-as-part-of-the-immediate-family relationship with your sister's household but not with yours, but they may genuinely not understand that you want that. I'd suggest that you talk about this with them in terms of wanting to foster that relationship, not in terms of what they're doing for your sister.
Another reason to have this conversation now: if you do have a baby, I have a feeling your parents will spontaneously become much more involved -- and that could potentially be really painful to your girlfriend's child.
posted by ostro at 5:54 PM on July 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
Grandparents often feel like they have some responsibility for their grandchildren's well-being, separately from the responsibility they feel towards the adult children themselves. That is likely what's going on with your sister's family -- they might well be taking a less active role if it was just her and her husband having money trouble, but when their grandchildren are
involved, they may feel like they can't just sit back and watch. Conversely, even if they love him/her, they may feel unsure about what their relationship with your girlfriend's child should be.
You live with your girlfriend's child, but do you have a parental relationship with him/her? If so, do your parents understand that?
Are you, your girlfriend, and her child's father comfortable with your parents having a grandparental relationship with the child? If so, do your parents understand that?
It's absolutely understandable for you to feel hurt that they seem to want to have a grandparents-as-part-of-the-immediate-family relationship with your sister's household but not with yours, but they may genuinely not understand that you want that. I'd suggest that you talk about this with them in terms of wanting to foster that relationship, not in terms of what they're doing for your sister.
Another reason to have this conversation now: if you do have a baby, I have a feeling your parents will spontaneously become much more involved -- and that could potentially be really painful to your girlfriend's child.
posted by ostro at 5:54 PM on July 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
It sounds like your sister has some stuff she is struggling with that you, because you are not close, don't know about. In fact, you may be not-close because she's ashamed to let put-together you know how not-put-together she is.
" I feel as though I am being penalized for being responsible and putting off some major life goals (having my own biological child, buying a house) until I can afford them on my own."
This is literally one of the oldest sibling/parent dynamics in the world, so common it pops up in myth and scripture; parents focus their attention where help is needed, and the responsible sibling feels penalized for being responsible. It's a totally fair and normal thing to feel that is literally as old as mankind. But it's also pretty poisonous for the responsible sibling, and nothing is gained by it -- I say that as the (frequently) responsible sibling myself. The best thing you can do, IMO, is try to have compassion for your parents and your sister, and understand how responsible a parent feels to help the child who needs it most, and how ashamed your sister may feel to need that help. You may have to give up more than your "fair share" of time and attention, but you're not losing their love for you or pride in you. (I give you the links because, personally, I found it very comforting to know that responsible siblings have struggled with these feelings of jealousy and anger since time immemorial, and it helped me be less-angry about it.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:56 PM on July 28, 2016 [39 favorites]
" I feel as though I am being penalized for being responsible and putting off some major life goals (having my own biological child, buying a house) until I can afford them on my own."
This is literally one of the oldest sibling/parent dynamics in the world, so common it pops up in myth and scripture; parents focus their attention where help is needed, and the responsible sibling feels penalized for being responsible. It's a totally fair and normal thing to feel that is literally as old as mankind. But it's also pretty poisonous for the responsible sibling, and nothing is gained by it -- I say that as the (frequently) responsible sibling myself. The best thing you can do, IMO, is try to have compassion for your parents and your sister, and understand how responsible a parent feels to help the child who needs it most, and how ashamed your sister may feel to need that help. You may have to give up more than your "fair share" of time and attention, but you're not losing their love for you or pride in you. (I give you the links because, personally, I found it very comforting to know that responsible siblings have struggled with these feelings of jealousy and anger since time immemorial, and it helped me be less-angry about it.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:56 PM on July 28, 2016 [39 favorites]
My family does this. It hurts, sometimes. I deal with it by making it clear how hurtful it is that when I need help (aka 'please look after my kid I have a work thing and you have been complaining about seeing her') they um and ah and complain about the effort at the same time they drive an hour or more round trip to pick up my brother's kids so he and his partner can have a weekend to party on their own. I make the difference I see very clear, and how it impacts that initial complaint about me not spending time with them a hollow one. I try not to frame it as 'you owe me more time and energy', just that it hurts my feelings and makes me sad when it happens.
It has changed somewhat, but the fact remains that I am an adult, I project sensibility and I am the the last priority for 'helping out' because of that independence. I don't call my parents for help about stuff, I just handle it, and so they see it as me not needing them as much. My SIL has called my mother in a panic because her kids spilled milk down a fancy couch. The last time I called my mother in a state was because I was ill and delirious with a fever and I called her because I couldn't remember how to deal with a flat tyre (it was over a decade ago). So even though I have dealt with significant mental health and physical health problems in the past three years, while doing a PhD, while working, while raising a kid, while dealing with some shitty in-law situations, I don't project 'needing help' because I don't panic. This is also a thing I deal with in my marriage so some of it is definitely about me and my communications, but some is about the family structure. I'm the eldest girl, same with my ma, so we're just the ones who cope. That's our lot.
But I would suggest that there are things going on with your sister you are unaware of. I know for my brother and his family they deal with a lot more stuff than me and my family, some of which I know about, some of which I don't. The help they have gotten, and do get, has meant a lot more to them in terms of getting jobs and growing up and things like that.
I would also suggest making efforts to have relationships outside that family one. I have some good supports that aren't family, or aren't immediate family, that mean it stings a little less when I find out I've been overlooked again. My partner doesn't, and hasn't, so when his family ignore him (usually a punishment type situation rather than actually triage though), it hurts him a lot more.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:59 PM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
It has changed somewhat, but the fact remains that I am an adult, I project sensibility and I am the the last priority for 'helping out' because of that independence. I don't call my parents for help about stuff, I just handle it, and so they see it as me not needing them as much. My SIL has called my mother in a panic because her kids spilled milk down a fancy couch. The last time I called my mother in a state was because I was ill and delirious with a fever and I called her because I couldn't remember how to deal with a flat tyre (it was over a decade ago). So even though I have dealt with significant mental health and physical health problems in the past three years, while doing a PhD, while working, while raising a kid, while dealing with some shitty in-law situations, I don't project 'needing help' because I don't panic. This is also a thing I deal with in my marriage so some of it is definitely about me and my communications, but some is about the family structure. I'm the eldest girl, same with my ma, so we're just the ones who cope. That's our lot.
But I would suggest that there are things going on with your sister you are unaware of. I know for my brother and his family they deal with a lot more stuff than me and my family, some of which I know about, some of which I don't. The help they have gotten, and do get, has meant a lot more to them in terms of getting jobs and growing up and things like that.
I would also suggest making efforts to have relationships outside that family one. I have some good supports that aren't family, or aren't immediate family, that mean it stings a little less when I find out I've been overlooked again. My partner doesn't, and hasn't, so when his family ignore him (usually a punishment type situation rather than actually triage though), it hurts him a lot more.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:59 PM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Remember too help doesn't always come evenly at the same time. Right now your sister needs help, do you actually need help or are just a bit bummed because she's getting more of their time? Over a lifetime the sort of love & support of families your parents are showing shift around to different family members when & as needed. You say you are distant from your sister, do you even know why they are helping her? Have you asked them? Have you offered to help?
If you want to be involved with your parents maybe ask how you can help them help your sister. You would remove some of the stress & get to spend more time with them. It might also help you get closer to your sister. Do it without keeping score or expecting equal anything, do it because that's what family does. Some time in your future, no matter how well you think you have your life together, your time to need help from your family will come & I would bet ever cent I have that your parents would drop everything to help you as they are your sister.
posted by wwax at 6:00 PM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
If you want to be involved with your parents maybe ask how you can help them help your sister. You would remove some of the stress & get to spend more time with them. It might also help you get closer to your sister. Do it without keeping score or expecting equal anything, do it because that's what family does. Some time in your future, no matter how well you think you have your life together, your time to need help from your family will come & I would bet ever cent I have that your parents would drop everything to help you as they are your sister.
posted by wwax at 6:00 PM on July 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Your sister needs help; and your sister has their grandchildren. I don't mean to be hurtful, but it is just not reasonable to expect people to feel the same kinship with, and responsibility for, their kid's girlfriend's kid as they do towards their own grandchildren.
If you miss your parents, go visit them; but please don't try to browbeat them into pretending your girlfriend's daughter is their grandchild, and please don't assume that you know what your sister's life is like.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:03 PM on July 28, 2016 [19 favorites]
If you miss your parents, go visit them; but please don't try to browbeat them into pretending your girlfriend's daughter is their grandchild, and please don't assume that you know what your sister's life is like.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:03 PM on July 28, 2016 [19 favorites]
Another thing a friend taught me, sitting in a hotel late at night discussing all of these little things, is that Simpsons quote "stupid babies need the MOST love!" - not that your sister is a stupid baby (we were using it to reference our own tendency to deny our needs because we're ashamed for having them) but that there are times where shit is not equal and the time people need the most help and love is usually at a time that it is hardest to give it.
Or the Leela quote: "you wouldn't accept my help when you didn't need it, so why should I give it to you now when you do?". Things aren't linear, and if someone is in crisis then making sure you spend time equally distributed is inefficient and usually detrimental to everyone involved.
As much as it stings that my parents don't do those little things, I also know that for one of their own siblings that they saw rarely, they built a house on their property when they needed somewhere to live. I know that if I really really needed the help, they'd be there. It sucks that it takes a crisis, but it sounds like that's what your sister is dealing with, so it can make sense.
posted by geek anachronism at 6:05 PM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Or the Leela quote: "you wouldn't accept my help when you didn't need it, so why should I give it to you now when you do?". Things aren't linear, and if someone is in crisis then making sure you spend time equally distributed is inefficient and usually detrimental to everyone involved.
As much as it stings that my parents don't do those little things, I also know that for one of their own siblings that they saw rarely, they built a house on their property when they needed somewhere to live. I know that if I really really needed the help, they'd be there. It sucks that it takes a crisis, but it sounds like that's what your sister is dealing with, so it can make sense.
posted by geek anachronism at 6:05 PM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
It sounds like you would like a better relationship with your sister, yes? I would suggest that, rather than going the text/FB route, which as a busy parent of young children it may be very easy for her to let tail off, you actually visit her city. Stay in a hotel, so she isn't overwhelmed, but take the family out to dinner. And offer to take the little ones to McDonald's or some other low-intensity activity so they can hang out with their cousin.
This may give you some insight into what's going on with your sister. I agree with everyone above who says that you may not be aware of some burdens she's carrying. She may not feel close enough to you to "trouble" you with her problems. That's something it takes two to work on. A better relationship overall may also make it easier for you to accept what appears to be a disparity of resources and attention from your parents.
posted by praemunire at 6:26 PM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
This may give you some insight into what's going on with your sister. I agree with everyone above who says that you may not be aware of some burdens she's carrying. She may not feel close enough to you to "trouble" you with her problems. That's something it takes two to work on. A better relationship overall may also make it easier for you to accept what appears to be a disparity of resources and attention from your parents.
posted by praemunire at 6:26 PM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Your best route here is probably to leave your sister out of it and just focus on the relationship you would like for your family to have with your parents. You would like to see more of them. You would like to talk about the possibility of them moving to your city. You love them and you miss them.
I would try leading with that and see where it takes you. Your parents may need you to actually say those things out loud in order to understand that just because you are The Stable Kid doesn't mean you don't feel a lack of them in your life.
I would not have this conversation during the one hour you're going to see them, on their way back from a weekend trip that sounds like it's exhausting for them. Maybe you need to make a special trip to see them for this conversation, or maybe it's something you can do by phone, but hitting them with this heavy conversation when they're tired and overextended and you have a time limit on your discussion doesn't seem likely to get you the results you're after.
Hopefully that will get you partway to where you want to be. For the rest, you may just need to accept that there are likely things you do not know about your sister's life, but that even the basics you do know suggest that she really does need more help than you do right now. That may not always be the case, but right now it is what it is. It's normal that you would feel some resentment about that, but to whatever extent you can let that go, it's probably the best route to a happier you and perhaps better family relationships all around.
posted by Stacey at 6:51 PM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
I would try leading with that and see where it takes you. Your parents may need you to actually say those things out loud in order to understand that just because you are The Stable Kid doesn't mean you don't feel a lack of them in your life.
I would not have this conversation during the one hour you're going to see them, on their way back from a weekend trip that sounds like it's exhausting for them. Maybe you need to make a special trip to see them for this conversation, or maybe it's something you can do by phone, but hitting them with this heavy conversation when they're tired and overextended and you have a time limit on your discussion doesn't seem likely to get you the results you're after.
Hopefully that will get you partway to where you want to be. For the rest, you may just need to accept that there are likely things you do not know about your sister's life, but that even the basics you do know suggest that she really does need more help than you do right now. That may not always be the case, but right now it is what it is. It's normal that you would feel some resentment about that, but to whatever extent you can let that go, it's probably the best route to a happier you and perhaps better family relationships all around.
posted by Stacey at 6:51 PM on July 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'm going to say it could be otherwise. Are you actually parenting your girlfriend's child as a dad? Or is this a shared custody where you aren't a main caregiver, so they don't have a grandparent role? If you have created a non-traditional family and included them but they aren't making an effort to be involved, then they don't see that child as a grandchild, and you have to have a talk with them if you want them to be grandparents. I have grandparents who treat my adopted and biological kids differently and it is brutal on the kids when they realise. They need a parent to stand up for them at least and say hey, that isn't fair.
There may be way more going on in your sister's life, and it is definitely worth making a generous open effort for at least 3-6 months to get that relationship stronger. Visit their town, get the cousins together, call her regularly. It's definitely worth trying because a good sibling relationship is so so worth it in adulthood.
But she may be a highly needy person who depend on your parents and is not interested in a relationship with your or your family, and who won't share your parents' attention and time. It's not a competition at all, but she may view it as one, and if you find out that she does, and that she is "the winner" of mom and dad's love, quietly concentrate on getting one on one time with them with your family by your own effort then.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 8:43 PM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
There may be way more going on in your sister's life, and it is definitely worth making a generous open effort for at least 3-6 months to get that relationship stronger. Visit their town, get the cousins together, call her regularly. It's definitely worth trying because a good sibling relationship is so so worth it in adulthood.
But she may be a highly needy person who depend on your parents and is not interested in a relationship with your or your family, and who won't share your parents' attention and time. It's not a competition at all, but she may view it as one, and if you find out that she does, and that she is "the winner" of mom and dad's love, quietly concentrate on getting one on one time with them with your family by your own effort then.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 8:43 PM on July 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
It sounds like something is indeed going on with your sister beyond the poor financial decisions her husband made that you're not privy to. I'm sorry she's decided she doesn't want a relationship with you; that stuff hurts.
If your parents won't prioritize visiting you and your family because you aren't in crisis, how about going to visit them? If they're really elderly and the commute and childcare they're doing to help your sister's family is taking a visible toll on them, I'm sure they could use some help and downtime around the house. Maybe you could bring your partner and her (your?) child to have some bonding time with the grandparents. Go to the mountain if it won't come to you.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 9:53 PM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
If your parents won't prioritize visiting you and your family because you aren't in crisis, how about going to visit them? If they're really elderly and the commute and childcare they're doing to help your sister's family is taking a visible toll on them, I'm sure they could use some help and downtime around the house. Maybe you could bring your partner and her (your?) child to have some bonding time with the grandparents. Go to the mountain if it won't come to you.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 9:53 PM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
They've been involved with their grandkids' lives for their entire lives. They probably consider themselves part of the primary care team for those kids. They've known them since they were born (and the parents of the mother often bond earlier with grandkids than the parents of the father, because the mother generally spends more time with the newborn and feels more comfortable with her own family than her inlaws). To suddenly disappear from their lives would be irresponsible.
posted by kjs4 at 10:05 PM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by kjs4 at 10:05 PM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Hm, I wonder if your parents are fairly traditional? If so, they may see daughters as needing help no matter how old they get (especially if their husbands aren't solid providers) and sons as more independent/self-sufficient. They may actually be expecting you to help them, especially if your father has a bad back.
I feel like you might want to shift from seeing yourself as someone who wants to be nurtured, into being someone who nurtures others. Your sister may or may not need you. But if your parents are burning themselves out supporting her, they actually may. So if I were you, I'd consider going down for a weekend visit, and then kind of being experimentally helpful with, I don't know, cleaning the eavestroughs or whatever. If they seem to really respond to it, there's your answer.
And then that would be a good path forward. You'd get to see your parents, your sister would get the help she needs, your parents would be grateful and not burned out: everybody wins.
posted by Susan PG at 10:08 PM on July 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
I feel like you might want to shift from seeing yourself as someone who wants to be nurtured, into being someone who nurtures others. Your sister may or may not need you. But if your parents are burning themselves out supporting her, they actually may. So if I were you, I'd consider going down for a weekend visit, and then kind of being experimentally helpful with, I don't know, cleaning the eavestroughs or whatever. If they seem to really respond to it, there's your answer.
And then that would be a good path forward. You'd get to see your parents, your sister would get the help she needs, your parents would be grateful and not burned out: everybody wins.
posted by Susan PG at 10:08 PM on July 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
I don't have much input on the rest of this, but regarding
I can't really imagine my sister's family making future trips to see "Uncle Chuck" and the cousins, or vice-versa, and that makes me sad
I think someone's got to make the first move, right? If your place is more or less on your parents' route, you could offer to join them next time they go see your sister (an additional advantage is that you can help out with the driving). Obviously suggest this to your sister beforehand. Do it once in a not-too-long while, develop a somewhat closer relationship with your nieces/nephews and then see where you want to go from there.
For working out what you'd really like to see happen in the longer run (beyond having your parents spend less time with her, which seems unlikely and not the best thing to hope for) it's probably important to factor in your girlfriend's kid's age, how far away you live from all of the people in question (could you be a central meeting point? invite your parents to stay the night?), and how much you're willing to put in for what you want to get out of your family relationships.
About them moving to live closer to her, that actually sounds like a great solution for them, unless you think your sister's family won't be providing them with support as they age.
posted by trig at 5:15 AM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
I can't really imagine my sister's family making future trips to see "Uncle Chuck" and the cousins, or vice-versa, and that makes me sad
I think someone's got to make the first move, right? If your place is more or less on your parents' route, you could offer to join them next time they go see your sister (an additional advantage is that you can help out with the driving). Obviously suggest this to your sister beforehand. Do it once in a not-too-long while, develop a somewhat closer relationship with your nieces/nephews and then see where you want to go from there.
For working out what you'd really like to see happen in the longer run (beyond having your parents spend less time with her, which seems unlikely and not the best thing to hope for) it's probably important to factor in your girlfriend's kid's age, how far away you live from all of the people in question (could you be a central meeting point? invite your parents to stay the night?), and how much you're willing to put in for what you want to get out of your family relationships.
About them moving to live closer to her, that actually sounds like a great solution for them, unless you think your sister's family won't be providing them with support as they age.
posted by trig at 5:15 AM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
This:
I feel as though I am being penalized for being responsible and putting off some major life goals (having my own biological child, buying a house) until I can afford them on my own.
You're not married. You don't have children. Your financial situation is sound. They want grand-children. You don't need your parents. Your sister does. That's how they see it.
posted by Kwadeng at 5:37 AM on July 29, 2016 [10 favorites]
I feel as though I am being penalized for being responsible and putting off some major life goals (having my own biological child, buying a house) until I can afford them on my own.
You're not married. You don't have children. Your financial situation is sound. They want grand-children. You don't need your parents. Your sister does. That's how they see it.
posted by Kwadeng at 5:37 AM on July 29, 2016 [10 favorites]
You may not be like this, but if you're anything like the children in my family, YOU make the effort to see your parents. Not vice versa. This is true even for the men: even if their wives, girlfriends and/or children are not interested in going to Grandparents' house every week, the sons go. SOMEONE goes.
You see them ageing? YOU ask THEM what YOU can do to help - that will bring you closer to you AND them.
Take some responsibility and initiative for this yourself. It will empower you instead of letting you settle into toxic jealousy.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 7:45 AM on July 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
You see them ageing? YOU ask THEM what YOU can do to help - that will bring you closer to you AND them.
Take some responsibility and initiative for this yourself. It will empower you instead of letting you settle into toxic jealousy.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 7:45 AM on July 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
I speak as a grandmother. My grandchildren are so precious to me...I would do anything to make their lives easier/happier. I do help my daughter and her family out more than my son's family (although he and his wife have two of my dear grandchildren). My daughter needs the help more than my son does (at least financially).
On the other hand, my daughter calls me regularly and asks me to come visit and I know I can drop in at her house anytime I'm in the neighborhood. (Both families live about 20 minutes from my house.) My son (or his wife) only ask me to come over when they need a babysitter. When I call to ask if it's convenient to visit them, I usually get "we're going to be gone" or "we have other plans." They seem to be very accessible to her parents...but not to me (I was a single mother).
I try very hard to treat all the grandchildren the same. I buy four of things (three of these are girls, one is a boy) when I get treats for any of them. I invite them to swim at my house anytime. I make sure nonbirthday children get tiny gifts when we're celebrating one of the children's birthdays.
I love my children and I love my grandchildren...but my daughter makes it so easy to see/play with her children and sometimes I feel like a convenience to my son.
posted by byjingo! at 10:30 AM on July 29, 2016 [9 favorites]
On the other hand, my daughter calls me regularly and asks me to come visit and I know I can drop in at her house anytime I'm in the neighborhood. (Both families live about 20 minutes from my house.) My son (or his wife) only ask me to come over when they need a babysitter. When I call to ask if it's convenient to visit them, I usually get "we're going to be gone" or "we have other plans." They seem to be very accessible to her parents...but not to me (I was a single mother).
I try very hard to treat all the grandchildren the same. I buy four of things (three of these are girls, one is a boy) when I get treats for any of them. I invite them to swim at my house anytime. I make sure nonbirthday children get tiny gifts when we're celebrating one of the children's birthdays.
I love my children and I love my grandchildren...but my daughter makes it so easy to see/play with her children and sometimes I feel like a convenience to my son.
posted by byjingo! at 10:30 AM on July 29, 2016 [9 favorites]
This is a tough dynamic to navigate, so I feel for you. I have some similar things going on in my family, and it's been that way since I was a kid. My older brother got more tangible support because he needed it, and I got along fine without as much. Of course now we're adults and things are pretty good between us, but there's still some roughness because of the different ways my parents treated us. This was totally exacerbated when my brother had a kid, but I think it also reflected existing dynamics. (Though introducing grandkids into the mix does make some people go crazy. My dad really has no life outside his grandson now.)
First of all, as a product of being the more independent, responsible kid I don't really ask my parents for stuff or keep them in the loop on day to day things. When we bought our house, we told them after the fact somewhat because we didn't want their help with it. When I left home it was clear I was never coming home, and I was the first person in my family to leave our hometown. It's been a decade and I'm never moving back, so I sort of accept I have to make more of an effort to see my folks and my brother and his family.
Second, you need to figure out what kind of relationship you want with your folks and your sister. It would be great if your parents treated you both fairly, but I don't know many families where that's totally feasible. It used to really bother me how much support (financial, emotional, logistical) my brother get from my brother. It was rough, but I also realized I don't want that relationship with them. I like my independence. I like my distance. Understanding that they had a different relationship dynamic because that's what they wanted has helped me not only accept it, but be happier around them.
There are still times when I feel they are crossing boundaries and sometimes they do things that sting, but I let them know that. Most of the time they don't realize that I cared because I'm not around and they assumed I didn't. I had to do the work on my end to figure out what I actually wanted and then how to communicate and execute that. As I mentioned above, it took time and work for me to get there but it really helped me have a better relationship with my brother. It's not his fault our parents treat him that way.
So I would suggest trying to talk to your parents about it, or take actions to get more into their fabric and make an effort to be a part of their lives. Then it will be easier for them to be a part of yours (if you want that).
posted by sock potato at 10:32 AM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
First of all, as a product of being the more independent, responsible kid I don't really ask my parents for stuff or keep them in the loop on day to day things. When we bought our house, we told them after the fact somewhat because we didn't want their help with it. When I left home it was clear I was never coming home, and I was the first person in my family to leave our hometown. It's been a decade and I'm never moving back, so I sort of accept I have to make more of an effort to see my folks and my brother and his family.
Second, you need to figure out what kind of relationship you want with your folks and your sister. It would be great if your parents treated you both fairly, but I don't know many families where that's totally feasible. It used to really bother me how much support (financial, emotional, logistical) my brother get from my brother. It was rough, but I also realized I don't want that relationship with them. I like my independence. I like my distance. Understanding that they had a different relationship dynamic because that's what they wanted has helped me not only accept it, but be happier around them.
There are still times when I feel they are crossing boundaries and sometimes they do things that sting, but I let them know that. Most of the time they don't realize that I cared because I'm not around and they assumed I didn't. I had to do the work on my end to figure out what I actually wanted and then how to communicate and execute that. As I mentioned above, it took time and work for me to get there but it really helped me have a better relationship with my brother. It's not his fault our parents treat him that way.
So I would suggest trying to talk to your parents about it, or take actions to get more into their fabric and make an effort to be a part of their lives. Then it will be easier for them to be a part of yours (if you want that).
posted by sock potato at 10:32 AM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Is it wrong of me to feel resentful about how my parents choose to spend their own money and time?
Yup
Is this just about my sister being in a situation where she really does need help (two young kids, spouse with an unstable employment history) while I'm not?
Yup
I have a lot of siblings, so maybe my expectations of things being "even" is less entrenched. But you're an adult, the're adults, it's their time and money. You don't need their help, your sister seems to. Seems really open and shut.
If you want something from them, ask for it.
posted by French Fry at 10:46 AM on July 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yup
Is this just about my sister being in a situation where she really does need help (two young kids, spouse with an unstable employment history) while I'm not?
Yup
I have a lot of siblings, so maybe my expectations of things being "even" is less entrenched. But you're an adult, the're adults, it's their time and money. You don't need their help, your sister seems to. Seems really open and shut.
If you want something from them, ask for it.
posted by French Fry at 10:46 AM on July 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
My parents have been very welcoming to my girlfriend and her child, treating them as full family members, so I really don't think the underlying issue here is that my sister is in a traditional family structure and I'm not.
Apart from this sentence, everything else in your post points to the opposite being true. I'm sorry, but your parents are highly likely to be concentrating on your sister and their grandchildren, not your partner's kid. If you separate from your partner, the child will likely disappear from their lives. If your sister separates from hers, their grandchildren will always need their support. Little bit sucky, but that's where it is likely to be.
Also, of course, you don't need the help that she does. You should feel proud of that, not resentful, if you can.
My parents did the same, finally leaving houses to the two daughters in our family who were flakes and nothing to the kids who had got their lives together. It was only a surprise to the flakes, not to the rest of us. We can look after our own kids perfectly well.
If you want more contact I think you're going to have to make it, either with your sister or with your parents. But at least you get the choice whether to make that contact since you're in control of your own life.
posted by tillsbury at 1:24 PM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Apart from this sentence, everything else in your post points to the opposite being true. I'm sorry, but your parents are highly likely to be concentrating on your sister and their grandchildren, not your partner's kid. If you separate from your partner, the child will likely disappear from their lives. If your sister separates from hers, their grandchildren will always need their support. Little bit sucky, but that's where it is likely to be.
Also, of course, you don't need the help that she does. You should feel proud of that, not resentful, if you can.
My parents did the same, finally leaving houses to the two daughters in our family who were flakes and nothing to the kids who had got their lives together. It was only a surprise to the flakes, not to the rest of us. We can look after our own kids perfectly well.
If you want more contact I think you're going to have to make it, either with your sister or with your parents. But at least you get the choice whether to make that contact since you're in control of your own life.
posted by tillsbury at 1:24 PM on July 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by stormygrey at 5:21 PM on July 28, 2016 [30 favorites]