How do I quit when my boss will take it very personally?
July 24, 2016 11:23 PM Subscribe
A few months ago I took a new job in a new field for me. Because I can't cope with my boss and her management style, I have decided to give notice tomorrow. I cannot stay, but the thought of actually telling her tomorrow that I am resigning, and then having to ride out the next two weeks in the office, has me breaking out in a cold sweat even now. How do I do this?
Two additional complications: 1) my boss states that I have been doing a great job and seems to be thrilled with my performance, and 2) this coming Friday we are launching a big project that I have been working on since I came aboard. These factors, plus the other issues I have with her management, are making me so wary of tomorrow that I have been feeling sick all day.
As you might have gathered, I am a conflict averse and anxious person. In previous jobs, these personality traits have not been a problem - I have found it easy to get along with both peers and superiors, and I have never had any problems in any workplace. With my current job, however, my anxiety is through the roof. I find myself coughing nearly to the point of throwing up. I am crying in the mornings, going off to quietly cry in the bathrooms, and, most embarrassingly, could not prevent myself from crying in front of my co-workers last week. I have been meditating and exercising, and I have seen my doctor to up my anti-depressants, but these have not not improved anything.
I work in a small office, with 2 co-workers and my boss, who is in and out. We had another person working remotely, her last day was this past Friday. My co-workers are very sympathetic - they were shielded from much direct interaction with the boss by our former co-worker, but also have some similar experiences and are stressed out, but not to the degree that I am.
My jobs is to supervise several small businesses that my boss owns. Each is failing and struggling in its own way, including one she launched a few weeks ago, and one we will launch this coming Friday. She wants each business to be my top priority, and she wants them all to be either opened or revamped simultaneously. However, she does not communicate what she has planned or what she wants, but is then frustrated when no business is moving forward in the direction she desires. One of the ways in which her frustration manifests itself is to then throw up an arbitrary deadline that we then scramble to meet in a half-assed fashion. This leads to further frustration on her part and more arbitrary deadlines. It also leads to 12+ hour days and working on weekends.
All of this is also very stressful for her, I don't doubt, but the stress manifests itself in her shouting or barking at me, telling me that I should "know everything," and not letting me complete a sentence when I am trying to update her on progress in any area. Instead, she interrupts me and starts to shout about lack of communication or how incompetent people are. Most of this is not directed at me personally, but at the individual business managers, but I am now at the point were I dread giving her updates or status reports. When I speak with a business manager about a situation and work with them to have achieve a resolution, I am wary about reporting on the situation, because more likely then not she will interrupt me halfway through, call the manager herself and start shouting at them for minutes at a time. Then, her bile seemingly spent, she will end the phone call on an upbeat note, while I am wishing myself to the bottom of the ocean. Not surprisingly, there is a lot of turnover at the businesses she owns.
Yesterday I had a 13-hour day supporting a pre-launch event ahead of opening day for one of new businesses. She was very pleased with how it went, and kept telling me how I was "a rock" through this whole process and how grateful she was for the work that I have been doing. But these feelings of gratitude did not stop her from snapping at me and talking to me like a dog when issues that I have been asking about for weeks arose again right before the event. At that point, she finally gave me the information I needed so I could address and resolve the problem. Then afterwards she was grateful and effusive in her thanks, but I don't need thanks, I just need a boss who can act professionally and provide leadership at all times, not just when she is in a good mood.
I have "coaching" meetings with my boss' spouse, where I am told I need to "manage up" and praise my boss when she does not fly off the handle. That is not a skill that I have, and one I don't think I can manage to learn in this environment, when I feel like I am working with an angry chaos bomb. I really feel like this job would be a great opportunity for a better, stronger person who could distance themselves from this chaos emotionally and not take it so personally. I have been trying so hard to make myself into that better person. But all I do is wake up in the middle of the night with endless to-do lists in my head and cry a lot. I have lost 10+ pounds since I began here because I am too busy and too nervous to eat. I feel disgusted with myself that I am squandering this chance, but I cannot continue like this. Since I can go back to my previous work without much problem, that is what I plan to do. But all of the above makes me dread announcing that I am leaving.
When my former co-worker, whose last day was this past Friday, announced she was leaving, the reaction of my boss and her spouse was not good, and there were a lot of uncomfortable meetings and lunches about this person choosing to leave and what a terrible betrayal this is. This despite the fact that my co-worker gave several weeks notice. How do I gird my loins to weather this kind of behavior? Especially with this new business launching soon, my boss will take this very personally and she will view it as coming from out of the blue. I just want to blame my departure on this position not being a good fit for me, but I fear she will want to drill down on my specific reasons for leaving, and I don't want to get into either her behavior or my extreme reactions to it. How do I exit as gracefully as possible with what remains for my nerves intact?
Two additional complications: 1) my boss states that I have been doing a great job and seems to be thrilled with my performance, and 2) this coming Friday we are launching a big project that I have been working on since I came aboard. These factors, plus the other issues I have with her management, are making me so wary of tomorrow that I have been feeling sick all day.
As you might have gathered, I am a conflict averse and anxious person. In previous jobs, these personality traits have not been a problem - I have found it easy to get along with both peers and superiors, and I have never had any problems in any workplace. With my current job, however, my anxiety is through the roof. I find myself coughing nearly to the point of throwing up. I am crying in the mornings, going off to quietly cry in the bathrooms, and, most embarrassingly, could not prevent myself from crying in front of my co-workers last week. I have been meditating and exercising, and I have seen my doctor to up my anti-depressants, but these have not not improved anything.
I work in a small office, with 2 co-workers and my boss, who is in and out. We had another person working remotely, her last day was this past Friday. My co-workers are very sympathetic - they were shielded from much direct interaction with the boss by our former co-worker, but also have some similar experiences and are stressed out, but not to the degree that I am.
My jobs is to supervise several small businesses that my boss owns. Each is failing and struggling in its own way, including one she launched a few weeks ago, and one we will launch this coming Friday. She wants each business to be my top priority, and she wants them all to be either opened or revamped simultaneously. However, she does not communicate what she has planned or what she wants, but is then frustrated when no business is moving forward in the direction she desires. One of the ways in which her frustration manifests itself is to then throw up an arbitrary deadline that we then scramble to meet in a half-assed fashion. This leads to further frustration on her part and more arbitrary deadlines. It also leads to 12+ hour days and working on weekends.
All of this is also very stressful for her, I don't doubt, but the stress manifests itself in her shouting or barking at me, telling me that I should "know everything," and not letting me complete a sentence when I am trying to update her on progress in any area. Instead, she interrupts me and starts to shout about lack of communication or how incompetent people are. Most of this is not directed at me personally, but at the individual business managers, but I am now at the point were I dread giving her updates or status reports. When I speak with a business manager about a situation and work with them to have achieve a resolution, I am wary about reporting on the situation, because more likely then not she will interrupt me halfway through, call the manager herself and start shouting at them for minutes at a time. Then, her bile seemingly spent, she will end the phone call on an upbeat note, while I am wishing myself to the bottom of the ocean. Not surprisingly, there is a lot of turnover at the businesses she owns.
Yesterday I had a 13-hour day supporting a pre-launch event ahead of opening day for one of new businesses. She was very pleased with how it went, and kept telling me how I was "a rock" through this whole process and how grateful she was for the work that I have been doing. But these feelings of gratitude did not stop her from snapping at me and talking to me like a dog when issues that I have been asking about for weeks arose again right before the event. At that point, she finally gave me the information I needed so I could address and resolve the problem. Then afterwards she was grateful and effusive in her thanks, but I don't need thanks, I just need a boss who can act professionally and provide leadership at all times, not just when she is in a good mood.
I have "coaching" meetings with my boss' spouse, where I am told I need to "manage up" and praise my boss when she does not fly off the handle. That is not a skill that I have, and one I don't think I can manage to learn in this environment, when I feel like I am working with an angry chaos bomb. I really feel like this job would be a great opportunity for a better, stronger person who could distance themselves from this chaos emotionally and not take it so personally. I have been trying so hard to make myself into that better person. But all I do is wake up in the middle of the night with endless to-do lists in my head and cry a lot. I have lost 10+ pounds since I began here because I am too busy and too nervous to eat. I feel disgusted with myself that I am squandering this chance, but I cannot continue like this. Since I can go back to my previous work without much problem, that is what I plan to do. But all of the above makes me dread announcing that I am leaving.
When my former co-worker, whose last day was this past Friday, announced she was leaving, the reaction of my boss and her spouse was not good, and there were a lot of uncomfortable meetings and lunches about this person choosing to leave and what a terrible betrayal this is. This despite the fact that my co-worker gave several weeks notice. How do I gird my loins to weather this kind of behavior? Especially with this new business launching soon, my boss will take this very personally and she will view it as coming from out of the blue. I just want to blame my departure on this position not being a good fit for me, but I fear she will want to drill down on my specific reasons for leaving, and I don't want to get into either her behavior or my extreme reactions to it. How do I exit as gracefully as possible with what remains for my nerves intact?
I'd think a little bit about what you want and is most important. Is it important to you to work those next 2 weeks (ie, will it affect the work of your coworkers or some project you care about?) Ask yourself those questions.
I'd also think about what you would need to make it livable for the next 2 weeks, and then make a plan.
I am also very confrontational-avoidant, although I've improved a small amount of the years, but here are two things that I've done to leave. This is why I would think what you want becaues they are different types of approaches:
1) Type out a letter tonight (just 2 sentences with the date of your last day, resignation, signature.). Go in tomorrow. Make an appointment with your boss. Go in with the letter. They usually get it pretty quickly when they see something in your hand (even if you say little to nothing). Then if they try to coerce you/howl/apocalypse/whatever - don't provide any details. You have thought about it, this is not a good fit, and that's it. If I were in your shoes, I would also say due to schedule conflicts, you can only do a 40 hour week for the next 2 weeks until you leave (and give the hours you will be there). I know this will sound odd, but as a non-confrontational person, it is getting a little back for yourself (and practicing for the next person). At this point, it shouldn't matter - what is the worst that will happen other than you will be asked to leave and you are already leaving. But to be honest, the moment you give notice ...everything becomes more relaxing - you can see the end of the tunnel, you can joke and go out with coworkers, etc.
2) I know some people will disagree with this, but I've done if for one horrible job (and your job is beyond horrible). Go in, give notice, effective immediately (okay, even though I did that, I would do it in a different manner in the future and I've seen others do this) - send in an email, or contact HR, and give notice, effective immediately. Because here is the thing: Would you want this person as a reference? Would you work there again? Honestly, it gives you peace of mind and for 2 weeks, you can get your mentai health back, and then go to your previous work place. Never list this place as a workplace assuming you have been there briefly.
Good luck, this will end soon. Seriously, congrats for leaving this - so many people stay through this and it is not worth it.
posted by Wolfster at 11:51 PM on July 24, 2016 [9 favorites]
I'd also think about what you would need to make it livable for the next 2 weeks, and then make a plan.
I am also very confrontational-avoidant, although I've improved a small amount of the years, but here are two things that I've done to leave. This is why I would think what you want becaues they are different types of approaches:
1) Type out a letter tonight (just 2 sentences with the date of your last day, resignation, signature.). Go in tomorrow. Make an appointment with your boss. Go in with the letter. They usually get it pretty quickly when they see something in your hand (even if you say little to nothing). Then if they try to coerce you/howl/apocalypse/whatever - don't provide any details. You have thought about it, this is not a good fit, and that's it. If I were in your shoes, I would also say due to schedule conflicts, you can only do a 40 hour week for the next 2 weeks until you leave (and give the hours you will be there). I know this will sound odd, but as a non-confrontational person, it is getting a little back for yourself (and practicing for the next person). At this point, it shouldn't matter - what is the worst that will happen other than you will be asked to leave and you are already leaving. But to be honest, the moment you give notice ...everything becomes more relaxing - you can see the end of the tunnel, you can joke and go out with coworkers, etc.
2) I know some people will disagree with this, but I've done if for one horrible job (and your job is beyond horrible). Go in, give notice, effective immediately (okay, even though I did that, I would do it in a different manner in the future and I've seen others do this) - send in an email, or contact HR, and give notice, effective immediately. Because here is the thing: Would you want this person as a reference? Would you work there again? Honestly, it gives you peace of mind and for 2 weeks, you can get your mentai health back, and then go to your previous work place. Never list this place as a workplace assuming you have been there briefly.
Good luck, this will end soon. Seriously, congrats for leaving this - so many people stay through this and it is not worth it.
posted by Wolfster at 11:51 PM on July 24, 2016 [9 favorites]
I have "coaching" meetings with my boss' spouse, where I am told I need to "manage up" and praise my boss when she does not fly off the handle.
What in the what now?!? If you need some outside reassurance on this point, this is craziness. The problem is not that you are not a "better" person.
I think you should be prepared to be ordered off the premises. Whatever personal things you may have in your office, get them out beforehand. Then, be prepared to lie a little. If you refuse to explain, she will likely hound you mercilessly. If you give any explanation that depends on circumstances she might be able to influence, she may pick at you about letting her influence them. So you need something neutral.
You may or may not be able to rely on her for a recommendation in the future, no matter what you do. So at a certain point you may well just have to give up and let the bridge burn.
posted by praemunire at 1:03 AM on July 25, 2016 [17 favorites]
What in the what now?!? If you need some outside reassurance on this point, this is craziness. The problem is not that you are not a "better" person.
I think you should be prepared to be ordered off the premises. Whatever personal things you may have in your office, get them out beforehand. Then, be prepared to lie a little. If you refuse to explain, she will likely hound you mercilessly. If you give any explanation that depends on circumstances she might be able to influence, she may pick at you about letting her influence them. So you need something neutral.
You may or may not be able to rely on her for a recommendation in the future, no matter what you do. So at a certain point you may well just have to give up and let the bridge burn.
posted by praemunire at 1:03 AM on July 25, 2016 [17 favorites]
I left a job very much like this recently, it was similar right down to the language of 'betrayal' of people leaving, and so on. Don't expect a reference, you're not likely to get one, no matter how you leave.
There's no angle in staying in a job that makes you cry. You're not overreacting, this is almost the case example for this song to exist.
Is there a *reason* you need to work the two weeks, I mean, that's not a sense of loyalty to your bosses? I didn't give two weeks' notice, I had a meeting, said I wasn't happy, and walked out, and it was one of the best things I've done for decades.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 1:16 AM on July 25, 2016 [6 favorites]
There's no angle in staying in a job that makes you cry. You're not overreacting, this is almost the case example for this song to exist.
Is there a *reason* you need to work the two weeks, I mean, that's not a sense of loyalty to your bosses? I didn't give two weeks' notice, I had a meeting, said I wasn't happy, and walked out, and it was one of the best things I've done for decades.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 1:16 AM on July 25, 2016 [6 favorites]
You have a launch this week? Perfect, you'll be there for it, as well as a week afterward in order to have a smooth handoff. She chooses who of your co-workers gets this one, and she'll divvy up your remaining responsibilities as well. Sure, she'll have to do the work, but that's part of being the boss.
posted by rhizome at 1:55 AM on July 25, 2016
posted by rhizome at 1:55 AM on July 25, 2016
Consider talking to the spouse first. They have vested interest in keeping her calm. Type out a two sentence resignation letter, take it with you as proof that your resignation is non-negotiable, and ask the spouse for suggestions on how to reduce the fall out.
Note - this could backfire and he could also go off on you, and they might both decide you're extra evil for suggesting that your boss needs handling. You're probably the best person to judge this. taff's suggestion to lie might be the best option.
posted by kjs4 at 2:05 AM on July 25, 2016
Note - this could backfire and he could also go off on you, and they might both decide you're extra evil for suggesting that your boss needs handling. You're probably the best person to judge this. taff's suggestion to lie might be the best option.
posted by kjs4 at 2:05 AM on July 25, 2016
Agree with praemunire: there's a good chance you'll be ordered off the property on the spot, so plan ahead.
In order, do this:
1. Remove all personal property from your desk, clear all personal info off your company computer and phone: get everything down to your car keys and coffee mug.
2. THEN turn in your resignation letter; keep it brief: "please accept my resignation from X Company, effective (date)". Never put an explanation in writing.
3. If Boss or her husband start yelling, WALK OUT.
Please don't worry if she DOES 'take it personally", you are not required to stay as her personal punching bag and serf, and she'd certainly fire you without warning if she felt like it!
posted by easily confused at 3:58 AM on July 25, 2016 [20 favorites]
In order, do this:
1. Remove all personal property from your desk, clear all personal info off your company computer and phone: get everything down to your car keys and coffee mug.
2. THEN turn in your resignation letter; keep it brief: "please accept my resignation from X Company, effective (date)". Never put an explanation in writing.
3. If Boss or her husband start yelling, WALK OUT.
Please don't worry if she DOES 'take it personally", you are not required to stay as her personal punching bag and serf, and she'd certainly fire you without warning if she felt like it!
posted by easily confused at 3:58 AM on July 25, 2016 [20 favorites]
This job would not be an amazing opportunity for 'a better person.' This lady is insane and her businesses are failing. She sucks and the job sucks and it has nothing to do with YOU being 'too anxious.'
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:45 AM on July 25, 2016 [27 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:45 AM on July 25, 2016 [27 favorites]
Best answer: Nthing prepare to leave on the spot. If there's no legal reason to give two weeks' notice (as in, if it's not stipulated as a condition in your contract or by local employment law), don't.
I would just say "I found a better opportunity" and leave it at that. I've had to do this, btw. I just kept repeating myself and nodding matter-of-factly. There's nothing they can do or say. Which doesn't mean she won't say something; she probably will try asking questions, dropping remarks meant to ping sore spots, etc. The important thing is that you will know in your bones with the sole response "I found a better opportunity" that there is no more you need to say. The relief will come after the fact if/when she responds badly. In the moment it won't be easy, but treat it like a mantra and you'll get through. There's no need to say you'll miss the place. There is no need to explain anything at all. She won't do anything with it. You already know that; so trust what you know. Leave aside your (wonderful) conscience that wants things to get better, temporarily. Your conscience will thank you afterwards. I know that sounds paradoxical. But it will.
I strongly disagree with expressing reasons to anyone at all. Look at it this way: others may bear the fallout. It was another reason I found it easy to stick to my mantra; I knew that if I said anything else, other people would be called to explain themselves. I.e. they'll go to others you've worked with and try "are YOU thinking of leaving because of X, Y, Z reasons?! Did you talk with maker of pork sausages?! What did YOU think of working with maker of pork sausages!!?? Oh, really!! You thought their pork sausages weren't perfect!! HA!!! HA, HA!!!! *takes notes furiously*"
Also nthing that this:
I have "coaching" meetings with my boss' spouse, where I am told I need to "manage up" and praise my boss when she does not fly off the handle. That is not a skill that I have, and one I don't think I can manage to learn in this environment, when I feel like I am working with an angry chaos bomb. I really feel like this job would be a great opportunity for a better, stronger person who could distance themselves from this chaos emotionally and not take it so personally. I have been trying so hard to make myself into that better person.
is just WTF on so many levels. It is not you. Yes, "managing up" is a thing, within reasonable limits. The limits you have are: ?!?!? nonexistent. So no, there is no better, stronger person. Anyone would have issues dealing with this type of management. They would handle them differently, because they're different people, but honestly, with the toxicity these two people have built and maintained, there is no "better" way. I'm glad you're getting out.
posted by fraula at 5:19 AM on July 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
I would just say "I found a better opportunity" and leave it at that. I've had to do this, btw. I just kept repeating myself and nodding matter-of-factly. There's nothing they can do or say. Which doesn't mean she won't say something; she probably will try asking questions, dropping remarks meant to ping sore spots, etc. The important thing is that you will know in your bones with the sole response "I found a better opportunity" that there is no more you need to say. The relief will come after the fact if/when she responds badly. In the moment it won't be easy, but treat it like a mantra and you'll get through. There's no need to say you'll miss the place. There is no need to explain anything at all. She won't do anything with it. You already know that; so trust what you know. Leave aside your (wonderful) conscience that wants things to get better, temporarily. Your conscience will thank you afterwards. I know that sounds paradoxical. But it will.
I strongly disagree with expressing reasons to anyone at all. Look at it this way: others may bear the fallout. It was another reason I found it easy to stick to my mantra; I knew that if I said anything else, other people would be called to explain themselves. I.e. they'll go to others you've worked with and try "are YOU thinking of leaving because of X, Y, Z reasons?! Did you talk with maker of pork sausages?! What did YOU think of working with maker of pork sausages!!?? Oh, really!! You thought their pork sausages weren't perfect!! HA!!! HA, HA!!!! *takes notes furiously*"
Also nthing that this:
I have "coaching" meetings with my boss' spouse, where I am told I need to "manage up" and praise my boss when she does not fly off the handle. That is not a skill that I have, and one I don't think I can manage to learn in this environment, when I feel like I am working with an angry chaos bomb. I really feel like this job would be a great opportunity for a better, stronger person who could distance themselves from this chaos emotionally and not take it so personally. I have been trying so hard to make myself into that better person.
is just WTF on so many levels. It is not you. Yes, "managing up" is a thing, within reasonable limits. The limits you have are: ?!?!? nonexistent. So no, there is no better, stronger person. Anyone would have issues dealing with this type of management. They would handle them differently, because they're different people, but honestly, with the toxicity these two people have built and maintained, there is no "better" way. I'm glad you're getting out.
posted by fraula at 5:19 AM on July 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
This is not a job, it's a disfunctional family run by a crazy person. No wonder her businesses are failing. Do you have another job lined up? Can you just walk away?
With someone like that running the company, you leaving abruptly will not sink the ship. The ship never even existed. Just walk away. Tell her that you need a more professional environment and that you will not be staying on for two weeks, that you are absolutely done and will not be counting on her or her husband for references. Tell her this in an email and then turn off your phone for a few days.
No one could thrive in that sort of environment. It's not you, it is them.
posted by myselfasme at 5:26 AM on July 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
With someone like that running the company, you leaving abruptly will not sink the ship. The ship never even existed. Just walk away. Tell her that you need a more professional environment and that you will not be staying on for two weeks, that you are absolutely done and will not be counting on her or her husband for references. Tell her this in an email and then turn off your phone for a few days.
No one could thrive in that sort of environment. It's not you, it is them.
posted by myselfasme at 5:26 AM on July 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
Run. You are in an abusive environment. If you can't face quitting in person, allow yourself to break up by phone or e-mail or registered letter. Your emotional needs are paramount here.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:51 AM on July 25, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:51 AM on July 25, 2016 [8 favorites]
I've had a version of this job and everyone is right that you should definitely not make it seem like any of this is her fault unless you want her to be nasty to you before you leave. As it stands she may very well be nasty to you regardless, I'm so sorry to say. Personally, I tend to agree with those who say don't give her notice unless you really need her as a reference. A small business owner who has driven out previous employees is unlikely to have a good reputation.
It is good you are getting out. Be kind to yourself in the coming weeks and months. This kind of stress can give you negative flashbacks for months. Good luck, you can do it.
posted by ch1x0r at 6:13 AM on July 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
It is good you are getting out. Be kind to yourself in the coming weeks and months. This kind of stress can give you negative flashbacks for months. Good luck, you can do it.
posted by ch1x0r at 6:13 AM on July 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
You can also say it's for health reasons which this true! Please take care of you.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:15 AM on July 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 6:15 AM on July 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
you can also truthfully say that you're leaving for "an opportunity that I can't pass up". the truth in that is that your opportunity is "not working for them anymore".
if you do it as an email with no notice, you can also say "an opportunity that i could not pass up and required me to start today." (still true)
posted by noloveforned at 6:26 AM on July 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
if you do it as an email with no notice, you can also say "an opportunity that i could not pass up and required me to start today." (still true)
posted by noloveforned at 6:26 AM on July 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
Also, give yourself a reward for getting through this day. Maybe a nice dinner tonight at a favorite restaurant, an after work massage? Something that gives you focus past the uncomfortable part.
posted by Vaike at 6:31 AM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Vaike at 6:31 AM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
What on earth are you doing??? Yo. You have totally gone full Stockholm.
When my former co-worker, whose last day was this past Friday, announced she was leaving, the reaction of my boss and her spouse was not good, and there were a lot of uncomfortable meetings and lunches about this person choosing to leave and what a terrible betrayal this is. This despite the fact that my co-worker gave several weeks notice. How do I gird my loins to weather this kind of behavior?
You don't. Just stop going forever. Who cares what they do or say? You can work through the launch on Friday, or through two weeks, whatever you want, or you can say "I'm resigning, I won't be screamed at any more by you" and never speak to them again, beginning RIGHT NOW.
What they say about you is NO LONGER YOUR PROBLEM, because you will no longer work there. Or ever see them again, god willing.
Literally RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:36 AM on July 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
When my former co-worker, whose last day was this past Friday, announced she was leaving, the reaction of my boss and her spouse was not good, and there were a lot of uncomfortable meetings and lunches about this person choosing to leave and what a terrible betrayal this is. This despite the fact that my co-worker gave several weeks notice. How do I gird my loins to weather this kind of behavior?
You don't. Just stop going forever. Who cares what they do or say? You can work through the launch on Friday, or through two weeks, whatever you want, or you can say "I'm resigning, I won't be screamed at any more by you" and never speak to them again, beginning RIGHT NOW.
What they say about you is NO LONGER YOUR PROBLEM, because you will no longer work there. Or ever see them again, god willing.
Literally RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:36 AM on July 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
I have "coaching" meetings with my boss' spouse, where I am told I need to "manage up" and praise my boss when she does not fly off the handle.
Oh hell no. So much wrong in such a small sentence. Spouse? Relatives are always a business anti-pattern. That's not managing up, that's kissing up. She doesn't deserve a cookie every time she manages to keep a civil tongue in her head.
I just want to blame my departure on this position not being a good fit for me, but I fear she will want to drill down on my specific reasons for leaving,
Position not a good fit opens the door to a debate. Is it you that doesn't fit the position, or the position that doesn't fit you? Are you implicitly accusing her of being a bad manager, or are you admitting you're not up to the job?
So it's not about the old job, it's about the new job. Repeat after me:
"I've been offered a fantastic opportunity I simply can't turn down. No, I can't really talk about it."
Repeat ad nauseum. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Don't get suckered into an exit interview, or any opportunity to vent. It can't do you any good, because your goal is to disengage with minimum fuss, and it will just be used against you.
posted by Leon at 6:51 AM on July 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
Oh hell no. So much wrong in such a small sentence. Spouse? Relatives are always a business anti-pattern. That's not managing up, that's kissing up. She doesn't deserve a cookie every time she manages to keep a civil tongue in her head.
I just want to blame my departure on this position not being a good fit for me, but I fear she will want to drill down on my specific reasons for leaving,
Position not a good fit opens the door to a debate. Is it you that doesn't fit the position, or the position that doesn't fit you? Are you implicitly accusing her of being a bad manager, or are you admitting you're not up to the job?
So it's not about the old job, it's about the new job. Repeat after me:
"I've been offered a fantastic opportunity I simply can't turn down. No, I can't really talk about it."
Repeat ad nauseum. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Don't get suckered into an exit interview, or any opportunity to vent. It can't do you any good, because your goal is to disengage with minimum fuss, and it will just be used against you.
posted by Leon at 6:51 AM on July 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
Put your stuff in your car, go back inside and tell them you're resigning, and if they try to get crazy on you, just go home.
I quit a job earlier this year because of a crazy boss and his reaction when I quit exceeded even my expectations of how crazy his response was going to be. It was bananas. I tell you this not to freak you out but to share with you the follow-up: I quit, I left, and I stopped thinking about it completely. It will be a huge and immediate weight off your shoulders. You will marvel at how quickly and thoroughly you stop thinking about these other people you never have to see again, ever in your life. I didn't realize how much I'd been carrying for months, trying to anticipate and deal with my boss's crazy, and the unnecessary level to which it was consuming me.
You might have one shitty day when you actually do the resigning - but it's only one more day. Then it will be over. The only way out is through.
posted by something something at 7:13 AM on July 25, 2016 [17 favorites]
I quit a job earlier this year because of a crazy boss and his reaction when I quit exceeded even my expectations of how crazy his response was going to be. It was bananas. I tell you this not to freak you out but to share with you the follow-up: I quit, I left, and I stopped thinking about it completely. It will be a huge and immediate weight off your shoulders. You will marvel at how quickly and thoroughly you stop thinking about these other people you never have to see again, ever in your life. I didn't realize how much I'd been carrying for months, trying to anticipate and deal with my boss's crazy, and the unnecessary level to which it was consuming me.
You might have one shitty day when you actually do the resigning - but it's only one more day. Then it will be over. The only way out is through.
posted by something something at 7:13 AM on July 25, 2016 [17 favorites]
She sounds like she's got a truckload of mania going on. That's going to be cool for her--for a brief period of time, anyway, 'til all her sandcastles collapse--and it's going to be hell for every other human being in proximity unless and until she gets the mania under control. You're not squandering any chances--she's the one squandering chances all her waking hours, which I'd bet are like 20+ every day because, again, she sounds totally manic. Type up that terse resignation letter everyone recommends, hand it to her, and nod and smile and weaselword your way through any subsequent in-person conversations with her or her wack folie-à-deux pardner and spouse. Get away with all possible speed. Feel no guilt about any of it. This is not your circus, these are not your monkeys.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:10 AM on July 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 8:10 AM on July 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
Rest assured that she would have no trouble firing you if you weren't working out for them. As it turns out, the job is not working for you.
Give your notice and escape the madness!
posted by mygoditsbob at 10:53 AM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
Give your notice and escape the madness!
posted by mygoditsbob at 10:53 AM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
I quit a "great" job at a company owned by crazy people one day at lunch. Just thought about it, came back from lunch, and said "Bye." Crazy people are never going to give you a good reference, no matter how much of their abusive bullshit you take.
Leave, leave the job off your resume, enjoy the rest of your life.
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 11:29 AM on July 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
Leave, leave the job off your resume, enjoy the rest of your life.
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 11:29 AM on July 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yeah, it does sound to me like it would be dangerous to ask her for a reference in any case, so since you don't need to keep that bridge standing, don't worry about burning it.
I don't really see why you need to do anything but leave a voicemail for her tonight saying you won't be able to come back in tomorrow, so sorry about the timing but for reasons beyond your control you're resigning as of this afternoon.
If this is just too unprofessional for you, then do what the first commenter suggested, and give standard notice and saying you really wish you could stay but a personal situation has come up that's going to prevent your staying.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:12 PM on July 25, 2016
I don't really see why you need to do anything but leave a voicemail for her tonight saying you won't be able to come back in tomorrow, so sorry about the timing but for reasons beyond your control you're resigning as of this afternoon.
If this is just too unprofessional for you, then do what the first commenter suggested, and give standard notice and saying you really wish you could stay but a personal situation has come up that's going to prevent your staying.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:12 PM on July 25, 2016
You realize, don't you, that these "coaching" sessions are the spouse telling you that you need to do owner's emotional labor for her.
You do not need to do her emotional labor for her.
At best, for either the owner or the spouse to expect that of you is unprofessional. But this is far beyond "at best".
I agree with the comment upthread that you are never going to get a good reference from these people. Go ahead, ask me how I know.
There is something so satisfying about saying "I'm resigning. Aaaaaaannnndddd TODAY'S my last day. Bye!"
posted by vignettist at 12:50 PM on July 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
You do not need to do her emotional labor for her.
At best, for either the owner or the spouse to expect that of you is unprofessional. But this is far beyond "at best".
I agree with the comment upthread that you are never going to get a good reference from these people. Go ahead, ask me how I know.
There is something so satisfying about saying "I'm resigning. Aaaaaaannnndddd TODAY'S my last day. Bye!"
posted by vignettist at 12:50 PM on July 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
Heh, in retrospect, OF COURSE the spouse wants you to coddle your boss. Their homelife is improved thereby!
posted by rhizome at 2:23 PM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 2:23 PM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
Agreeing with all of the above, and I would also tell you that since you have only been there.a few months (versus years and years), I would probably be inclined to leave this job off your resume - this woman is toxic, and she may try to sabatoge your future job search.
posted by superlibby at 7:13 AM on July 27, 2016
posted by superlibby at 7:13 AM on July 27, 2016
Response by poster: OK, so I did give my notice on Monday. My boss took it pretty well - kept asking if there was anything in her style that was a problem, reassuring me I could speak candidly, but I did not get into that at all. I did emphasize what I learned from her and how much I admire her capacity for work and her ability keeping multiple projects going (which is true, even if some/most of these are going off the rails). She really seemed pleased by that - but the note above about emotional labor really hit home, I cannot perform all of that in addition to a myriad of other responsibilities.
Work is still madness, but knowing that I have a countdown of days until I am free of this makes it a lot easier to detach. She keeps joking that she won't let me leave, I am too good at what I do. I guess she is trying to make me feel valued to attempt to convince me to stay (she has asked me to keep my departure quiet, so no one but her and her spouse know at this point), but all I feel is the anticipation of relief.
Thank you to everyone for the reality check. Upon rereading my question now I realize how nuts the environment really is. I was so invested in doing my best I didn't realize that I was participating in a dysfunctional workplace - my best would not be able to solve problems well outside my control.
posted by that possible maker of pork sausages at 10:18 AM on July 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
Work is still madness, but knowing that I have a countdown of days until I am free of this makes it a lot easier to detach. She keeps joking that she won't let me leave, I am too good at what I do. I guess she is trying to make me feel valued to attempt to convince me to stay (she has asked me to keep my departure quiet, so no one but her and her spouse know at this point), but all I feel is the anticipation of relief.
Thank you to everyone for the reality check. Upon rereading my question now I realize how nuts the environment really is. I was so invested in doing my best I didn't realize that I was participating in a dysfunctional workplace - my best would not be able to solve problems well outside my control.
posted by that possible maker of pork sausages at 10:18 AM on July 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
Congrats, sounds like you've handled the situation well!
Still, even though she didn't shove you out the door on the spot, I'd still say get your personal property and data out of there as quickly as possible --- she could turn on a dime at any second, being the unbalanced sort she is, so don't trust her to let you work out your two weeks peacefully (if she does, fine, just don't assume she will!).
And once you are out, take a week to just depressurize before you begin the hunt for a new job.
posted by easily confused at 1:00 PM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Still, even though she didn't shove you out the door on the spot, I'd still say get your personal property and data out of there as quickly as possible --- she could turn on a dime at any second, being the unbalanced sort she is, so don't trust her to let you work out your two weeks peacefully (if she does, fine, just don't assume she will!).
And once you are out, take a week to just depressurize before you begin the hunt for a new job.
posted by easily confused at 1:00 PM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
(she has asked me to keep my departure quiet, so no one but her and her spouse know at this point)
Ah yes, Forced Teaming is straight out of MeFi-favorite "The Gift of Fear."
Congratulations though, it looks like you may have even wangled a good reference out of things!
posted by rhizome at 5:29 PM on July 28, 2016
Ah yes, Forced Teaming is straight out of MeFi-favorite "The Gift of Fear."
Congratulations though, it looks like you may have even wangled a good reference out of things!
posted by rhizome at 5:29 PM on July 28, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's not in your personal best interest to tell her anything like the truth. And one day you may need her as a reference. Act like parting is sweet sorrow. I'm sorry you're going through this. In another life you could have told her something approximating the truth. But for you, it's best not to.
posted by taff at 11:50 PM on July 24, 2016 [57 favorites]