Give me feedback on my OKC profile!
July 21, 2016 6:58 PM Subscribe
I've decided to commit more fully to online dating, and since I am I might as well do a good job of it. Take a look, what can I improve? Link is currently my "homepage" on my mefi profile.
Areas that I know need improvement:
-Photos. I don't have very many of them, they aren't very flattering, and the quality is poor. I'm not a person who's in the habit of taking lots of pictures in the first place, though now I've been more on the lookout for and taking advantage of opportunities to take them.
-Profile length/formatting? I've cut down my profile a lot from how it started out, but it still feels like it's on the long side. And I know that when I look at other people's profile my brain kind of checks out on long blocks of text unless I focus.
Areas that I know need improvement:
-Photos. I don't have very many of them, they aren't very flattering, and the quality is poor. I'm not a person who's in the habit of taking lots of pictures in the first place, though now I've been more on the lookout for and taking advantage of opportunities to take them.
-Profile length/formatting? I've cut down my profile a lot from how it started out, but it still feels like it's on the long side. And I know that when I look at other people's profile my brain kind of checks out on long blocks of text unless I focus.
I think your photos are great although I wouldn't include any that have more people in them than just you.
I am over your target age range but I'm a straight woman in my 30s, and your profile is right on the line between would reply if you messaged me but wouldn't be quite enthused enough to message you first.
suggestions: can you just say Atheist and not "Atheist (and laughing about it)"? I think that's OKCupid's phrasing but for god's sake delete it if it will let you. unless you have a curated selection of atheist jokes the way some people collect Jesuit jokes and then keep it, I guess.
- the request for media/culture recommendations has a very generic feel to the phrasing, I'd delete that. It's a nice thought, maybe say something in the "contact me if" section instead - contact me if you want to tell me about a book I have to read or a movie I have to watch, something like that.
- couple places where you self-deprecate in a way that reads to me as instinctive and not terribly revealing of bad things, but still not necessary. the "homebody but" bit for example.
- I hate to point this out for praise because I don't want men to get the idea they should do this as a deliberate tactic, but having women among your favorite writers/musicians and stating an age range that goes above as well as below yours are good good good things that say good things about you and should serve you well. though this would not be true if it weren't sincere.
- "lived experiences" and "code-switching" are nice embedded signals for people who will probably have shared worldviews and perspectives if they are familiar with the terms, or at least similar conversational styles - they're not quite jargon and they don't sound like it, but they function in the same attraction-repulsion in-group/out-group way. better than spelling out your political views, I think.
- 'thinking about how much I'm not the center of the universe' may (?) come across as humble-bragging but may also serve the same function as the phrases noted above.
- you say you're looking for single women for pretty much anything. I would be a little put off by the indiscriminate feel of that even if it is true. can give the idea that you'd be just as happy to have a one-night stand with a woman as to become her best intimate friend, just as long as you get SOMETHING. I would probably recommend using other services for either your casual friendship or casual sex searches & narrowing down what you're looking for with this one.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:33 PM on July 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
I am over your target age range but I'm a straight woman in my 30s, and your profile is right on the line between would reply if you messaged me but wouldn't be quite enthused enough to message you first.
suggestions: can you just say Atheist and not "Atheist (and laughing about it)"? I think that's OKCupid's phrasing but for god's sake delete it if it will let you. unless you have a curated selection of atheist jokes the way some people collect Jesuit jokes and then keep it, I guess.
- the request for media/culture recommendations has a very generic feel to the phrasing, I'd delete that. It's a nice thought, maybe say something in the "contact me if" section instead - contact me if you want to tell me about a book I have to read or a movie I have to watch, something like that.
- couple places where you self-deprecate in a way that reads to me as instinctive and not terribly revealing of bad things, but still not necessary. the "homebody but" bit for example.
- I hate to point this out for praise because I don't want men to get the idea they should do this as a deliberate tactic, but having women among your favorite writers/musicians and stating an age range that goes above as well as below yours are good good good things that say good things about you and should serve you well. though this would not be true if it weren't sincere.
- "lived experiences" and "code-switching" are nice embedded signals for people who will probably have shared worldviews and perspectives if they are familiar with the terms, or at least similar conversational styles - they're not quite jargon and they don't sound like it, but they function in the same attraction-repulsion in-group/out-group way. better than spelling out your political views, I think.
- 'thinking about how much I'm not the center of the universe' may (?) come across as humble-bragging but may also serve the same function as the phrases noted above.
- you say you're looking for single women for pretty much anything. I would be a little put off by the indiscriminate feel of that even if it is true. can give the idea that you'd be just as happy to have a one-night stand with a woman as to become her best intimate friend, just as long as you get SOMETHING. I would probably recommend using other services for either your casual friendship or casual sex searches & narrowing down what you're looking for with this one.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:33 PM on July 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
This reads really well! A few nitpicks:
- I would consider removing "You also went to a tiny liberal arts college" unless it's an absolute dealbreaker. I feel like when you specify something you want in the reader too directly, it can unintentionally turn somebody away who may actually be a wonderful fit for you.
- "Looking for someone to have cool experiences with!" While this works okay, I would consider instead ending this paragraph with a few examples of things you'd like to try or that you're excited about. From my experience people tend to respond well if I describe, for example, being new to a place and looking forward to exploring, or getting into a new hobby.
-"Supportive friends and family. Because banal truths are still true." This reads a little dismissive -- like ideally the person reading this will ultimately be part of that warm support network for you, and so it would be nice to instead use this space to like express affection and warmth for people you care about in your life. It can be as little as just changing the phrasing slightly here. I think that would complement lots of the other things you say about being a curious and independent introvert.
Best of luck!
posted by elephantsvanish at 7:36 PM on July 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
- I would consider removing "You also went to a tiny liberal arts college" unless it's an absolute dealbreaker. I feel like when you specify something you want in the reader too directly, it can unintentionally turn somebody away who may actually be a wonderful fit for you.
- "Looking for someone to have cool experiences with!" While this works okay, I would consider instead ending this paragraph with a few examples of things you'd like to try or that you're excited about. From my experience people tend to respond well if I describe, for example, being new to a place and looking forward to exploring, or getting into a new hobby.
-"Supportive friends and family. Because banal truths are still true." This reads a little dismissive -- like ideally the person reading this will ultimately be part of that warm support network for you, and so it would be nice to instead use this space to like express affection and warmth for people you care about in your life. It can be as little as just changing the phrasing slightly here. I think that would complement lots of the other things you say about being a curious and independent introvert.
Best of luck!
posted by elephantsvanish at 7:36 PM on July 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
Please at least give an explanation of why you're only seeking bisexual women. Some of your potential matches may not like it, but at least they'll know why.
posted by hollyholly at 8:01 PM on July 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by hollyholly at 8:01 PM on July 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
i thought your profile was great! you seem smart and interesting and self-aware, and interested in lots of things, and able to write. a solid profile.
i know someone who started internet dating but didn't have any good photos so she asked a friend to take some "just drinking coffee", "laughing at an imaginary joke", "outside" - they turned out great (and she met her husband online). i would do this. you are clearly attractive but your photos aren't doing you any favors (which you know!) so just get someone to help you on this this weekend (it's ok, this is a thing that friends can do for each other) and you're set!
posted by andreapandrea at 8:12 PM on July 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
i know someone who started internet dating but didn't have any good photos so she asked a friend to take some "just drinking coffee", "laughing at an imaginary joke", "outside" - they turned out great (and she met her husband online). i would do this. you are clearly attractive but your photos aren't doing you any favors (which you know!) so just get someone to help you on this this weekend (it's ok, this is a thing that friends can do for each other) and you're set!
posted by andreapandrea at 8:12 PM on July 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the great, specific feedback so far!
RE: hollyholly's comment, I didn't even know that I set it as such. I was playing around with the settings on the app on my tablet and I guess it de-synced or something? I'm actually so glad that's gotten pointed out, I would probably be confused if I saw that myself ("Maybe this person only wants to be in some kind of poly arrangement...?").
posted by coolname at 8:20 PM on July 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
RE: hollyholly's comment, I didn't even know that I set it as such. I was playing around with the settings on the app on my tablet and I guess it de-synced or something? I'm actually so glad that's gotten pointed out, I would probably be confused if I saw that myself ("Maybe this person only wants to be in some kind of poly arrangement...?").
posted by coolname at 8:20 PM on July 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
Personally, lying down pictures annoy me, so I'd delete that one. Also the captions for the photos are a bit cheesy. Maybe just write where they were taken and the dates? But the photos are nice; great smile.
Actually, also, I like andreapandrea's tips above for photos! Good luck!!
posted by soakimbo at 8:20 PM on July 21, 2016
Actually, also, I like andreapandrea's tips above for photos! Good luck!!
posted by soakimbo at 8:20 PM on July 21, 2016
There are quite a few things on your profile that are very abstract. If you're as specific as possible and/or give lots of examples, that gives people more of an in to figure out what to say to you. You want them to find that one thing in your profile that they are also super excited about. I get wanting to be philosophical, but that's more of a third date thing than for meeting new people, and it can come off as pretentious.
Overall though I think you are definitely headed in the right direction and wish you luck.
posted by possibilityleft at 9:25 PM on July 21, 2016
Overall though I think you are definitely headed in the right direction and wish you luck.
posted by possibilityleft at 9:25 PM on July 21, 2016
As much as it may be true, take out the bit about wishing bodily harm on people who don't move into the middle of the subway. I know it's a joke but...you want to avoid anything that sets off womens' "murder alarm".
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:47 PM on July 21, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:47 PM on July 21, 2016 [5 favorites]
Your profile is pretty good! I would take out the 'peasant shit' part - that's off-putting and seems out-of-keeping with the likability of your profile.
2nding take out the bit Potomac Avenue mentions.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 10:09 PM on July 21, 2016
2nding take out the bit Potomac Avenue mentions.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 10:09 PM on July 21, 2016
I would also remove the tiny liberal arts college part from the "what I'm looking for" section, because it feels weirdly specific and rad brilliant people come from all sorts of colleges, thought I totally get where you're coming from. (We probably went to the same tiny liberal arts college!) Sneak a mention elsewhere so it draws the eye of the liberal-arts types without alienating the big university alumni.
Also nthing taking out the bodily harm thing - yeah, I do that too, but it's a part of me I don't like to encourage, and it's not a quality I look for in others.
The length is good and I really like that you summarize your preferences in music and fiction: it shows that you're paying attention to what you like, and the long lists of movies/bands are always the most boring part of profiles.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:33 AM on July 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also nthing taking out the bodily harm thing - yeah, I do that too, but it's a part of me I don't like to encourage, and it's not a quality I look for in others.
The length is good and I really like that you summarize your preferences in music and fiction: it shows that you're paying attention to what you like, and the long lists of movies/bands are always the most boring part of profiles.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:33 AM on July 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
My advice:
* Shorten -- by a lot. The more you write, the more reason you're giving someone to say "no."
* Work on those pictures. Humans are superficial. That's why Tinder has been so successful. Even OKCupid has its version of Tinder. Improving my pictures has been a better ROI than refining whatever I've written. And the responses I've gotten prove that too. Women also judge on appearance and don't read.
* Better off, ditch online altogether. Know that the odds are against you in this arena. You're better off working on getting over your social anxiety and introversion.
People tend to define themselves by their tastes ("Only a graduate degree," "Must make six figures," "No one under 6 feet," "No Asians," "No Arcade Fire fans") and it's easier to get over these restrictions if you meet them in person. Online, they'll have already eliminated you.
posted by Roy Batty at 5:00 AM on July 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
* Shorten -- by a lot. The more you write, the more reason you're giving someone to say "no."
* Work on those pictures. Humans are superficial. That's why Tinder has been so successful. Even OKCupid has its version of Tinder. Improving my pictures has been a better ROI than refining whatever I've written. And the responses I've gotten prove that too. Women also judge on appearance and don't read.
* Better off, ditch online altogether. Know that the odds are against you in this arena. You're better off working on getting over your social anxiety and introversion.
People tend to define themselves by their tastes ("Only a graduate degree," "Must make six figures," "No one under 6 feet," "No Asians," "No Arcade Fire fans") and it's easier to get over these restrictions if you meet them in person. Online, they'll have already eliminated you.
posted by Roy Batty at 5:00 AM on July 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Feeling sympathy for inanimate objects.
Can you expand on this (here)? Unsure if serious... Do you mean you love Roombas or bridges in a special way, or are you a fan of Giacometti's work? (Answer A would be an orange flag for me.)
Agree with Potomac Avenue.
Supportive friends and family. Because banal truths are still true.
Definitely get rid of this, it strongly suggests you see yourself as a fair bit deeper and smarter than everyone you know and don't actually appreciate them as much as you're wanting to express, this would be a red flag for me.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:49 AM on July 22, 2016
Can you expand on this (here)? Unsure if serious... Do you mean you love Roombas or bridges in a special way, or are you a fan of Giacometti's work? (Answer A would be an orange flag for me.)
Agree with Potomac Avenue.
Supportive friends and family. Because banal truths are still true.
Definitely get rid of this, it strongly suggests you see yourself as a fair bit deeper and smarter than everyone you know and don't actually appreciate them as much as you're wanting to express, this would be a red flag for me.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:49 AM on July 22, 2016
Response by poster: Can you expand on this (here)? Unsure if serious... Do you mean you love Roombas or bridges in a special way, or are you a fan of Giacometti's work? (Answer A would be an orange flag for me.)
I'm a bit of a crouton petter, so that's where I was going with that. It also means I have a lot of junk that I keep longer than I should, but that's not really something I'm going to advertise.
[re: "banal truths"]
This reads a little dismissive -- like ideally the person reading this will ultimately be part of that warm support network for you, and so it would be nice to instead use this space to like express affection and warmth for people you care about in your life. It can be as little as just changing the phrasing slightly here. I think that would complement lots of the other things you say about being a curious and independent introvert.
---
Definitely get rid of this, it strongly suggests you see yourself as a fair bit deeper and smarter than everyone you know and don't actually appreciate them as much as you're wanting to express, this would be a red flag for me.
This happens to me often, where I say something well-meaning but could also be easily misconstrued as shitty in a way I didn't anticipate. What I meant by that is that a lot of people say "friends and family" on that section which is trite and doesn't really say much, but after thinking about it I do have to concede that it's true for me as well. Seems like I should jettison that line altogether in favor of something more personal/less snarky.
posted by coolname at 9:09 AM on July 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm a bit of a crouton petter, so that's where I was going with that. It also means I have a lot of junk that I keep longer than I should, but that's not really something I'm going to advertise.
[re: "banal truths"]
This reads a little dismissive -- like ideally the person reading this will ultimately be part of that warm support network for you, and so it would be nice to instead use this space to like express affection and warmth for people you care about in your life. It can be as little as just changing the phrasing slightly here. I think that would complement lots of the other things you say about being a curious and independent introvert.
---
Definitely get rid of this, it strongly suggests you see yourself as a fair bit deeper and smarter than everyone you know and don't actually appreciate them as much as you're wanting to express, this would be a red flag for me.
This happens to me often, where I say something well-meaning but could also be easily misconstrued as shitty in a way I didn't anticipate. What I meant by that is that a lot of people say "friends and family" on that section which is trite and doesn't really say much, but after thinking about it I do have to concede that it's true for me as well. Seems like I should jettison that line altogether in favor of something more personal/less snarky.
posted by coolname at 9:09 AM on July 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Aha, ok, you weren't saying that your family and friends communicate in what you think are banalities - I did misunderstand you there, my apologies! Yes, please do just be sincere about caring for friends and family, I think it's ok to do :) I'm sure you'll find an interesting, non-snarky way to say it.
I'm a bit of a crouton petter, so that's where I was going with that. It also means I have a lot of junk that I keep longer than I should, but that's not really something I'm going to advertise.
Hmm, yes. If you're a collector of specific things, agree, maybe that fact could be introduced in an IRL conversation, later in the process. I'm not sure what you mean by crouton-petting (a form of self-stimulation or self-soothing?), but, I think the same thing applies, maybe share that later. (The original phrasing was sort of vague and provocative at the same time, and a little bell-ringy to me, sorry!)
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:31 AM on July 22, 2016
I'm a bit of a crouton petter, so that's where I was going with that. It also means I have a lot of junk that I keep longer than I should, but that's not really something I'm going to advertise.
Hmm, yes. If you're a collector of specific things, agree, maybe that fact could be introduced in an IRL conversation, later in the process. I'm not sure what you mean by crouton-petting (a form of self-stimulation or self-soothing?), but, I think the same thing applies, maybe share that later. (The original phrasing was sort of vague and provocative at the same time, and a little bell-ringy to me, sorry!)
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:31 AM on July 22, 2016
I think you've probably edited a lot since you posted it, so I'm loving what I'm seeing! I think it's awesome. Back when I was on okc I would have loved your profile.
I don't think you should shorten it as one commenter suggested. I like all of the info. I feel like I'm getting to know you enough to make me want to know more.
I met my boyfriend on okc and a lot of the things he had in his profile that I loved, you have too.
It's awesome! Good luck!
posted by shesbenevolent at 2:43 PM on July 22, 2016
I don't think you should shorten it as one commenter suggested. I like all of the info. I feel like I'm getting to know you enough to make me want to know more.
I met my boyfriend on okc and a lot of the things he had in his profile that I loved, you have too.
It's awesome! Good luck!
posted by shesbenevolent at 2:43 PM on July 22, 2016
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I think your photos are fine; however, I don't have an account so I may not have seen them all. My favorite is the one of you on the boat. Since you had mentioned feeling dissatisfied with your photos overall, could you ask a friend or two to help you with an OKC-inspired photo shoot? The OKC trends blog has great suggestions for angles and subjects so I recommend checking it out if you haven't already. As for the photo shoot, there's nothing wrong with a little vanity and a lot of people enjoy helping others with their online dating profiles. I certainly do and your in-person pals probably would as well. Good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:17 PM on July 21, 2016 [1 favorite]