Should i unblock my family? If so, when?
July 17, 2016 6:16 PM   Subscribe

I bought my entire family (4 people) and boyfriend tickets to an expensive 90 min show as a birthday gift ($80 each), sent them all reminders of date and time, and everyone except my boyfriend as 40 mins late despite me calling and reminding them (they all traveled together). They gave weak apologies, with my mom taking the blame but I'm absolutely livid at them, so I blocked them all from calling me. Is this too extreme?

I also had planned on taking us out to dinner after the show but a last minute trip from my grandmother was reason enough for my dad to go pick her up from the airport instead of explaining to her that we had plans and that she should take a taxi to meet us at a restaurant (he claimed he couldn't leave her stranded and that she had no cell phone).

All of this just left me feeling very frustrated and embarrassed for my boyfriend to see my family's clear disregard for time and ungratefulness.
posted by soooo to Human Relations (39 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
No, I'd be livid too. But you, and them, will get over it eventually.
posted by ryanbryan at 6:18 PM on July 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Definitely let some time go by before you unblock these thoughtless buffoons.
As a former stage manager, I take personal offense at lame-excuse lateness.

You'll have to thaw out sooner or later, but for now, feel free to revel in the mad. And stop buying tickets for your fam...to anything!
posted by BostonTerrier at 6:21 PM on July 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Opinions on this are going to vary. There is no objective right or wrong to blocking them. But their behavior was extremely disrespectful. I would just try to think of what your goal is and what your endgame is. Do you never want to speak to them again? Do you not want to speak to them until you get an apology? Do you want to hurt their feelings to get back at them for hurting your feelings? Do you want to make yourself look strong in front of your boyfriend to not feel embarrassed anymore? I'm not going to say don't block them, because I know it probably feels good right now. But I am going to say that it's not likely to help anything unless your goal really is to never speak to them again. Think about what you really want and figure out how to really get it.
posted by bleep at 6:22 PM on July 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


If you block them you won't know whether they're trying to call to apologize.

Also, I don't know your grandmother, but there are plenty of old ladies whose safety you would actually have to prioritize over accepting your kid's nice dinner invitation (if it was nice - were you being as accusatory then as you are in this post?)

Things happen. I'm an extremely punctual person, but I've been late before. Maybe your mom had an acute diarrhea attack that left her unable to leave the bathroom. Maybe she's covering for someone else in your family. Maybe they were ten minutes late leaving the house, but someone had forgotten to put gas in the car so there's another ten minutes, and an accident on the highway took care of the next 20. Things happen.

If you can't afford to buy your family nice tickets, don't buy them. If your family is the sort to frequently disregard your convenience, don't make plans with them that depend on not being late. And if they AREN'T usually late, then something unusual happened this time, and maybe you're being pretty silly.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:30 PM on July 17, 2016 [62 favorites]


As time goes on, you may start to find that punishing people who hurt you (which is what the blocking is - a form of punishment) stops working for you except in the very short term. It might even start to hurt you more than it hurts others. It's hard to say, because I don't know your family, but have you tried telling them that they really hurt feelings and that you felt unappreciated?
posted by eustacescrubb at 6:32 PM on July 17, 2016 [23 favorites]


Blocking family members is something that should not be done lightly, and it's usually a long-term thing that is a result of cumulative hurt and attempts to work on the hurt that are met with silence or obstinance. That does not sound like what is going on here. It sounds like a more direct approach - "I am hurt by your actions; it made me feel embarrassed in front of my boyfriend and frustrated at the way I was treated by you guys" - would be useful in this situation.
posted by sockermom at 6:34 PM on July 17, 2016 [13 favorites]


You're right to be pissed, but blocking your family from talking to you is a drama seeking move. Everybody, including you, knows it isn't going to last, and it's just a splashy way of saying "you guys really hurt my feelings".

Am I right that this is pretty normal behavior for your family? Sounds like you half expected this at least.

If hitting yourself in the head with a hammer hurts, you don't yell at the hammer or block it from calling you. You just stop hitting yourself with it. Stop trying to make big, important, time sensitive plans with people who are unreliable or who are not punctual. Make other kinds of plans instead. Have a picnic where people can show up whenever and leave whenever.

Your dad was right to go get Grandma from the airport. Could have been just him who went, but "oh, Grandma can take a taxi"--no, Grandma gets a family member to come and pick her up, even if that is inconvenient.
posted by mattu at 6:35 PM on July 17, 2016 [51 favorites]


Stop buying them tickets to things, let them know how angry and hurt you are, and then remain distant for as long as you'd like. No need to block. Grandma flying in is not a last minute emergency. It requires planning and notice. For them to not communicate with you clearly about their schedule (even with lots of reminders from you) as well as not offering a clear apology for wrecking the evening is enough reason for you to readjust how you plan to spend time with them going forward.
posted by quince at 6:44 PM on July 17, 2016 [13 favorites]


If they are habitually late, the only person you should be livid at is yourself.
posted by paulcole at 6:47 PM on July 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm confused--whose birthday did you get the tickets for? Did you talk to them in advance and ask if this was something they'd be up for doing, with a clear way for them to politely say "nope"?

It seems like you're really upset about their ungratefulness on top of being upset about them being late for a scheduled appointment, and that part might be a bit unfair if this isn't something they wanted to do with you. It's still not cool for them to be late, but I'd be inclined to say the ticket price is irrelevant.
posted by cogitron at 6:54 PM on July 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: It was for my dads birthday (I felt bad that I always get my mom nice bday gifts and never buy my dad anything) - so I wanted us to go out for a family day to this show I knew they'd all enjoy - and they did immensely enjoy the portion they saw.

I asked them all if they were free that day about a month in advance and said I wanted to surprise and treat them. They all said yes. They knew the tickets were pricey, and the show was formal so showing up late was unacceptable.

They are habitually late, but that's why I called them in advance that morning and reminded them when they had to leave. I will indeed never buy them anything again or invite them to anything.

I also need to work on not punishing people that hurt me (as one commenter noted) but I don't know how to do that - its my go to reaction to give people the silent treatment or want to delete or unfriend them... then I second guess myself and sometimes reach out again only to be hurt so come to the conclusion I was right in the first place to ice them out. How are you supposed to deal with people that hurt you?
posted by soooo at 7:05 PM on July 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


How are you supposed to deal with people that hurt you?

Friends who end up hurting me, I drop. This has left me with fewer friends over the years but I'm fine with that.
Family I handle differently - if they hurt my feelings repeatedly in a specific but non-malicious way (like being late) I stop giving them the opportunity (by never counting on them to be anywhere on time).
posted by STFUDonnie at 7:14 PM on July 17, 2016 [9 favorites]


What's your end goal here? Because any goal that involves changing your family's behavior is going to end up with you banging your head against a wall. You can't change other people. Full stop. Other people can sometimes, themselves, change if they really want to. But there is nothing that you can do or say or change that will cause them to change.

So, you have a family of people who are chronically late to stuff. That's a fact you have to accept. You also have a family who are sort of clueless about their own lateness, and are sort of rude about it. Those, too, are facts you have to accept.

Given all of that, what's your desired outcome? Do you want to not have anyone in your life who is late and is rude about it? And do you want that more than you want a relationship with your family? If so, cutting them off is the correct answer. Do you want to have a relationship with your family? Then cutting them off is not going to accomplish that. But there are things you can do that might minimize the aggravation of dealing with them. For example, never put yourself in a position where them being late or inconsiderate is going to inconvenience you. Never spend money on things they have to be on time for, and never count on them for a ride, and don't wait for them if there are things you want to do. But don't stoop to their level; behave like an adult even if they don't.

How are you supposed to deal with people that hurt you?
You're supposed to tell them that they hurt you and talk about it like mature adults. If they're not capable of that, then you decide whether the hassle of dealing with people who are inconsiderate is worth the positive things you get out of various aspects of your relationship. If not, then you cut back or end the relationship. If so, then you accept the fact that they have this one quality that hurts you, and you figure out ways to minimize the effect that this aspect of their personalities has on your life.
posted by decathecting at 7:22 PM on July 17, 2016 [34 favorites]


Okay, you just answered what I came in to ask: are they habitually late, or was this a one-time aberration?

So. Blocking them, even though this lateness is their norm, seems a bit extreme, since your mom did try to apologize. So I'd suggest just quietly unblocking them --- don't make a big deal out of it, just do it and drop it. Then yeah: don't invite them/buy them tickets to future specifically-timed events.

Although there is one thing you could try, but only for stuff like inviting them to dinner (but not for any kind event with a published, check-able starting time): if you want them to show up at 7pm, for instance, tell them 6:30pm instead --- sort of a built-in lateness cover. This won't work if they find out about it of course, or if there's any way they could confirm the time outside of asking you.
posted by easily confused at 7:22 PM on July 17, 2016


How are you supposed to deal with people that hurt you?

This is what I do, when I'm at my best; YMMV:

1. Spend some time letting myself feel hurt. When I'm in this stage, I don't do anything else - I don't text, I don't take action of any kind unless it's called for by the social situation. Giving the silent treatment is a change in behavior so it counts as "taking action."

2. When I feel like I'm no longer feeling angry/hurt, I try to tell the other person how I feel. "How I feel" for me means a statment like "when you did x, I felt y," where y is an emotion adjective: angry/sad/hurt/frustrated/worried/lonely/etc. A really good feelings statement says nothing about the other person except the action they took right before I felt the way I felt. I don't tell them about their motives, or what they "always" do, etc. I do this understanding they might not remember the incident the same way I do, and that memory itself is a form of story-telling, which means my memories are as much about my present needs as they are about what happened.

3. I listen when they respond. If they say they didn't mean to hurt me, I choose to believe them, unless I feel like this is a pattern, in which case I might point out that from my point of view they seem to often do x, and I feel y at the repetiton itself.

4. I reflect and try to see if I had a part in myself getting hurt. Sometimes, I'm part of the problem. Maybe I was snippy to my partner right before she said something mean. Maybe I was ignoring her when she wanted attention.

5. I reflect and try to see if this was a simple miscommunication or misunderstanding. A metaphor: I live a big city and take the subway during rush hour. At those times of day, subway cars fill up. Lots of people and a jostling car means sometimes we bump each other. If the train car jostles and my body impacts somebody else's body, I apologize, even though I didn't intentiaonlly bump them. In life, we all bump into each other and many times, it's nobody's fault and everyone meant well.

6. If they apologise, I forgive them. Forgiveness for me doesn't mean "forgetting" - it means I no longer resent them or feel like they owe me some restitution. It's like cancelling an IOU. Forgiveness doesn't mean I don't set boundaries or let someone know when they've hurt me.

7. Maybe, if it's needed, I set a boundary - like "I forgive you, but please don't ever do that again." If they keep doing it, I might change my behavior toward them - as several people suggested above - maybe stop inviting chronically late people to events with firm starting times.

8. I stay on gaurd against resentment. Resentment will poison the best relationship. Resentment is the opposite of forgiveness. It's always remembereing every wrong thing someone has done, and feeling bad about it all over again, any time they do anything else I find hurtful. Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs.

I'm not at all claiming I'm always good at all this. But this is what I shoot for, and it works for me.
posted by eustacescrubb at 7:26 PM on July 17, 2016 [44 favorites]


This was a gift. For your father. His feelings should matter more than yours right now. Don't give gifts or plan surprises for other people if your feelings are going to get hurt if they don't respond in the exact way you want.

I'd respond differently if this was your own graduation or something, but this was supposed to be a gift for your father. You don't get to sulk in this situation.
posted by lazuli at 7:36 PM on July 17, 2016 [31 favorites]


I hear that when you're raising children and they do something embarassing, you have to let it go. The parent is raising them in the best way possible, and when they do something that might embarass the parent, there's really no need for the parent to bother with embarassment; it's a child, the child is a child.

I think the reverse is also true. Your family is your family and you are not responsible for their behaviour.

If I were your boyfriend, I would be paying closer attention to how you choose to react.
posted by aniola at 7:39 PM on July 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


You bought them tickets to a thing, as a gift. They showed up to the thing (albeit late) and enjoyed what they saw of it. They probably even appreciated you for giving them that opportunity. That reads like "job done" to me on all counts.

After you give people things, you don't get to say what they do with them. That's not what "giving" means.
posted by flabdablet at 7:59 PM on July 17, 2016 [30 favorites]


Best answer: Okay. You say in your follow-up that you knew in advance they are "habitually late." So much so that you went out of your way to find ways to get them to be on time. But the thing is, they are habitually late. So maybe - maybe - you could have gotten them there on time by lying about the start time. Any other methods would be - and were - doomed to fail. Habitually late people do not care that they are late. They may be embarrassed, they may be apologetic, but the bottom line is, they don't care. If they cared, they would change. You can't change them. Period.

Blocking them because you are angry at them for doing the thing you knew and feared they were likely to do? That's just petty and solves nothing. It's not even punishing them, it's just saying you're angry in a way that doesn't allow a meaningful conversation about your anger and your feelings in general. The punishment for this level of insulting behavior (and it is insulting, and you're 100% right to be upset) is the one you and others have already mentioned - no more time-based presents. They can't handle them, and it's not worth your spending the money on them if it will wreck your enjoyment having them come late.

Here's what I would suggest, which will be difficult but will at least get you to a better place if it's something you can do: try to reframe your gift in your own mind. There are lots of people who order a fancy dessert in a restaurant and take one bite and are happy. They don't want to eat the whole dessert. They want the experience of ordering and tasting the dessert. For them, it's not a waste of money - they experienced the joy of dessert-having in the way they could appreciate it. Not ordering the dessert would have been 'smarter,' but they would have left the restaurant less satisfied. Eating the whole thing would have also, but might have left them feeling stuffed or unsatisfied that they only finished it out of obligation. Being [what I would consider] wasteful is, for them, the way for them to be happy. My point is, you gave your father a birthday gift he (and your mother and other family member) enjoyed. He didn't enjoy it the way you would have chosen. He didn't enjoy it in the way that made the most financial sense to you or that allowed him to fully appreciate all you presented him with. But he had a good time, one that he wouldn't have had if you hadn't given the gift.

In that framing, your gift was actually a huge success, and even worth the money if you look at the idea of a gift as being something selfless you do to serve the receiver, and not an expression of your own desires as the giver. If you gave him a gorgeous sweater that cost a small fortune and he thought was garish, he might put it in a drawer and never wear it. Or he might wear it to a sporting event in bad weather where it would get ruined. You can't control how he (or anyone) receives your gift. Getting angry if your gift isn't appreciated or even respected is natural and human. It's hard not to. But throwing a temper fit because someone doesn't fall over backwards appreciating your gift? That just makes you look bad. And ruins the birthday/holiday/celebration to boot.

It was a gift. They blew it in exactly the way you thought they would, and hopefully you've learned from that so you won't get similarly hurt again. The best way to move forward is to try to let it go.
posted by Mchelly at 8:04 PM on July 17, 2016 [31 favorites]


I think this is shitty and lame of your family but all it is is evidence for the hypothesis that you shouldn't make a special effort for any of them ever again. Unblock them, accept the apologies (which ought to be forthcoming), and make less effort next time.

I know how it feels to get something thrown back in your face like that (and, to my chagrin, I know what it's like to do it) and it makes you feel like crap either way, so just try and move past it.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:20 PM on July 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


You tried to do something nice, and you put time and thought and money into it, and it sucks that they didn't prioritize it and validate your effort but this was about doing something nice for your dad and you blocking him and the rest of your family is a really sad way for this to end. By all means, don't return their calls until you feel like you can be gracious about it and you can have all of the feelings that you want to in the meantime (I say this in all sincerity as someone who is frequently driven batty by other people's lack of planning and general thoughtlessness) but blocking them is pretty nuclear—if something should happen to one of them and they couldn't get through to you that would be horrible.
posted by pie_seven at 8:24 PM on July 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


You blocked your family from calling you because they were late to an important event yet they are habitually late to most things? What would you do if they didn't show up? What if they showed up on time but told you the play sucked? You seem to be quick to go to the nuclear option. That is drama. If they know you as well as you know them, they probably didn't even try to call because they knew you would block them.

If it were me, I would send an email to you father wishing him a happy birthday and tell him how much you love him and appreciate all he has done. Then, the next day I would send an email to your mother and tell her that you were disappointed in them being late and partially ruining your dad's birthday gift. Then, move on.
posted by AugustWest at 8:38 PM on July 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


Best answer: This isn't really about your family being late this one time or seeming ungrateful. This isn't about blocking their numbers. It's about setting boundaries and managing expectations with family.

It's shitty that they were late. Feeling jilted and let down by anyone hurts but it's extra painful when they're family. I can imagine that you're not only angry at them but also a bit angry at yourself for having trusted them here. Being late can happen and some of us are just late more than others: it can be very bad or no big deal depending on the situation and people involved. Clearly, it's not the first time they've left you in the lurch so I'm extra sorry. If it were a one-time situation, you'd probably be over it by now. While it's unfortunate overall, I'd see it as a silver lining to re-evaluate your relationship with them. Save the lavish gifts for people who are going to appreciate them and you in a way you'd like: it sounds like your boyfriend is considerate so hooray for finding someone on the same page. I find it interesting that you felt embarrassed that your boyfriend saw your family like this: was this the first time they were to meet? Perhaps he was also frustrated but was reacting more out of solidarity with you rather than his own anger? I, too, would be annoyed at their being late but apparently grandma's arrival was a bigger deal in the moment. I want to think I'd be more OK with this but there are other family things that bother me. It's less about specifics and more about feeling respected.

I'd consider reflecting on your relationship with your family and looking into how you manage your expectations of them. They surely have many great qualities and can come through sometimes but not here. I think your blocking their numbers was overreacting. It's OK you did it because you're welcome to feel and react any way you'd like. I think a bit of this scenario: you give a four year old a too-full glass of grape juice while they're sitting on a brand new white couch. It sucks when they spill it, which they're probably going to do because they are four and the glass is too full for them to handle safely. The white couch makes it all exasperating. Blocking your family's numbers is like banning the four year old from ever entering the room with the couch again. It feels effective in the moment but is not going to solve the problem. You feel good for a second then doubt yourself; they're likely confused and annoyed, too. A solution that would be more effective and rewarding in the long run would be sitting in the kitchen, pouring less juice, and avoiding that damn couch. That's essentially what you should start doing with your family.

Alone or with others, perhaps your boyfriend or ideally a therapist, I'd start examining what you can fairly expect from family members and then start setting boundaries. This is a challenge for me so I know where you're coming from but it's something you can do and succeed at slowly-but-surely. This article has some starting tips, and this one is even better for right now. I think you'll find yourself much happier with family and friends and life in general. For now, please give yourself -- and them -- a break and revisit this later on once there's a bit more distance.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:12 PM on July 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


Yes, it is too extreme to block them.

Try to get over it, and don't set yourself up for feeling this way in the future. You feel the things you feel, and that needs to happen, but have some perspective here: This is a vague annoyance with a fairly solid excuse. I can't tell from context how old your grandmother is, but I sure as hell wouldn't just strand my mother without a mobile phone at an airport, even to miss a show my daughter had paid for that I was looking forward to attending.

If I were you I'd be annoyed and hurt, but life is way too short to bother having drama about something like this.
posted by aspersioncast at 9:13 PM on July 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Your mad your family chose picking up your grandparent over your event? Get over it, while it was unfortunate that conflicted with your event, seriously that's totally reasonable.
posted by so fucking future at 9:21 PM on July 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


You should unblock them and then apologized to them for your tantrum-like behavior. Part of being an adult is sucking it up when people don't do things the way you want them to. Yes, it was rude of them to show up late but, it kind of sounds like you wanted this for them more than they wanted it for themselves. I'm sure it was a great show but did your dad really want to spend his birthday weekend driving that much? They did the best that they could and it wasn't enough for you. You can either accept that they are going to be who they are going to be or you can cut them off entirely. But stop setting them up for failure and then having a fit when they do what you know they will probably do.

Also, skipping dinner because your dad was decent enough to not want to leave his mom alone at the airport was a dick move. Why couldn't you have asked your boyfriend to go pick her up? Or sent them all to dinner and done it yourself, so that your dad could have enjoyed his birthday?
posted by myselfasme at 9:44 PM on July 17, 2016 [14 favorites]


Your anger here seems out of proportion to what they did - which is what you kind of expected them to do anyways. I don't see what blocking each of them accomplishes. They can't reach out to you? Couldn't you just not answer the phone if you're still feeling residual anger/frustration? What about just telling them you're frustrated by this, and making a mental note to not treat them to invites to an event like this in the future?

I will indeed never buy them anything again or invite them to anything.
Really? Never again? It seems like you just need to not ask them to be somewhere by a certain time in the future.

I also need to work on not punishing people that hurt me (as one commenter noted) but I don't know how to do that - its my go to reaction to give people the silent treatment or want to delete or unfriend them...
The silent treatment is passive aggressive and an unhelpful strategy for conflict resolution. If you don't want to talk to them, don't talk to them, but once you start going out of your way to avoid someone like this, it's like you're punishing another adult. That's not going to help anything.

How are you supposed to deal with people that hurt you?
Some self-reflection here might help. Are people hurting you, or just kind of not meeting your particular requirements for your relationships? It's fine if, for you, being late is a dealbreaker and leads to you not being friends, but I don't think you can say those people are hurting you. They're just late. Maybe the question is, how do you deal with people disappointing you?
posted by violetish at 9:46 PM on July 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


One of my closest and oldest friends (I've known him more than half my life) has been abysmal about being on time, as long as I've known him. Nearly every time we agree to meet, he shows up an hour late, and several times it has seriously inconvenienced me (waiting outside an Airbnb in NYC for an hour since he had the keys, sitting at a bar by myself waiting for him to show up).

I've found that the healthy way to react to it is to expect him to be late. Agree on a time and arrive 30 minutes later. Wait a reasonable amount of time and then leave.

You would have spent the same amount of money whether your family showed up on time or not. It's their loss. Next time you make a decision to meet them, you can factor in that they're probably going to be late But blocking your own family seems extreme.
posted by banishedimmortal at 10:15 PM on July 17, 2016


It sounds as though you're staking your sense of being loved and accepted by them on their honoring your need for things to start on time. When they ignore this, it sounds as though you feel unloved and disrespected, like you don't matter at all. If that's true, I feel you. My family is somewhat similar, in that they used to expect me to do all sort of emotional labor to keep everything running, and would be surprised when I expressed resentment.

I would suggest therapy, if possible, to figure out what your underlying emotions are, what this pattern is, and how you can avoid getting sucked into it in the future. For me, it was especially helpful to uncover the hurt and grief under the anger. These days, when I interact with them, and they start hammering away on one of my old buttons, I just quietly roll my eyes, and think, "Oh, wow, they're at it again."

The other thing I would suggest is to never give away anything you can't afford to lose. If you know your family is going to be late and spoil your present, don't get them that sort of present. Give the theater tickets to friends who will value them and will show up on time. Give your parents an ugly vase that will make them laugh, or a gift certificate. Or just call and give them good birthday wishes.

YMMV, but, for me, it wasn't helpful or productive to set myself up for being hurt in the same way. You can't make people value you a certain way, but you *can* change the rules of the game to protect yourself.

BTW, the gift sounds like a very nice, thoughtful evening. I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to.
posted by dancing_angel at 10:26 PM on July 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


I know some pretty decent people who really struggle with habitual lateness. I am absolutely not making excuses for this really crappy way to treat you, but these people are generally trying their hardest and always panicking and seeing minutes melt away and accumulate before their eyes like magic.

Some people can look at a recipe and immediately know how long everything is going to take. Some people can look at a start time and accurately gauge how long finding keys, last minute jacket, surprise traffic can take. Some people can't; they have a poor perception of time.

Like I said, I know people who struggle with this, and they tend to be really ashamed and genuinely sorry. If you can find it in your heart to take their apology as sincere, and to forgive them for something they really didn't mean to do, then you can get on with never inviting to anything that you wouldn't happily do without them there.
posted by Juliet Banana at 1:44 AM on July 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Best answer: No good deed goes unpunished.
It is only when I tried to do good things for my family that I truly understood the meaning of that saying.

You have a 100% right to your feelings, and maybe you feel that you didn't get your due. But imagine this for a moment. How would you feel if, instead of getting upset at your family, you just felt gratitude that they were able to make it all?
posted by Thella at 2:11 AM on July 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


It's a gift. A gift. A birthday present for your father. For one of the people you're livid at. You then blocked them, a hurtful act. You are deliberately hurting someone you got a gift for because they din't value that gift enough or at least as promptly as you wanted.

I understand your anger. But I don't understand what you are letting your anger do.

Be mad, but don't be hurtful.
posted by French Fry at 7:36 AM on July 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


I get the anger. Your father basically tossed your lovely gift to him onto the "not very important" pile and the rest of the family followed suit. Go ahead and be angry. When your anger has subsided, take it as a lesson that your family does not appreciate when others go to a great effort for them, and in the future don't bother with lovely and thoughtful gifts that they won't appreciate.
posted by Dolley at 7:56 AM on July 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


I will indeed never buy them anything again or invite them to anything.

I also need to work on not punishing people that hurt me (as one commenter noted) but I don't know how to do that


These two lines don't go together. One "doesn't do that" by not demonstrating aggravation to predictable circumstances. You can feel that aggravation, in a personal sense, but transforming your personal aggravation into consequences for others is, almost by definition, punishment.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:43 AM on July 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


Can't help but think that the people who are berating you the hardest all happen to be habitually tardy.

Grandma takes precedence over dinner, though.
posted by radicalawyer at 11:31 AM on July 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


I wanted us to go out for a family day to this show I knew they'd all enjoy - and they did immensely enjoy the portion they saw.

. . .so what's the problem?
posted by Ndwright at 4:00 PM on July 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


If you talk to your mom or dad about this, I think you'll have the best outcome if you don't put a lot of weight on your anger. Instead, talk about how much you were looking forward to everyone going to the show, and that you reminded them about it to make sure the time and date were clear for everyone. When the 40 minutes of lateness was passing, you felt sad and your feelings were very hurt. And then when they didn't apologize or give much of an explanation, you felt like your feelings and efforts weren't valued.

Regarding anger, someone can tell themself that it's just you, that you just get really mad about something like this (and someone else might not). But when you talk about those other feelings, a compassionate person can more easily see how the forgetfulness and lateness were hurtful, even if they didn't manage to consider your feelings earlier.

"Punishing" family or friends by yelling at them or blocking them....that's not really a punishment. It doesn't make them feel bad for what you did; it just tells them that you're steaming mad. I know it's hard to tell someone calmly, "When you did X and Y I felt you didn't respect me/care about my feelings." But you'd be telling the truth, and they'd be way out of line to say you didn't or shouldn't feel that way.
posted by wryly at 4:57 PM on July 18, 2016


Just echoing those who have suggested that this is a good place to look at their intentions, rather than the effect some of their habits have on you. To me, the fact that they all agreed to the plan, and showed up, suggests very good intentions indeed.

For what it's worth, I'm in the camp that finds habitual lateness maddening. Trying to meet up with more than one habitually late person at the same time is the pits and it is no wonder you are left frustrated but also-- this was frustrating because it was a group. Are you really this frustrated with each and every individual in it?
posted by BibiRose at 7:17 AM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


As a super not-tardy person, I completely understand the anxiety and frustration and general pissiness that comes from people being late to a thing they KNEW was happening. It sucks. And I totally get being embarrassed in front of your boyfriend. Even if he knows them well, it still looks like they are standing you up and don't care enough about the gift to be on time.

It is also bad timing that your grandmother was flying in to town right after the show. But it wasn't a mean gesture on his part to want to go pick up with mom (who has no cell phone and is probably old). He was trying to be kind and selfless (on his own birthday), at the expense of not being able to celebrate that night. Which is disappointing. But at least in this case, your grandmother didn't mean to mess up your dinner plans, your dad wasn't trying to get out of dinner, and it was just unfortunate.

Since you didn't mention any other extremely negative dynamics between you and your family, I'm seeing this event as kind of a bummer island of a day in a sea of otherwise generally happy times. You can decline their calls for a couple days without going full-out blocking. It does sound like it would be good to cool off for a bit.

Have you talked to your boyfriend at all about it since then? I know that it can be hard to admit that you're embarrassed or hurt but just starting out with "hey babe, you know I'm still super bummed about last week. They kind of hurt my feelings being so late and I'm still feeling bad. Can I get a hug?". Talking it out will probably help you let off some steam and without some of that embarrassment anymore, it may be easier to process and let go.

As an analogy, I would love to make special cakes for my friends and family on their birthdays. I even spend time imagining what kind would be their favorite and how to decorate them and how delicious they would be. And what a nice gift! However, life gets in the way and then suddenly it's Friday and I have none of the ingredients and there's a thing to do tomorrow morning and no way on earth could I get everything ready on time. So, you go to the grocery store last minute and get a sheet cake and it's certainly not as stellar as your beautiful homemade cake would have been but it's still cake and you didn't mean it as an insult to your loved one or spite against them, it just got too late and you didn't make time enough.

Anyway, tldr, I would recommend waiting a few days, talking to your bf, then calling your mom and letting her know that you were kind of bummed out about how your dad's birthday went. Best of luck.
posted by amicamentis at 1:38 PM on July 19, 2016


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