Living Situation Stressful/Solutions
July 8, 2016 6:28 PM Subscribe
I currently live with my husband. We are planning to renovate the basement but it will take 1-2 years. My mom moved in with us and we share the common areas besides bedrooms and bathrooms. It is financially a good idea but im finding it stressful with possible construction and living with my mom. We cant afford to move, also my husbands business equipment needs storage which is on the property. He is okay with living here until improvements are made. We are
also starting a family this fall and i am pregnant.
I am currently living with my husband in two story house. We have been in the process of remodeling since we moved around 10 years ago. He replaced floor with handmade hardwood floors. Also, renovating basement, by himself which is one reason why its taken so long.We also have had room mates to help with living expenses in the past.
My mom moved in with us a couple of monthes ago.
This was an agreement that we had decided to make ten years ago with everyone involved in that it would benefit all of us financially etc, helping each other out. My mother was the one that bought the house and it is paid off. We will get it willed to us.
We are working on remodeling the basement because currently we are sharing the common areas of the kitchen living room and laundry space. Before we wanted it to be seperate but we werent able to get it done before she moved in.
So, im finding it stressful living with my mom in this way for various reasons. I am very independent and have lived on my own since 18. My mother is retired and 70. I found it somewhat stressful or infringement on freedom with room mates but when its my mom it has been even more so.
i dont think i would mind as much if we had our own space but it will be 1-2 years of my husband working on it. Construction can be stressful when youre family is the one completing everything and its in the process let alone youre living in the space. I know the sacrifice of construction because we have done it before and im not really up for the stress of it. This has created tension between me and my husband. Because were not really able move financially, for a couple of years until the renovation is completed, also his business requires the use of land to store his business equipment which would be difficult to store at another place. If he commutes between places it could mean a loss for the business.
We dont really want to live seperately, were also starting a new family. Any ideas and solutions for improving living situation or reducing stress?
I am currently living with my husband in two story house. We have been in the process of remodeling since we moved around 10 years ago. He replaced floor with handmade hardwood floors. Also, renovating basement, by himself which is one reason why its taken so long.We also have had room mates to help with living expenses in the past.
My mom moved in with us a couple of monthes ago.
This was an agreement that we had decided to make ten years ago with everyone involved in that it would benefit all of us financially etc, helping each other out. My mother was the one that bought the house and it is paid off. We will get it willed to us.
We are working on remodeling the basement because currently we are sharing the common areas of the kitchen living room and laundry space. Before we wanted it to be seperate but we werent able to get it done before she moved in.
So, im finding it stressful living with my mom in this way for various reasons. I am very independent and have lived on my own since 18. My mother is retired and 70. I found it somewhat stressful or infringement on freedom with room mates but when its my mom it has been even more so.
i dont think i would mind as much if we had our own space but it will be 1-2 years of my husband working on it. Construction can be stressful when youre family is the one completing everything and its in the process let alone youre living in the space. I know the sacrifice of construction because we have done it before and im not really up for the stress of it. This has created tension between me and my husband. Because were not really able move financially, for a couple of years until the renovation is completed, also his business requires the use of land to store his business equipment which would be difficult to store at another place. If he commutes between places it could mean a loss for the business.
We dont really want to live seperately, were also starting a new family. Any ideas and solutions for improving living situation or reducing stress?
Can you two decide that the construction needs to be done by the time you're 8 months pregnant (say, 33 weeks along) and then outline a budget and timeline for getting it done by then? You're really not going to have more time or money after the baby comes. Now is the time to really make it happen, if at all possible.
posted by salvia at 6:59 PM on July 8, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by salvia at 6:59 PM on July 8, 2016 [7 favorites]
You don't say how many bedrooms there are - but if you have a spare, for now, maybe it can become a little sitting room for either you or your mother.
Like another little living room, perhaps with a daybed/comfy sofa, mini fridge and microwave/toaster oven on a kitchen cart and whatever hobbies/activities help you or her to relieve stress? Then there's a retreat! With snacks at hand! So common areas can stay common and sociable, but this is the room that is for relaxing in a place that's not a bedroom, and where when it's occupied, others know to give someone a little space.
posted by peagood at 7:03 PM on July 8, 2016
Like another little living room, perhaps with a daybed/comfy sofa, mini fridge and microwave/toaster oven on a kitchen cart and whatever hobbies/activities help you or her to relieve stress? Then there's a retreat! With snacks at hand! So common areas can stay common and sociable, but this is the room that is for relaxing in a place that's not a bedroom, and where when it's occupied, others know to give someone a little space.
posted by peagood at 7:03 PM on July 8, 2016
Time is money, and stress is expensive. Reconsider the idea that the basement is going to be a 1-2 year solo project. That's nuts. This is not the best use of your resources, in light of the baby, mom, and the equipment.
What is the current expected budget for the basement project, in terms of money and time commitment? What's up with the long, uncertain timeframe for the basement project?
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:01 PM on July 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
What is the current expected budget for the basement project, in terms of money and time commitment? What's up with the long, uncertain timeframe for the basement project?
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:01 PM on July 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: We are planning on hiring some people and he is going to help out to make sure things
go as we want them. Its taken a long time because he has had to do labor on his own as part of the agreement.
The other side of the basement is unfinished and it is not reasonable to get done in 8 monthes. Were doing electric, plumbing, drywall, kitchen, and living room.
We have a shared living room space and she has her own sitting room. We only eat together one night a week.
1-2 years is a approximate time frame. Yea we can make a more definite timeframe but if you have experience w doing construction it is approximate.
posted by Lillian7 at 8:38 PM on July 8, 2016
go as we want them. Its taken a long time because he has had to do labor on his own as part of the agreement.
The other side of the basement is unfinished and it is not reasonable to get done in 8 monthes. Were doing electric, plumbing, drywall, kitchen, and living room.
We have a shared living room space and she has her own sitting room. We only eat together one night a week.
1-2 years is a approximate time frame. Yea we can make a more definite timeframe but if you have experience w doing construction it is approximate.
posted by Lillian7 at 8:38 PM on July 8, 2016
Response by poster: Hiring contractors doubles the renovation price.
posted by Lillian7 at 8:39 PM on July 8, 2016
posted by Lillian7 at 8:39 PM on July 8, 2016
You're talking about moving out! Hire the people and screw the doubled price. A separate set of housing costs will not be cheaper.
An unfinished basement can be finished much faster than 8 months. These timelines are ridiculous, even if you're doing the work mainly yourselves on weekends. (I've done it, excluding the kitchen.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:44 PM on July 8, 2016 [10 favorites]
An unfinished basement can be finished much faster than 8 months. These timelines are ridiculous, even if you're doing the work mainly yourselves on weekends. (I've done it, excluding the kitchen.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:44 PM on July 8, 2016 [10 favorites]
Can you pin down specific things your mom is doing that drive you nuts? That's the first step in finding a way to deal with them for a while. Focus on behavior. For example, maybe you need to reorganize the kitchen, etc. to suit another person, more dishes, more meals?
Also, I agree with the other posters, it shouldn't take that long and hire as much help as you can.
posted by momus_window at 9:06 PM on July 8, 2016
Also, I agree with the other posters, it shouldn't take that long and hire as much help as you can.
posted by momus_window at 9:06 PM on July 8, 2016
Can you take out a small HELOC on the house (or your mother if she is the technical owner) that would pay for the cost upfront and you pay it off over time?
When the baby comes, living with your mother is either going to be the best thing that ever happened or the worst. I suspect having a built in baby sitter and another pair of hands will be a huge benefit, but I don't know your mother or your relationship with her. My point it that suffering a little now for the benefits later (if you perceive them to be benefits) is worth a lot in my book.
If you are considering moving out, I assume that will cost you money in terms of rent and utilities. If that is the only option, why not offer to pay the same amount for your mother to move out temporarily until the basement is finished or the baby comes?
Reducing stress will come from separation from your mother. I would get a set of headphones and put them on and read a book or listen to music, but just having them on signals to leave you alone. Also, is there something your mother coudl do to get out of the house like join a mah jong game or go to a senior center to get some friends?
Also, are there friends you and/or your husband have that you can call in a favor and have some sort of work party one weekend a month for a few months to help speed up the construction? A few guys doing the rough work, studs, etc can go way faster than you two alone.
posted by AugustWest at 9:10 PM on July 8, 2016
When the baby comes, living with your mother is either going to be the best thing that ever happened or the worst. I suspect having a built in baby sitter and another pair of hands will be a huge benefit, but I don't know your mother or your relationship with her. My point it that suffering a little now for the benefits later (if you perceive them to be benefits) is worth a lot in my book.
If you are considering moving out, I assume that will cost you money in terms of rent and utilities. If that is the only option, why not offer to pay the same amount for your mother to move out temporarily until the basement is finished or the baby comes?
Reducing stress will come from separation from your mother. I would get a set of headphones and put them on and read a book or listen to music, but just having them on signals to leave you alone. Also, is there something your mother coudl do to get out of the house like join a mah jong game or go to a senior center to get some friends?
Also, are there friends you and/or your husband have that you can call in a favor and have some sort of work party one weekend a month for a few months to help speed up the construction? A few guys doing the rough work, studs, etc can go way faster than you two alone.
posted by AugustWest at 9:10 PM on July 8, 2016
I certainly don't mean to be flippant about the increased cost of hiring (sub)contractors, but I agree with scrittore : you need to consider getting help.
My boyfriend built out a level of his home, and it took years as he would do the housework after he got home from his normal job and on weekends. In our current house, we've hired contractors for the most part, not because boyfriend couldn't do the work, but because we both want him to spend time on the rest of life. You and your family need him to be spending his time and energy on things other than the construction.
I would definitely consider couples therapy so you guys can work on coping and communication strategies now, before the baby, so you'll have some tools in place to maintain strong communication and boundaries in the future. It absolutely is going to be a stressful situation, so don't hesitate to get help wherever you can find it!
posted by queseyo at 10:11 PM on July 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
My boyfriend built out a level of his home, and it took years as he would do the housework after he got home from his normal job and on weekends. In our current house, we've hired contractors for the most part, not because boyfriend couldn't do the work, but because we both want him to spend time on the rest of life. You and your family need him to be spending his time and energy on things other than the construction.
I would definitely consider couples therapy so you guys can work on coping and communication strategies now, before the baby, so you'll have some tools in place to maintain strong communication and boundaries in the future. It absolutely is going to be a stressful situation, so don't hesitate to get help wherever you can find it!
posted by queseyo at 10:11 PM on July 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
I say this with sympathy and not a gram of judgement: you have bitten off more than you can chew. From details in your question I'm guessing your husband cares about well-done work and might even be quite talented, but does not have professional experience in many of the skill areas needed for a project of this scope, so he's muddling through using some combination of reading, youtube how-to videos, advice from friends and plain intuition. He's probably also hamstrung by incomplete and/or poor-quality tools, and the inefficienies of working alone on tasks for which a second set of hands would be profoundly helpful. There might be a cloud of perceived failure threatening to rain shame over the whole enterprise, what with all the time you've already spent, the promises made, the financial entanglements with your mom, and maybe you feel that the only way to hold your heads high is to continue on the path you originally laid out. But rigidly sticking to that path is making you miserable, and a baby is only going to make living this way even harder.
If you want to live more happily then you're going to have to change the plan. Lower your standards and/or raise the remodeling budget. Get serious help. Defer the fine handcrafty aspects of the work until some later time, after your family finds an equilibrium that allows you to work at them in smaller pieces so that the entire household isn't in chaos all the time.
I know first-hand that immersion in a long, slow remodeling project can become a lifestyle unto itself -- one that involves excessive dust and inconvenience, but also learning, creative expression and a kind of intimacy with one's physical environment. Try and think of the necessary adjustments as a fully appropriate (even heroic and self-sacrificing!) shift in lifestyle for the sake of your changing family.
posted by jon1270 at 1:35 AM on July 9, 2016 [12 favorites]
If you want to live more happily then you're going to have to change the plan. Lower your standards and/or raise the remodeling budget. Get serious help. Defer the fine handcrafty aspects of the work until some later time, after your family finds an equilibrium that allows you to work at them in smaller pieces so that the entire household isn't in chaos all the time.
I know first-hand that immersion in a long, slow remodeling project can become a lifestyle unto itself -- one that involves excessive dust and inconvenience, but also learning, creative expression and a kind of intimacy with one's physical environment. Try and think of the necessary adjustments as a fully appropriate (even heroic and self-sacrificing!) shift in lifestyle for the sake of your changing family.
posted by jon1270 at 1:35 AM on July 9, 2016 [12 favorites]
Speaking as someone who grew up in the situation your child will be in (I was 4 when we moved into the house, my sister was born in the middle of the mess...).
You need to hire it done so it's finished by the time baby gets here. Take out a loan. Start hitting underground poker games. Sell a kidney. What ever it takes to pay for it.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 4:54 AM on July 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
You need to hire it done so it's finished by the time baby gets here. Take out a loan. Start hitting underground poker games. Sell a kidney. What ever it takes to pay for it.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 4:54 AM on July 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yeah, you need to hire a contractor and just get it done, and it shouldn't take more than 2 months, tops.
Especially because a baby's coming, you're going to need the other parent around to be a parent, not stick you with the kid while they finish the basement (and finish the basement and finish the basement and finish the basement with no end date in sight, which is what it will feel like).
Imagine how nice it will be be to leave this in the hands of a contractor, KNOW it will be gorgeous in less than 2 months, and finally be able to relax.
Hire someone. It is worth the cost in so many ways, not the least of which is your sanity.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:20 AM on July 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Especially because a baby's coming, you're going to need the other parent around to be a parent, not stick you with the kid while they finish the basement (and finish the basement and finish the basement and finish the basement with no end date in sight, which is what it will feel like).
Imagine how nice it will be be to leave this in the hands of a contractor, KNOW it will be gorgeous in less than 2 months, and finally be able to relax.
Hire someone. It is worth the cost in so many ways, not the least of which is your sanity.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:20 AM on July 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Before you invest so much time and money on the property, it sounds like it is owned by your mother at the moment with an agreement to deed it to you when she passes. Is this agreement in writing and has it been reviewed by a lawyer? Do you have some sort of lien on the property? If your mother requires expensive medical care, will her nursing home/the state be able to claim her assets?
posted by quercus23 at 5:48 AM on July 9, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by quercus23 at 5:48 AM on July 9, 2016 [8 favorites]
Your timelines for past and future work are confusing, as it is possible to complete those jobs in less time, even working only evenings/weekends.
I agree with many of the above comments - hire out the work that takes him the most time - framing, drywalling/mudding, plumbing/electrical and you can be done in much less time.
posted by walkinginsunshine at 8:19 AM on July 9, 2016
I agree with many of the above comments - hire out the work that takes him the most time - framing, drywalling/mudding, plumbing/electrical and you can be done in much less time.
posted by walkinginsunshine at 8:19 AM on July 9, 2016
Yes, there are certain things that are fairly cheap and would save you a lot of time (e.g., painting, drywalling) or physical effort (e.g., granite counters). OTOH, there are certain tasks (electrical) that are expensive and not that hard. Even pregnant, you could be help run wire and wire outlets. You could think carefully about where to spend your money most strategically.
posted by salvia at 3:07 PM on July 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 3:07 PM on July 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
As others have said this is the time to throw money at this problem and get the basement finished. If the mortgage is paid off a loan can be secured on the property.
But you need to have a chat with your husband and a lawyer about the living arrangement because worst case your family home may be used to pay your mother's care or she leaves it to somebody else and your new family is equally homeless when she passes. That's no kind of basis for investment decisions/ spending a significant amount of time and effort on property improvements.
Once you have a good understanding of the legal situation and potential remedies that protect you and your family you also need to sit down your mother and discuss how these things may be resolved. The goal has to be an arrangement that protects you and that you can all be comfortable with. If she refuses to engage in this discussion then the basement is the least of your problems.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:54 AM on July 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
But you need to have a chat with your husband and a lawyer about the living arrangement because worst case your family home may be used to pay your mother's care or she leaves it to somebody else and your new family is equally homeless when she passes. That's no kind of basis for investment decisions/ spending a significant amount of time and effort on property improvements.
Once you have a good understanding of the legal situation and potential remedies that protect you and your family you also need to sit down your mother and discuss how these things may be resolved. The goal has to be an arrangement that protects you and that you can all be comfortable with. If she refuses to engage in this discussion then the basement is the least of your problems.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:54 AM on July 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
Man that is a tough knot to untangle. It sounds like you need to have a Big Conversation with your husband. Does he know how frustrated and stressed you feel? Does he know that moving out is something you're considering?
I'm a little confused about the renovations--are you renovating the main floor too or just building out a suite in the basement for your mom?
Something to consider: What does your ideal situation look like? If the basement suite were done tomorrow, would that make living with your mother just fine again? Or is living with her not what you thought it would be? It's okay if you feel you don't want to live with your mother at all--that just requires a different solution.
It also sounds like your husband is a procrastinator/perfectionist? If you can borrow the money to make these renovations happen, I'd suggest you take control of the project. It sounds like he's taking his sweet time hiring people to help or maybe he's doing something to turn people off to helping him? I took charge of hiring a general contractor and some other people to renovate our house and it turned out great. In three months, we had the whole house rewired and replumbed. The bathroom and kitchen were taken down to the studs and rebuilt. The hardwood floors were refinished and we had new ceilings installed in the entire house. And we didn't have an army of people or even a particularly great contractor but I asked lots of questions and occasionally harassed people to follow through on stuff and it worked out. I encourage you to take charge of your living situation. Your husband has had 10 years to try to do this stuff. It could be your turn. You don't need eight months to finish out an unfinished basement--you need professionals.
Also, sorry to add to the stress pile, but the advice above about verifying all the legal stuff is smart. Take heed of that if you haven't already.
posted by purple_bird at 10:29 AM on July 11, 2016
I'm a little confused about the renovations--are you renovating the main floor too or just building out a suite in the basement for your mom?
Something to consider: What does your ideal situation look like? If the basement suite were done tomorrow, would that make living with your mother just fine again? Or is living with her not what you thought it would be? It's okay if you feel you don't want to live with your mother at all--that just requires a different solution.
It also sounds like your husband is a procrastinator/perfectionist? If you can borrow the money to make these renovations happen, I'd suggest you take control of the project. It sounds like he's taking his sweet time hiring people to help or maybe he's doing something to turn people off to helping him? I took charge of hiring a general contractor and some other people to renovate our house and it turned out great. In three months, we had the whole house rewired and replumbed. The bathroom and kitchen were taken down to the studs and rebuilt. The hardwood floors were refinished and we had new ceilings installed in the entire house. And we didn't have an army of people or even a particularly great contractor but I asked lots of questions and occasionally harassed people to follow through on stuff and it worked out. I encourage you to take charge of your living situation. Your husband has had 10 years to try to do this stuff. It could be your turn. You don't need eight months to finish out an unfinished basement--you need professionals.
Also, sorry to add to the stress pile, but the advice above about verifying all the legal stuff is smart. Take heed of that if you haven't already.
posted by purple_bird at 10:29 AM on July 11, 2016
I respect the fact that this is difficult and I don't know the individual details, but to he blunt, you need a second opinion about the reasonableness of that timeframe. I work in real estate law, and also, personally, I've just got done with renovating two properties, including the gut renovation of my very own basement, including redoing the electric, plumbing, asbestos removal, converting to living space, etc. I understand that the world is full of all kinds of things, but "1-2 years" is not a normal quote for renovating a basement in this way.
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:54 PM on July 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:54 PM on July 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Just because she is living with you doesn't mean you need to eat dinner with her or entertain her or include her in everything every night.
My MIL has lived with us on and off for the past few years. We don't have a spare bedroom so she literally lives in the living room (sleeping on the couch or an air mattress on the floor) and we had to set up these kinds of rules/barriers too. Trust me, it's for everyone's benefit. She should also want some time away!
posted by joan_holloway at 6:54 PM on July 8, 2016 [4 favorites]