How to figure out this sleeping issue with partner?
July 8, 2016 5:32 PM Subscribe
I've recently begun dating someone I really like. Mostly everything is going great....until we sleep.
I've recently begun dating someone I really like. Mostly everything is going great....until we sleep.
There has been a pattern in which we have sex, and then I can't fall asleep. My entire life I've found it hard to share a bed with anyone and sleep well. Because either:
A. She cuddling me and I find it hard to sleep when someone is physically holding me
B. She is in the bed and I'm extremely sensitive to movement in the bed and I wake up everytime she does
Everytime I try to sleep over, I can't fall asleep and it's 4 AM and I just go home in order to sleep. Then I sleep fine, but I still have a rough next day as my rhythm is thrown off.
Sleep is really important to me. I find if I don't get at least my 8 hours, my entire next day is pretty much ruined and I am not productive. This is also an important time right now as I have a lot of important things I need to focus on - interviewing for a new job, and studying for a very important exam.
I've explained to her that I can't sleep in the same bed. She gets upset and thinks that it is not ideal and not really keen on the idea of us sleeping separately, especially after sex. I've also mentioned that it's relatively common for a lot of couples to not sleep together, and it's more sustainable in a lot of ways. She then tries to pressure me to stay, and I do - and then I can't fall asleep and have to leave at 3 AM.
I'm currently feeling a little resentful and annoyed at her for pressuring, and not respecting my needs. I'm also annoyed at myself because I just had another night where I tried to sleep and now I'm exhausted.
I guess my question is:
1) Are there strategies for sleeping better? Is this something that I just learn over time? I haven't been in a relationship for years so I wonder if I just go through a period of bad sleep
2) Is this just something incompatible between us and mean that there isn't really a solution and I need to break it off? It seems like such a silly reason when otherwise everything else is great.
I've recently begun dating someone I really like. Mostly everything is going great....until we sleep.
There has been a pattern in which we have sex, and then I can't fall asleep. My entire life I've found it hard to share a bed with anyone and sleep well. Because either:
A. She cuddling me and I find it hard to sleep when someone is physically holding me
B. She is in the bed and I'm extremely sensitive to movement in the bed and I wake up everytime she does
Everytime I try to sleep over, I can't fall asleep and it's 4 AM and I just go home in order to sleep. Then I sleep fine, but I still have a rough next day as my rhythm is thrown off.
Sleep is really important to me. I find if I don't get at least my 8 hours, my entire next day is pretty much ruined and I am not productive. This is also an important time right now as I have a lot of important things I need to focus on - interviewing for a new job, and studying for a very important exam.
I've explained to her that I can't sleep in the same bed. She gets upset and thinks that it is not ideal and not really keen on the idea of us sleeping separately, especially after sex. I've also mentioned that it's relatively common for a lot of couples to not sleep together, and it's more sustainable in a lot of ways. She then tries to pressure me to stay, and I do - and then I can't fall asleep and have to leave at 3 AM.
I'm currently feeling a little resentful and annoyed at her for pressuring, and not respecting my needs. I'm also annoyed at myself because I just had another night where I tried to sleep and now I'm exhausted.
I guess my question is:
1) Are there strategies for sleeping better? Is this something that I just learn over time? I haven't been in a relationship for years so I wonder if I just go through a period of bad sleep
2) Is this just something incompatible between us and mean that there isn't really a solution and I need to break it off? It seems like such a silly reason when otherwise everything else is great.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- taz
Also, sleep mask + ear plugs? But hopefully over time she will care less and you can think about moving to another bed.
posted by stoneandstar at 5:38 PM on July 8, 2016
posted by stoneandstar at 5:38 PM on July 8, 2016
You could come to a compromise. Look into melatonin it is natural for promoting sleep. You can cuddle for a time after sex than sleep together for a couple nights. Also, make sure you cuddle during other times other than sex so she feels connected without sex and it wont be as big of an issue around sleeping. Also connecting emotionally is important. She can sleep over at your place or sleep in seperate bedrooms/beds for other nights.
Or another option would be to just cuddle after sex and sleep at your own places and bedrooms. However, you have to connect afterwards, also maybe it would be fine of you leave once she falls asleep.
posted by Lillian7 at 5:42 PM on July 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Or another option would be to just cuddle after sex and sleep at your own places and bedrooms. However, you have to connect afterwards, also maybe it would be fine of you leave once she falls asleep.
posted by Lillian7 at 5:42 PM on July 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
A California King-sized Tempur-pedic bed totally fixed this for me. I can't feel any motion at all from the other side of the bed. Separate bedding, and/or Stoneandstar's idea of two beds pushed together. This is totally solvable.
posted by Huck500 at 5:44 PM on July 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Huck500 at 5:44 PM on July 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
How big is the bed? When my husband and I began sharing a bed, I had a double bed. He routinely put his pillow on my face and laid on it in the middle of the night. A king-size bed has solved the majority of our problems. Also, you might want to talk to your doctor about a mild sleep aid to help you stay asleep once you fall asleep. I do also know some couples that have separate beds, so that may be the answer. If she always falls asleep first, would she be open with you two sharing until she's asleep, at which time you move to another bed?
posted by epj at 5:50 PM on July 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by epj at 5:50 PM on July 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
Also, I totally get your annoyance and physical need for sleep (valid!!) but I think her emotional need for closeness is not something you can totally dismiss as not "real." I've been on both sides of the dilemma and it really does hurt, for whatever hormonal/emotional/bonding reasons.
posted by stoneandstar at 5:56 PM on July 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by stoneandstar at 5:56 PM on July 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks all! But are there any short term solutions that don't involve getting a new bed?
posted by pando11 at 6:05 PM on July 8, 2016
posted by pando11 at 6:05 PM on July 8, 2016
I was thinking that a new bed wouldn't be the trick since it's a new relationship.
Is the problem just when you're sexing/sleeping at her place? Do you sleep better at your place? (I know that I don't sleep well in unfamiliar environments). So is it possible to sex/sleep at her place on the weekends (where you can compensate with a lie in or a nap) and at your place on weekdays, or any evening before something important is happening? At the very least, you can get up and go to the couch or whatever rather than schlepp to an entirely different apt/house.
Also nthing melatonin.
Also nthing to make sure you have physical intimacy that isn't defined by either initiating or reminiscing about the sex. Also, also: you might consider having sex earlier (I do like Dan Savage's advice to f*&! first, like before you go out for dinner and drinks), so that you have time to cuddle afterwards and then go home and sleep (or out to dinner and drinks).
posted by pinkacademic at 6:15 PM on July 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Is the problem just when you're sexing/sleeping at her place? Do you sleep better at your place? (I know that I don't sleep well in unfamiliar environments). So is it possible to sex/sleep at her place on the weekends (where you can compensate with a lie in or a nap) and at your place on weekdays, or any evening before something important is happening? At the very least, you can get up and go to the couch or whatever rather than schlepp to an entirely different apt/house.
Also nthing melatonin.
Also nthing to make sure you have physical intimacy that isn't defined by either initiating or reminiscing about the sex. Also, also: you might consider having sex earlier (I do like Dan Savage's advice to f*&! first, like before you go out for dinner and drinks), so that you have time to cuddle afterwards and then go home and sleep (or out to dinner and drinks).
posted by pinkacademic at 6:15 PM on July 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
The first night my husband slept over in the dorms in my tiny twin bed I threw a blanket at him and said "Hey, Sorry, I don't share blankets or cuddle when I sleep" and internally he had a huge sigh of relief.
Neither of us can sleep under the same blanket, too close together, or cuddling.
I too had MAJOR issues adjusting to sharing a bed with someone. Even at sleepovers as a teen I would hardly sleep because someone moved or I didn't to move and wake them up or whatever. Even though I really enjoy cuddling.
Gently, explain that you just - at least at this point - can't sleep sharing a bed with someone. That you're happy to cuddle for X amount of time before you head home or head to another room. That it doesn't mean you don't care about them or don't want to spend time with them but it will take some adjustment (if you want to take some adjustment time) but when you have something important the next day you won't be able to stay in the same bed.
That said - beyond the snoring and weirdness that my husband does - I do really enjoy sharing a bed with him. My enjoyment went WAY up when we got a king size bed. I looked at him fondly before it was delivered and said "Gosh, I can't wait until I can sleep thirteen inches further away from your face." (We had a full.)
So, adjustment can be done. I adjusted. I don't remember how long it took but it was probably more like months than weeks. We also did it slowly. There was the stray night here and there, then weekends, then he stayed with me for a while, then we moved in together.
Now I feel kinda weird if he's NOT in bed with me though I can say I probably sleep slightly better if he's not there. Therefore if you DO want to adjust to it a bit so you can stay over a little bit - without cuddling or something - then try it over the weekend or some time when you don't have anything to do the next day.
Although I also think it's perfectly fine to not be able to share a bed.
posted by Crystalinne at 6:16 PM on July 8, 2016 [7 favorites]
Neither of us can sleep under the same blanket, too close together, or cuddling.
I too had MAJOR issues adjusting to sharing a bed with someone. Even at sleepovers as a teen I would hardly sleep because someone moved or I didn't to move and wake them up or whatever. Even though I really enjoy cuddling.
Gently, explain that you just - at least at this point - can't sleep sharing a bed with someone. That you're happy to cuddle for X amount of time before you head home or head to another room. That it doesn't mean you don't care about them or don't want to spend time with them but it will take some adjustment (if you want to take some adjustment time) but when you have something important the next day you won't be able to stay in the same bed.
That said - beyond the snoring and weirdness that my husband does - I do really enjoy sharing a bed with him. My enjoyment went WAY up when we got a king size bed. I looked at him fondly before it was delivered and said "Gosh, I can't wait until I can sleep thirteen inches further away from your face." (We had a full.)
So, adjustment can be done. I adjusted. I don't remember how long it took but it was probably more like months than weeks. We also did it slowly. There was the stray night here and there, then weekends, then he stayed with me for a while, then we moved in together.
Now I feel kinda weird if he's NOT in bed with me though I can say I probably sleep slightly better if he's not there. Therefore if you DO want to adjust to it a bit so you can stay over a little bit - without cuddling or something - then try it over the weekend or some time when you don't have anything to do the next day.
Although I also think it's perfectly fine to not be able to share a bed.
posted by Crystalinne at 6:16 PM on July 8, 2016 [7 favorites]
Weeknights, have sex & cuddle before evening activity. After evening activity, go to bed separately.
Weekends, have sex in the morning and cuddle and hang out in bed after.
Eventually, get a California King size bed. Solves all these problems.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:20 PM on July 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Weekends, have sex in the morning and cuddle and hang out in bed after.
Eventually, get a California King size bed. Solves all these problems.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:20 PM on July 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm married. My wife and I have separate queen-size mattresses (to make a very large bed) pushed together and our own comforters. We like to sleep alone.
I think you are well within your rights to want to sleep alone, and your girlfriend should understand why that is. In an ideal world.
posted by My Dad at 6:23 PM on July 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
I think you are well within your rights to want to sleep alone, and your girlfriend should understand why that is. In an ideal world.
posted by My Dad at 6:23 PM on July 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Does this only happen if you're at her place, and not vice-versa?
posted by kickingtheground at 6:23 PM on July 8, 2016
posted by kickingtheground at 6:23 PM on July 8, 2016
Response by poster: Mostly at her place. I hesitate to have her over at mine because that means I have nothing to retreat to for sleep.
posted by pando11 at 6:42 PM on July 8, 2016
posted by pando11 at 6:42 PM on July 8, 2016
Is there another place you sleep ie spare room or pull out couch? Have sex, she falls asleep, you move to the other bed. Or she falls asleep and you head home.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 6:43 PM on July 8, 2016
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 6:43 PM on July 8, 2016
I mean don't wait until 3am. As soon as she's asleep, you make your move.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 6:44 PM on July 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 6:44 PM on July 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
The Late Mr. Nerd and I got twin beds in late '08 once his back problems started and we had to ditch the waterbed. Once climbing stairs got too hard for him, we moved his bed downstairs.
I've been sleeping next to my Sweetie for the better part of a year--much moreso for the past 6 months--and it took me awhile to get used to it. I can still fall asleep faster when I sleep alone, but I am able to fall and stay asleep.
posted by luckynerd at 6:44 PM on July 8, 2016
I've been sleeping next to my Sweetie for the better part of a year--much moreso for the past 6 months--and it took me awhile to get used to it. I can still fall asleep faster when I sleep alone, but I am able to fall and stay asleep.
posted by luckynerd at 6:44 PM on July 8, 2016
Two twin duvets (one for each of you). Scandinavian style!
posted by unknowncommand at 6:45 PM on July 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by unknowncommand at 6:45 PM on July 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
It seems like such a silly reason when otherwise everything else is great.
I don't think it's a silly reason, especially since you've only just met. Dealbreakers aren't always about how you feel about someone, un/fortunately.
posted by listen, lady at 6:57 PM on July 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
I don't think it's a silly reason, especially since you've only just met. Dealbreakers aren't always about how you feel about someone, un/fortunately.
posted by listen, lady at 6:57 PM on July 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
White noise machine and/or sleep headphones? Also, would she be ok with cuddling for a while and then separating? I can almost never sleep when I'm in contact with my beloved, so we always have a goodnight kiss right around when he's falling asleep, and then we retreat to our separate corners.
posted by mskyle at 7:05 PM on July 8, 2016
posted by mskyle at 7:05 PM on July 8, 2016
I had this problem with my current partner. It just sort of... went away after a while. I vote keep sleeping together (try weekends).
posted by J. Wilson at 7:47 PM on July 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 7:47 PM on July 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
I should add, cuddle for a bit then say goodnight and retreat to separate sides of the bed.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:48 PM on July 8, 2016
posted by J. Wilson at 7:48 PM on July 8, 2016
Best answer: I think the sleep issue is pretty fixable. There are lots of practical solutions for that, and a lot of great suggestions above. I've never been able to sleep with someone touching me, and I have a lot of trouble sharing a bed, and it has never been an issue in my relationships because all of my partners have understood that my sleep issues and needs are not about them. So that's not what I'm worried about for you. What I'm worried about is this:
I've explained to her that I can't sleep in the same bed. She gets upset and thinks that it is not ideal and not really keen on the idea of us sleeping separately, especially after sex. I've also mentioned that it's relatively common for a lot of couples to not sleep together, and it's more sustainable in a lot of ways. She then tries to pressure me to stay, and I do - and then I can't fall asleep and have to leave at 3 AM.
I'm currently feeling a little resentful and annoyed at her for pressuring, and not respecting my needs. I'm also annoyed at myself because I just had another night where I tried to sleep and now I'm exhausted.
One or both of two things are true:
1) The two of you are not communicating well and you need to find a better way to communicate so that she can actually hear you saying that this may be a deal-breaker for you, and so that you can talk productively about how she can get her emotional needs met without endangering your health. And make no mistake about it; sleep deprivation, especially over the long term, is a health issue.
2) You're understanding each other just fine, and she just doesn't care. Because I hear a lot of what you're trying to do to accommodate her--letting her fall asleep holding you even though you don't like it, sneaking out in the middle of the night so she doesn't get upset, giving in when she pressures you--and nothing about what she's doing to accommodate you. That's not sustainable. And being pressured and guilted by your partner to do things you don't want to consent to is definitely an issue that you should break up over, even if the underlying disagreement is less serious.
I think you need to figure out whether she understands how serious this is for you, that it is ruining your day every day after you stay up all night, and that it's not sustainable. You're not being a light sleeper to spite her, or because you don't like her. That's just how you are, and she can either work with you to figure out how to handle it, or she can leave you. Coercing you to do things you're uncomfortable with is not a viable option. If she grasps that this is a real issue and is willing to work with you on some of the practical solutions above, then I think this won't be a problem. If she insists that her desire to have you lying awake next to her while she sleeps is more important than your sleep, and continues to respond with pressure when you assert your needs, then I think that's a deal-breaker.
posted by decathecting at 8:02 PM on July 8, 2016 [26 favorites]
I've explained to her that I can't sleep in the same bed. She gets upset and thinks that it is not ideal and not really keen on the idea of us sleeping separately, especially after sex. I've also mentioned that it's relatively common for a lot of couples to not sleep together, and it's more sustainable in a lot of ways. She then tries to pressure me to stay, and I do - and then I can't fall asleep and have to leave at 3 AM.
I'm currently feeling a little resentful and annoyed at her for pressuring, and not respecting my needs. I'm also annoyed at myself because I just had another night where I tried to sleep and now I'm exhausted.
One or both of two things are true:
1) The two of you are not communicating well and you need to find a better way to communicate so that she can actually hear you saying that this may be a deal-breaker for you, and so that you can talk productively about how she can get her emotional needs met without endangering your health. And make no mistake about it; sleep deprivation, especially over the long term, is a health issue.
2) You're understanding each other just fine, and she just doesn't care. Because I hear a lot of what you're trying to do to accommodate her--letting her fall asleep holding you even though you don't like it, sneaking out in the middle of the night so she doesn't get upset, giving in when she pressures you--and nothing about what she's doing to accommodate you. That's not sustainable. And being pressured and guilted by your partner to do things you don't want to consent to is definitely an issue that you should break up over, even if the underlying disagreement is less serious.
I think you need to figure out whether she understands how serious this is for you, that it is ruining your day every day after you stay up all night, and that it's not sustainable. You're not being a light sleeper to spite her, or because you don't like her. That's just how you are, and she can either work with you to figure out how to handle it, or she can leave you. Coercing you to do things you're uncomfortable with is not a viable option. If she grasps that this is a real issue and is willing to work with you on some of the practical solutions above, then I think this won't be a problem. If she insists that her desire to have you lying awake next to her while she sleeps is more important than your sleep, and continues to respond with pressure when you assert your needs, then I think that's a deal-breaker.
posted by decathecting at 8:02 PM on July 8, 2016 [26 favorites]
2nding decathecting. Treat this as a communication issue, not a sleep issue. The two of you should work together to come up with a solution that works for both of you.
posted by she's not there at 8:19 PM on July 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by she's not there at 8:19 PM on July 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
Why do you have to leave? Can't you sleep on the couch or on an air mattress on the floor beside the bed so you're still there in the morning and can crawl in to bed to cuddle in the morning again. And maybe even have sex again?
Also have a glass of wine after sex? Or before. But obviously not enough to affect.... performance.
posted by taff at 9:13 PM on July 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also have a glass of wine after sex? Or before. But obviously not enough to affect.... performance.
posted by taff at 9:13 PM on July 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
my husband and i for the first few months of our relationshp both swore we loved waking up every single time the other one rolled over, and one of us rolls waaaaay more than the other, but ah, how cute! and pretty shortly thereafter we moved to separate blanket situations that confounds the other, sleep in a king bed with a pillow top (so less bounce), and sleep blissfully near, but basically wholly apart from each other. unrelated, but maybe related, we also pretty much totally uncouple sex from bed time. both things can become too fraught to mix them up too often. evening sex, cuddling, dinner, hanging out - lots of good feelings swarming all around - and then many hours later we sleep - blissfully near, but basically wholly apart from each other. it's perfect.
posted by nadawi at 10:13 PM on July 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 10:13 PM on July 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
I would attempt to discover if a larger bed would solve the problem. While the larger bed is a long term rather than short term solution, knowing that a larger bed would solve the problem might make it easier to accept that for now you will go home to sleep after sex. So, to find out, get a hotel room with a large bed and try to spend the night together.
posted by hworth at 10:21 PM on July 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by hworth at 10:21 PM on July 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
I have explained to each of my partners that I cannot sleep with them. I bought a cheap three-part futon thing from Costco for 50 bucks and when I am in a relationship it lives at my sweetheart's house. We cuddle at bedtime and then I slip out of sweetie's bed into my little nest next to it. There are two beds at my place. It's really hard to tell a new person that as much as I want to be able to sleep with them, not just have sex with them, I can cuddle but not sleep. That's just part of the package that is me. And if that's not acceptable, then they have to go elsewhere because sleep is nonnegotiable. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 10:34 PM on July 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 10:34 PM on July 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
I could never, ever live with/marry a man who could not cuddle with me and spend the whole night in bed with me, near me if not entirely entangled with me. For me, this is The Way It Must Be.
Ask your GF if this is a deal breaker for her. If so, you've got your answer. If not, ask what alternatives would work, and see if you can work with any of her suggestions.
posted by Capri at 11:30 PM on July 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Ask your GF if this is a deal breaker for her. If so, you've got your answer. If not, ask what alternatives would work, and see if you can work with any of her suggestions.
posted by Capri at 11:30 PM on July 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
I was never a cuddler and always loved my king sized bed with my former husband. when I started dating my new boyfriend, he had a queen (which is way tiny imho) and he was a massive cuddler. I was crawling out of my skin for the first few months every time we had a sleep over! we solved the problem by cuddling for a bit then separating as far as possible to sleep. hopefully I was asleep before he found me and snuggled me up again. sometimes I still wake up all cuddled and have to gently detangle to get back to sleep but mostly I have gotten use to it.
you could always go sleep on the couch and then come back to bed in the morning...
posted by Izzi at 1:25 PM on July 15, 2016
you could always go sleep on the couch and then come back to bed in the morning...
posted by Izzi at 1:25 PM on July 15, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
Even just a bigger bed might help?
posted by stoneandstar at 5:37 PM on July 8, 2016 [8 favorites]