How do you tell someone to stop saying "I told you so"?
July 7, 2016 1:29 AM   Subscribe

You have bad news/concern about yourself. You tell someone about what's going on. The person says that it is your own fault - which is true, but seems like a variant of I told you so. You tell that person it seems like the wrong time to say that. The person doubles down on the statement. You walk away from the person - swearing to yourself that you won't ever talk to them about bad news/concerns about yourself. This feels like a big case of "I told you so", which I hate. How could this have gone better?

Context: Today I emailed a doctor some symptoms (X) I've been experiencing for a year, and he said it could be Y, and recommended a very unpleasant diagnostic procedure Z to see if they can see what's going on. Of course, X is exacerbated by some of my poor lifestyle decisions around diet.

Being very sad about this turn of events, I told my spouse.
Spouse: This has been going on for a while, and you didn't do anything about it. You could've done A, B, C.
Me: Thanks for reminding me what I'm doing wrong in my life. This is just like home*.
Spouse: Well it's true. You shouldn't be doing D, E, F.
Me: Do you really think now is the best time to tell me how I could be doing a better job.
Spouse: I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say. If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll end up with Condition G.
Me:
Spouse:
Both:

But wait - what's the * footnote in "home*"? Even more backstory! I have a terrible relationship with my mom, in that I don't tell her anything. Especially if its bad news. Here's a classic example from my childhood involving my sister and my mom:

Sister:
Mom: See? I told you not to eat that. Now look at what happened. Now look at the mess. Why don't you ever listen to me?
Sister:
Mom: Poor me. I try to help. All I want to do is help, but you never listen. And this is what happens.
Sister: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP x 5
Mom: Don't tell me to shut up. If you listened to me, this wouldn't happen.


Now, my spouse isn't as bad as my mom. But I feel like things are going in the direction where I'm just going to stop telling my spouse bad things.

Nothing my spouse said was not true. But they're also not 100% accurate (unclear if I changed my lifestyle that my problem would go completely away - though it would help.) Nor do I find them helpful in situations where I'm already feeling bad.

Going back to the conversation with my spouse above - what could I have done differently (maybe not be super sarcastic?)? Am I wrong in expecting less "I told you so"? What would've been a better version of this conversation?

How do I tell my spouse how I feel about her behavior?
posted by Mushroom12345 to Human Relations (30 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: Have the conversation about this need at some neutral point on a normal day, when you don't have a complaint/concern on your mind already. It's very difficult to get your point across rationally when you're in the middle of being actively upset over something he's doing right now, and no one takes "stop that, right now" nearly as well as they take "in the future, could you please try..."
posted by SMPA at 2:16 AM on July 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


Best answer: "I've noticed that sometimes when I share something with you that is bothering me, you focus on any factors involving me being at fault. While I understand that you're trying to help with suggestions or showing how something came about, there are times in which this response isn't appropriate. In addition, since this was something that happened in my family as well, it is especially frustrating for me. It isn't that I don't appreciate your thoughts, it is that I'm already feeling bad and it doesn't help me to feel better about an already bad situation."

"You wouldn't just up and directly tell your grandmother who was just diagnosed with lung cancer that it is all her fault for smoking for six years when she was in her teens and early 20s when she calls you to tell you that she's dying?"

I'm sending you big hugs and I hope Z isn't too terrible and that the results are good news.
posted by sciencegeek at 2:40 AM on July 7, 2016 [5 favorites]


"I feel if we keep focusing on the shoulda-coulda-wouldas, we'll make ourselves crazy over it. Right now, I feel like there's no changing it, so I want to focus on facing the issue as it stands."

I'm sorry you're going through this & I hope everything works out OK. :)
posted by mochapickle at 2:51 AM on July 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Your spouse seems to be a fixer. They are trying to offer solutions. This is not a bad trait, but it can be problematic if you are not interested in solutions at a certain moment, and instead you are looking for a sympathetic ear. Maybe it would help if you told them exactly what it is that you need? They will also feel more heard if you acknowledge the solutions you are offering, so there's a chance they'll shut up about them and be able to offer you sympathy instead. Thanking them sarcastically obviously doesn't help: they'll only say it again because you apparently haven't 'heard' it. So I wouldn't do that.

This is a script that could work, maybe:
Spouse: This has been going on for a while, and you didn't do anything about it. You could've done A, B, C.
Me: That's true, I could have done those things... but I can't do that retroactively. We can talk about [possible changes] later, but right now I could really use some sympathy.

What's happening in this reply:
- You let them know you heard them and agree
- You point out that while they are right, you can't change the past
- You let them know you are open to taking action in the future
- You tell them what you need from them right now
- You leave the past out of this, where it belongs.

If it doesn't work right away, you could try simply repeating "That is true, but it's not what I need from you right now."

Here's wishing you the best of luck. May it all turn out the way you're hoping for.
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:19 AM on July 7, 2016 [24 favorites]


Spouse: I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say.

Assuming your spouse is acting in good faith, I would preface anything like this by telling them the response you need from them.

"Tell me you love me."
"Tell me you know I can handle it."
"Tell me we're in this together."
"Ask me for details."
"Ask me what my plans are."
"Tell me you'll be with me for the diagnostic procedure."
"Tell me you'll support me when I'm ready to make a change."
"Tell me you don't want me to die on you."
"Get my favorite blanket for me and sit on the couch with me."
"Don't say anything, just hug me."

Not all of these of course, but instead of telling them what you don't want, one or two bits of guidance that tell your partner what you do want will help them be the partner you need in that moment. It's the same principle as them I-told-you-so-ing about lifestyle changes being infinitely less effective than positive support might be.

It is awkward at first, especially for someone who learned early on that being even a little bit vulnerable leads to blame and drama. But it gets easier.
posted by headnsouth at 3:23 AM on July 7, 2016 [35 favorites]


I'm having a hard time understanding why part of the response to this isn't just "I know -- you're quite right about that."

Frustrating as it must be for you, you should probably keep in mind that most spouses would find that very frustrating for themselves, too.
posted by kmennie at 3:28 AM on July 7, 2016 [38 favorites]


I'd also suggest being a lot more careful about -- especially in the heat of an unpleasant exchange -- telling your spouse that s/he's acting just like your (disliked? and disrespected?) mother. This is bound to feel like an attack, and so if it's something you need to discuss from that perspective, I'd suggest wrapping it in cautious language about your spouse's behavior merely triggering larger unresolved muck from your childhood.

(Which, trying to figure out why your question mentions the childhood anecdote at all, really seems to be the case? It sounds like you're hinting at your mom being a certain type of person in general, in which case her "I told you so" isn't really a sin on its own, but rather yet one more indication of a larger, underlying thing?)

(And maybe this was just shorthand in your writeup here, but there's something...off about referring to the house/situation you grew up in as simply "home." You're an adult. And you're married. Make your current house your home.)

But all that said, it's totally reasonable to ask your spouse to lend a supportive ear sometimes and not go immediately into troubleshooting mode! But it sounds like you also need to work through this childhood stuff on your own.
posted by nobody at 4:02 AM on July 7, 2016 [12 favorites]


I agree that in the example you conveyed, your spouse didn't come across as very emotionally supportive. That said, kmennie's point is an important one too. It's incredibly difficult to be compassionate to a spouse who can't cope with accountability, especially if that means that you are (a) left dealing with the problems they create and (b) frequently get blamed, besides.

How long have you been together? Has this dynamic always been present, or does it seem they have grown more callous?

Do you ever acknowledge the validity of what they say? It might help a lot in getting the validation you seek. Sadness and fear about your health is one thing, but shame is quite another. Yes, support around your sadness and fear would be great. Your shame response is yours to grapple with and blaming your spouse for that is problematic.
posted by Sublimity at 4:46 AM on July 7, 2016 [16 favorites]


Now, my spouse isn't as bad as my mom.

Is your spouse getting worse with time, or is this a one off that you're worried about being the start of a trend?

If it's more of a long-term issue, others are right, you want to wait for a neutral time to bring it up. Maybe come up with a list like headnsouth did, some general ideas about what you're looking for when you need emotional support. Spouse may want to be supportive, but may not know how. (Don't just start with the list though, just have it in mind so when they ask what you need you know what to say). I'd start by saying that you wanted to talk about the conversation you guys had, and you wanted to work on ways to make your communication better.

Be prepared for spouse asking for some things too. Sometimes "I told you so" or "Well, duh!" responses happen because someone feels unheard. If that's the case, you may have to negotiate some better (for you two) communication strategies so spouse feels heard along the way and you still feel supported.

Spouse could also be a fixer, and need a cue to just listen. For example, my mom is sort of like this: she's generally pretty good at listening and being sympathetic, but if it's something we've been complaining about / making worse we'll get a 'Well, what did you expect" thrown in there because she just does not have the patience for listening endlessly to an ongoing fixable problem ( I'll be honest, I can be a bit like this myself). If your spouse is more like my mom, prefacing "I just need to vent," may help (you may still get a bit of a look). I also used to have a job where I had to be very emotionally supportive, so I needed a bit of time to decompress after getting home before I could be the best listener possible.

If you've generally been ok with spouse's reactions, and this one just happens to stand out, it could be a one off thing: You're especially vulnerable (for very legitimate reasons) and spouse is a bit snippier than usual (spouse has been worried about you for a while, also legitimate). If that's the case, you may be able to proceed as usual. If you get a similar reaction in the future, directly say "I'll try to be better/ fix it tomorrow, right now I just need some sympathy/support."
posted by ghost phoneme at 4:52 AM on July 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


While I completely understand where you are coming from, I agree that you need to give your spouse more direction about what you need at a particular moment. I also view the initial responses from your spouse as falling into the "fixer" category. Additionally, I see this as your spouse expressing concern. It's worth considering that there could be a level of frustration on your spouse's part because there are very real worries primarily about how Condition G will affect you, and, secondarily, how it might impact your relationship and your shared life.

I agree responding with sarcasm sends this conversation in a negative direction. It's an understandable response, but ultimately, you want a much more positive and supportive interaction. Ask for that when you need it and respond in kind. Good luck with everything!
posted by katemcd at 4:56 AM on July 7, 2016 [3 favorites]


When people are talking about your spouse as a fixer, it makes me think of this [short, youtube] video.
posted by the twistinside at 5:12 AM on July 7, 2016 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Sounds like you've been complaining to your wife about about symptoms you've been experiencing for a full year without taking any action. That would drive me up a wall if I were her, for fear that you're in ill health sure, but primarily because you've been complaining to me for a year and I've been telling you "then do something about it" and you haven't. And on top of that you apparently have bad habits which may have contributed to this, and you know they're bad habits that can contribute to this, but instead of exercising control over that too your remedy of choice has been complaining to me. I'm not cool with that.

It's not about whether I'm a fixer, it's about the stress and annoyance of hearing someone walk into a room every week and say "this room is dark, ugh!" and I reply "there are new light bulbs in the other room." When the person changes the bulb and announces to me that's what the problem was I'm not throwing them a parade, I'm saying "No shit," in my head.

If your spouse has done this in the past too, I urge you to consider your part in each of those instances. How many times have you complained about the same thing without making an effort to change the parts that you can control? Have they told you so?
The examples from your childhood on top of this make me think that you generally have trouble accepting responsibility for your action/inaction.

And as others have said, your reaction was immature at best. I understand that you're upset but this comes back again to the fact that you're responsible for your own actions, you're responsible for taking care of yourself, and your failure to do so hurts people close to you. When in doubt always say nothing; if it turns out that it is necessary to be sarcastic and swear under your breath at her you can always go back and do that later.

Give your family every opportunity to support you by doing what you can to help change your circumstances.
posted by good lorneing at 5:44 AM on July 7, 2016 [46 favorites]


Best answer: Me: Thanks for reminding me what I'm doing wrong in my life. This is just like home*.

I too would double down if my spouse said something like this to me. This sarcasm followed by an attack; you compare her to someone you hate/disrespect/fear. This is a childish and jabbing response.

If you don't like that factual/solution based response just simply say so. Don't make it contentious. Respond by saying how you feel, not a cutting remark designed to hurt and imply how you feel.

"I would like to focus on moving forward and not the choices that lead me here right now"
posted by French Fry at 6:10 AM on July 7, 2016 [16 favorites]


Quick solution if your spouse will agree: my husband and I play a game called "advice, info, or hugs?" It goes either like:

Me: I'm really sad that X
Spouse: advice, info, or hugs?

Or

Me: I really messed up Y. Hugs first please!

Longer fix: It sounds like you grew up in a shamey-blamey household. You probably get flooded with shame over things like this. And your spouse may also have some of those qualities. Learning how to handle your own feelings so that you can ask your spouse nicely to back off a bit would help a lot. Therapy helps.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:15 AM on July 7, 2016 [41 favorites]


Victim blaming is a coping method -- and I fully admit it's not a particularly kind one -- that often comes out of love. People get scared when things go wrong for their loved ones because it takes away a sense of control over ones life. Re-asserting that control, e.g. by saying that even if you couldn't prevent this event, you know why it happened, helps to make the situation seem less like a cruel act of fate. Most people find it very challenging to feel happy and secure in a universe that randomly hurts their loved ones and blaming the victim obviates the need to acknowledge that random tragedies do occur.

All this doesn't mean you don't deserve to receive emotional support from your spouse. Likewise, it's still an unkind reaction even if it's very understandable. It really helps me to control my own reaction to these behaviors when I remember that it's probably rooted in fear and love, not a need to be "right" or assert superiority over me. I agree with others above that ultimately a better way to deal with this reaction is to redirect the conversation towards the kinds of support you want and not necessarily to engage with this line of thinking.
posted by telegraph at 6:15 AM on July 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


Am I wrong in expecting less "I told you so"?

If you've been experiencing these problems for a year, your spouse has undoubtedly heard you complain for a year - and probably kept their mouth shut countless times (or you would have mentioned it). When this particular conversation came up about what the doctor said, they probably saw this as an opportunity for them to be truthful with you and finally get off of their chest how they feel. It hurt because it was the truth.

The bottom line is that spouse loves you and wants you to be well.
posted by NoraCharles at 6:52 AM on July 7, 2016 [6 favorites]


My dad recently ended up in the hospital because of ongoing symptoms that he didn't deal with. Everyone else had been trying to get him to do something about the symptoms for a year, and it wasn't until the doctor told him to do it that he listened. Briefly. He's already back to his old ways, and we are all worried he's going to end up back in the hospital, but this time it will be really bad. We all have different ways of talking to my dad about this, but the bottom line is that health issues are scary, especially for the people who love you because they want you to be healthy, they see the easy changes you could make that would vastly promote health, you don't listen and end up unhealthy, and they worry that you will end up dying younger than you should because you lived an easily changeable but unhealthy lifestyle.

So sure, your wife could be more compassionate. But it's hard to be compassionate when that means she has to reconcile you choosing an unhealthy lifestyle and she wants you to be healthy. And sure, your health is your problem. But how this really reads to me is your wife is trying to say "see, I told you that was a problem, and I'm glad the doctor said so too, will you please listen to me in the future when I'm speaking in your best interest because I am interested in you being healthy and being by my side for a long time."
posted by DoubleLune at 7:02 AM on July 7, 2016 [13 favorites]


I am very sorry you are taking your spouse's comments as "I told you so" and that she reminds you of your mother. With that in mind, I fear I will be someone who you will regard in the same light.

When your spouse reminds you that you could have done XYZ, I swear it is both a throwback to earlier conversations when you have both voiced concerns AND also a way of letting you know that she is worried about you right now. She is vocalising her concern by highlighting ways you (plural you) can make changes.

Honestly, when I read your question and the exchanges above, I am not seeing a nagging spouse but rather a husband who is uncomfortable about lifestyle choices he has made and who is processing his internal guilt as anger towards someone external.

Sorry.
posted by kariebookish at 7:22 AM on July 7, 2016 [17 favorites]


The way to respond to your spouse's expression of frustration is to acknowledge it and ask for what you need.

"You're right, I need to be more mindful of my eating habits. But right now I'm hurting and scared, so can you offer me some support instead of blame?"

and also, this truth: if it were easy to avoid unhealthy food, you'd have done it already.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:26 AM on July 7, 2016 [3 favorites]


You may be experiencing the consequences of your actions, but it's still a bad thing happening to you. You probably want comfort, consolation, encouragement. So, ask for that.
posted by theora55 at 7:36 AM on July 7, 2016


I've been on both sides for different things. It's hugely frustrating to see someone you love engage in self-destructive behaviours that impact your life, over which you have no control. You love that person, you fear for them, you want them around. All that's valid. In a way, it's not fair to ask your spouse to just brush those concerns and frustrations aside.

OTOH, sometimes, we're just not ready to make necessary health-supporting changes. Like, I am great with diet and exercise. But I'm a heavy smoker. It's impossible not to know smoking is wrong and bad for me and everyone around me; it will hurt my family deeply if one of the possible outcomes happens to me (and them). I get bronchitis yearly, have some other issues. They nag me to quit, all the time. And they're right to. I tell them they're right, because they are.

But I'm not ready, yet. (I'm somewhere between "contemplation" and "preparation", on this model of health behaviour change.) My family is bored of hearing about it, they don't believe me. And that's fair enough, imo. So, I don't talk about it with them anymore, and honestly I don't complain about symptoms to them. Because, is it fair to get their hopes up about a quit, when I'm not sure I can deliver right now? What can they do about my symptoms? They're not experts in smoking cessation, behaviour change, or pulmonary health, either. (I mean I do let them know when I actually get bronchitis. I just don't complain about what it feels like. I think it's actually painful and frustrating for them to hear me bitch about wheezing etc., when they know it's happening because I choose to continue to smoke.)

I think your spouse might not, right now, be positioned to be the one to offer commiseration and support (just like my family might not be the best people for me to talk to about quitting smoking or how bad it is when my lungs feel like they're being squeezed from the inside).

Maybe, do like I'm doing, and look to external support for your big change. People who've been through it and come out the other side, or who are struggling with it right now, get it, in a way your spouse doesn't (and can't). There are a few online communities that offer really amazing support for weight loss (memail me if you want suggestions).

Also, try to split what's happening with you/your health/your spouse right now from whatever went on with your mom - they're different people and relationships, and these are different situations. Don't stitch it all together into a big story, it's not.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:28 AM on July 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


I am exactly like your wife. I recognize this trait in myself and I'm working on toning it down a bit, but I'll tell you where I'm coming from, and where this behavior stems from.

I'm a conservative person, you know, the type that looks both ways before crossing the road. My husband is more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants kind of guy.
I'm a "look before you leap" and he's a "leap first - what's the worst that can happen?"

We complement each other very well, in so many ways.

BUT. Invariably, there will be times when I have asked him to exert more caution, and he's plowed ahead anyway. Or I've expressed some concerns about his lifestyle choices and he's taken no notice of me. Sometimes everything will be fine, and other times it wont.

When something goes awry, I cannot help but take the stance of "BUT I ASKED YOU NOT TO DO THAT BECAUSE OF X AND X HAPPENED!!!!!!!"
And my husband always gets very defensive in his responses, makes excuses etc. etc.

This will set me off again because I feel as if I haven't been heard. When he dismisses me so easily it hurts because ultimately I was right, and I feel as though that should be acknowledged.
This pattern can easily turn into a big and long disagreement, because all I want is for him to validate me, and all he wants is to stop talking about how he messed up and not take responsibility for his actions.

I guess I'm just nthing the excellent advice above that accentuates the need to demonstrate to your wife that she has valid points and valid concerns and you should have listened to her. I definitely suffer from feeling as though, all throughout my life, people don't LISTEN to me. It's very hard in a situation where you have been categorically proven RIGHT and still, you don't get any credit for it.

I'm just trying to give you some advice from the point of view of an "I told you so-er" and hope this helps when trying to deal with that in the future!
posted by JenThePro at 8:29 AM on July 7, 2016 [6 favorites]


I agree with the other commenter's perspectives on where your wife might be coming from. But to answer your question:

Going back to the conversation with my spouse above - what could I have done differently (maybe not be super sarcastic?)? Am I wrong in expecting less "I told you so"? What would've been a better version of this conversation?

I have to ask you a question: why did you tell her? If it was to get comfort, then when she said "This has been going on for a while..." you could have said something like "Yes, I know, but right now I'm freaking out and could use some comfort"

If it was to get advice about what to do next, you could have said something like "Yes, I know, but right now I'm wondering what my next steps should be"

If it was to vent and receive sympathy for needing to have a tube shoved up your butt (or whatever Z is), you could have said something like "Yes, I know, but seriously this butt thing does not sound like fun."

Remember that she's probably worried about you because she loves you, and it hurts to see you make mistakes that are causing you distress. Move forward with forgiveness for her, and for yourself -- you know you screwed up, but the two of you can handle what comes next as a team.
posted by sparklemotion at 8:45 AM on July 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


If this is a pattern, then I would be concerned. I am no longer with a person who never wanted to be a support, and only wanted to blame. I wanted my partner to be my soft place, and instead I always felt like I was under attack. Of course, he was awful in a lot of other ways as well, but I completely understand why this would upset you.
posted by poppunkcat at 9:39 AM on July 7, 2016


I feel like my spouse gets stuck in a rut sometimes like this.

The suggestion kmennie
had of "I know -- you're quite right about that." is usually the best starting point for me. Then, when the repetition cycle starts in, you can follow it up with "You've explained this to me once already, and it's hard to hear but I know it comes from caring. I'm not finding any added value in you repeating this, and it's starting to hurt. Please stop now."

But, you know, in normal language, not my stilted script language.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 10:09 AM on July 7, 2016 [3 favorites]


There is nothing wrong with saying "That is not helpful." Then you can calmly walk away and find someone more supportive. There is no reason to stay in conversations that pain you. People learn to stop behaviors when there is no reward.

By the way, all this BUT I WAS RIGHT AND I NEED TO BE HEARD, is sort of BS. You are an adult and you get to make your own choices. You aren't a puppet. This "You have to say I was right" is manipulative and childish.
posted by 26.2 at 10:24 AM on July 7, 2016 [2 favorites]


No one's an island, our choices affect the people who love us. They have a right to respond to the impact of those choices on them. (Someone who's depressed and not dealing with it impacts their loved ones, too.) And yes, of course, any conversation about change, compromise, etc., is going to involve some form of persuasion or manipulation, by definition. Otherwise, close people with differing views and comforts would either just sit quietly alone with their opposed feelings, or leave each other, all the time. Getting to any kind of middle ground involves communicating and compromising (exerting influence).

You can say you don't want to hear it, it's not helpful, etc., that's fine boundary setting, but I don't think it's reasonable to expect them to completely set their own feelings aside and provide exactly the kind of support you want, when you want it. They can set their own boundaries, too...

I really suggest finding an external source of the kind of support you want on this issue. If you're not intending to make the changes your doctors prefer, probably, it'd be good to work towards an "agree to disagree" place with your spouse, get used to it, and just love each other in spite of The Thing.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:55 AM on July 7, 2016 [3 favorites]


I'm sorry you're scared and feeling lonely and blamed (shamed, even). That sucks, and everyone hopes their partner will provide comfort in frightening times.

This is likely a frightening time for your spouse too. Your spouse needs comfort, and instead is being blamed for their behavior, possibly because they're not living up to your expectations and possibly because they're reminding you of your mom (likely some of both), so this question is something you might want to revisit:

"How do I tell my spouse how I feel about her behavior?"

It sounds like your spouse could have asked that very question many times. So honestly? I'd apologize to my spouse for the situation we're both in as a result of my choices. I'll make that less hypothetical; I have apologized to my spouse for concern I've caused, even when I'm most directly endangered / impacted and in need of comfort, because if it's really something I brought on, I do feel regret and remorse, even alongside the fear. It wouldn't be fair of me to expect only sympathy from someone whose life and feelings also matter.

Never, ever would I suggest this as a form of manipulation. That said, perhaps a bit of humility* and sympathy for your partner would go a long way. Think about it (again, not in a manipulative way!); if someone acknowledges their failings, no one will argue that point, and may even offer encouragement.

*It's not clear whether you feel humility or even responsibility. This is concerning, and the example of your mother and sister doesn't make it less so; if accurately reported, your sister said nothing other than "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP x 5" when confronted about a mess? Sometimes it's fine to say "sorry" for causing a problem, which leads me to typical askme advice of therapy. Something's amiss regarding sense of responsibility.
posted by whoiam at 12:43 PM on July 7, 2016 [2 favorites]


I will often make a face and say something like "super unhelpful darling" because right now? Those things cannot be changed.

Also, if those things are going to change, they can either be actually helpful in supporting them, or they can shut up, those are the choices. Don't be buying me junk food then telling me 'well if you didn't eat junk all the time'. Little disconnects like that are where I get my back up the most. Is that possibly part of the problem here?
posted by geek anachronism at 3:54 PM on July 7, 2016


I think you should apologize for being sarcastic and combative and just generally make sure you are keeping lines of communication open. They're not open right now, and that did not just happen in that one conversation.
posted by BibiRose at 5:37 AM on July 8, 2016


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