How to reconciliation with my fiancée?

July 4, 2016 2:57 AM

Fiancée and I have a not so smooth relationship. We have our own problems and also external interference. In a moment of anger and heat, I bid her farewell. A few days later when I recovered a bit from the hurt, I'm missing her a lot. That said, there a lot of problems and I don't know if they can be adequately addressed and I have a lot of doubts and uncertainty because I don't know if we can improve our situations. It seems like we started clashing quite a bit lately.

External factors:
- She's chased by many other people.
- One of her friends still likes me.
- There are people that meddle with us and don't want to see us end up together.
- Safety concerns. Her line of work is not simple.
- We are getting harassed.

Her problems:
- Not always honest
- Takes my criticism hard and it pains me because it seems to hurt her more than helping her
- Stress at work. Surrounded by people who do not want to see her doing well, who mocks her behind her back, who says things to hurt her feelings.
- self-destructive habits
- manipulative at times
- definitely has a bit of temper
- she does not tell me all the hardships she goes through because she knows it'd destroy me.
- I've seen her hurting some people that care about me (but I don't know her exact reasons.)

My problems:
- I find some of her irresponsible behaviour a complete turn-off. Which causes me to criticise (even if I don't, I still have those thoughts, I am bothered by them.)
- I think there are some value-clash and incompatibilities and don't know if those can reach a compromise
- I don't get angry a lot, when I do, I can be really harsh (or at least by contrast, I can come off very angry.)
- I apologise even when it's not my fault because I don't need to be right.
- When I'm angry at myself for things in our relationship, sometimes I get upset with her.
- Communication issues. She doesn't communicate with me directly and I think it's because I have somehow enabled the indirect communicating behaviours. I want to know how to change for better.
- I want to know other than love and care, what else I need to make the relationship work.
- I want space and peace and want to take it slow but at the same time knowing she's impatient and sometimes threatens to leave makes me feel very anxious.
- What are the major issues that I might have overlooked? I want to work on that before history repeats itself.
- She accused me cheating on her which I didn't which makes me wonder if she's been cheating on me
- I feel that I have done much more work than she did, and somehow so did she. We don't do the same thing, but I feel that I have really moved heaven and hell and try to make it work. And I feel that I love her way more than she loves me. I think she still enjoys being worshipped and chased and I just don't have enough energy for that.
- If feels like she's gonna leave me at any minute and I'm not cherished
- I don't want her to become an emotional-wreck because of me or getting hurt because of me so I don't rather let her go than see her in pain but she might think I give her up easily and there are a bunch of sleazy people who can't wait to take advantage of her vulnerable emotional state and jump her bones. I'm emotionally squeamish. If I knew during the break she slept with someone trying to get over me I don't know if that is a good sign for our future if we indeed get back together later on.
- she occasionally uses some people to get a rise of me or get me jealous.
- she might have portrayed me the bad guy to some others and her friends are not exactly the most emotionally mature type.
- I'm not at my best at the current life stage and aren't the most confident.
- I have not forgotten our special days but I didn't attempt to see her for various reasons. Perhaps the biggest reason of all: I'm not ready and my emotional wound hasn't healed enough to deal with potential pain. I have no idea how she is doing (or if she's at the stage to even think about us again as we aren't talking.)
- Is cycling in relationship a bad sign?
- How does one argue better as our argument styles are similar and tend to erode into bigger clash which destroys love and trust.
- If she apologises but later on relapses with her deception, what do I do? Do I still give it another chance?
- Sometimes I don't feel loved at all.

Bottom line, she usually is always there for me when I need her the most (so is the her friend who seems to love me. We've been through a lot of hardships and I don't want to give her up. But if I were to mend it, I want to end it better than the way it went. It was so destructive and I was crying a lot and very distracted. It took me a few days to feel better as I don't allow myself to think bad thoughts. But it seems that she's still caring for me a bit.

If breakup is final which will pain me a lot as currently I'm intentionally delaying the full-blown hurt phase. It will hurt like hell as if she died. (In the past, we already had some near-deaths experiences which nearly destroyed me. I never thought of how it might feel losing someone to sudden, expected death or even murder.) How does one mend a breaking heart?

posted by easilyconfused to Human Relations (1 answer total)

In a moment of anger and heat, I bid her farewell.

You no longer have a fiancee, and the question is predicated on something that's not true.

The way you've described the situation leads me to think that you're not in a position to view this honestly. I'm incredibly concerned, frankly, about the level of projection you create in your statements about the relationship: your first criticism of 'yourself' is a veiled criticism of her.

You're not in a relationship any longer, and I think you know that from your last sentence.
posted by ZaphodB at 3:20 AM on July 4, 2016 [4 favorites]