Got some feelings. Not sure they're mine.
July 1, 2016 12:58 PM   Subscribe

I am questioning whether the feelings I have under the pill and thyroid replacement hormone are actually mine.

Two months ago, I was (finally) diagnosed with endometriosis and put on the gestagen-only pill Visanne. While I was wary at first because I have experienced depression in the past and this pill could have exacerbated that, I was happily surprised I feel fine, if maybe a bit emotionally... stunted? Numbed? I remember being on another (combination) pill at 20 and being constantly irritated. I am more irritated now than I was before I started the pill, but I also have more life stressors. The good news is, my anxiety is competely gone.
Three weeks ago, I also started thyroid replacement hormones (no iodine because my hypothyroid may be Hashimoto's.) While it was rough at first, I feel much better now at the end of the third week, which I know might not last once my body demands more of the artificial hormone. But I feel fine now, pretty even-keeled unless I'm annoyed, and even then I don't get really mad anymore, just... annoyed.

The thing is, while I obviously don't think depression and anxiety are normal feelings to experience, I am used to a bigger spectrum than calm equilibrum - somewhat annoyed - excited about fandom/plans/etc. - equilibrum - tired. I guess I might be too exhausted to feel sad or anything else, but does that make sense? I remember sobbing spells during the worst of my depression and things definitely being made worse by insufficient sleep.

The thing is, my boyfriend, who I've been living with for the past 15 months (together for three years) will leave for Japan tomorrow. This has been coming since early April, although it only become definitive two weeks ago, and the whole thing triggered my fear of being alone that I developped/discovered (?) three years ago while studying abroad. (And which is well documented in my history here.) The whole thing threw me out of balance so much I got myself a therapist and weekly appointments. Those have been helping, but I think it's way too early to attribute my feeling completely fine about my boyfriend leaving tomorrow. And I do feel fine. Last weekend, I had a few moments of sadness and fear what would happen to me once I was here all alone, but I've got a new apartment closer to work, tons of activities planned, and am so exhausted from all the moving preparations that I honestly don't feel sad. There is something I can't catch bubbling under the surface, and I am wondering if maybe I won't have a terrible meltdown in the end, but right now and for the last few weeks, I have not been able to hold onto those thoughts - or those thoughts haven't been able to get a hold on me, which would normally be a good thing, I guess, if it weren't for the voice that's telling me it can't be that easy.

I know that thyroid problems and the possible hormonal imbalance associated with endometrioses can cause depression and anxiety. So if these pills just cured that, then great. However, before I got sick, I used to have a bigger spectrum of "normal" feelings like regular non-depressed sadness, or love. I'm really confused (or I would be if I could feel confused) about my suddenly not missing my family in my hometown anymore, not particularly wanting to talk to them, no more fear of being alone, but actually looking forward to some alone time (which might be understandable after 15 months of a four-hour commute on the train with people everywhere), and I'm not even sure if I love my boyfriend anymore. Just last month, I was looking forward to marrying him next year, and today, I feel like he annoys me and can he just get on that plane already? I'm wondering if this is a defence mechanism, but if those worked this well, I shouldn't have had that epic meltdown three years ago, right?

Just today, at 7:30, I come home after a long day and week, thought we'd have sex one last time and then eat a nice dinner. Turns out, my boyfriend had invited someone to pick up a piece of furniture between 8 and 9. Since I didn't know when that person would come, we couldn't have sex right away, and also not dinner because I needed to clear out that piece of furniture first. I got mad our evening was ruined and that he didn't at least text me before, and lectured him on emotional labour and how I'm exhausted and that I don't know if I can do this anymore. I really don't know what's going on with me. Obviously, he messed up and he really is awful at this kind of thing, but even after a hard week, such a small thing shouldn't make me so angry, should it?

I guess what I'm trying to ask is (sorry, my brain really sucks right now), does any of this seem like a side effect of my medication? And if so, what do I do? I could try changing pills (I can't go off it completely because of the freaking endometriosis), but I definitely don't think I can go without the thyroid replacement hormone again.
posted by LoonyLovegood to Health & Fitness (9 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
It sounds to me like the departure of your boyfriend has been The Big Countdown Date on your calendar and you are stacking everything against that date and not really looking beyond it. Medication adjustment takes time, as you know, so there is not really a need to make a definitive judgement on your feelings about a very complex and stressful time at this exact moment.

You know the routine: Keep a mood journal, review at two months from the date you added the 2nd med, keep things up with your therapist.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:13 PM on July 1, 2016 [1 favorite]


You can always let a little more time pass before you make any decisions, but, I mean, based on some of your previous questions it does not seem unreasonable to me that once your focus was not entirely on the cascade of anxiety you had been suffering pretty much 24/7, you might start getting properly fed up at some of the other variables in your life that are actually in your control.

It can be really baffling when the constant high-pitched static in your head shuts up. It's weird, I know, but it's actually normal for pretty much nothing in your life to be A Huge Deal except for occasional actual big life events, and even for those to be confronted with relative equanimity.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:16 PM on July 1, 2016 [8 favorites]


Response by poster: I've been home for three hours now and still haven't had dinner because at first we waited for that person to pick up the furniture, then we had a fight, and then my boyfriend made dinner, put it on the table and just assumed I knew it was there. I don't even know whether to give up and just go to sleep tonight or try to get some food down. I'm starving, but I really don't feel like eating anymore, and I'm so mad right now I want to puch my boyfriend in his stupid, emotional-labour-shirking face.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:26 PM on July 1, 2016 [1 favorite]


As someone who struggles with emotional management to a large extent (anxiety, depression, BPD traits, PTSD, whee)-- I've come around to believing that feelings are another source of information about my current state, but maybe not much more than that. Our brain generates emotions without real input from our conscious mind into this spontaneous process; emotions are not necessarily accurate or appropriate for the situation; when I let my emotions hog my focus, I might miss the reality or, even worse, abandon my values and long-term goals for some imagined momentary gain.

To echo the great advice already given: when my health is the best, I'm fairly calm most of the time. I also seem to more easily pick up on events that are properly in my locus of control--a shitty boyfriend, for example, that I was trying to get away from early last year--and then prioritize them more appropriately. Since I've also learned caution from many times being in pain and trying drastic actions that made things worse, I recommend you keep a journal, get a mood tracking app, and reconsider whether this has been a net positive change in a few months.

I read in your words the spinning of a brain used to dealing with anxiety and depression by ruminating further. Lots of back and forth about the future or the past, not a lot of focus on where the real work gets done: in the present. Therapy, meditation, exercise, medication use as prescribed, and choosing my companions more carefully have helped me break those patterns.
posted by saveyoursanity at 2:50 PM on July 1, 2016 [8 favorites]


Best answer: am so exhausted from all the moving preparations that I honestly don't feel sad. There is something I can't catch bubbling under the surface, and I am wondering if maybe I won't have a terrible meltdown in the end

Gently, I think you are having your meltdown right now.

It is possible that your hormones are playing havoc with you, yes, but it also seems pretty much like garden-variety anxiety over a major life event: this is your last night with your boyfriend, you wanted it to be special, and because moving sucks ass and involves lots of preparations, it isn't as special as you wanted. Instead of being super-sad, you're mad at your boyfriend because that's momentarily easier/less frightening.

Remember the acronym HALT: when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, you are not at your best for coping with your emotions. Right now you are full-HALT, girl. You are hungry, angry, (about to be) lonely, and tired. You don't need to blame meds for feeling like a furious wreck.

I mean I feel you, most definitely. Right now my own evening has gone pear-shaped all for want of a text message. And for a minute I was also incandescently angry. Luckily tonight is nothing special for me--it's just a busy time and I like having Good Schedules during a busy time and WHY DOES NOBODY UNDERSTAND THIS THING I NEVER TOLD THEM RARRRR...

see? no hormones required for that spiral to get going.

Hang in there, lady. I hope you can move through this feeling with your guy and spend a little time with him--I'm sure he's also freaking out, trying to get everything done, and FWIW, he still managed to put dinner on the table...Maybe call a do-over and sit down together, just to be for a minute.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:00 PM on July 1, 2016 [11 favorites]


Best answer: I got mad our evening was ruined and that he didn't at least text me before

FWIW, I've no idea what the meds are or aren't contributing to your feelings about your boyfriend, but I'd be *royally* pissed off if my SO acted like that. Inviting someone over, without your consent or knowledge, right at the time you'd be home and want to eat, is a dick move. Allowing for an entire hour's window for the furniture pickup, while you're just supposed to sit there and wait? And on his last night home, no less, when it would be reasonable to expect you'd want to spend time with him? Even dickier. And then not to concede that you have a valid point when you bring it up? Asshole city.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 6:07 PM on July 1, 2016 [3 favorites]


Seconding the observation that you seem to be generating strong emotions just fine, even if they weren't the emotions you expected.

I try, these days, not to get mad at myself for timing my feelings incorrectly. I tend to have a slow fuse, personally, but if sometimes you have a ton of feelings before an event and then seem detached when it arrives, well, that's also a thing.
posted by yarntheory at 7:07 PM on July 1, 2016


Sometimes it's been in the moments when I'm actually caring for myself properly that I finally wake up and smell the coffee that my boyfriend(s) are making (it's happened to me more than once). Perhaps the way you feel about your boyfriend's priorities tonight might not just limited to tonight.

But that aside, the instructions to HALT and take good care of you are totally more important. Eat that food, take a bath, get some sleep, and have a discussion about emotional labor with your boyfriend some other time when you're skyping.
posted by sockermom at 8:18 PM on July 1, 2016 [1 favorite]


Best answer: It's possible both that your boyfriend isn't so quality AND that the meds are blunting your emotions. If you normally miss your family, it is a bit weird to suddenly feel indifferent. Keep that mood journal and focus on being healthy but also not taking for granted that your affect should feel blunted all the time.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:47 PM on July 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


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