Was this weird?
June 10, 2016 11:47 AM   Subscribe

Just last week I posted a question about friendships and how I am not so great with them. I mentioned in the question that I can meet new people easily, can have great convos, can be charming, sustaining friendships can be hard. I was thinking about this.. maybe its true? I wanted to run a situation by you MEFIs that’s been causing me a shiz ton of anxiety. Something like this happens once every month or two.

I was talking to my mother who said that I basically have a lot of friends, but I just don’t trust them enough to make them last. She also said my overthinking, insecurity, sensitivity ruins friendships, but I already knew that.

I was thinking about this.. maybe its true? I wanted to run a situation by you MEFIs that’s been causing me a shiet ton of anxiety. Something like this happens once every month or two.

-Meet a friend (B) through a mutual friend (A)
-we hit it off, drinking talking laughing and we decide to continue fun at her place, watch a show and crash at her place
-we have a great night, laughing and talking. Pretty good connection I’d say.
-I invite her to come to my performance the upcoming weekend, and she accepts and seems really excited about it. I buy a ticket for her.
-I end up being unable to sleep, so I use a nailpolish near the couch on my fingernails, play with her cat, drink another beer.
-I wake up, thank her for letting me sleep over.
-She seems fine. I tell her I'm going to go and she says bye.
-About an hour later, I’m actually still there. Why? Because I realized my phone wasn’t charged so I was charging it. I was also in her backyard because I was trying to get some fresh air.
-She finds me in the backyard, seems a bit weirded out.
-I apologize about weirding her out. Give her a hug. Then leave.
-I text an apology that I was so weird that morning, she says its all good.
-A few days later I text her again saying I’m sorry again, no response. I start to get deathly anxious. Did I mess up the friendship? I was indeed weird, using the nailpolish, drinking the beer, hanging out in her backyard. I just met her! 
-I send a group text about my performance. no response.
-I text A to see if B’s good. My friend responds “yes lol please don’t worry! ”
-I text B today asking if she’s coming to my performance. She goes “hey not sure I’ve been busy, have been bad with messages sorry.”

I feel like this is kind of ‘cold’, and I suspect she thinks I am a bit crazy, apologizing so much. Usually after situations like this, we don’t stay friends. It's usually for reasons outside of my understanding, but I get a gut feeling things are over.

What are your thoughts of the above situation? Did I do something wrong? I always seem to have a great old time with friends, until something happens. I feel like I offended them or they're not interested in me, and then I apologize. Can you relate? What’s going on here? I’ve been let go by friends a lot. Dumped by them randomly. I’m always so afraid to lose friendships.

Hope me. I feel so stressed about this situation replaying it over and over. I know I shouldn't stress, but what could I have done differently?
So many people have anxiety. Why is my anxiety one where I lose friendships??
posted by rhythm_queen to Human Relations (38 answers total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex

 
-About an hour later, I’m actually still there. Why? Because I realized my phone wasn’t charged so I was charging it. I was also in her backyard because I was trying to get some fresh air.
-She finds me in the backyard, seems a bit weirded out.


Yes, this is weird. If you said goodbye and she thought you left, but then you hung out in her yard for an hour without her knowledge or permission? That is very weird behavior. I definitely can see how she'd be put off by that.

I don't think this particular situation has anything to do with your anxiety.
posted by erst at 11:54 AM on June 10, 2016 [38 favorites]


She wasn't a friend yet -- just an acquaintance you'd just met and had fun with. Spending many hours with a new person is a little intense, and the staying overnight pushes it even further. I suggest you get to know someone gradually. After a few hours of enjoying one another's company, say bye for now and let's get together again soon.

Her "yes" to attending your performance was probably sincere at the time, what with all the drinking and laughs. But she doesn't know you well enough to understand about your hanging around after saying good-bye. People need to get used to your quirks a little at a time, while letting friendship develop at a moderate speed.
posted by wryly at 11:57 AM on June 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


Response by poster: lol.. I know, that *was* weird! I feel so embarrassed by that, I don't know what I was thinking. Well, I do: I didn't want to go back up and tell her that I was still here because she was sleeping so soundly and I didn't want to keep interrupting her. I just needed to charge my phone. It was definitely weird on my part, but I was so tired and hungover I wasn't thinking straight. But I know it's a good point.
posted by rhythm_queen at 11:58 AM on June 10, 2016


what could I have done differently?

-I end up being unable to sleep, so I use a nailpolish near the couch on my fingernails, play with her cat, drink another beer. leave her a note and go home.


I'm not clear on why you stayed when she went off to sleep in her bedroom after watching a show and talking. At first I thought you were going to sleep together but if this is all platonic and you don't mention drinking so maybe overstaying your welcome began before the incident in the yard.
posted by headnsouth at 12:01 PM on June 10, 2016 [12 favorites]


Best answer: Okay, there are two things happening here. First, when you apologize, and the person accepts your apology, let it go. Apologizing multiple times for things (especially if that thing is no big deal) is annoying. It actually sometimes makes me annoyed about something that I didn't care about to begin with. You apologize, she accepts, then you back off and continue as if everything is normal.

Saying you're going to leave, but not leaving and then wandering into her backyard was weird. She thought you were gone, but you weren't. I wouldn't have liked that either. Next time something like that happens, say, "oh, shit, actually my phone isn't charged. Do you mind if I get some juice really fast?" If she's asleep, just take your dead phone and go -- I'm old. We used to have to get home without a working phone at all. Staying for another HOUR and wandering into her yard is weird.

Were you wandering around using her nail polish, and drinking beer in her house while she was asleep? That's also a little weird, given that you just met here -- which you realize, I think. You seem to have come on super strong with her, and haven't really been minding the boundaries of a new friendship, or her personal space.

Having said all that, I don't know how old you are, but if you're out of college (or so) crashing overnight at someone's house when you just met them is kind of intense. You need to give a friendship time to grow. Are you pushing all these relationships like this? You are probably making people feel a little overwhelmed -- like you did with all your apologies.

I know it's hard -- and therapy can help with your anxiety about this -- but you have to step back a little and give people time to grow to know and like you. And if you do something wrong and apologize, and they are cool about it, you be cool about it in response and drop it!
posted by Countess Sandwich at 12:04 PM on June 10, 2016 [18 favorites]


Response by poster: Sorry, don't mean to threadsit. I live really far away, so she'd said I could stay over. In fact she helped me make bedding on her couch. And yes, there was lots of drinking.

I'm really tempted to ask our mutual friend if she heard anything from friend B about what happened, about how weird she thinks I am, etc. I just wanted to mention that pretty much nothing I did would have bothered ME on the other side. My standards for these things I guess are pretty low!
posted by rhythm_queen at 12:05 PM on June 10, 2016


I think for me, in B's situation I would worry a bit that you were a person who had pretty iffy boundaries. I'd probably want to be slower to connect, and if I felt like you were pressuring me a lot to say "It's okay!" after I had already told you everything was okay, I would worry even more about your boundaries. I think this friendship is salvageable, but you have to A) trust people when they say it's okay and b) not put as much pressure on this. Friendships have had weirder starts, and I think if there's really a connection there you can make it work, but it's a lot of intimacy for someone you don't know well yet.
posted by superlibby at 12:06 PM on June 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


Everything about this screams weird to me. Keep in mind all people are different--this might be a socialization type that works for some people but for me, no.

-you end up spending the night at someone's house the day you meet them
-you help yourself to their stuff
-you say you're leaving but don't, and then keep hanging around, making yourself at home
-instead of backing off and giving this person some space (she doesn't know you, you guys JUST met) you keep texting her
-instead of taking her lack of response as an indication that she wants a break from you, you question a mutual friend about her
-instead of listening to the friend, you TEXT HER AGAIN

It's weird. Weird behavior, you're coming on too strong and you need to back off. She doesn't know you yet, you two aren't friends, and she doesn't owe you any explanation. In my opinion you way overstepped the boundaries of aquaintanceship here, and you're making it worse by continuing to poke at her. Just leave her alone for a while.

If this is a regular pattern (overstep boundaries then needle at them for validation and attention immediately after) it's not surprising people find this off-putting behavior. It's a LOT to deal with from a new person.
posted by phunniemee at 12:07 PM on June 10, 2016 [64 favorites]


beyond the other things, don't put new friends on the spot to come see your performance - make initial hang outs more neutral and not based upon you getting them tickets to things you're in and then leaning on them about it.

I'm really tempted to ask our mutual friend if she heard anything from friend B about what happened, about how weird she thinks I am, etc.

no! your anxiety is making you focus on this and every action you're taking is reinforcing the not so great boundaries of the prior actions. sleeping over when someone invites you to is fine, but if you can't sleep just play a game on your phone and if your phone isn't charged when you say you're leaving just go to starbucks or something and charge it there. then if you feel like there's something to apologize for, do it once and leave it. and if you feel like someone is pulling away don't drag mutual friends into it.
posted by nadawi at 12:10 PM on June 10, 2016 [17 favorites]


I'm really tempted to ask our mutual friend if she heard anything from friend B about what happened, about how weird she thinks I am, etc.

Please don't. Open up the calendar app on your phone right now, set an alert for one full seven day week from now, and let that be your guide. Do not allow yourself to ask anyone about friend B until at least one week from now. Do not contact B until you've given everyone at least a week to decompress from this. If you stop treating this like it's The Most Important Thing In The World for a whole week I bet by then it won't be nearly as high a priority for you to get an exactly-how-weird-was-I rating from anyone.
posted by phunniemee at 12:11 PM on June 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


I just realized that my response might have sounded harsher than I intended, and I wanted to clarify. I think part of the issue is that I recognize your username, and a lot of what you've written about in the past resonates with me a lot. I'm 30 now, but in my earlier twenties I spent a lot of time feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and concerns about other people's perceptions of me. I also spent a lot of time feeling embarrassed about the things I did - particularly things that happened while I was drinking, but not liking yourself very much makes everything pretty rough.

As I got healthier, having people in my life who had healthy boundaries became important, and people who didn't respect those boundaries would be treated with some distance - if nothing else, for my own sanity. I think as you grow into yourself more and like yourself more, a lot of this will get resolved and improve. I'm rooting for you (and I've been there). If you ever need to talk, send me a memail.
posted by superlibby at 12:13 PM on June 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Response by poster: I totally get everything you're saying, you guys, and I feel so deathly embarrassed. I'm not a creep or a bad person, I'm a normal person with a good job and good values. Seriously! And I don't know why I did what I did, I probably do have bad boundary issues. I was just way too comfortable at a stranger's house.

Where do I go from here, emotionally? :/ I don't know how to feel, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel normal from here. It's these kinds of situations that help me beat myself up, and probably exacerbate my issues. I'm intense as fudge, and I need to relax. How do I move on from this stupid situation?
posted by rhythm_queen at 12:21 PM on June 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


Where do I go from here, emotionally?

Put it down to experience, remember what you've learnt for next time, and don't dwell on the embarrassment. Go out, meet more cool people, have fun.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 12:25 PM on June 10, 2016 [12 favorites]


Try to let it go. The worst that can happen is that she is not interested in hanging out with you again: that way, you're no worse off than you were before. This is a thing that happened, and while most of it was fun, part of it was unfortunate. But if you drop the subject, and do your best not to dwell on it, everyone else will forget it pretty soon... and then maybe you can do the same.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:25 PM on June 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


this isn't deathly embarrassing. this is only a big huge deal to you. the best thing for you, for your friends, for your reputation is to find a way to really and truly set it down and move on from it. you are not a bad person. having things fall into a weird spiral is a thing that's really easy to happen with anxious people (i am one, so i know). the best way to recover it to just stop spiraling down. easier said than done, but doing it is important.

take what's being said in this thread and use it for next time, don't keep beating yourself up for what happened before.
posted by nadawi at 12:27 PM on June 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


I also recognize your user name and some of your other questions.

You've had a few problematic issues and in all of those scenarios you mention that you were drunk.

You should probably stop drinking.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 12:27 PM on June 10, 2016 [24 favorites]


Best answer: I don't mean this in an insensitive way, and I hope you don't take offense, but I don't think anxiety is to blame here. Rather the opposite. You'd probably be better off if you'd had a little *more* anxiety that first night, in the sense that you probably should have thought more about how your actions would be perceived. Anxiety can suck, I have problems with it myself, but when it's not overdone, it can be useful.

Your anxiety now seems to be stemming from the fact that you don't know if she thinks you're "weird". Again, not trying to be insensitive, but yes, she probably does, so now that you've got an answer, stop beating yourself up.

All that said, she doesn't sound entirely normal here either. Who lets a random person they just met stay over at her place? And who lets them just hang out while she's asleep? You could have robbed her blind, for all she knows. She's actually kind of lucky all you did was use her nail polish.

My advice going forward is to set boundaries ahead of time. Don't be so "in the moment". Say in advance you're going out from 9pm-1am, and at 1am, leave. Say you'll only go out certain days, and those other days, stay home. If you're in another person's house, ask before doing anything. Practice holding back in conversation, sitting back and listening rather than being the center of attention. And when you do go out and do stuff, bring a friend along who will give it to you straight. At various times throughout the night, lean over and ask the friend "am I being weird?".

The advice to drink less is probably also good.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:34 PM on June 10, 2016 [15 favorites]


Best answer: Don't do anything further about this. If you see B again, be friendly, but not overwhelming. Don't ask A about it anymore. I think that, if the situation with B can be redeemed, it will be through time, and your demonstration of impeccable boundaries for a while. If B actually reaches out to you about the performance, provide the information of course, but don't count on her to attend, and don't bring it up again. (In the future, I probably wouldn't buy a ticket for a person who was enthusiastic about something while we were drinking - I'd follow up a day or two later with the information about where she could buy a ticket if she was interested.)

I agree with everyone above that it might have been too much for B, so keep that in mind for future, similar situations.

I don't know you, and I don't know B, but based on your description of the situation, I could see myself as B (albeit probably a version of B that is close to a decade older). I like meeting my friends' friends, and often click with them. I could see having a few (or more) drinks with the friend of a friend, and superficially bonding with them and even letting them crash on my couch if it is late or they live far away. And I'd be excited about the possible new friendship, but it is still "possible," which means to me tentative. And I would be put off if someone painted their nails in my apartment (smelly/messy) and particularly if they told me that they were leaving and then were hanging out in my backyard an hour later. However, if the person seemed cool and respected boundaries in the future, I would write that off. If she kept bringing it up, I would remember it more, and maybe even try to avoid her.
posted by Caz721 at 12:35 PM on June 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Best answer: I think you basically compressed 7 or 8 increasingly friendly/familiar hangouts into one night. You need to have a plan that helps you pace yourself. Here are some suggestions for how to pace a relationship with a new friend, given your history of over-engagement:

Hangout 1: socialize with mutual friends.

Hangout 2: hang out one on one in a public place (coffee, lunch).

Hangout 3: watch TV at her place and sleep at your own place.

Hangouts 4-20: activities that mirror the intensity of hangouts 2 and 3. Incorporate occasional, low-pressure invitations to performances. Do not buy tickets on the spot.

Hangouts 20+: if sufficient intimacy has been established, feel free to incorporate the very occasional sleeping on couch or borrowing of stuff (only after asking).

In between the above, only initiate communication every other time. If you initiated some chitchat most recently, wait for her to do it next, etc. Don't plan every gathering -- she should initiate around half. Treat it like a game of tennis. If the ball is on her side of the court, don't run over there and grab it from her.
posted by delight at 12:37 PM on June 10, 2016 [16 favorites]


Response by poster: Amazing advice. Thanks so much for being so understanding. I have different ideas of intimacy, boundaries and normal relationships than most people. I'm more intense than most people as well, and it means I'm often in weird boats where I regret my behavior but feel like I didn't do anything wrong.

Appreciate your insight and understanding a ton. The comments about my BEHAVIOR not being caused by my anxiety is very true. I was being totally thoughtless there. The reaction once examining my behavior, fear of her thinking I'm weird, is definitely being exacerbated by the anxiety. Which makes sense.

So many times people have said I hold back, that I'm guarded, too apologetic and formal. That I need to chill. So this particular situation isn't a super common occurrence. But getting into weird situations in general, definitely is. And I know, the alcohol definitely does not help.
posted by rhythm_queen at 12:43 PM on June 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


It seems like you're asking variations of the same question. There's a situation where you've been drinking and you did something and you ask us for a reality check about how to next proceed. But it doesn't seem like you're taking any advice and you're doing the same self-destructive things over and again.

When you ask questions here, you thank people for the advice, beat yourself up further down in the thread, then come back in to say you're not a bad person, defending yourself against charges nobody has made. I get a lot of self-esteem issues and maybe even some self-loathing from your questions.

I'm trying to say that when I look over your history and how your questions usually play out, you may not be fully connecting the dots and seeing your generalized behavior. Instead, you have these isolated incidents where you've been drinking and you do something you're not proud of.

I'm going to suggest therapy so you can get support and a qualified outsider perspective on the choices you're making. Your life doesn't have to be so dramatic and anxiety-filled. There are people out there who can help you.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 12:44 PM on June 10, 2016 [23 favorites]


> I'm not a creep

You know how it's more productive to say to someone 'That thing you said? It sounded kind of racist.' than to say to them 'You're a racist.'? Perhaps instead of denying are a creep (I agree you aren't), you need to accept that the thing you did came across as kind of creepy and think about ways you can identify similar behaviour before it creeps anyone out.
posted by Busy Old Fool at 1:06 PM on June 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


I think regular reality checks *could* be helpful because it seems like there's some confusion about boundaries and social rules, and agree that therapy could help.

(Also, OP, are you way out in a suburb? Put an alarm on your phone so you know when it's time to catch the last bus/train. Plan this in advance, figure out how much time you need from location X, Google map it using "depart at", and set this (LOUD, vibrating) alarm. Or if you'd like to stay out later and don't have a ready place to crash, think about doing air b n b or something.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:09 PM on June 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


How you acted would have been fine with me if you were one of my closest friends (who I’ve had for 20+ years), but I’d probably have been at least mildly annoyed with you not telling me you were still in my home after you said you were leaving. Even with my closest friends I try not to crash at their place unless they invite me to or it’s unavoidable or it’s planned in advance, it can be fun togetherness but it still means infringing on personal space and time because it’s time people use to de-compress, sleep, and other personal stuff. IIRC you’re in TO so it’s not like you can’t get an uber or the late night bus to make it home.

So for starters sleepovers with a new quasi-friend are a no, people will like you more if you demonstrate respect for their personal space and time (but you should do it out of a motivation to be kind and respectful to them for their benefit). Secondly I make it a point to not become too close with my friend’s friends. It’s somewhat weird and can feel threatening to your friend and to the friend’s friend. I deal with this by thoroughly enjoying talking to my friend’s friends at common events and getting updates on friend from my friend/sending a quick fb message as appropriate (like “congrats on new job/baby/etc.) but not taking things farther than that into one-on-one hang-outs.

It sounds like you a) came on too strong (a several hour hang-out ending at their place and then getting further dragged out, then trying to lock them down for a future event right away) and b) committed some faux-pas (using their nailpolish, drinking their beer, leaving and then not leaving, repeatedly apologizing, even the hug at the end was too much). B was probably trying to be nice because you are friends with A but was feeling the need for some space and you didn’t give it to her and even now you’re trying to get some sort of response from her when she really doesn’t owe you one.

You need to be more mindful and ask more questions, like “is it ok if I drink one of your beers/use your nailpolish/charge my phone and hang out in your yard for an hour”, etc., and do some reflecting on why you needed to do any of those things (and if asking seems really strange it might be because it’s appropriate to do the thing you’re asking permission for). If you’re in someone’s house it’s always acceptable to use the bathroom and ask for a glass of water but beyond that you need to discern what’s appropriate and err on the conservative side until you’ve had more interactions or are getting a huge go-ahead. Some people truly love to host others and make guests feel at home but it’s less common.

It might help to take a more patient attitude in your interactions with others, that you will be able to hang out with cool people again, that it’s not necessary to have a super long hang-out and do all the things together, or line up future hang-outs before you have some time off. There’s a predictable peak of fun nights out usually after 1-3 hours, then it’s time to go home and do something else instead of squeezing every last bit of fun and intimacy and connection out of the event. The same is true for one-on-one relationships. There’s an ebb and flow of closeness and distance. People who are good at boundaries understand this, they can tolerate distance and understand it’s not forever and doesn’t have anything to do with them, because they have the rest of their lives to attend to as well and assume you do too. People who are chill aren’t trying to get anything from other people, they’re content with themselves and can enjoy hanging out with others but they’re fine on their own too. It’s a high bar but I think that’s the direction you need to aim for. Then people will be attracted to the real you and not the person who is clinging and grasping. This requires getting to know yourself and getting comfortable with yourself so that you’re not reacting based on how people describe you like “people say I’m too reserved so I will be unreserved”, you need to get in touch with you, what you like, what you don’t like, and start to own that. Otherwise you’ll keep being pushed and pulled based on how you feel or what’s happening externally and that’s how drama happens.
posted by lafemma at 1:35 PM on June 10, 2016 [10 favorites]


Best answer: Friendship can be weird, and a little like dating, in that you don't want to come off as super-needy, unaware of boundaries or otherwise a possible red flag.

Try to remember that other people can't see what you're thinking, only what you're doing. So if you want to come off as a relaxed, mature, considerate person try to do what a person like that does. It doesn't matter much if you are not relaxed or mature on the inside. Think about making the other person comfortable. This may mean being a little over-formal at first, not drinking as much, being very careful about politeness or asking favors, not imposing on someone, etc. If you become friends eventually you'll both be more casual, but right now you need to communicate "I am trustworthy, I am considerate, I am mature, I will not be a huge ball of drama, and I can also be fun to hang with."

And even if you do all that perfectly, well, it might not work out. This happens. Again, much like dating.

What you're doing in apologizing and asking for reassurance is not about her, it's about you, your need to feel loved and befriended. And that's offputting.

Possibly you guys will find your way to friendship eventually but in the meantime, back off and let her breathe, and cultivate some self-sufficiency, so that when a another interesting person comes along, you can see if it works out without it being so heated and intense.
posted by emjaybee at 2:28 PM on June 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


Best answer: Ask yourself what you gain with this behaviour. What is the benefit that drives you to repeat it?

My impression is that you were trying to prolong the intimacy of the evening, of the budding friendship, by doing very intimate things like using her nail polish and helping yourself to her beer, playing with her cat, padding about her place at night while she slept. And then by finding a reason to stay the next morning. I think some part of you knew that you were stealing little moments of intimacy like this. I think it is because you have such a big loneliness that a normal evening out is not enough for you.
But I also think your anxiety and embarassment, your obsessing over it now is your way of atoning for it. Like, it's a trade off. Like if you beat yourself up enough now it'll make up for your earlier behaviour and you don't have to change anything.
Your obsessing also has an additonal benefit: It is another way for you to prolong this feeling of having a connection with her, despite the fact that she is no longer contributing to it.

This behaviour is so obviously like shooting yourself in the foot and sabotaging any kind of friendship (those depend on time, not on a grabbing as much as you can in the short time alotted). It would only make sense for someone who already believes that all their friendships are doomed to prematurely end and that their best bet is to grab as much as possible in the short time alotted.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:39 PM on June 10, 2016 [53 favorites]


Continuing along the lines of what yes I said yes I will Yes said about a pattern of questions from you, have you ever tried doing this kind of socializing without drinking? I ask because I have social anxiety, and when I tried socializing without drinking, I found the beginning of the party/event harder, but during and after I felt a lot better about myself. I found that I didn't nervously blurt out so many things and that I listened better and engaged more and cared more about what my friends had to say.

I've also noticed a pattern in some of my other socially anxious friends where having a drink (or two or three or more) turns them into a fire hydrant of cheerful laughter and nonstop (but still somehow nervous) talking. They're intense. These same people are a lot more enjoyable when they haven't had as many drinks and seem to have a better handle on social cues then.

Something to think about.

Also I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. Friendships are something I struggle with too.
posted by purple_bird at 3:12 PM on June 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Rhythm_queen, I see your account is disabled. I hope you're okay -- don't take this too hard. You'll get the hang of things. Finding the right calibration in social settings can be challenging and take time. You got this.
posted by delight at 3:26 PM on June 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


Best answer: I also just saw that your account is disabled. If you see this, I just wanted to let you know that this stuff is totally normal. Making and keeping friends after formal education ends is hard. For me, having "acquaintances" is really odd, too - my gut is to either kinda dislike someone or become fast, forever friends - but I'm realizing that this is a thing that adults do. You aren't alone here. And (despite the pile-on that this thread sort of turned into...) we've all done stuff that in retrospect looked weird and we wish we hadn't done.

So hang in there!

Here, I will share a couple of my recent cringe-worthy moments with you:

* Last night I got into a fight on Reddit about something ridiculous. (Sigh.) About halfway through things I realized I was totally wrong and being unreasonable, but I wasn't ready to admit it, so I doubled down. I had to take a Xanax last night and it was not the first time I've had to do that because "someone was wrong on the Internet."

* Last Friday was my final day at my old job, and my boss treated me to lunch. I ran out of conversation topics about halfway through the lunch, and spent the tail end of our meal and the walk back to the office regaling him with facts about my dog.

* My roommate is really chatty in the mornings and I have not figured out a good way to tell her that I don't want to talk to her at 5:58am before I've even had my tea, so instead I'm just vaguely rude to her.

posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:29 PM on June 10, 2016 [10 favorites]


The good and great Ask Polly has a response to a letter from someone who feels panicked and bad about the things she does when she's drinking. Read it, and see if anything in it resonates. If it does, great, if it doesn't, also great. Rooting for you.
posted by superlibby at 4:44 PM on June 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Hangovers can include anxiety and depression as symptoms. Some part of the next-day shame spiral was probably physiological.
posted by salvia at 7:43 PM on June 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


I too have read many of your past questions. I want you to know that there are many of us for whom the 20s were a more challenging part of our lives. Message from the future, as Dan Savage would say, IT GETS BETTER.

Reasons why you are going to love getting older:
- Less having to meet new people in intense social settings and navigate confusing situations like going out to parties, hooking up, and relationship-hopping. Yeah, you still have to meet new people and do social things, but most people are in secure romantic relationships and have fairly longstanding friendships and support systems by this point. Going to the play group with other moms is not a judgment or stress-free zone, but at least you're not expected to look hot and sexy while you're doing it...
- The older you get the less you give a fuck about what anyone thinks of you, ESPECIALLY not whether they think you are weird or not. You will embrace your own weirdness. You will think others are weird for not embracing your weirdness. You will have more inner peace. You will become more comfortable letting things go.

I promise.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:14 PM on June 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


rhythm_queen, I hope you're still reading this. From what I can tell, you are a very smart, funny, creative, and vivacious person. I'm not sure exactly what you do for a living in sales but I know you must be very good at your job because you've been doing it for a while.

I'm too old to be your bestie, but you are exactly the type of young person that I enjoy spending time with. (And it's not just so I can suck the life force out of you.) If there is an IRL meetup in your area I think you should go. Lots of us here deal with social anxiety in one form or another, and I'm sure many people here already like you and would like to get to know you better. Maybe there would be less pressure for you in that kind of environment.

And on preview, I hate having to follow the bunnys treehorn and ruthless because they always have such excellent advice.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:57 PM on June 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


I just wanted to mention that pretty much nothing I did would have bothered ME on the other side. My standards for these things I guess are pretty low!

I have different ideas of intimacy, boundaries and normal relationships than most people.

I think part of getting older is learning to understand your own attributes better and also where they fit in the general range of human behavior/characteristics. So now you've gotten a better sense of this, and in the future you can calibrate with that in mind: with people you don't know you act in a way that imposes on them as little as possible*, and as you get to know them better you can learn, often by the way they act themselves, what they actually would see as an imposition and what they wouldn't.

As for how to get less stressed out about these things, I think part of it is, again, just getting older, to the point where after something like this happens you find yourself thinking "oh well, I've been here before, it passes". And I think it can help to have the things in your life that really matter to you fall into a few different categories: friends, home life, work life, hobbies, Issues - whatever. It makes it easier to not feel like it's the end of the world when something goes badly in one category.


(*that might be a bit too conservative, but it's probably not a bad place to start out at for now.)
posted by trig at 2:00 PM on June 11, 2016


You seem... kind of uncomfortable with yourself.

Instead of staying an hour unannounced to charge your phone, ask, "hey, I realized my phone is not charged, can I stick around a bit longer to charge it for the trip home?" I get the feeling you think it is intrusive to ask, or you are too afraid of what she will say, but this would not upset anyone and once you ask you don't have to worry any more.

That's the second thing. When you ask - politely and without a bunch of pressure! - you need to believe the answer. This is also true for apologies. You apologized sincerely; she accepted it straightforwardly; you need to believe her. What you do by going back for repeat apologies is sending the message, not only that your anxiety is hers to fix, but that you don't believe her answer the first time.

Not everyone lives this way. But it takes a lot of pain out of life to live this way.
posted by Lady Li at 7:29 PM on June 11, 2016


Response by poster: Hey guys, I'm back to report that the friend did indeed come to my performance, loved it and invited me to come with her to do stuff after! So I guess it wasn't so bad. She probably did think I was weird for being too comfy with her stuff but chose to look past it. After that I got a msg from her saying I did a good job on my performance. I'm not saying we'll be besties, but ..you know. It wasn't as bad as I thought, or as some people said here.

I always appreciate advice here - because when I'm down, I can read and re-read the answers. Yes, it's a bit lame how I have similiar questions a lot but out of my 365 days, most of my days are good behavior and choices and I've come a long way. Whenever I feel down or blindsided by my own ridiculous behavior and choices and feelings, I post a question here and get insight. If that's wrong, I wont' do it anymore.

Anyway. Thanks guys.
posted by rhythm_queen at 7:54 AM on June 23, 2016 [7 favorites]


Thanks for updating, I've been wondering. I'm so glad to hear the whole thing landed on its feet!
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:15 PM on June 23, 2016


Whenever I feel down or blindsided by my own ridiculous behavior and choices and feelings, I post a question here and get insight. If that's wrong, I wont' do it anymore.

I'm glad you updated. I really don't want you to feel hammered, but I think you should take a very serious look at your posting history and note how often you're asking variations of the exact same question.

I completely understand that nobody posts questions about things that are going well, but since you ARE asking for advice about not-great things, you should take an honest look at the pattern that appears to come from all of your questions as well as your updates.

You seem to do stuff when you're drinking that in hindsight embarrasses you and you ask for advice. Then you obsess about the incident, by asking for advice and continuing the conversation.

Your updates involve you then saying you're not always like this, then you're a terrible person and you justify allegations that nobody made. You get hyperbolic and want people to reassure you, but at this point you've completely lost the original point and the whole thing has gone sideways.

What I'm trying to say is you should figure out WHY you keep doing this stuff where, like Omnomnom says, you shoot yourself in the foot and then wallow in it so you get to remain in that experience. And as long as you continue to obsess over the experience, it feels like atonement and you don't ever have to change the actual behavior. And the same goes for the continuous variations on the same question.

I really do wish you well and I hope you take this advice to heart.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 9:34 AM on June 28, 2016 [2 favorites]


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