How to help friend deal with break up
June 9, 2016 5:53 PM Subscribe
My close friend was broken up with recently and I am wondering how best to comfort her. She has had a few guys hurt her one after another, and I think she probably feels quite sad about this now. I want to be a good friend, and would like some advice on the best kinds of things to say to someone in this situation.
In your experience, what do you most want to hear or what do you want to talk about when you've been dumped?
I do not have all that much dating experience so I am not sure what I would want to hear in her situation. Accuse the guy of being a jerk? Tell her how great she is? Ask questions about the break up conversation? About her feelings?
In your experience, what do you most want to hear or what do you want to talk about when you've been dumped?
I do not have all that much dating experience so I am not sure what I would want to hear in her situation. Accuse the guy of being a jerk? Tell her how great she is? Ask questions about the break up conversation? About her feelings?
Just listen if she wants to talk. Let her know you want to hang out and leave it up to her whether she wants to talk about it or be distracted from it. "Ugh. That sucks" and sympathetic head movement go a long way. (If you're a hetero dude, definitely don't bad mouth the ex or it'll seem like you're taking advantage/attempting to swoop in!)
posted by kapers at 6:28 PM on June 9, 2016
posted by kapers at 6:28 PM on June 9, 2016
Nthing all the above - listen and don't badmouth. The biggest thing is the feeling of loss after a breakup. Loss of the good times, good memories, and sometimes the fear that you'll be single forever. Of course everyone is different in this regard - not everyone feels they'll be single forever, but I know that was one feeling I had among many. I think the most important thing to remember is that everyone is different with regard to their feelings and the circumstances, and you can't assume how people feel or how they deal with things. You're smart to ask the question - you're honoring her feelings already! The good thing about this is that you can simply ask her. "Do you want to go for coffee this weekend?" or "New show playing at X theater, want to go with me?" might go a long way. Or even "I'm free all day Saturday and Sunday, let me know if you wanna hang out" goes a long way. And always, "I'm here if you want to talk" as sockermom says is always the way to go.
You're a good friend : D
posted by onecircleaday at 6:46 PM on June 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
You're a good friend : D
posted by onecircleaday at 6:46 PM on June 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
Apart from good manners, here's two excellent reasons not to badmouth the ex: a) it's an implicit criticism of your friend for choosing poorly, tolerating bad treatment, etc., and b) if they get back together, things will be awkward between you and your friend.
Another thing that may help... you'll know if this is right for your friend. While some folks want to wallow and eat ice cream following a breakup, other people need to have their judgement validated and their sense of self-worth restored. So if you have any tasks that play to your friend's skills--say, helping you choose curtains or editing your resume or teaching you how to putt--it might be a good time to ask for help. When I'm hurting, it feels good to get outside my own head, help other people and to hear that others value my skills. YMMV.
posted by carmicha at 8:19 PM on June 9, 2016
Another thing that may help... you'll know if this is right for your friend. While some folks want to wallow and eat ice cream following a breakup, other people need to have their judgement validated and their sense of self-worth restored. So if you have any tasks that play to your friend's skills--say, helping you choose curtains or editing your resume or teaching you how to putt--it might be a good time to ask for help. When I'm hurting, it feels good to get outside my own head, help other people and to hear that others value my skills. YMMV.
posted by carmicha at 8:19 PM on June 9, 2016
Oh man. I used to think that I could take away someone's hurt if I just said the right things. I would try so hard ... it would never work.
Just be present. If your friend wants to talk, listen. If they don't, invite them over to watch a silly movie, or for a walk in the park, or a trip to the museum, roller rink, etc. The hard thing is just to be there with your friend while they are hurting, knowing you can't fix it, but knowing that it's important to not abandon them (unless your friend needs some alone time, that's another matter).
It will get better.
posted by bunderful at 8:38 PM on June 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
Just be present. If your friend wants to talk, listen. If they don't, invite them over to watch a silly movie, or for a walk in the park, or a trip to the museum, roller rink, etc. The hard thing is just to be there with your friend while they are hurting, knowing you can't fix it, but knowing that it's important to not abandon them (unless your friend needs some alone time, that's another matter).
It will get better.
posted by bunderful at 8:38 PM on June 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I think offering to hang out is great. Also telling her you're available to listen if she wants to talk. I hate to admit it but in the past, I'm afraid I was someone who sort of abused my friends offers to listen. I was a bit of a drama llama and I could go on for hours. I mention this because I want to commend you for being there for your friend but also remind you that it's OK to gently disengage if she seems to want to wallow in post break up malaise.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 6:47 AM on June 10, 2016
posted by WalkerWestridge at 6:47 AM on June 10, 2016
Accuse the guy of being a jerk?
- No, dangerous - you don't know how their relationship will progress. Should they potentially get back together, however unlikely it seems, she will remember you spoke ill of him and that won't be good for your friendship.
Tell her how great she is?
- Nope. This won't make her feel better because she'll respond with "If I'm so great why did he dump me? Seriously something must be wrong with me!!!"
Be there for her. Be an active listener, keep her company, keep her distracted and busy. She's allowed to grieve, it will take time to get over this, but don't let her descend into a spiral of wallowing, self-deprecation and other bad activity. The best revenge is to live life well, and show this guy didn't get her down.
posted by lizbunny at 7:23 AM on June 10, 2016
- No, dangerous - you don't know how their relationship will progress. Should they potentially get back together, however unlikely it seems, she will remember you spoke ill of him and that won't be good for your friendship.
Tell her how great she is?
- Nope. This won't make her feel better because she'll respond with "If I'm so great why did he dump me? Seriously something must be wrong with me!!!"
Be there for her. Be an active listener, keep her company, keep her distracted and busy. She's allowed to grieve, it will take time to get over this, but don't let her descend into a spiral of wallowing, self-deprecation and other bad activity. The best revenge is to live life well, and show this guy didn't get her down.
posted by lizbunny at 7:23 AM on June 10, 2016
I agree with others that saying you're there if they need to talk is great. You know your friend better than we do, but sometimes the dumpee feels like they are deeply flawed because why else would they get dumped? If so, I have found it helpful sometimes to reinforce that my friend is a good person who deserves to be treated well and valued in their relationships, and it sucks that that wasn't what happened.
posted by ldthomps at 7:40 AM on June 10, 2016
posted by ldthomps at 7:40 AM on June 10, 2016
Listen, do not try to offer explanations of why the breakup happened, and do not place any kind of time limit or time prediction on her grief.
posted by sallybrown at 8:12 AM on June 10, 2016
posted by sallybrown at 8:12 AM on June 10, 2016
Oh and don't try and push the dumpee toward a new guy (even if you're just trying to be helpful).
posted by sallybrown at 8:13 AM on June 10, 2016
posted by sallybrown at 8:13 AM on June 10, 2016
I'd nth the "invite" and "listen" advice.
I had a good buddy and roommate who helped me a ton with a tough breakup a while back. I was probably ready to just lock myself in my room for a few months. He just made sure I had invites to do fun things frequently. I didn't always take them, but it made a huge difference. And while we didn't have a lot of in depth conversation, he let me vent a few times and just rolled with it with a lot of "yeah, that's pretty terrible" acknowledgment.
Last July I had a thoroughly craptacular breakup of an LTR. Again, fortunately, I had a good friend who would (a) invite me to do things (and would often accept my invitations to do things) and (b) let me vent sometimes. She was also able to help me do a little bit of processing and provide some perspective. Nothing made this one not suck thoroughly, but it kept me from feeling like my whole life was burning down.
posted by wildblueyonder at 12:12 PM on June 11, 2016
I had a good buddy and roommate who helped me a ton with a tough breakup a while back. I was probably ready to just lock myself in my room for a few months. He just made sure I had invites to do fun things frequently. I didn't always take them, but it made a huge difference. And while we didn't have a lot of in depth conversation, he let me vent a few times and just rolled with it with a lot of "yeah, that's pretty terrible" acknowledgment.
Last July I had a thoroughly craptacular breakup of an LTR. Again, fortunately, I had a good friend who would (a) invite me to do things (and would often accept my invitations to do things) and (b) let me vent sometimes. She was also able to help me do a little bit of processing and provide some perspective. Nothing made this one not suck thoroughly, but it kept me from feeling like my whole life was burning down.
posted by wildblueyonder at 12:12 PM on June 11, 2016
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posted by sockermom at 6:22 PM on June 9, 2016 [4 favorites]