I want them both - how to choose? (nyc vs new love)
June 6, 2016 6:29 AM Subscribe
I've got an incredibly tough decision in front of me - and I'm not sure how to even begin to make a choice. Do I choose an exciting new job and new york city, or do I choose a wonderful new relationship here?
I currently live in a large city in a state in the interior of the country. I moved here for graduate school, and I’ve made good friends, and I have a government job, where I make enough to afford to buy a small house, if I wanted, and I have tenure. I’m single, in my mid-30s, and I don’t think I want children.
I went on tinder three months ago. I didn’t expect anything, but I met someone who seemed pretty fun, so we started hanging out and sleeping together. I told him I was in no rush for anything serious.
I never planned to stay in this city, so about two weeks after he and I met and had hung out a handful of times, I applied to a job in New York City. One of my best friends lives there (though she doesn’t plan on staying too much longer), and I’ve visited her enough that I have a vague idea of what it’s like to live in the city. (I’ve studied this timely question and other related questions.) I have two other friends who live there, as well. The job sounded like a perfect match for my skills and would allow me to grow professionally. After several rounds of interviews and being flown out, I was offered the position. It’s in private industry, the pay is comparable to what I am making now with the cost of living increase, and would allow me to live comfortably in Brooklyn without roommates, but I would lose my pension. The coworkers and the job and the bosses all are just what I was looking for. The past few times I’ve been in New York, especially this last time, I’ve had this overwhelming feeling that I want that city. I want it, and I want to live there, and know it and have it break my heart and mend it over and over daily, with every fiber of my being. It feels like home, more than the city I am in now ever did. I was walking to my hotel before the interview and it just felt right. I felt incredibly happy and at peace and excited. My field is very small and very specialized - a job like this won't come up again, possibly for years, especially not in new york city.
The tinder fellow is from this city, with a good job and friends and family here. He's brought up moving to another state at some point, and if it were any other city than new york, I would consider seeing if the two of us could eventually end up together in the new place. But new york is hard, and he's had no desire to live there. I’ve done a long-distance relationship before, and I don’t know if I’m cut out for it. If I were single, I would just go to New York. If we had just started dating, I would just go. But in the time between the application and the job offer, I’ve started to fall deeply in love with him. He isn’t at all what I thought I was looking for, but for some reason, it works. Well. The sex is, by far, the best either of us has ever had. Both of us are completely different from what the other has dated before, but we have so much fun together. He's kind and capable and funny and easy-going and curious. I really like who I am around him and how I feel. We both want the same things from life. The connection I have with him is like nothing I have ever felt in other relationships. It’s intense, but it’s also comforting. We just went on a weekend trip together out of town, and it was easy - so easy and fun and I can’t think of anyone else I’ve had that much fun traveling with before. A few weeks ago, he and I parted on the street corner after we had gone out for breakfast, and I turned to look at him from a half block away, and I was overwhelmed with how much I liked him that I almost doubled over, thinking, “Don’t lose this. Please, please don’t lose this.” I know he feels just as strongly. We've both had to deal with a few stressful things in our lives since the relationship started, and we've disagreed on a few things, and we both communicate and deal with difficult issues in similar and compatible ways. We've already started to talk about the long term - our families know about each other, and we've met each other's friends.
But does this sound prosaic? Is this just limerence still? Are there a million people like this? Should I just take the plunge and go to new york and have a crazy, stressful, fun life? If you see there’s a crystal-clear answer, then please let me know. Otherwise, how do you make a choice? I’ve made lists, and I tossed a coin - and I want both. I'd regret losing either one, possibly deeply.
I currently live in a large city in a state in the interior of the country. I moved here for graduate school, and I’ve made good friends, and I have a government job, where I make enough to afford to buy a small house, if I wanted, and I have tenure. I’m single, in my mid-30s, and I don’t think I want children.
I went on tinder three months ago. I didn’t expect anything, but I met someone who seemed pretty fun, so we started hanging out and sleeping together. I told him I was in no rush for anything serious.
I never planned to stay in this city, so about two weeks after he and I met and had hung out a handful of times, I applied to a job in New York City. One of my best friends lives there (though she doesn’t plan on staying too much longer), and I’ve visited her enough that I have a vague idea of what it’s like to live in the city. (I’ve studied this timely question and other related questions.) I have two other friends who live there, as well. The job sounded like a perfect match for my skills and would allow me to grow professionally. After several rounds of interviews and being flown out, I was offered the position. It’s in private industry, the pay is comparable to what I am making now with the cost of living increase, and would allow me to live comfortably in Brooklyn without roommates, but I would lose my pension. The coworkers and the job and the bosses all are just what I was looking for. The past few times I’ve been in New York, especially this last time, I’ve had this overwhelming feeling that I want that city. I want it, and I want to live there, and know it and have it break my heart and mend it over and over daily, with every fiber of my being. It feels like home, more than the city I am in now ever did. I was walking to my hotel before the interview and it just felt right. I felt incredibly happy and at peace and excited. My field is very small and very specialized - a job like this won't come up again, possibly for years, especially not in new york city.
The tinder fellow is from this city, with a good job and friends and family here. He's brought up moving to another state at some point, and if it were any other city than new york, I would consider seeing if the two of us could eventually end up together in the new place. But new york is hard, and he's had no desire to live there. I’ve done a long-distance relationship before, and I don’t know if I’m cut out for it. If I were single, I would just go to New York. If we had just started dating, I would just go. But in the time between the application and the job offer, I’ve started to fall deeply in love with him. He isn’t at all what I thought I was looking for, but for some reason, it works. Well. The sex is, by far, the best either of us has ever had. Both of us are completely different from what the other has dated before, but we have so much fun together. He's kind and capable and funny and easy-going and curious. I really like who I am around him and how I feel. We both want the same things from life. The connection I have with him is like nothing I have ever felt in other relationships. It’s intense, but it’s also comforting. We just went on a weekend trip together out of town, and it was easy - so easy and fun and I can’t think of anyone else I’ve had that much fun traveling with before. A few weeks ago, he and I parted on the street corner after we had gone out for breakfast, and I turned to look at him from a half block away, and I was overwhelmed with how much I liked him that I almost doubled over, thinking, “Don’t lose this. Please, please don’t lose this.” I know he feels just as strongly. We've both had to deal with a few stressful things in our lives since the relationship started, and we've disagreed on a few things, and we both communicate and deal with difficult issues in similar and compatible ways. We've already started to talk about the long term - our families know about each other, and we've met each other's friends.
But does this sound prosaic? Is this just limerence still? Are there a million people like this? Should I just take the plunge and go to new york and have a crazy, stressful, fun life? If you see there’s a crystal-clear answer, then please let me know. Otherwise, how do you make a choice? I’ve made lists, and I tossed a coin - and I want both. I'd regret losing either one, possibly deeply.
I think you should move to New York.
I'm a bit older than you, and I have had several points in my life where I had to choose between a relationship and an exciting opportunity. My only regrets are the times when I chose the relationship. (And not because the relationships were terrible or anything like that.)
Also, you haven't been together long enough to judge whether you're really well-matched or not. Also, I wonder if your feelings about living in New York versus his means that you may not be as compatible as it currently seems.
Finally--why are you the one who has to make the sacrifice here?
Also, think how you'll feel if you let this opportunity slip through your fingers, and in six months or a year, this relationship goes bust and you're left in a town you never intended to stay in.
posted by tiger tiger at 6:39 AM on June 6, 2016 [23 favorites]
I'm a bit older than you, and I have had several points in my life where I had to choose between a relationship and an exciting opportunity. My only regrets are the times when I chose the relationship. (And not because the relationships were terrible or anything like that.)
Also, you haven't been together long enough to judge whether you're really well-matched or not. Also, I wonder if your feelings about living in New York versus his means that you may not be as compatible as it currently seems.
Finally--why are you the one who has to make the sacrifice here?
Also, think how you'll feel if you let this opportunity slip through your fingers, and in six months or a year, this relationship goes bust and you're left in a town you never intended to stay in.
posted by tiger tiger at 6:39 AM on June 6, 2016 [23 favorites]
I would not consider this relationship in your decision to move. Three months is high point if the honeymoon phase. You haven't really seen the real other person in this relationship yet. Moving to NY city is a big decision, with lots of pros and cons. Just make that choice with the job offer.
posted by Kalmya at 6:45 AM on June 6, 2016 [29 favorites]
posted by Kalmya at 6:45 AM on June 6, 2016 [29 favorites]
Yes--why are you the one who do the sacrifice in your wonderful relationship ?
posted by Oli D. at 6:47 AM on June 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Oli D. at 6:47 AM on June 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Move to NYC. Seriously, it's nice that you're in a great space with this guy you met three months ago, but you met this guy three months ago.
posted by xingcat at 6:49 AM on June 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 6:49 AM on June 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
I get the feeling our answers aren't going to help you decide either!
I say go to New York. It's what you want to do with your life and career—it's investing in yourself and your future. Relationships come and go. In a few years you'll look back and think how outrageous it was that you almost skipped this exciting new chapter of your life for a guy you met on Tinder.
posted by ejs at 6:49 AM on June 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
I say go to New York. It's what you want to do with your life and career—it's investing in yourself and your future. Relationships come and go. In a few years you'll look back and think how outrageous it was that you almost skipped this exciting new chapter of your life for a guy you met on Tinder.
posted by ejs at 6:49 AM on June 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Either way, you're gaining something that could be wonderful (or could go to hell). Either way you're losing something you might regret. So the question is really about picking which down side you prefer.
Imagine yourself in five years or so. Imagine the best possible outcome of each choice: you stayed and you're happier in love than you've ever been, or you left and New York has been as energizing as you always imagined. Which regret tugs at you more? Giving up the promising relationship, or giving up the new city and job and life?
If you can stand Dear Sugar you might want to read The Ghost Ship That Didn't Carry Us.
posted by babelfish at 6:57 AM on June 6, 2016 [9 favorites]
Imagine yourself in five years or so. Imagine the best possible outcome of each choice: you stayed and you're happier in love than you've ever been, or you left and New York has been as energizing as you always imagined. Which regret tugs at you more? Giving up the promising relationship, or giving up the new city and job and life?
If you can stand Dear Sugar you might want to read The Ghost Ship That Didn't Carry Us.
posted by babelfish at 6:57 AM on June 6, 2016 [9 favorites]
He wasn't expecting you. You weren't expecting him. Who knows, maybe he _would_ like New York. He could at least try it.
posted by amtho at 7:16 AM on June 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by amtho at 7:16 AM on June 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
Three months is very much still limerence. It might be something more if you stay and let it become something more, for sure, but it's not enough to have any sense of what that something might look or feel like in the long run. You say "if we had just started dating" but honestly, from my perspective, sixteen years in with the same person? You have just started dating. It's unlikely (not impossible, I suppose) that you have any real sense of who this person is or who you will be with him, after so little time.
Which is to say, in your shoes, I'd take the move, without a doubt. But either way, you get to explore something new and exciting that gives you a chance to grow, so that's your upside here. Pick something, try not to resent the other thing you let go, and have fun.
posted by Stacey at 7:18 AM on June 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Which is to say, in your shoes, I'd take the move, without a doubt. But either way, you get to explore something new and exciting that gives you a chance to grow, so that's your upside here. Pick something, try not to resent the other thing you let go, and have fun.
posted by Stacey at 7:18 AM on June 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
NYC isn't going anywhere. Really it just comes down to which life experiences you personally prioritize. Emotional or financial. Both are equally valid. In my experience there is always another job and as I said NY isn't going anywhere, but I'm not you.
posted by wwax at 7:18 AM on June 6, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by wwax at 7:18 AM on June 6, 2016 [6 favorites]
I'm a New Yorker and I miss it terribly. You should go. I know that magical feeling you have about New York being home. Go home.
Every time I compromised my location for a relationship, or did the long distance thing, it was a huge mistake that split my attention and poisoned my adventure. YMMV, but be wary of going long distance. When you get to New York, be there. Go all in.
You need something to make up for the pension. What can you negotiate?
I don't trust anyone who says "I could never live in New York." This means on some fundamental level we are not sympatico, I look at them as possibly flawed. To me it's like they're rejecting something fundamental about me. I do not feel this way about any other thing in the whole wide world. If someone dislikes NYC, than I know they lack a sensibility and value system somewhere deep that I feel is required to really "get" me. I worry deep down that person is intellectually or emotionally narrow.
I guess what I'm saying is that this guy sounds nice, but if he isn't the type to embrace this sort of adventure, he wouldn't be something I give up my dreams for.
In the end it depends what type of life experiences you want. If New York calls to you, go. That's my advice.
posted by jbenben at 7:36 AM on June 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
Every time I compromised my location for a relationship, or did the long distance thing, it was a huge mistake that split my attention and poisoned my adventure. YMMV, but be wary of going long distance. When you get to New York, be there. Go all in.
You need something to make up for the pension. What can you negotiate?
I don't trust anyone who says "I could never live in New York." This means on some fundamental level we are not sympatico, I look at them as possibly flawed. To me it's like they're rejecting something fundamental about me. I do not feel this way about any other thing in the whole wide world. If someone dislikes NYC, than I know they lack a sensibility and value system somewhere deep that I feel is required to really "get" me. I worry deep down that person is intellectually or emotionally narrow.
I guess what I'm saying is that this guy sounds nice, but if he isn't the type to embrace this sort of adventure, he wouldn't be something I give up my dreams for.
In the end it depends what type of life experiences you want. If New York calls to you, go. That's my advice.
posted by jbenben at 7:36 AM on June 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
I'm also a New Yorker. I think you should take the job. Not doing so would be making a pretty huge sacrifice for someone you don't know very well; I would be quite wary of the precedent that sets for the rest of your relationship.
If you haven't already, open up to him about this and about how torn you feel given the connection you have developed. His reaction will give you a lot of new information about him and about your relationship to one another. Use that information!
posted by superfluousm at 7:42 AM on June 6, 2016 [6 favorites]
If you haven't already, open up to him about this and about how torn you feel given the connection you have developed. His reaction will give you a lot of new information about him and about your relationship to one another. Use that information!
posted by superfluousm at 7:42 AM on June 6, 2016 [6 favorites]
My rule of thumb: When you make a big list of pros and cons, the thing you say last is how you really feel.
posted by Etrigan at 7:44 AM on June 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
Should I just take the plunge and go to new york and have a crazy, stressful, fun life?Yep.
posted by Etrigan at 7:44 AM on June 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
I would take the job. I also experienced the "NYC is home" thing the first time I came here, and have never regretted moving here. I would not give up what sounds like a unicorn of a job opportunity for a new relationship.
posted by bedhead at 7:45 AM on June 6, 2016
posted by bedhead at 7:45 AM on June 6, 2016
In general, I would not recommend factoring in someone you just met (and yes, 3 months means you just met) into Big Life Decisions. It would be different if this guy had already proven over a long period of time (e.g. a year or more) that he's relationship material, stable, supportive, caring, compatible, etc -- but you just met him. You said you've made lists, but you simply do not have enough information about this guy to know whether he even deserves to be on your list.
Take the job and move.
posted by Gray Skies at 7:47 AM on June 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
Take the job and move.
posted by Gray Skies at 7:47 AM on June 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
I've let relationships drive where I lived and my career path, and I regret both times. And these were people I'd been with for a year +. Don't let your relationship affect this decision.
If you want kids soonish, maybe it makes sense to stay in an easier city to date / buy a house in and keep your pension. Otherwise, go to New York! It doesn't sound like anything is holding you to current city.
posted by momus_window at 7:48 AM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you want kids soonish, maybe it makes sense to stay in an easier city to date / buy a house in and keep your pension. Otherwise, go to New York! It doesn't sound like anything is holding you to current city.
posted by momus_window at 7:48 AM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Take the job. If you stay and your relationship doesn't work out, you've lost the guy AND the job. If you go, you may lose the guy but you gain so much more: a great job in a city you live and a whole new chapter in your life. Go!
posted by _Mona_ at 8:02 AM on June 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by _Mona_ at 8:02 AM on June 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
I've let a relationship influence where I lived and what I did with my life before, and while I don't have any regrets because I'm pretty happy with how life is going right now, it was definitely a mistake. The relationship fizzled out in less than a year and left me somewhere I didn't really want to be. I think it's much easier to get over a relationship that didn't work out because you stuck to doing right by yourself than to get over setbacks in your life that you took solely for a relationship that didn't work.
Plus I spent a few weeks in New York last fall and really enjoyed it. Please visit Champs Diner for me.
posted by Gymnopedist at 8:06 AM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Plus I spent a few weeks in New York last fall and really enjoyed it. Please visit Champs Diner for me.
posted by Gymnopedist at 8:06 AM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
I made a choice not to take a big job/travel opportunity in part because I was in an 8-month relationship that was super promising. I was on the fence about going anyway so I chose to stay; it worked out; we live together and are very in love 2 years later; I have no regrets. But, not to sound like a total non-romantic, if I'd gone instead and we had broken up, my life would have gone on and other great things would have happened, you know?
Ask yourself which of these two options best serves your goals, desires, and dreams for yourself right now. Not choosing the other option doesn't mean that that goal/dream/desire can't be important anymore, only that you will have to pursue it another time in another way.
posted by Owl of Athena at 8:06 AM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Ask yourself which of these two options best serves your goals, desires, and dreams for yourself right now. Not choosing the other option doesn't mean that that goal/dream/desire can't be important anymore, only that you will have to pursue it another time in another way.
posted by Owl of Athena at 8:06 AM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Another voice in the chorus of "take the job and move".
Look, it sounds like you really like that guy, and that's awesome. In this connected era, you can take a shot at a LDR and see what happens. If he is thrilled to see you grow and thrive in your new beloved environment, then you know he's someone worth hanging on to, and the two of you can figure it out from there.
posted by Sublimity at 8:11 AM on June 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Look, it sounds like you really like that guy, and that's awesome. In this connected era, you can take a shot at a LDR and see what happens. If he is thrilled to see you grow and thrive in your new beloved environment, then you know he's someone worth hanging on to, and the two of you can figure it out from there.
posted by Sublimity at 8:11 AM on June 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Go. And realize that is it not the end of all things. You can always come back if the pull of the relationship gets stronger than the pull of the city. Or he may want to move. Or you may hate the city. Don't close off one for the other. Nothing is permanent and you can make a decision of just trying it out, and then go from there, six months to a year from now. Look at it as testing the waters, not a black and white decision.
posted by Vaike at 8:22 AM on June 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Vaike at 8:22 AM on June 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Oh my God. As a woman who has spent so much of her life, too much of her life, revolving her choices large and small around other people, particularly men, please don't throw this opportunity away for someone you met on Tinder three months ago. Someone you met on Tinder three months ago, I repeat it for emphasis. Do you know how many times I felt certain this was it, only to see it all fall apart when he just wasn't the person I thought he was and his interest in me faded away.
Has he told you he loves you? Are you in a real relationship or still keeping it casual? Have you explicitly had the talk about being exclusive?
posted by unannihilated at 8:27 AM on June 6, 2016 [38 favorites]
Has he told you he loves you? Are you in a real relationship or still keeping it casual? Have you explicitly had the talk about being exclusive?
posted by unannihilated at 8:27 AM on June 6, 2016 [38 favorites]
Go go go! You'll regret not moving more than you will potentially abandoning this relationship. He can visit, you can Skype, and if it doesn't work out maybe in ten years you'll reconnect on Facebook or something. Three months is nothing! NEW YORK!!!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 8:30 AM on June 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by masquesoporfavor at 8:30 AM on June 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
I love NYC and I love my career. If you were talking about a two-year relationship on the verge of marriage, I still might counsel staying. After three months, you know basically nothing, and you're high on a cocktail of hormones (especially if the sex is good!). Go to NYC. Try the LDR. There's so much here.
posted by praemunire at 8:40 AM on June 6, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 8:40 AM on June 6, 2016 [6 favorites]
Any other city I would say go for it, dream job, carpe diem etc. But New York is the ultimate limerence, and no city on earth will make you regret moving there quicker while isolating you thoroughly. I loved my time there, but I'm really glad to be gone. If this industry exists anywhere else, consider going there instead. Whether or not you continue to have a boyfriend.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:48 AM on June 6, 2016
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:48 AM on June 6, 2016
I chose a relationship in a flyover state over single life on the coasts working a glamorous job. Not a choice that really gets trumpeted in glory a lot. I think it's underrated, personally, but definitely not for everyone.
First step is to make sure you're actually making the choice you think you are. You're comparing two good things, because you're imagining they both work out. Is this job REALLY ABSOLUTELY 100% a dream job? How sure can you be? What if it's drudgery? What if it's a huge mistake?
Is this guy REALLY ABSOLUTELY 100% a dream guy? Does he actually want to marry you and/or spend his life with you? Or is that somewhat wishful thinking? Is he himself sort of on the fence? How well do you know him? What if he had a huge dark deal-breaking secret? Etc.
Second step is asking yourself who you really are. You've spent a lot of time working on your career so far in your life (grad school, etc.) Were you always the kind of person who made the deep conscious choice to forgo marriage and kids in favor of a calling, since you were 6 years old? Or was it sort of incidental, like, I'll just keep doing this, no guy has fallen in my lap so I guess it's not meant to be? Does some part of you want kids and a husband and just thought it wouldn't happen so you had to stop wanting it?
Third step is asking: How hard is it to find a new man in your current town? In New York? How hard is it to find a new job in your current town? In New York? Because you should always plan on a somewhat uncertain future. Would you like any other job in New York, or just this one? Would you like any other man in your current town, or just this one? Etc.
Good things to ask yourself.
posted by quincunx at 10:04 AM on June 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
First step is to make sure you're actually making the choice you think you are. You're comparing two good things, because you're imagining they both work out. Is this job REALLY ABSOLUTELY 100% a dream job? How sure can you be? What if it's drudgery? What if it's a huge mistake?
Is this guy REALLY ABSOLUTELY 100% a dream guy? Does he actually want to marry you and/or spend his life with you? Or is that somewhat wishful thinking? Is he himself sort of on the fence? How well do you know him? What if he had a huge dark deal-breaking secret? Etc.
Second step is asking yourself who you really are. You've spent a lot of time working on your career so far in your life (grad school, etc.) Were you always the kind of person who made the deep conscious choice to forgo marriage and kids in favor of a calling, since you were 6 years old? Or was it sort of incidental, like, I'll just keep doing this, no guy has fallen in my lap so I guess it's not meant to be? Does some part of you want kids and a husband and just thought it wouldn't happen so you had to stop wanting it?
Third step is asking: How hard is it to find a new man in your current town? In New York? How hard is it to find a new job in your current town? In New York? Because you should always plan on a somewhat uncertain future. Would you like any other job in New York, or just this one? Would you like any other man in your current town, or just this one? Etc.
Good things to ask yourself.
posted by quincunx at 10:04 AM on June 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
Contextually, both of them sound like amazing and good decisions for you, but I can't help but wonder whether you just know if you'll regret one more than the other, five years from now. Would you miss this job, and this opportunity, for the rest of your life? Would you miss him for the rest of your life? It's worth listening to this retrospective intuition... even knowing something small.
The good news is that people continue to live onwards in life regardless of what another does. He will still exist; you will too. Others have intimated that things do work out in the future. They can; I've seen it happen. We all wish for it. Have you told him what the relationship means to you so far? I think I would start there, by playing your cards open-handed at this point – not to be winsome – not to get him to come to New York with you, as that is his decision and he may indeed already know it – but he deserves to hear all the things that one day perhaps you wish you had said. Why not, really, if it's the right and good thing to tell.
Yet, all else aside, I frankly remain of the opinion that one's own life comes first, until you consequentially make the decision to include another in that process. You will ultimately follow your own path in this choice: what matters right now is how you approach the process of going about doing this. You may have to make two choices, to your heart, in making a right and a wrong choice; and finding peace and acceptance and resolve within that is going to be your soul food at the moment. I retract my advice-giving simply because sometimes we can't know how we're going to feel on the other side of an issue, but we can take our very best foot forwards and put together a loving look at everything that matters to us so we can appreciate it healthily.
Treat yourself as well as possible in this decision. It's not easy, but it is good on both sides of the road. Both can be meaningful.
posted by a good beginning at 10:19 AM on June 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
The good news is that people continue to live onwards in life regardless of what another does. He will still exist; you will too. Others have intimated that things do work out in the future. They can; I've seen it happen. We all wish for it. Have you told him what the relationship means to you so far? I think I would start there, by playing your cards open-handed at this point – not to be winsome – not to get him to come to New York with you, as that is his decision and he may indeed already know it – but he deserves to hear all the things that one day perhaps you wish you had said. Why not, really, if it's the right and good thing to tell.
Yet, all else aside, I frankly remain of the opinion that one's own life comes first, until you consequentially make the decision to include another in that process. You will ultimately follow your own path in this choice: what matters right now is how you approach the process of going about doing this. You may have to make two choices, to your heart, in making a right and a wrong choice; and finding peace and acceptance and resolve within that is going to be your soul food at the moment. I retract my advice-giving simply because sometimes we can't know how we're going to feel on the other side of an issue, but we can take our very best foot forwards and put together a loving look at everything that matters to us so we can appreciate it healthily.
Treat yourself as well as possible in this decision. It's not easy, but it is good on both sides of the road. Both can be meaningful.
posted by a good beginning at 10:19 AM on June 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
It's also worth mentioning that neither the job nor the guy are probably as good as you're imagining them right now. Either way there will be some smudges of dingy realism on the shiny storefront window of the dream.
posted by quincunx at 10:20 AM on June 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by quincunx at 10:20 AM on June 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
I was once in the exact same shoes as you. Just met someone on Tinder a few months prior, and then got a job offer across the U.S. I seriously considered staying for the person. I made the painful decision to move. The relationship combusted (independently) right before I left.
The next four years were the best of my life - and everytime I think back to that moment, I am so grateful I made the right choice.
Go to NYC. You can always visit him and he can visit you if it's really that serious. Put your life first.
posted by pando11 at 10:37 AM on June 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
The next four years were the best of my life - and everytime I think back to that moment, I am so grateful I made the right choice.
Go to NYC. You can always visit him and he can visit you if it's really that serious. Put your life first.
posted by pando11 at 10:37 AM on June 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Maybe it is just because I am a New Yorker in summer exile for my stupid husband's job but oh, god, just go to New York. You can always move back if you hate it, though I do understand giving up a real-life pension might be hard to get back. And if you love it, you will be insufferably in love forever, and I would hate to think of a city lover missing out on its myriad charms. My only caution is that I think you have to live somewhere for at least three years to know if you really hate it or not.
posted by dame at 12:00 PM on June 6, 2016
posted by dame at 12:00 PM on June 6, 2016
For me, the bigger decision would be tenure and pension VS move to private industry. But, if New York is calling you and this exciting job is a unicorn (rare to be offered, especially in New York), GO!
I'd also like to chime in with the wise advice above to not factor in a wonderful guy you've just started dating. Sure you seem to be compatible and the sex is fun, but it's only been 3 months. You are entering the prime earning years of your career. Your moves now will have a giant influence on how your professional life and financial life turn out. Even the greatest guy shouldn't get in the way of those critical decisions. I've seen many women in my life make large sacrifices for their boyfriends, husbands, families, etc and many of them get absolutely screwed in terrible ways. They could have saved themselves so much grief if they had put themselves first at some critical junctures. Put yourself first. Take a leap of faith and live in NYC and have this great unicorn job with a great boss and great coworkers. There are lots of fantastic men out there. If this one is really, really special, let him make the sacrifice to join you.
posted by quince at 12:25 PM on June 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'd also like to chime in with the wise advice above to not factor in a wonderful guy you've just started dating. Sure you seem to be compatible and the sex is fun, but it's only been 3 months. You are entering the prime earning years of your career. Your moves now will have a giant influence on how your professional life and financial life turn out. Even the greatest guy shouldn't get in the way of those critical decisions. I've seen many women in my life make large sacrifices for their boyfriends, husbands, families, etc and many of them get absolutely screwed in terrible ways. They could have saved themselves so much grief if they had put themselves first at some critical junctures. Put yourself first. Take a leap of faith and live in NYC and have this great unicorn job with a great boss and great coworkers. There are lots of fantastic men out there. If this one is really, really special, let him make the sacrifice to join you.
posted by quince at 12:25 PM on June 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
I think you should talk to your guy about all of this. You say you've sort of talked about the long-term, but I think you should talk to him more directly about this struggle you're having. How he responds will give you a lot more information to work with. Right now, you're sort of working in a vacuum.
posted by colfax at 1:25 PM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by colfax at 1:25 PM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
I agree with colfax that you should talk to tinder guy about all this. Make it a conversation. Not that he gets to make the decision, but how that conversation goes will tell you more about what you want.
However, the way you wrote this question, I think you want to move to New York more than you want to stay and be with tinder dude. Maybe that's not actually true, but it's the tone of the question. So, that's significant.
My question to you is, how much do you want the new job compared to the old job? If you really, really want to move to New York later, and the relationship doesn't work out, that's going to be an option, almost certainly no matter what your field is. You might not get a perfect job there later, but you'll be able to live there and get a job (and it may turn out that your new job is far from perfect, anyhow).
My personal leaning would be to stay and give the relationship a shot, if you're really in love, because if it doesn't work out you can move to NY later (and because I don't understand the love affair some people have with New York). But my vote, for you, is most likely the opposite, because I think moving is the thing you desire more right now.
posted by J. Wilson at 2:49 PM on June 6, 2016
However, the way you wrote this question, I think you want to move to New York more than you want to stay and be with tinder dude. Maybe that's not actually true, but it's the tone of the question. So, that's significant.
My question to you is, how much do you want the new job compared to the old job? If you really, really want to move to New York later, and the relationship doesn't work out, that's going to be an option, almost certainly no matter what your field is. You might not get a perfect job there later, but you'll be able to live there and get a job (and it may turn out that your new job is far from perfect, anyhow).
My personal leaning would be to stay and give the relationship a shot, if you're really in love, because if it doesn't work out you can move to NY later (and because I don't understand the love affair some people have with New York). But my vote, for you, is most likely the opposite, because I think moving is the thing you desire more right now.
posted by J. Wilson at 2:49 PM on June 6, 2016
Other things that just occurred to me:
This is a private industry job in New York. You are used to working for the state. Have you ever worked a non-state job? Are you prepared for the competition, the overtime, the fluctuations of the market, etc., the non-assured vacation time, the sneering at using what vacation time you do have from coworkers? I know, I know, you're going to tell me not all jobs have this and you love the people. IME, like 85% of all private sector jobs in the U.S., especially in competitive cities, do, in fact, have some shade or tinge of this.
New York is also really glamorous and fun and exciting, but really expensive and impractical/steep learning curve for someone who is used to a non-New York suburban way of life (IE, basically in the entire rest of the U.S.)
You did not mention anything negative at all about New York City. Believe me, even people who love New York can mention many negative things about New York. This seriously worries me that you've got blinders on and, as I once did, think you're going straight to the New York out of novels and TV shows and not the real one. You mention disagreements with tinder guy, but no disagreements at all with New York. Hm.
posted by quincunx at 3:20 PM on June 6, 2016 [6 favorites]
This is a private industry job in New York. You are used to working for the state. Have you ever worked a non-state job? Are you prepared for the competition, the overtime, the fluctuations of the market, etc., the non-assured vacation time, the sneering at using what vacation time you do have from coworkers? I know, I know, you're going to tell me not all jobs have this and you love the people. IME, like 85% of all private sector jobs in the U.S., especially in competitive cities, do, in fact, have some shade or tinge of this.
New York is also really glamorous and fun and exciting, but really expensive and impractical/steep learning curve for someone who is used to a non-New York suburban way of life (IE, basically in the entire rest of the U.S.)
You did not mention anything negative at all about New York City. Believe me, even people who love New York can mention many negative things about New York. This seriously worries me that you've got blinders on and, as I once did, think you're going straight to the New York out of novels and TV shows and not the real one. You mention disagreements with tinder guy, but no disagreements at all with New York. Hm.
posted by quincunx at 3:20 PM on June 6, 2016 [6 favorites]
You sound more in love with New York than the guy. For that and all the other reasons people have already mentioned, I'd say to choose the job in NYC.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:59 PM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:59 PM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
New York, New York, New York.
posted by chestnut-haired-sunfish at 7:06 PM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by chestnut-haired-sunfish at 7:06 PM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
I disagree with those who say New York is not going anywhere. It's becoming a Disneyfied chain shopping mall, as the unique shops that have been here for 50 to 100+ years sucumb to a real estate market warped by money laundering. Just look at what http://vanishingnewyork.blogspot.com has covered in the past few years.
So come enjoy what's left of NYC while you can.
posted by Sophont at 7:46 PM on June 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
So come enjoy what's left of NYC while you can.
posted by Sophont at 7:46 PM on June 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Listen to your gut.
The Laughing Heartposted by sallybrown at 8:50 PM on June 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
-- Charles Bukowski (emphasis added)
You describe the new job and living in NY with much more passion than you do this new relationship. A job offer is a commitment. What kind of commitment have you received from this relationship? Sounds like none, other than if you don't move he won't move, and the two of you can continue to enjoy each other's company. Stasis. That's not much of a commitment.
If I had to choose between a nice so far but young relationship in a city I never planned to stay in, or my dream job in my dream city, I'd choose the latter. Similar to what others have mentioned already, I've gained way more in the long run from a solid opportunity than I have gained from a "nice" relationship. Should either end, the career opportunity is likely to leave you with a lot more than the failed relationship would. Seconding what others have said about his resistance to NY relative to your exuberance. Is that really a match?
Also, why would you want to buy a house in a city you don't care to stay in? How long would you have to stay in the job to keep the pension? It sounds like it's possible you'd leave the city (and the job) any way. If you'll likely lose the pension eventually, it shouldn't factor into your decision making. Or, if you decide to stick around just for the pension, what are your opportunity costs for doing so? How does that compare to the new avenues that will open up by the better opportunity in New York?
This is coming from a woman who is currently reaping the freedom and many benefits of a solid career I fully enjoy. I followed my heart to a place that was calling me. I threw myself into a fun and stressful life. I do not regret it, but revel in what it has given me that those less adventurous do not have. I'm also single and tired of making compromises for a man under the guise of him being "the one". YMMV.
posted by Goblin Barbarian at 12:48 AM on June 7, 2016
If I had to choose between a nice so far but young relationship in a city I never planned to stay in, or my dream job in my dream city, I'd choose the latter. Similar to what others have mentioned already, I've gained way more in the long run from a solid opportunity than I have gained from a "nice" relationship. Should either end, the career opportunity is likely to leave you with a lot more than the failed relationship would. Seconding what others have said about his resistance to NY relative to your exuberance. Is that really a match?
Also, why would you want to buy a house in a city you don't care to stay in? How long would you have to stay in the job to keep the pension? It sounds like it's possible you'd leave the city (and the job) any way. If you'll likely lose the pension eventually, it shouldn't factor into your decision making. Or, if you decide to stick around just for the pension, what are your opportunity costs for doing so? How does that compare to the new avenues that will open up by the better opportunity in New York?
This is coming from a woman who is currently reaping the freedom and many benefits of a solid career I fully enjoy. I followed my heart to a place that was calling me. I threw myself into a fun and stressful life. I do not regret it, but revel in what it has given me that those less adventurous do not have. I'm also single and tired of making compromises for a man under the guise of him being "the one". YMMV.
posted by Goblin Barbarian at 12:48 AM on June 7, 2016
Many people are preoccupied with avoiding regret, but there will always be things to regret. Get comfortable with that, and make the choice that seems best to you at the time, accepting that no matter what you do you will have regrets.
I have tenure
If you go, see if you can take a leave of absence.
posted by yohko at 8:20 PM on June 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
I have tenure
If you go, see if you can take a leave of absence.
posted by yohko at 8:20 PM on June 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
I find New York a pretty stressful and not fun place to live, but everyone who gets a shot to live there should try it once.
posted by jacobnayar at 4:41 PM on June 8, 2016
posted by jacobnayar at 4:41 PM on June 8, 2016
Can you financially afford to go to NYC for a few months and then make your ultimate decision? This way you don't have to decide right away.
If you can't, I'd say just go with your gut whatever it tells you. I don't want you to reject this job and wonder for the rest of your life "What if?" perhaps for that reason alone you should just come live here, BUT I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't tell you the truth.
I'm a new Yorker- A REAL New Yorker. Born and raised. (Only pointing this out because there are LOTS of people who spend only a couple of years in NYC and call themselves "new-yorkers." Not saying they are necessarily on this thread, but I think it's important.)
If you were a guy I'd say- Definitely come and choose the job. If you are lesbian I'll say the same. If you were in your 20's I'd say the same.
However- the fact that you are female and no longer in your 20's makes me have to tell you that you shouldn't jump into this decision. New York city is statistically the worst city for a woman to find love in. It has the largest # of single women in the USA. There are several reasons for this which I won't bother getting into here; But despite the reasons- when I leave NY and go to other parts of the US for vacation I am often floored how all of a sudden I get men in my own age range asking me out. I also get asked out probably 30 times outside of NY for every 1 time I get asked out in NYC. That seems like an exaggeration, but I assure you this IS my experience and the experience of many others as well. There are women in NYC who LITERALLY pack their bags, leave their jobs, their entire lives and move out of state JUST SO THAT THEY CAN FIND A MAN for a long term relationship/marriage. Not joking. This happens. This is not an easy place to find someone who truly loves you at any age- but that goes double or even triple if you happen to be a female over the age of 29.
If you are in your mid 30's and planning on moving to the city which has statistically the most single women per capita, you can't just "think" you don't want to have kids. You should feel pretty confident that you will be happy if you don't get married within the next 4-5 years (or ever) and never have them. (assuming that's how you would choose to have children).
I'm not telling you to pick this guy over NYC, because I'm not really factoring him into this response. I am mainly concerned with what YOU want for yourself in life, whether it happens to be with your current guy or not. Are you sure you're fine not having kids? Do you want a life-long love and husband who will be a good father? Can you do without these things and still be happy? If you can't answer Yes to these right away do some soul-searching first.
Don't get me wrong- this is my home my whole life and I love it. But because I'm a real NY'er I never had any false notions of what NYC is. I just don't want you to be one of the many transplants I see coming to live in NYC to live their fantasy of what they THINK life is really going to be like here, only to find that 10 years later they haven't saved any money because of the high cost of living, are still single, still living in a tiny apartment.. but they are 10 years older. While all their friends their age back home now have 2 kids, own a home with two garages and 2 cars. Some are a-ok with this and very happy just to be in NYC! Others...are not. Since you are in your mid 30's you really need to know who you are and what you want before putting down all your chips.
posted by manderin at 6:46 PM on June 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
If you can't, I'd say just go with your gut whatever it tells you. I don't want you to reject this job and wonder for the rest of your life "What if?" perhaps for that reason alone you should just come live here, BUT I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't tell you the truth.
I'm a new Yorker- A REAL New Yorker. Born and raised. (Only pointing this out because there are LOTS of people who spend only a couple of years in NYC and call themselves "new-yorkers." Not saying they are necessarily on this thread, but I think it's important.)
If you were a guy I'd say- Definitely come and choose the job. If you are lesbian I'll say the same. If you were in your 20's I'd say the same.
However- the fact that you are female and no longer in your 20's makes me have to tell you that you shouldn't jump into this decision. New York city is statistically the worst city for a woman to find love in. It has the largest # of single women in the USA. There are several reasons for this which I won't bother getting into here; But despite the reasons- when I leave NY and go to other parts of the US for vacation I am often floored how all of a sudden I get men in my own age range asking me out. I also get asked out probably 30 times outside of NY for every 1 time I get asked out in NYC. That seems like an exaggeration, but I assure you this IS my experience and the experience of many others as well. There are women in NYC who LITERALLY pack their bags, leave their jobs, their entire lives and move out of state JUST SO THAT THEY CAN FIND A MAN for a long term relationship/marriage. Not joking. This happens. This is not an easy place to find someone who truly loves you at any age- but that goes double or even triple if you happen to be a female over the age of 29.
If you are in your mid 30's and planning on moving to the city which has statistically the most single women per capita, you can't just "think" you don't want to have kids. You should feel pretty confident that you will be happy if you don't get married within the next 4-5 years (or ever) and never have them. (assuming that's how you would choose to have children).
I'm not telling you to pick this guy over NYC, because I'm not really factoring him into this response. I am mainly concerned with what YOU want for yourself in life, whether it happens to be with your current guy or not. Are you sure you're fine not having kids? Do you want a life-long love and husband who will be a good father? Can you do without these things and still be happy? If you can't answer Yes to these right away do some soul-searching first.
Don't get me wrong- this is my home my whole life and I love it. But because I'm a real NY'er I never had any false notions of what NYC is. I just don't want you to be one of the many transplants I see coming to live in NYC to live their fantasy of what they THINK life is really going to be like here, only to find that 10 years later they haven't saved any money because of the high cost of living, are still single, still living in a tiny apartment.. but they are 10 years older. While all their friends their age back home now have 2 kids, own a home with two garages and 2 cars. Some are a-ok with this and very happy just to be in NYC! Others...are not. Since you are in your mid 30's you really need to know who you are and what you want before putting down all your chips.
posted by manderin at 6:46 PM on June 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
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posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:37 AM on June 6, 2016 [8 favorites]