Playing Magnum P.I.

December 25, 2005 11:24 PM

Distilled: I want to know how to legally gather information on somebody. Expounded: Many moons ago, my parents had a serious row with infidelity when my stepfather admitted to a long-term affair. After much counseling, they were able to save their 15 year marriage, and in time seemed closer and happier than ever before. It was the sort of story that gave people some hope for humanity and renewed faith in the ability of people to make good. Now -- 8 years later -- the specter rears its head again...

Here's the lowdown:
My mother began to get suspicious that my father was cheating again when he got direct deposit at his job, and she noticed that the deposits on their bank statement just listed as "ATM Deposit," while hers from her job listed the company.

She busted out the calculator, did a bit of math, and came to the conclusion that there was significantly less money in their account than should be for the number of hours my father was working.

Both being in the medical industry (he's a CRNA, she's a hospice nurse), they don't keep regular work schedules -- which makes it difficult to know when the other should be home without trusting what they say. However, she knows his rate, and the number of hours, and it wasn't adding up.

She found out that he had a PO Box that she was unaware of to which he was sending bills for a second mobile phone.

She logged on to their mobile service website (he usually took care of the bills, and did it all online), and found that for the past few months since she started her new job, he had made several calls and text messages to numbers that she didn't recognize -- numbers that were for unlisted mobile phones.

She asked me to help her out some, so I used some Google-fu to see what I could find about the numbers, and what I found made me ill. Several were for local strip clubs, and some were for escort agencies and independent escorts. Many more, I could find nothing about.

Ok, so now that the masses are filled in, the dilemma is thus: How to catch him without outside help? She has enough info that, given the past, she wants a divorce. However, she wants as much concrete info on paper about his activities as she can get, prior to going to a lawyer. She feels that he won't be honest if she just confronts him about what she's uncovered so far.

So how can she go about gathering information? What resources are there for looking up cell phone owners, for spouses accessing PO Boxes, etcetera? What are the suggestions from any MeFites who may be in the legal or law enforcement professions? Or private investigators?

She doesn't have a lot of cash to spend, and wants to handle most of her detective work herself.

Yeah, it's been a swell xmas.

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

Wow. I wish you and your mother the best during this tough situation. I understand why your mother feels as she does about trying to find things out herself. I think, however, the best course of action is to get to a lawyer ASAP. It sounds pretty clear what's *probably* happening here, and she should be protected. Let her lawyer explain how to gather information -- safely and legally. The risk is great that he could find out and empty bank accounts, run up debt, etc., in order to keep her from collecting. She needs a professional.
posted by SuperNova at 11:40 PM on December 25, 2005

Yeah, get a lawyer. Most likely, they've gone through this before and know all the right tricks. No use in reinventing the wheel.
posted by samh23 at 11:48 PM on December 25, 2005

Plus it might be different depending on what country/state you live in. I have a feeling that laws in certain states may use this evidence to give your mother more alimony or what not, but not so in other states.
posted by Monday at 12:38 AM on December 26, 2005

There's no simple way to look up PO Box owners and cell phone owners. That's why people use them.

The best way to get additional info is probably to have him followed by a competent professional to see where he really goes when your mom's not looking. I say competent professional because you'd want a stranger, and it's harder than it looks in movies.

But if she can document what you're saying he's already BUSTED. Write up a report laying out what you have with related documents (i.e. itemized bill from secret cell phone; number to independent escort circled, annotated with printout of web page of said escort, phone number circled, etc.)

For presentation to relevant interested parties, divorce attorneys, etc.

Best wishes to you and your mom.
posted by sacre_bleu at 12:50 AM on December 26, 2005

1) What's been advised above.

2) Try to distance yourself somewhat from your mother's situation. She needs to do this herself. It's not your job.
posted by Carol Anne at 5:23 AM on December 26, 2005

2) Try to distance yourself somewhat from your mother's situation.

i agree ... getting overly involved in your parents' marital problems is not a good idea
posted by pyramid termite at 6:47 AM on December 26, 2005

I concur with the advice to consult a lawyer. Another thing to think about: In a lot of states there's no-fault divorce. In other words, one spouse doesn't need to prove that the other spouse did anything wrong. If so, there really isn't any law-related reason to investigate the affair. Maybe it's better to let it alone than to go through the emotional difficulties of "proving" infidelity.
posted by Scooter at 7:54 AM on December 26, 2005

You have already caught him, and have as much information as you need. Have your mom hire a lawyer, and he'll take it from there.
posted by lester at 8:00 AM on December 26, 2005

What's wrong with going to strip clubs? Sometimes the drink specials are good.

Also, why can't you confront the guy? Fighting secrets with secrets never helps anything.
posted by zerolives at 8:24 AM on December 26, 2005

How to catch him without outside help? She has enough info that, given the past, she wants a divorce... She doesn't have a lot of cash to spend, and wants to handle most of her detective work herself.

Tell her that's a stupid idea.

Professionals get paid for good reason. When she finds herself in court, well-prepared evidence of infidelity can make a huge difference in the division of assets. Tell her it's not an expense; it's an investment. If you're selling a house, you paint the walls and clean up the landscaping; and it's not money spent, because you recover the cost in the sale price. Same principle.

Hire a lawyer, and he'll hire a private investigator. Just like thousands of penny-pinching couples discover every year when they ask cousins with digital cameras to photograph their weddings: Professionals get paid for good reason, and do-it-yourself is not appropriate for every job.
posted by cribcage at 9:31 AM on December 26, 2005

What's wrong with going to strip clubs?

Nuthin much. But "escort agencies and independent escorts"..... well.....

In my experience (married 21 years so far), you just don't go to places like Hooters or worse if your spouse isn't comfortable with it. This is an area that each couple needs to work out for themselves, but all the hiding and dishonesty in this case, even if there is a relatively innocent explanation, is in and of itself a violation of marital trust, imo.

I would speak to a lawyer to see if the evidence uncovered so far is enough to proceed with a divorce that is likely to have a favorable outcome to mom. Be very, VERY careful about getting caught up in this yourself, though.
posted by Doohickie at 10:44 AM on December 26, 2005

It's probably also worth adding: Do-it-yourself investigation to uncover infidelity pending a divorce is how spouses end up getting shot. Your stepfather is holed up in a seedy motel, mid-coitus, and suddenly your mom appears at the window with a camera flash. Long story shot, screaming profanities lead to a short car chase ending in a deadly wreck.

Sounds fantastic, right? Couldn't happen? Pick up a newspaper. Watch the evening news. Those people didn't think it could happen to them, either. Emotions run hot, and infidelity provokes irrational reactions. Just one more reason: Play it safe and let someone objective handle the dirty work.
posted by cribcage at 11:51 AM on December 26, 2005

While it is not unlawful to divert money from a family account for the purpose of going to strip clubs, it can be unlawful to surveille people in places where they have a "reasonable expectation of privacy." This is another reason to get a professional private investigator involved: they are experienced in how to gather the information they need to gather without violating the law.

I think it's a good idea to gather this evidence, by the way. This guy violated the covenant of marriage that he'd agreed to, and it sounds like this covenant is about to dissolve. Eventually a judge is going to hold the guy to account; your mother is going to want evidence to prove his wrongdoing.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:29 PM on December 26, 2005

Read Corky's classic advice, then get a lawyer.
posted by dhartung at 4:58 PM on December 26, 2005

In addition to the lawyer, I think you're mother should get all of her money out of that joint account. While it sounds as though he's only short on his contributions, it's not inconceivable that he'd cross the line and start taking her money.
posted by aladfar at 5:22 PM on December 26, 2005

Perhaps a 23 year old marriage deserves counseling, don't you think?
posted by semmi at 10:33 PM on December 26, 2005