What is this mental condition called -- and what might I do to help it?

May 5, 2016 7:49 AM

I constantly think about the past and what I "should have done" -- for big decisions (what I should have named my child, why I should have joined the Peace Corps) -- to little decisions (what I should have ordered at the restaurant; what lipstick I should have worn this morning.) It is seriously affecting my life. Help?

I have always been a regretter of mistakes, but it has in the last few years reached epic proportions. I am incredibly anxious and often angry at the past, and my past self. This is for big, actual mistakes, and also missed opportunities (that chance to go to France for a year, etc.) It is also for tiny things like what time I should have left this morning, or what brand of detergent I should have bought.

It has gotten to the point that I am paralyzed at making decisions because I am so worried of what my future self will think, and it's sinking me into regret spirals. I wouldn't say I'm clinically depressed right now, but I can't get out of my head, and I do have days where I can't do anything out of despair for the past. My self-confidence is incredibly low right now.

If it helps, I'm married (happily) and in my thirties -- so not young, but I definitely feel the weight of past decisions behind me.

Is there a specific kind of therapy that might help this? I've tried therapy in the past and found it temporarily helpful (i.e., a few hours after a session) but not much longer. Any other ways that you have gotten around this? I've dabbled with mindfulness but have never been able to really commit.

posted by anonymous to Grab Bag (11 answers total)

This is a type of anxiety. I do it too, and a small dose of anti-anxiety drugs have really helped me. Talk to your GP about anxiety issues. I cannot believe how much better my life is now, and I never would have believed such a small thing could make such a big impact.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:50 AM on May 5, 2016 [8 favorites]

It's called rumination and it also can be a sign of depression and OCD. This is definitely worth speaking to a professional about.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:58 AM on May 5, 2016 [4 favorites]

David Burns, author of the Feeling Good Handbook (cognitive behavioral therapy bible for anxiety and depression) calls these "cognitive distortions."

Link, PDF
posted by gramcracker at 7:59 AM on May 5, 2016 [2 favorites]

Yep, agree with Ruthless Bunny that this sounds a lot like my anxiety. I've also found anti-anxiety drugs to be super useful for managing this. As for therapy, in my experience it has a bit of a snowball effect - the effect seems to be a little longer after each session, until eventually the effect is basically constant.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 8:09 AM on May 5, 2016

Oh yeah, this is textbook anxiety. It actually helped me a lot to recognize that it's just my anxious brain, and I'm not *actually* a terrible person who has never made a good decision in my life.
posted by radioamy at 8:52 AM on May 5, 2016 [3 favorites]

Not to take away from the other suggestions, because this does sound like anxiety, but you might in addition try reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. Maciej Ceglowski once called Kundera "the Slavic Dave Matthews", but it's an exploration of the idea that you only live once, so it might be interesting to someone in your situation.
posted by kevinbelt at 8:56 AM on May 5, 2016

Perfectionism?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:32 AM on May 5, 2016

This is a type of anxiety. I do it too, and a small dose of anti-anxiety drugs have really helped me. Talk to your GP about anxiety issues. I cannot believe how much better my life is now, and I never would have believed such a small thing could make such a big impact.

Same exact thing here. Talk to your doc. It's so much better once you get this treated.

Also, meditation has helped me. I got a monthly subscription to Headspace, and they have an "Anxiety" module with daily meditations. I do one every day. It really allows you to get some distance from the thoughts.
posted by Miko at 10:49 AM on May 5, 2016

I wouldn't say I'm clinically depressed right now, but I can't get out of my head, and I do have days where I can't do anything out of despair for the past.

The first part of this sentence doesn't match the last part of this sentence. If these thoughts and the emotions arising from them are keeping you from going about your daily activities, it's worth seeing a mental health professional who can help you figure out what's going on (psychiatrist, psychologist, LCSW, MFT, or LPCC would be my recommendation, but you can certainly also start with your primary care provider). You don't have to go in pre-diagnosed.
posted by lazuli at 2:10 PM on May 5, 2016

Echoing previous answers, but this sounds a lot like an anxiety disorder. Mine manifests in a similar anxious-depressed cycle and used to leave me paralyzed for days. Medication and talk therapy didn't really work for me. Real lasting change has been through cognitive behavioral therapy, as noted above, although I am seeing a professional to walk me through the process. CBT is generally not an indefinte process, I'm about halfway through my 30 session program and have never felt better or been more equipped to manage my emotions.
posted by gnar_gnar at 5:02 PM on May 5, 2016

Counterfactual thinking, but it sounds like it's causing you a lot of distress, so I'm nthing suggestions to find a professional. A therapist trained in CBT or ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) could probably help you.
posted by Yma at 2:54 AM on May 6, 2016 [1 favorite]