Work Username Etiquette
May 3, 2016 1:42 PM Subscribe
Is it ever okay to ask someone what their LDAP work username stands for?
Where I work my username still references the first letter of my birth name even though I legally changed my name with HR and everything 18 months ago. This wasn't a problem until Slack came along and with SSO+LDAP, all of a sudden my username is now basically the "@" handle for how to reach me.
I've already been approached by several co-workers expressing discomfort with that (they all felt similar: that it violated my right to live as my chosen name and being reminded of my birth name felt wrong to them.) I told the coworkers that yeah it was annoying and I was working on it.
From that point there's really been no progress. Changing my LDAP name is going to have huge ramifications so that's out. I tweeted @SlackHQ and they responded that we could allow modifying username displays in slack to be user-definable, but according to our IT support group that ain't gonna happen. So there's an impasse. In the meantime I'm tagged about 15-20 times a day and people DM me 2-3 times a week asking if that's ever gonna change.
Today, I had the following exchange from a new coworker who started on my team yesterday:
Them: "so….if you go by CHOSEN NAME how come your username is gmorgan? I know I’m asking all the important questions...
Me: "usernames are next to impossible to change because LDAP is ancient. It’s going to be more confusing after I get married"
(some banter about how awesome my new last name is gonna be)
Them: "oh what a bad ass last name, have you told him that you are marrying him just for the last name yet?"
Me: "hahaha it’s her and yes early on we agreed that her last name was far superior to mine"
Them: "oh sorry for the assumption! very cool…but what does the g stand for?"
Me: "It stands for my birth name.
I don’t go by that anymore."
Them: "fair enough…be mysterious about it. Well the name Annika does you justice and Annika BadAssLastName is going to be a kick ass name, congrats!"
I feel really dismayed about this entire exchange, like the whole chat was basically revolving around them wanting me to just come out and say that I am a trans woman, but I can't prove it and I don't want to think the worst.
So basically, are my feelings and thoughts that this whole exchange was really weird and inappropriate correct? Is there more to this exchange than just simple curiosity about why my username does not match up to my legal name? Is the alarming "UH-OH FEELING" warranted or am I just overreacting?
Thanks in advance.
Where I work my username still references the first letter of my birth name even though I legally changed my name with HR and everything 18 months ago. This wasn't a problem until Slack came along and with SSO+LDAP, all of a sudden my username is now basically the "@" handle for how to reach me.
I've already been approached by several co-workers expressing discomfort with that (they all felt similar: that it violated my right to live as my chosen name and being reminded of my birth name felt wrong to them.) I told the coworkers that yeah it was annoying and I was working on it.
From that point there's really been no progress. Changing my LDAP name is going to have huge ramifications so that's out. I tweeted @SlackHQ and they responded that we could allow modifying username displays in slack to be user-definable, but according to our IT support group that ain't gonna happen. So there's an impasse. In the meantime I'm tagged about 15-20 times a day and people DM me 2-3 times a week asking if that's ever gonna change.
Today, I had the following exchange from a new coworker who started on my team yesterday:
Them: "so….if you go by CHOSEN NAME how come your username is gmorgan? I know I’m asking all the important questions...
Me: "usernames are next to impossible to change because LDAP is ancient. It’s going to be more confusing after I get married"
(some banter about how awesome my new last name is gonna be)
Them: "oh what a bad ass last name, have you told him that you are marrying him just for the last name yet?"
Me: "hahaha it’s her and yes early on we agreed that her last name was far superior to mine"
Them: "oh sorry for the assumption! very cool…but what does the g stand for?"
Me: "It stands for my birth name.
I don’t go by that anymore."
Them: "fair enough…be mysterious about it. Well the name Annika does you justice and Annika BadAssLastName is going to be a kick ass name, congrats!"
I feel really dismayed about this entire exchange, like the whole chat was basically revolving around them wanting me to just come out and say that I am a trans woman, but I can't prove it and I don't want to think the worst.
So basically, are my feelings and thoughts that this whole exchange was really weird and inappropriate correct? Is there more to this exchange than just simple curiosity about why my username does not match up to my legal name? Is the alarming "UH-OH FEELING" warranted or am I just overreacting?
Thanks in advance.
It's rude but reads maybe more as nosey/clueless than purposefully intrusive, especially given the assumption your partner is male. But it is bullshit that you have to deal with it at all.
That said, would changing your LDAP name actually have huge ramifications or is that just what your IT people are telling you? Because as a sysadmin, this genuinely doesn't seem like a big deal to me, and I would push hard for us to do that if we had a similar situation at my work. At worst surely it's a case of creating a new LDAP account for you under the new name and giving it the same permissions.
posted by corvine at 1:53 PM on May 3, 2016 [11 favorites]
That said, would changing your LDAP name actually have huge ramifications or is that just what your IT people are telling you? Because as a sysadmin, this genuinely doesn't seem like a big deal to me, and I would push hard for us to do that if we had a similar situation at my work. At worst surely it's a case of creating a new LDAP account for you under the new name and giving it the same permissions.
posted by corvine at 1:53 PM on May 3, 2016 [11 favorites]
Volunteering information like "I'm getting married soon" to someone you don't really know yet is something I personally would take to mean "I'm offering personal details to you in an attempt to be friendly, let's have a friendly conversation like we're going to be friends." I'm not very good at banal chitchat like this and honestly I would take ANY EXCUSE to change the subject away from having to hear about someone's wedding, good god, so I'd go back to the one other thing I know about them which is that they've changed their name.
Next time it comes up, just be like "it's an old record, the g is from my birth name that I don't go by anymore" and leave it at that.
posted by phunniemee at 1:55 PM on May 3, 2016 [21 favorites]
Next time it comes up, just be like "it's an old record, the g is from my birth name that I don't go by anymore" and leave it at that.
posted by phunniemee at 1:55 PM on May 3, 2016 [21 favorites]
Best answer: Oh wow, I didn't get that from that exchange AT ALL. I think it was just basic curiosity, the same way people will ask what someone's middle name is. I think the fact that they teased you for "being mysterious about it" means they don't have a clue that you're trans. They just think it must be some weird name that you don't go by because it's odd. The fact that they backed off after you said you didn't want to share the information is a really good sign that this is someone polite who respects boundaries. You can't expect no one ever to wonder about your username not matching your used name, but when they accept that you don't want to talk about it that's good!
posted by MsMolly at 1:55 PM on May 3, 2016 [54 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 1:55 PM on May 3, 2016 [54 favorites]
HR should light a fire under IT's ass so that the LDAP username or slack settings get changed. Changing an LDAP name (or creating a new account with identical attributes except the name, and disabling the old one) is not such a pain that IT can't do it if someone makes it clear to them that it needs to happen, stat.
posted by zippy at 1:55 PM on May 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by zippy at 1:55 PM on May 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
I had an employee change their ldap username in our large enterprise and it went surprisingly smoother than expected. The whole point of ldap is that its a central repository of users and that they can be changed in one place.
People get married and quit all the time. people get hired and leave and re-hired etc. Perhaps you can enlist your boss's help with handling IT.
posted by captaincrouton at 1:56 PM on May 3, 2016 [8 favorites]
People get married and quit all the time. people get hired and leave and re-hired etc. Perhaps you can enlist your boss's help with handling IT.
posted by captaincrouton at 1:56 PM on May 3, 2016 [8 favorites]
Best answer: +1 that an LDAP change might not be as big a deal as you think if the alternative is potentially years of feeling weird and awkward about your name change. I changed mine and while it broke a bunch of stuff in the short term, within a couple weeks everything got fixed and I'm soooo glad I did it.
posted by town of cats at 1:58 PM on May 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by town of cats at 1:58 PM on May 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
You probably should have said this and nothing more:
usernames are next to impossible to change because LDAP is ancient
Being chatty invites more chattiness. If you actually don't want to discuss something, being chatty but evasive does not support your goal. Give the shortest answer possible. Don't be rude. But don't volunteer info.
People often think they are just being friendly while getting up in your business. They may mean well etc, but if you don't want them to know, you need to keep it as brief as possible.
posted by Michele in California at 1:58 PM on May 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
usernames are next to impossible to change because LDAP is ancient
Being chatty invites more chattiness. If you actually don't want to discuss something, being chatty but evasive does not support your goal. Give the shortest answer possible. Don't be rude. But don't volunteer info.
People often think they are just being friendly while getting up in your business. They may mean well etc, but if you don't want them to know, you need to keep it as brief as possible.
posted by Michele in California at 1:58 PM on May 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
Given the lack of tone which can change things, I would assume that coworker is mostly clueless and trying to be friendly in a new place. When they asked what G stood for, they were probably expecting you to say you go by your middle name, and then you volunteered that you are changing your name when you get married so they just sort of assumed, with a combination of heteronormativity and "well changing names is traditional, probably also the wedding", felt awkward at the mistake and went back to an earlier conversation that felt lower stakes.
This reads to me as absolutely innocent/conversational, not at all "so are you actually trans?"
Your big problem is that IT won't change your username.
posted by jeather at 2:01 PM on May 3, 2016 [6 favorites]
This reads to me as absolutely innocent/conversational, not at all "so are you actually trans?"
Your big problem is that IT won't change your username.
posted by jeather at 2:01 PM on May 3, 2016 [6 favorites]
Best answer: FWIW, I'm a cis-woman, and for a very long time, I did not go by my legal first name for various reasons and did not want to disclose my first name. During that time, I've had very similar conversations where people being nosy and curious really wanted to know something, just because I obviously was trying to avoid the subject. I would not read too much into your conversation with your coworker. (It's uncomfortable, but I don't think it's mean-spirited.)
Are there inclusivity/diversity charters at your company? At mine, there are, and this would fall into that. (In fact, any situation where your old name would pop up would fall into that category.) In that case, HR would be the right people to talk to.
I would definitely push (managers/IT/HR/all if necessary) to have the LDAP username changed though.
posted by ethidda at 2:02 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Are there inclusivity/diversity charters at your company? At mine, there are, and this would fall into that. (In fact, any situation where your old name would pop up would fall into that category.) In that case, HR would be the right people to talk to.
I would definitely push (managers/IT/HR/all if necessary) to have the LDAP username changed though.
posted by ethidda at 2:02 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: (Clarification: My last name is changing in 3 weeks, it's an imminent change so I felt like I should mention it, that said I appreciate the guidance on limiting what I say)
posted by Annika Cicada at 2:03 PM on May 3, 2016
posted by Annika Cicada at 2:03 PM on May 3, 2016
So you're not out as trans? Because if you are, I bet you if you go to HR and explain that IT's stance on this has caused an uncomfortable work environment for you, you'll find it gets changed right away.
If it's a secret, then I agree with Michele in California, just shut down the conversation or, better, white lie. G stood for Geraldine but you changed it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:03 PM on May 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
If it's a secret, then I agree with Michele in California, just shut down the conversation or, better, white lie. G stood for Geraldine but you changed it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:03 PM on May 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
Best answer: For whatever it's worth, I got to "like the whole chat was basically revolving around them wanting me to just come out and say that I am a trans woman" before I realized this was about a trans issue at all.
posted by a box and a stick and a string and a bear at 2:05 PM on May 3, 2016 [33 favorites]
posted by a box and a stick and a string and a bear at 2:05 PM on May 3, 2016 [33 favorites]
Best answer: The exchange feels really friendly to me, actually. Lots of people could have that same interaction about an egregious, terrible birth name that has nothing to do with their gender identity.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:07 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:07 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: A few thoughts, though I don't know if any of this will resonate with you, because it's complicated in an annoying sort of way:
1. My company uses work emails in a similar way to what you're facing with your work username. A gigantic number of women in my office go by one surname but have a different surname in their email address. Nobody seems to care.
Which leads to:
2. The fact that your coworkers are being like this is annoying, to a point where I don't think a technical change is going to actually change their behavior. I'm newly engaged myself, and one thing that didn't occur to me is just how much the life changes that come with being married invite people to comment on things that aren't their business. Transitioning or changing your first name for other reasons has to be even harder, because people have very little context for it.
3. I think some of this might be curiosity, or obtuseness, or whatever harmless intent. But I also think you get to feel how you feel about it.
4. On the other hand, I think the only real way to respond to these questions is to not give a fuck (outwardly, of course). Monosyllables. "I don't really have time to talk about it right now." "Yeah, LDAP is weird, what-are-you-gonna-do-eh?" Make it deeply uninteresting. One of the things that is driving me crazy about the engagement phase is that I want to be able to talk about how uncomfortable all of it is, but anytime I engage about it, people A) feel like they've been given license to open up to me with more of the shit that actively makes me uncomfortable, and B) people get really distressed about the idea that everything about this period isn't sparkly and dreamy. Often this comes from some of my best friends, and it feels really isolating. Frankly I *wish* I could go into professional monosyllabic mode about it.
posted by Sara C. at 2:14 PM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
1. My company uses work emails in a similar way to what you're facing with your work username. A gigantic number of women in my office go by one surname but have a different surname in their email address. Nobody seems to care.
Which leads to:
2. The fact that your coworkers are being like this is annoying, to a point where I don't think a technical change is going to actually change their behavior. I'm newly engaged myself, and one thing that didn't occur to me is just how much the life changes that come with being married invite people to comment on things that aren't their business. Transitioning or changing your first name for other reasons has to be even harder, because people have very little context for it.
3. I think some of this might be curiosity, or obtuseness, or whatever harmless intent. But I also think you get to feel how you feel about it.
4. On the other hand, I think the only real way to respond to these questions is to not give a fuck (outwardly, of course). Monosyllables. "I don't really have time to talk about it right now." "Yeah, LDAP is weird, what-are-you-gonna-do-eh?" Make it deeply uninteresting. One of the things that is driving me crazy about the engagement phase is that I want to be able to talk about how uncomfortable all of it is, but anytime I engage about it, people A) feel like they've been given license to open up to me with more of the shit that actively makes me uncomfortable, and B) people get really distressed about the idea that everything about this period isn't sparkly and dreamy. Often this comes from some of my best friends, and it feels really isolating. Frankly I *wish* I could go into professional monosyllabic mode about it.
posted by Sara C. at 2:14 PM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
Seconding pitting HR against IT's inflexible policy. IT should be ready to roll with name changes no matter the reason; name changes, even first name changes, were common before gender transitions became more commonplace, and there's no excuse for such inflexibility-- I say this as an IT guy.
Print out or (re-)forward whatever you got from Slack that will tell your IT crew what they need to do to accommodate the change w/r/t that platform, and they can unearth some resource on LDAP to do the same.
posted by Sunburnt at 2:16 PM on May 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
Print out or (re-)forward whatever you got from Slack that will tell your IT crew what they need to do to accommodate the change w/r/t that platform, and they can unearth some resource on LDAP to do the same.
posted by Sunburnt at 2:16 PM on May 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
So basically, are my feelings and thoughts that this whole exchange was really weird and inappropriate correct?
Eh, feelings are never incorrect. You feel what you feel. In this case, I'd say your feelings are fully justified, though. Heteronormative assumption, inappropriate. "Fine, be mysterious about it," inappropriate. Rude and clueless.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:35 PM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
Eh, feelings are never incorrect. You feel what you feel. In this case, I'd say your feelings are fully justified, though. Heteronormative assumption, inappropriate. "Fine, be mysterious about it," inappropriate. Rude and clueless.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:35 PM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
I kind of read this as "clueless and friendly", but that doesn't mean I'm right. I don't really see anything about him trying to get you to admit that you are trans, but then I'm a cis-dude and have never been on either end of these conversations.
FWIW, I can absolutely see myself being on the "Them" side of this conversation and thinking nothing of it. We are chatting. You volunteer that you are getting married. We chat some more about names. I wonder, "Hey, why do you go by Oscar Boink when your email address is jboink" and, since we are obviously buddies now and are talking about names, I ask.
Obviously you feel how you feel, but I don't think you need to assign any creepy motivations to this person. At least, not from this conversation alone.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 2:55 PM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
FWIW, I can absolutely see myself being on the "Them" side of this conversation and thinking nothing of it. We are chatting. You volunteer that you are getting married. We chat some more about names. I wonder, "Hey, why do you go by Oscar Boink when your email address is jboink" and, since we are obviously buddies now and are talking about names, I ask.
Obviously you feel how you feel, but I don't think you need to assign any creepy motivations to this person. At least, not from this conversation alone.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 2:55 PM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
You could always just go with (assuming it's plausible) "IT told me amorgan [or whatever] was already taken in LDAP so I had to go with something else. I'm trying to get it fixed now that that it's available" if that conversation would be easier for you. Or "it's an old BBS handle that got setup as my LDAP username and now I'm stuck with it in Slack for now." Or just "initials; what can you do?"
You're not wrong to feel how you feel. I could well see asking this kind of thing not out of any desire to make anyone uncomfortable, but simply because my mind thinks "Oh I want to talk to Annika now; wait, why do I type the letter 'g' to do that?"
posted by zachlipton at 3:23 PM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
You're not wrong to feel how you feel. I could well see asking this kind of thing not out of any desire to make anyone uncomfortable, but simply because my mind thinks "Oh I want to talk to Annika now; wait, why do I type the letter 'g' to do that?"
posted by zachlipton at 3:23 PM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm trans too and I know those fears. I would probably feel the same way in your situation, even if my logical brain said me being trans might be the last thing on their mind.
The conversation reads as friendly to me. A lot of people think they've never met anyone who's changed their name so it seems like this super-rare fact about a person. I don't think they were trying to be nosy necessarily, but they likely didn't realize the personal nature of changing one's name.
That being said, I would probably still feel "vulnerable", I guess, like this person might start trying to do some googling or something if they were not satisfied with my answer. It would definitely be anxiety-producing. I had to deal with an actual name/username mismatch while going through my name change and it was personally very uncomfortable to me even though no one remarked about the mismatch.
Could you make a case that going by the LDAP name is causing confusion and miscommunications amongst your co-workers as it doesn't match your actual name, perhaps? And if that doesn't work, can you get a hold of the manager of the IT group or ask your manager or ask someone from HR to talk to them?
posted by sevenofspades at 3:39 PM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
The conversation reads as friendly to me. A lot of people think they've never met anyone who's changed their name so it seems like this super-rare fact about a person. I don't think they were trying to be nosy necessarily, but they likely didn't realize the personal nature of changing one's name.
That being said, I would probably still feel "vulnerable", I guess, like this person might start trying to do some googling or something if they were not satisfied with my answer. It would definitely be anxiety-producing. I had to deal with an actual name/username mismatch while going through my name change and it was personally very uncomfortable to me even though no one remarked about the mismatch.
Could you make a case that going by the LDAP name is causing confusion and miscommunications amongst your co-workers as it doesn't match your actual name, perhaps? And if that doesn't work, can you get a hold of the manager of the IT group or ask your manager or ask someone from HR to talk to them?
posted by sevenofspades at 3:39 PM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
So, wait, in three weeks your username which your colleagues use to contact you will match none of your current name?
That seems like a huge problem, and if you can push back with IT that would be awesome. Can't they at least give you an alias?
The exchange you copied in just sounded like ordinary chit-chat to me, and it wouldn't've occurred to me it was related at all to your being trans if you hadn't worried about it. Lots of people have first names they hate---but I can see in small talk mildly nudging for what the hated name was out of curiosity...because then you get to have the conversation about "oh, wow, Hortensia certainly is a ... strong....name, I agree Annika is much nicer..." Or whatever.
Not saying that this is what your colleague was thinking for sure---or that this version of the conversation is particularly appropriate either---but I could totally see it happening without intended malice and without any intention of prying into (probably unrealized, given the rest of the conversation) trans status.
(Bureaucracies can be dumb about this stuff. Sure, it's easier for them if the rule is that your email address must be first letter of your first name and your last name, but it makes it hard on everyone else whose name doesn't fit into such a nice category.)
posted by leahwrenn at 3:44 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
That seems like a huge problem, and if you can push back with IT that would be awesome. Can't they at least give you an alias?
The exchange you copied in just sounded like ordinary chit-chat to me, and it wouldn't've occurred to me it was related at all to your being trans if you hadn't worried about it. Lots of people have first names they hate---but I can see in small talk mildly nudging for what the hated name was out of curiosity...because then you get to have the conversation about "oh, wow, Hortensia certainly is a ... strong....name, I agree Annika is much nicer..." Or whatever.
Not saying that this is what your colleague was thinking for sure---or that this version of the conversation is particularly appropriate either---but I could totally see it happening without intended malice and without any intention of prying into (probably unrealized, given the rest of the conversation) trans status.
(Bureaucracies can be dumb about this stuff. Sure, it's easier for them if the rule is that your email address must be first letter of your first name and your last name, but it makes it hard on everyone else whose name doesn't fit into such a nice category.)
posted by leahwrenn at 3:44 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
I get this all the time as a cis person who goes by a nickname that is not her legal name (with similar username based on legal name IT policies).
The technical/policy bits of this are well addressed in your other answers.
While it is possible that your coworker was trying to confirm a grapevine rumor, it's also equally possible (and I think more likely) that they were just curious about your name.
I don't think that it is rude to ask what the initial stands for, names are standard smalltalk when meeting new people. The "fine be mysterious" line is harder to figure out. I am willing to bet that they realized that they pried too far and were trying to humorously walk back from it, but it's so hard to appropriately judge tone in a chat.
I'd keep this incident in mind for when you need to parse future dealings with this coworker, and maybe be more assertive with him than you would be with others if you need to shut down a line of conversation that makes you uncomfortable. A sensible new coworker in this position wouldn't mention it again. A problem coworker will repeat the same 'ooooh mysterious!' joke to your face, and maybe even to other coworkers (who seem to have your back).
Your "uh oh feeling" is there for a reason, and there is totally a sinister way to view that chat. So, forgive the cluelessness for now, but remember it to help put other behavior by this coworker into context.
Congrats on your upcoming nuptials!
posted by sparklemotion at 4:26 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
The technical/policy bits of this are well addressed in your other answers.
While it is possible that your coworker was trying to confirm a grapevine rumor, it's also equally possible (and I think more likely) that they were just curious about your name.
I don't think that it is rude to ask what the initial stands for, names are standard smalltalk when meeting new people. The "fine be mysterious" line is harder to figure out. I am willing to bet that they realized that they pried too far and were trying to humorously walk back from it, but it's so hard to appropriately judge tone in a chat.
I'd keep this incident in mind for when you need to parse future dealings with this coworker, and maybe be more assertive with him than you would be with others if you need to shut down a line of conversation that makes you uncomfortable. A sensible new coworker in this position wouldn't mention it again. A problem coworker will repeat the same 'ooooh mysterious!' joke to your face, and maybe even to other coworkers (who seem to have your back).
Your "uh oh feeling" is there for a reason, and there is totally a sinister way to view that chat. So, forgive the cluelessness for now, but remember it to help put other behavior by this coworker into context.
Congrats on your upcoming nuptials!
posted by sparklemotion at 4:26 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
little white lie time, in my opinion...
i would pick another name for my 'old' name...
what are they gonna do--challenge you on it?
oh the Z stands for my middle name, Zelda--which was on paperwork ages ago!
i don't use that anymore.
oh the H stands for my middle name, Hugo--which was on paperwork ages ago!
i don't use that anymore.
oh the P stands for my middle name, Pat--which was on paperwork ages ago!
i don't use that anymore.
posted by calgirl at 4:51 PM on May 3, 2016
i would pick another name for my 'old' name...
what are they gonna do--challenge you on it?
oh the Z stands for my middle name, Zelda--which was on paperwork ages ago!
i don't use that anymore.
oh the H stands for my middle name, Hugo--which was on paperwork ages ago!
i don't use that anymore.
oh the P stands for my middle name, Pat--which was on paperwork ages ago!
i don't use that anymore.
posted by calgirl at 4:51 PM on May 3, 2016
Your last name is changing in just a few weeks! Perfect opportunity to insist that they change your username. If your manager is generally supportive of your needs, enlist them to help you.
And I'm with the crowd here, a lot of people go by their middle name, and I can see asking out of curiosity "what does the 'g' stand for?" without hinting that you should have a conversation about your gender identity.
posted by chickenmagazine at 5:57 PM on May 3, 2016
And I'm with the crowd here, a lot of people go by their middle name, and I can see asking out of curiosity "what does the 'g' stand for?" without hinting that you should have a conversation about your gender identity.
posted by chickenmagazine at 5:57 PM on May 3, 2016
I work in a huge organization and have to call probably 10 strangers a day. I'd say 3 out of 10 show up in our system as Alice Inchains and alice.inchains but when I call they pick up and say, "Hey, this is Megadeth!" Regardless of how you came into your current name you are one of many, many people whose first given name was not the name of best fit. Rarely does someone ask malevolently, it's just a tool to get to know someone better and a way to make small talk.
The conversation you had doesn't strike me as weird at all, not least of all because it's a new coworker. In this case, "What's the 'g' stand for?" is the lowest hanging fruit of the get-to-know-you questions. He might have fabulous boundaries but just doesn't know yours yet. I have coworkers who refuse to share their middle names and it's a joke among us, like the "oooh, mysterious" line, but only because they laugh at it too. If he keeps up the "mysterious" joking it's mostly likely that he's annoying rather than sinister. If it were me and I were new I'd think "yes! I have an in-joke with Annika!" If it comes up again it's okay to firmly shut it down, but unless there's a huge sign that it's malicious I would suggest assuming good intentions and shutting it down as kindly as possible.
posted by good lorneing at 7:14 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
The conversation you had doesn't strike me as weird at all, not least of all because it's a new coworker. In this case, "What's the 'g' stand for?" is the lowest hanging fruit of the get-to-know-you questions. He might have fabulous boundaries but just doesn't know yours yet. I have coworkers who refuse to share their middle names and it's a joke among us, like the "oooh, mysterious" line, but only because they laugh at it too. If he keeps up the "mysterious" joking it's mostly likely that he's annoying rather than sinister. If it were me and I were new I'd think "yes! I have an in-joke with Annika!" If it comes up again it's okay to firmly shut it down, but unless there's a huge sign that it's malicious I would suggest assuming good intentions and shutting it down as kindly as possible.
posted by good lorneing at 7:14 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
feel free to ape my story: "Annika is my middle name. G was a family name, so I never identified with it growing up"
I have to deal with it all the time. Since I'm not trans, ive never associated these questions with gender, and nobody has acted as though it was anything. (Hypothetically Joan could be male, but nobody has made that connection except when I learned Joan Miro wasn't my gender.)
posted by politikitty at 7:24 PM on May 3, 2016
I have to deal with it all the time. Since I'm not trans, ive never associated these questions with gender, and nobody has acted as though it was anything. (Hypothetically Joan could be male, but nobody has made that connection except when I learned Joan Miro wasn't my gender.)
posted by politikitty at 7:24 PM on May 3, 2016
Response by poster: Everyone, thanks for your input. My GF helped me figure out that the opening question asking if I "go by" Annika is what sent my spidey senses off. The other times I've been asked what I "go by" it's been specifically to reference being trans and questioning if my Annika is my legal name.
posted by Annika Cicada at 7:56 PM on May 3, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by Annika Cicada at 7:56 PM on May 3, 2016 [9 favorites]
I want to validate your worry real quick -- I think it's possible your coworker was being friendly but I also see why you were alarmed, and I wonder whether you've had other run-ins with this person's nosiness that may have put you on edge. I don't think you're necessarily reading into this or being paranoid, and I don't think it was especially just-friendly of them to ask.
That said, if you're comfortable telling a tiny lie, I suspect that "I go by my middle name" is so common that it's rarely challenged. I'm sure there are nosy people who would say "but what is your first name that you hate so much" but I couldn't imagine doing it myself. (Then again I couldn't imagine hectoring someone I barely know for their birth name under any circumstances.)
And on the bright side re: your coworker, the conclusion -- "Annika suits you" -- sounds to me like if they were trying to probe whether you were trans, it was only to let you know it was cool with them. Which is self-aggrandizing, but a lot better than hateful.
posted by babelfish at 8:13 PM on May 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
That said, if you're comfortable telling a tiny lie, I suspect that "I go by my middle name" is so common that it's rarely challenged. I'm sure there are nosy people who would say "but what is your first name that you hate so much" but I couldn't imagine doing it myself. (Then again I couldn't imagine hectoring someone I barely know for their birth name under any circumstances.)
And on the bright side re: your coworker, the conclusion -- "Annika suits you" -- sounds to me like if they were trying to probe whether you were trans, it was only to let you know it was cool with them. Which is self-aggrandizing, but a lot better than hateful.
posted by babelfish at 8:13 PM on May 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:51 PM on May 3, 2016 [14 favorites]